Seeing mr Ng is always a wonderful healing experience .
He always manages to distill for me important indepth messages that are important for my soul’s development–and more often than not, things that I have missed in importance.
The first thing he told me about is that I look better.
And the only difference I could think of, is the veg diet I have been on since I met the metaphysics person on 13/5.
I told him I came to seek divinity ‘s assurance on which decision would be better for me?
Is it to stay on n change a beat ?
Or to change an environment n move on?
He wanted to know what propagated the intention to switch.
I spoke candidly about unfairness in workplace and a misalignment in my values n that of the company’s
I told him about my 14 yrs with the company
How each time I would put in lots of hard work n energy to deliver, but the credit wouldn’t b mine.
How unfairness in treatment has been repeating itself?
Also, there would b lots of unfairness in merits distributed.
And he asked, what fairness is?
More important, he fetched for me the idea that unfairness has been repeating for the longest time because I m myself a magnetic field of attracting that into my life
He said, trauma and hurt/pain begets the same trauma the next time
Think about what happened in your first job that set the imprint
And I remembered the stint in crime
I was thrown into the crime desk as a rookie and had to face death
I had to report to the mortuary for work or scenes of crime, fight, and be in areas of danger . First out of school.
And I particularly remember this incident where I was told to wait at Buangkok with a photographer for a newsmaker.
That area wasn’t developed then. And it’s a family member of a criminal I had to face
The photographer got impatient and refused to wait into the night.
He said it was dangerous for me to stay on too on my own as a little girl.
And I decided to call it quits for the day.
But the next day, the supervisor called me to a room n lectured me about that decision
That I should have held on and waited because that was my job to.
And I might have missed a scoop for the paper.
Now recalling all this to mind made sense of how I have disciplined myself along the way
I put in extra work , harder n harder. But the recognition and rewards didn’t come in for me.
It was a healing cycle that I propagated and repeated
“So it’s time to let go of it now.”
Connect to Mother Earth.
Earth is like your mother whom you can embrace after a hard time. Allow yourself to be connected and for there to be a channel to let go of these energies that had been stored into your body
Feel the parts that hurt in your body and let it go.
Then visualize a door in your head which opens up to light from the universe.
That is like daddy’s energy to imbue you and the parts that hurt and the new Ce light will have a flushing effect.
And I did find a more balanced myself.
Then teacher asked,” did u know why u joined the crime desk”
I knew .
“It was because I wanted it in a sense.
It’s almost like flipping open a book of life, in which I first learnt about death.
But the lesson I want to learn is life. “
And I felt it. Not understand this .
I thanked the universe for the love.
Teacher says this is amazing.
And almost like a most wonderful gift from the universe.
“Look. You started with crime, then came on to do entertainment , then fashion then food and now your are exploring spirituality.”
It’s like a gradual stepped process and just like how I said it.
To learn about life.
After all the wonderful things. Things physical, it’s about working on the inner aspects. It about the self and helping it grow and develop.
“If you can understand all these, all your previous thoughts about the company would disintegrate completely. Let go. Release all the unfairness, frustration, anger, fear, negativity that has accumulated in you these 14 years. Let go of all these and you will find back your energy. Otherwise, no matter where u go, those will follow and hinder or influence your decisions.”
I already see it.
Teacher introduced the idea of tapping.
Tapping to release unhappy thoughts I held about the company.
And then imbuing myself with gd thoughts.
i also told Mr Ng about how i would walk the same path to work each day so that i could see a tree.
it stood tall and lean and it was open and very upfront.
it was my model and inspiration.
everytime i walked past, i felt energised by it.
and i remember walking and stopping to see birds, it was as if i knew them, and Mr ng remarked,”birds are about freedom .”
and i just felt so touched.
i remember i was in the maldives and sitting at the beach on a hot day. a waiter came and we chatted as he laid down glasses of ice cold water.
he asked me about my name and i said, Yen, its a big bird.
and his words were, “if you were doing things that you like, you would be like a big bird flying in the sky”
i was very stressed up and confused this whole time. i didnt know if i should stay or leave.
coupled with intentions to go vegan, the decision becomes ever more difficult to make.
but i made the decision to write to SH about my concerns and my dissatisfaction with the contract, inappropriate maybe to some and by today’s standards, but truly and from my heart.
and i wake up feeling that both will be good for me no matter what. its about making good every situation and i have pure confidence that i can.
i wake up feeling stupid to be confused and to spoil over this, with space and time, this would seem so meagre, but still very important.
i flipped the papers and saw a word that sparked some reaction. the word is leukaemia.
it sparked a sense of fear in me.
i flipped the pages over , it was my habit to do so. but this time with awareness, i tried to look at it deeper, as the practice teacher would do with me.
to stay put with the word .
i closed my eyes and rolled my eyeballs right for 3 times, then left , countless times.
i saw a movie in which the female lead suffered fr leukaemia and died. it was a love story. now that i m writing, i recalled another movie even earlier, of someone who suffered with the same condition and had bleeding of the gums.
i could remember the fear even then although this incident has passed so many years.
i continued to turn my eyeballs to the left and saw fascinating things.
i saw myself visiting my father who had a spinal surgery at the hospital. i could even see the blankets. and hear the beeps from the machines.
i saw myself as a child, not knowing what this meant, but for sure i was in an atmosphere with a lot of fear, fear fr my father, and more so, my mother and relatives who visited.
a lot of fear.
and i was drenched in all of those.
i carried them.
i was introduced to the idea of fear and associated it with death then and death appeared very scary.
then my mind went back even further to when i was born , fresh out of the bun in the hospital.
this was where it all began!
i was crying a lot and my mother delivering for the first time, had a lot of tension and fear in her too. she was afraid and i got it, everything, the fear she had in her life, in those moments from her, from there.
she felt alone and helpless, not confident , not loved.
that explains why i was crying so much as a baby.
i heard tales of how i cried and my face turned tomato red fr my nanny.
and now i understood , i was trying to cry the shit of fear of my mother out of my system ! so i cried and cried and cried when i was so little, trying my best to get those out of my system.
but it turned out that the crying was insufficient and i was constituted with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. even if i did well, even if i had wonderful thoughts and ideas, i did not express them and kept them in me.
now i know, that these are not me.
my nanny also often recounted how i would often fall sick and had to visit the doctor almost everyday when i was a baby, scaring the shit out of her.
visiting the doctor for the smallest things was a habit of my nanny, who did not know what to do with me. i find myself repeating this in the last few years.
from a fear of seeing the doctor, to creating conditions which warranted visits. for example , headaches, tension and stress, and even a raised ca19.9, all these i created because i have that solid hearth of energy passed over the years from my nanny to just , visit the doctor.
that was the thing i knew, and out of habits, i did it. thus continuing to reinforce the energetic habits i was exposed to since young.
and writing this made me aware of why i was often worked up, when my nana insisted i bring the kids to the doc whenever they had issues.
i didnt like that sound at all.
with the conditions i created for my body, i would just conveniently visit a doctor and leave myself to him. I did not take responsibility on my own for myself.
but that was because nanny was not educated and not aware of other forms of healing, nanny was lost and bringing me to the doctor was the only way out for her.
but not me.
And i do not need these now.
all the old habitual patterns can disintegrate. those are not mine to begin with. those shells break away and fall apart.
i m healthy and good as i m. there is no doubt about this. and i know i m in control and can heal myself, physically and mentally. it just takes time and a lot of awareness and good effort.
i certainly do not need doctors and if i need, help it would come from places from a deeper source , such as getting to know myself better from Mr Ng and reworking my lifestyle by changing how i eat and live.
this is me now, the spirit free, open, carefree, wise, boundless and very confident.
then i wrote a piece like this.
Mr ng mentioned using the left hand to reveal innermost thoughts in the subconscious mind.
and it was wonderful.
Om ma ne pad me hum.