0

也有今天

有点不知所措。

然后我就感觉到自己要shut down。

然后我想到我碰到不想面对不知如何是好的事情的时候都会这样,有这个态度kick in。

然后我告诉自己,不需要再重复那个方法那个习性。

可以借此突破。

所以我鼓起所有的努力,告诉自己:可以的,可以创意的处理,可以灵活的取巧。希望在这样的努力上,获得一切的助缘。

然后带着这样的心情踏进餐馆。厨师不在。

要怎么吃?要怎么学习吃肉?那感觉很奇特,有点像是第一次看到鱼子酱或黑鲔鱼或什么珍馐

我不能再像之前那样大口大口,一刀切下,毫无顾忌。每一口都是一次的挣扎,吃一口好想就在吃掉自己,但不吃,又好像很难对公关和服务员交代,

纵然开始前,我已经要求把蛋白质减到最少的分量,纵然服务员已经说:你不需要吃完,否则会很饱,只是品菜。

但对我来说,每一口都在觉知与否之间,在自律与否之间,在自己或他人之间,美食当前,很容易乱了方寸,一口一口我都在算。

这tasting,在我的人生当中带有转变的意味,应该也是我人生当中最重要的一个tasting。

至少,它提醒我,带着觉知去吃,那是一种怎样的感觉。

回来后有点沮丧——美食当前,但这并不是我要,或能服务我的食物,也有食物没法激起我的兴趣,给我快乐的一天。

都是相当有创意的菜色。比如这个爱尔兰螃蟹与泰式绿咖喱、鹅肝Brulee、烤鲭鱼与马铃薯、72小时真空烹调澳洲和牛。

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问题不是菜,是我。

我的生命中不需要这个了,不需要

不需要大鱼大肉才能生命色彩和快乐。

相反,看到这个很开心。是罗勒冰糕,豌豆苹果沙拉,橄榄饼干。

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蛋白质没法给我快乐的这一天,我感觉沮丧。但后来也感觉开心。

开心的是,我知道我再需要什么,拿外在的什么来圆满自己,开心的是,我又再靠近自己多一点。

我更加知道我需要什么。

好像有另一亩地,突然从地壳升起。

我知道我又要开垦了。

很好玩,餐馆取名CURE。

其实人生就是一面镜子,碰到的事都是让你看清自己多一点,只要能从人事看到自己,那就一种没有沉浸或拘泥当中的体验,

分开你我,不就是

meditation吗?

刚才关于品菜之后的分析,就是meditation的练习。

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0

3years 4months

宝贝3岁4个月的这个时候,生病了。

过去一个月,皓皓都在鼻涕咳嗽中度过,这几天比较严重,发高烧。

但婆婆说,皓皓很“ban peh”,意思是皮很厚,也像是平常那样在活动,但高烧不退,一直吃药,整个脸都puffed起来。

我的宝贝!

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给皓皓看江振诚的新书。

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和皓皓painting

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做饭给我吃

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这是炒饭

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还有水粿

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老板睡饱,心情好

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皓皓去看中医,已经可以和医师交流自如

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沁芝皓皓做的母亲节礼物

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有一个星期一,在等沁芝的时候,抱着小宝贝。

身体累坏了。疑心病又起。重复负面想法和情绪。

中间略有觉知清醒时,知道要改写剧本。知道可以用意志力改写前面的路。

然后皓皓就睡着了,在我怀里。

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看着熟睡的皓皓,眼泪就下来了。我想起皓皓对我的意义。

Choose a different pathway. 为了皓皓沁芝,我会努力!

总是在妈妈需要的时候,皓皓就会提醒我

妈妈会加油,谢谢皓皓!

daddy给皓皓喝酒,没想到他居然喜欢!

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皓皓生病一个月多,好了又流鼻涕、咳嗽,所以带他去找Dr Ngiam

他也能过应付自如,好棒!

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皓皓每天早上带姐姐去等校车的时候,都会对姐姐说:have a beautiful wonderful day.

还有,姐姐,don’t peel

午后去接姐姐放学,他会捡起地上的落叶,一支给他,一支给我,他记得以前在韩国,他就是这么给我的

晚上临睡,还会怕姐姐从床上跌下来,帮姐姐铺垫子。

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很爱你宝贝,谢谢你来了,做mommy的孩子,点亮我启发我教育我,

祝福你,健康平安快乐!

0

Healing (XXXVIII) ****** and finding TPY

Seeing mr Ng is always a wonderful healing experience .

He always manages to distill for me important indepth messages that are important for my soul’s development–and more often than not, things that I have missed in importance.

The first thing he told me about is that I look better.

And the only difference I could think of, is the veg diet I have been on since I met the metaphysics person on 13/5.

I told him I came to seek divinity ‘s assurance on which decision would be better for me?

Is it to stay on n change a beat ?

Or to change an environment n move on?

He wanted to know what propagated the intention to switch.

I spoke candidly about unfairness in workplace and a misalignment in my values n that of the company’s

I told him about my 14 yrs with the company

How each time I would put in lots of hard work n energy to deliver, but the credit wouldn’t b mine.

How unfairness in treatment has been repeating itself?

Also, there would b lots of unfairness in merits distributed.

And he asked, what fairness is?

More important, he fetched for me the idea that unfairness has been repeating for the longest time because I m myself a magnetic field of attracting that into my life

He said, trauma and hurt/pain begets the same trauma the next time

Think about what happened in your first job that set the imprint

And I remembered the stint in crime

I was thrown into the crime desk as a rookie and had to face death

Almost everyday

I had to report to the mortuary for work or scenes of crime, fight, and be in areas of danger . First out of school.

And I particularly remember this incident where I was told to wait at Buangkok with a photographer for a newsmaker.

That area wasn’t developed then. And it’s a family member of a criminal I had to face

The photographer got impatient and refused to wait into the night.

He said it was dangerous for me to stay on too on my own as a little girl.

And I decided to call it quits for the day.

But the next day, the supervisor called me to a room n lectured me about that decision

That I should have held on and waited because that was my job to.

And I might have missed a scoop for the paper.

Now recalling all this to mind made sense of how I have disciplined myself along the way

I put in extra work , harder n harder. But the recognition and rewards didn’t come in for me.

It was a healing cycle that I propagated and repeated

“So it’s time to let go of it now.”

Connect to Mother Earth.

Earth is like your mother whom you can embrace after a hard time. Allow yourself to be connected and for there to be a channel to let go of these energies that had been stored into your body

Feel the parts that hurt in your body and let it go.

Then visualize a door in your head which opens up to light from the universe.

That is like daddy’s energy to imbue you and the parts that hurt and the new Ce light will have a flushing effect.

And I did find a more balanced myself.

Then teacher asked,” did u know why u joined the crime desk”

I knew .

“It was because I wanted it in a sense.

It’s almost like flipping open a book of life, in which I first learnt about death.

But the lesson I want to learn is life. ”

And I felt it. Not understand this .

I thanked the universe for the love.

Teacher says this is amazing.

And almost like a most wonderful gift from the universe.

“Look. You started with crime, then came on to do entertainment , then fashion then food and now your are exploring spirituality.”

It’s like a gradual stepped process and just like how I said it.

To learn about life.

After all the wonderful things. Things physical, it’s about working on the inner aspects. It about the self and helping it grow and develop.

“If you can understand all these, all your previous thoughts about the company would disintegrate completely. Let go. Release all the unfairness, frustration, anger, fear, negativity that has accumulated in you these 14 years. Let go of all these and you will find back your energy. Otherwise, no matter where u go, those will follow and hinder or influence your decisions.”

I already see it.

Teacher introduced the idea of tapping.

Tapping to release unhappy thoughts I held about the company.

And then imbuing myself with gd thoughts.

i also told Mr Ng about how i would walk the same path to work each day so that i could see a tree.

it stood tall and lean and it was open and very upfront.

it was my model and inspiration.

everytime i walked past, i felt energised by it.

and i remember walking and stopping to see birds, it was as if i knew them, and Mr ng remarked,”birds are about freedom .”

and i just felt so touched.

i remember i was in the maldives and sitting at the beach on a hot day. a waiter came and we chatted as he laid down glasses of ice cold water.

he asked me about my name and i said, Yen, its a big bird.

and his words were, “if you were doing things that you like, you would be like a big bird flying in the sky”

i was very stressed up and confused this whole time. i didnt know if i should stay or leave.

coupled with intentions to go vegan, the decision becomes ever more difficult to make.

but i made the decision to write to SH about my concerns and my dissatisfaction with the contract, inappropriate maybe to some and by today’s standards, but truly and from my heart.

and i wake up feeling that both will be good for me no matter what. its about making good every situation and i have pure confidence that i can.

i wake up feeling stupid to be confused and to spoil over this, with space and time, this would seem so meagre, but still very important.

i flipped the papers and saw a word that sparked some reaction. the word is leukaemia.

it sparked a sense of fear in me.

i flipped the pages over , it was my habit to do so. but this time with awareness, i tried to look at it deeper, as the practice teacher would do with me.

to stay put with the word .

i closed my eyes and rolled my eyeballs right for 3 times, then left , countless times.

i saw a movie in which the female lead suffered fr leukaemia and died. it was a love story. now that i m writing, i recalled another movie even earlier, of someone who suffered with the same condition and had bleeding of the gums.

i could remember the fear even then although this incident has passed so many years.

i continued to turn my eyeballs to the left and saw fascinating things.

i saw myself visiting my father who had a spinal surgery at the hospital. i could even see the blankets. and hear the beeps from the machines.

i saw myself as a child, not knowing what this meant, but for sure i was in an atmosphere with a lot of fear, fear fr my father, and more so, my mother and relatives who visited.

a lot of fear.

and i was drenched in all of those.

i carried them.

i was introduced to the idea of fear and associated it with death then and death appeared very scary.

then my mind went back even further to when i was born , fresh out of the bun in the hospital.

this was where it all began!

i was crying a lot and my mother delivering for the first time, had a lot of tension and fear in her too. she was afraid and i got it, everything, the fear she had in her life, in those moments from her, from there.

she felt alone and helpless, not confident , not loved.

that explains why i was crying so much as a baby.

i heard tales of how i cried and my face turned tomato red fr my nanny.

and now i understood , i was trying to cry the shit of fear of my mother out of my system ! so i cried and cried and cried when i was so little, trying my best to get those out of my system.

but it turned out that the crying was insufficient and i was constituted with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. even if i did well, even if i had wonderful thoughts and ideas, i did not express them and kept them in me.

now i know, that these are not me.

my nanny also often recounted how i would often fall sick and had to visit the doctor almost everyday when i was a baby, scaring the shit out of her.

visiting the doctor for the smallest things was a habit of my nanny, who did not know what to do with me. i find myself repeating this in the last few years.

from a fear of seeing the doctor, to creating conditions which warranted visits. for example , headaches, tension and stress, and even a raised ca19.9, all these i created because i have that solid hearth of energy passed over the years from my nanny to just , visit the doctor.

that was the thing i knew, and out of habits, i did it. thus continuing to reinforce the energetic habits i was exposed to since young.

and writing this made me aware of why i was often worked up, when my nana insisted i bring the kids to the doc whenever they had issues.

i didnt like that sound at all.

with the conditions i created for my body, i would just conveniently visit a doctor and leave myself to him. I did not take responsibility on my own for myself.

but that was because nanny was not educated and not aware of other forms of healing, nanny was lost and bringing me to the doctor was the only way out for her.

but not me.

And i do not need these now.

all the old habitual patterns can disintegrate. those are not mine to begin with. those shells break away and fall apart.

i m healthy and good as i m. there is no doubt about this. and i know i m in control and can heal myself, physically and mentally. it just takes time and a lot of awareness and good effort.

i certainly do not need doctors and if i need, help it would come from places from a deeper source , such as getting to know myself better from Mr Ng and reworking my lifestyle by changing how i eat and live.

this is me now, the spirit free, open, carefree, wise, boundless and very confident.

 

then i wrote a piece like this.

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Mr ng mentioned using the left hand to reveal innermost thoughts in the subconscious mind.

and it was wonderful.

我想要什么呢?人生的下一章等着我去谱写!我要写什么?

我知道我要写健康我要写wellness我要写和孩子一起成长的一切。

我要写快乐。我要写的还有我自己。我想写好的东西。让更多人懂得要吃的,让他们的过得更好。像我那样改变,然后也想改变别人。

Om ma ne pad me hum.

 

0

Healing (XXXVIII)

Everything comes to you at the right moment
Every time i step out of each healing session, I find my bearings and grounding. And i marvel at the process.

        And I had to tell teacher this,

        “You are so instrumental in me becoming better. Evolving and getting closer to the spirit of me that is within. Words cannot convey but I very much want to say thank you thank yu thank you for supporting this process. You are very much appreciated. I m very grateful and will work hard at defining myself.”

There are 2 main themes in the session today, one is a closed/open system, the other is about choice. I learnt about how negative experiences could be managed and taken care of by turning your eyeballs in the right direction for 3 times and leftwards countless times, that is because our eyes are deeply connected with our core memory. And the simple action of turning eyeballs can unlock memories stored up somewhere else. To release them.

         And teacher concluded the session by teaching me this very simple meditation, sitting comfortably and with thumbs and baby fingers touching to signify opening up,”I open myself up to nature, I open myself up to the good that is in all beings, i open myself up to receiving the richness of the universe and be blessed. i open up to myself. ” 
今天的session真的非常奇特。

星期天联络老师的时候,我的星期二排的满满的。空不出时间来。结果昨天早上,收到原本安排今天采访的厨师,更换日期。所以我的星期二有时间了。

然后,今早下大雨,眼看要迟到了。传简讯给老师。然后就在巴士里享受雨。怎么知道在关键的时候,巴士来了,而且等我,那个巴士司机的这个简单的举动真的made my day。

他的好心让我不迟到。

我按照排好的时间,只是迟了三分钟。

好像是无心插柳,然后水到渠成,就是要在今天去见老师。然后就有这么多的助力助缘,让我轻而易举就见到老师。

好神奇的感觉。

然后在前往的路上,就感觉到自己的生活真的非常的精彩丰富。问老师,一般都是这样的吗?

他说,是可以选择的。

比如说,你可以选择去乡下过生活,可能情绪的起伏不会比在城市里大。但是换个角度来想,你在城市里有许多磨练和精进的机会,这又不是在乡下有的。

所以是选择。

我告诉老师,最近有两个人,接连提议我吃素。

第一个告诉我对我的身体好。让我折腾了半天。因为当吃肉影响到我的身体时,我还有选择的余地吗?面对我的执着还有热忱,健康更重要。

然后我碰到了YMCT的创办人。他跟我说,吃素适合我,因为能够帮助我定下来,便得更精进。

老师问我,在和对方对谈的时候感觉如何?

我说,我觉得很累,好像对方在吸我的元气那样。我觉得他很forceful,对自己的想法非常的执着,因此显得强悍。

我对老师说,我觉得我自己在put up一个defence,一个blockage。我不想听他的。

老师问:“你有没有察觉到一种内疚的情绪?”

有的,就是我潜意识里知道自己在做的不对,但也没有去多做思考。
老师提醒两件事。
第一,你必须很清楚你自己在做什么?

你必须清楚杀生的概念。清楚你这么吃,是为了什么?是为了滋味、欲望吗?

你知不知道以前的土著,那么要找吃的,都是听guidance的,跟着听到的去摸索找食,然后看到一只羊,宰杀,但是即便如此,也是非常感激、崇敬的心理。因为那就是神明嘉许的赏赐让他赖以为生的。然后他们会say a prayer。

又比如说藏族,他们是吃肉的,但在他们的观念里,那是因为他们的环境里没有太多的蔬菜,而且在他们的认知里,他们会say a prayer,并且会有这么一个这一生我吃你和你结一个缘,下一生我有机会渡你。

所以你必须非常清楚你做这件事是为了什么。

最重要的就是你的intention。就是你临终那一刻你会不会后悔内疚?那一口气咽下之前,你会怎么想?因为我们做这么多事,就是为了那一个临死的关卡。就是为了那一刻。
我谈到自己当初怎么入行。我原本就是吃菜比较多,肉也很少吃。但因为姻缘下碰到了餐饮这一块,接触到牛肉。那时相当挣扎。

不过这是工作,我并没有陶醉其中,只是尝尝滋味。

我告诉自己,就是酒肉穿肠过。
老师说:"所以这也是打开自己的方式。并不是你藏起来学道。”
其实那位创办人,只不过是从他的角度来看,他并不知道你的状态。所以他只是从他的认知————吃肉就是杀生的角度出发。
那就是一个相对狭隘狭窄的系统。
让我累的就是这个。我在听的时候,没有很好的把握住我的power,甚至可以说,是把我的power给掉了。所以会那么疲累。

所以,一定要清楚自己做这件事是为了什么。

那别人的批评不可能影响你。你要知道,如果一个人真正想要做什么,是没有任何人可以轻易阻止的。

因为碰到那样的closed system,所以你感觉自己削弱了。
“还有一点,其实你心里那把声音,就是一种自我的批判一种judgement。所以那也是一种closed up system。”
然后老师邀请我尝试,用转眼球的方式,处理这次的会谈,不愉快的记忆。

我尝试按照老师说的,用转眼球的方式,结果非常的奇特。
眼球转了转的,有时有种不知怎么继续的感觉。

但就这么转呀转的,转回到餐桌上。转回的话语间。我看到了自己和对方会谈的时候的情绪。

但这个时候的我,充满愤怒,也毫不掩饰,绝对不是像平常的我,遇到不喜欢不中听的,就强力把感觉抑制下去。

相反地,我直接把心里所想的,表达出来。有一种释放和超脱。

然后再转了转的,回到了童年。好像是拜天宫,阿嬷预备了满桌的贡品,包括烧猪。我就站在烧煮的面前,然后听到大人们说,我小时候看的阿嬷拜拜时的烧猪,吓得不得了,还要去问神。喝福水。

我听了很怕。

包括我小时候,经常被奶妈抱去看医生,所有懂事以来,我都很害怕看医生。包括父亲去动脊椎大手术的害怕。都在身体里。
但因为这样的转眼球运动,这些获得再一次的照耀。
我明白,原来这些害怕不是我的。而是大人的。

这关我屁事!但我不知不觉扛了那么久!
我告诉老师,今年开始的时候,老师说:it’s a new year, things will change。

真的有改变和转机。
我告诉老师,有人来找我。老师说wow。
我说和那人之间有默契。

而且地方也想做电视。

我说,到现在为止,没有很好的中文的这方面的节目,我想做那个人。
因为最近看了Netflix,非常感动。
说到这里,我明白了。—-我这才知道,原来我的文章也是这样在感动别人的。
好棒。
老师说,“那你不就有答案了?你都知道了。“

0

Healing (XXXVII)

有一个星期一,在等沁芝的时候,抱着小宝贝。

身体累坏了。疑心病又起。重复负面想法和情绪。

中间略有觉知清醒时,知道要改写剧本。知道可以用意志力改写前面的路。

然后皓皓就睡着了,在我怀里。

IMG_1033

看着熟睡的皓皓,眼泪就下来了。我想起皓皓对我的意义。

Choose a different pathway. 为了皓皓沁芝,我会努力!

总是在妈妈需要的时候,皓皓就会提醒我

妈妈会加油,谢谢皓皓!

0

7yrs 3mths

沁芝7岁3个月了。

测验过去了,没有怎么温习的沁芝,成绩中等,mommy采取稍微自由的态度。想看看沁芝“站”在哪里。

沁芝头发长了。

刚跨越到7岁3个月的时候,带沁芝去理发。沁芝还是很抗拒,下巴士到理发院的路程,脚很沉,步伐很慢。

整个理发的过程不发一语。嘴嘟嘟,脸黑黑。

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但mommy漫漫看姐姐把沁芝的头发弄出美丽的形状。好开心,比起自己还开心。

我告诉沁芝,沁芝好的时候,妈妈好开心,比起自己还开心。但沁芝不好、不舒服、难过的时候,妈妈的难过是加倍的。

沁芝的头发好美好美。很有shape、form、body,很有光泽,很轻很活。

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沁芝越来越适应短发了。弟弟说,好美!

沁芝很疼爱弟弟,总是说:“mommy,皓皓很可爱,我狠喜欢她!”

真的好好听。

隔天,让沁芝做一张卡片给婆婆,婆婆70岁生日,mommy请她吃了一顿,也让沁芝皓皓facetime婆婆,亲自说生日祝语。然后由沁芝制作卡片。

沁芝问我要用什么颜色,我说,就是沁芝心里的颜色。

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沁芝做心算,但这么设计她的回答,我很喜欢。

她教我:就是在认真做事的时候,也可以用轻松的玩乐的方式应对,沁芝就是老师

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另一天,地铁故障,从Yamaha回来迟了。mommy忙着晾衣服,沁芝自动帮忙。说,“mommy你去冲凉,我晾,等下你冲凉出来,帮我挂上去。”

好贴心!

带沁芝出外逛街、用餐,吃她最爱的乌冬面

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公共假期,带沁芝去吃她喜欢的tempura和乌冬面

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小妞喜欢逛街!

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沁芝皓皓做的母亲节礼物:)

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沁芝写给婆婆的卡片,写在婆婆从台湾买回来的卡片上

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亲爱的

要健康平安

天天都开开心心的

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19日帶沁芝去买油。

很多人,沁芝一直耐心等待,也没有吵闹,mommy越看越爱。然后沁芝看我提重物,会帮我开门。虽然是小小的举动,但感觉非常窝心。

然后问沁芝要吃什么,沁芝说要喝汤。

我们俩就这么吃了一个简单的晚餐。

回家给沁芝弄点巧克力冰淇淋。

然后去冲凉。

出来的时候看房间里没有开风扇。问沁芝为什么?她说:“我怕你着凉”

沁芝喜欢睡在床的中间,她说这么一来就可以让我ta ta。

好爱这个宝贝number 1

 

0

Healing (XXXVI)

Healing

Had the opportunity to see someone versed in metaphysics and gained some insights.

That my life is that of a nun, I should serve masters and nuns are vegan.

He said my body does not have the enzymes to digest the amino acids in meat and so the liver is weak.

So the healer advised me to go vegan, used some oils, use the correct water to help myself.

He also said I m suited also not to marry.

So what I m doing now, is against the current of what I m made to be.

That explains all the difficulties I have, or why I m bogged down.

Because I m expensing my energy and all in ways counter active to what I m supposed or meant to be.

He said, ” talk to your boss to see if u can do other beats, maybe you will find your own magic/place”

It’s interesting because it’s such a huge revelation.

I remember I used to take v v v little amounts of meat.

I remember in India , I first felt that I could let go of what I m doing now to evolve and develop spiritually.

And I find it amazing how these all come into place now.

Inherently I know myself n what I want!

I was happy in a sense.

I m thankful of the opportunity to get a system upgrade , of changing certain ways that do not work for me anymore.

And to give a boost n a tweak to my sluggish system.

I m thankful.

He seemed confident.

He said that after 6 months of vegan diet, I wouldn’t even want to go back to meat .

He says, change your diet, change your lifestyle and habits and your life will change.

The smallest changes are the most important changes.

He says, keep reminding yourself to be mindful.

Every morning when u wake up, look around you. Be aware of your body, be aware that your children and husband are with you. Be grateful for this.

Throughout the day, be mindful how u behave. At night before you sleep, look at the day and see how you have been . What you have done right or wrong.

Then start again the next day.

Keep reminding yourself.

There is no shortcut.

Do this along with the diet changes. Work hard at this.

Because humans have consciousness.

And consciousness is to help improve lives.

Because consciousness is creative.

I heard that and I knew that.

I made an attempt to enquire about the new work opportunity. And the reply was that, it would be good to go for it.

They key word would be liberation.

I doubted myself for a while, not sure if i could manage it.

the reply was smthg i knew already–the universe wouldn’t send you something you cannot handle.

Om!

on another day, i told him about the raised ca 19.9, and he called me immediately.

he says this,  “my suggestion to you is still to stop your work as a food critic. your body cannot handle meat. if you go vegan, your body will reverse completely. and this suggestion is for you to last the next 40-50 yrs. but if you continue as u have, i m not sure if you can take another ten to twenty years.”

that was scary!

and if that wasn’t a wake up call? what would be?

there is no choice.

what can be more important than health?

its not about cutting down. its about completely cutting out.

taking out things that do not work anymore for me.

bf heard me and says, “he is just asking you not to touch meat. thats all”

he is amazing, he always has the knack for simplifying things right down to the simple essence, the base.

i had a lot of shock just listening to this and i got lost.

what about the offer? what m i going to do about it?

Do i still want it? to do the spit away thing? how to write without eating? will i still find enjoyment in this activity then?

and if so, do i still want to cling on to this?

why don’t i just walk away and let go completely?—of things that do not work for me anymore in my life?

i m reminded of india and that inkling of realisation that i had. its a feeling of being able to let go of all i have and to start afresh.

that feeling has arrived.

and the time has come for me to act.

on another count, i feel glad, to have the opportunity still to exercise this choice.

i still have a chance and a go at it.

so many do not.

so make good this chance, TPY/