守护

要有所放弃
才能守护

如果逃离了
就无法守护了

把今天抹掉
明天重新开始

买牛奶

亲爱的沁芝

你刚刚打电话来说milk milk。

这几天daddy mummy生病，不太敢去接近刚刚病好的沁芝，怕一个不小心，让沁芝不舒服，姨姨婆婆就有得忙。和daddy说好，他去值夜班前先绕去买牛奶给沁芝。

亲爱的沁芝，不管你以后多大了，都要记得这件事。

给沁芝买奶粉，特地送过去的，是daddy哦。

沁芝知道自己是多么让daddy疼爱的吧？

写到这里，mummy在想，小时候的我，一定也是这么疼爱的。一定是。婆婆一直说着这个故事，她说，某天小时候的mummy不乖把公公弄气，公公一气下藤条拉高，打到mummy的裙子。

后来一直过意不去，到幼稚园在窗外，一直看着我。

我的记忆里没有这件事。

我的记忆可以拉到最长最长，最长最长的地方，都找不到被公公打、骂的痕迹。怎么尝试都好，都是找不到。

日子久了，mummy也不记得了公公为mummy做的事情，包括载mummy去海滩玩（那个被照片记录下来）、每天载送mummy去学校（这件事，从mummy小三到高中完毕，每天如此）⋯⋯⋯⋯

这些都忘记了，一直到给沁芝写下这片“买牛奶”，才回来。

mummy因为沁芝记得了，自己是多么被公公疼爱。

然后其他的通通消失不见。

亲爱的沁芝，你是这样地被疼爱。这样地被捧在手心。一直都是。

 

My enemy, the teacher

两天前去上art class，之前就很期待。

老师这次给了我一种clay，让我用手雕塑她给的主题：your enemy。

我马上想到的是我自己。

想着要如何雕一个代表自己的东西，结果一下撮、捏、揉，弄出一个像是notebook的notepad，然后再弄了一支笔。老师要我解释自己的作品。我说，最大的敌人就是自己。

生活中很多事情，好像敌人是别人（比如不喜欢的同事），好像敌人是事情（不喜欢、不开心的事情），好像敌人是别样东西（得不到、不喜欢的东西）。

但如果心定、有智慧，就会发现，其实这些东西只是一面镜子，就像湖水一潭，反射、照耀出自己的特质、偏执己见。

假如自己可以改变立场，看法、观点，看似敌人的人事务，不再是敌人。

所以最大的敌人，是自己，自己的情绪、惶恐、执着、心情，是自己给自己设限，障碍自己，阻止自己。

像是之前订飞机票去苏黎世时，我又回复从前的不确定，是不是该花那么多钱？我真的可以这么做吗？真的可以随心所欲？随心所欲，给我不安，因为有太多的时候，我不在随心所欲，都在盘算，努力推敲，让自己的人生很calculated。是一种不敢随心所欲的心态。会不会太张狂了？会不会啊？会不会没有照顾到下一步？

心里这样在担心着，害怕着。怕把好料一下子吃完。

那是旧思维，因为自己的经验，脑子已经program出一套对事的看法，碰到什么决定、事情，这套旧思维立即跳出来运作。以前我不aware，每次都被这套旧有的program摆布，结果无法有意识地做主，结果一次又一次，因为不够mindful，强化了这套旧program

最近因为接触到awareness，我开始对自己有更高的awareness

至少现在我能在当下认识到旧有思维的控制性。

看到continue to pay的时候，我停住了，

脑子一片混乱

我看到一些恐惧、一些不确定，也看到旧有思维的运作。怎么选择？

我记得有一个凸起的思绪：不如这次换一个方式吧？拣选和旧有思维不一样的方式？尝试新的路子，纵然也有不确定，我这次想要这么做。尝试听心里的声音，按照心的想法，而不是纯粹地被旧有的思维系统左右，阻拦自己心里想做的事情。

于是，我按下continue to pay

：）

我知道了，自己的那些担忧，其实来自自己的执着。害怕无常的执着，想要cling to美好的执着，对自己没有信心的执着、对自己有力量这件事，没有把握的clinging

看到了更深一层的原因，是执着、是ignorance，好像那一瞬间，豁然开朗。

知道了是什么在束缚自己，当下立即解脱了。困难的是，如何维持这样的awareness。如何看得透彻。

我对老师说，敌人，也是老师。

就像如何用刀子的道理一样。

敌人就是一次自己要上的课，教导自己关于自己、人生的一点什么。

以前我只看到敌人，现在可以看到敌人的教诲，看到敌人给自己上的课程：）

我告诉老师，我在这方面还有待进步，因为不是能次次都立刻看到敌人里的老师，有时也被敌人带着走，许久才认出里头原来有老师。

但对于自己的长进和进步，真的还是很开心。

接下老师说：“now that u have identified your enemy, i want to invite u to do a transformation of the enemy, in whatever way u like, u can change the complete setup of what u have made”

我知道那个意思。我不想把原有的毁掉，再柔柔捏捏造出一个时钟来。

我告诉老师，敌人的教导丰富了我的生命，一点一滴的，都是我。

所以我没有要去除任何一部分的想法，但我觉得我还没有完全掌握、领悟到敌人的所有教诲，所以我需要时间，去沉淀、去提炼出敌人老师的所有教导。那些都是太大的学问。我还在慢慢学习、了解、消化，我觉得我需要时间这么做。

：）

这样的art class真的很丰富，很有趣，柔柔捏捏的时候，有时觉得不太能做到我要的造型，almost intuitively，我改变方法，按按、搓搓，发现自己原来也有一种灵巧，这样行不通，那用另一种方式去达到自己要的效果，不用死死跟住原来的方法。

这也是一种学习和提醒，在艺术中发现自己原来也有的灵巧特质。

让自己真的很满意

：）

老师说，她发现我不论绘画、捏泥，过程都很brief

她说她一直要我做的，就是immerse myself in the process，to b in the moment，而不是被害怕等其他因素牵引，导致自己不能b in the present/enjoy the present

我说我担心不够时间，所以不能深入进入状况

她笑了：“u c, the fear is still there, n stopping u from enjoying the moment! if there is not enough time, i will let u know!”

我的身心里藏有太多的疑虑和担忧，是这些在消耗我，糟蹋我，阻止我。

要如何不受他们牵绊？

once u recognise it, just choose a new route/way.

一次一次这么做，编写新的program。

may all have the wisdom to recognise/b aware of their old habits/thought patterns, n to break free.

Gut Response

June 23, 2011

In Touch with True Emotions

Our bellies can be wonderful monitors of our emotional health and the truth can always be found there.

So often, emotions that we long to express get stored in our bodies instead. The space where this most often happens is in our bellies. Rather than telling people, our even ourselves, the way we truly feel, we may stuff our true feelings deep inside of us, where they take up space until we are ready to let them go. Stuffing our feelings in our bellies may feel like the “safe” response, since we then don’t really have to deal with our emotions. Yet, doing so can actually be detrimental to our emotional well-being and physical health.

One way to connect with and release your emotions is to do a focused exercise with your stomach area. Take a moment to center yourself with some deep breathing and quiet meditation, relaxing your body fully and turning off the chatter in your brain. With your right hand on your stomach, tell yourself three times: “Please reveal to me my true emotions.” Listen for the answers. Repeat the exercise as many times as you would like, allowing yourself to drop deeper into your body each time. Notice any physical response in the stomach area, whether you have a warm, relaxed feeling in the middle of your body or if you feel tight knots in response to any emotions that do come up. You may even want to write down any answers that come to you. Remember that the body doesn’t lie.

Releasing our pent up feelings from our bellies can prevent disease and allow us to live more authentic and expressive lives. Sometimes, if too much emotional energy builds up inside of us, a blowout can result that can cause discomfort. You can help to alleviate this compression by doing the same exercise and adding sound to your emotional release. The more guttural the sounds released through your mouth, the more emotions you are likely letting go. Releasing your emotions from your belly doesn’t have to be painful and hard; rather, it can be organic and effortless. It’s important not to judge whatever comes up for you. We tend to stuff our feelings in our bellies when we are ashamed of them or not ready to express them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. You can’t help your feelings; if anything, you can help yourself by acknowledging the truth of your emotions so you can set yourself free.

28months

21/6/2011

沁芝28个月大了：）

很快很快，X个月，已经无法形容沁芝快速的成长，很快很快，mummy就要改用沁芝X岁大了

很快很快，daddy和mummy就老了：）

这个时候的沁芝，拥有了第一个Lego，小时候mummy也喜欢用Lego造房子，和阿妹姨姨一起玩，沁芝这个时候收到了daddy选的pooh bar Lego set，daddy说要买沁芝可以共鸣的Lego，才能引起沁芝的兴趣。

小小的一套，才十几块的Lego，却有无穷的可能，daddy造Lego，和沁芝一起创意玩、幻想玩，结果

粉红色的花朵有了味道

pooh bear看到沁芝吃饭、喝milo的时候会凑过来

pooh bear会kiss kiss沁芝

晚上要睡觉了，沁芝会对pooh bear说晚安

这个时候的沁芝，参加了第一场午间的婚宴，是三伯公的小女美嫱在merchant court hotel的结婚，沁芝起先有些害怕这么大的场面，后来告诉她，是cinderella

结果她开始注意cinderella的一举一动，甚至凑过去亲亲她，抱抱她

期待她的每一次出场，然后高举双手兴奋地拍拍

数个礼拜之后，看到我们的新人的合照，会指着mummy左手上的blister说，cinderella也有这个。

沁芝有一阵子喜欢绑头发

喜欢给沁芝绑头发

那种感觉很magical

看着沁芝用双手去触摸绑起来的头发，摇头感受头发的晃动，欣赏绑头发的自己，

画面很美。

 

 

这个时候的沁芝，当然也时常外出

喜欢搭巴士，并逐渐习惯搭地铁，她最近说：“Everybody sit train 不怕”
她最爱的任务就是tap ez link card

为了照顾到沁芝对巴士的喜爱，daddy丢掉理智，不怕时间长、晚，回来的时候总让沁芝搭巴士。

 

 

 

 

这一天，我们又去wheel了，很喜欢daddy吻沁芝的手势，以前daddy也是这么挽着mummy，这么地拥吻

不知道沁芝是什么感觉。

这回，我们尝试喂鱼，是沁芝的第一次：）

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

沁芝喜欢爬这里的梯级，mummy总会先爬上去，然后给拾级而上的沁芝掌声鼓励鼓励

 

这个时候的沁芝，参加了第一次的Gap sales ：）

挑了一件粉红色的芭蕾舞蓬蓬裙

 

 

第二次去，挑了一双粉红色的flats

不肯脱

问沁芝，是喜欢school还是music class？她想也不想说是music class，她爱凑到老师的身边，喜欢得到老师的赞许

 

 

music class之后的例常形式就是去bakerzin吃沁芝喜欢的strawberry cake

 

不知道沁芝想干什么，但就是觉得她很可爱

 

 

 

 

父亲节那天，我们到sun with moon吃日本餐，沁芝一直说zhizhi wants to eat cake, strawberry cake

结果daddy就点了，沁芝大口大口地勺，还会分给我们：）

除了strawberry cake，沁芝还喜欢吃ice cream，姨姨会去买小小的cone，让沁芝凉快凉快

 

最近尝试带沁芝去borders，本来想借机给沁芝多读些故事书，后来发现沁芝对整个环境、书局里的人更感兴趣，根本坐不下来，来回跑动拿书给mummy，却没有真正坐下的意愿，不要紧，就让沁芝再熟悉一下环境

某个星期一，公公说要煮汤给我们喝，于是我们到了阿姨的家，喝汤。

公公喜欢抱着沁芝看旧照片，不知道公公跟沁芝说了什么，我想，应该会提到外婆的名字吧

然后沁芝总是喜欢躺在庚延舅舅的床上，抱着他的frog，和阿妹姨姨聊天

沁芝这个时候第一次到游泳池去

一开始，小心翼翼沿着池边的梯级来回走，偶尔跑过去中池为在游泳的哥哥姐姐拍手，然后再回到小池

过了一阵，弯腰

 

然后可以适应坐在梯阶玩水

然后包着粉红色的bathrobe回来，沁芝真的很爱穿这个bathrobe

第二次到游泳池，沁芝带着poohbear一起去

学会在泳池里给pooh bear 冲凉

学会到更深的池水走动

真是了不起

mummy在一旁看了，感触很深。

沁芝学习到尝试、勇敢地探险，尽管害怕，仍勇敢尝试，到更深不可测的地方去，实在是不容易的事情。我们渐渐长大了以后，开始忘记探险、忘记那种直接而单纯的勇敢，沁芝敢到更深的池水走动的勇气，mummy希望沁芝要一直记得，尤其在人生低潮时候

我看着自己，如何面对自己的恐惧，告诉自己，害怕的时候，也要记得沁芝摆出来的勇敢姿态。

重点是，身边如果有了看着、陪伴着，信心一定能加倍，就像daddy一直在旁看着沁芝一样。

最近把沁芝带回家，沁芝习惯了看着mummy冲凉，mummy冲凉的时候，沁芝就坐在外头的pink chair上等mummy。

回到家里，沁芝的早餐、午餐、晚餐都和在姨姨家有所不同

基于方便，我们少煮，尽量选择健康的食物，让沁芝同时也可以有多种口味的尝试，像是cedele的grilled vegetables

楼下的菜贩

红豆面包，沁芝都很爱

这个父亲节，沁芝在happy train学会了做手工给daddy，这就是成品，不知道daddy心里是什么滋味。

这个时候的沁芝，不仅会手工

说的话也特别的小大人，像是会说Daddy go to work, mama carry zhizhi

不要吃的时候，会找大人的手心，说：“Pui chu Lai”（吐出来）

某天，她居然记得稍早有Call ah gong、 kiss n hug公公————向我邀功

最近因为和沁芝更亲近，抱她的时候，她会玩mummy的胸部，然后说Ne ne pok

我的天！

姨姨抹地的时候会跟沁芝说，沁芝不要出来，滑滑，久而久之，沁芝已经听懂，问她，姨姨抹地的时候可以出去走动吗？她说：“No，Guk guk，If go will puat puat“

听婆婆说，沁芝到楼下走走时，听到别人叫她沁芝妹妹，还会生气，居然挽着婆婆的手要离开，过后才说：沁芝姐姐、沁芝姐姐。

这几次带沁芝回家，总有个画面特别叫mummy心动

阿姨婆婆会在楼上看着沁芝和mummy回家，实在找不出可以形容那种感觉的文字。 把人养大、然后送回家的样子，我想，被照顾长大回家的沁芝和mummy都不可能懂得。

我只知道目送自己的眼光是多么柔和温暖，u know there is support n can set forth with confidence

前几天，阿姨生病，mummy决定带沁芝回来，虽然daddy隔天有工作，虽然mummy还是感觉有些不安稳，还是决定要沁芝和mummy单独在家。开始有些害怕、感觉压力，胡思乱想，会不会怎样？会不会发生什么事？后来是觉知这些只是习惯性的monkey mind在叽里呱啦，接着是沁芝带mummy进入状况，让我忘记害怕。

要不是daddy问：和沁芝在家，会不会怕？我还真的忘记了！

我们在家，一起睡醒、一起早餐、一起喝milo、一起凉衣服、一起到房间玩玩具、一起午餐、一起冲凉、一起看电视⋯⋯⋯⋯很快的，便是一天。

sayang沁芝入睡，抚摸沁芝顺滑的头发、温柔的脸颊，是最好的destress方法。让我投入、让我享受、让我解放。让我知道为另一个人care的滋味。有时沁芝会说：妈妈carry沁芝to sleep。我就抱着沁芝。

有时我们一起唱歌 ，唱沁芝喜欢的Jelly on the Plate、How much is that doggy in the window，一起编造歌曲，沁芝看到chair on the floor， 还sing to jelly on the plate的tune

mummy唱：“how much is that doggy／cow cow／cat cat in the window?”她说woof woof／moo moo／meow meow

她爱唱歌，会拿出嘴里的tutu，和mummy一起唱她baby开始我就唱的ABC、baa baa black sheep、twinkle twinkle little star、london bridge⋯⋯⋯⋯

joy can b so simple yet so real n fulfilling 我忽然知道了带大孩子的秘诀。

要怎么带大一个自信、幸福的好孩子？ 就是给她很多爱 。

和沁芝独自在家，有些时候觉得，还是回去上班比较容易。但sayang沁芝入睡突然觉得，一切还是值得的。抱着沁芝，说i love u ，她也这么说i love u mummy。

叫她再说一遍，她再说一遍i love u mummy，然后我们再一起唱歌。我sayang她的脸颊，她sayang我的大腿，躲进我的双脚，呼呼大睡。

may u b well n happy 🙂

Taking Things Personally

June 20, 2011
Staying Afloat amidst the Spin

Every time you interact with others, you have the choice to listen to, acknowledge, and let go of their words, or you can take what they are saying personally.

Taking things personally is often the result of perceiving a person’s actions or words as an affront or slight. In order to take something personally, you must read negative intent in an individual’s words or actions. But what people do and say has no bearing upon you and is usually based on their own experiences, emotions, and perceptions. If you attempt to take what they do or say personally, you may end up feeling hurt without reason.

If you are tempted to take a comment or action personally, creating some distance between yourself and the other person can help you. Try to determine what is at the root of your feelings. Ask yourself if the other person’s words or actions are just reinforcing some insecurity within you or if you can really be sure that an offense was intended. You may even want to ask them what they meant. Finally, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Instead of taking their words as the truth, or as a personal affront, remember that whatever was said or done is based on their opinion and is more reflective of what is going on inside of them, rather than having anything to do with you. You may have been an easy target for someone having a bad day, and their comments may have been offered with no ill intentions.

When you recognize that what anyone says or does doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you, you will no longer feel hurt or attacked. While it’s easy to take things personally, you should never let anyone’s perceptions or actions affect how you see yourself or your worth. Your life is personal to you, and it is up to you to influence your own value and sense of well-being.

Life as a process of discovery n inspiration

By rock climber who lost limbs at 17 but became an award winning inventor n professor at MIT

Dr Hugh Herr

From yongey mingyur rinpoche before he started his retreat

In parting, I would like to give you one small piece of advice to keep in your heart. You may have heard me say this before, but it is the key point of the entire path, so it bears repeating: All that we are looking for in life — all the happiness, contentment, and peace of mind — is right here in the present moment. Our very own awareness is itself fundamentally pure and good. The only problem is that we get so caught up in the ups and downs of life that we don’t take the time to pause and notice what we already have.

Don’t forget to make space in your life to recognize the richness of your basic nature, to see the purity of your being and let its innate qualities of love, compassion, and wisdom naturally emerge. Nurture this recognition as you would a small seedling. Allow it to grow and flourish.

Many of you have generously asked how you can help support my retreat. My answer is simple: Keep this teaching at the heart of your practice. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, pause from time to time and relax your mind. You don’t have to change anything about your experience. You can let thoughts and feelings come and go freely, and leave your senses wide open. Make friends with your experience and see if you can notice the spacious awareness that is with you all the time. Everything you ever wanted is right here in this present moment of awareness.

I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers.

Yours in the Dharma,

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

疼自己

Dear qinzhi

The act of pampering, not only that, but the pampering of oneself
Is best if lavished on the self

Because unwittingly, it is always left to others

Others could not always consider things from your perspective

They do not always manage to think in your best interest

So it is best to understand yourself
Think for yourself
Care for yourself
Pamper yourself

The result is vastly different

突然想去尼泊尔

“There is no Buddha elsewhere; look at your own face.

There is nothing else to search for; rest in your own place.

Non-meditation is spontaneous perfection,

so capture the royal seat.”

                                                                           Tsoknyi Rinpoche I