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Joy

Joy

Is daddy bringing me to a dharma talk n staying with me

Is having a warm soup before sleep n sleeping with qinzhi

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Learning to listen

Dear Qinzhi

i was at ZbBz’s anniversary event earlier on, but due to whatever reasons, i had a panic attack. i guess i got excited, then there were some nice souls who came n asked me how i was, there was one who said, why r u so tired….?

n it came up…

i must have not knowingly tried to bear with it, suppress it, push it down many times, until i was numb in the hands

i did not like the feeling,

one came up to me n said, u look tired, take a seat.

i wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay, i told myself, a bit longer, a bit longer. then a thought juz came n said, juz go. so i told a colleague n left.

immediately after walking out, the pnic attack seemed to lessen considerably, the numbness left.

it was such a marked difference, it gave me an insight, that is, what i have learnt earlier----离开意味某种放下,放下了马上觉得舒服。

after a walk, i wanted to go back, i thought i had gotten better, why not go back? there was a toasting session that needed me to be around n all the big bosses in SPH were there. People would say, where is Pin Yen. And they would know i m no feeling well. And some might know i m not feeling well because of a panic attack.

i thought, should i go? should i?

my gut didnt want me to, my mind wanted me to.

i chose to listen to my gut. it was instinctive.

no reasons were needed, i juz listened.

at first, i felt lousy, why dont i stick on?juz bear it for a while more? i felt inferior.

but as i was writing a msg to daddy, i suddenly felt like crying.

listening to myself feels so good. in it is acknowledging one’s self. my gut wanted me to pay attention to my body because my body needed rest.

so i came home n bought myself a little dessert n starting writing to qinzhi.

n i felt good, so much better than silly me bearing it down there. and daddy said, enjoy your shower ba, more important than making your bosses happy.

dear qinzhi, i hope u learn to listen to urself as early as u can. learn to, and u will benefit more.

原来,离开是为了稍后回来。

唯有放下,才有后来的拿起。这句话,之前听一位受访者说,当时只是感动,不太明白。现在完全能领略。

我可以吗?不顾一切,只是回到沁芝身边。每天跟着沁芝。

好像没有很难。

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Joy

Joy is

waking up to find daddy v considerately  putting the iphone cable in my bag

it is visiting meidi ya with daddy and having a good meal with him

it is reading wise words n learning to understand n to apply

it is reading my own work again, reliving the experience n getting touched by it, then learning from it again

to be continued……

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And Max Busser said to me

27/10/2010 下午 10:55

RE: Thank you
Maximilian Busser  to: Tan Pin Yen

Dear Yen,
 
You were faster than me as I had planned in thanking you this evening for a most inspiring interview.
From time to time comes an interview where I can discover about myself by answering interesting questions. It was therefore a real pleasure and your email comforted me in the feeling that that moment was special.
 
Wishing you of course to be able to find your way – it doesn’t come from heaven, but from within – and all the very best !
 
Warmest regards,
 
Maximilian Busser
 
 
 
 
From: Tan Pin Yen [mailto:binyan@sph.com.sg]
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:41 AM
To: Maximilian Busser
Subject: Thank you
 
Hello Mr Busser

I hope i come as a surprise, just as you did.

I m writing to just say how good i felt during the interview on Monday at 11am.

Thank you for telling me about your fears, about something so intimate as “going thru therapy for not talking to dad enough”, thanks too for telling me about your “drug” n following the gut.

Your words bring on pictures in my mind as I listen, they bring on waves in me and touch me deeply.

And more so,thank you for telling me about the gratitude you feel, how blessed you are, and how that is giving you the energy to carry you further and to thwart any obstacle that might come forth.

It has been a most inspiring session for me, as i try to locate my gut.And learn about who I m.

Thank you for coming and I look forward to reading more stories from Parallel World, as I continue to allow myself to be wowed at your future super selfish creations.

Yen

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Blessed

Dear qinzhi

I fell into sleep feeling blessed last night.
I read about a three month baby who is undergoing an operation this morning to open a hole in his throat to help him breathe.
There was then a pain in my heart that was throbbing n making waves, refusing to go. It made me feel the feeling of helplessness.
There is so much suffering out there in life, it is daunting.
But it also made me feel that what I m going thru is peanuts.
There r so many out there who r worse off, who m I to complain? It reduced whatever of my circumstance to something which became bearable to me, immediately
It sort of made me solid
Then daddy turned n slept closer, his face close to mine, before i know, tears came down
My heart was full, washed clean of the earlier feeling of helplessness. In place was a full n rounded feeling which was immense n energy giving, I feel so blessed n loved.

Just when others are suffering, I have a comfortable bed I can retire to, I can have the chance of a good sleep, and I should so as to make what was given to me worthy.

I have a happy n healthy child, n i tell myself, i want to spend more time with you, i want to grow up with you, bring you to school, share your joys n fears. I want to put down work at some point n do this i want.

I have v good support fr Gorgor n hui, I have so many people who love n care for me.

It is—– these all, so big the support so strong felt all at once for one time, I tell myself, what is the past? why cling on? Why cling to grudges/unhappiness/fear?
Once over, just let them go! How unimportant! And They were never mine!

The feeling of support n blessings is so big n strong, it diminishes the importance or regard I had for all the grudges I had, things i had trouble making sense of, knots i had difficulty undoing,

they instantaneously dropped off me.

They simply disappeared.

And the strong sense of blessings gave me strength, that which is solid and grounding, to bring my head up again telling me to face up, to meet.

To not run away. To not fight. To just accept.

It makes me want to cherish, to live well.

The feeling is wonderful n … I just fell into sleep. Till daddy kissed me this morning.

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A seed of corn

Dear Qinzhi

If ever you feel daddy n mummy far away, look at this, as told by Thich Nhat Hanh.

He tells us all, that our parents are not ouside of us, and

daddy n mummy, we are inside you, continuing in your life.

“A plant of corn grew from a seed of corn.

The seed is always there in the plant of corn.

If you look at your baby pictures, you will find that the baby is still in you, you r a continuation of the baby.

We all grew from a seed, in fact smaller than a seed of corn, in our mother’s womb, mother breathed, ate, drank for us. We do not have to worry abt anything in the womb for nine mths. In there , it’s not too cold not too hot, comfortable.

Half of the seed is from mother, the other half from father.

And the seed is in u.it is still living in u, just as the seed of corn is living in the plant of corn.

People think that mother n father is outside of u. But the seed of mother n father is in u n growing with u.
They r in each n every cell of u.

We r the continuation of the father n mother. When u practice mindful breathing, u c that the father n mother is present in each n every cell of ur body.

When u breathe, invite the father in u to breathe. Father n son enjoy breathing in n out.

When u smile, the father n mother smiles with u. When u practice mindful walking, father n mother also enjoy walking mindfully.

And for that, grandparents n ancestors also enjoy the beauty of mindful walking. The benefits do not stop with u.
—– Thich Nhat Hanh