0

Thank You 2014

每年这个时候,我都觉得我需要回去整理这一年,看看下来可以/应该怎么过,比之前好。

回去看之前写的,好有启发性。还是有所学习。

今年1月的post:Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

我的感觉,是同样的一个人,我想做一个write what i mean, to inspire and to touch的 writer.

不知不觉,已经是2014年的12月28日。

去年12月10日回去上班,时间在指缝间溜走,一年了。

我问自己,今年过得如何?

好像一场梦。

经历过的,访问过的人,吃的东西,去的香港、塔斯马尼亚、珀斯、restaurant australia、巴黎、伦敦、民丹岛。

精彩得让一切像是梦。

很奇怪的是,和家人的旅行很真实,自己那种奢华的享受反而非常虚幻。

圣诞节前几天病了,消化不良,没有什么胃口,很累。昏昏欲睡。很沉。走得不稳。

心情上的不稳定和不开心再次来袭。肚子胀气。消化不良,后来才知道,是心里消化不掉一些东西。

我变得模糊不清,不知道自己要什么了,我陷入迷朦了。我弄失自己了。

2014年太忙太忙。
昏头转向,面对付出和回报不平等的状态,我不再像是以前那样,那样傻傻不计较,那是愚蠢。

公司和上司对我的不器重,让我觉得自己在浪费时间。为了满足自己对热忱的追求,我必须割舍与孩子的时间,我必须熬夜累坏身子。我觉得that’s not a good deal。继续下去,只会累坏自己。太傻了。

但更重要的是,在外头,工作上的忙碌和不愉快,掩盖了我,工作上的好处,诱惑了我,让我变得贪婪,我迷失了。

我离开自己远了。

既然是这样,陈彬雁,那就要把自己拉回来!2015年就把自己拉回来,我告诉自己,做最是自己的自己。

回顾facebook上的这一年,真的好丰富,好精彩,然后我看到自己的birthday message

But 35 is such a milestone, TPY. I know u have fought hard, and so beautifully dear.
Continue to follow your heart in the days ahead, i wish you happiness, i wish you bliss, i wish you to be well n happy. you definitely deserve all that you asked for. continue to have high expectations of yourself. continue to better yourself in ways more than one. Continue to discover n wonder. Be a light upon yourself and others. I wish you love and lots to share.

continue to follow your heart 是什么?

我问自己。我还没有答案。

好像在每一天的忙碌当中,我没有在过自己的生活。好像都是走进走出别人的人生,那我的呢?

怎么可以是第二位?

有些我非常喜欢的posts和领悟。
像是去做了肠胃内窥镜,然后医生说,不管我们在外是什么肤色,里面可以干净得看到血脉。
那是一次胜利。自己战胜自己的胜利。

好喜欢皓皓20个月在家楼下scooter,牙牙学语的片段。

我喜欢动手去做点好吃的喂饱家人。

我突然想到了,我想
做瑜伽
行走
写得开心
继续写吃的、继续访问大厨
过得更健康更规律
有更多时间陪孩子
有时间休息

我问自己,做这些重要吗?会比我赚回来的钱重要吗?
嗯。重要。
这么写来,好像更清楚不迷糊了。

喜欢在The Shard的感觉,

I simply couldn’t take myself away. Yesterday n tomorrow. London and beyond. Everything about life is here. And what is real? The tangibles you touch and the structures you live in? Or the untouchables that follow u every step of the way? Totally in love with the reflections and changing lights. But what is amazing you ask? It’s NOW.

在这样的高度之上看到太多东西交错——时间、空间、过去、现在,伦敦的,世界的,自己的。

我无法不被这一步步的走来,而感激。

我特别难忘在paragon前看stephen wiltshire画新加坡,全身鸡皮疙瘩的感觉。那就是真实的力量。

我喜欢自己对饮食的领悟-food is good, if and only if, it brings you places. You will have to visit somewhere in an instant, in a bite. Good food is emotional.

我喜欢去香港碰到的故事-you stumble upon things. The awesome stuff, or people, life changing events, you stumble upon a chance. Then, chances… You have to (stumble) in order to reach or realize the connection. They find you, not the other way round. Such is the magic of travel.

它让我觉得只要听从内心的声音,路自然会安排给你走。

我喜欢在天星码头到salisbury地下道看到的quotes
比如what is now proved was once imagined
To be an artist is to believe in life
A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art.

阳光温暖,我要和每一个踏步相遇。

Luxury is to have time to breakfast.我喜欢slow juicing

我喜欢看到孩子做对的事情,比如沁芝给dr ngiam画图画。

我喜欢我的领悟:how priceless, what we already have is
皓皓病了,却让我记起我们很多人都遗忘了的一件事–我们都有很强的自我疗愈能力。
我最想孩子学的不是zzz学yyy学xxx学。而是这个,人生最重要的。“人生最重要的是保持自己的真心性,心灵的一片清净洁白。”

路是人走出来的。

喜欢看皓皓玩,把奶瓶当笔,地板当画纸。so fun!wished I could still play like that. Without care.

可以的。只要自己允许自己。给自己机会。

原来,平常、平凡、普通、如常,已经是最大的幸福。

沁芝画画:Just as it had worked for me, I hope art will, and always be a sense of fulfillment for QinZhi. An organic form of expression, as well, working with oneself from within and a means of navigating the world. Qinzhi’s first art piece .

Each other– it occurred to me that this is the best gift I can ever afford to give to each of them.

I feel v privileged whenever I see chefs at work. I noticed chefs often have big, thick hands, but it’s really amazing when these hands do the littlest of things, the attention to detail can light up another life.

皓皓14个月大的时候-宝贝,但愿你在探索的每一刻都有最美丽的惊叹,获得最快乐的启发。

Where can you find that?this lust for life, the spontaneity, the enthusiasm.

农历新年,看舞狮的感悟。

以前不懂得欣赏,现在很喜欢。于是,身心某一处好像悄悄开启多一块地。我知道的空间,又大了一些。实在都是时间的功劳。但愿……我们经验的内在空间,都跟着日子的推移,只会越来越宽,不会越来越窄。不然,真的,辜负了时间。

人生最大的幸运,就是相信自己幸运。——黎智英

把newsmaker弄哭:In the midst of an interview today, in the midst of sharing, the news maker was so touched he teared. I treasure these moments . They are so so short lived but so very very REAL. The picture he saw , the history he went through. Tastes of long ago. So much time, in a few f-l-e-e-t-i-n-g moments.

抱着皓皓:son. friend. Teacher.

沁芝做gok zai:小时候快过年,奶妈会自制蛋卷、gok zai、发糕、年糕。
那时我不懂得珍惜的味道。
看到沁芝动手做,我仿佛看到小时候的自己。
这中间,穿梭了多少时间,变幻了许多人事。
长大了、过去了
但那味道啊
居然抵过一切
依旧。

With age, u find yourself getting

(a) more vulnerable.
(b) stronger.
(c) lost.
(d) lovelier

用manduca抱着皓皓:naughty little pretty little thing

搭电梯碰到另一个家长:Taking QinZhi down to the school bus every morning is such an awakening experience. Parents carry , some push in strollers their precious sleeping babes, also to rush to school then off to work. The brief conversation in the lift reveals difficulties n challenges each faces. And you get the sense that life isn’t easy, for yourself n everyone else. And you arrive at the wisdom that the only way to live life, is to make it easier as you go, not difficult. For the self and everyone else.

真正的安全感,是你知道你不依赖谁,生活上、精神上

1/1:May 2014 give us lots of light n warmth. Lots of opportunities to move in the right direction, towards greater freedom, greater mental well-being, greater balance, greater meaning. Blessed 2014 ahead.

我问自己,有吗?

好像没有哦。好像退步了的感觉。好像没有什么长进。

再看下去:看到去年repost22/1/2013皓皓出世那天我写的:

it was THE defining moment of my lifetime .

one is most aware in pain, whilst i was trying to push haohao out, these were the thoughts that ran through me

I told myself I want to create a new pathway.

I told myself there is nothing I cannot do if i do not limit myself. Don’t stop myself.

I told myself, I don’t want to take the old road again.

and i can’t help being touched n inspired by these.

i will b well. i can heal myself. i will be happy.

我有多久没有那么相信自己了?我有多久没有和自己对话了?我有多久没有听自己做自己真正想要的东西了?

12月最后一周过得特别辛苦,生病了,没有办法照顾自己的小孩,还要赶稿改稿,我生气了。改稿的面前,我的病不算什么。

是我不够专业吗?

以前听前辈们说,报馆就是这样的地方,你怎么地付出都好,报馆不会在你生病的时候记得你照顾你。

那是前辈用生命换回来的体会,我没有听进去。现在自己切身感受,突然很受惊吓。是的,我吓了一大跳!我彻底地感受到打击。我太愚蠢了,这一直以来。

30日这一天,看到一句这样的话:如果人生本来是一场浪费,那么就让它浪费在喜欢的事情上吧。

晚上和沁芝皓皓facetime,突然有此感悟:如果都是要做到那么累,那我情愿是在做家里的工。如果都是做到要那么的生气,那我情愿是面对我的两个宝贝。

我听《我是演说家》,有一个林义杰说,他的故事启发了另一个女孩,女孩说,人生原来没有看到北极光,那就白来了。人生需要一个急转弯,急转弯之后,一定有一条不一样的跑道。

好像就是在说我。

我需要一条不一样的跑道。

去年12月31日我这么写:

I think 2013 was about selfless giving n to a certain extent, experimenting with a different way of life, trying to put in place the inspirations i have had.

In the new 2014, i think it will be about executing certain inspirations with a higher level of confidence n boldness, with a stronger n surer sense of myself.

i want to be with my kids n myself more. I want to work for a better love. Find my love back.

I want to slow down.

I need to learn to b more selective. Whether it b at work or my diet. Whether it b a thought or a feeling.

I want to reclaim a bit of myself. I like to find me back, on a deeper level. I want my heart, soul n body to sync more n i will work towards that, so as to gain a deeper more solid sense of inner ease n peace, n emotional stability.

i want to do more good in more ways than one, it could be in writing, to inspire n to b inspired. i hope to be able to meet my teacher n to receive guidance n blessings from him, yongey mingyur rinpoche. i hope to b able to contribute n to help people in need. along the way, roping my children in.

i want to work towards being more attentive to my heart, to listen to its voice n to follow it.

I want to correct myself, all those unwholesome ways n be positive .

i want to open myself up further, to invite more space, n create depth n width in my body n mind.

i want to better myself n be more generous to myself n to others. i want to be more grounded n aware. i want to help myself grow in wisdom. i want to heal myself.

I want to make an obvious step to moving toward greater freedom, greater mental well-being, greater balance, greater meaning

I want to eat sleep n live like a baby.

I know I m powerful n I want to b with my power .

i want to be more mindful.

i want to be in the moment. Be open n present to life.

just be. be the light that i was n have been, to reclaim that light, to be a light upon myself n to others.

好像完全没有做到。

那就把这些计划放在2015年。蒋勋说的,35回来做自己。

我想在2015年把最不圆满的部分、最不需要的态度、最不受用的想法,统统去掉。

简化我的人生。

i want to take an active step to curate my life。to do things i really want, say/write things i really mean,be the real me.

迎接更High definition的自己。

31/12/2014

i took a long walk, i took some time by myself, i tried to let loose, and had some inspirations along the way. i felt happier, because i heard my heart.

i love my work, i feel happy realising that, after that being so tough and trying, i still love my work very much, and it feels so good. its not about the money or anyone’s recognition. its being responsible for my words, my work and feeling satisfied after writing a good piece.

its that simple.

but i also understand, that the load was simply too much for me.my priorities have changed, now i want and need more time with myself and my family in the time ahead.

yes i love my work, but they do not mean as compared to my family.

and so, i want to take active steps to curating my life, to make things work for me and my family. and then in the meantime, continue to write with sincerity and from the heart.

i want to live simply and cut away all that i didn’t need. i need to listen to myself and go with my heart. i want to heal myself and others. i want to continue to be a light upon myself and others.

i want to give myself this chance to live the way i want, and so i will take active steps to address it, to step out. i want to live my life, the way i want.

if i do not curate it from now, start changing things that don’t work for me from now, then when?

i need to help myself from now.

i had a spa session at st regis earlier and i thought,  why do people celebrate the new year?what is 2014 worth celebrating for?

the new, i realise. its wonderful to be given a chance to start anew and afresh, from ground zero. there r no rules,  you r not bound by restrictions. you are free. and once a yr, we r given this chance. how blessed we are. how blessed we are.

in fact, every moment of the way, if we are aware, every moment presents us with the opportunity to experience it like never before.

and realising that , it is as if 2015 is a new book of empty pages. its that wonderful and i want to fill in the pages with all of that i said.

then i really want to go n celebrate.

i want to celebrate me. all the triumphs big and little ones along the way. all the hard work put in, all that effort put in to do my best. and to all that i tried hard for, the wonderful moments i had, the realisations i had, the wisdom that guided me. i m worth celebrating, once and again, i tried to push boundaries, i didn’t settle for less, i did to the best of me, from my heart. thank you 2014 for the opportunities and love.

and, good bye.

🙂

Advertisements
0

23 months

亲爱的宝贝

再过一个月,你就2岁了。

IMG_5750

皓皓好棒,非常独立,语言能力也很强,福建话和华语很溜,现在也对英语有兴趣了。比如出外的时候,看到新奇的事物会说:what is this,差点没笑着我!

还有说es-i-ca-ca-tor(escalator)、supamarket

mommy听起来很悦耳。

但皓皓最大的魅力,就是我 也说不出来的,就是很容易跟他亲呢。

这一天,带沁芝皓皓去机场。皓皓也许不知道,但每一个学校假期,这都是daddymommy会和沁芝一起做的事情,看看飞机,感受忙碌的机场,搭乘skytrain,过一下瘾。

这一天,皓皓有姐姐这么牵着,好幸福。

mommy看了都觉得好感动。沁芝很疼爱弟弟,会护着弟弟,懂得sayang弟弟

这一天,还给弟弟介绍电话

IMG_0765 IMG_0772 IMG_0778

IMG_0816

皓皓看到有小斜坡,发明了退后走的玩法,

IMG_0794 IMG_0802

然后很顽皮的他,居然还脱鞋这么赤着脚走着

IMG_0867 IMG_0869

阿姨婆婆说,皓皓吃东西,都会这么坐着。很聪明!他经常语出惊人,比如会说:妈妈,拍照!他也已经懂得自己叫做叶怀皓。

IMG_0881

早上,姐姐做什么弟弟也爱凑热闹,姐姐还会帮弟弟刷牙。

IMG_0982

IMG_0983

皓皓会把家里弄得很乱,但仍让人觉得幸福

IMG_0987

IMG_0989

记得,姐姐是这么牵着你的。从小开始。一直是。

IMG_0979

飞往巴黎前,先去看两个宝贝。皓皓看到我很高兴。拉着我去喝milk milk。
婆婆说,皓皓很聪明,说要milk milk,没有的话,皓皓会哭。但婆婆说,哭也没用,那皓皓就不哭了。

超喜欢看皓皓吃东西,婆婆说,皓皓非常独立,喜欢自己吃。现在都是半喂半自己吃。而且也不会弄掉。

喜欢看姨姨婆婆帮皓皓洗澡,抱着他,抹干,让擦粉,擦香油。

皓皓会说,粉不要耳朵。

IMG_1073.JPG

IMG_1080.JPG

IMG_1070.JPG

IMG_1058.JPG

喜欢看皓皓沁芝在一起

IMG_1088.JPG

几天不见,皓皓已经嫩能够唱歌了。

会唱《客人来》、《两只老虎》,会说很多话,比如会说,“还没有吞”、“吞了”、“流血”等。皓皓已经可以carry a conversation,可以跟人对话了。

现在不喜欢坐在婴儿车里,被推着,喜欢牵着婆婆的手在楼下散步,牵着婆婆,走这边、走那边……

这个月,有机会带皓皓沁芝去民丹岛的度假村The Sanchaya,让皓皓尝试沙滩、游泳和度假村旅游的滋味,这是daddy mommy拍拖时一度经常去的地方。

IMG_4990

IMG_5012

IMG_5055

IMG_5163

IMG_5191

IMG_5262

IMG_5264

IMG_5270 IMG_5272 IMG_5343 IMG_5360

IMG_5402

这个星期天,我们一家人到了MBS一带走走

开放的空间对孩子很重要

这样的开阔把自由这一回事非常形象地表达出来了。

IMG_5665 IMG_5668

他看姐姐试穿鞋子也有样学样!

IMG_5708 IMG_5722

小瓜居然还懂得骂粗话,然后说,是ah boon说的,搞得我哭笑不得。但他居然知道这是生气时候的用语。其实非常聪明。

皓皓总是显得in the know,不管说什么做什么,都非常的aware,而且in the present。大人说什么,他总是可以接上去,表示他的awareness level非常高。

最近他在pasir ris呆的时间久了,福建话说得非常好,什么kee ga bo mia(气到没命)、tiam la mai ca(安静不要吵),还有很多,如家具、身体部位等,他都能够说福建话,相当了不起。

去欧洲回来,以为他不吃奶了,没想到还是很粘我。

但这个时候的皓皓,懂得耍脾气了,要就要,不让步。还会哭的失声,但mommy也不让,做不对的照样是要训话的。

去年圣诞节,皓皓还是小宝贝,今年已经能跑跑跳跳,到处乱串了。

宝贝,要健康、平安、快乐!

IMG_5603

0

5 years 10 months

沁芝今天5岁10个月大了,很快明年上幼儿园K2,然后就上小学了。

宝贝,希望你快乐快乐,一定要努力,把内心最想要的,最想做的都表达出来

不要害怕。

跟两个宝贝在家不寂寞。
地板也可以睡得很幸福。
:)
和两人抱在一起,觉得如果是为这两个宝贝可以牺牲自己的一点什么,那也已经非常的privileged。

IMG_1541.JPG

IMG_1549.JPG

IMG_1523.JPG

IMG_1532.JPG

这一天,答应带沁芝搭巴士欣赏圣诞节灯饰!宝贝非常喜欢照相,总是爱这里拍那里拍。

IMG_1615.JPG

IMG_1569.JPG

IMG_1590.JPG

IMG_1617.JPG

IMG_1627.JPG

IMG_1631.JPG

原来这么快一年了。去年此时,沁芝才准备上k1,今年此时已经完成学习。

沁芝喜欢和mommy玩叠木块的游戏。
这一天,准备去姨姨婆婆家。

IMG_1641.JPG

IMG_1651.JPG

IMG_1647.JPG

星期天,带沁芝皓皓到飞机场。几乎每个假期我们都这么做。
让沁芝试试用公共电话打给阿姨的感觉。给她一角钱试试,或许沁芝长大以后就不会再有公共电话,但她会有打过电话的滋味。

IMG_0761.JPG

IMG_0765.JPG

IMG_0770.JPG

IMG_0785.JPG

今年机场的室内游戏设施是米奇老鼠主题。然后有折纸的活动,让宝贝折圣诞帽和圣诞树。

IMG_0820.JPG

IMG_0870.JPG

IMG_0841.JPG

IMG_0850.JPG

小孩的快乐很简单,只是空间便让他们快乐,可以自由玩耍。

沁芝给我配了一副眼镜:)她把贴在耳朵上的贴纸,贴在我的眼睛上,然后笑得很开心。mommy哪里舍得拿下?也带了一夜。

IMG_1015IMG_1014

带沁芝外出晚餐,在great world city这家文具店,里面有这样的设置,让孩子玩

IMG_1010_2

IMG_1011 ‘’

ah seng舅舅每周给沁芝$10,让沁芝买喜欢的东西。这就是最新的战利品!

IMG_1033

沁芝会帮弟弟刷牙,还会想帮弟弟穿尿片和裤子:)我的宝贝长大了,

IMG_0983

飞巴黎伦敦前,先去看沁芝皓皓。小妞长大了,越来越漂亮。
喜欢涂涂写写。这一天,她一直要mommy抱抱,我就像树,她是树熊。
她送了我一个小发夹,叫我可以看看。

IMG_1090-0.JPG

IMG_1065.JPG

IMG_1085.JPG

IMG_1083-0.JPG

小妞非常喜欢拍照摆pose,而且摆得越来越好!

IMG_1094.JPG

IMG_1091.JPG

IMG_1096.JPG

阿姨姐姐买了barbie的行李箱,沁芝很兴奋,马上要让我看。

IMG_1971.JPG

从巴黎伦敦回来,买了一个包包给沁芝,一看就喜欢的那种,小时候没有机会买的那种

小妞也喜欢,这么背着,好开心。

IMG_4810 IMG_4811

带她去逛,她喜欢鞋子,一直想要试穿

IMG_4820 IMG_4823

带沁芝去看Peter P an没有想到会吓着她,她哭了,最后成功安抚她。小妞太像是以前的我,这让我很担心,但我想一定有办法的。

办法就在她daddy身上,只要他改。

IMG_4887 IMG_4891

第一次带沁芝皓皓去度假村,是民丹岛的The Sanchaya豪华度假村。

小妞相当喜欢,沙滩泳池的度假方式。

看她开心,mommy也一样乐。

IMG_4986

IMG_4991

IMG_4995

IMG_5120

IMG_5137

IMG_5176

IMG_5149

IMG_5162

IMG_5255 IMG_5290 IMG_5327

IMG_5404

沁芝一直想去看ION高大的圣诞树,今天终于带她去看了。宝贝好开心:)

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/97a/4199892/files/2014/12/img_5598.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/97a/4199892/files/2014/12/img_5605.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/97a/4199892/files/2014/12/img_5601.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/97a/4199892/files/2014/12/img_5607.jpg