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Joy

Joy is having a nice jap meal, one which i always
wanted to bring daddy to try out

and to have him like it as well.

Joy, is also shopping with daddy, and to have him
hold my hand.

Joy is also conquering my tired on
my own n strolling along the river, n visiting ntuc with
qinzhi.

To b continued…

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2010

31/12/2010
11:05:49

亲爱的2010

:)

不到1个小时就要跟你说再见,感觉是开心的。我觉得我需要对21世纪的头个十年说bye bye。

过去十年,很折腾、很痛、很苦,但,

也很丰富,很甜蜜,很幸福,也有很多的获得。

所以告别21世纪的第一个十年之前,我还是想要说声谢谢。

谢谢2010带给我的所有大大小小的测验,让我可以有机会重省过去十年,甚至是更久以前的自己,谢谢21世纪头个十年,给予我的一切教导。
间中,我有很多的彷徨、恐惧、迷失,无助,但真真切切地,也在眼泪中、痛苦中学习。

and so they say,
in pain, u gain
not without reason

当下只觉疼痛、折腾、或者也有压抑了一些,现在则有种修学分的感觉。

好像站在山顶上看过往的12个月或以前的感觉,看到自己之前在爬山的样子。

陈彬雁,还好你坚持了。

好不容易啊,陈彬雁。

:)

爬山的时候,一面擦眼泪、一面擦汗水间,也知道了自己不足的地方和原因,结果对自己有了新的了解和体会。
1)比如缺乏自信、不确定自己、向外寻求approval、甚至对未来不太有把握

————除了自己小时候没有父母在旁给予支持和鼓励,长大后亲人离开、死亡的遭遇当然有关系。小时候虽然得到奶妈最悉心的照料,但毕竟他们不是父母。孩子小的时候最需要父母在旁,也许对他们点头,拍拍手,已是很好的鼓励和支持。
its about validating a child。to make her confident n sure n stable,so that she can put forth her next step with ease n confidence.
后来父亲的离开,母亲、舅舅、姨妈的死亡,其实每一场都有很多的恐惧。父亲的离开,妈妈的彷徨无助,妈妈的死亡带给周围的人的无力感、悲痛,等等。每一次的离去,不管是生离还是死别,都笼罩着一片乌云。

我在很不mindful的情况下,卷入其中,
关键是,自己没有好好make sense一切,没有好好去思考,体恤、了解。没有好好去明白,人生是什么?人生是为何?
我想,如果前辈们都有好好地面对人生,再mindful一点,结果或许不一样。 人生,真就是面对这回事。
真是,面对,而已。

用无穷大的勇气、你能凑集的智慧、耐心和爱心,去经历,去走。过。

2)沁芝
想到不想让沁芝成为另一个我。我觉得有种urgency。
上次在马尔代夫已经有感,知道我需要妈妈,就像沁芝需要我那样,不是为了帮助沁芝完成什么,只是在那里,看着沁芝。让她每一次回头都看到妈妈,知道背后有人撑着。我自己不太享有的感觉。
我没有的,我要努力地给沁芝。

事实上,开始有沁芝的时候,我已经对自己说,因为自己小时候是给奶妈照顾的,有了孩子,我想自己照顾。可是因为生活的实际性,把沁芝让很疼爱她的奶妈,把她当孙女的奶妈照料。这对有不定时间工作的我们来说,是最理想的安排,而沁芝也不需要每天来回赶着回家。可以更舒适,可以吃更美味的料理。
但潜意识里,这实在不是我心目中最完美的安排。

是内心的不满越来越无法忍受的压力。

沁芝让我看到小时候的自己那样。
每天这么度过、每天这么看沁芝的时候,我好像也看到小时候的自己。还有我不懂的需要。
这一点之前不那么明确,现在我看到了。还有它对我的伤害。原来小时候的我也是这样。i took a long time to realise this.

i knew i was very much loved, i knew my parents’ best options were to put me to nanny, because of life’s realities, but i guess deep down, i wanted more of my parents.

qinzhi must have wanted it juz like the way i did, tat was why she always seemed so happy to see me and to want a hug when she sees me come.

she needs me, i have been trying to gloss over that and to convince myself that she is getting the best care now.

it is this that is giving me stress, because i know deep down, she needs me more than anything else.

and that she needs me, juz to b there, not to do anything for her,but,

juz to b with her.

juz like i wanted it with my parents.

if there is a question of how to heal myself of the lack of confidence in myself, i guess the answer is qinzhi.

juz like when i bring her home n passes the test, she validates me, when i m with her, she always makes me feel gd about myself, as small a thing as tickling her with a song, or making her smile.or teaching her something new.

qinzhi came for me, to address and teach me about honoring myself. in supporting her n nurturing her, in making her feel secure n confident, in teaching her about life,i would in turn be fulfilled.

it is always a two way process
所以2011年,我想更多地投入沁芝,更好地分配工作,尝试work from home。不管是在奶妈家或自己家,我想

b with沁芝。

尝试之后再看看,是否有必要,做更极端的决定。

3)我喜欢的。
我喜欢瑜伽,喜欢专注地做动作,我觉得那种专注是很优美的。慢慢的,跟着肢体拉伸。旁无杂念。its also about giving time to myself.
2011年,我想更多地投入瑜伽,有时间去游泳,更多地到室外去。看看天空,被风吹,我想,那对我有好处。沁芝当然可以一起。

4)art
失联很久的美术,我再一次邂逅,爱上。
觉得这是很美妙的。通过绘画,学习了解内心,学习捕捉每一丝的情感,用颜色、粗细,化出来的情感。很有意思。再解说图画时,还有意想不到的新体悟,加深自己的了解。

5)expectations
今年对这个特别有了解。

自己要求的,未必是世界、他人能给予的。那时也无需失望。比如小时候,父母最好的选择是把我放在奶妈家,我的期待更高,但我也了解到,那已经是父母在当时能给我的最好的。虽然这样的安排造就了我一些个性上的缺点,但也无需埋怨,关键是努力自己的给予自己爱。

别人要求的,也未必是自己必须达到的。那时更不必气馁。也不代表自己很逊。一个人的价值不是由别人来衡量的。为什么要把自己的power放在别人的手里?口里?

我们只能让心保持稳定、自信,每一次都把握]拿捏分寸,并试图理解expectation背后的用心。明白每一个人都有各自的苦衷、局限。

6)累的学习
2010年,一直一直觉得疲累。 是疲惫。 过去十年积累的压力、劳累、疲惫趁着脆弱统统回来。 压抑过的。

累了要知道累了。
要允许自己累。 允许自己时间休息。 充电。

7)爱自己

陈彬雁,过去十年你辛苦了。

你委屈了。
但你始终不太懂得疼爱自己。确定、确信自己。honour自己做过的一切。 给自己credit。
一直以来,总觉得有比自己更迫切的事情要处理,总是把自己放在第二位。

是自己把自己给掉的。是自己不珍惜自己,不爱自己。
把自己允许给别人的。

2011,要学的就是这个。学习听自己,相信自己,确认自己,肯定自己。疼爱自己。
过去一旦有需要,总是往外找。但,终究不治本。 爱必须是自己给自己的。是往内找、自己给。

8)the purpose of life
是什么?我获得的答案是: to refine yourself, to be a better person.
今生做人,那是前世修来的福报和好姻缘,有了这个机会,真的要好好的把握,努力精进,多多地帮助自己也帮助他人。
那样,才能真正的shine。

这样的体会,是走过2010的心情和体认,我觉得自己还是有长进的,没有辜负过去的365天、也没有辜负过去的十年。
回头看一切,无怨也无悔,更要特别谢谢21世纪过去十年的生活历练和教导。

谢谢了。

很开心,可以跟你说bye bye。

祝福我的未来。健康,平安,幸福。

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弹琴

今天又是劳累的一天。昨天吃了一包中药之后,整夜不好睡。头痛得觉得憋。好像那药没有下到肚子里,哽在胸间。早上起来,糟糕的要命。好像有什么压住胸口,呼吸困难。只剩下半个我,有好多次,以为就把持不住了。
有很多次,想拿病假算了。 但我不甘心。 我觉得自己是可以应付的,我不想向它这么低头。
我只是一直注意着它,让自己的步伐慢下,观察它。了解它。在面对这样的劳累和疲惫的时候,心情是起伏不定的。
我尽量用mindfulness去recognize这种感觉, 注意到它之余,不参与,专注地投入当下的工作。于是,它好像不那么折腾了。
有时候却觉得很无助,恐惧——怎么无端端这个样子?会不会是身体里哪里出问题了?是不是身体给的一种信息?我害怕自己不及时的听它。
不能好好处理劳累和疲惫情绪的我,心情遭透。
有种被阻止的感觉。无法发挥。不能尽情。不能做我要的。我想的。有一种无力感。那时,觉得人,很脆弱。只能听命。 然后就想到沁芝了。
打开沁芝小时候的照片,觉得沁芝好优秀,是个眉清目秀的孩子。是个应该好好栽培的孩子。
老天赐的恩惠,应该好好珍惜。但我不够好。这个妈妈,做得不够好。
除了心里冒起句对不起,我问自己,还能给沁芝做什么?我能给沁芝的还有什么?
是身心健康的妈妈。还有很多很多。很多很多。真的很多很多。太多太多。 its whether u want or not, not
can or not. 搭电梯回家,在电梯里忍不住,哭了起来,那是一种很清楚的感觉——失望。 i m disappointed
with myself. yet, i feel so tied up both ends, neither here nor
there, it seems, neither at work totally nor m i a gd mother
totally. its interesting also, to find a few mothers feelings like
myself of late. yet we are so caught up by the realities of life,
we cant seem to let go of the $/benefits a job brings. so we allow
ourselves to continue to struggle betw work n family. we allow
ourselves, the key point is realised. 霎那间,突然明白了这劳累的原因。 对自己失望。
我觉得对自己的要求太高了,我要求自己做个好妈妈,也要求自己能在职场上像以前那样,无法达到别人的要求的时候,对自己失望。
是自己给自己的压力太大了。 而且关键是,不需要的。 因为关键不是搭不搭到的问题,fail expectation, so what?
关键是如何自在地、健康的,享受和拥有过程。totally b present in what i m doing。
回到家,看到琴,很想弹。弹着从小到大,唱给沁芝听的儿歌,abcdefg,baa baa black sheep, twinkle
twinkle little star, london bridge is falling down………
脑子里升起抱着小小的沁芝的画面,给沁芝喂奶的画面…… 弹着弹着,好像那键盘跑到心里,按摩着我的心,弹着弹着,心情就变好了。

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Joy

之一

今天在厕所碰到玉娇,她亲切地停下脚步和我在厕所聊了起来。她说,一直想找我吃饭,但约不到时间。聊啊聊,她给:瘦了点⋯⋯⋯⋯怎么了?然后我就想靠过去,她就给了我一个抱抱。

后来看到她眼眶也湿湿的。

这么久了,这么抱抱,好像把我的一些委屈也抱掉了,感觉真的好。

抱抱,和对的人抱抱,真好。

to be continued

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看韩剧《Sungkyunkwan Scandal》有感

1)教导儒生的老师提到梦想,然后说了句,不要辜负自己。我光是听“梦想”已觉得美妙。梦想很好,因为摆脱现实,容许可能。我的梦想是什么?才不会辜负自己的梦想是什么?

2)老师还说,真理在于提问而不在答案。

3)如果因为害怕转身的话,下次或许就不能再拿起弓箭了。

4)要是需要奇迹的话,我会创造出来。

5)我们不能选择父母,也不能选择出生,但有一件事我们可以选择,那就是今天将怎么过。

 

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Some words of wisdom

as loved by daddy
1) The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together.
>> They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge damaged.. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn’t cross the river. The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk.
“How can big disciple brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?” thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk
carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her.
All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk.
“How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite.”
The big monk looked surprised and said, “I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?”
>> This very old Chinese zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they
make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the “pretty lady” with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why?
Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the “pretty lady”. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, immediately after the unpleasant event is over.
This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over. It is just that simple.
2) The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, “There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs — millions of them. They croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!”
So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant  owner said, “Well… where are all the frogs?”
The farmer said, “I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond.
But they sure were making a lot of noise!”
Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it’s probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking?
Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.
3) The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing.
Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place for their outing.
During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the  picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home.
Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned.
The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years…six years… then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich.
At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, “SEE! I knew you wouldn’t wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.”
Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations.
We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don’t do anything ourselves.