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Confronting with Fear

i haven’t been feeling uneasily.

Granny has been going in and out of the hospital. It’s old age, and I think the body is degrading.

I have been putting off going to see her.

Because of fear. I fear coming face to face with the subject, of death. I do not know how to handle it. Because of the past that I have had. It seemed like I still do not know how to reconcile with the death of my loved ones even if it were more than 10 years back.

But today, i plucked up what little courage I had, to visit ah ma, my dear granny who is little in size but so strong in character all her life.

She single handedly brought up 10 children. My grandfather left her early.

But ah ma is so strong despite her small built. She was the one who came to my family and nurtured us when my mom passed away in illness.

She slept next to me. She made me dinner and ate with me. She said to me when i was weak: “be strong, treat it as if it were nothing.”

i have always always remembered her words when i felt weak. there was so much power in those seemingly easy words.

but now, i realise so much flavour in those few words, simply because they were extracted out of her hard life, or the very hardships that never thwart her,

ah ma was diagnosed with colon cancer a few years back, but she decided not to go for an op and she ‘s had a few more years till now.

i thought what boldness and character.

she’s not afraid of life, she’s not afraid of death.

i rem asking myself yesterday as i felt all the old energy dwell in me, because i couldn’t bring myself to see ah ma.

i rem looking at the sky, and thinking of some words i read:”if you do not know death, you do not know life.”

vice versa.

i read it in a book, The Tibetan Book of Dying. or something to that effect. that was when I was expecting hao.

And how true.

Today i finally plucked up enough courage to see ah ma.

I told my jittery self: create a new pathway and a new angle to this. i educated myself, that the fear was something old, and something i do not need now.

i can create another approach to this.

i just tried and i think i found a little light. Ah ma is old and frail, her voice has changed, and i felt just hurt looking at her.

But ah ma is so strong willed.

she’s taking it and i felt just dishonest and low and small not confronting her and just saying niceties.

opposite me, my dad was asking all the questions I wanted to know- what did the doc say? when can you head home? etc

i thought:”is this appropriate at all?”

but its honest.

and anytime better than me trying to put on a nice front.

ah ma is so strong, she ordered dad to go home, and us to go home. she says we have been working and dad’s been driving for a day and its hard work.

she’s pestering us to go for dinner. and she gets her way.

ah ma is the strongest woman i know, and it hurts me to see her.

dad held her hand when he left, and somehow that moment caught me,

i felt like going over to hug her, but i didn’t.

i said my goodbyes, but thought if there was a next time.

ah ma is such a warrior. she’s a fighter, to the end.

i love you ah ma, and i wish you well.

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Thank you for giving me a chance to confront my fear.

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Bangkok+Phuket2017 Favourite Moments

之一:喜欢曼谷的铁道市场Maek Long。

不光是因为有好多新鲜的看。有许多食材,我都看不懂,但光是看到看不懂,也觉得很幸福,觉得还有好多学习的空间。想继续挖掘。继续了解和探知。

我知道只要继续这么探知,就能丰富自己。

于是尝试很接近地面。去感受由下而上,由地表迸发出来的力量。

更喜欢这里的人很草根,不把困难当一回事。不把简陋破旧不完美当一回事。不厌其烦,每次火车来,就收拾,火车离开,再把帐篷、买卖摆出来。

日复一日。每日重复。

重复。

重复多么令人难受的啊。但是他们可以。那是多么了不起的力量。

老太太弯着腰,重复一日又一日。或许,重复也是一种幸福?

我看到他们的坚韧,不把困难当一回事。或者说,接受困难。接受困境、接受局限。与局限为伍,与局限生活。

创意地、踏实的、认真的、努力的。

之二:

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Was observing the sunset in Phuket’s Mai Khao Beach.

And i ask myself, what do I want?

I want to be the best that I can be. I asked what is the best of me?

And that is, an authentic honest me, truthful and direct

Me that is me.

To say things that I feel, to do things that I like.  Just that.

之三:

终于把书本送掉。

送到图书馆的书架。

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居然很不舍。

好像,给掉一部分的自己了。因为决定皓皓和沁芝就够了,所以觉得就这样。送掉一部分可以制造的自己。

我知道当下的心情是不舍,于是在书本上亲一亲,摸一摸。谢谢书本陪伴我,就在我怀孕的两次。感谢书本里的知识,给我养分,让我在期待孩子的期间,学习甚丰。

 

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Bangkok + Phuket 2017

终于有机会带姨姨婆婆出国。虽然只是去曼谷,但已经是很大的满足感。阿姨一向来不敢乘搭飞机,但两次出国都是和沁芝皓皓,都是mommy带的。

很希望她玩的开心。

这天,我们浩浩荡荡出发。沁芝特别的兴奋,自己准备行李。像是个大姐一样。

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出发前,让沁芝皓皓也有打电话给公公的习惯。

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上飞机了!皓皓说,他喜欢起飞的感觉。能够自己系上安全带,自己吃饭等等。好了不起。

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第一天,去了市场,看到这个,特别有感触,小时候我就是看着婆婆阿姨在巴刹买椰浆,然后回家煮面、卖面。

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曼谷的市场其实很干净,而且应有尽有。看得我眼花缭乱。第一天,收获甚丰。

然后晚餐。

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小瓜吵着回酒店,因为要泡泡。

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第二天上寺庙拜拜。

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最喜欢第三天,去了MaekLong Railway Market。

喜欢这里。真心喜欢。走在铁道上,很有感动。

感动的是火车来,摊贩便收起买卖,拉起帐篷。火车走了,再把帐篷拉下,然后继续摆摊。

每天如此,每天不只一次如此。

能够收放自如的人生。

能屈能伸的人生。反正有空间的地方,就能存活,就能有办法,就能有机会。

我很喜欢这里。喜欢那股切切实实,老老实实,实实在在的力量,我可以感觉到我的心都被撼动了。

才知道,原来限制,不过是没有什么了不起的东西,如果你不屈服,限制,一切的限制,仅仅能够让人发挥至极,让人想尽办法尝试开拓拉伸,然后,创意的突破。

喜欢这里的人不把这一切当作一回事。不在乎狭窄,不在乎局限,不在乎日复一日去重复这样的人生。

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之后去了水上市场以及mahachai市场。

一条河,是生活也是清洗,是过渡也是渡人

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隔日让孩子去kidzania,然后便回新。

隔天,带小瓜去普吉岛。这里是daddy mommy拍拖时经常去的度假胜地,这次去,惊觉普吉岛已经多了一座新的飞机场,变化好大。

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我们去了Anantara度假村,这里位于机场以北大约15分钟的Mai Khao海滩。

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早上,让沁芝皓皓喂小鸭子小鱼儿,然后去沙滩玩沙冲浪。

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小瓜不亦乐乎,根本不想离开。

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每天,重复着早餐、喂鸭子、玩沙冲浪,午餐,到别墅的游泳池嬉水,晚餐。

只是我们四口子。

简简单单。

恬静、幸福。

傍晚,daddy带我们去看日落,让小瓜荡荡秋千。

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这应该是沁芝的第一个日落。好美丽。

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短短几天,小瓜画画涂涂,度过精彩愉快的假期。

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没想过沁芝皓皓如此喜欢度假村,下次还要去。我听了,要多加努力,让皓皓沁芝每一个假期都能出国去。

问阿姨,还要不要去曼谷,她说要。

我要加油!

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找回自己的power

不小心看到这个。

我好像忘了印度的magic了。

It will be. I will work hard to be the best version of TPY.

随从的心,就是为了让你知道,你可以做回自己。做回那个公主。

重新告诉自己,你可以的,完全可以做回自己那个自己。完全可以。只要你allow。

想想,你在印度接触到什么是你喜欢的?慢慢地在生命中把它带回来。

找回自己的power。

因为那个是任何人怎么也带不走的。

—-我会努力的。

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Thank you 2016, and Goodbye

2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose.

And following that.

it is about being open minded enough to be able to hear and touch one’s life purpose and savouring the beauty of it.

when I think of how its writing that brought me here, to do the things I have, I find it unbelievable.

like how I have expanded my repertoire to be involved with seeing concepts as well.

like so much inner work that has gone through.

2016 has about discovering myself and the limitless possibilities that can be. as if a baby flexing his limbs and has just begun to crawl.

Thank You 2016,  you have been so important as my teacher.

I tried so many new things, I left a job of 15 years, I joined a new place, I took part in a retreat, I did FB Live with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, I created Friend of Michelin concept, I worked with Nicholas Tse, I learnt about holding a process.

I learned to work with myself and new people, I learned to work with my family and my husband, I learned about balancing. And is still learning to do that better.

It has been nothing short of incredible.

I remember telling Teacher, that going forward, I want to create more videos, and do more concepts, that would create a spark, a moment of wonder, a sense of dicovery in another’s life.

May the divine guide and support me on all fronts.

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I celebrate you,  TPY, you who has triumphed the big and little, on all fronts on all counts, once and again. You who have drawn out energy from the deepest once and again. You who believed in yourself and you who didnt give up. You who tried so hard without compromise. You pure and simple. So, well done!
May the brand new 2017 bring with it lots of fresh energies, lots of inspirations, to support big and little breakthroughs. With awareness, we can break free of our old shells, attitudes and share our innermost light with the human race. May there be lots of light, beauty, magic and wonder in the days ahead. May we all be blessed and protected, with wisdom.

I want to be that light, that magic and wonder. I want to b free. may you be free.

May you be well and happy.

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Happy 2017!

 

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Healing XXXXii

Before 2016 ends off, I went for another insightful mind spa session.

Inspired by a colleague’s words, I wanted a closure to 2016.

I shared with Teacher how this year has been and how I have been looking for a team.

I remembered that experience talking to M, CY n Cherry. All with different years of experience and each sort of a reflection of me, at a different point in time.

As if reminding me not to lose my passion n that me in work.

I talked about M, and how she stands for responsibility.

I talked about CY n I got touched.

I’ve become more aware of my emotions, I stilled myself to listen to it, I sat with the emotions n teacher asked, what is it about CY that evoked the emotion?

It’s that sense of purity, simplicity n straightforwardness.

And teacher rightly pointed this, ” Yen , u r afraid of losing that part of u. But we grow, look at how far u have come along, our soul evolves and you r set for bigger things. I can see it already.”

I told him about how I have evolved to do concept selling or a salesman of sorts n I m taking this open mindedly. And that I m always balancing commercial situations with an educational angle.

But this is one of the most commercial situations I have worked with in my life since 10-15 years back when we had a financial situation at home.

Obviously I didn’t learn all that I had to, so circumstances have evolved to get me to face issues I needed to breakthrough.

I told him about the dream I have yesterday.

Are dreams accidental?

“Nope. Dreams are messages that are important.”

In my dream, I went into a temple of tablets with2 friends. Both of them disappeared n I was left alone, breaking thru doors n doors of tablets before emerging into light n seeing my friend. She is Yiling and she squeezed my hand, as if a nod to our friendship.

Teacher asked about the most obvious quality of my friend.

I said: “she is so obstinate so so so steadfast.”

He decoded the dream for me.

That a part of myself, the obstinate character in me is in need of some attention.

And tablets – the environment, was about things that have gone past.

“Are you holding on to things that do not serve you and your life anymore? Time to let them go.”

We spoke about my attitudes towards working. Such as me being fixated with judgements on money, commercialisation n how I should b creative totally and not be commercialized.

“But there’s nothing wrong with money. Or commercializing something. If u remember the movie Matrix, you would know what I mean. Matrix is such a deep movie but the creators were able to bring the ideas down to the mass levels so that people of the commons could access the deeper ideas. And I find it so amazing that the movie could combine such lofty ideas with commercial success.”

The inspiration is to break free n not approach anything with judgements. So that I can b totally free in the mind and heart.

Teacher reminded again, “there’s nothing wrong in commercializations but the intention behind it.”

The inspiration is again, intention n what you want to do. It’s also learning to bring yourself down to the level of the masses.

Teacher also mentioned the term ancestral healing.

“A lot of times, traits we carry are an inheritance from our ancestors…”

And I shared how my maternal grandfather was often billed as stingy or how calculative he would be as a businessman n everything is reduced to cents that cannot be compromised.

And I met this match in my new environment- my boss, who is a reflection of grandfather ‘s traits.”

“Learn to work n heal this energy . That would heal your ancestors n your next generation. Learn to make a change that will make a difference .”

I realized that opening my heart n a really open attitude n awareness is what will be crucial n helpful to making a difference.

I realized also that by having balances to commercial initiatives is a way my soul is creatively addressing this issue.

Teacher encouraged me to give a little wrap — and it wasn’t easy.

“it was this ups and downs, very intense ones, and then a straight line. I m happy to be here now, with the straight line. recently I had a swollen gum and a raw throat, and I suddenly began to enjoy a simple bowl of rice porridge. I had cut down on food and animal protein this year and if I had it, it would be too much for me to take.

I m happy to be here at this point in time.

But it was as if I had done nothing, everything was surreal and, unbelievable. 不可思议。我好像什么都没有做。一切来的那么容易。Everything came naturally. I didn’t do anything, I was just a passerby. And I happened to experience it. ”

The Divine had a hand in this.

But also I discovered something I did differently. In the ups and downs, I gave my presence to that moment, so when things passed, so did I. I was able to let it go easily. I didn’t hang on.

It was different from the past, when I was blocked and didn’t face up to the moments, and would have to relive those afterwards.

And teacher let out his angel cards for me.

“like how you mentioned the divine’s hand…let the divine do this too!”

and the spiritual quality I drew out was

Forgiveness.

I told him about hearing about my friend’s unhappy marital relationships and how I was reminded of my dad n mom.

Forgiveness.

The divine was spot on, it would be my learning for 2017, to learn to let go n forgive, dad n me.

“your dad didn’t have the awareness and wisdom like u have, he didn’t have the opportunity like u have. he ‘s almost acting under the influences of all he had before him. and although I do not know him, I know he did it for the family and he is feeling so so so so sorry about it”

I could feel how so so so so sorry my dad is in those moments and I told teacher that.

I asked for another card. and teacher suggested, “how about another quality that would support your finding forgiveness?”

I got Expansiveness.

Open mindedness, to distill yourself out of the environment you are in, and look at it from the outside. I m reminded of this realisation that dawned upon me as I was what sapping Xie YM.

置身其中,也要有置身其外的心情。

I also told teacher, I feel like I m looking for something, even if I have formed a core team at work.

Teacher felt that too.

I told him about the lack of support I felt in work.

To which he replied,” the real sense of support would be felt if one’s purpose is aligned to the core. Nothing very much to do with the external environment really.”

And today, miraculously, I knew what I was looking for.

IT WAS BF’S SUPPORT.

I’ve aways had this sense of worry or uncertainty about bf’s feelings towards me working.

I finally popped the qns today and we had a discussion.

I had a sense that I had some, but not total unconditional support.

good enough for the time being I guess.

I m grateful.

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Teacher reminded me about the importance of self care.

“remember to have your bowl of porridge, thats a time for you to rest n settle and to recharge so that you can have your ideas when u need.”

 

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Friend of Michelin 米其林之友

https://guide.michelin.com.hk/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin

I saw this first as a thought, like a seed of sorts. Then with some imagination, little expectation, I made contact. And today, he’s become a Friend of Michelin, the first ever in history since the guide has come into being. Sharing this dream project with all of you foodies. And I say again, that this magic food can do, has to be savoured with loved ones. They make good food, unforgettable. And when the act of eating becomes an experience, they will forever be stored as memories. 謝霆鋒《鋒味》 FriendofMichelin #米芝蓮之友 MichelinGuideHongKongMacau2017 #yenmuzremember