Goodbye 2018

Is it 31 Dec already? I didn’t think I have digested everything that 2018 brought me as yet and time is moving on.

As always.

The end of 2018 brought me quite a bit at the last bit——–Lots of everything in life that would have you sit up and stand on your toes. Qinzhi’s seizure was shocking and a big awakening for me. Pretty much like a tsunami that rocked my world. The ishinomaki trip sort of made sense now.

Its a big lesson I received and I believe——-my and my family’s collective doing that brought this to fruition. All of us had a part to play to ring this in this direction. But I believe this is what I and my family need to work on collectively so we can all go to the next level. Together and in unison.

We were not united enough. Our thoughts were not together as a family. The binding was not there.

I looked back at my Goodbye 2017 post, I recounted what I tried my hands on and what I wanted to do in 2018. I said this—-

“In the new 2018 that has just birthed, I would like to:

  1. spend more time with my family, my kids, my husband
  2. spend more time with myself
  3. be more healthy
  4. heal my keloids
  5. sleep earlier
  6. do less work
  7. do more holidays with my precious ones!
  8. do 5 min of practice a day
  9. learn to be still , to be quiet
  10. get more creative, intuitive,
  11. be more in touch with myself
  12. do videos that make a difference, write or say things that would inspire, hence express my light and that of others, and be the magic to people around me.
  13. work on a tv programme!
  14. keep that wonder, that purity in me.
  15. 我想学习过得自在一点,老师说,生活其实不需要那么辛苦的,只是,很多的约定俗成和旧有模式,让我们疲惫疲累。其实,生活是可以很轻松的。我想学!

Did I achieve the above?

Maybe half of those came true. Was 2018 kind to me? Actually very much so.

I travelled and visited many places, had the privilege to interview and got in touch with many wonderful people. I saw their magic, captured their magic and got them out on videos for the world. It was magical and magic time and again I witnessed and experienced. Thru out it all, I remained true and did not lose myself. I maintained to be me.

I spent great effort at work and invested heavily in getting to know myself better. I imbued my learning and development into my work and created works that had insight and meaning.

But if I could do anything better, I should have put in more for my family. Both quantity and quality wise. I came home to cook for my family and had dinner with them every night. I read storybooks and we chatted at bedtime.

To capture 2018’s magic and lessons would be rounding these points below.

  1. The meaning of life and its purpose. If we are aligned to our life purpose, things flow. For me, the meaning and purpose of life, is to be true and to say it as it is. Like a mirror, nothing more and not less.
  2. Life is transient and impermanent.
  3. What is to listen? How do you listen to another’s soul?
  4. What is to love? What is love if it causes hurt? And if you do not know about loving yourself—-how do you love another?
  5. To be gentle with yourself. Only then can you be gentle to others.
  6. All change with substance comes from within.
  7. What is to trust the process or the divine? How do you apply this understanding to the process?
  8. What is to let go?
  9. What is to offer your presence? And especially, what does it mean to offer your presence to your loved ones?
  10. What is putting others before you?
  11. What is giving when you are not giving to yourself ?
  12. Some things in life cannot be undone.
  13. Old practices, methods, pathways, attitudes, modes have been exhausted and new ones are in need.
  14. No matter what, be grounded be humble be gentle. Our opinions are not the most important.
  15. Learn from children, they are our teachers.
  16. Transform. Transform, TRANSFORM. Use every opportunity to practice this.
  17. Awareness is of utmost importance. Continue to work on Mindfulness.
  18. Imprints. There are too many imprints in each and everyone of us. We live in our reality projected from these lived past that we do not have enough awareness about and reacts from these past circumstances.
  19. Healing and breaking through to stop repeating cycles.

In spite of it all, I am immensely thankful and in awe of 2018 and its teachings. If I ever veered off, all of the teachings above helped set priorities in place, humbling you in the process of it all and calling out a deepest reverence for life and to honour and believe its processes.

And with this, with the brand new 2019, I sincerely ask for courage, patience, wisdom, creativity and a solid good heart of gold filled with a lot of love, that will be with me every moment of the way, so as to support me in arriving at novel and never before perspectives, create new attitudes and habits, creative modes and a new order or new systems that will provide a safe nurturing loving space for everyone to co-create and experience freedom———-so as to express their light. And in there, realise the magic they are.

May we be always always protected, healed, helped and richly blessed and guided by our light, by our guardian angels and the divine.

Thank you for all you have brought me 2018. As I read my previous posts, I get inspirations all over again—- such as:

-Every step is a step forwards,

-We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices. When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck.

-calm mind: The dalai lama says that inner peace n calm is the key to a healthy body. He drew a parallel between calmness immunity. If u r calm n had this inner peace, nothing could rock u however big or small.

– life is more of an improvisation than it is like a play whose lines have already been written, whose end is already known. Like an improviser, we have choices to make and the more we embrace the illusionary quality of the performance, the lighter we can be on the planet, on others, and on ourselves.

-When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise. We can also cultivate this awareness in ourselves gently, by simply making surrender a daily practice. At the end of our meditation, we might bow, saying, “I surrender to this life.” We can give in to our fear and anxiety, or we can surrender to this great mystery with courage.

It is our response to those circumstances that will dictate the nature of our experiences. At the heart of every transformation, no matter how chaotic, there is substance. When we no longer resist change and instead regard it as an opportunity to grow, we find that we are far from helpless in the face of it. Our role as masters of our own destinies is cemented when we choose to make change work in our favor. Yet before we can truly internalize this power, we must accept that we cannot hide from the changes taking place all around us. To make change work for you, look constructively at your situation and ask yourself how you can benefit from the transformation that has taken place. As threatening as change can seem, it is often a sign that a new era of your life has begun. If you reevaluate your plans and goals in the days or weeks following a major change, you will discover that you can adapt your ambition to the circumstances before you and even capitalize on these changes. Optimism, enthusiasm, and flexibility will aid you greatly 

As we move towards a new beginning, I give thanks for the opportunity to welcome this new dawn and the times it will bring me.

I have no doubt that this in itself is already a blessing. We have to do our best to make good this opportunity. Breathe well, eat well, keep well, feel well be well. And use every opportunity to practise the dharma and its teachings.

I thank all my guardian angels who have helped me reach here, including my teacher who has always listened and supported with kind advice.

May all sentient beings be well and happy. May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes. May all sentient beings be free from suffering and its causes. May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrow less bliss. May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, be free from anger, hatred and share compassion for all other beings.

May the new beginning inspire us with lots of light and love. Let there be creativity, open mindedness, magnanimity, flexibility, optimism, may we all have boundless courage to pursue what we believe in, may there be favourable conditions to support our healing and development. May we all experience pure joy, wonder, freedom, happiness, wherever you are. May 2019 be magic.


Understanding This



以前的几乎每一个blog entry,都是写给沁芝的。有了沁芝以后,我什么都告诉她。就像是我内心的朋友,什么都要跟沁芝说。包括自己最不堪不安的一面,都要老实禀报。我的喜怒哀乐。我的痛苦挑战。blog里头有生命最甜美的小事,也有和daddy意见不合的投诉种种。全部都让沁芝知道。



然后呢?每天的每天当中,失去了对这些承诺的把握。慢慢的,失去了自己的想法执着。割舍掉和沁芝的时间。我看到了我的自私, 我重视自己多于选择为沁芝好的选择。比如我选择工作,由姨姨婆婆照顾沁芝。我可以理解,这是因为我自己的童年使然。我的童年在奶妈家,没有妈妈的日子里成长,不晓得有妈妈的样子。沁芝就是在教我,唤醒我的这一点。w

我看到我写,“Dear Qinzhi,Do not forget how special u r. When u were as young as 26 mths n attended kindermusik , u were always non conforming like other children. You would not sit with mummy or daddy whilst other children did. You always had a mind of your mind. Bravely go for what you want. What do you want? Remember not to give those up easily, because you r so so special.”


2010年我生日,“今年最好的一份礼物就是沁芝叫:“妈妈”。ah hui阿姨说,沁芝前一天才会叫的。




真相就是这样。尽管沁芝给我带来那么多,我给的还是不够。这一年来,沁芝每天都写我爱你的纸条和卡片—Mommy I Love You。非常非常非常非常渴望得到我的注意和疼爱。我都没有听到她的声音。













May the divine and my guardian angels, support me greatly and guide me each and every step of the way. May we all receive healing and love, May the creative spark be always with me to intuitively create new possibilities and a new tender loving energy. For myself, my kids, my family and the world.

And one more thing———–Be happy! Because all this, life, is so precious.


Healing XXXXXv

Teacher specially made time for me even if it were a last minute call to him. And I understood why. I cannot say how miraculous it was but he told me it was because he had been through my path.

His daughter suffered from epilepsy at 4, he quit his job and went on to discover for himself all sorts of healing methods he could apply for his precious one. He says, “My daughter is my teacher and the reason why I m here today. In this healing practice, because as I worked on her, i discovered and began to work this on more people. She had a big attack at age 4, then alls good for one year. Then another one one year later, then it became more frequent. But the medication had a lot of side effects so i took a bolder way, she did not use medications, but by age 8 she was doing well and now she’s recovered.”


I have seen him for 55 sessions, is that the reason why I have been seeing him.

Like a bigger hand that has a plan and is guiding me to it? Or, was I the planner——-How did everything get its place? How did i come to this position, or how did my family members and love ones find theirs in the now?

We approach not knowing.

I told teacher about Qinzhi’s seizure, and the big one she had on 27th December when we were holidaying. She woke up really angry and having mood swings. I handed her ningxia red and got her to drink, and she got really sore and let out, “why every morning like that?”

We asked her about this. Like what? we probed. Her brother was clearer, “Mommy, you always ask us what we want, but in the end, you gave us what you want.” But Qinzhi chose to keep quiet. She didn’t say or couldn’t say. She was struggling emotionally and she could not handle and the big seizure happened. I find her at the toilet dazed and not responding. We carried her to the bed. She vomitted out all the things she drank and remained to have impaired awareness not responding to us. Her dad cried and she could still wipe a tear off his face. But still remains in her world. I did not find this right and he carried her down and we drove sent her to the nearest hospital 20 min away. In the car, we kept rubbing her toes and talking to her, i sprayed mist on her and she responded, her hair fell and she responded. But she just did not say.

Did not say anything. Pinched her and got her round, she said ouch and gradually came to. But was afraid knowing we are sending her to hospital.

I told teacher about all this.

I told teacher Qinzhi was what Daddy and myself had after a 10 year relationship , after mom, uncle, his mom, passed away all in a very dramatic way. Through those years, we were together learning to patch our life back using what little mindfulness we had, we fumbled and made our way—on hindsight, really with blessings from above. Then we applied and got our house, and planned for marriage, that was when we discovered we had Qinzhi, after a korea trip —-some 5 months before before the day we were suppose to get married.

With a marriage certificate.

I was fixated on steps. I was educated to. You had to do this before you do that. You had to follow this and definitely DO something before you could arrive at that.

You had to get a marriage certificate before you are legally married and have a baby.

It was societal. If you did not follow, you were sort of the lesser crowd. AT that time. Also my tribe was big, my extended family was a big one and everyone was about getting things right. If not it was frowned upon and discussed on the side. If not, you risk the criticism and disfavour of grandmother.

It was like that.

And I had been a good student obeying all the rules all the while.

Only this time.

Yet Qinzhi is letting me discover the wonder of joy and magic in life. Of a blossoming. Of all the little and big things in life. Qinzhi led me on to wonders after wonders, morphing me into completeness along the way.

Now i look back, it was after giving birth to Qinzhi, that i started my healing journey. I blossomed I morphed.

But i was not able to cross that point when i conceived, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, i didnt knew how to take this news, Mom was already not here then. It was my nanny who knew first and started cooking for me.

Teacher listened and said, “So now can you already accept this?”

I honestly still feel that I have not resolved this, logically it looks really silly how these norms and watertight rules should override the precious magic of life. Silly, laughable, ignorance.

But truly i was under the spell of this.

And now I m writing, perhaps this was my way of rejecting or refusing and rebutting of those “norms” I was subconsciously not agreeable to. I wanted to challenge those. So I went against the tide having Qinzhi.

Teacher says, “Qinzhi can feel all this. Being not welcomed enough. For beings who feel this way, they become closed up in their own system and their own world. Like a defence mechanism.”

I asked what I can do about this.

Strangely I been having this feeling about reading my blog to her. When I discovered my pregnancy.

Teacher suggested this method called metamorphosis. Its putting your hands into a butterfly shape, recounting the time i was pregnant and moving and working with the pulsations at the points the fingers connected. Working on this for 10 days, 1 day represents one month.

Very nicely, he says that I can let him know when i start so he can support me.

I told him, Qinzhi has been a guiding teacher in my life. She kickstarted me to adulthood and my learning journey as a person. When I had panic attacks, and had to bring her to the music lessons, it was her hand that held on to mine to give me energy. But now, her hands are cold and limp. Her hands were always warm and full of energy. But in return for giving, we scolded her badly.

We gave her what she didnt want. We gave her what we want. We did not listen to her. We did not hear. We did not take heed and take care of her. We could not appreciate her heart and the voice there. We did not respond to her. Her pleas or her refusals to follow us. She just continued to take that. We did not see her at all. And now in her seizures she doesn’t listen or respond to us.


Teacher explained Qinzhi’s epilepsy to me, “because she said and you did not take heed, you did not hear. So Qinzhi has chosen this path to make you listen.”

“She has chosen this pathway to subject herself to this to make you sit up and listen. You can not ignore this or subject her to hurt anymore. Help her find her light and become the light and wonder she wants. Not what you want.”

Teacher also cautioned us on a few things. That when the seizure happened, adults are in shock too.

“And so we need to take cake of this as well. When adults are worried about the next attack—-you portray and create an energy field and more often then not, it leads to the subsequent attacks.”

“We have to be very mindful about this and there are things we can do.”

“Turning eyeballs. Rightwards 3 times and leftwards many times. Rightwards you times, imagine yourself in a time machine, and pushing a button gets you back in time to the time the seizure happens. When you are there, the eyeballs go leftwards. To release the energy of the incident.

Be creative about this. You can change things by changing or breaking the energy pattern in the fifth dimension. Now that you are in a safe position and turning your eyeballs leftwards, you can see clearly the situation then. How would you react? Visualise and use your imagination. Would you react the same way? Or would you give Qinzhi a gentle hug? You will see her eyes shine. Or if your husband and son is there, all of you can hug her. Doing this is creating a new pattern a new energy and this will impact the energy now and here.”


There is a lot of comfort you find in —-being able to address something which has passed. Like the least and at the same time the most you can do.

Teacher also taught about the helpfulness on massaging the spine to remove blockages in there which could affect clarity and our nervous system.

Teacher also cautioned us that we should not quarrel in front of kids because they do not know how to handle and process. “Like Qinzhi says, when she’s going to have seizure she feels like she cannot handle it. Kids cannot handle. So you and and your husband has to have a contract, how do you handle or manage differences? You have to sort that out. But NO—not infront of kids.”

“For every child, he or she looks for a nurturing mother and a protective father. When you had panic attacks, you had to be away, Qinzhi has to find protection in her father too to establish close relationships with you, and subsequently this will affect her as she starts to establish her relationship with the world.”

He also encourages us to look deep within —-in fact the first step would be exploring and putting in place and moulding our relationship as husband and wife, to achieve to sense of deeper bonding and understanding, a better cohesion of our relationship and changing things from within before we can address and make changes to our relationship with Qinzhi.

I told Teacher that I was trying to digest this along the way.

That day in Tasmania, it was winter solstice. That day i saw a FB post on one of my friend’s page and it read—-Read that Winter Solstice is a reminder to let everything go and begin again. Not just on 22 Dec but on any given day, any given moment. Winter Solstice is both the darkest day and the return of light. It is when things are darkest that light is about to return. It is the deepest part of night that the new day begins.

How poetic how right. No wonder the old folks always say, winter solstice is like the new year and we have the tradition of eating tangyuan or circle shaped dumplings on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Everyday in Tasmania, we drove past majestic mountains and land masses which opened up to the sun. That winter solstice day in Tasmania, as the kids slept in the car, I looked at the sheer vastness, the mountains the trees the openness and the tears just flow.

Life is so big.

The understanding is a bit different now. Its not that of having to succumb but that of reverence, respect and a humbling that comes with this new understanding of life that sent these tears of appreciation. It’s realisation and perception, a very powerful one. Seeing this allows you to put alot of things in pespective and to trust the process. Its not letting go but trusting the work and the underlying hand. And that’s when we can rest with the flow, ride with it and COCREATE.

I also thought about transformation. And using this as an opportunity to change and alter deep seated arrangements and practices, melting away things thoughts attitudes feelings emotions ways of life that do not work anymore.

Seeing this is amazing, its the practice that Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche has put in place these few years.

I also see the transient nature of life. In our last session, I remember telling Teacher that we can prepare for certain things. But apparently, not at much as we would like to.

I have never felt life so precious in a long while. Or appreciate its fleeting nature so greatly. The last was probably mom’s, uncle’s, auntie’s death as it loomed.

We forgot about appreciating the idea of impermanence in life, even if it was so true so real.

And I shared with Teacher that I also see this as a blossom or a ripening of sorts. That when conditions are present, or ripe, a fruit and flower blossoms. And learning to embrace this and letting down our preconceived notions about what should or should not why this and why not.

More importantly, the change has to come from within. He says, “For Qinzhi who is closed up, how do you breakthrough that? You have to address the close systems within you, you have to open up and change within yourself your old ways, so that she can see this happening to you to inspire her change and transformation.”

Teacher also shared about sharing important information with kids when they are most relaxed. That is when you are about to drift into sleep and the subconscious mind comes up to receive information. Understanding this can let us better use this precious time to transmit and send information to our kids.

“Look at this positively, and you can use this opportunity to transform.”

I asked Teacher how do i say goodbye to 2018?

He thought for a while, “by letting everything go back to Mother Earth, this grounding sense of energy, and renewing with her in her presence. When you let go, there is renewing of energy.”

And welcoming the new 2019?

“Welcoming Qinzhi back into your life and welcoming 2019 can be in tandem. If I were you, I will give her a big hug and say to her, how how how precious she is to you and the family.”

I told Teacher, if this is the time I should stop my work and come back to my family, it seemed to be the thing to do, to make myself feel better. But i also thought i want to put up a fight for this, to continue my work but adjust my time so that i show up for my kids at home when they are back from school. Teacher ‘s advice is, “Your work is your life, its how you concrete and gets inspired by life and inspire. I certainly do not see that quitting is the appropriate thing to do. But SURELY, showing up and listening to your kids and seeing who they are and changing within you to break down old systems and modes.”

I cannot say how powerful this teaching —-this teaching of life is. The work i have done in my professional field has been preparing for me to address my own. When i offer myself to the interview, to the newsmaker, to the chefs, i listen intently and with all of my heart. And I find out their light and put it in videos.

But I haven’t really offered my presence to my Qinzhi, the one who has taught me so much and kickstarted my healing journey to understanding life.

How can my works be sincere if I do not show up for Qinzhi and listen to her being.

And all these healing sessions, these 55 sessions of them, is truly powerful because I unlocked so much and found so many messages that gave me deep insightful understanding of how life works.

Most of all, teacher taught me about listening and offering his presence to me. Or to my soul development. And I think this is truly truly valuable truly precious. He taught by way of example. And I m very inspired to take the cue and do this for my Qinzhi.

To myself and my life, to truly listen to voices and let it shine.

Om ma ne pad me hum.


Healing XXXXXiv

The opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to say out voices from the heart. 

Not only mine but also my interviewees. It’s finding my own voice and then finding out others because life is resonance.

I only figured it out after I have been in media for like 19 years.

To which Teacher says, “ this is the gift from your mother”.

I was confused.

It was hard to swallow. I know we complete others and ourselves.

But knowing it now, it feels like in a movie of sorts and you now know the truth —— which you have been in all this while, living this truth while not knowing it.

Like all planned for by Mom or a bigger hand but . But no.

Because any point in time, I would have turned out any other way. But I did not.

“You expressed what your mother did not. Maybe she was really like you too but she couldn’t find her voice nor say it out. You did it for her.

This is healing.”

More than anything , it was teacher’s sense of accomplishment that let me realize how good this is

I thought of my daughter. When bf is ride to me, I would habitually take it down, like my mother would. But Qinzhi would bite back to defend me.

Teacher said, “honor her. This needs to be.”

I specially went to see teacher before I left. I wanted a roundup of sorts.

My classmate had passed away. And when I heard the news, I felt like I knew that feeling I felt. 

I was frozen like how I felt when mom, uncle auntie, passed away. People I knew seemed to go suddenly.

The difference was—— I knew I m frozen.

The awareness like Tsoknyi Rinpoche says—- about the imprints that are left in our lives, is good to help me breakthrough.

Those few days I felt like there was a lot going on in the subconscious body. Lots of things popping up. Unsteady feelings, fear negativity…,

I told teacher —— there is no more once one is dead.

He reminded me about how we discussed the soul moving on for betterment. The journey continues at the soul level.

I knew this. I told teacher I knew. Because with India with Khadro-la, I experienced the length of time. And you just knew. 

But more than not, we would use our mundane humane consciousness to understand it at our level.

Of this journeying of the soul, He says,“ it is about going home. Or going to where we came from. We r light bodies and for some reasons, we fell from that state and become what we are. And everything we do has no right or wrong but is our way of navigating towards the way back—- to the style light beings.”

I was rather fascinated by this theory. I haven’t thought through yet but it seems to hold some promise.

I said that even if I knew the soul continues a journey after a lifetime , we would use our limited knowledge and wisdom to understand death. Even if deep down we knew the soul progresses , it’s not the same to embrace this.

Teacher asked me why I m so affected by my classmate ‘s passing. He stresses that each time we talk abt smtg, the emphasis is on why this something hit us, rather than the story itself.

I said it is because of its suddenness. The realness or reality about life is how subtle it can be and I have seen it go so easily more than once. 

So many locked up emotions in me. And until I said my goodbye to my friend, did I feel better.

But the way this affected me—- was a little bit more —- like waking me up to say- hey it’s time to get serious.

No more pushing away or closing an eye.

I said that of course we could try n cushion this , like preparing or allocating resources doing a will so that when it stops somewhere, there is at least little things that people can hang on to 

But as I was saying this—- no, life really can slip away to nothingness.

I guess it is a sense of control you are losing and understanding that from the outset like you can not control birth, neither do you have a handle over death

Smtg bigger than yourself you have no way over and learning to see that no matter how you have tried to master , you go with the flow

It also is about appreciating life and making the best out of this opportunity 

Which begs the question—- what is the meaning or purpose of life? 

I told teacher life is precious because of the life it brings. Such such precious opportunity.

I have read that it takes a lot to become a human and now we have. We HAVE!

We CAN do things we CAN contribute we CAN change the world we CAN do so so so many things 

Life is so big it’s humbling

We are so small yet we CAN change n make things better

The big n little of it——— is just unfathomable and amazing

I told teacher my understanding of life is that we are given an opportunity to right wrongs or pursue yet again smtg we could do better. Like when I gave birth to my second child, did all the things I did not do right or the way I liked

I said I like to interpret it once more. And the practice all these years———would be for me—— to learn to speak out (I rem I was a reporter and I didn’t dare ask qns in the beginning) it was learning to find my voice and acknowledge its importance

Then I did not dare to ask questions I was quiet n timid

I did not feel like my question mattered 

Then it was writing food reviews and questioning if my opinions mattered

then it became learning to express or speak the truth, confronting my father and myself 

and then afterwards———-learning to speak with heart and from the heart.

To tell a real story that reflects another’s life another’s heart and soul

Each time I could find a way out on my own, I could go to the next level and I saw it in my work

It matters to me a great deal. And in the process I get to work with my inner self too. And gets pushed in the direction to look in-depth within me

Coincidentally a few days later I had the chance to visit saint pierre n once I sat down I saw a note from chef —— that says out everything I prob need to say.

“creating food to b enjoyed savoured and loved has been my calling. Finding the path to remain grounded and true to my mission has been my quest. My training is deeply seated in the flawless flow of harmonious energy which has inculcated in me an intuitive acknowledgement that our surrounding karma is the resultant action of our own making…..”

And ends with “ from my heart to your table”

I could almost change it to become

“From my heart to your iPhone” now that people consume the videos I make on iphones 

Shared this with teacher and he says, “ why are you touched?”

I say “The short note the chef puts on the table haha is like summarizing what I did!”

For me.

All these years, the people I met the stories I do tend to say out for me my values my emotions my heart my life

Like a mirror 

Like an echo from my heart which found a way back to me

Before I left, teacher encouraged me to celebrate myself and my achievements. To honour myself

“It is v important to honour the things you have done. You have been one of the very few who has have the awareness to work within and with yourself to achieve breakthroughs. And you manifest these in your life. 

Your stories touch always and that is the your style. I look at them when you share them with me. “

And the best he says is he wanted to share them further.

This is great support and encouragement to me. Coming from teacher. He probably saw that I need the affirmation.



I try to work with myself whenever I have the chance 








我回忆起外公公公、外婆、舅舅、姨妈、妈妈、ah kiat去世时的突然,尝试和那些惊悚的片刻交流。


所以不用被这些套牢,可以释放。可以呼吸。I tried to breathe to let go off the trauma. And to acknowledge it





I have been living up to my mother’s expectations and did way beyond but it doesn’t mean anytime me even if I have excelled

But when I write a good story I know

That is the satisfaction,  nourishment.

I want to stop that old me and spend energy with the latter to say out voices from the heart

Real raw voices that has been really experienced but only had a place in the heart

But it shouldn’t just be 

A lot of voices can find resonance and an echo

Life is so big there’s space for these voices

They needn’t be kept down 

And I know that Qinzhi will have a similar love of her life that does not require my expectations 

She should be free from it from me and the sooner the better

She has to fly and fly I did 

That day I interviewed a young three star chef, I was touched. 

He had been the second in command but now he’s got three stars. He seems too young for his claim to fame and he has not displayed convincing enough stature a chef would have. He says he isn’t afraid of difficulty. 

Because he now has an opportunity and he just wants to make the best he can out of it.

So he is not afraid of challenge nor difficulty. I was touched and I knew why.

Because I m like this too.

When the door opened for me here, I displayed this mentality whether it was as little as an interview, a video project or something as big as sales.

So I was really touched. Instantly I realized and I acknowledged myself then.

Looking back, I begin to understand how this all come into place and how everything is starting to make sense. 

It was humbling and really enlightening.

But, I came back from my work trip to find Qinzhi n Huaihao at the airport waiting for me 

Then daddy told me the news

Qinzhi has a seizure last Sunday and was sent to hospital. She was having dinner and she stared into space and is not exactly reactive for ten plus minutes

After an EEG the hospital found spikes in her left brain and suggested an mri

I was weak from listening to this but I quickly asked for an appointment to the specialist and got it at 9am the next day

I went into the mri scan with Qinzhi n waited 

At 2pm the doctor called to say it looks like the mri is clear 

But because she had another seizure this morning, this is considered epilepsy 

Qinzhi has to b put on medication for 2 years to suppress the seizure n to let the wiring get better

I did not know how to take this

I was extremely relieved to hear the scan didn’t show anything but this is a lifetime of work to do with zhi

I looked back at the last message she sent me and after replying her I asked if she did work 

When I saw that I was so angry with myself—-is that all I can ask of her?

When I cleared things in my store I saw her write 沁芝♡妈妈。

I haven’t listened all this while

I did not hear her at all

I was oblivious to Qinzhi when she needed me. I didn’t know how to love her as a mother.

This is so torturous 

I did not think about how she felt at all

I didn’t care at all 

Daddy asked Qinzhi if she wants to keep her hair long

Qinzhi says,” mommy says I got to pass my exam”

I felt so guilty

Like how my mother’s word meant to me.

I said smtg that I do not mean totally but became the decreed for Qinzhi this that stuffed her tortured her 

But I got so fearful thinking that I may lose her or if anything happened to her 

Daddy cried so hard-he said he felt soo for Qinzhi because if his mother was around there would be someone to love her.

But I said, it’s not true. Hui n gor love her more than themselves.

He asked,”were we too harsh on Qinzhi? “

Yes I said. We did not know how to love her

I did not 

Qinzhi came earlier than expected 

I was five months pregnant when I got married 

Maybe subconsciously I did not accept this well. So Qinzhi was always feeling inconfident and unwanted

She was always not at the centre while her brother was

And she always subjected herself to the sides

I thought about how I scolded her during the exams.

“Don’t you know how to do this?”

“Qinzhi why are you doing this to me? “

We brought Huaihao to the Chinese doctor and I was pushing her to do maths all the way

I front of other people in public 

I did not consider how she felt at all

I hurt her so much and she couldn’t have an answer 

She loves me so so much but I only questioned her this way——to a 9 year old

I imagine her at a total loss blaming herself 

She couldn’t take it

Yongjuan says’ “Maybe her mind wanted to shut down from something external .  Too stressful , she wanna run away”

Maybe medically they call it epilepsy but this was really really due to the stress caused by the exams and me

Each time she didn’t know how to work on her math she just stood still 

This time it got serious 

I feel so regretful 

Although the doctor says this has nothing to do with stress but I feel like 

I single handledly caused this. Qinzhi was such a happy child just last week or a few days earlier and now she’s been having two seizures and we do not know when is the next

And when I see other kids who r normal and do not have to take medication, my heart has so much pain and regret

I brought this upon my daughter, I want my healthy happy daughter back

And I m going to do all I can to bring her health and happiness back

I m going to channel all my energy to healing her and bringing her back to balance

Both daddy and I talked about this

And we really want to change as a family 

To cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and to open Qinzhi up 

Qinzhi has too many things on her mind in her heart and she doesn’t say it out

Sorry doesn’t amount to any effect but I want to seek Qinzhi’s forgiveness and from myself and daddy 

Qinzhi does not have a voice,  the opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to find and acknowledge my own, then helping others to voice out their heart, and now its about helping Qinzhi find and say out her voice from the heart. 


Healing XXXXXiii

I told teacher I didn’t really know how to continue, coming back from Ishinomaki. I said i was like shaken, and I just couldn’t find a footing.

I felt like —-i needed to sort out or process my thoughts. They were all jumbled up. Why could kids still attend school a few days after tsunami? Why does an old man want to keep a staircase his wife grabbed before she died at home? Why does he not drink alcohol anymore? Does he need to be this sober? My intrusion into Ishinomaki and this place’s intrusion into my life, disturbed me greatly. For what—–what?Is the meaning of life?

I told teacher about my life in the past 2 weeks. I was in Ishinomaki seeing how people picked up their lives, 7 years after the tsunami, there were new roads and buildings, but there was also old buildings that collapsed and still lie collapsed in the way. I saw people smiling like the tsunami has not happened. But I also saw people trying to deal with deep seated grief singing their hearts out in church. Then I went for Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s retreat, who shared about how each of us had accumulated and lived out of imprints in our life, looking out at life with these lenses and not getting an accurate picture out of our lives because we were forever continuing with our imprints and reinforcing them. Then I had the opportunity to get my seat in business class and flew to HK with a good class hotel and enjoyed luxuries and food that is top notch, rubbing shoulders with executives of the business world. And I came back totally in a state of blur.

I told teacher also about my boss who shared a story about how his plane found itself in a technical glitch and he thought he was going to die. He in turn shared about a young lady who made a decision and lost her life. I asked him what he gleaned out of this sudden experience? And he said, 看开一点. Or allow things to go if you can. In life, a decision can lead you the other way. We had a little chat about the meaning of life. And he said he was going to bring his wife for a holiday. How lovely I thought, this realisation. THIS UPLIFT OR ELEVATION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. When he said , 看开一点,i really felt clouds emptying out a middle spacious pathway. Like it lessened my load too.

Teacher shares that everyone’s consciousness is not static and will change with times. He says that with the stories i shared all this while, there seem to be a commonality, and it is the suddenness and abrupt change which instigated a switch in people’s modes or thinking or system. He asks, “do you realise that in the stories you shared? the people you interviewed, they experienced a seismic change in their life after a particular event?”

And yes. Like the couple who took me to Ishinomaki, the wife recovered from depression and the husband quit his job afterwards. Like Alain Passard, who decided to switch completely to plant based cuisine after having managed—like he said, the corpses of animals.  

I told teacher I was sort of envious about their decided decisions, they make a switch and turn in their lives and all for the better it seemed. They lived in tandem with their innate rhythms and did what their inner wisdom or soul would like. But teacher reminded me that I had done this too.

“Try and recall, when you had a seismic change in your life. What was the decision you made? What did you do? Actually you, like them made a decision too, its just that you magnified their decisions but actually its a decision they made in their lives and you have too.

I came to the understanding pretty quickly. Yes I did, i made the decision when my mother passed away, in such a quick instant it went unnoticed, but make a decision i did.

And that was—to toughen up. Teacher asked me why? I said it was to deal with life. It seemed like at that moment, I had to grow up and toughen up to handle life.

But now, I understand that I need not be that tough one, I can be my own in life.


And this made me understand why I love my work so much. Like what Passard said of loving to cook, he said it was because cooking brought him to be more in tune with his senses. 

And that was what my job and practice has brought me all these years, to be touched by the people i met, the thing they said, the food i ate, the things i saw. These all let me get in touch with my deeper self, they came at my senses and shook them back to life, melted away the tough outer shells and got me in.

Now I understand why I love what I do. Because they break down this outer shell which I had unwittingly put on in an instant when mom passed away. But my practice and work breaks down these walls, and showed me myself without these walls. I love the me this way. I do.

Teacher reminds me, “the people who came into your life the way they did, are like a reflection to show you, to tell you something and a message. Once you hear and take heed, they might not appear in your life the way they did anymore.”

I spoke about Ishinomaki. I told Teacher I didnt know how to make sense of it all. Was I numb to this? I seemed to be there and not there, i seemed to feel things and not. Was I blocking this out?

But Teacher could sense something more.

Gentle as always, he says that I have, tapped onto the feelings of fear people there have when they experienced the tsunami.

He asked me to first connect myself to Mother Earth, feel that I m standing on the ground before he sought to help me process the emotions I have tapped into.

“Imagine you are now in Ishinomaki, how do you feel?” 

I said i felt fear. 

“Where is the feeling of fear in your body?”

My legs I said. I felt my legs feel light and without support. I felt a sense of rising fiery feeling. I sort of could sense people running escaping fearing for their lives in fear.

Teacher saw my brows knit together and asked if i had anything to said. I shared this with him and as I felt this, i felt what my father must have felt when he decided to flee.

And i told teacher, that i have experienced this fearful way of running for one’s life too. That was when we run away from our home and looked for shelter at Auntie’s. Even if we lived in the block of flats, we ran away from ours. And walking back to our block, we had to be careful to hide ourselves and be watchful. To lower our heads to walk.

“And how does this feel? Were you angry?”

I said i didnt understand why i had to hide, why i had to live this way for something I never did. To be in shame. There was alot of perturb and alot more things I couldnt understand. Did Dad had to run away? It was abrupt, everything was sort of well, mom covered up everything and shouldered everything. Until one fine evening, they called us into the room to announce dad is going away. I couldnt understand this. Teacher ask if there was any point in time that I could refute the decision? And I said no, we just had to take it. Teacher explained that Mom shouldered everything, and hid it in her, deep deep down in a bid to protect us. She kept quiet and it tore her life her soul, but that was her way of protecting us. 

I am different. I preferred to speak out the depths of my soul and to bare myself if i need. But I could understand the decision mother made, not the best, but probably the best she could afford and fathom there and then in that situation. And it was for us. I said i appreciated my mom for that. But I m different, i m ready to let the children know that as parents we have times when we dont see face to face, that is okay, just that I wanted my husband to be mindful of his speech when he is unhappy so as not to hurt our children.

Teacher understood this all. “So when it came to you, you exploded. So its an imprint on you, what your mother chose. You carry that energetically and you seek to breakthrough.”

I told Teacher i wrote to dad the night before he left, the content was something like, running away isnt the end but is in fact the beginning. 

“And what were you trying to say to your dad? What was your intention of saying this?”

I said it was to tell him no matter where he ran, family is where we are and he would have to come back someday, sometime for us and to settle his case and his issues. 

I told teacher about the lack, because I had shone all along, i was performing all along up to or even beyond Mom’s expectations of me. But that period was dark and broken, it was a period in my life that I didnt really want to look back on.

And this is exactly what Ishinomaki did to me. It brought me back no matter how much I didnt want it. But my soul wanted it, and the universe planned for this chance for me to be there.

Teacher said, “This probably really is a time that gave you so much pain you didnt want to go back. You had the reactions, being slightly detached when you are there, because its too painful to go into then.”

I said yes. I surely don’t want to be reminded of that past. I was so so broken. But looking back, it has been such a journey, this building of my self back, this healing journey, piecing together the life, the memories, the pain and the beautiful. I told teacher about seeing weeds coming out of the spaces in the kerbsides. And that gave me alot of strength. That is me, finding a way to weave my way out. And this really is me, the way I show up. I told Teacher this is also the streak my boss has in him that I can identify and follow.

Teacher asks, “Imagine, touch wood, that this is the last day of your life. What would be the things that you really want to do? I thought of going back to my family, then teacher pushed on, “Imagine its the last 15 minutes of your life….” I thought about my daughter and my father and the unresolved issues. But they dont seem as important anymore. I told teacher, that if in the past, I felt it was difficult to forgive him. Now i find it easier and I m willing. It seemed that those werent as important anymore. I could understand why he run away. And the feeling is, it doesnt really matter anymore.

It seemed like i have loosened up a wee bit. And I felt better and more at ease with myself having arrived here.

I spoke about my daughter and my expectations of her, and reacting to her from my imprints. And teacher asks, “and you feel guilty?”

Yes i said. 

“Did you do these consciously or when you were not mindful?” I said it was mostly unconscious effort when i interacted with qinzhi. i have been passing down what I knew, what I have been taught or expected of me to my girl. I havent really been reacting to her from a basal point of no imprints. To which teacher said, “and so, no need to feel bad, you did not do that on purpose. But you see, you passed on the imprints, and it rests on her to resolve this.”

Just like how I m trying to resolve issues my mother has faced.

Teacher says, “and i know you do not want to pass on imprints or let the next generation suffer like you.”

We discussed the meaning of life. I didnt really have an answer. I told teacher, i was extremely touched during the Tsoknyi Rinpoche retreat, because of his presence. I thought what was really touching was when Rinpoche said, live a healthy, happy and meaningful life. But what is meaningful life? Its so difficult to answer. And during the refuge taking ceremony. I thought how nice! How blessed! to be able to find shelter find beliefs find guidance hope and light when one needs? I feel also v blessed to have the opportunity to listen to these teachings and to be here and to have shelter deep inside.

Teacher says, “The meaning of refuge actually is the way home, a place for you to go to. Your soul picked to be borne in this land, in this family to meet these people you have, because you soul wanted it. You have a purpose or something you wanted in this lifetime. Thats why you are here. When we did that little experiment, about living the last day of your life, you didnt talk about achievements, you talked about resolving issues close to heart. Achieving this sense of inner freedom and ease. For you,  the meaning of life is to heal yourself and to release yourself from imprints, i know you dont want to carry this over to the next generation. This is what you are here for.”

i told teacher i couldnt really enjoy or soak up the luxuries that were sent to me, i took it more for the personal space it gave me, a bit of grace to myself to be with myself. But for that, luxury has no deeper impact or meaning to me. But i had these thoughts on the plane









I interviewed Janice and Chi many years back when I was working at the Chinese Daily.

It was like an ordinary interview at a new restaurant. But their story was anything but ordinary.

Chi followed Janice on a mission trip to Ishinomaki. Then Janice was in the doldrums. Chi a workaholic put everything down and followed his wife to Ishinomaki.

For the record, Ishinomaki in Miyagi, Japan was one of the coastal cities that was hardest hit by the tsunami in 2011.

Chi hadn’t come from a well to do family . All this life, he was conscious of making enough to feed his family. So when he decided to put down work, it was for his wife, I remember Janice said, “he said, whats the point of earning so much money if my wife is unhappy?”

That trip changed his life.

“People over there, they lost everything. But they can still smile. It makes me wonder–Why are all these people behaving this way? But if you trust that tomorrow will be better, then it will be better! It’s the perspective of how you look at it. If you keep on worrying, everything will not turn well, because fear, or I use the word worry, is paying the interest that is not due.

Actually it may not happen but our fear cripples us, make us dare not move on, make us think we are only this small or we can only do this much. Or I’m not in the capacity to help someone, to listen to someone.

When he came back from Ishinomaki, he was born again.

After I went to Ishinomaki, I came back and I do not know how to move on. I really want to do something, I have this voice very clear that restaurant shall be called Ishinomaki. That’s how the whole thing started.

And I tendered my resignation a few days later. Without even knowing what is the next step—because this is the first time in my life I felt I hear something from God. I have never has this kind of feeling, when I look back, actually God is preparing me all the way. This is no coincidence, I let go everything. When I went with my wife, I just let go everything. That trip really woke me up.

We maintained contact all these years, little did I know that I would have a chance to make a video out of this, and to come to Ishinomaki to see for myself the Ishinomaki that changed peoples’ lives.

What is the meaning of letting go? like Chi said? I tried to imagine.

He said he felt very sure and was not afraid at all.

I think it means to rest and be at peace. To be so comfortable so loose that you can not control.

He said he was used to thinking and living in a state of lack, even if financial conditions were okay after having worked.

“But when I was young, I was worried about lacking.”

But he agreed that after letting go, abundance came in.


We visited the Nozomi project one evening. Womenfolk were congregated into a safe space whereby they did handicraft work, putting together pieces of pottery that was found in Ishinomaki after the tsunami.

Sue who gave birth to this project and is still tending to this today after 7years say, there can be beauty in brokenness.

“We are all broken within ourselves, but in here, from here, is where beauty can be found. She found it a privilege to walk with the women here, mostly single mothers, and to listen to their amazing stories and strength.”

I was touched by what I heard. I loosened up and my voice shook. But I also observed myself during the process, I was merely listening but not opening up enough to this experience. I was pretty closed.

I tried to open myself up and that was when I felt warm and was moved. I was trying to make sense of this feeling. That tight closed up feeling. Rigid and unmalleable, why?

I couldn’t really figure it out. Was it my fear of death? It doesn’t feel complete or perfect and it felt like I didn’t want the incompleteness or imperfection.

Like this place couldn’t really penetrate me.

Sue shared this story of jewellery pieces made out of pottery, being organic and not symmetrical. She once had a discussion with the women who made this and they say they want to make it symmetrical because they didn’t want to remember the tragedy. So they named the collections after their loved ones, who are washed over.

Sometimes a question pops up and there are tears which go into the jewellery.

After a while, the womenfolk told her they wanted to make the pieces organic again, and Sue says it shows about the healing they have received after all this while.

I find myself a little opaque to these.

Maybe I felt the lack as my family was broken, I didn’t want the echo…..or hear any more of these echoes of brokenness. I just didn’t want that memory of wretchedness. Aye yes it reminded me that I have something I need to work on within myself.

Broken myself inside, and I havent even addressed it. I didn’t really wanna open it up to peek into there.

And I haven’t found a way to asking these people about this state of wreck. How do I approach them or rather my own story or memory of wreck n lack?

But hearing these stories made me understand about strength. The sake brewery owner said he was so blessed to be alive, he was inspired to start another sake brand.

I wouldn’t be able to understand how folks here could go back to school too after the tsunami. But Sue said there’s an urge to go back to normalcy.

Somehow I get the idea or grasped the concept of strength. Drawing out inner strength from the depths of—perhaps your soul.


I sort of watched my own emotions then and slowly softened at certain points. It was as if something melted, my voice shook a little. Sue teared.

Its time to open myself up to the brokenness in me. To be honest. Why keep?














就像Sue昨天讲,我问她,怎么在自己藏了很多起来背负很多之后还说,it’s a privilege to be walking with them

还有Chad说,a lot of times it’s not what we do or what we bring that helped

It’s our presence

我再一次学会什么叫做being present

存在 开放 地活在当下










or maybe its me who is feeling that its harsh?


















Looking at the sea.

That which brought abundance can actually be the very sea that takes the abundance out of your life.

But the sea may not be the one to be blamed

And looking at it. It seemed so wasteful to hang on to the old. Not just memories but old attitudes practices habits systems

The sake owner and the young man who started Fisherman Japan, both said that after the tsunami, they felt inspired to do something having grown up here.

Just simply so———because they are alive.

And what do I want to do?


Healing XXXXXii

Healing xxxxxii





我说是,support my healing








像是餐馆Ishinomaki的老板、江振诚、Alain Passard都是在一个高度上,说放就放



跟老师说:“Alain Passard说,对于他的一切决定,或生命中的点滴,他就是到现在也说不清楚。但有时候就是通过像是这样的访问和对谈,让他回头,一点一点拼凑出、了解到他的过程”

































老师说,resolve的方法就是回到那个memory。让这个情绪有一个Energetic release。因为突然来袭的shock总是让自己freeze