What is that in you (ii)

Went to meet up with my friend and spent the night listening to what she has been through the last few weeks.

She poured out her emotions on having to deal with her ex, her daughter and her colleague or subordinate who was diagnosed with the last stage of cancer.

She shared with me how she dealt with everything and teared up.

It was great she shared.

I listened, and with a lot of fear and trepidation. I tried to listen with awareness and at my best, do listening mediation.

That night i felt my arms and legs wrought with fear, and a lot of it.

Like a mini panic attack of sorts, i felt my limbs go weak go numb with lots of needles. I felt emotionally drained.

I couldnt sleep well and woke early this morning. Then i was so tired out I slept in the afternoon and only woke up in the evening finding myself better. Before that my tummy was full and I couldnt digest things.

I had my first meal of the day at 7pm.

And now feeling better, i want to try and make sense of this in the way I could best—writing it out.

This little exercise showed what is that in me.

My fear about about cancer, about life or the death of it.

Recently i had been listening to so many cases of illness, there were Facebook friends who were further away, and there was a contact who shared during lunch that she was down. Then my ex colleague, my friend ‘s subordinate.

I had a rising sense of fear.

It seemed so easy. SO so easy.

What was the universe or life trying to tell me—was this an alert or a wake up call? what was the message behind?

Impermanence was definitely one.

And for me, my fear about illness about life or the death of it. That I couldnt understand or haven’t spent heart trying to make sense of.

Childhood memories of grandfather, who seemed to pass away with liver failure. Then when i was bigger, my maternal grandma who had colon cancer. My mother who passed on when she had a viral attack on the heart in a bad bout of flu. My paternal grandmother who has it in the later stages of her life, but facing it with so much courage and bravery.

I thought of the friends who have recently battled the illness and those who have passed on. Everyone’s story is different.

Why did they get ill?

With limited wisdom and ignorance, and framing in a shorter span of a lifetime, it could be stress, unhappiness and something in life that has gone awry, more like a mental or emotional kind of wrong that has showed up in a different light physically.

In a longer frame, karma? Like time is up.

Something I thought we do not have control over. But as I m writing it now, maybe we do.

Recent stories showed me little bits of why people fell, in life. There was work stress, there was stress for bringing up kids with problems, there was stress with dealing in a boss who sucks and people who have succumbed because mentally they seem to have succumbed to unhealthy thinking or refused to budge or change or breakthrough.

And these are the mirrors in life, that reflect back and make you ponder about yourself. As they say, life is a reflection.

They show you what worked and what did not. What else can be changed and pushed for in my own.

I thought about myself.

I havent really digested my mother’s death, maybe because i didnt know her in life. Her life, her thoughts and emotions.

And her life came and went.

And everything went through but wasn’t experienced.

I did not or have not taken life “seriously”, I did not venture in to think perhaps why there is life, and or —-the purpose of meaning of it.

I ran away and is running away in a “flight” response.

But the recent stories have unsettled me and made me realise that I can no longer use the same response. Or rather, the old response no longer serves me.

I thought about myself, my understanding and of life.

I did not dare and has not face up to the real meaning of life. I was successful in my work and have aced my way through the best educational institutions.

But certainly there was so much more in life I didnt know.

So when I listened to these stories of people getting sick and falling down in life, they were stories and I didnt understand the meaning of it.

And the meaning was to really go for what matters, in my little life, to make sense as much of happenings, to dissolve and resolve unsettled past and emotions, to really spend time on things that matter. Not going after the the name of it.

Its also about conviction, belief and pushing for things you really believe in and expressing your soul and your self, and not being afraid of it.

Its about getting to the root living it rather than living in the surface of it.

And really living it out and up what matters to me.

Its about not just spending time, but devoting the insides of yourself, your time, your thoughts and emotions, your breath your soul—–truly and wholeheartedly to causes that matter.

My family, my kids, my siblings, my dad, my extended family. As for money, I do need it, but i think that, can be taken care of with suitable planning and savings.

Om ma ne pad me hum.



What is that in you

I saw this FB post of a friend.

“You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?
“Well because someone bumped into me, of course!”

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

So we have to ask ourselves, “what’s in my cup?”

When life gets tough, what spills over?

joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? OR anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions?”

Things that come into our life serve to tell us about ourselves, and that thing that is in us.

It is sunday today and I woke up happy , extremely happy to be alone, and to have a day devoted to myself and what I like to do.

Then I saw a mountain of clothes waiting to be ironed.

I was fired up and extremely frustrated and angry.

These clothes have been lying there for the past week! And out of the one week, I did ALL I could and even more as a working mother.

Waking up early to cook, doing all the chores I can and rushing home to cook. And having to wash up dirty plates and everything before I could start cooking, when I had little time or had to rush.

Out of those few days, bf was on leave. As i see it, he had time to do all these little by little.

And in my mind, i knew that i wanted him to rest and had time to rest, so I did ALL I could so that he could have more time to rest.

But rest he did.

So on  his off days he rest, but on my off days, i do what he could have but didnt do.

I was extremely mad.

We have had these conversations many times over.

And always, his logic was ——if you are not happy you do not do this, i’ll find my time to do.

But I just couldnt stand looking at that heap of clothes that has been there for one week.

Somebody has to do it.

At the basic level, I felt so so unfair, so so angry, why would I think for him and want for him to have a rest day without having to do anything, but he wouldnt think this way for me.

On normal days when he had rest and didnt have to do anything much, i still had to come back and wash up the pots and plates they had lunch on.

And even if he ironed, he would leave the clothes for me to keep.


I decided to iron the clothes today again because I felt like i wanted both of us to have a gd rest day and i knew he wouldnt have time to iron today or tomoro, because he would be at work and I wanted him to have good rest after work.

So i chose covering this set of chores which he could have done so many days before, rather than choosing myself, rather than spending time going out for a walk or doing some writing like now.

I chose him over myself.

I also wanted myself to have a neat tidy house to enjoy my rest day.

So i picked up the iron and started.

But i got so so mad.

Because I knew i wanted to talk to him about this, n he wouldnt understand what i m saying, he wouldnt even appreciate or understand all this that ran in my mind,

he would just say:” i will find my time to do”

ANd i knew i would get so mad all over again.

Because i did ALL i could on my work days, and on days he rest to let him do little and have a n ice clean house to enjoy -But on my off day, i still have to do ALL i can to cover what he didnt do,

I thought of what qinzhi wrote on the note that day to her dad because she saw he just left for his massage and didnt even bother to clean the table nor empty the dustbin, she wrote smthg and at that point in time when I read it, i felt like she knew smthg more, n she said smthg out for me, she wrote : “DO ALL YOU HAVE TO!”

And today i finally understood why—whilst I was ironing.

I kept doing all I can for my family, my kids, my husband. But not all I can for myself. I was always putting them first.

And ahead of me.

And at that point when I was ironing. I knew why this thing got at me.

My mom was also always putting her family, her kids, her husband before her.

My father didnt appreciate her and all those efforts.

Maybe he did, but too late.

When i realised this, I realised i walked in her footsteps and I was not too happy about all this because my own husband didnt understand and didnt appreciate what I had done.

If he had, he wouldnt choose or done allowed things to be this way. He would have cleaned up all the dishes or ironed all the clothes.

He wouldnt bear to let me, or he would think ahead for me, or consider for me.

At least he wouldnt leave those clothes there for me, he wouldnt even leave clothes there even after ironing.

And thinking of the post I saw on FB, i understand why i m so disturbed and worked up, its not even about the work, nor the clothes, its about what I have in me.

I do not want to let days come on and for myself to do these over and over again, its also not about not happy dont do, its about that level of appreciation and consideration for the other party.

its about putting someone else before yourself.

i m angry and frustrated at myself because these things that happen once and again show me how silly i m in putting others before myself, and i hate to admit i made a wrong decision.

I do not want to be like my mother, i do not want a husband who doesnt see my point and not recognise or appreciate me, i do not tolerate laziness and nonsense.

Never. I do not want to be like my mother. Doing everything she has to everything she could and more . Faithfully doing something and always so giving or sacrificing of her self, little by little till she had no life left.

Its about me.


Healing XXXXix


Mom left us in 2002.

But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.

In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.

And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.

For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.

The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.

For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.

For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.

She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.

And in my life, these themes were very strong.

These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.

So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?

Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.

When I went into the room, I found it very bright.

Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.

The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.

Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.

I needed to relax.

It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.

I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.

I was not grounded.

Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”

His reply was to the point.

“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”

Oh well, spot on.

I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.

I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.

When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.

This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.

To which teacher smiled.

“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”

Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.

i guess it is because he is so aware.

And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.

Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?

And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.

i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.

The word “Birth” called out to me.


I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.

I totally didn’t expect this.

So teacher mentioned 2 things:

  1. The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
  2. I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.

Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.

I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.

I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.

But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.

Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.

I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.

Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.

To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”

“i said a mixture of many emotions,  anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”

She had no choice.

Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”

“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . “

I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.

Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”

I pulled the chair close and opposite me .

Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”

I went, or rather my father went, “素云,我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了,但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来,我太愚昧愚蠢。”

I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.

Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”

And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择,我错了,我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗?我请你原谅我,我对不起你。对不起这个家。”

Teacher said, “这些年来,你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦,你也不好受,我希望你能够抬起头来。”

And i did.

Teacher said, “yes. yes”

In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.

Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.

He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.

“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”

This got me v emotional.

I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.

but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,

“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你,生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”

Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.

“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”

And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.

“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. “

And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.

Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.

Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?

“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. “
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.

Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.

Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.

Its painful and we should all resolve this.

I agree.

Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.

i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”

Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.

“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”

i know what teacher is saying.

“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”

When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.

Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.

With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.

The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.

To really let it be free.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Thank you for the teachings!


COMO Ubud April 2018




蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然





美好            很美好

叶落     跟妈妈的离去一样。不多不少。多出来的不舍是因为我们拥有一些共同记忆





蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然




美好            很美好




这么美 如果没有自然,没有生生落落,也就没有妈妈没有我没有现在











我可以分享或者说pass on这赐给












躺着录下time lapse,原本是想扑捉鸟儿飞舞,却看到云










its so painful

I m in pain

It is so hard to see you go let you go

We didn’t even have a proper conversation 

There are so many things we haven’t discussed we haven’t done

But I do not have the chance anymore 

I feel regretful

晚上,在飞机上看Life of Pi,男孩和老虎在海上漂流许久,最后靠岸,老虎离男孩儿去,男孩摊在沙滩上,被人抬走后,哭着。

“Richard Parker (老虎)left me so unceremoniously”



对了。这是COMO Ubud让我最舒服最喜欢的地方


My favorite spot in COMO Ubud, would be the yoga pavilion which overlooks the lush and verdant valley below. Here’s where we observe the practice of yoga in the morning and late afternoons. Brought over “The Pleasures of Eating Well” to read.

Played with an ant. Got the wind, the greens, birdsong , the rush of the waters below, the quiet and arrive at the here and the now.




Healing XXXX viii












我说,当时不知所。老师问我,当时候感觉到support 吗?




老师建议:多点和mother earth衔接。因为这才是我们的energetic mother



















妈妈说:“girl, I have always been so proud of u.”









他居然说—-mommy i love you。


























她之后再说一句:“compassion can heal delusion.”





美好的,是new beginning。




I love you mommy 😊














很心痛。虽然都不是我非常亲密的朋友,但是很能理解很能体会,this is empathy and compassion too。



所以,很久没有感受到这种到了疲惫的感觉————呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。就是要shut down的状态。

但是就在这个时候,听到了Lama Zoma Rinpoche在Bendigo,我曾经到过的地方——的FB LIVE的teaching。他提到了Khadro-la,她就是Tara,我想到和她的connection,很感谢有这个机会,见到她。

More on Khadro-la




one of the beautiful things abt khadro la is her warmth, so warm it heals people.

i want to b like her, kind hearted and warm.

i think i can!


May all sentient beings be free from this pain of losing their mothers. May all sentient beings who are experiencing this pain, receive healing and blessings.




但是看Khadro-La的视频,看到一句话:compassion to heal delusion





When sunlight dispels eternal darkness, we see objects clearly.



may i be healed in the process, 突然能明白为什么要经历我所经历的

may my guardian angels and protectors guide me and support me on this path, to fulfil these intentions, with much ease, creativity, beauty and a lot of warmth and wholesomeness.


Shiro Tsujimura

Shiro Tsujimura is the creator of Japan’s most beautiful tea bowls. I didnt know what I was in for, I didnt know we were going to his house, much less, having lunch prepared by the man himself.


And this became one of the most powerful meals I have in my life.

We sat down and chatted. We were in his house in Nara, this he built from materials in the forest. He said, “the only thing i bought were the glass for the windows.”

There was a fireplace, he boiled water from. When it was time for lunch, he added a grill, and toasted the wagyu, then sliced off the top parts, dipped in a sauce and served our plates.

His wife was preparing food in the kitchen , we could hear the sounds of oils popping on the pan, but so gently.

She brought out food and more food, softly. Gently.

There was always a smile, on their faces, even in the midst of preparing food. We spoke, I have too many questions I need him to address, I didnt have time to listen to the translation on his answers, I fired.

I didnt understand what he said, but i seemed to know and I had to cry.


We ate from the bowls derived from his creative processes. These bowls, when they came out of the kiln, would be placed on the ground in the hills he lived in.

These pieces would receive rain, wind, sun, dust, scattered on the hills.


Letting an act of man ferment in the nature’s elements and allowing nature to nurture man’s work.


He says, “I don’t really like the term of “art”…When other people look at it, it’s art to them, but… To me, it’s part of my life, and everything is the same. If you look at the writing on the wall, I think it is a buddhist thinking, it means literally “not knowing”. IMG_7123

“When the monk asked me what will happen after death, I replied that I don’t know, and I really don’t know. So what will you do when you die? I really don’t know. What I know is I only want to do things that I like during the time when I’m alive. So when you die, whether it’s the end or whether there’s heaven after that, there are religions with answers to that. But actually, it really matters down to what you can do during the time when you are alive. I really like this idea of ignorance is bliss.  “

We spoke about beauty, and what this means to him.

“Beauty is a very difficult concept. Dirty things can also be beautiful, for example, when people look at this, they might think it looks dirty, but I think it is beautiful. I think different people have different concepts of beauty, because it depends on each individual. A bowl that can be looked at for hours for its beauty, that’s what I hope to make. Something fascinating is this space inside the bowl, something that exists in the bowl.”


We spoke about perfection or rather, the imperfection of it.

“Perfection is a little different. Perfection is more of a concept by imperialism and China, which depends on a degree of likeness. But for Japan and Korea, the beauty of imperfection is what we aspire to achieve. This might be unique to the Japanese, but this concept of imperfection has always existed in Korean pottery, and the Japanese thought well of it, which is why we brought in the pottery. I’m not sure how the modern Koreans think now, but during that time, they had this concept of imperfection, and they used the bowls for tea drinking. For pottery making, Japanese people have always seek for the beauty of imperfection, and not perfection.

There are also perfect products, but to me, I don’t really like them.”

And what is important in life?

“The important thing, is to do something that you like. It is not listening to someone, but continuing to believe in what you want to do. Of course, I would like to make something that people would like to use. It is not so much of a message, but I would like people to enjoy using the bowl, with the same feelings that I have.”

He was into painting, but a temple stay changed his path completely.

“I was at the temple for the purpose of meditating. About 3 years. I was meditating, and they had this kind of bowl which they ate with, such as ramen. The monk commented that meditation is similar to the process of bowl-making. I then began to have interest in making the bowl, and it slowly developed into my interest in pottery. The process of bowl-making is similar to meditation, with your thoughts free.

Spiritually, they are similar. Whether mediation or making a bowl or two, it takes the same spirit and mind to do it.”


The bowl is a representation of space and the mind, and I find the tea bowl very interesting. Till Now, I m still making them. It’s not really the art form, but a form of lifestyle. I want to continue making tea bowls.


When you finished making a bowl, you start to think of making a better one, so you end up with making thousands of them. So it is actually wanting to make a bowl at a time, and then making another, and another…


For him, the most enjoyable time…  is forming the shape at the potter’s wheel…


He says, “The difficult part about Japanese pottery is, if you get better in your skills, your product will become boring.  So you do not try to perfect your skills, but try to create what you want. I think this is difficult, because it is not something that you can work hard for.

You cannot neglect your own feeling and just focus on making a perfect product. Following your feelings, your skills will also improve.”

The advice is awesome for anyone into craft and creation.


He has about 7 little workshops on his little hill stead. Each is devoted to a different art form.



His son followed his path, remarkably, without being “taught” by the man himself.

According to Kai Tsujimura, “My dad is not the type to teach a certain thing. Of course I started making pottery because of my dad’s great influence but all along, the pieces were used normally at home…So when we had our meals, we used these bowls and those plates as per normal…My father’s pottery pieces were in our actual lives.. If not for that, I don’t think i would have started making pottery. “

And when I asked the elder Tsujimura, he said, “the most important thing i have taught my son? No I haven’t. If there is one thing, that is to just “make it”. Make as many as necessary. It is not necessary to think of other matters.  If there is something that he wants to make, just make it.”