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Ishinomaki

I interviewed Janice and Chi many years back when I was working at the Chinese Daily.

It was like an ordinary interview at a new restaurant. But their story was anything but ordinary.

Chi followed Janice on a mission trip to Ishinomaki. Then Janice was in the doldrums. Chi a workaholic put everything down and followed his wife to Ishinomaki.

For the record, Ishinomaki in Miyagi, Japan was one of the coastal cities that was hardest hit by the tsunami in 2011.

Chi hadn’t come from a well to do family . All this life, he was conscious of making enough to feed his family. So when he decided to put down work, it was for his wife, I remember Janice said, “he said, whats the point of earning so much money if my wife is unhappy?”

That trip changed his life.

“People over there, they lost everything. But they can still smile. It makes me wonder–Why are all these people behaving this way? But if you trust that tomorrow will be better, then it will be better! It’s the perspective of how you look at it. If you keep on worrying, everything will not turn well, because fear, or I use the word worry, is paying the interest that is not due.

Actually it may not happen but our fear cripples us, make us dare not move on, make us think we are only this small or we can only do this much. Or I’m not in the capacity to help someone, to listen to someone.

When he came back from Ishinomaki, he was born again.

After I went to Ishinomaki, I came back and I do not know how to move on. I really want to do something, I have this voice very clear that restaurant shall be called Ishinomaki. That’s how the whole thing started.

And I tendered my resignation a few days later. Without even knowing what is the next step—because this is the first time in my life I felt I hear something from God. I have never has this kind of feeling, when I look back, actually God is preparing me all the way. This is no coincidence, I let go everything. When I went with my wife, I just let go everything. That trip really woke me up.

We maintained contact all these years, little did I know that I would have a chance to make a video out of this, and to come to Ishinomaki to see for myself the Ishinomaki that changed peoples’ lives.

What is the meaning of letting go? like Chi said? I tried to imagine.

He said he felt very sure and was not afraid at all.

I think it means to rest and be at peace. To be so comfortable so loose that you can not control.

He said he was used to thinking and living in a state of lack, even if financial conditions were okay after having worked.

“But when I was young, I was worried about lacking.”

But he agreed that after letting go, abundance came in.

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We visited the Nozomi project one evening. Womenfolk were congregated into a safe space whereby they did handicraft work, putting together pieces of pottery that was found in Ishinomaki after the tsunami.

Sue who gave birth to this project and is still tending to this today after 7years say, there can be beauty in brokenness.

“We are all broken within ourselves, but in here, from here, is where beauty can be found. She found it a privilege to walk with the women here, mostly single mothers, and to listen to their amazing stories and strength.”

I was touched by what I heard. I loosened up and my voice shook. But I also observed myself thru the process, I was merely listening but not opening myself up enough to this experience. I was pretty closed.

I tried to open myself up and that was when I felt warm and was moved. I was trying to make sense of this feeling. That tight closed up feeling. Rigid and unmalleable, why?

I couldn’t really figure it out. Was it my fear of death? It doesn’t feel complete or perfect and it felt like I didn’t want the incompleteness or imperfection.

Like this place couldn’t really penetrate me.

Sue shared this story of jewellery pieces made out of pottery, being organic and not symmetrical. She once had a discussion with the women who made this and they say they want to make it symmetrical because they didn’t want to remember the tragedy. So they named the collections after their loved ones, who are washed over.

Sometimes a question pops up and there are tears which go into the jewellery.

After a while, the womenfolk told her they wanted to make the pieces organic again, and Sue says it shows about the healing they have received after all this while.

I find myself a little opaque to these.

Maybe I felt the lack as my family was broken, I didn’t want the echo…..or hear any more of these echoes of brokenness. I just didn’t want that memory of wretchedness. Aye yes it reminded me that I have something I need to work on within myself.

Broken myself inside, and I havent even addressed it. I didn’t really wanna open it up to peek into there.

And I haven’t found a way to asking these people about this state of wreck. How do I approach them or rather my own story or memory of wreck n lack?

But hearing these stories made me understand about strength. The sake brewery owner said he was so blessed to be alive, he was inspired to start another sake brand.

I wouldn’t be able to understand how folks here could go back to school too after the tsunami. But Sue said there’s an urge to go back to normalcy.

Somehow I get the idea or grasped the concept of strength. Drawing out inner strength from the depths of—perhaps your soul.

日本人的生命就在反覆的破碎和重建當中進行。很了不起的生命力。

I sort of watched my own emotions then and slowly softened at certain points. It was as if something melted, my voice shook a little. Sue teared.

Its time to open myself up to the brokenness in me.

不只。對我來說也是人生的教育。

我不知道还可以为Ishinomaki这条视频带来什么。

但是我鼓励自己以开放的觉知体验这里的一切

体验这里表达的一切

有时候做访问时,会被受访者说的话感动。

参加这里星期天的教诲活动

小孩子弹奏的音乐带领大伙

诗歌用摇滚敲击打鼓的方式表达

好像就是要激起藏在心里心底的一切想法感觉

里面有很多的热情很多的疼痛

越是大声越是愤慨越是无奈

原来我不需要再给什么

只需要懂得开放

就像Sue昨天讲,我问她,怎么在自己藏了很多起来背负很多之后还说,it’s a privilege to be walking with them

还有Chad说,a lot of times it’s not what we do or what we bring that helped

It’s our presence

我再一次学会什么叫做being present

存在 开放 地活在当下

为什么老先生失去太太过后可以微笑

他晚上回到家之后会不会夜夜流泪?

她在大浪来的时候爬上梯子爬到屋顶

然后建筑物倒下

老先生请求银行让他把梯子带回家

因为那是太太碰到的最后一件东西

这么痛苦的回忆真的要留在身边每天复习吗?

是复习痛苦还是借此让自己接受

这么harsh一个方式?

这么一个偏远的地方

居然有一个很强壮去、为数不大的团体

在这里支持重建

小小的地方

这些洋人决定在这里住下

生活

生活不是在公司里赶计划书看下一笔钱怎么赚到

生活不是你争我夺的大斗法

不是升迁降落的计算

是另一种的情绪起伏

关系到人生最重要的大事和小事的

为什么这些人会愿意远离主流的生活

什么是主流

什么才是对的正确的选择

这些洋人说着日语

但可能比日本人更日本人

在这里长大的孩子会快乐吗?他们都活着大人的伤痛下

Looking at the sea.

That which brought abundance can actually be the very sea that takes the abundance out of your life.

But the sea may not be the one to be blamed

And looking at it. It seemed so wasteful to hang on to the old. Not just memories but old attitudes practices habits systems

The sake owner and the young man who started Fisherman Japan, both said that after the tsunami, they felt inspired to do something having grown up here. Just simply that they are alive.

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Healing XXXXXii

Healing xxxxxii

那天我只是想去做一个regular的mindspa

结果学到许多

一如往常

老师问我,他的工作是在哪里?

我说是,support my healing

他点点头:“就是让你看到你的光”

现在想起来,这是一件多么微小但多么了不起多么重要的事

不管是对家人孩子朋友同事甚至老板

如果我可以照见别人的光,让别人看到他们的光

多么温暖多么美好

怎么让别人看到他们自己的光?是自己也成为光吗?还是镜子?

我跟老师说,不知道为什么,我跟那些在一个高度放心、归零的人非常有缘

像是餐馆Ishinomaki的老板、江振诚、Alain Passard都是在一个高度上,说放就放

我说不知道为什么,总是能够在和大厨对谈的时候,透过他们的口,说出我的心里话。

有时候,是大厨说了什么,完整勾勒出我说不出把握不到的感觉

跟老师说:“Alain Passard说,对于他的一切决定,或生命中的点滴,他就是到现在也说不清楚。但有时候就是通过像是这样的访问和对谈,让他回头,一点一点拼凑出、了解到他的过程”

是啊!我也有这样的感觉

我问Passard,怎么会有胆子放下这么多让他餐馆得奖的菜?

他笑说:“怕?那就不要做。”

问他为什么这么享受烹饪?

他说,他家都是搞艺术的。从小他就喜欢用手探索。探索过程让他更多地接触自己的五官,让感官神经更加敏锐。

是啊!我也有这感觉!

老师问我,从踏入报馆到现在,自己怎么改变了?

我说成长跟获得,就是更加了解自己。知道自己写,可以不只是工作,第一次这样感受是在采访周华健的时候。

那时专访他,他告诉我他为兄长还债。我可以体认。因为我也在用赚来的钱,为父亲还债。

后来慢慢的,透过访问,有时候是学习、发现新知识,有时聆听别人的经验,照耀自己。有时是被安慰等等

我提到蒋勋的《带着金刚经去旅行》。里面蒋勋说到,一个学生刻印,带有拙趣

我很受吸引

说着流下眼泪

吓了我一跳。我原来那么被这句话触动

老师邀请我待一待,感受一下心里

让我了解到,我的感动是因为我也是这样

中学时候写作文,有许多的深字佳句我背起来了很期盼会用,但总是写着那些一样的简单的话

我不会雕琢复杂

我就是那样,原原本本简简单单干干脆脆

陈彬雁就是这样

老老实实

真真切切

从来都是

跟老师说,我打从心里有个lack的感觉,缺少缺失。我说,我不算特别富裕,但比下有余,有工作,有家庭,为什么还是感觉有缺失?

老师说,这个缺失可以从几个角度来看,从理性角度、从社会文化角度,以及超越一生、与生俱来的角度来看。

“你有屋子吗?三餐无忧吗?有孩子吗?有工作吗?”等等

这么说下来,知道自己应该感恩的很多。

老师说:“既然如此,你知道这个缺失并不是现实。那从文化角度,一个社会文化的继承。”

我可以明白。战后,我们的父母和祖父母,面对各种lack,我们就是这样,这样inherit了这样的energy。

还有一个,就是与生俱来的缺失,或是前世面对的强烈力量使然。再不然,就是告诉你,你有一些尚未和解溶解度课题。

我说我向往的是peace、wholesome或wholistic的感觉,

我说到对死亡以及突然死亡的恐惧,因为妈妈舅舅姨妈都是这样离开

老师说,resolve的方法就是回到那个memory。让这个情绪有一个Energetic release。因为突然来袭的shock总是让自己freeze

也可以转眼珠以及摇甩的动作

某一天,在摇甩下,真的就如老师说的那样,energy封锁在身体某一部分。很神奇。

我说出对健康的担忧。老师劝说:”健康已经在调整而且有专人看。疾病这件事不只和饮食有关,也和许多其他因素有关。生病这件事,即使许多高人也会经历。老师说:“所以我希望你可以更加的宽心对待。”

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Happy Birthday TPY

生日快乐陈彬雁!

朦朦胧胧懵懵懂懂之间就39了。

我想,还是幸运的幸福的,因为在此处。

这是农历生日的时候,gor gor为我煮的素面线 :)

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还有每年一次要收到的生日红包!

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这一年,长辈老了多一些。

这么多天来,皓皓沁芝因为mommy的生日而兴奋。仿佛这一天就是holiday!是大日子!每天我都会收到皓皓沁芝写给自己的小卡片和纸条。

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生日这一天早上,皓皓做了蛋糕,还唱生日歌,切蛋糕。

晚上和家人一起吃饭,daddy下班之后买了玫瑰花和蛋糕。这就是我最感动最珍惜最感恩的时候了。

餐馆有ktv,皓皓原本不要唱,结果还是高歌一曲

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生日这一天,收到朋友们的祝福,和一家人一起吃饭,这就是最快乐的事,最让人感动感恩的事。

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还有小朋友叮嘱daddy要送的花

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看着daddy下班后赶过来,带着花和蛋糕,我的心跳了一下。幸福就是这滋味。

陈彬雁,你又大一岁了。

要懂得自己。你累了,就需要慢下脚步休息。学习给自己空间和时间。学习放开。这一切都是休息,都是为了走更长的路。这一年来,你跌过,也爬起来,每一次获得的机会,就是为了让你更好。

这一年来,你学习到许多,你又成长了。

我为你感到骄傲!

生日快乐,陈彬雁,祝你健康、平安、幸福!

 

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Healing XXXXXi

The biggest lesson and inspiration gleaned from this mindspa session is:

– healing or life needn’t be painful

– it would be how you make of it

As always.

Healing can be beautiful, easy, wholesome so long as you open yourself to it.

And, many at times, we want to do a lot to help the world or others, but in fact, if you are well yourself, you are already giving your best to the world.

头隐隐作痛

胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开,整个脸发麻
在这样的情况下去见老师。
跟他说最近想不通的事还有做到的事,老师说,我还没来,他已经感觉到了。
跟老师说,老板有一个全球创意总监的任务给我,但是我一点也不起劲。而且老板对我的期望是,完成1000个video,做100万的video生意。
我直接跟老板说,我看不到这个100万。
我跟老师说,即便是现在,我已经觉得很忙碌,压力已经够大,没有这个能力,真的也不要去奢望更多。即便是现在,我已经觉得可以调整和进步的空间很大。而且找到好的人手困难。
我说,从现在这个位置已经有很多的学习。也看到很多了。我说我曾经和我的先生谈,因为进不到那样的高度,需要他的support。先生问我,为什么要做这件事?我说,那就是要改变。起到改变什么的作用。
如果真有让我向往的,就是看看自己的能力可以做到起到启发和改变。也不是说我不相信自己的能力。只是经常看到,每一个小小的改变就可以集大成造成大大的变化,我想看到的是自己所能给带来的影响。
想亲眼看看这件事。
我跟老师说,去做了身体检查,看到那个超标的CA 19.9,还有随之而来的scopes以及MRI的成果。
我跟老师说,最初是震撼还有后面来的,感到开心、如梦初醒的感觉。
我问老师,为什么细胞会改变呢?
我说我检测过 外在因素,饮食已经非常干净,用的产品也是,再来就是工作压力大,不过重点是inner peace和alignment。
老师告诉我一个例子,说明病态的思路会导致细胞变化。
我可以理解。
身体反映心。
心是怎样?身体就是怎样。
我们都是身心合一的。
我跟老师说,scopes之前,想到的一些东西。包括,还有哪些未了的事情,还没有解决好的?我想到和爸爸似乎还有些未完成的。我希望可以做到没有遗憾。我告诉老师,第一次,我想work towards a better relationship with my father.
然后不知不觉“入睡”,不知不觉,从黑暗中醒来。醒来之后,尝试回忆刚才在哪里停下。
感觉上,如获新生。
感觉上,赚到来时间,被赋予机会。
既然有了这个机会,那是不是要只要做自己最想做的事情?
我是这样想的。想这样跟老板说,今后我只想忙我想忙的,钱的不分我没有时间理会。
老实要我停一停。
闭上眼睛,感受现在。感受假如我停顿在现在。
假如我继续留在现在,心情是什么?
我说—-感觉上是还不能够让我看到最最张力的可能性。
他问,那身体呢?
我说很累。
老师说,所幸我清楚自己的可能性还有局限。
老师说,他多么希望对我说,go for it!但是他说,能力方面我没有问题,但是要注意的是健康还有家庭。
老师说,对一个男人来说,没有几个可以接收太太比较强。我没有看到这一点
老师说,我要学习work a plan帮助自己处理压力,因为是没有绝对的平衡的,但是可以有面对压力的态度,很多伟人都是为了大事业,然后牺牲家庭和健康,老师说,不希望我这样。
老师说,这一切都是看我自己怎么craft。
未来就看我自己怎么编织。
带着老师的话离开。
头隐隐作痛
胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开
头、脸、耳朵发麻。
我决定用一用Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche说的,跟panic做朋友。
于是下班后,带着我的恐惧担忧还有这几天的不安,去散步。
只是轻轻的知道有这些情绪就好了。
只是知道。
偶尔有念头来,就让它来,去,来,去。
然后只是清楚的知道。
慢慢的,脸、头、耳不麻了。不抽紧了。
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche的话管用了。
老师说,前面的路不一定平稳顺畅,但这是我的test,也是我的功课。没有人说,healing一定事怎么一个样子,一定就是痛苦的,也可以是美妙的,一切就看你自己怎么去定义怎么去诠释。
然后我似乎就明白了。
即便我现在不去承接这个,以后,以后再以后,我还是得面对这些,因为这就是为了让我突破、跨越的门槛。
我需要就承接、用开放的觉知去,并且很清楚很mindful地去进行。
Om
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Introspect

These few days I have myself checking my thoughts. Too much going on in my mind.

I thought of why cells become abnormal, because that was what was found in the polyp in my colon.

It was 3mm and small and its abnormal and precancerous.

I didnt know whether I was to be happy or otherwise. I certainly was taken aback, but I was also relieved.

What did I do to bring myself here or to make cells abnormal? Questions were running in my mind—when did this happen? why or what made this happen? how fast was this happening and how much more or faster cells can change?

And most importantly, what can I do to make them normal?

After all the clean eating, clean use of products without chemicals. What exactly made cells abnormal?

It appeared to me that whilst external factors made a difference, what really made impact was the sense of inner peace or ease.

I m sure stress was a stimulus but what made the difference was how i took to stress or to things or to life.

Was I calm, grounded and centred ? No.

I began to inspect my life, my work, my family.

I remembered while I was going to be pushed in for the scope, my heart trembled a little, because I knew I had unfinished business, i had things to resolve with my father, or for that, myself.

I bore a grudge still and I wanted to have the chance to resolve it. At least, make it better.

I have no regrets about my family, i think i have devoted myself enough to my husband to my children.

As for work, I gave wholeheartedly, it brought me to many wonderful places and i had the chance to meet many wonderful people to learn from them. Work was my teacher that inspired me, and broadened my life. It gave me joy.

What i had to do was to manage work time and how it affected me when things did not go my way.

And I began to realise, once again, that it is taking responsibility for my own feelings. That is how I can not let others affect me. Real inner peace and stability comes from taking responsibility for myself.

I fell asleep not knowing when. The nurse just said, this is for the anaesthesia. And I woke up not knowing what was done.

But I felt something was.

And true enough, polyps were removed in the stomach and in the colon. I was relieved and worried all at once.

Relieved because it was polyps, and worried because there were polyps. But I felt that i earned some time, and was given some time.

The biopsy said that the polyp in the colon is abnormal but not cancerous.

I was relieved this was discovered, should I be happy?

But what did i do to bring myself here? In the last 3/4 years i had endoscopy and colonoscopy as well, and they turned out fine. All was good, so what did i do in these 2 years.

I was angry, frustrated with my husband, I was under stress for work. I was taxing myself too much.

With my knowledge and wisdom, I felt it was a part of the mental that has to be realigned, or simply straightened out.

Now that I m given time, I feel that I have to change some orders or mental pathways I had put in place and reinforced unwittingly—– to shake things up.

To create a new order or system.

That was why after the scopes, I had an urge to tell my boss, I want to devote time to doing things that matter to me. To discover people’s light and to share them. Its not chasing after money.

I had the desire and the urge to step out and change my life. To give my cells a new lease of life, to breathe and get air.

The old ways have been stifling and suffocating, suffocating both my soul and my body. It is showing up and inspiring me to change.

I give thanks for this opportunity and I want to make good use of this.

 

 

1

每一分都是花红

前阵子腹胀难耐,去看医生时说了以前CA19.9超出水平。最后一次检验是两年前离开报馆前。指数从之前的高分落到41,比起正常的<38多出3点。

最近一次检验是72。

医生要我去照胃照肠,确保一切正常无误。

到最后找回了以前的专科医生Dr Gwee。见面时他依旧是那样的温柔有礼:“那天我想起你了。”

我说你想我干嘛?你想我我就得来了。

说了最近的不适,医生问我,觉得为什么肠胃会那么不舒服?

我说是冷,还有饿。

最后决定,去照MRI,看清楚腹部里面的一切,并且去做照胃照肠的程序。

自己一个人去做这件事。

想起上一次,告诉自己,要借着这个机会,突破以往。不要重复了。一个人在等待程序时,难免紧张,心生害怕。

我告诉自己,这些害怕都是以前累积的吧,以前面对窘迫的情况时的害怕————我一向以来最熟悉的心理反映。

这次跳出来。

我不需要它。我感谢它。

在这样一个时候,自然会想起心还没有放下的东西,还在挂碍的东西,那就是我和父亲。我们还没有好好的整理之前的“情况”呢。

在这样的时候,一切的执着显得那么的微不足道。我觉得自己好愚昧无知。

这么多年来,因为无知,因为执着,绑住了爸爸,更糟的是————我一直绑住自己,都没有让自己自由和呼吸。

那一刻我说我要原谅爸爸,原谅自己。

放下一切的执着。

然后想起一路护持的诸佛菩萨,一一念请,与我同在,保佑加持疗愈,让我平安,成绩正常。

然后睡着了。

醒来之后小休,再去做MRI。

想起Mingyur Rinpoche说,他也曾经做过类似的实验,目的是让科学家去检验禅修对于他的生命所带来的种种好处。

我被推进MRI的检测器里,心想,人生最后要面对的,好像也是这样。

过程是一个人。

一个人和自己的一生,和自己一生经验的一切。

然后专心练习禅修,专心听医护人员的指示。然后是等待成绩。

医生说,MRI显示一切正常,只是背部的左边里,有一些cyst,在胃里取出几个polyp,在肠子里取出一个polyp。送去检验后,显示这些正常,只是有点gastric的情况。大肠里头的polyp,有点超出正常。所幸没有什么大碍。医生建议,2年之后再去照胃照肠。

走出诊疗所,大大吸了一口气。偷来的。恩赐的。

馈赠。

感谢这个机会。

前一天参拜,告知菩萨,工作上最近有个全球总监的机会,请菩萨给予指示。我不知道要如何看待这个机会或机缘。

想起最初,想做一个故事人的企图心,想把厨师内心的故事和光,勾引出来。温热大家。

让世界更温暖更光亮。

有了这个机会,就要全力以赴去做这一件事,把光和热,找出来,带出来,这就是Speak Myself,这就是我的name,这就是我的mission。

我需要这个机会。

我好像也还没有好好消化这件事。只是刚才在厨房看着夕阳,再一次感受到————每一分都是花红。每一分都是馈赠。都是恩赐。

因此每一分,都要做心里的事,说心里的话,这才能充分把握。

也告诉自己,要保持觉知和觉察的能力,要努力保持身体健康还有家人的健康,为自己也为他们努力。既然把握到从这里离开,不要再给自己机会回来。

Om。

0

What is that in you (ii)

Went to meet up with my friend and spent the night listening to what she has been through the last few weeks.

She poured out her emotions on having to deal with her ex, her daughter and her colleague or subordinate who was diagnosed with the last stage of cancer.

She shared with me how she dealt with everything and teared up.

It was great she shared.

I listened, and with a lot of fear and trepidation. I tried to listen with awareness and at my best, do listening mediation.

That night i felt my arms and legs wrought with fear, and a lot of it.

Like a mini panic attack of sorts, i felt my limbs go weak go numb with lots of needles. I felt emotionally drained.

I couldnt sleep well and woke early this morning. Then i was so tired out I slept in the afternoon and only woke up in the evening finding myself better. Before that my tummy was full and I couldnt digest things.

I had my first meal of the day at 7pm.

And now feeling better, i want to try and make sense of this in the way I could best—writing it out.

This little exercise showed what is that in me.

My fear about about cancer, about life or the death of it.

Recently i had been listening to so many cases of illness, there were Facebook friends who were further away, and there was a contact who shared during lunch that she was down. Then my ex colleague, my friend ‘s subordinate.

I had a rising sense of fear.

It seemed so easy. SO so easy.

What was the universe or life trying to tell me—was this an alert or a wake up call? what was the message behind?

Impermanence was definitely one.

And for me, my fear about illness about life or the death of it. That I couldnt understand or haven’t spent heart trying to make sense of.

Childhood memories of grandfather, who seemed to pass away with liver failure. Then when i was bigger, my maternal grandma who had colon cancer. My mother who passed on when she had a viral attack on the heart in a bad bout of flu. My paternal grandmother who has it in the later stages of her life, but facing it with so much courage and bravery.

I thought of the friends who have recently battled the illness and those who have passed on. Everyone’s story is different.

Why did they get ill?

With limited wisdom and ignorance, and framing in a shorter span of a lifetime, it could be stress, unhappiness and something in life that has gone awry, more like a mental or emotional kind of wrong that has showed up in a different light physically.

In a longer frame, karma? Like time is up.

Something I thought we do not have control over. But as I m writing it now, maybe we do.

Recent stories showed me little bits of why people fell, in life. There was work stress, there was stress for bringing up kids with problems, there was stress with dealing in a boss who sucks and people who have succumbed because mentally they seem to have succumbed to unhealthy thinking or refused to budge or change or breakthrough.

And these are the mirrors in life, that reflect back and make you ponder about yourself. As they say, life is a reflection.

They show you what worked and what did not. What else can be changed and pushed for in my own.

I thought about myself.

I havent really digested my mother’s death, maybe because i didnt know her in life. Her life, her thoughts and emotions.

And her life came and went.

And everything went through but wasn’t experienced.

I did not or have not taken life “seriously”, I did not venture in to think perhaps why there is life, and or —-the purpose of meaning of it.

I ran away and is running away in a “flight” response.

But the recent stories have unsettled me and made me realise that I can no longer use the same response. Or rather, the old response no longer serves me.

I thought about myself, my understanding and of life.

I did not dare and has not face up to the real meaning of life. I was successful in my work and have aced my way through the best educational institutions.

But certainly there was so much more in life I didnt know.

So when I listened to these stories of people getting sick and falling down in life, they were stories and I didnt understand the meaning of it.

And the meaning was to really go for what matters, in my little life, to make sense as much of happenings, to dissolve and resolve unsettled past and emotions, to really spend time on things that matter. Not going after the the name of it.

Its also about conviction, belief and pushing for things you really believe in and expressing your soul and your self, and not being afraid of it.

Its about getting to the root living it rather than living in the surface of it.

And really living it out and up what matters to me.

Its about not just spending time, but devoting the insides of yourself, your time, your thoughts and emotions, your breath your soul—–truly and wholeheartedly to causes that matter.

My family, my kids, my siblings, my dad, my extended family. As for money, I do need it, but i think that, can be taken care of with suitable planning and savings.

Om ma ne pad me hum.