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Healing XXXXiv

和弟弟妹妹去了东京,回来后特别累。莫名其妙,好像没有了一个重心。

我很久都没有这么累了。

但是整个行程,都是弟弟妹妹策划安排的,他们开车,我在后面睡觉,钱包交给他们打理,怎么用也无所谓。我什么都没有做到。

就是让他们去。我就做回我自己。

随心:

我们在午夜的东京散步,凌晨时分去吃一蘭拉面,去吃米其林三星的龙吟,去吃了32粒寿司。花了很多钱。生平第一次,这么愿意花钱吃。好奢侈。

奢侈的是——愿意这么做。

给家人,给自己。

奢侈的是这些机会,奢侈的是我们的相遇。我们的缘分。当然,还有这一次的旅行。

但是回来后特别特别特别累。

想去见老师。

放下:

我跟老师说:“弟弟要结婚了,我有一种要把他嫁出去的感觉。有一点emotional。好像舍不得什么。我和弟弟相差8岁,小的时候,虽然我们有帮佣,但小小的我已经懂得喂弟弟吃饭。这次旅行……我就在车后睡觉,太累了,我们在半夜去吃拉面,想做什么就做什么。”

然后就哭了。

老师很sharp,我说出来了也觉得自己,原来在那么小的年纪已经懂得母性,和照顾弟妹,或者说,单扛这件事。

我说,妈妈去世以后,我陷入低潮,在最破碎的时候,是弟弟一句话就了我,他说:“我只有一个大姐。”

老师听了说:“弟弟失去妈妈是很大的打击,他也不想失去你。但你没有发现,这句话对你的意义?”

“妈妈过世的时候,你有没有对她说过这样的话——-比如,你放心地走,我会照顾这个家,照顾弟妹和爸爸?”

当然有。确实是这样说的。

“这些年,你就是信守这个承诺,但是Yen,弟弟要结婚了,他长大了。和以前不同了。你可以让他,不需要再像那些年一样,负责他。可以就像这次的旅行一样,让他们去负起一些责任,去策划去安排,你——可以回来做自己,不顾一切,想做什么就做什么,松懈下来做自己。”

原来是这样:

原来是这样。我没有想到我的累,原来是如此。

就是妈妈去世以后,自己扛下来的担子,这么多年了,我居然没有发现自己一直那么用力用心去信守这个对妈妈的承诺。燃烧自己去那么做。

就是这个累!

所以弟弟要结婚了,不舍得他。

虽然没有为他煮饭洗衣,但就是在用心去确保他好。用心好累!所以他要结婚,好像妈妈一样。一方面在骄傲他的成长,一方面在舍不得他就要离开我的羽翼我的翅膀。好像以前什么事都是我看着,不舍得他要自己去负责这么大的人生。

不舍得他会受伤。

原来是这样:

老师说:“Yen,想象你妈妈的灵魂就在这里,你可以跟妈妈说,妈妈,这些年我做到了我答应你的事。我信守了我对你的承诺。现在弟弟妹妹长大了,我的责任完成了,我现在可以放下这个承诺了。我可以回来我自己这边了。”

原来是这样。

真的也是这样。感觉妈妈肯认了。不拖不欠了。

同事的决定:

我跟老师说,昨天同事决定辞职了。我不知所措。因为我看着她,想到自己,有一部分她很像我,是让她去,还是留下她?

老师说:“其实你不需要想这么多,不然你会很累。会很挣扎。你不需要负起那样的责任,她的成长的责任。我之前提醒过你,不是每一个人都要spiritually awaken,每个人都有自己的一个spiritual journey和pathway,你不知道那会是怎么样的一条路。所以你不需要去担心或者为这个操心。自由安排。”

在公司的环境里,你需要她,你就可以照实说出来,其他的不需要想的太多。

我把我写给同事的电邮念出来,也把同事的回复念出来。看她写的电邮回复的时候,我突然有了答案,那就是———让她去。

让她去走她得走的路,trust the process.

让她寻找自己。这就是她需要的。这才是她需要的。

只是念到她的文字的时候,我真的很感动,再一次体验到文字的感染力,和承载情绪的力量,同事妹妹说:“你是我打从心里喜欢和想学习的对象。你要加油,继续做一盏灯。”

读到这里,真的真的很辛苦,好像从很深的地方有一个我在愤怒,在嚎啕。是呻吟,是愤慨,是感慨,是不满,是这一切,混在一起。

我说,我不要做明灯,为什么我要做明灯?我懊悔着过去,我怎么把我的生命我的时间花在做一盏灯,这样的一件事上面。时间不能重来了。我不要,我只要妈妈回来。

我懊悔失去的光阴,自己的愚蠢愚昧。

但我也明白,这是我必须走的路。不然怎么来到这里。

呻吟时的痛楚难耐,我想到khadro-la,看到她的脸。仿佛好一些。

那大大的哭,让我手脚耳朵都麻痹了。原来我都没有在听,没有在过生活,只是努力在负责人,努力在做一盏灯,努力在燃烧自己在给,在奉献,用我的生命我的灵魂去做这样的事情。

然后在自己周边的生命中,也努力让自己是灯的事被照见,希望别人也成为灯。

有错吗?没有。

还要这样吗?很确定————不要。不需要。没有了这个担子,可以更轻松。自在。我向往这样的自在。轻盈的。

老师就让我哭。一阵以后,说:“我要你把双脚踩在地上,感觉到土地。感觉到有一股力量在支撑你。

有两件事,我想要帮你做,第一个就是,你必须必须,放下你对妈妈的承诺,你已经做到了,弟弟妹妹长大了,他们可以为自己负责,你不需要扛那么多的东西在身上。放下这一些,回来给自己。做回彬雁,我看到的是,你一直在给,一直在给。你干枯了,但有一部分的你,是多么需要被滋养,你也有需要的,也需要被照顾。Remember to Breathe! Air is free.”

灯:

老师说:“其实灯是这样,它自然而然就是亮的。没有刻意去做什么。”

但是为什么你做灯做了会累?应该不会的啊?有没有发现——灯不需要刻意做什么,它亮起来的时候,自然能够照亮他人。点亮他人。

————所以把自己照顾好,你做好自己的时候,自然而然能够照耀身边。

你给妈妈给家人的承诺,让你扛起很多背负很多,可以了。可以放下了。是时候回来自己的身边。

循环:

我很老师说,我的生命出现循环了,为什么?上次是香港的米其林晚宴,写电邮,这次打电话。上次是谢霆锋,这次是蔡依林,上次是一天过后收到他要参加的回音。这次是两个小时之后接到她要参加的讯息。

怎么会这样呢?生命要我学习的是什么?

老师说,第二次的发生,和上一次那么的相像,因为我把上一回的经历投放在未来了,一些未了的能量,所以衍生出第二次。

我说,但是第二次就是一个机会,让我可以有新的对待和处理方式。我可以突破。

老师说:“对!”

如果你可以有很高度的觉察能力,就能在事情发生的当下,观察得到自己的心情和情绪,然后高度aware地说:“这次不同。”

不断不断地提醒自己————这次不同。

钱:

我告诉老师,我不想重复上一次,比如,上一次免费,这次,我想收费。弟弟妹妹都说,这是额外的要求,老板要你做,你不需要做。

但我就是想。

我觉得可以这可以是一种亮点,可以是一种感动。

至于钱,你问我钱重要吗?它会给我造成改变吗,不会,但我要收费,因为不想让老板顺理成章觉得,这事得来容易。

老师又找到重点了:“为什么钱对你不重要呢?”

爸爸负债的时候,我给他很多钱,但我完全不知道那些钱去了哪里?我不想知道。

老师问:“怎么你都你不想知道?”

我说因为生气、很生气!很生气很frustrated,家里要扛的已经很多了,我不想再知道什么,我没有能力handle。shut off shut out!

老师说:“对!你有没有发现,你把钱equate with anger,frustration,所以钱怎么会来找你呢?你看到自己对金钱的判断了吗?

钱其实也是abundance的一种,但你就在shut out abundance。”

难怪我花钱花得那么多。去年薪水多了,但好像存不到什么钱。

老师说:“之前处理父亲债务问题这一块,牵扯到你生命中很多东西,是你必须要解决和解开resolve的。”

我说钱是我生命中的一大主题,好小的时候,衣食无忧,有一台钢琴一台电子琴。20岁的时候,家境清寒,陷入最低潮。

老师说:“你有没有发现,小时候无忧,不用知道钱,长大了最糟糕的时候,你也不知道钱,现在做生意,也不知道。但这些都是学习,都可以是spiritual practice,你的,就是如何把钱和creative结合在一起。你这么creative,你一定能有这方面的inspiration”

为什么会对金钱来说那么不在意?

我说,就像这次去日本,钱包整个交给弟弟妹妹,爱怎么拿就怎么拿。我没有概念。我说最近做了几单生意,也没有特别去追酬劳。

老师说,钱是来serve你的,但你对它就是有blockage,你就把它shut out了。试试看把皮包里的钱拿出来,摸摸它,看看有没有感觉。

我说没有。

我就在那一刻知道什么是shut out,什么是numb。因为我对金钱就是numb。之前它似乎带给我的都是苦痛。不只我,可能很多人都因为它苦痛。

我相信老师会说,这是因为我这么看它,所以会牵扯出这样的人生这样的造化。

老师说:“你相信我,你父亲绝对不会是那种一天早上睡醒,就说,好,我要刻意做这件事,破坏我的家庭。你爸爸不会这样的。他不会是开心的。相信我。究竟他的生活中发生什么事,让他做了以后的事?我们不知道,还需要去追究吗?追究能带来什么?事情过了这么久。

我们在处理这些不堪的往事时,可以这样理解,就是,情绪上出现一些事情,但是他没有能力去判断,然后有更大的一股能量推动他,让他做了如他那样的事。”

老师问:“可以不可以坦白告诉我————你觉得你原谅父亲了吗?”

我说没有。

听到老师说,我突然领悟到,原来我对父亲的不原谅,是一种对他的惩罚,是一种反抗和堵气。这是我从没有感受到的领悟。

我理解到,我实在生很大的气,然后反抗,报复式的————你的所作所为伤害了我,影响了我,造就了我,给我这么痛苦不堪的人生,所以,我也要让你痛苦难过。

我很不愿意去看这样的自己,但事实上,我是这样。这样,而且一直以来,都花了这么多的时间在过我的人生。

然后那些灯啊、美好的,完美的,都是为了掩饰这一些黑暗的我。虚伪。造作。

我是这样没错。

需要这样批判自己吗?还要鞭挞自己吗?————不需要。因为不能带来什么好处。

老师听了,点头。

但是你也在惩罚自己。

我提到一段。

我记得有一回写报林西施的专栏后,表姐来电,说了一轮,告诉我曾经在外头看到爸爸和其他女人在一块。我还记得表姐说,她上前去说我爸爸,但我爸爸反而要她管自己,警告她,不要对妈妈说。

后来一次,和姨妈谈起,好像也说了相关的事。

那样的透露,对我来说是很大的冲击很大的打击。完全破坏了我对父亲,特别是妈妈经营的,父亲高大完好的形象。

——写到这里我才明白,我也是这样在经营我的形象。

我记得有一段青春期的时间,爸爸很晚回家,妈妈站在窗前看,有没有车子开进来,然后深夜打电话给爸爸,无奈又生气,几乎是哀求地问——你在哪里?为什么还不回来?我在等你你知道吗!

仿佛昨天。

这些都刻印在我的心坎里了。好难。

我想把这些不满说出来,我想问,但我又不想妈妈难过伤心,我不想破坏表面上的和谐平静。我不想拆穿谎言,看到破碎、裂痕、伤痛。

小的时候,和青春期,我都看到妈妈在给,爸爸在拿。对比之下,都在替妈妈不值,所以一直以来,一直在替妈妈惩罚爸爸,我不原谅,不能原谅,不要原谅。

我对老师说,长大了,我当然明白,两个人的情感这件事,但what about the deeper promises that has been made?what about the things that has been said? why is there deceit and betrayal? where did the love go?

我说父母的经历影响了我对这些比较深的core values的想法,比如说promise这件事。我看得很紧,如果我答应了,我就要做好,有责任做好。完成我的承诺。

老师说:“让我从另一个角度说给你听,其实在一定程度上,你的父母的相遇还有结合,已经是一个灵魂与灵魂上面的合约,他们已经信守并且完成了对对方的承诺。如果你相信灵魂会轮回,他们的相遇本身就是前一世带来的,他们可能有一些未完成的,所以这一世相遇,manifest出发生的一切,完成了。他们之前的一切发生也是为了另一个原因,另一个bigger lesson”

老师建议:“我相信你爸爸经过这一切,也不是快乐的,你妈妈的去世也是。但是如果你可以从这些事情的发生去理出一些东西,自己可以从中学到什么?领悟到什么,就能make good这一切一切的发生。”

我说:“真要这样吗?一定要这么决绝的事情发生让人学习吗?”

老师说,尽管他很不愿意这么说,事实如此。他也希望人不需要经过那么多的苦难,但事实是,苦难中学习。

突然想到经文,原来经文如此美好。如此慈悲,如此有智慧。

老师提出一个要点,要我好好听————家里不是法院,你不是法官,不需要下判。这样的处理方式行不通。

理性上我能了解。

不会拿:

我说我最近跟老板要了一瓶酒,想试试看,结果老板真的给了我一瓶好酒,但我也不会去拿。

老师说,老板给你了,你就应该拿,这就是一种acknowledgment,过后要怎么做是另一回事。

为什么我不会拿,为什么我一直给?

写着写着突然明白————小时候我看到妈妈等爸爸,爸爸跑路的时候,我看到妈妈承受一切,我看到妈妈生病的时候,爸爸居然说她还没好他不能去开德士那一类的话。我很生气。怎么你都没有照顾我妈妈?

我一直看到妈妈在付出,爸爸错了一次又一次,妈妈还是愿意给,还是那样在爱,在包容。为什么要包容。

然后我开始明白,为什么我一直给,不会拿?因为我妈妈就是这样,我只会这样,我在重复她。

但原来我不需要重复她。我可以有自己的轨迹。

老师说,如果你不学会拿,也很难会给。你不懂得给自己,又怎么会懂得给别人?

做自己:

原来我不需要这样。这样,不能serve我。我只是在毫无awareness的情况下,重复了刻印到我身上的价值、行为、处事作风。

但这些都不是我。

所以不能成就我。

老师说,他要帮我的另一件事,就是学会去看金钱,接触金钱。学会去照顾自己的需要,知道自己也需要,学会收获。

“试试看再拿钞票出来,感觉有没有改变?”

有哦,而且好像有花香的感觉。

老师说:“一般把钞票送出去的时候,我都会bless一下钞票————但愿收到你的人,也接到祝福。你想想,多好!还能把祝福送出去,这就是把情绪和判断转了转。

Yen, 你很有创意,你的创意是源源不绝的,abundance。根本不需要去做什么都已经有很多的创意,你可以创意地对待人生。”

用创意去跨越,去突破过去,甚至用创意去原谅,用创意去做自己。

老师说:“learn to acknowledge yourself, each time you do a sales, pat yourself and say well done, i want you to learn to be grounded, each time you have the awareness to say, this time its different, breathe, let nature integrate you.”

老师说,要紧系大地,大地能够给很坚实牢固的力量。要记住。

然后问:有什么东西,是能够support你的滋养你的?比如宗教、绘画等。可以去找这些做一做,因为你需要被滋养。

然后老师给了我一个拥抱。

“i’ll be here to support you.”

谢谢老师,帮我整理,帮我找到自己的footing。好累,原来我用我的生命去重复别人,因为没有awareness。

够了。

我想用创意去感怀去感谢这一切带来的启发带来的智慧,现在起,学会了解自己,做是自己的自己。

好多年前,马来西亚歌手阿牛接受访问后,就写了这样的一段文字给我————彬雁,努力做好自己,做是自己的自己。你现在,最关心什么?

 

 

 

 

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Healing XXXXiii

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好久没有去找老师了,但是看到老师,还是有一种非常非常亲切的感觉,他就是一个那么懂我的人。

我想找老师,因为想总结一下这一年。

一踏进房间,就看到这幅画面,都是我需要的东西。把关好的手机拿出来,慢慢拍,老实说,别急,我说,慢下来这件事,就是很多人不晓得。

老师笑了。

我说不知道从哪里说起,说什么,老师说:“一个可以配合这个时节做个总结,另一个,就是完全surrender yourself”

听到后者的时候,我完全就知道自己输了。那就是我需要的。

和老师说了团队的离开,是不是我的管理出了问题,不懂得管理?老实说:“我要你做这个练习,想想其他老板怎样,然后其他员工怎样。你是不是已经比起别人好很多了?”

老师提醒,很多东西已经会了的,一般不需要经历。

我明白他的话,我现在做这个工作,就是因为要我去学习当老板,也不是,但就是学习去承认自己就是authority。

而不是去把power给掉。

老师说,我在讲的时候,感觉到了我的愤怒,所以他立刻把我slow down,帮助我处理情绪。他说,很多时候,我们因为学佛,所以尝试换个角度去看东西,但可能在这个过程当中,没有处理情绪。

情绪没有被处理,收在里面,很容易在往后在周围吸引到同一类的人事发生,对我不好,所以一定要把它释放掉。

老实说,可以感觉到:“我对你这么好,为什么你背叛我?”

我跟老师说,我从来没有以老板身份压人,总是以一个长辈的态度去劝说,但是无效。老师的引导下让我看到,原来我把自己的渴望,特别是spiritual growth方面的成长,project在别人的身上了。

因为这是我的投射,并不是他们要的。

他们也是人。也有animal instincts。

我这才知道我得慢下来。我走的太快了。我得ground,因为我面对的大家是人,包括我自己也是。

我提到xtf。以前他的经理人看我的样子,还有他在晚宴上的表演,最终怎么被人吐槽。说到那点,觉得人在做天在看,有时也不需要我动手,老天都会帮我收拾一下。真的是大快人心!

然后谈到每每在工作上碰到瓶颈,没有答案的时候,也会在工作当中找到答案和安慰,就像是宇宙派来的使者一样。

比如robuchon,采访的时候他说:“if you would allow me madame, if you would allow me to offer my opinion, I think chefs these days do not do what they love enough. for myself, if I do not like a certain ingredient, I would not even make a recipe with it.”

还有访问刀王,他说的一段话很让我感动,:“一生人就是包容自己,要堅持,我今天做不到,明天做,明天做不到,我明年再做。我明年做不到,我就是一定要做到 ,做到別人心服口服,這就是堅持和忍耐,要包容好多東西,人家罵你你也得笑著,不是奸笑而是真真正正去面對對方,感動到它,做到了就交到一個朋友了

老实说,因为我在他的身上看到我自己。

看到坚持下去不轻易放弃的自己,看到passion这件事。和他的剪刀一样,铁打出来似的。

还有榴梿树带来的启发。榴梿树原来必须在树皮的部分受到创伤,里头的花蕊才能被揭发,才能在热浪的气候下,开花,结果。

我说,大自然就是切切实实的以最本来的面貌去告诉我们,受伤和开花,不过是一件事的两个面,或者一条直线上前后的关系。

太美了。太美了。这样看到这件事,我觉得很神奇,觉得很幸运,而且就是这样,我再一次被救赎。

我跟老师提起对工作的不确定,但老师认为,我其实很清楚自己要什么,包括采访的感动。老实说,能够从别人的嘴里讲出我要他们说的话,去感动别人, 这个是我的gift

我跟老师提起,给中国制作公司提供的创意概念,就是把大厨带到乡村,去感受民风,发掘朴实的食材,让最伟大的大厨在最朴实的环境中,找到自己。

老师问我为什么重要,我说因为大厨需要啊,在大城市里迷惘,但去到小乡村反而能够看清局面和自己。

我说这些journeys是重要的,我自己也在journey里面获得启发,而且这些可能是lifechanging的。至于村民为什么需要吃米其林大厨的菜?我说那是因为,good food should be made available to people.

我也提到要做买卖的事。老实说,其实金钱这件事也没什么不妥。他举例:“很多高人他们是不缺钱的,”

我完全知道他说什么。

就是,只要你很明确地知道自己的intention,那宇宙就会有助缘的力量。帮你完成。在我看来,我的intention可能clear,但就是对金钱的心态尚未调整过来。

调整过来了,一切就畅通了。那我那些一笔一笔的交易,就不成问题了。

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我问老师,要如何end off the year?

老师建议,回去看看自己这一年来的建树,肯定自己,看看做了什么事等。比如去印度、还有很多我给老师看的视频,那些都感动他了。

老师说:“给自己的肩膀几个拍打,嗯,我做了这件事,嗯我做了那件事……还有,冬至是相当重要的季节,因为就是收获,好好喝家人团聚,谢谢他们给你的支持。”

最后问老师,如何set intention?老实说,依照个人能力去期盼去pray。be gentle with yourself 🙂

0

Healing XXXXiii

一样的场景。

一样的光明,不一样的智慧。

去找老师了。

学到很多东西了。

跟老师说明了一切。一开始,只说了一点点,老师说:“慢下来,事情太快了。慢下来,我们先处理情绪。”

我哭了。

看到眼泪里的情绪。

老师说:“先给自己一点时间。去听听眼泪里有什么。”

我听到了。

有不服、frustration、有愤怒。

不服输。因为明明就已经把全部的心力做得最好了,但是别人不珍惜。

我说,在这件事里看到一个主题,那就是:authority。面对authority,我陷入trances,陷入过去了。

我说,我很认真很诚恳去看待他的看法和需要。结果我们做到了,他却说,不在现在签约了。

我拿我的真心出来,结果这样了。我受伤了。

我感觉自己的耳朵、手脚、身体有一种累。我跟老师说,现在跟你说着,全部那些都在身体里。

老师说:“你的心受伤了。take a few moments to look at your heart n listen to it. It wants you to be aware, it has been hurt. 把你的手放在心上。感知它。知道它。be aware of your heart n connect to your heart.”

我跟我的心说,辛苦你了!对不起,之前没有好好看到你。也非常谢谢你,一路以来的支持和相伴。我们还有很多路要走。我们一块加油!

老师把手放在我的背部,真的好像是有一只手在盛着我的心。

然后我感觉我的手脚有一股温柔的力量。那种轻飘飘的感觉没有了。右脚还有一种被修复的感觉。就是repair的感觉,an energy has come in to fill the lapse.

说也奇怪,这时候,我感觉自己又有精力,可以冲了。

老师提醒:“你需要修复休息。”

我这下才知道原来,我受伤了。

当下,想到皓皓几天前告诉daddy,I m going to mend it. 我看着daddy,daddy追问:what is mend?

皓皓说:“fix. I m going to fix it.”

还有皓皓两天前的早上,一睡醒就说:“mommy is in an ambulance.”

那时还不晓得,皓皓是在说这个。老师说:“你应该好好听孩子说话,那么sensitive。”

跟老师说:“我跟儿子说,有一个人想吃鸡饭,我花了很多功夫,买鸡煮饭找人询问做法等等之后,鸡饭摆在餐桌上了。然后那人却说,不吃了。”

我跟老师说,我跟皓皓说的话。

皓皓回说:“how come got this kind of people.”

轻轻的三言两语,疗愈了我。

是啊。不过是一碟鸡饭。

我煮好了那么完美的鸡饭,你却不吃,损失其实不在我的身上。那就整理一下,继续做好鸡饭,等着对的人来品尝。

我跟老师说,我写了一封长长的信。在里面表明我的intention,从来不是为了钱。我告诉xtf,如果你想突破、跨越,那就不能用旧有逻辑和系统去衡量或把持现在的行为。因为那套系统已经不能够帮助你跨越飞腾,反而成为束缚。那是不是要放掉它,编写一套新的程序呢?一套可以支撑你,让你跨越的新秩序。

这么说的时候,我想到了我自己。老师说:“能看到吗?你在米其林做的,都是非传统,比如把一个明星带进来。都是挑战旧有制度,那是很不容易的。把恨牢固的东西融化,需要很大力气的。那是需要过程的。与此同时,你自己也在面对一套旧有逻辑,这两者是并行的。所以你需要跨越,突破。”

那事情就成了。

我说,最有趣的是,我现在要把厨师艺人化。come full circle。

即使是智者,他们在传播真理的时候,也不是每个人都能接收得到。

我跟老师说起下属发脾气,情绪不和睦,我想了想,我总是在寻找better way out,最好些了电邮,先道歉。老师摇头说:”you r looking for the perfect way. There’s no perfect way. You cannot please everyone. Take a breath and let this idea go.”

you got to heal your feelings towards authority?

What do u think of?

我说,霸道、野蛮、不讲道理。

“所以你怎么会成为authority呢?”

我说我心目中的authority是有真知灼见,有内涵,有态度有想法,创造非一般的新局面,突破、创新,做从来都没有发生过的事的前行者。

老师说,那这个就是你的挑战。看看你生命中必经困难的事,这些都是你必须突破的,这就是你的life purpose。

所以就在这个点上面,你可以看到你怎么去transform,去突破你自己对authority的理解,成为你心目中那样子的一个authority。你可以做一个pioneer,一个role model。

创造属于自己风格的authority的definition。

老师提醒,你在米其林做的都是那么新的事情。

我说:“而且是让他们接受了。我何德何能?”

我说的时候,马上就了解到了真实的steadfast的intention,有多么巨大的力量。可以跨界,可以去到巴黎。

这件事让我惊讶,只要intention aligned,就能飞越、打破、跨越。

老师说:“不要怀疑你自己。不要怀疑你的intention。”

很多时候,很多智者,他们知道了会遭遇欺骗,被利用,但还是义无返顾。还是愿意。这反而能够帮助学生精进。

我跟老师说,老板也是一个authority。老板两次大发雷霆,我都接收,因为我能够明白他心里想法。我有一点是在hold the process。

老师说,确实。

老板两次发脾气,都对我道歉,最感动的是,老板说:“l don’t want you to feel pain when these people walk away with your deals.”

老实说:“因为老板可以feel your pain。”

我说到C辞职。我当下不知如何是好。用了几天时间消化。然后跟她谈。

我当时不晓得为什么,我不想轻易放掉C,但对着老师,我突然明白了。”

原来,C就是我的一股力量和支撑点,代表了我内心最纯真的一部分。我不想放她走,以为放走她就等于是放走最纯洁的自己,所以我不断留她,要不要再尝试?要不要再尝试。我相信你有热忱,没有什么办不到的。

老师要我花点时间去书写我对authority的看法。说不定会有所发现。

老师要我什么都不做,好好休息。因为好好休息了,才可以真正有突破。他说:“我不希望看到你的火灭,这股创意之火,我看到你如何发挥创意。但火有时候会在某些情况下受到影响,就是遇到挑战、障碍等等。所以很重要的是,休息。”

我跟老师说,我有一个“遇见中国”的梦。我想把每个领域里的第一位先行者,摆在节目中,在餐桌上让人遇见。

因为,餐桌是我的老师。是启迪我教育我让我发掘的地方。

所以我想把大胆跨越,挑战领域的先行者,让他们在餐桌上,点亮他人,启发他人,也挑战也跨越。

比如杨利伟。他冲破地球去到太空。太空,是什么味道什么气味。

你想品尝吗?

味道从来就是关于人生的。

先行者要做的,就是在节目中,让人感受到人生甜酸苦辣中的况味。

0

Healing XXXXii

Before 2016 ends off, I went for another insightful mind spa session.

Inspired by a colleague’s words, I wanted a closure to 2016.

I shared with Teacher how this year has been and how I have been looking for a team.

I remembered that experience talking to M, CY n Cherry. All with different years of experience and each sort of a reflection of me, at a different point in time.

As if reminding me not to lose my passion n that me in work.

I talked about M, and how she stands for responsibility.

I talked about CY n I got touched.

I’ve become more aware of my emotions, I stilled myself to listen to it, I sat with the emotions n teacher asked, what is it about CY that evoked the emotion?

It’s that sense of purity, simplicity n straightforwardness.

And teacher rightly pointed this, ” Yen , u r afraid of losing that part of u. But we grow, look at how far u have come along, our soul evolves and you r set for bigger things. I can see it already.”

I told him about how I have evolved to do concept selling or a salesman of sorts n I m taking this open mindedly. And that I m always balancing commercial situations with an educational angle.

But this is one of the most commercial situations I have worked with in my life since 10-15 years back when we had a financial situation at home.

Obviously I didn’t learn all that I had to, so circumstances have evolved to get me to face issues I needed to breakthrough.

I told him about the dream I have yesterday.

Are dreams accidental?

“Nope. Dreams are messages that are important.”

In my dream, I went into a temple of tablets with2 friends. Both of them disappeared n I was left alone, breaking thru doors n doors of tablets before emerging into light n seeing my friend. She is Yiling and she squeezed my hand, as if a nod to our friendship.

Teacher asked about the most obvious quality of my friend.

I said: “she is so obstinate so so so steadfast.”

He decoded the dream for me.

That a part of myself, the obstinate character in me is in need of some attention.

And tablets – the environment, was about things that have gone past.

“Are you holding on to things that do not serve you and your life anymore? Time to let them go.”

We spoke about my attitudes towards working. Such as me being fixated with judgements on money, commercialisation n how I should b creative totally and not be commercialized.

“But there’s nothing wrong with money. Or commercializing something. If u remember the movie Matrix, you would know what I mean. Matrix is such a deep movie but the creators were able to bring the ideas down to the mass levels so that people of the commons could access the deeper ideas. And I find it so amazing that the movie could combine such lofty ideas with commercial success.”

The inspiration is to break free n not approach anything with judgements. So that I can b totally free in the mind and heart.

Teacher reminded again, “there’s nothing wrong in commercializations but the intention behind it.”

The inspiration is again, intention n what you want to do. It’s also learning to bring yourself down to the level of the masses.

Teacher also mentioned the term ancestral healing.

“A lot of times, traits we carry are an inheritance from our ancestors…”

And I shared how my maternal grandfather was often billed as stingy or how calculative he would be as a businessman n everything is reduced to cents that cannot be compromised.

And I met this match in my new environment- my boss, who is a reflection of grandfather ‘s traits.”

“Learn to work n heal this energy . That would heal your ancestors n your next generation. Learn to make a change that will make a difference .”

I realized that opening my heart n a really open attitude n awareness is what will be crucial n helpful to making a difference.

I realized also that by having balances to commercial initiatives is a way my soul is creatively addressing this issue.

Teacher encouraged me to give a little wrap — and it wasn’t easy.

“it was this ups and downs, very intense ones, and then a straight line. I m happy to be here now, with the straight line. recently I had a swollen gum and a raw throat, and I suddenly began to enjoy a simple bowl of rice porridge. I had cut down on food and animal protein this year and if I had it, it would be too much for me to take.

I m happy to be here at this point in time.

But it was as if I had done nothing, everything was surreal and, unbelievable. 不可思议。我好像什么都没有做。一切来的那么容易。Everything came naturally. I didn’t do anything, I was just a passerby. And I happened to experience it. ”

The Divine had a hand in this.

But also I discovered something I did differently. In the ups and downs, I gave my presence to that moment, so when things passed, so did I. I was able to let it go easily. I didn’t hang on.

It was different from the past, when I was blocked and didn’t face up to the moments, and would have to relive those afterwards.

And teacher let out his angel cards for me.

“like how you mentioned the divine’s hand…let the divine do this too!”

and the spiritual quality I drew out was

Forgiveness.

I told him about hearing about my friend’s unhappy marital relationships and how I was reminded of my dad n mom.

Forgiveness.

The divine was spot on, it would be my learning for 2017, to learn to let go n forgive, dad n me.

“your dad didn’t have the awareness and wisdom like u have, he didn’t have the opportunity like u have. he ‘s almost acting under the influences of all he had before him. and although I do not know him, I know he did it for the family and he is feeling so so so so sorry about it”

I could feel how so so so so sorry my dad is in those moments and I told teacher that.

I asked for another card. and teacher suggested, “how about another quality that would support your finding forgiveness?”

I got Expansiveness.

Open mindedness, to distill yourself out of the environment you are in, and look at it from the outside. I m reminded of this realisation that dawned upon me as I was what sapping Xie YM.

置身其中,也要有置身其外的心情。

I also told teacher, I feel like I m looking for something, even if I have formed a core team at work.

Teacher felt that too.

I told him about the lack of support I felt in work.

To which he replied,” the real sense of support would be felt if one’s purpose is aligned to the core. Nothing very much to do with the external environment really.”

And today, miraculously, I knew what I was looking for.

IT WAS BF’S SUPPORT.

I’ve aways had this sense of worry or uncertainty about bf’s feelings towards me working.

I finally popped the qns today and we had a discussion.

I had a sense that I had some, but not total unconditional support.

good enough for the time being I guess.

I m grateful.

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Teacher reminded me about the importance of self care.

“remember to have your bowl of porridge, thats a time for you to rest n settle and to recharge so that you can have your ideas when u need.”

 

0

Healing XXXXi

Went back to Mr Ng for a mind spa session after so long, i used to have these therapeutic mind cleansing sessions each month, but because of the work of late, I skipped a few.

I remember crossing the bridge with happy steps.

I was so so happy just to attend a session.

Because its for me, my truest me. I made time for me, that made me truly—happy.

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I spoke about all that has happened.

Trying out so many new things on a new platform.

Like doing a Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche Facebook Live, like realising a Friend of Michelin concept and getting Nicholas Tse to be the face.

Like receiving a message from his manager to say–if the opportunity arises, lets work together.

From being treated poorly by her, to receiving a message, it is such a compliment, it is the best reward.

It showed me that the values I grew up with, and my adhering to these values over the years, were correct. And I should stick to these, and pass them on. Even if the world has changed, even if people have strayed.

And to have Nicholas Tse in the kitchen with me and passing me a slice of french shallot and spanish cucumber.

I remember asking if I could have a gazpacho, but he said that the gazpacho would have to be marinated overnight.

But afterwards in the afternoon, he really got me some to try.

And after the whole event, he gave me hug to say, “Thank You, 我知道你辛苦了”

He shared the Friend of Michelin memento with me.

The whole process was fraught with difficulties and so so much. Like a miserable media attendance, like not getting the mandate, like having this idea deemed to have failed because of a lack of website hits, FB likes and etc.

Like not having the agreement ready and to run the risk of Nicholas being stopped by his agency to fly, when the event would be a few days away.

But i was grounded and i realised that i did what Mr Ng was doing. I was not emotional, I was aware and solidly grounded, and I held on to the process.

I hold and supported the process.

That was what was real. So real, that was my growth, my reality, my discovery,

MY BREAKTHROUGH.

i passed the test and is elevated now.

In the process of speaking to Mr Ng, I felt this silently gentle solid yet soft streaming energy or force at heart.

It was so quiet but so steady and sure, I had to listen to it.

It was grounding.

I felt it for the first time so clearly. It was like mother’s love, unending, ever so calm and peaceful.

And i realised how and why?

It was that i was at peace and one with the universe. not resisting, not intending, not managing or trying to alter anything.

Just one with the universe.

That was beautiful.

I repeated many times, that all that has happened is surreal, miraculous and unbelievable.

不可思议。

like a dream.

And Mr Ng added that everything that seemed so surreal was so because i m on the right path, and fulfilling or answering my life purpose.

And what was that?

“to be creative.”

To which I added,

To create these flashes of light, to touch to inspire and make a difference to lives.

i just want to do that, create these beautiful magical moments of light.

and why?

simply because i have experienced the beauty of it, these beautiful moments of light have changed me.

and i want others to feel it for themselves.

it would be wonderful to have created a difference, but just letting them feel it, that light would be brilliant enough.

I felt almost like a messenger of the divine.

they work through me, and that is how, people and things come into my life and continue to support my endeavour.

Mr Ng encouraged me to continue to work at that, listening and adhering to my life purpose, to bring light onto myself and others.

That would be truly what makes me, fulfils me. And to converse and work closely with the divine.

Unbelievable.

还是那句,不可思议。

 

 

 

0

Healing (XXXX)

很期待mindspa

每次都给我不同的启示和学习。

今天带着两个题目去见老师。

1)新工作

我说我是个写作的动物,但离开报馆,我居然一个字都没写。然后日子匆匆过去。来到今天。

我说,新的地方,有很多探索和发现。比如以前只是照顾内容,好的内容,有没有人看,不知道。但在这里,知道一件事的成功,是团队合作。比如和市场传讯部的配合等等。也因为更清楚这个大系统,懂得不要骄傲自大,明白事情的成功,需要多方面配合。

也进一步认识新公司。知道他们是注重数字的。这点和我最不像。但也是这样,抵触的让我知道,我需要在哪方面再开拓自己。这是机会,成长的机会。

老师抓紧了这一点。问我,为什么会对数字不敏感?

我说,也许之前替父亲还债,到今天为止,还了多少我都不知道。也不想。

我说我到现在还是不明白,为什么当时事情会发展到那个地步?

老师说,虽然对父亲不认识,但我们都是凡夫,都有lower aspect,都会犯错,都有兽性。

“你不明白,因为你没有看到这件事带给你的好处。”

确实。我到现在也只看它给我的负面影响。

不过经老师这么一说,好像真的看到了好处。也真的看到了这件事没什么大不了,根本不需要挂心。

尽管这件事让我成长、自立,但我都没有把这些算在内。

“其实你也没有怎样。事情也过去那么久了,原谅也说不上来。那你就必须要明白。这件事对你造成的影响,塑造出今天你处事生活的模式,这些还能帮助你吗?还能serve你吗?如果不能,那就放掉。”

Inner Child或Wounded Child

我们在很大程度上都是wounded child。我们的行动、思维、生活、遭遇。

我们小时候还不懂事的时候受伤。然后记忆和consciousness停留在那个时候,以后碰到类似事件,那个受伤的小孩再出来演练最初受伤时的应对能力。

所以我不断复制过去的悲伤。

重复受伤时当下做出的判断。

比如爸爸欠债时,我立刻本能地反应,跳出来要解救,但情急下忘了honour自己的感受。我block掉自己的情绪。去解救别人。到现在也是这样,人家一开口,我就有一种有求必应的情感,好像不那么做就不舒服。

老师提醒,要承认和觉知这个inner child,并且时时提醒自己,那样是过去不是现在。不断回来做这个练习。从而加大和higher aspect的相处时间。

另一个可以改善的方式,就是回到当下事情发生时,把当时没有说、做的一系列unfinished business做完/说出来。

我说,现在才知道以前生活简单。只需要照顾内容。现在要照顾的更多,但也在学习,很多要吸收的。还在发现。

过去好像一只系上绳索的大象,现在松绑了,不会跑掉。我发现自己失去很本能的东西。

这些在接触新事物时产生出来的碰撞,带来的各种信息,让我有很多的体悟和学习。

但也开始看到,空间那么多那么大,可能性无限,只要不设限,没有什么是不可能的。只是,你愿意走多远?要走多远?

比如新的办公室,很开放的布置。人与人之间完全没用阻隔。以前我们都有自己的cubicle。这样一个新的openness我也在熟悉当中,仿佛一种时时刻刻的提醒。要我不断打开、开拓、伸展。

我说开工的最初,我完全是lost、不知要如何hold这个space的。

老师建议,跟新的地方、公司、家具等建立关系。cocreate with the space

几天前这么写:

我居然没有记录离开报馆这件事。

然后就来到了8月1日,踏入新公司,展开新旅程。

事实上,今天5日了。我在新的公司5天了。

今天同事谈起之前在报馆运用的输入系统,我一时忘了,不过非常开心。

有一种释放掉的感觉。

加入新公司,一天下来,有很多的学习。有很多新的人事物,让我应接不暇。

应该也有很多情绪。隐隐约约。

比如,可能这家公司和我个人的价值或意愿/趋向不太一样。这是一个数字的地方,我是一个情感的物体。

比如,这样的抵触形成一种挑战,这就是我要学习面对的,work with的。这就是我的学习。

比如,很多我不懂得,但我享受其中。有多久了我不懂?有一种回到原点的感觉。

比如,我开始意识到,原来我没有带着负面情绪上班,对某人某事。纯粹就是来开工写故事学习。

生活一下子变得复杂也变得单纯。

我在摸索,在探索。

可能因为这些想法,我没有特别兴奋,没有特别有新的感觉

但我特别喜欢Michelle送过来的祝福,很触动我

Dearest PY,

Just saw your email on your new role and I’m very excited about the adventures and learning curve ahead of you!

 

Michelle

我回答说:

Dear Michelle

Happy Monday !

Thank you for sharing these sentiments, as a matter of fact, i m feeling the jitters too! Haven’t been without boundaries for a while.

她说:

Blaze your own trail…as you’ve always done. J

Michelle

然后我说

LOVE this advice! Keeping it zipped up!

Feeling grateful, 🙂

她说:

Keep inspiring – there’s no glass ceiling!

我感谢她,提醒我,原来我一直以来已经在走自己的路,我感谢她,提醒我,原来可以随心所欲,没有尽头。

我很感动。它让你记住,只要你愿意,海阔天空,任我翱翔。

过去工作上有人帮忙看着,我只顾在自己的一片天地开垦。原来那是一件多么容易的事。

我像是一只长期被系上绳子的大象,现在松绑了,也不会跑。

那是我的挑战。

现在就要学走然后跑跳。

慢慢渐入状况,开始有可以贡献给同事,创造价值的地方,然后慢慢的和这里产生默契。

我跟老师说,上一次我看到米其林三星餐馆的curtis duffy纪录片《For Grace》。当下被他的故事吸引,我想采访他。

结果真的有机会了。

老师说,他听了很感动。

我也被触动。

我说,我大概是看到他的故事,他的家庭故事坎坷,所幸身边有一位老师,一盏灯指引。现在是开花结果时。

我知道什么触动了我。是他的故事,给我力量。

2)家庭

加入新公司第4天早上,我做了一件我很后悔的事。也许我这一辈子都不会忘记。

我记得老师说,如果我不照顾我的愤怒,会有伤害我的地方。

星期一赶着下班,冲回家煮晚餐,给小瓜冲凉,喂小瓜,洗碗,让他们睡下,然后出来烫衣服,还要检查沁芝的心算功课。

我非常生气,觉得恨委屈,怎么,说好了要支持我,结果却是这样支持。

那天一早我马上准备了午餐晚餐,忙了一天,孩子睡下后,跑出来,看bf在沙发上喝酒,也不主动烫衣,那就算了。那连请他帮忙检查的心算,他也没有。

我真的火了,但我能怎么样?

那就烫衣,之后,检查心算。

星期二,bf因为怀皓生气,然后去睡。结果家务又是我。

星期三,bf和朋友出去喝酒。碰巧星期三,我偏偏回来有点迟。一回家,我马上准备晚餐。他吃晚饭就出去。洗衣机洗好的衣服响着,我有一桌子的餐具要洗,沙发上有折好但没有收进衣柜的衣服。两个孩子要照顾,8点钟快到他们得睡了。

我光火。边洗碗边感觉身体在发热。

我知道bf很少和同事出去喝酒,和同事bond也是必要的,但是不是可以在照顾我们一家大小之后?

我觉得我一个人在做这些事。

难道不可以稍微迟到半个小时吗?帮我们一把,不用全部,只是一把,也能减轻我的负担。但他没有。我觉得我们没有在他的第一位。

总是没有的。

一直以来,他的情绪都是最重要的,排第一,所以星期二生皓皓的气,然后一大堆事又不做了。

又或者他累,不想做就不做。

但一家人的生活不是这样的,是吗?我不累吗?我不更累?

星期三bf回来后我们聊,我把不满宣泄出来,他当然也不满,他说这不是沟通。

当然不是,因为是我在讲,沟通是双方的。他不讲话,不是沟通这也是他造成的,却变成我的错!

星期四,我如常在忙。

早上起来准备午餐晚餐。他也没有帮什么,可能前一晚喝酒累了,宁愿看手机也不花时间跟皓皓玩,宁愿闭眼休息也不帮忙皓皓洗刷,换衣。

皓皓嚷着要我陪他,我在忙着切菜,闹了一阵,他又拉我,说要看iPad,不刷牙。

他哭闹好一阵,时间快815am了,bf还是不出来帮忙。好不容易,让皓皓刷牙换衣了。让他穿鞋他不穿。

我去厨房,还有东西要收拾。连面包,也不帮我准备。

皓皓不肯穿鞋。

我一时间火了,哭了,然后开始丢东西,大声嚷嚷,半哀求半嘶吼半发泄。皓皓哭了。bf走出来,说:“你们到底怎么了?不要吓坏皓皓。”

转头对皓皓说:“皓皓你走吧”

然后对我说:“如果你受不了工作压力,那就不要做”

皓皓大哭。

我非常受伤。

他怎么可以这么对我的皓皓说话?

我抱着皓皓哭在一起。我跟皓皓说对不起,对不起皓皓。

我很后悔,如果我再忍一忍,这一切就不会发生。我害怕这对幼小心灵造成伤害,单就像老师说的,创伤会复制创伤,真的是这样。

发生了。

我非常的后悔。

我每次都是那么controlled的

结果这次忍不住了。

控制不了了。但我也是人。

我抱着皓皓,马上对他解释我之所以那样的原因,然后带他找bf,要bf道歉。

一切恢复平静,这是一种很奇怪的感觉

因为心里不可能恢复平静了。好像没有事,但事实上很多事都不一样了。

皓皓不会忘记,我也不会。

隔天,我抱着皓皓,我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,你还看不看ipad?他说:看。

我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,我会更好地处理自己的情绪。

皓皓听了我的话,哭了。可见,皓皓受到影响了。他受伤了。他知道事情发生了。

但是,流过的时间是不能收回的。不可能回到昨天。

那一天,我选择跟老师说,希望老师和皓皓谈。后来听老师说,怀皓跟老师说,皓皓和mommy哭了,也对公公说,皓皓哭了。至于为什么哭了,公公说:“皓皓没有说”

我很懊悔这一切的发生。

我对bf道歉,并且解释,我的气,是对着他,因为我一个人忙进忙出的时候,他并没有lift a finger to help,错不是皓皓。皓皓无辜地吸收了这些怨气。

我很后悔。大人的错,孩子受罪。

但另一边,我觉得我释放了什么,我觉得我打开了。从宽一点的的角度来看,我其实还觉得这是健康的宣泄。因为我一定要有时间和空间,真正做回自己。

我不认为发脾气就是不对的负面的。我甚至觉得可以表露自己在家人面前做最真实的自己,这是非常宝贵的。

我觉得一家人就该坦诚以对。而且一起成长。不需要掩饰什么。因为我们都不是完美的人。

我不想像妈妈那样,忘了照顾我们而掩饰什么,自己扛那么重,承受所有的压力。

只是,在孩子成为代价的时候,我特别后悔。

纵然如此, I m taking it constructively

这些告诉老师,老师说,隔天我对怀皓做的时光倒流练习,让怀皓释放了一些。这样已经做得不错。

他说:“好的是你不对自己有太多的批评。而且可以从另一更宽角度去看,是好事。情绪的松懈是好事,只是。不要让情绪伤害另一个人。但事实是,有很多东西我们真的没法控制。可以做的,就是弥补和减轻的工作。就像跌倒擦伤,马上处理伤口。”

老师说,虽然我没说,但可以感受到我的委屈还有对先生的不满。

我谈到他坐在沙发不动也不参与。老师说解释他的理解:“你认为他没帮助你,但他这么做,已经在帮你。这就是他shut out的方式。所以他也有一些blockage的”

Mind spa几个重要主题。

老师说,基本上我们现在的样子就是inner child就是我们生活经验的累积和成果。

不用做什么,inner child已经存在。问题是如何加强、增加我们和higher self在一起的时候

awareness!

-为什么我那么急着救人,碰到问题总是想帮人家解决。总是不顾自己、别人排先自己在后?

数日后

因为公事,急着抢救,又闹笑话,好尴尬。我不断批判自己的时候,突然看见那就是所谓的lower self和inner child

跳开看,这个机会让我看到我又急于抢救,再重复、加强这个习性的行为

正在思考,为什么为什么为什么?

突然想到,小时候妈妈带我和妹妹去普吉岛,在酒店游泳池,妹妹差点淹水,是我救了她。

可能当时也是我因为贪玩要去游泳,我不记得了,但妹妹当时更小,应该是我出的主意吧。

救了妹妹,但没告诉妈妈。也许这样,才那么急于救人。

还有,为什么我这么insecure

总是要和别人比

别人强一点我就有根刺

0

Let it move through us

Hearing the Cries of the World, by Mark Nepo

This story is so old we don’t know who told it or who it’s about, except that it speaks to all of us. We no longer know if it was a “he” or “she” at the center of the story. No doubt the story has grown for every telling. But for this telling, let’s call our central character Kwun and let her be a heroine.

One day Kwun crossed a valley and stumbled on a bloody scene. An entire village was laid to waste, the people torn apart. Walking among the bodies, her heart was breaking open, enlarging for coming upon the suffering. She was drawn, almost compelled to look inside their bodies and at the same time repulsed by the violence that had opened them. There was an eerie silence steaming along the ground. It looked like the fierce work of a warring clan. Suddenly, Kwun heard a terrible cry from the middle of the scene. She had to pull a dead man aside to find a woman barely breathing, clinging to her little boy who was bleeding from the head. Kwun fell to her knees and without thinking embraced them both, their blood coating her.

As the wind can lift the snow off a branch, the cries altogether can somehow lift the sadness off a broken heart.

The cry of the dying mother was as much from her own pain as from her powerlessness to help her son. When she saw Kwun, her cries grew worse. It was clear she was asking Kwun to take her boy. At first, Kwun shook her head, unprepared for any of this. The dying mother clutched Kwun’s hand and fell away. The boy was unconscious, still bleeding from the head. Wherever Kwun was going before stumbling into the valley, that life, that plan, that dream was gone. It was too late to close her heart and walk away.

St. Paul Healing the Cripple at Lystra, Karel Dujardin, 1663

She lifted the little, bloody boy and, though he was unconscious, Kwun covered his eyes as she walked over the rest of the bodies, leaving the village. Carrying the boy, she began to cry, feeling for the mother who had watched her man die and her son be bloodied, and feeling for the boy who, if he woke at all, would be all alone. She began to moan as she walked, keeping the cry of the mother alive.

By the end of the day, Kwun managed to climb out of the valley and, exhausted from the tasks of surviving, fell asleep at the mouth of a cave. When Kwun woke, the bloodied little boy had died in her arms. She didn’t know what to do, though there was nothing to do. She held him for a long time, then opened his little eyes, wanting to see what was left within him. And looking there, she began to feel the cries of the world, long-gone and long-coming. It overwhelmed her as she felt a pain that almost stopped her breathing. But she kept rocking the little one, certain the world would end if she put him down. Without her knowing, she began to hold the broken that would fill eternity, long before they would suffer: the stillborn, the betrayed, the sickly, the murdered, the thousands left to mourn. Letting them move through her began to open her heart like a lotus flower. And the cries of the world, though she couldn’t name a one, made her stronger. At last, she fell asleep again. While she slept, Kwun became a source of healing. When she woke, she spent her days touching the wounded, holding the dying, and keeping the cries of the world alive. The cries became a song she didn’t understand, other than to know that, as the wind can lift the snow off a branch, the cries altogether can somehow lift the sadness off a broken heart.

Wherever We Go

Kwun may be an ancestor of the Buddhist bodhisattva of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, also known as Kuan-yin, whose name means hearing the cries of the world. We’ll never know, but like rivers joining in the sea, stories coalesce and merge over time into the one story that remains, the one we each wake to, surprised it is ours.

Wherever we go, wherever we wake, we are challenged like Kwun to hear the cries of the world very personally. The cries are unending and overwhelming, and our noble charge to hear them—to hold them and keep them alive—is how we keep the life-force we need lit between us. As Black Elk says at the beginning of this chapter, the reason to lament is that it helps us to realize our oneness with all things, and to know that all things are our relatives.

This has never been easy; for grief is so challenging that it often blinds us to its importance. As the Sufi poet Ghalib says, “Held back, unvoiced, grief bruises the heart.”3 Try as we will, we can’t eliminate or solve these cries, for they are the song of existence. When we try to mute or minimize the voices of suffering, we are removed from the life-force that keeps us connected. If we get lost in the cries, we can drown in them. So what are we do with them? What is a healthy way to relate to them?

Kuan Yin as a sea goddess; from her flask pour the waters of compassion

I’ve found that whatever I go through opens me to what others have gone through. This is the gut and sinew of compassion. Our own ounce of suffering is the thread we pull to feel the entire fabric. Having pinched a nerve in my back, I can feel the steps of the elderly woman who takes twenty minutes to shuffle from the bread aisle to get her milk. Having lost dear ones to death, I can feel the weight of grief that won’t let the widower’s head lift his gaze from the center of the Earth where his sadness tells him his wife has gone. Having tumbled roughly through cancer, I can feel fear arcing between the agitated souls who can’t stand the wait. The fully engaged heart is the antibody for the infection of violence in the waiting room. I’ve begun to meet the cries of the world by unfurling before them like a flag.

I was in college, sitting with my grandmother in her Brooklyn apartment, when she fell into another time and left the room. She’d left an old photo on the table. It was of a young family posing in a studio in 1933. The parents seemed to have the whole world ahead of them. When she returned, I asked. It was her sister and brother-in-law and their small son. They lived in Bucharest. There was a long pause and an even longer sigh, “We saved and sent them steamship tickets to come.” She dropped her huge hands on her lap, “They sent them back, and said Romania was their home.” They died in Buchenwald.

It was pulling that thread that opened my heart to the cries of the Holocaust and from there, to the genocides of our time. Those cries plagued me, wouldn’t let me sleep. In time, I realized I was opening myself to the enormous suffering of history for no other reason than to feel the complete truth of who we are as humans. This is impossible to comprehend, but essential to let it move through us, the way the cries of the world moved through Kwun so many centuries ago.

Each of us must make our peace with suffering and especially unnecessary suffering, which doesn’t mean our resignation to a violent world. For the fully engaged heart is the antibody for the infection of violence. As our heart breaks with compassion, it strengthens itself and all of humanity. Can I prove this? No. Am I certain of it? Yes. We are still here. Immediately, someone says, “Barely.” But we are still here: more alive than dead, more vulnerable than callous, more kind than cruel— though we each carry the lot of it.

That we go numb along the way is to be expected. Even the bravest among us, who give their lives to care for others, go numb with fatigue, when the heart can take in no more, when we need time to digest all we meet. Overloaded and overwhelmed, we start to pull back from the world, so we can internalize what the world keeps giving us. Perhaps the noblest private act is the unheralded effort to return: to open our hearts once they’ve closed, to open our souls once they’ve shied away, to soften our minds once they’ve been hardened by the storms of our day.

Always, on the inside of our hardness and shyness and numbness is the face of compassion through which we can reclaim our humanity. Our compassion waits there to revive us. When opened, our heart can touch the Oneness of things we are all a part of. Then, we can stand firmly in our being like a windmill of spirit: letting the cries of the world turn us over and over, until our turning generates a power and energy that can be of use in the world.

Christ Healing the Blind, El Greco, c. 1567

Running from the Cries

Sometimes, being alive is so hard that we think it would be better to avoid all the suffering. But we can’t, anymore than mountains can avoid erosion. And there is a danger in running from the cries of the world. In extreme cases, our refusal to stay vulnerable can twist into its opposite in which we strangely get pleasure from the suffering of others. The German word Schadenfreude means just this. Such perverse pleasure derives from the utmost denial of being human; the way running from what we fear only makes us more violently afraid. Severely renounced, the need to feel doesn’t go away, but distorts itself. In the same vein, the term “Roman Holiday” refers to the grisly spectacle of gladiators battling to the death for the pleasure of the Roman crowd.4

This danger is insidious in today’s rush of incessant news coverage twenty-four hours a day. We can be brought into heartbreaking kinship in a second, as with the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City or the horrific massacre of twenty schoolchildren in Newtown, Connecticut. And like Kwun in the ancient tale, we can be compelled to look at the raw insides of tragedy to glimpse how tenuous our time is on Earth, while being repulsed by the violence that opens such a stark revelation. But if not careful, the endless replaying of tragedy from countless angles can push us over the line till we fall prey to that perverse pleasure of the Roman crowd.

To view tragedy beyond our feeling of it adds to the tragedy and turns us into dark voyeurs. Yet just as Kwun’s rocking of the lifeless, little boy enabled her to hear and feel the suffering of those yet to come, keeping our heart open to one torn life can enable us to hear and feel the cries of all who suffer.

Which side of reality we dwell in determines whether we are offspring of Kwun and Kuan-yin, descendants of those who keep the cries of the world alive, or offspring of the warring clan, descendants of those who gut whatever is in the way, who cheer the bloody spectacle. These twin-aspects of life are closer to each other than we think. The seeds of both live in each of us. It is our devotion to staying vulnerable that keeps us caring and human.

The Madonna of Charity, El Greco, c. 1604

True connection requires that a part of us dissolves in order to join with what we meet. This is always both painful and a revelation, as who we are is rearranged slightly, so that aliveness beyond us can enter and complete us. Each time we suffer, each of us is broken just a little, and each time we love and are loved, each of us is beautifully dissolved, a piece at a time. We break so we can take in aliveness and we dissolve so we can be taken in. This breaking and dissolving in order to be joined is the biology of compassion. The way that muscles tear and mend each time we exercise to build our strength, the heart suffers and loves. Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they come from, and we grow.

Our fear of such breaking and dissolving keeps us from reaching out, from stopping to help those we see in pain along the way, telling ourselves it’s none of our business. But no one can sidestep being touched by life and, sooner or later, the fingers of the Universe poke us and handle us and rearrange us. Running from the cries of the world makes the Universal touch harsh. Leaning into the sea of human lament makes the Universal touch a teacher. Hearing the cries of the world causes us to grow, the way every power opens for receiving the rain.

What Are We to Do?

The Life of Kwun and Kuan-yin calls, their simple caring in our DNA, though it’s never easy to cross into a life of compassion. Since the beginning, we have all complained, when weary or afraid of the power of feeling, that we have a right to happiness. Can’t we ever look away? Must we always feel guilty for those who’ve suffered beyond our control? But guilt is the near-enemy of true kindness. It won’t let us look away or let us give our heart to those who suffer because our lives will change if we do.

No matter how we fight it, life always has other plans and we are faced, when we least expect it, with the quandary of living softly in a beautiful and harsh world. Under all our goals and schemes is the sudden need to help each other swim in the mixed sea of joy and sorrow that is our human fate.

The truth is: my suffering doesn’t have to be out of view for you to be happy, and you don’t have to quiet your grief for me to be peaceful. Allowing our suffering and happiness to touch each other opens a depth of compassion that helps us complete each other.

There are always things to be done in the face of suffering. We can share bread and water and shelter in the storm. But when we arrive at what suffering does to us, there is only compassion—the genuine, tender ways we can be with those who suffer.

The Bodhisattva Guanyin. China, ninth century

Some days, I can barely stand the storms of feeling and fear civilization will end, if we can’t honor each other’s pain. But in spite of my own complaints and resistance, I know in my bones that openness of heart makes the mystery visible. Openness to the suffering we come across makes our common heart visible. If we are to access the resources of life, we must listen with our common heart to the cries of the world. We must forego our obsession with avoiding pain and start sensing the one cry of life that allows us to flow to each other. ♦

ENDNOTES

1. Joseph Epes Brown, recorder and editor, THE SACRED PIPE, BLACK ELK’S ACCOUNT OF THE SEVEN RITES OF THE OGLALA SIOUX, (Norman, OK: University of Oklahoma Press, 1953), 46. Black Elk was a Native American sage of the Oglala Sioux.

2. Abraham Joshua Heschel, THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S: THE INNER WORLD OF THE JEW IN EASTERN EUROPE (Woodstock, VT: Jewish Lights Publishing, 2001), 20.

3. Mirza Ghalib, translated by Jane Hirshfield in THE ENLIGHTENED HEART Stephen Mitchell, ed. (New York: Harper, 1989), 105.

4. The barbaric gladiator combats were extensively showcased in the Roman Coliseum, peaking in popularity between the first century BC and the second century AD. The Coliseum was built just east of the Roman Forum. Construction started in 72 AD under emperor Vespasian and completed in 80 AD under emperor Titus. Seating fifty thousand spectators, the amphitheater was also used for public spectacles such as mock sea battles, animal hunts, and executions.

From Parabola‘s 150th issue “Heaven and Hell,” Summer 2013. This issue is available to purchase here. If you have enjoyed this piece, consider subscribing.