0

Healing XXXXii

Before 2016 ends off, I went for another insightful mind spa session.

Inspired by a colleague’s words, I wanted a closure to 2016.

I shared with Teacher how this year has been and how I have been looking for a team.

I remembered that experience talking to M, CY n Cherry. All with different years of experience and each sort of a reflection of me, at a different point in time.

As if reminding me not to lose my passion n that me in work.

I talked about M, and how she stands for responsibility.

I talked about CY n I got touched.

I’ve become more aware of my emotions, I stilled myself to listen to it, I sat with the emotions n teacher asked, what is it about CY that evoked the emotion?

It’s that sense of purity, simplicity n straightforwardness.

And teacher rightly pointed this, ” Yen , u r afraid of losing that part of u. But we grow, look at how far u have come along, our soul evolves and you r set for bigger things. I can see it already.”

I told him about how I have evolved to do concept selling or a salesman of sorts n I m taking this open mindedly. And that I m always balancing commercial situations with an educational angle.

But this is one of the most commercial situations I have worked with in my life since 10-15 years back when we had a financial situation at home.

Obviously I didn’t learn all that I had to, so circumstances have evolved to get me to face issues I needed to breakthrough.

I told him about the dream I have yesterday.

Are dreams accidental?

“Nope. Dreams are messages that are important.”

In my dream, I went into a temple of tablets with2 friends. Both of them disappeared n I was left alone, breaking thru doors n doors of tablets before emerging into light n seeing my friend. She is Yiling and she squeezed my hand, as if a nod to our friendship.

Teacher asked about the most obvious quality of my friend.

I said: “she is so obstinate so so so steadfast.”

He decoded the dream for me.

That a part of myself, the obstinate character in me is in need of some attention.

And tablets – the environment, was about things that have gone past.

“Are you holding on to things that do not serve you and your life anymore? Time to let them go.”

We spoke about my attitudes towards working. Such as me being fixated with judgements on money, commercialisation n how I should b creative totally and not be commercialized.

“But there’s nothing wrong with money. Or commercializing something. If u remember the movie Matrix, you would know what I mean. Matrix is such a deep movie but the creators were able to bring the ideas down to the mass levels so that people of the commons could access the deeper ideas. And I find it so amazing that the movie could combine such lofty ideas with commercial success.”

The inspiration is to break free n not approach anything with judgements. So that I can b totally free in the mind and heart.

Teacher reminded again, “there’s nothing wrong in commercializations but the intention behind it.”

The inspiration is again, intention n what you want to do. It’s also learning to bring yourself down to the level of the masses.

Teacher also mentioned the term ancestral healing.

“A lot of times, traits we carry are an inheritance from our ancestors…”

And I shared how my maternal grandfather was often billed as stingy or how calculative he would be as a businessman n everything is reduced to cents that cannot be compromised.

And I met this match in my new environment- my boss, who is a reflection of grandfather ‘s traits.”

“Learn to work n heal this energy . That would heal your ancestors n your next generation. Learn to make a change that will make a difference .”

I realized that opening my heart n a really open attitude n awareness is what will be crucial n helpful to making a difference.

I realized also that by having balances to commercial initiatives is a way my soul is creatively addressing this issue.

Teacher encouraged me to give a little wrap — and it wasn’t easy.

“it was this ups and downs, very intense ones, and then a straight line. I m happy to be here now, with the straight line. recently I had a swollen gum and a raw throat, and I suddenly began to enjoy a simple bowl of rice porridge. I had cut down on food and animal protein this year and if I had it, it would be too much for me to take.

I m happy to be here at this point in time.

But it was as if I had done nothing, everything was surreal and, unbelievable. 不可思议。我好像什么都没有做。一切来的那么容易。Everything came naturally. I didn’t do anything, I was just a passerby. And I happened to experience it. ”

The Divine had a hand in this.

But also I discovered something I did differently. In the ups and downs, I gave my presence to that moment, so when things passed, so did I. I was able to let it go easily. I didn’t hang on.

It was different from the past, when I was blocked and didn’t face up to the moments, and would have to relive those afterwards.

And teacher let out his angel cards for me.

“like how you mentioned the divine’s hand…let the divine do this too!”

and the spiritual quality I drew out was

Forgiveness.

I told him about hearing about my friend’s unhappy marital relationships and how I was reminded of my dad n mom.

Forgiveness.

The divine was spot on, it would be my learning for 2017, to learn to let go n forgive, dad n me.

“your dad didn’t have the awareness and wisdom like u have, he didn’t have the opportunity like u have. he ‘s almost acting under the influences of all he had before him. and although I do not know him, I know he did it for the family and he is feeling so so so so sorry about it”

I could feel how so so so so sorry my dad is in those moments and I told teacher that.

I asked for another card. and teacher suggested, “how about another quality that would support your finding forgiveness?”

I got Expansiveness.

Open mindedness, to distill yourself out of the environment you are in, and look at it from the outside. I m reminded of this realisation that dawned upon me as I was what sapping Xie YM.

置身其中,也要有置身其外的心情。

I also told teacher, I feel like I m looking for something, even if I have formed a core team at work.

Teacher felt that too.

I told him about the lack of support I felt in work.

To which he replied,” the real sense of support would be felt if one’s purpose is aligned to the core. Nothing very much to do with the external environment really.”

And today, miraculously, I knew what I was looking for.

IT WAS BF’S SUPPORT.

I’ve aways had this sense of worry or uncertainty about bf’s feelings towards me working.

I finally popped the qns today and we had a discussion.

I had a sense that I had some, but not total unconditional support.

good enough for the time being I guess.

I m grateful.

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Teacher reminded me about the importance of self care.

“remember to have your bowl of porridge, thats a time for you to rest n settle and to recharge so that you can have your ideas when u need.”

 

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0

Healing XXXXi

Went back to Mr Ng for a mind spa session after so long, i used to have these therapeutic mind cleansing sessions each month, but because of the work of late, I skipped a few.

I remember crossing the bridge with happy steps.

I was so so happy just to attend a session.

Because its for me, my truest me. I made time for me, that made me truly—happy.

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I spoke about all that has happened.

Trying out so many new things on a new platform.

Like doing a Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche Facebook Live, like realising a Friend of Michelin concept and getting Nicholas Tse to be the face.

Like receiving a message from his manager to say–if the opportunity arises, lets work together.

From being treated poorly by her, to receiving a message, it is such a compliment, it is the best reward.

It showed me that the values I grew up with, and my adhering to these values over the years, were correct. And I should stick to these, and pass them on. Even if the world has changed, even if people have strayed.

And to have Nicholas Tse in the kitchen with me and passing me a slice of french shallot and spanish cucumber.

I remember asking if I could have a gazpacho, but he said that the gazpacho would have to be marinated overnight.

But afterwards in the afternoon, he really got me some to try.

And after the whole event, he gave me hug to say, “Thank You, 我知道你辛苦了”

He shared the Friend of Michelin memento with me.

The whole process was fraught with difficulties and so so much. Like a miserable media attendance, like not getting the mandate, like having this idea deemed to have failed because of a lack of website hits, FB likes and etc.

Like not having the agreement ready and to run the risk of Nicholas being stopped by his agency to fly, when the event would be a few days away.

But i was grounded and i realised that i did what Mr Ng was doing. I was not emotional, I was aware and solidly grounded, and I held on to the process.

I hold and supported the process.

That was what was real. So real, that was my growth, my reality, my discovery,

MY BREAKTHROUGH.

i passed the test and is elevated now.

In the process of speaking to Mr Ng, I felt this silently gentle solid yet soft streaming energy or force at heart.

It was so quiet but so steady and sure, I had to listen to it.

It was grounding.

I felt it for the first time so clearly. It was like mother’s love, unending, ever so calm and peaceful.

And i realised how and why?

It was that i was at peace and one with the universe. not resisting, not intending, not managing or trying to alter anything.

Just one with the universe.

That was beautiful.

I repeated many times, that all that has happened is surreal, miraculous and unbelievable.

不可思议。

like a dream.

And Mr Ng added that everything that seemed so surreal was so because i m on the right path, and fulfilling or answering my life purpose.

And what was that?

“to be creative.”

To which I added,

To create these flashes of light, to touch to inspire and make a difference to lives.

i just want to do that, create these beautiful magical moments of light.

and why?

simply because i have experienced the beauty of it, these beautiful moments of light have changed me.

and i want others to feel it for themselves.

it would be wonderful to have created a difference, but just letting them feel it, that light would be brilliant enough.

I felt almost like a messenger of the divine.

they work through me, and that is how, people and things come into my life and continue to support my endeavour.

Mr Ng encouraged me to continue to work at that, listening and adhering to my life purpose, to bring light onto myself and others.

That would be truly what makes me, fulfils me. And to converse and work closely with the divine.

Unbelievable.

还是那句,不可思议。

 

 

 

0

Healing (XXXX)

很期待mindspa

每次都给我不同的启示和学习。

今天带着两个题目去见老师。

1)新工作

我说我是个写作的动物,但离开报馆,我居然一个字都没写。然后日子匆匆过去。来到今天。

我说,新的地方,有很多探索和发现。比如以前只是照顾内容,好的内容,有没有人看,不知道。但在这里,知道一件事的成功,是团队合作。比如和市场传讯部的配合等等。也因为更清楚这个大系统,懂得不要骄傲自大,明白事情的成功,需要多方面配合。

也进一步认识新公司。知道他们是注重数字的。这点和我最不像。但也是这样,抵触的让我知道,我需要在哪方面再开拓自己。这是机会,成长的机会。

老师抓紧了这一点。问我,为什么会对数字不敏感?

我说,也许之前替父亲还债,到今天为止,还了多少我都不知道。也不想。

我说我到现在还是不明白,为什么当时事情会发展到那个地步?

老师说,虽然对父亲不认识,但我们都是凡夫,都有lower aspect,都会犯错,都有兽性。

“你不明白,因为你没有看到这件事带给你的好处。”

确实。我到现在也只看它给我的负面影响。

不过经老师这么一说,好像真的看到了好处。也真的看到了这件事没什么大不了,根本不需要挂心。

尽管这件事让我成长、自立,但我都没有把这些算在内。

“其实你也没有怎样。事情也过去那么久了,原谅也说不上来。那你就必须要明白。这件事对你造成的影响,塑造出今天你处事生活的模式,这些还能帮助你吗?还能serve你吗?如果不能,那就放掉。”

Inner Child或Wounded Child

我们在很大程度上都是wounded child。我们的行动、思维、生活、遭遇。

我们小时候还不懂事的时候受伤。然后记忆和consciousness停留在那个时候,以后碰到类似事件,那个受伤的小孩再出来演练最初受伤时的应对能力。

所以我不断复制过去的悲伤。

重复受伤时当下做出的判断。

比如爸爸欠债时,我立刻本能地反应,跳出来要解救,但情急下忘了honour自己的感受。我block掉自己的情绪。去解救别人。到现在也是这样,人家一开口,我就有一种有求必应的情感,好像不那么做就不舒服。

老师提醒,要承认和觉知这个inner child,并且时时提醒自己,那样是过去不是现在。不断回来做这个练习。从而加大和higher aspect的相处时间。

另一个可以改善的方式,就是回到当下事情发生时,把当时没有说、做的一系列unfinished business做完/说出来。

我说,现在才知道以前生活简单。只需要照顾内容。现在要照顾的更多,但也在学习,很多要吸收的。还在发现。

过去好像一只系上绳索的大象,现在松绑了,不会跑掉。我发现自己失去很本能的东西。

这些在接触新事物时产生出来的碰撞,带来的各种信息,让我有很多的体悟和学习。

但也开始看到,空间那么多那么大,可能性无限,只要不设限,没有什么是不可能的。只是,你愿意走多远?要走多远?

比如新的办公室,很开放的布置。人与人之间完全没用阻隔。以前我们都有自己的cubicle。这样一个新的openness我也在熟悉当中,仿佛一种时时刻刻的提醒。要我不断打开、开拓、伸展。

我说开工的最初,我完全是lost、不知要如何hold这个space的。

老师建议,跟新的地方、公司、家具等建立关系。cocreate with the space

几天前这么写:

我居然没有记录离开报馆这件事。

然后就来到了8月1日,踏入新公司,展开新旅程。

事实上,今天5日了。我在新的公司5天了。

今天同事谈起之前在报馆运用的输入系统,我一时忘了,不过非常开心。

有一种释放掉的感觉。

加入新公司,一天下来,有很多的学习。有很多新的人事物,让我应接不暇。

应该也有很多情绪。隐隐约约。

比如,可能这家公司和我个人的价值或意愿/趋向不太一样。这是一个数字的地方,我是一个情感的物体。

比如,这样的抵触形成一种挑战,这就是我要学习面对的,work with的。这就是我的学习。

比如,很多我不懂得,但我享受其中。有多久了我不懂?有一种回到原点的感觉。

比如,我开始意识到,原来我没有带着负面情绪上班,对某人某事。纯粹就是来开工写故事学习。

生活一下子变得复杂也变得单纯。

我在摸索,在探索。

可能因为这些想法,我没有特别兴奋,没有特别有新的感觉

但我特别喜欢Michelle送过来的祝福,很触动我

Dearest PY,

Just saw your email on your new role and I’m very excited about the adventures and learning curve ahead of you!

 

Michelle

我回答说:

Dear Michelle

Happy Monday !

Thank you for sharing these sentiments, as a matter of fact, i m feeling the jitters too! Haven’t been without boundaries for a while.

她说:

Blaze your own trail…as you’ve always done. J

Michelle

然后我说

LOVE this advice! Keeping it zipped up!

Feeling grateful, 🙂

她说:

Keep inspiring – there’s no glass ceiling!

我感谢她,提醒我,原来我一直以来已经在走自己的路,我感谢她,提醒我,原来可以随心所欲,没有尽头。

我很感动。它让你记住,只要你愿意,海阔天空,任我翱翔。

过去工作上有人帮忙看着,我只顾在自己的一片天地开垦。原来那是一件多么容易的事。

我像是一只长期被系上绳子的大象,现在松绑了,也不会跑。

那是我的挑战。

现在就要学走然后跑跳。

慢慢渐入状况,开始有可以贡献给同事,创造价值的地方,然后慢慢的和这里产生默契。

我跟老师说,上一次我看到米其林三星餐馆的curtis duffy纪录片《For Grace》。当下被他的故事吸引,我想采访他。

结果真的有机会了。

老师说,他听了很感动。

我也被触动。

我说,我大概是看到他的故事,他的家庭故事坎坷,所幸身边有一位老师,一盏灯指引。现在是开花结果时。

我知道什么触动了我。是他的故事,给我力量。

2)家庭

加入新公司第4天早上,我做了一件我很后悔的事。也许我这一辈子都不会忘记。

我记得老师说,如果我不照顾我的愤怒,会有伤害我的地方。

星期一赶着下班,冲回家煮晚餐,给小瓜冲凉,喂小瓜,洗碗,让他们睡下,然后出来烫衣服,还要检查沁芝的心算功课。

我非常生气,觉得恨委屈,怎么,说好了要支持我,结果却是这样支持。

那天一早我马上准备了午餐晚餐,忙了一天,孩子睡下后,跑出来,看bf在沙发上喝酒,也不主动烫衣,那就算了。那连请他帮忙检查的心算,他也没有。

我真的火了,但我能怎么样?

那就烫衣,之后,检查心算。

星期二,bf因为怀皓生气,然后去睡。结果家务又是我。

星期三,bf和朋友出去喝酒。碰巧星期三,我偏偏回来有点迟。一回家,我马上准备晚餐。他吃晚饭就出去。洗衣机洗好的衣服响着,我有一桌子的餐具要洗,沙发上有折好但没有收进衣柜的衣服。两个孩子要照顾,8点钟快到他们得睡了。

我光火。边洗碗边感觉身体在发热。

我知道bf很少和同事出去喝酒,和同事bond也是必要的,但是不是可以在照顾我们一家大小之后?

我觉得我一个人在做这些事。

难道不可以稍微迟到半个小时吗?帮我们一把,不用全部,只是一把,也能减轻我的负担。但他没有。我觉得我们没有在他的第一位。

总是没有的。

一直以来,他的情绪都是最重要的,排第一,所以星期二生皓皓的气,然后一大堆事又不做了。

又或者他累,不想做就不做。

但一家人的生活不是这样的,是吗?我不累吗?我不更累?

星期三bf回来后我们聊,我把不满宣泄出来,他当然也不满,他说这不是沟通。

当然不是,因为是我在讲,沟通是双方的。他不讲话,不是沟通这也是他造成的,却变成我的错!

星期四,我如常在忙。

早上起来准备午餐晚餐。他也没有帮什么,可能前一晚喝酒累了,宁愿看手机也不花时间跟皓皓玩,宁愿闭眼休息也不帮忙皓皓洗刷,换衣。

皓皓嚷着要我陪他,我在忙着切菜,闹了一阵,他又拉我,说要看iPad,不刷牙。

他哭闹好一阵,时间快815am了,bf还是不出来帮忙。好不容易,让皓皓刷牙换衣了。让他穿鞋他不穿。

我去厨房,还有东西要收拾。连面包,也不帮我准备。

皓皓不肯穿鞋。

我一时间火了,哭了,然后开始丢东西,大声嚷嚷,半哀求半嘶吼半发泄。皓皓哭了。bf走出来,说:“你们到底怎么了?不要吓坏皓皓。”

转头对皓皓说:“皓皓你走吧”

然后对我说:“如果你受不了工作压力,那就不要做”

皓皓大哭。

我非常受伤。

他怎么可以这么对我的皓皓说话?

我抱着皓皓哭在一起。我跟皓皓说对不起,对不起皓皓。

我很后悔,如果我再忍一忍,这一切就不会发生。我害怕这对幼小心灵造成伤害,单就像老师说的,创伤会复制创伤,真的是这样。

发生了。

我非常的后悔。

我每次都是那么controlled的

结果这次忍不住了。

控制不了了。但我也是人。

我抱着皓皓,马上对他解释我之所以那样的原因,然后带他找bf,要bf道歉。

一切恢复平静,这是一种很奇怪的感觉

因为心里不可能恢复平静了。好像没有事,但事实上很多事都不一样了。

皓皓不会忘记,我也不会。

隔天,我抱着皓皓,我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,你还看不看ipad?他说:看。

我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,我会更好地处理自己的情绪。

皓皓听了我的话,哭了。可见,皓皓受到影响了。他受伤了。他知道事情发生了。

但是,流过的时间是不能收回的。不可能回到昨天。

那一天,我选择跟老师说,希望老师和皓皓谈。后来听老师说,怀皓跟老师说,皓皓和mommy哭了,也对公公说,皓皓哭了。至于为什么哭了,公公说:“皓皓没有说”

我很懊悔这一切的发生。

我对bf道歉,并且解释,我的气,是对着他,因为我一个人忙进忙出的时候,他并没有lift a finger to help,错不是皓皓。皓皓无辜地吸收了这些怨气。

我很后悔。大人的错,孩子受罪。

但另一边,我觉得我释放了什么,我觉得我打开了。从宽一点的的角度来看,我其实还觉得这是健康的宣泄。因为我一定要有时间和空间,真正做回自己。

我不认为发脾气就是不对的负面的。我甚至觉得可以表露自己在家人面前做最真实的自己,这是非常宝贵的。

我觉得一家人就该坦诚以对。而且一起成长。不需要掩饰什么。因为我们都不是完美的人。

我不想像妈妈那样,忘了照顾我们而掩饰什么,自己扛那么重,承受所有的压力。

只是,在孩子成为代价的时候,我特别后悔。

纵然如此, I m taking it constructively

这些告诉老师,老师说,隔天我对怀皓做的时光倒流练习,让怀皓释放了一些。这样已经做得不错。

他说:“好的是你不对自己有太多的批评。而且可以从另一更宽角度去看,是好事。情绪的松懈是好事,只是。不要让情绪伤害另一个人。但事实是,有很多东西我们真的没法控制。可以做的,就是弥补和减轻的工作。就像跌倒擦伤,马上处理伤口。”

老师说,虽然我没说,但可以感受到我的委屈还有对先生的不满。

我谈到他坐在沙发不动也不参与。老师说解释他的理解:“你认为他没帮助你,但他这么做,已经在帮你。这就是他shut out的方式。所以他也有一些blockage的”

Mind spa几个重要主题。

老师说,基本上我们现在的样子就是inner child就是我们生活经验的累积和成果。

不用做什么,inner child已经存在。问题是如何加强、增加我们和higher self在一起的时候

awareness!

-为什么我那么急着救人,碰到问题总是想帮人家解决。总是不顾自己、别人排先自己在后?

数日后

因为公事,急着抢救,又闹笑话,好尴尬。我不断批判自己的时候,突然看见那就是所谓的lower self和inner child

跳开看,这个机会让我看到我又急于抢救,再重复、加强这个习性的行为

正在思考,为什么为什么为什么?

突然想到,小时候妈妈带我和妹妹去普吉岛,在酒店游泳池,妹妹差点淹水,是我救了她。

可能当时也是我因为贪玩要去游泳,我不记得了,但妹妹当时更小,应该是我出的主意吧。

救了妹妹,但没告诉妈妈。也许这样,才那么急于救人。

还有,为什么我这么insecure

总是要和别人比

别人强一点我就有根刺

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Let it move through us

Hearing the Cries of the World, by Mark Nepo

This story is so old we don’t know who told it or who it’s about, except that it speaks to all of us. We no longer know if it was a “he” or “she” at the center of the story. No doubt the story has grown for every telling. But for this telling, let’s call our central character Kwun and let her be a heroine.

One day Kwun crossed a valley and stumbled on a bloody scene. An entire village was laid to waste, the people torn apart. Walking among the bodies, her heart was breaking open, enlarging for coming upon the suffering. She was drawn, almost compelled to look inside their bodies and at the same time repulsed by the violence that had opened them. There was an eerie silence steaming along the ground. It looked like the fierce work of a warring clan. Suddenly, Kwun heard a terrible cry from the middle of the scene. She had to pull a dead man aside to find a woman barely breathing, clinging to her little boy who was bleeding from the head. Kwun fell to her knees and without thinking embraced them both, their blood coating her.

As the wind can lift the snow off a branch, the cries altogether can somehow lift the sadness off a broken heart.

The cry of the dying mother was as much from her own pain as from her powerlessness to help her son. When she saw Kwun, her cries grew worse. It was clear she was asking Kwun to take her boy. At first, Kwun shook her head, unprepared for any of this. The dying mother clutched Kwun’s hand and fell away. The boy was unconscious, still bleeding from the head. Wherever Kwun was going before stumbling into the valley, that life, that plan, that dream was gone. It was too late to close her heart and walk away.

St. Paul Healing the Cripple at Lystra, Karel Dujardin, 1663

She lifted the little, bloody boy and, though he was unconscious, Kwun covered his eyes as she walked over the rest of the bodies, leaving the village. Carrying the boy, she began to cry, feeling for the mother who had watched her man die and her son be bloodied, and feeling for the boy who, if he woke at all, would be all alone. She began to moan as she walked, keeping the cry of the mother alive.

By the end of the day, Kwun managed to climb out of the valley and, exhausted from the tasks of surviving, fell asleep at the mouth of a cave. When Kwun woke, the bloodied little boy had died in her arms. She didn’t know what to do, though there was nothing to do. She held him for a long time, then opened his little eyes, wanting to see what was left within him. And looking there, she began to feel the cries of the world, long-gone and long-coming. It overwhelmed her as she felt a pain that almost stopped her breathing. But she kept rocking the little one, certain the world would end if she put him down. Without her knowing, she began to hold the broken that would fill eternity, long before they would suffer: the stillborn, the betrayed, the sickly, the murdered, the thousands left to mourn. Letting them move through her began to open her heart like a lotus flower. And the cries of the world, though she couldn’t name a one, made her stronger. At last, she fell asleep again. While she slept, Kwun became a source of healing. When she woke, she spent her days touching the wounded, holding the dying, and keeping the cries of the world alive. The cries became a song she didn’t understand, other than to know that, as the wind can lift the snow off a branch, the cries altogether can somehow lift the sadness off a broken heart.

Wherever We Go

Kwun may be an ancestor of the Buddhist bodhisattva of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, also known as Kuan-yin, whose name means hearing the cries of the world. We’ll never know, but like rivers joining in the sea, stories coalesce and merge over time into the one story that remains, the one we each wake to, surprised it is ours.

Wherever we go, wherever we wake, we are challenged like Kwun to hear the cries of the world very personally. The cries are unending and overwhelming, and our noble charge to hear them—to hold them and keep them alive—is how we keep the life-force we need lit between us. As Black Elk says at the beginning of this chapter, the reason to lament is that it helps us to realize our oneness with all things, and to know that all things are our relatives.

This has never been easy; for grief is so challenging that it often blinds us to its importance. As the Sufi poet Ghalib says, “Held back, unvoiced, grief bruises the heart.”3 Try as we will, we can’t eliminate or solve these cries, for they are the song of existence. When we try to mute or minimize the voices of suffering, we are removed from the life-force that keeps us connected. If we get lost in the cries, we can drown in them. So what are we do with them? What is a healthy way to relate to them?

Kuan Yin as a sea goddess; from her flask pour the waters of compassion

I’ve found that whatever I go through opens me to what others have gone through. This is the gut and sinew of compassion. Our own ounce of suffering is the thread we pull to feel the entire fabric. Having pinched a nerve in my back, I can feel the steps of the elderly woman who takes twenty minutes to shuffle from the bread aisle to get her milk. Having lost dear ones to death, I can feel the weight of grief that won’t let the widower’s head lift his gaze from the center of the Earth where his sadness tells him his wife has gone. Having tumbled roughly through cancer, I can feel fear arcing between the agitated souls who can’t stand the wait. The fully engaged heart is the antibody for the infection of violence in the waiting room. I’ve begun to meet the cries of the world by unfurling before them like a flag.

I was in college, sitting with my grandmother in her Brooklyn apartment, when she fell into another time and left the room. She’d left an old photo on the table. It was of a young family posing in a studio in 1933. The parents seemed to have the whole world ahead of them. When she returned, I asked. It was her sister and brother-in-law and their small son. They lived in Bucharest. There was a long pause and an even longer sigh, “We saved and sent them steamship tickets to come.” She dropped her huge hands on her lap, “They sent them back, and said Romania was their home.” They died in Buchenwald.

It was pulling that thread that opened my heart to the cries of the Holocaust and from there, to the genocides of our time. Those cries plagued me, wouldn’t let me sleep. In time, I realized I was opening myself to the enormous suffering of history for no other reason than to feel the complete truth of who we are as humans. This is impossible to comprehend, but essential to let it move through us, the way the cries of the world moved through Kwun so many centuries ago.

Each of us must make our peace with suffering and especially unnecessary suffering, which doesn’t mean our resignation to a violent world. For the fully engaged heart is the antibody for the infection of violence. As our heart breaks with compassion, it strengthens itself and all of humanity. Can I prove this? No. Am I certain of it? Yes. We are still here. Immediately, someone says, “Barely.” But we are still here: more alive than dead, more vulnerable than callous, more kind than cruel— though we each carry the lot of it.

That we go numb along the way is to be expected. Even the bravest among us, who give their lives to care for others, go numb with fatigue, when the heart can take in no more, when we need time to digest all we meet. Overloaded and overwhelmed, we start to pull back from the world, so we can internalize what the world keeps giving us. Perhaps the noblest private act is the unheralded effort to return: to open our hearts once they’ve closed, to open our souls once they’ve shied away, to soften our minds once they’ve been hardened by the storms of our day.

Always, on the inside of our hardness and shyness and numbness is the face of compassion through which we can reclaim our humanity. Our compassion waits there to revive us. When opened, our heart can touch the Oneness of things we are all a part of. Then, we can stand firmly in our being like a windmill of spirit: letting the cries of the world turn us over and over, until our turning generates a power and energy that can be of use in the world.

Christ Healing the Blind, El Greco, c. 1567

Running from the Cries

Sometimes, being alive is so hard that we think it would be better to avoid all the suffering. But we can’t, anymore than mountains can avoid erosion. And there is a danger in running from the cries of the world. In extreme cases, our refusal to stay vulnerable can twist into its opposite in which we strangely get pleasure from the suffering of others. The German word Schadenfreude means just this. Such perverse pleasure derives from the utmost denial of being human; the way running from what we fear only makes us more violently afraid. Severely renounced, the need to feel doesn’t go away, but distorts itself. In the same vein, the term “Roman Holiday” refers to the grisly spectacle of gladiators battling to the death for the pleasure of the Roman crowd.4

This danger is insidious in today’s rush of incessant news coverage twenty-four hours a day. We can be brought into heartbreaking kinship in a second, as with the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City or the horrific massacre of twenty schoolchildren in Newtown, Connecticut. And like Kwun in the ancient tale, we can be compelled to look at the raw insides of tragedy to glimpse how tenuous our time is on Earth, while being repulsed by the violence that opens such a stark revelation. But if not careful, the endless replaying of tragedy from countless angles can push us over the line till we fall prey to that perverse pleasure of the Roman crowd.

To view tragedy beyond our feeling of it adds to the tragedy and turns us into dark voyeurs. Yet just as Kwun’s rocking of the lifeless, little boy enabled her to hear and feel the suffering of those yet to come, keeping our heart open to one torn life can enable us to hear and feel the cries of all who suffer.

Which side of reality we dwell in determines whether we are offspring of Kwun and Kuan-yin, descendants of those who keep the cries of the world alive, or offspring of the warring clan, descendants of those who gut whatever is in the way, who cheer the bloody spectacle. These twin-aspects of life are closer to each other than we think. The seeds of both live in each of us. It is our devotion to staying vulnerable that keeps us caring and human.

The Madonna of Charity, El Greco, c. 1604

True connection requires that a part of us dissolves in order to join with what we meet. This is always both painful and a revelation, as who we are is rearranged slightly, so that aliveness beyond us can enter and complete us. Each time we suffer, each of us is broken just a little, and each time we love and are loved, each of us is beautifully dissolved, a piece at a time. We break so we can take in aliveness and we dissolve so we can be taken in. This breaking and dissolving in order to be joined is the biology of compassion. The way that muscles tear and mend each time we exercise to build our strength, the heart suffers and loves. Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they come from, and we grow.

Our fear of such breaking and dissolving keeps us from reaching out, from stopping to help those we see in pain along the way, telling ourselves it’s none of our business. But no one can sidestep being touched by life and, sooner or later, the fingers of the Universe poke us and handle us and rearrange us. Running from the cries of the world makes the Universal touch harsh. Leaning into the sea of human lament makes the Universal touch a teacher. Hearing the cries of the world causes us to grow, the way every power opens for receiving the rain.

What Are We to Do?

The Life of Kwun and Kuan-yin calls, their simple caring in our DNA, though it’s never easy to cross into a life of compassion. Since the beginning, we have all complained, when weary or afraid of the power of feeling, that we have a right to happiness. Can’t we ever look away? Must we always feel guilty for those who’ve suffered beyond our control? But guilt is the near-enemy of true kindness. It won’t let us look away or let us give our heart to those who suffer because our lives will change if we do.

No matter how we fight it, life always has other plans and we are faced, when we least expect it, with the quandary of living softly in a beautiful and harsh world. Under all our goals and schemes is the sudden need to help each other swim in the mixed sea of joy and sorrow that is our human fate.

The truth is: my suffering doesn’t have to be out of view for you to be happy, and you don’t have to quiet your grief for me to be peaceful. Allowing our suffering and happiness to touch each other opens a depth of compassion that helps us complete each other.

There are always things to be done in the face of suffering. We can share bread and water and shelter in the storm. But when we arrive at what suffering does to us, there is only compassion—the genuine, tender ways we can be with those who suffer.

The Bodhisattva Guanyin. China, ninth century

Some days, I can barely stand the storms of feeling and fear civilization will end, if we can’t honor each other’s pain. But in spite of my own complaints and resistance, I know in my bones that openness of heart makes the mystery visible. Openness to the suffering we come across makes our common heart visible. If we are to access the resources of life, we must listen with our common heart to the cries of the world. We must forego our obsession with avoiding pain and start sensing the one cry of life that allows us to flow to each other. ♦

ENDNOTES

1. Joseph Epes Brown, recorder and editor, THE SACRED PIPE, BLACK ELK’S ACCOUNT OF THE SEVEN RITES OF THE OGLALA SIOUX, (Norman, OK: University of Oklahoma Press, 1953), 46. Black Elk was a Native American sage of the Oglala Sioux.

2. Abraham Joshua Heschel, THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S: THE INNER WORLD OF THE JEW IN EASTERN EUROPE (Woodstock, VT: Jewish Lights Publishing, 2001), 20.

3. Mirza Ghalib, translated by Jane Hirshfield in THE ENLIGHTENED HEART Stephen Mitchell, ed. (New York: Harper, 1989), 105.

4. The barbaric gladiator combats were extensively showcased in the Roman Coliseum, peaking in popularity between the first century BC and the second century AD. The Coliseum was built just east of the Roman Forum. Construction started in 72 AD under emperor Vespasian and completed in 80 AD under emperor Titus. Seating fifty thousand spectators, the amphitheater was also used for public spectacles such as mock sea battles, animal hunts, and executions.

From Parabola‘s 150th issue “Heaven and Hell,” Summer 2013. This issue is available to purchase here. If you have enjoyed this piece, consider subscribing.

 

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Healing (XXXIX)

Had a most wonderful mind spa session today.

After the session, Mr Ng commented, ” wow you are so bright now!”

I looked around me, the room suddenly spanked light.

It was so bright?

Why didn’t I even know?

Mr Ng said, “I didn’t change the bulbs at all.”

It’s originally so bright?

He nodded.

I took awhile to absorb the light, breathe in the light. Enjoy the light. Bathe in light.

I want to remember that brightness.

In that silence of bathing in it, I heard gratitude.

Not many people have the chance to see this light. I have the opportunity and I give my sincere thanks.

I m grateful for life, grateful to my parents for birthing me, my nanny for showering me with love. I m thankful to all the events that have happened in my life. I thank the universe n my protectors and guardian angels.

And I thank myself.

For once and again choosing the paths I have which brought me to light.

And because I m given this opportunity, which not many have, I want to make good this light. And do good to make good this opportunity.

To continue to write with my heart n honestly.

Mr Ng reminded me, ” to go with light and be light.”

It all started with the intention to discuss the headache I was having and the resignation I was going through.

I told teacher, of the struggles n conflict within.

How my lower self or habits attracted me to run away n seek comfort, I do not want to grow up! whilst my soul, deep down knew I wanted growth.

Teacher reminded me, ” growing up is not an easy path. People tend to idealise it but the road maybe a difficult one. So know that this is your choice. If you are conscious of your choice, that this decision is your choice, then whatever may be, it will not unsettle you.”

Teacher reinforced the idea of connecting again back to Mother Earth n the universe and to let the energy flow.

He reiterated that this would be the way to increase the time we spend with our higher selves instead of getting in touch with our lower self we are so accustomed to. Because some habits have been with us since aeons so it’s not easy to change in a while.

And I have to consciously do more of this connecting with earth and universe so that the energy flows.

He says, ” be gentle. Otherwise it might become a punishment instead and there will b side effects. Be very patient with yourself.”

So the question is, why do I not want to grow up?

The first thought is, I fear death.

He explained that some of the habits have been accumulated from the past and with a new body, they emit magnetic waves and attract people events in our lives. It’s this that we are succumbing to or subjected to once n again. We speak n act from this point.

So I said, there must be a way to rewrite this program right? With a lot of effort it’s possible.

“It is! The word I use is demagnetize. But the idea is this same. We talked about a magnetic field. So how to demagnetize? It’s tapping. When you tap, with an idea you are used to, you are tapping it out of your system, then u imbue the system with a good thought.”

It’s wonderful.

Just having an opportunity to exercise a change and the prospect of having it is a wondrous thing!

Teacher explained and we started.

I first tapped on my headache. Then a second layer came upon me.

I felt sick n tired and I just want to switch off. I m sick of the old practices and modes of thinking n behavior. I feel like they are making me reinforce old habits and I desperately want a breakthrough. I want to do away with the old. The old set of ways I have been accustomed to, they r limiting me in a way and have expired. I do not need them now. I want to bye them away!

We tapped on the headache.

But these came through.

Then teacher stopped.

“You have a lot of frustrations in you. I m stopping because of this. Let’s tap on your frustrations.”

I did and I became angry.

” Yes you are very angry. I could feel as if you wanted to carry things and throw them.”

I tapped on my anger.

Even teacher raised his voice to guide me

But the anger and so many of it is in me. My words became hard n cold I begin to quiver as I mouthed the words but I still contained the anger.

I just couldn’t let it out! Society culture me! I couldn’t!

He retreated to open a drawer and pulled out a towel.

“Cover your mouth.”

I swear I shouted n cried so hard.

So hard my legs started to move on the floor. My fingers gripped the towel so hard. My heart raced and my body felt so warm.

I screamed.

Then when I cooled down, Teacher said, ” it is very sad looking at you do this. Society culture family upbringing is stopping you from releasing all the anger and frustration in you. But you have to find a way to release. Otherwise it will hurt you in a very big way.”

This I certainly did not expect from him.

I said I guess my story of pent up frustration is not new or unique . Many people are the same. They do not express and become numb and close up along the way.

But the fact is, I do not want to b like that.

I felt my headache gone then come back as an aching feeling in the lower left back.

Then teacher wanted me to lie down.

I felt like crying on the bed and on the pillow. It just coaxed the tears out of me. There was a lot of reassuring healing love.

Space!

Teacher used a drum.

As it progressed, I saw images of my my mother, maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my uncle, my aunt, my maternal grandfather and kiat.

All the deaths in my family.

But I found myself acknowledging their deaths for once and said goodbye.

For once I acknowledged their deaths.

Then he breathed and sort of gently drew circles or— I do not know what at the crown of my head.

I heard birds chirping. In the background and they gave me comfort.

Sometimes I drifted away, where I do not know.

Then came back as I heard a toddler’s shoe making a sound on contact with the floor.

It’s the footsteps that woke me.

The sound of life.

It’s still amazing and wonderful and I give my thanks.

I thanked my protectors my guardian angels Buddha even teacher.

He says, ” your soul may be ready to move on but your body is still very attached to your company. So there are some tensions. It’s important to say a proper goodbye. ”

Teacher sat beside me and wanted me to say goodbye.

I found it hard in the beginning but I did.

SPH has been my support for the longest time, not just physical or in the monetary sense but also, emotionally.

Writing and SPH is my escape my support my home n me.

Especially when I had none or was lost.

So it’s really hard to let go.

So hard. So so hard.

I don’t know how to let go.

Every person every story I did make me learn n grow as a person. Opened me up and fulfilled me. Made me blossom and gave me life.

They all culminated in the person that I m now.

But equally I can hold my head up high and strut out.

我可以抬起头,挺胸走出去

因为不管是什么稿件、什么故事,不管是老板、清洁工,我都没有用少一分的陈彬雁去对待。

我都是拿出我的真心对待。

老师说:“我知道。你可以给你自己credit。”

可是,为什么别人都不能以真心回应?都不能打开别人?

老师说,“你要知道别人也带着创伤来。也从那个角度在看世界。所以最重要的是,你用了真心。”

“可能我要在这里代表所有广大的读者,谢谢你,我们以后可能再也没有机会去读你的报道,谢谢你带给我们诚实真诚的报道。”

我记得我说:“I accept this, thank you.”

所以除了感谢,我很感谢拥有那些机会,遇到那样的人,做那样的采访,写那样的稿件,但同样的,我毫无保留沒完完全全把当下应该做的都如我那样地做了。我没有保留。

i did what I can , in the time that i could, and what i want , 所以我可以抬头走出去。bonus就是along the way,给人带来温热,温暖,或者是些许的照亮。

有好几次,我感觉到头整个充满能量,有好多情绪是之前忽略的,现在感受到了。

cleansing完毕,真的觉得打从内心比较安定,更ready,可以离开了。我说,i feel more ready now,老师也感觉得到。

我坐立起来,所有的vibrations还在头部、双手、眼皮,但这真的是一个最wonderful的process。

最后向老师请教了say goodbye的方式,claim back所有的credits,把该还的还给公司。切断所有和公司的联系,send well wishes。

隔天继续tap,才知道我不想长大,是因为我觉得自己在很小的年龄就有意识要照顾自己。

确实也是十几岁就独立,刚出来工作,就照顾一个家。很累的。完全没有自己的。

所以在其他方面,我都赖着要别人照顾

0

Keep Tapping

Happen to get in touch with this!

Tapping! Keep tapping until you don’t feel it anymore!

Mr Ng introduced this to me

Tap and feel better!

I just did and find myself releasing a lot of air and it feels wonderful! And i felt cooler, around me body and i began to feel hungry.

A.J. Durai once said, “the body is but a vessel for the soul.”

Here’s a tapping library.

http://eft.mercola.com

Happy tapping.

Enjoy what it feels like to feel calm.

 

0

Healing (XXXVIII) ****** and finding TPY

Seeing mr Ng is always a wonderful healing experience .

He always manages to distill for me important indepth messages that are important for my soul’s development–and more often than not, things that I have missed in importance.

The first thing he told me about is that I look better.

And the only difference I could think of, is the veg diet I have been on since I met the metaphysics person on 13/5.

I told him I came to seek divinity ‘s assurance on which decision would be better for me?

Is it to stay on n change a beat ?

Or to change an environment n move on?

He wanted to know what propagated the intention to switch.

I spoke candidly about unfairness in workplace and a misalignment in my values n that of the company’s

I told him about my 14 yrs with the company

How each time I would put in lots of hard work n energy to deliver, but the credit wouldn’t b mine.

How unfairness in treatment has been repeating itself?

Also, there would b lots of unfairness in merits distributed.

And he asked, what fairness is?

More important, he fetched for me the idea that unfairness has been repeating for the longest time because I m myself a magnetic field of attracting that into my life

He said, trauma and hurt/pain begets the same trauma the next time

Think about what happened in your first job that set the imprint

And I remembered the stint in crime

I was thrown into the crime desk as a rookie and had to face death

Almost everyday

I had to report to the mortuary for work or scenes of crime, fight, and be in areas of danger . First out of school.

And I particularly remember this incident where I was told to wait at Buangkok with a photographer for a newsmaker.

That area wasn’t developed then. And it’s a family member of a criminal I had to face

The photographer got impatient and refused to wait into the night.

He said it was dangerous for me to stay on too on my own as a little girl.

And I decided to call it quits for the day.

But the next day, the supervisor called me to a room n lectured me about that decision

That I should have held on and waited because that was my job to.

And I might have missed a scoop for the paper.

Now recalling all this to mind made sense of how I have disciplined myself along the way

I put in extra work , harder n harder. But the recognition and rewards didn’t come in for me.

It was a healing cycle that I propagated and repeated

“So it’s time to let go of it now.”

Connect to Mother Earth.

Earth is like your mother whom you can embrace after a hard time. Allow yourself to be connected and for there to be a channel to let go of these energies that had been stored into your body

Feel the parts that hurt in your body and let it go.

Then visualize a door in your head which opens up to light from the universe.

That is like daddy’s energy to imbue you and the parts that hurt and the new Ce light will have a flushing effect.

And I did find a more balanced myself.

Then teacher asked,” did u know why u joined the crime desk”

I knew .

“It was because I wanted it in a sense.

It’s almost like flipping open a book of life, in which I first learnt about death.

But the lesson I want to learn is life. ”

And I felt it. Not understand this .

I thanked the universe for the love.

Teacher says this is amazing.

And almost like a most wonderful gift from the universe.

“Look. You started with crime, then came on to do entertainment , then fashion then food and now your are exploring spirituality.”

It’s like a gradual stepped process and just like how I said it.

To learn about life.

After all the wonderful things. Things physical, it’s about working on the inner aspects. It about the self and helping it grow and develop.

“If you can understand all these, all your previous thoughts about the company would disintegrate completely. Let go. Release all the unfairness, frustration, anger, fear, negativity that has accumulated in you these 14 years. Let go of all these and you will find back your energy. Otherwise, no matter where u go, those will follow and hinder or influence your decisions.”

I already see it.

Teacher introduced the idea of tapping.

Tapping to release unhappy thoughts I held about the company.

And then imbuing myself with gd thoughts.

i also told Mr Ng about how i would walk the same path to work each day so that i could see a tree.

it stood tall and lean and it was open and very upfront.

it was my model and inspiration.

everytime i walked past, i felt energised by it.

and i remember walking and stopping to see birds, it was as if i knew them, and Mr ng remarked,”birds are about freedom .”

and i just felt so touched.

i remember i was in the maldives and sitting at the beach on a hot day. a waiter came and we chatted as he laid down glasses of ice cold water.

he asked me about my name and i said, Yen, its a big bird.

and his words were, “if you were doing things that you like, you would be like a big bird flying in the sky”

i was very stressed up and confused this whole time. i didnt know if i should stay or leave.

coupled with intentions to go vegan, the decision becomes ever more difficult to make.

but i made the decision to write to SH about my concerns and my dissatisfaction with the contract, inappropriate maybe to some and by today’s standards, but truly and from my heart.

and i wake up feeling that both will be good for me no matter what. its about making good every situation and i have pure confidence that i can.

i wake up feeling stupid to be confused and to spoil over this, with space and time, this would seem so meagre, but still very important.

i flipped the papers and saw a word that sparked some reaction. the word is leukaemia.

it sparked a sense of fear in me.

i flipped the pages over , it was my habit to do so. but this time with awareness, i tried to look at it deeper, as the practice teacher would do with me.

to stay put with the word .

i closed my eyes and rolled my eyeballs right for 3 times, then left , countless times.

i saw a movie in which the female lead suffered fr leukaemia and died. it was a love story. now that i m writing, i recalled another movie even earlier, of someone who suffered with the same condition and had bleeding of the gums.

i could remember the fear even then although this incident has passed so many years.

i continued to turn my eyeballs to the left and saw fascinating things.

i saw myself visiting my father who had a spinal surgery at the hospital. i could even see the blankets. and hear the beeps from the machines.

i saw myself as a child, not knowing what this meant, but for sure i was in an atmosphere with a lot of fear, fear fr my father, and more so, my mother and relatives who visited.

a lot of fear.

and i was drenched in all of those.

i carried them.

i was introduced to the idea of fear and associated it with death then and death appeared very scary.

then my mind went back even further to when i was born , fresh out of the bun in the hospital.

this was where it all began!

i was crying a lot and my mother delivering for the first time, had a lot of tension and fear in her too. she was afraid and i got it, everything, the fear she had in her life, in those moments from her, from there.

she felt alone and helpless, not confident , not loved.

that explains why i was crying so much as a baby.

i heard tales of how i cried and my face turned tomato red fr my nanny.

and now i understood , i was trying to cry the shit of fear of my mother out of my system ! so i cried and cried and cried when i was so little, trying my best to get those out of my system.

but it turned out that the crying was insufficient and i was constituted with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. even if i did well, even if i had wonderful thoughts and ideas, i did not express them and kept them in me.

now i know, that these are not me.

my nanny also often recounted how i would often fall sick and had to visit the doctor almost everyday when i was a baby, scaring the shit out of her.

visiting the doctor for the smallest things was a habit of my nanny, who did not know what to do with me. i find myself repeating this in the last few years.

from a fear of seeing the doctor, to creating conditions which warranted visits. for example , headaches, tension and stress, and even a raised ca19.9, all these i created because i have that solid hearth of energy passed over the years from my nanny to just , visit the doctor.

that was the thing i knew, and out of habits, i did it. thus continuing to reinforce the energetic habits i was exposed to since young.

and writing this made me aware of why i was often worked up, when my nana insisted i bring the kids to the doc whenever they had issues.

i didnt like that sound at all.

with the conditions i created for my body, i would just conveniently visit a doctor and leave myself to him. I did not take responsibility on my own for myself.

but that was because nanny was not educated and not aware of other forms of healing, nanny was lost and bringing me to the doctor was the only way out for her.

but not me.

And i do not need these now.

all the old habitual patterns can disintegrate. those are not mine to begin with. those shells break away and fall apart.

i m healthy and good as i m. there is no doubt about this. and i know i m in control and can heal myself, physically and mentally. it just takes time and a lot of awareness and good effort.

i certainly do not need doctors and if i need, help it would come from places from a deeper source , such as getting to know myself better from Mr Ng and reworking my lifestyle by changing how i eat and live.

this is me now, the spirit free, open, carefree, wise, boundless and very confident.

 

then i wrote a piece like this.

IMG_1164

Mr ng mentioned using the left hand to reveal innermost thoughts in the subconscious mind.

and it was wonderful.

我想要什么呢?人生的下一章等着我去谱写!我要写什么?

我知道我要写健康我要写wellness我要写和孩子一起成长的一切。

我要写快乐。我要写的还有我自己。我想写好的东西。让更多人懂得要吃的,让他们的过得更好。像我那样改变,然后也想改变别人。

Om ma ne pad me hum.