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Healing xxxxxviii

过了这么久,终于有机会去消化这一阵子的一切

我跟老师说,以前有这么多来这里谈心的机会,现在才知道真的不可以take for granted

这阵子的一切,教会我impermanence。人生的无常。

我这么跟老师说。

太intense了。沁芝、阿嬷、我的健康、工作的改变。没有什么是定数没有什么是可以操控的

我跟老师说阿嬷的离开、阿嬷如何在妈妈过世的时候,进来做妈妈也做阿嬷

阿嬷跟我说:要坚强,勇敢。凡事都不把它当一回事。

还有,感觉阿嬷还在,因为一直以来都是阿嬷在把持这个家。她的力量是多么大

阿嬷过世对我们的家族来说是大事

阿嬷的年代完结了。跟这个年代而来的一切也应该是时候退潮烟消雾散

旧有秩序、系统瓦解,是时候建立新思路、思维、模式

让过去———过去。

我跟老师说,沁芝最近容易发火。容易脾气失控。问老师可以怎么做?

老师说,可以cross her legs,然后双手交叠

老师说,他之前做了很多预防工作。预防发生。比如,他做很多自己身上的工作,因为我们的健康、我们生命中发生的事情,都是我们造成的

所以比如tapping、比如转眼珠。都要照做

老师说,父母的心情也会影响,所以父母亲要先处理好情绪。

老师说,这是一个超乎three dimension的现实。所以很多东西,可以去到那边处理。

而且有些东西,可以交由神佛菩萨帮忙。比如,你去上班,那就请神佛菩萨照顾沁芝。

我说我有!

比如,在做raindrop therapy之前,洁净身心,shower、cleanse your aura to purify yourself。charge yourself with energy from Mother Earth 

恭请divine father、mother earth、神佛菩萨来做healing,他们就是在五度空间

你会感受到不一样

我跟老师说了cyst,以及跟妈妈的联系。我说,就像有什么unresolved issues没有settle那样。

我说,我和先生经历的,可能妈妈也经历过。这样的情绪。妈妈的不被谅解、妈妈的希望,希望被呵护被疼爱被珍惜……

老师点点头

老师问,你父亲和母亲是不是有一些hidden issues是你们不知道的?

我当下没有想到。

老师问,比如,是不是你妈妈没有被承认?或者他们结婚是不是明媒正娶的?

我说我不晓得。

老师问我,觉得我最像妈妈的地方在哪里?我当时想不到。但后来,我觉得————是害怕。

妈妈胆小。我从小就胆小。妈妈很多事都怕,我也是。可能这样,我人生当中的发生,都是为了让我突破这样的能量。这样的局面和局限。

我不需要这样的害怕。

后来老师提到一点——有没有这样的感觉。其实你一路以来都很用力去做那个妈妈会体认、肯定、希望看到的彬雁。不会不及格、循规蹈矩、完美、样样都好的陈彬雁

”你认为你是听话的还是有主见的?”

我说我以前超听话。

但是其实你也可以开玩笑、可以不用每次成功、可以脆弱可以胡闹

你有没有发现?其实你就是用这个方式去记得去留住妈妈?但是真正的你呢?

是时候把自己的power收复回来

重点是觉知

你花了很多时间和用心,但是那个不是你。

真正的陈彬雁。是什么样子的?我好像刚刚从蛋壳里探出头来的小鸡、小鸟。从心底深处,感受到诞生、重新开始的喜悦,还有感激。

老师问,你希望你的未来是怎样的?

我说健康。

老师说,好,一个健康的彬雁,回到家里可以跟孩子玩,美好相处的。

好,那健康的彬雁是怎样走路的?

每天走进家里前,ground yourself,感觉拖着根走进家里。

你会感受到不一样

这都会改变能量,然后很多事都会跟着改变。

尝试作出新的改变。Try something new。

其实这也是我心里有在想的事。

我跟老师说,有那么几天,觉得自己in a state of wreck。

那就接受这个wreck。因为唯有在这样的情况下,旧有的才会被全然地瓦解,才可以有新的滋长

刚刚在洗碗,突然就想到,妈妈好像是在爸爸离开新加坡的时候,有一天受不了了。她好像说了一些很绝的话—-是不是要我死你才肯回来?

这一类的话。

我想到自己。最近沁芝皓皓不舒服,daddy都没有回来帮忙。我一个人扛起很多责任。很多重任。

那种feel alone自己扛的感觉,原来在我的生命中发生了这么多次。比如,怀沁芝的初期,daddy打趣的态度。

还有那次见到他弟弟,他把我藏起来。

为什么我们是一起的,却都是要我一个人承担?

之前很累很需要扶持的时候,儿子女儿家务先生都要我的时候,我有时也会想,万一我不在那要怎么办?

daddy什么时候才懂得要回来这个family?

人为什么都不懂的珍惜?不懂得珍惜家里,把家里看作第一位?真的就必须发生事情才回来吗?

我妈妈我爸爸都的路,原来换了一个时间地点,我和我先生也在走同样的路,感受同样的心情。

为什么会这样?

我想原因有一个,那就是去突破妈妈之前未能突破的,她未完成的。未能圆满的。未能取得和谐的地方。

我可以用我方式我的智慧,我的觉知能力,去圆满它。

妈妈虽然很爱爸爸,但是没有办法和爸爸取得一种精神上打从心底的共鸣。妈妈没有办法得到爸爸的谅解爸爸的珍惜爸爸的体贴。

所以来到我的时候,我特别看重这一些。特别想把心事说给先生听,特别想我的先生了解我,听我,爱我,珍惜我。

打从心底去爱我呵护我体贴我疼惜我。尊重我。

还有就是要我的先生回来家庭。做一家之主应该做的事。不需要再像是我妈妈那样,全然的扛起,或者像是阿嬷那样,完全的扛起来。

妈妈希望爸爸回来,和她一起扛起家的担子。我听过妈妈最大声的抗议,只有两次,一次是爸爸夜里去喝酒,妈妈半夜三更打电话给他,问他怎么还不回来?另一次,是爸爸离开新加坡,妈妈声嘶力竭,从内心深处的哭喊————什么时候要回来?

我妈妈当时无助,好无助,没有办法了。

但不是我。

我很庆幸我有这样的觉知力、洞察力。我绝对相信我可以找另一条路、另一个方式去处理我们的夫妻关系。

不需要像是妈妈那样,一时间、无助时,作出这样的决定。

我可以用各种善巧的方式,请求佛菩萨的加持和灵感的赐予,让我可以用创意的方式去尝试解开这当中好复杂的千丝万缕。

重点是,我的选择可以改变许多事情。可以改变自己,改变孩子,丈夫。我们可以更好。

Dear medicine Buddha, dear Buddha’s and bodhisattva, May I ask you for your blessings , protection and healing onto my mother who has made this decision , for my father , my sister my brother and myself.

Please heal her completely. Please heal us all completely.

We all need to heal from the past. 

We need to come out from this. 

May I also ask for your guidance blessings protection your wisdom so that I can have all the resources all the inspiration and power  all the strength all the support I need to heal myself my daughter my son and my husband.

Please guide me to another path . 

We need not use these drastic ways. We can achieve this thru communication love and your blessings and guidance.

Please help us, dear buddhas, dear guardian angels.

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Healing XXXXXvii

“我希望在新的一年里,有更多机会说更多很好的故事,让人感觉到温暖,感觉到希望,有力量,受到启发的故事。打响陈彬雁说故事的品牌。”

老师说,新的一年刚刚开始,何不重新做一个programming?于是我这么说了。也希望获得宇宙、大地、家庭、职场方面的支持。每天记得这件事,努力尽心去执行。

每次去见老师,走出来之后总觉得找到了一个新的立足点。有光。怎么做才能这样?帮别人找到她的光?也帮自己找到?

我要如何帮沁芝皓皓找到他们的光?

我要怎么让我身边的人,像我这样子——感受?感受光的滋味?

老师问我,沁芝好一点吗?我说上个星期好很多,至少早上的情况没有发生。但这一星期,前面三天还是有一次。

老师想了想,说,假如上一代或是家族里面有一些未解决的问题、能量,下一代一般都会出现一些状况,目的就是让人从中突破。

“比如你上次提到必须躲藏这件事。孩子就是看到父母亲一些东西,但是说不出来,所以用行动表达。比较心疼的是,沁芝必须要经历这件事。”

我知道老师的话,所以一直很叮咛daddy,因为不希望沁芝有事。我不晓得这样的逻辑daddy听到多少?

老师说,他知道我尽力努力,但有时候,有一些人就是得经历一些事,就是他的journey

我跟老师提到我们沟通的问题,老师提议也鼓励我用另一种方式,换一个角度去思考如何deliver一个message,让对方可以接受。并且听得懂。比如,假设自己不是妻子不是母亲的时候,会怎么说?比如了解对方的情绪,不要再火上加油。知道对方上火,懂得说:I can see that you r v angry,能够快速降温。

比如说,可以想成对方是光。跟他灵魂的光对话。还有——-pray。

祈祷。祷告。这是我最近也在想的事情。当努力尽力了之后,我可以做的就是祈祷。尝试去感受和神明的联系,祈求加持和正能量。

老师鼓励我,放轻松一点,虽然说——不容易。

跟老师提起authority。老师感受到我在公司,也被下属override的事。他说,那是因为我对于authority的定义还没有清楚和明确的定义。

老师鼓励我把心目中对authority的想法写下来。My idea of authority is…..然后不时拿出来看。做清楚的对照。知道了就要hold住energy,做authority应该做的事。

My idea of authority is, someone who knows a lot about a certain thing, including great knowledge, wisdom, connections and networks about a certain field.

My idea of authority is someone who has contributed greatly to a certain field.

My idea of authority is also someone who can affect the industry in a certain way. And to be able to create or seed changes.

还有巴黎对我的视频有意见,老师鼓励我解释自己的看法,然后不计较后果。跟老师说法国总部即将接管。不久之后要回到大公司。老师说,不需要多想,跟着flow。

人生可能就是这样,借着种种教、让人学会快乐。学会自救,从困难和痛苦中解救和解脱自己。快乐起来。学习到快乐起来的原因。

那天带沁芝去看John,他花了许多时间跟我们说了很多。重点是,沁芝需要more happy, fun, laid back mood in the house。他说,小孩的世界还在建构的过程当中,小孩的世界脱胎自大人的世界。所以大人要做的是:

  1. Recreate who you are so you recreate her reality. Help her to create her own, she’s taking her time to develop her character thru parents (We are cocreating reality: when you change yourself, everything around you changes. What you perceive you conceive : change the way qinzhi conceive and perceive), . Up our assurance. Kids are very reactive, they are a mirror of our subconscious, they are very precise. We are shaping her world. Kids fr 3-7 yrs, live in subconscious, they react and absorb. Recreate who you are so you recreate her reality.  Learn how to create what you want. The more you affirm the more you show up.一念三千
  2. After 2 weeks: 3rd week reduce morning dosage by half: keep this for 3 weeks
  3. 4th week: Dosage becomes morning half night half: keep for 3 weeks then half again
  4. Home Energy:
  5. 1 week later: come back to Natalie to bridge and support.

我光是听也学习到很多。在期待、不断的尝试沟通,期盼、失望的过程中,感受到许多的不满、愤怒、怨恨,很多不平的情绪,让我开始可怜自己,为自己不值。在这样的时刻,是awareness让我从中获得解救。虽然也非常的不容易。在希望和失望里循环周旋。但是确实是awareness让我在这之中找到片刻的安宁。

John的话提醒我,也给我启发。不等别人了。不期待别人了。不改变别人了。先做好自己。自己修行。自己培养自己。然后我更加明白,为什么老师说,妈妈选择离世,因为她要我们看到一些东西。在最困难的时刻,我也会有片刻这样想——假如我不在,孩子丈夫可以依靠谁?我知道自己感受到莫大的压力。我知道了妈妈以前是怎么想,知道妈妈经验了什么事、什么过程、什么心情。

妈妈当初并没有机会遇到像是老师和John这样的人。提点妈妈。但是我不一样。我碰到老师碰到了John。知道可以创造、创建生活和未来。别过旧时旧事,开创自己想要的未来。为了我的孩子我自己,我必须用心用力去开拓去创造去创建,从过去解脱出来。

我想到这一点。然后身体里好像是什么开关打开了。知道了要用觉知去克服旧有模式和定律,慢慢尝试从过去的套笼解开自己。这样子去一步步的改变自己。改变生活。

那天去看专科,医生说,肚脐的cyst,是我和妈妈的联系。婴儿脱离娘胎之后,有的人的会消失,但是我的留了下来。我不记得以前有这个。这阵子才意识到存在。于是想到老师说,如果有一些悬而未决的事情,延续自上一代,那我们就会有解套的机会。

我要解的套是什么?是妈妈的生活方式,还是奉献方式?是妈妈没有和爸爸取得完善结局的什么吗?于是我在自己的婚姻也看到了。解不开反而把自己套住。

我想妈妈也有过这样的心情和困扰。我还是想说一下。尝试一下。当然不只是和父亲的关系,以及婚姻生活。还有妈妈牺牲自己,把他人放在自己之前的方式。不懂得照顾自己的方式。不舍得的方式。一切、种种。太多。

哪一些是妈妈?哪一些是我?必须划清楚了。

问John的意见,他冥想的样子,仿佛想感受什么,然后说:“There’s a lot of tension in your body and when there is tension, your body gets inflamed and the soft tissue flares up, but you are alright. You are so much better when i first saw you. “

Get back to the knowing.

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Healing XXXXXvi

去见老师

舒服许多

需要这个空间给自己给自己的情绪

老师说,沁芝的事他想了很多

也会做distance healing

那就是走进沁芝的energy field去感受去疗愈

老师说,沁芝因为爱,选择牺牲自己的健康,为的就是让我们看到我们不一致的步伐

为了沁芝我们真的真的不可以吵架了

老师给了许多个提议

-用左手画画,那就是用我们的unconscious mind画画

-沁芝刚入睡快起床的时候,在这个微妙的subconscious state最relaxed。这个时候输入信息最棒,因为吸收度最高。所以老师建议,因为沁芝的问题出在nervous system,刚睡时,不妨对沁芝说,you are peace and calm,如此告诉沁芝。或者想要她成为的样子。早上醒来,轻微tap胸口,说,沁芝起来了,也请沁芝的immunity system起来。调整sluggish immunity behavior

-老师说,要帮助沁芝,率先要做好自己。沁芝让我们知道我们not on theright track。所以改变自己,驶入正确跑道才是沁芝疗愈和康复的方法

-除了metamorphosis,老师重新提起tapping。把担忧的tap 掉,把想看到的输入。改变未来。

-问老师可以怎么清理家里的energy?老师说,可以把照相机照下家里的样子,摆在纸盒里,摆在吉祥物之下,每日送光。

-还有一点,就是communicate on the soul level

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Mary Bowens

dont make it happen, let it happen.

pilates is a way of living,

its a journey

,it is part of u. u think abt your body naturally and u grow into it.

on her teacher joseph pilates, she says he has this doggedness, that is awe inspiring. from 1926 to 1967, he repeated the same thing, day after day. he has this resolve to make the whole world healthier, he wanted to let the world know about pilates. he had a singular focus, and he didnt care about anything else.

i havent known any man who was like that in my life.

in a sentence, pilates is a way of relating to the body that embraces the whole body at once and encourages strengthening of flexibility, addressing symmetry.in the right structure, there will not be problems and aches in the body. and pilates adds alignment more than any other excercise. in every excercise, whole body is involved, toes knows, whole body knows, head knows, everything is v integrated.

people use too little of the body. you need to open up the range in your body, there should be a lifelong commitment to the health of your body.

there is so much more endurance and flexibility in my body now.

deepest goal in my psyche is to journey to the bottom of my own consciousness.that place is the most important place.

i was someone who didnt know how to sit down, i was totally active, so i learned to sit down and to be quiet.

to be passive is to be female. to be active is to b male.

and the truth is, we have a male consciousness in us females, that is why we are so much more hyperactive than males. there’ll be a big fight because if you do not let that, than u diminish the female side. its hard to tame that.

so when u learn to do nothing, you are more yourself.

the body led me into the depth of my journey, body was the teacher, everything becomes lighter in nature.

its not true that with age, everything shrinks. when i was 75, the spine was taking over most of the work, and as i watched it go far out, i realise, that’s the cat! i released the spine.we have that capacity! we can go very long if we get out of the head and let the body show us. that means a lot of life!

it is a life adventure to work with the body, all parts of it, its the way to grow yourself and grow instinctively. theres so much value in it. and go as deep as can u can go,

its not about the ego running a show, go further by inviting the body to open.

on the breath:

best breath is the yawn, its whole , superior and natural.

in my 30s, i spend 3hrs infront of a mirror and i couldnt yawn, later on, i realised that its the release in the body that produces the yawn. then i started to learn to breathe. and never stop it. dont cover it, in fact u need to advertise it. we are not doing enough!

it unlocks the tension in the body.

half of my life, i held my breath.

on death,

sometimes u think you conk out and its unfair,. so i always look for the next something, dont box yourself in.

but the next thing to happen is to die.

and it will be the new thing for each of us. that made peace with me.

steve jobs was the one who dies totally conscious. and the only 2 words he said as he approched death was,

wow. wow

and i thought, thats not bad, thats not bad at all.

philosophy of life

tips-

1)ground your whole body. when u r tired, u tend to sink and u dont feel well.then get your body in a lift.

lighten up by pulling yourself up, lift, and feel light to be right

you want to be in your core, because thats the engine that will keep you light.

2)flex your little toes, focus, try.

3)Sit on the edge of the chair

4)horse neighs on the inhale but we speak on the exhale, if you learn to neigh like the horse,

its so deep that it lifts you up and brings you up, all through the trunk. and all done on air.

5)talk to the body to work with it, the conscious is part of it, u cant be here to do without it, there has to be gratitude to the body, in terms of mindset and attitude, you learn how to make your body better.

start by moving anywhere you like, when somewhere hurts, you got a problem, explore what makes it not hurt.

6)cat poses in bed to relax spine

7)lying in bed, pull kness to chest

8)look right n left to release stiffness in head

9)stretch legs

10)get your body to stretch

stretches are wonderful, do all sorts of things to open up your body and the sides

climb up the wall with your fingers, go up on your toes,

why not use them?

dont make anything happen, dont try to make it happen. allow it to happen.

There’s something in the body, its looking within yourself to find yourself when you work with your consciousness. And after 56 years of having the mind with the body, i m still constantly checking myself.

on life/aging,

keep developing yourself in what you choose to do, you will be a gift to the world .its not how much money you make,

be totally engaged, know what you are about.

go deeper, what you find is your mission.

its surely to love, and not b afriad.

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Healing XXXXXv

Teacher specially made time for me even if it were a last minute call to him. And I understood why. I cannot say how miraculous it was but he told me it was because he had been through my path.

His daughter suffered from epilepsy at 4, he quit his job and went on to discover for himself all sorts of healing methods he could apply for his precious one. He says, “My daughter is my teacher and the reason why I m here today. In this healing practice, because as I worked on her, i discovered and began to work this on more people. She had a big attack at age 4, then alls good for one year. Then another one one year later, then it became more frequent. But the medication had a lot of side effects so i took a bolder way, she did not use medications, but by age 8 she was doing well and now she’s recovered.”

Wow.

I have seen him for 55 sessions, is that the reason why I have been seeing him.

Like a bigger hand that has a plan and is guiding me to it? Or, was I the planner——-How did everything get its place? How did i come to this position, or how did my family members and love ones find theirs in the now?

We approach not knowing.

I told teacher about Qinzhi’s seizure, and the big one she had on 27th December when we were holidaying. She woke up really angry and having mood swings. I handed her ningxia red and got her to drink, and she got really sore and let out, “why every morning like that?”

We asked her about this. Like what? we probed. Her brother was clearer, “Mommy, you always ask us what we want, but in the end, you gave us what you want.” But Qinzhi chose to keep quiet. She didn’t say or couldn’t say. She was struggling emotionally and she could not handle and the big seizure happened. I find her at the toilet dazed and not responding. We carried her to the bed. She vomitted out all the things she drank and remained to have impaired awareness not responding to us. Her dad cried and she could still wipe a tear off his face. But still remains in her world. I did not find this right and he carried her down and we drove sent her to the nearest hospital 20 min away. In the car, we kept rubbing her toes and talking to her, i sprayed mist on her and she responded, her hair fell and she responded. But she just did not say.

Did not say anything. Pinched her and got her round, she said ouch and gradually came to. But was afraid knowing we are sending her to hospital.

I told teacher about all this.

I told teacher Qinzhi was what Daddy and myself had after a 10 year relationship , after mom, uncle, his mom, passed away all in a very dramatic way. Through those years, we were together learning to patch our life back using what little mindfulness we had, we fumbled and made our way—on hindsight, really with blessings from above. Then we applied and got our house, and planned for marriage, that was when we discovered we had Qinzhi, after a korea trip —-some 5 months before before the day we were suppose to get married.

With a marriage certificate.

I was fixated on steps. I was educated to. You had to do this before you do that. You had to follow this and definitely DO something before you could arrive at that.

You had to get a marriage certificate before you are legally married and have a baby.

It was societal. If you did not follow, you were sort of the lesser crowd. AT that time. Also my tribe was big, my extended family was a big one and everyone was about getting things right. If not it was frowned upon and discussed on the side. If not, you risk the criticism and disfavour of grandmother.

It was like that.

And I had been a good student obeying all the rules all the while.

Only this time.

Yet Qinzhi is letting me discover the wonder of joy and magic in life. Of a blossoming. Of all the little and big things in life. Qinzhi led me on to wonders after wonders, morphing me into completeness along the way.

Now i look back, it was after giving birth to Qinzhi, that i started my healing journey. I blossomed I morphed.

But i was not able to cross that point when i conceived, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, i didnt knew how to take this news, Mom was already not here then. It was my nanny who knew first and started cooking for me.

Teacher listened and said, “So now can you already accept this?”

I honestly still feel that I have not resolved this, logically it looks really silly how these norms and watertight rules should override the precious magic of life. Silly, laughable, ignorance.

But truly i was under the spell of this.

And now I m writing, perhaps this was my way of rejecting or refusing and rebutting of those “norms” I was subconsciously not agreeable to. I wanted to challenge those. So I went against the tide having Qinzhi.

Teacher says, “Qinzhi can feel all this. Being not welcomed enough. For beings who feel this way, they become closed up in their own system and their own world. Like a defence mechanism.”

I asked what I can do about this.

Strangely I been having this feeling about reading my blog to her. When I discovered my pregnancy.

Teacher suggested this method called metamorphosis. Its putting your hands into a butterfly shape, recounting the time i was pregnant and moving and working with the pulsations at the points the fingers connected. Working on this for 10 days, 1 day represents one month.

Very nicely, he says that I can let him know when i start so he can support me.

I told him, Qinzhi has been a guiding teacher in my life. She kickstarted me to adulthood and my learning journey as a person. When I had panic attacks, and had to bring her to the music lessons, it was her hand that held on to mine to give me energy. But now, her hands are cold and limp. Her hands were always warm and full of energy. But in return for giving, we scolded her badly.

We gave her what she didnt want. We gave her what we want. We did not listen to her. We did not hear. We did not take heed and take care of her. We could not appreciate her heart and the voice there. We did not respond to her. Her pleas or her refusals to follow us. She just continued to take that. We did not see her at all. And now in her seizures she doesn’t listen or respond to us.

And I know realise this LACK OF RESPONSE IS HER LOUDEST RESPONSE.

Teacher explained Qinzhi’s epilepsy to me, “because she said and you did not take heed, you did not hear. So Qinzhi has chosen this path to make you listen.”

“She has chosen this pathway to subject herself to this to make you sit up and listen. You can not ignore this or subject her to hurt anymore. Help her find her light and become the light and wonder she wants. Not what you want.”

Teacher also cautioned us on a few things. That when the seizure happened, adults are in shock too.

“And so we need to take cake of this as well. When adults are worried about the next attack—-you portray and create an energy field and more often then not, it leads to the subsequent attacks.”

“We have to be very mindful about this and there are things we can do.”

“Turning eyeballs. Rightwards 3 times and leftwards many times. Rightwards you times, imagine yourself in a time machine, and pushing a button gets you back in time to the time the seizure happens. When you are there, the eyeballs go leftwards. To release the energy of the incident.

Be creative about this. You can change things by changing or breaking the energy pattern in the fifth dimension. Now that you are in a safe position and turning your eyeballs leftwards, you can see clearly the situation then. How would you react? Visualise and use your imagination. Would you react the same way? Or would you give Qinzhi a gentle hug? You will see her eyes shine. Or if your husband and son is there, all of you can hug her. Doing this is creating a new pattern a new energy and this will impact the energy now and here.”

ReWRITING. ReWIRING.ReBOOTING.

There is a lot of comfort you find in —-being able to address something which has passed. Like the least and at the same time the most you can do.

Teacher also taught about the helpfulness on massaging the spine to remove blockages in there which could affect clarity and our nervous system.

Teacher also cautioned us that we should not quarrel in front of kids because they do not know how to handle and process. “Like Qinzhi says, when she’s going to have seizure she feels like she cannot handle it. Kids cannot handle. So you and and your husband has to have a contract, how do you handle or manage differences? You have to sort that out. But NO—not infront of kids.”

“For every child, he or she looks for a nurturing mother and a protective father. When you had panic attacks, you had to be away, Qinzhi has to find protection in her father too to establish close relationships with you, and subsequently this will affect her as she starts to establish her relationship with the world.”

He also encourages us to look deep within —-in fact the first step would be exploring and putting in place and moulding our relationship as husband and wife, to achieve to sense of deeper bonding and understanding, a better cohesion of our relationship and changing things from within before we can address and make changes to our relationship with Qinzhi.

I told Teacher that I was trying to digest this along the way.

That day in Tasmania, it was winter solstice. That day i saw a FB post on one of my friend’s page and it read—-Read that Winter Solstice is a reminder to let everything go and begin again. Not just on 22 Dec but on any given day, any given moment. Winter Solstice is both the darkest day and the return of light. It is when things are darkest that light is about to return. It is the deepest part of night that the new day begins.

How poetic how right. No wonder the old folks always say, winter solstice is like the new year and we have the tradition of eating tangyuan or circle shaped dumplings on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Everyday in Tasmania, we drove past majestic mountains and land masses which opened up to the sun. That winter solstice day in Tasmania, as the kids slept in the car, I looked at the sheer vastness, the mountains the trees the openness and the tears just flow.

Life is so big.

The understanding is a bit different now. Its not that of having to succumb but that of reverence, respect and a humbling that comes with this new understanding of life that sent these tears of appreciation. It’s realisation and perception, a very powerful one. Seeing this allows you to put alot of things in pespective and to trust the process. Its not letting go but trusting the work and the underlying hand. And that’s when we can rest with the flow, ride with it and COCREATE.

I also thought about transformation. And using this as an opportunity to change and alter deep seated arrangements and practices, melting away things thoughts attitudes feelings emotions ways of life that do not work anymore.

Seeing this is amazing, its the practice that Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche has put in place these few years.

I also see the transient nature of life. In our last session, I remember telling Teacher that we can prepare for certain things. But apparently, not at much as we would like to.

I have never felt life so precious in a long while. Or appreciate its fleeting nature so greatly. The last was probably mom’s, uncle’s, auntie’s death as it loomed.

We forgot about appreciating the idea of impermanence in life, even if it was so true so real.

And I shared with Teacher that I also see this as a blossom or a ripening of sorts. That when conditions are present, or ripe, a fruit and flower blossoms. And learning to embrace this and letting down our preconceived notions about what should or should not why this and why not.

More importantly, the change has to come from within. He says, “For Qinzhi who is closed up, how do you breakthrough that? You have to address the close systems within you, you have to open up and change within yourself your old ways, so that she can see this happening to you to inspire her change and transformation.”

Teacher also shared about sharing important information with kids when they are most relaxed. That is when you are about to drift into sleep and the subconscious mind comes up to receive information. Understanding this can let us better use this precious time to transmit and send information to our kids.

“Look at this positively, and you can use this opportunity to transform.”

I asked Teacher how do i say goodbye to 2018?

He thought for a while, “by letting everything go back to Mother Earth, this grounding sense of energy, and renewing with her in her presence. When you let go, there is renewing of energy.”

And welcoming the new 2019?

“Welcoming Qinzhi back into your life and welcoming 2019 can be in tandem. If I were you, I will give her a big hug and say to her, how how how precious she is to you and the family.”

I told Teacher, if this is the time I should stop my work and come back to my family, it seemed to be the thing to do, to make myself feel better. But i also thought i want to put up a fight for this, to continue my work but adjust my time so that i show up for my kids at home when they are back from school. Teacher ‘s advice is, “Your work is your life, its how you concrete and gets inspired by life and inspire. I certainly do not see that quitting is the appropriate thing to do. But SURELY, showing up and listening to your kids and seeing who they are and changing within you to break down old systems and modes.”

I cannot say how powerful this teaching —-this teaching of life is. The work i have done in my professional field has been preparing for me to address my own. When i offer myself to the interview, to the newsmaker, to the chefs, i listen intently and with all of my heart. And I find out their light and put it in videos.

But I haven’t really offered my presence to my Qinzhi, the one who has taught me so much and kickstarted my healing journey to understanding life.

How can my works be sincere if I do not show up for Qinzhi and listen to her being.

And all these healing sessions, these 55 sessions of them, is truly powerful because I unlocked so much and found so many messages that gave me deep insightful understanding of how life works.

Most of all, teacher taught me about listening and offering his presence to me. Or to my soul development. And I think this is truly truly valuable truly precious. He taught by way of example. And I m very inspired to take the cue and do this for my Qinzhi.

To myself and my life, to truly listen to voices and let it shine.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

0

Healing XXXXXiv

The opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to say out voices from the heart. 

Not only mine but also my interviewees. It’s finding my own voice and then finding out others because life is resonance.

I only figured it out after I have been in media for like 19 years.

To which Teacher says, “ this is the gift from your mother”.

I was confused.

It was hard to swallow. I know we complete others and ourselves.

But knowing it now, it feels like in a movie of sorts and you now know the truth —— which you have been in all this while, living this truth while not knowing it.

Like all planned for by Mom or a bigger hand but . But no.

Because any point in time, I would have turned out any other way. But I did not.

“You expressed what your mother did not. Maybe she was really like you too but she couldn’t find her voice nor say it out. You did it for her.

This is healing.”

More than anything , it was teacher’s sense of accomplishment that let me realize how good this is

I thought of my daughter. When bf is ride to me, I would habitually take it down, like my mother would. But Qinzhi would bite back to defend me.

Teacher said, “honor her. This needs to be.”

I specially went to see teacher before I left. I wanted a roundup of sorts.

My classmate had passed away. And when I heard the news, I felt like I knew that feeling I felt. 

I was frozen like how I felt when mom, uncle auntie, passed away. People I knew seemed to go suddenly.

The difference was—— I knew I m frozen.

The awareness like Tsoknyi Rinpoche says—- about the imprints that are left in our lives, is good to help me breakthrough.

Those few days I felt like there was a lot going on in the subconscious body. Lots of things popping up. Unsteady feelings, fear negativity…,

I told teacher —— there is no more once one is dead.

He reminded me about how we discussed the soul moving on for betterment. The journey continues at the soul level.

I knew this. I told teacher I knew. Because with India with Khadro-la, I experienced the length of time. And you just knew. 

But more than not, we would use our mundane humane consciousness to understand it at our level.

Of this journeying of the soul, He says,“ it is about going home. Or going to where we came from. We r light bodies and for some reasons, we fell from that state and become what we are. And everything we do has no right or wrong but is our way of navigating towards the way back—- to the style light beings.”

I was rather fascinated by this theory. I haven’t thought through yet but it seems to hold some promise.

I said that even if I knew the soul continues a journey after a lifetime , we would use our limited knowledge and wisdom to understand death. Even if deep down we knew the soul progresses , it’s not the same to embrace this.

Teacher asked me why I m so affected by my classmate ‘s passing. He stresses that each time we talk abt smtg, the emphasis is on why this something hit us, rather than the story itself.

I said it is because of its suddenness. The realness or reality about life is how subtle it can be and I have seen it go so easily more than once. 

So many locked up emotions in me. And until I said my goodbye to my friend, did I feel better.

But the way this affected me—- was a little bit more —- like waking me up to say- hey it’s time to get serious.

No more pushing away or closing an eye.

I said that of course we could try n cushion this , like preparing or allocating resources doing a will so that when it stops somewhere, there is at least little things that people can hang on to 

But as I was saying this—- no, life really can slip away to nothingness.

I guess it is a sense of control you are losing and understanding that from the outset like you can not control birth, neither do you have a handle over death

Smtg bigger than yourself you have no way over and learning to see that no matter how you have tried to master , you go with the flow

It also is about appreciating life and making the best out of this opportunity 

Which begs the question—- what is the meaning or purpose of life? 

I told teacher life is precious because of the life it brings. Such such precious opportunity.

I have read that it takes a lot to become a human and now we have. We HAVE!

We CAN do things we CAN contribute we CAN change the world we CAN do so so so many things 

Life is so big it’s humbling

We are so small yet we CAN change n make things better

The big n little of it——— is just unfathomable and amazing

I told teacher my understanding of life is that we are given an opportunity to right wrongs or pursue yet again smtg we could do better. Like when I gave birth to my second child, did all the things I did not do right or the way I liked

I said I like to interpret it once more. And the practice all these years———would be for me—— to learn to speak out (I rem I was a reporter and I didn’t dare ask qns in the beginning) it was learning to find my voice and acknowledge its importance

Then I did not dare to ask questions I was quiet n timid

I did not feel like my question mattered 

Then it was writing food reviews and questioning if my opinions mattered

then it became learning to express or speak the truth, confronting my father and myself 

and then afterwards———-learning to speak with heart and from the heart.

To tell a real story that reflects another’s life another’s heart and soul

Each time I could find a way out on my own, I could go to the next level and I saw it in my work

It matters to me a great deal. And in the process I get to work with my inner self too. And gets pushed in the direction to look in-depth within me

Coincidentally a few days later I had the chance to visit saint pierre n once I sat down I saw a note from chef —— that says out everything I prob need to say.

“creating food to b enjoyed savoured and loved has been my calling. Finding the path to remain grounded and true to my mission has been my quest. My training is deeply seated in the flawless flow of harmonious energy which has inculcated in me an intuitive acknowledgement that our surrounding karma is the resultant action of our own making…..”

And ends with “ from my heart to your table”

I could almost change it to become

“From my heart to your iPhone” now that people consume the videos I make on iphones 

Shared this with teacher and he says, “ why are you touched?”

I say “The short note the chef puts on the table haha is like summarizing what I did!”

For me.

All these years, the people I met the stories I do tend to say out for me my values my emotions my heart my life

Like a mirror 

Like an echo from my heart which found a way back to me

Before I left, teacher encouraged me to celebrate myself and my achievements. To honour myself

“It is v important to honour the things you have done. You have been one of the very few who has have the awareness to work within and with yourself to achieve breakthroughs. And you manifest these in your life. 

Your stories touch always and that is the your style. I look at them when you share them with me. “

And the best he says is he wanted to share them further.

This is great support and encouragement to me. Coming from teacher. He probably saw that I need the affirmation.

在四季酒店的spa。服务员介绍设施的时候说,某个水疗的设施对于颈部疼痛有帮助。

于是就在那里,用水洗涤身体不小心收下的酸痛。

I try to work with myself whenever I have the chance 

想到害怕。妈妈去世的时候,躺在病床上,我好像都没有跟她说什么。我问自己,就像每次老师会问我那样——如果回到那一刻,你会对妈妈说什么?

直觉告诉我,我会说—-你怎么都不好好照顾自己?怎么老是把自己放在最后?

然后想到——我也是。不管是在家里公司,说话的时候,总是先想到别人,自己排后头。

可能这就是我的功课。我看看沁芝,也是这样——不断礼让弟弟,自己的情绪在最后。

要学!

而且是从内而外烁的。什么是照顾自己?

除了食衣住行,还有就是不断修补康复自己。

我回忆起外公公公、外婆、舅舅、姨妈、妈妈、ah kiat去世时的突然,尝试和那些惊悚的片刻交流。

知道生命是这样,也不是。

所以不用被这些套牢,可以释放。可以呼吸。I tried to breathe to let go off the trauma. And to acknowledge it

我记得自己如何努力用力活在妈妈的期待之下。然后看到沁芝。

她在努力以及不想努力当中。俨然一面镜子。照见我。难怪我也在半推半就之下。

我意识到,即便我什么都不做我还是妈妈的女儿。沁芝也是。

沁芝不是什么或者得做什么才是我女儿。看到这点很重要,好像突然之中有什么释放了

I have been living up to my mother’s expectations and did way beyond but it doesn’t mean anytime me even if I have excelled

But when I write a good story I know

That is the satisfaction,  nourishment.

I want to stop that old me and spend energy with the latter to say out voices from the heart

Real raw voices that has been really experienced but only had a place in the heart

But it shouldn’t just be 

A lot of voices can find resonance and an echo

Life is so big there’s space for these voices

They needn’t be kept down 

And I know that Qinzhi will have a similar love of her life that does not require my expectations 

She should be free from it from me and the sooner the better

She has to fly and fly I did 

That day I interviewed a young three star chef, I was touched. 

He had been the second in command but now he’s got three stars. He seems too young for his claim to fame and he has not displayed convincing enough stature a chef would have. He says he isn’t afraid of difficulty. 

Because he now has an opportunity and he just wants to make the best he can out of it.

So he is not afraid of challenge nor difficulty. I was touched and I knew why.

Because I m like this too.

When the door opened for me here, I displayed this mentality whether it was as little as an interview, a video project or something as big as sales.

So I was really touched. Instantly I realized and I acknowledged myself then.

Looking back, I begin to understand how this all come into place and how everything is starting to make sense. 

It was humbling and really enlightening.

But, I came back from my work trip to find Qinzhi n Huaihao at the airport waiting for me 

Then daddy told me the news

Qinzhi has a seizure last Sunday and was sent to hospital. She was having dinner and she stared into space and is not exactly reactive for ten plus minutes

After an EEG the hospital found spikes in her left brain and suggested an mri

I was weak from listening to this but I quickly asked for an appointment to the specialist and got it at 9am the next day

I went into the mri scan with Qinzhi n waited 

At 2pm the doctor called to say it looks like the mri is clear 

But because she had another seizure this morning, this is considered epilepsy 

Qinzhi has to b put on medication for 2 years to suppress the seizure n to let the wiring get better

I did not know how to take this

I was extremely relieved to hear the scan didn’t show anything but this is a lifetime of work to do with zhi

I looked back at the last message she sent me and after replying her I asked if she did work 

When I saw that I was so angry with myself—-is that all I can ask of her?

When I cleared things in my store I saw her write 沁芝♡妈妈。

I haven’t listened all this while

I did not hear her at all

I was oblivious to Qinzhi when she needed me. I didn’t know how to love her as a mother.

This is so torturous 

I did not think about how she felt at all

I didn’t care at all 

Daddy asked Qinzhi if she wants to keep her hair long

Qinzhi says,” mommy says I got to pass my exam”

I felt so guilty

Like how my mother’s word meant to me.

I said smtg that I do not mean totally but became the decreed for Qinzhi this that stuffed her tortured her 

But I got so fearful thinking that I may lose her or if anything happened to her 

Daddy cried so hard-he said he felt soo for Qinzhi because if his mother was around there would be someone to love her.

But I said, it’s not true. Hui n gor love her more than themselves.

He asked,”were we too harsh on Qinzhi? “

Yes I said. We did not know how to love her

I did not 

Qinzhi came earlier than expected 

I was five months pregnant when I got married 

Maybe subconsciously I did not accept this well. So Qinzhi was always feeling inconfident and unwanted

She was always not at the centre while her brother was

And she always subjected herself to the sides

I thought about how I scolded her during the exams.

“Don’t you know how to do this?”

“Qinzhi why are you doing this to me? “

We brought Huaihao to the Chinese doctor and I was pushing her to do maths all the way

I front of other people in public 

I did not consider how she felt at all

I hurt her so much and she couldn’t have an answer 

She loves me so so much but I only questioned her this way——to a 9 year old

I imagine her at a total loss blaming herself 

She couldn’t take it

Yongjuan says’ “Maybe her mind wanted to shut down from something external .  Too stressful , she wanna run away”

Maybe medically they call it epilepsy but this was really really due to the stress caused by the exams and me

Each time she didn’t know how to work on her math she just stood still 

This time it got serious 

I feel so regretful 

Although the doctor says this has nothing to do with stress but I feel like 

I single handledly caused this. Qinzhi was such a happy child just last week or a few days earlier and now she’s been having two seizures and we do not know when is the next

And when I see other kids who r normal and do not have to take medication, my heart has so much pain and regret

I brought this upon my daughter, I want my healthy happy daughter back

And I m going to do all I can to bring her health and happiness back

I m going to channel all my energy to healing her and bringing her back to balance

Both daddy and I talked about this

And we really want to change as a family 

To cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and to open Qinzhi up 

Qinzhi has too many things on her mind in her heart and she doesn’t say it out

Sorry doesn’t amount to any effect but I want to seek Qinzhi’s forgiveness and from myself and daddy 

Qinzhi does not have a voice,  the opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to find and acknowledge my own, then helping others to voice out their heart, and now its about helping Qinzhi find and say out her voice from the heart. 

0

Healing XXXXXiii

I told teacher I didn’t really know how to continue, coming back from Ishinomaki. I said i was like shaken, and I just couldn’t find a footing.

I felt like —-i needed to sort out or process my thoughts. They were all jumbled up. Why could kids still attend school a few days after tsunami? Why does an old man want to keep a staircase his wife grabbed before she died at home? Why does he not drink alcohol anymore? Does he need to be this sober? My intrusion into Ishinomaki and this place’s intrusion into my life, disturbed me greatly. For what—–what?Is the meaning of life?

I told teacher about my life in the past 2 weeks. I was in Ishinomaki seeing how people picked up their lives, 7 years after the tsunami, there were new roads and buildings, but there was also old buildings that collapsed and still lie collapsed in the way. I saw people smiling like the tsunami has not happened. But I also saw people trying to deal with deep seated grief singing their hearts out in church. Then I went for Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s retreat, who shared about how each of us had accumulated and lived out of imprints in our life, looking out at life with these lenses and not getting an accurate picture out of our lives because we were forever continuing with our imprints and reinforcing them. Then I had the opportunity to get my seat in business class and flew to HK with a good class hotel and enjoyed luxuries and food that is top notch, rubbing shoulders with executives of the business world. And I came back totally in a state of blur.

I told teacher also about my boss who shared a story about how his plane found itself in a technical glitch and he thought he was going to die. He in turn shared about a young lady who made a decision and lost her life. I asked him what he gleaned out of this sudden experience? And he said, 看开一点. Or allow things to go if you can. In life, a decision can lead you the other way. We had a little chat about the meaning of life. And he said he was going to bring his wife for a holiday. How lovely I thought, this realisation. THIS UPLIFT OR ELEVATION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. When he said , 看开一点,i really felt clouds emptying out a middle spacious pathway. Like it lessened my load too.

Teacher shares that everyone’s consciousness is not static and will change with times. He says that with the stories i shared all this while, there seem to be a commonality, and it is the suddenness and abrupt change which instigated a switch in people’s modes or thinking or system. He asks, “do you realise that in the stories you shared? the people you interviewed, they experienced a seismic change in their life after a particular event?”

And yes. Like the couple who took me to Ishinomaki, the wife recovered from depression and the husband quit his job afterwards. Like Alain Passard, who decided to switch completely to plant based cuisine after having managed—like he said, the corpses of animals.  

I told teacher I was sort of envious about their decided decisions, they make a switch and turn in their lives and all for the better it seemed. They lived in tandem with their innate rhythms and did what their inner wisdom or soul would like. But teacher reminded me that I had done this too.

“Try and recall, when you had a seismic change in your life. What was the decision you made? What did you do? Actually you, like them made a decision too, its just that you magnified their decisions but actually its a decision they made in their lives and you have too.

I came to the understanding pretty quickly. Yes I did, i made the decision when my mother passed away, in such a quick instant it went unnoticed, but make a decision i did.

And that was—to toughen up. Teacher asked me why? I said it was to deal with life. It seemed like at that moment, I had to grow up and toughen up to handle life.

But now, I understand that I need not be that tough one, I can be my own in life.

“Yes…yes…”

And this made me understand why I love my work so much. Like what Passard said of loving to cook, he said it was because cooking brought him to be more in tune with his senses. 

And that was what my job and practice has brought me all these years, to be touched by the people i met, the thing they said, the food i ate, the things i saw. These all let me get in touch with my deeper self, they came at my senses and shook them back to life, melted away the tough outer shells and got me in.

Now I understand why I love what I do. Because they break down this outer shell which I had unwittingly put on in an instant when mom passed away. But my practice and work breaks down these walls, and showed me myself without these walls. I love the me this way. I do.

Teacher reminds me, “the people who came into your life the way they did, are like a reflection to show you, to tell you something and a message. Once you hear and take heed, they might not appear in your life the way they did anymore.”

I spoke about Ishinomaki. I told Teacher I didnt know how to make sense of it all. Was I numb to this? I seemed to be there and not there, i seemed to feel things and not. Was I blocking this out?

But Teacher could sense something more.

Gentle as always, he says that I have, tapped onto the feelings of fear people there have when they experienced the tsunami.

He asked me to first connect myself to Mother Earth, feel that I m standing on the ground before he sought to help me process the emotions I have tapped into.

“Imagine you are now in Ishinomaki, how do you feel?” 

I said i felt fear. 

“Where is the feeling of fear in your body?”

My legs I said. I felt my legs feel light and without support. I felt a sense of rising fiery feeling. I sort of could sense people running escaping fearing for their lives in fear.

Teacher saw my brows knit together and asked if i had anything to said. I shared this with him and as I felt this, i felt what my father must have felt when he decided to flee.

And i told teacher, that i have experienced this fearful way of running for one’s life too. That was when we run away from our home and looked for shelter at Auntie’s. Even if we lived in the block of flats, we ran away from ours. And walking back to our block, we had to be careful to hide ourselves and be watchful. To lower our heads to walk.

“And how does this feel? Were you angry?”

I said i didnt understand why i had to hide, why i had to live this way for something I never did. To be in shame. There was alot of perturb and alot more things I couldnt understand. Did Dad had to run away? It was abrupt, everything was sort of well, mom covered up everything and shouldered everything. Until one fine evening, they called us into the room to announce dad is going away. I couldnt understand this. Teacher ask if there was any point in time that I could refute the decision? And I said no, we just had to take it. Teacher explained that Mom shouldered everything, and hid it in her, deep deep down in a bid to protect us. She kept quiet and it tore her life her soul, but that was her way of protecting us. 

I am different. I preferred to speak out the depths of my soul and to bare myself if i need. But I could understand the decision mother made, not the best, but probably the best she could afford and fathom there and then in that situation. And it was for us. I said i appreciated my mom for that. But I m different, i m ready to let the children know that as parents we have times when we dont see face to face, that is okay, just that I wanted my husband to be mindful of his speech when he is unhappy so as not to hurt our children.

Teacher understood this all. “So when it came to you, you exploded. So its an imprint on you, what your mother chose. You carry that energetically and you seek to breakthrough.”

I told Teacher i wrote to dad the night before he left, the content was something like, running away isnt the end but is in fact the beginning. 

“And what were you trying to say to your dad? What was your intention of saying this?”

I said it was to tell him no matter where he ran, family is where we are and he would have to come back someday, sometime for us and to settle his case and his issues. 

I told teacher about the lack, because I had shone all along, i was performing all along up to or even beyond Mom’s expectations of me. But that period was dark and broken, it was a period in my life that I didnt really want to look back on.

And this is exactly what Ishinomaki did to me. It brought me back no matter how much I didnt want it. But my soul wanted it, and the universe planned for this chance for me to be there.

Teacher said, “This probably really is a time that gave you so much pain you didnt want to go back. You had the reactions, being slightly detached when you are there, because its too painful to go into then.”

I said yes. I surely don’t want to be reminded of that past. I was so so broken. But looking back, it has been such a journey, this building of my self back, this healing journey, piecing together the life, the memories, the pain and the beautiful. I told teacher about seeing weeds coming out of the spaces in the kerbsides. And that gave me alot of strength. That is me, finding a way to weave my way out. And this really is me, the way I show up. I told Teacher this is also the streak my boss has in him that I can identify and follow.

Teacher asks, “Imagine, touch wood, that this is the last day of your life. What would be the things that you really want to do? I thought of going back to my family, then teacher pushed on, “Imagine its the last 15 minutes of your life….” I thought about my daughter and my father and the unresolved issues. But they dont seem as important anymore. I told teacher, that if in the past, I felt it was difficult to forgive him. Now i find it easier and I m willing. It seemed that those werent as important anymore. I could understand why he run away. And the feeling is, it doesnt really matter anymore.

It seemed like i have loosened up a wee bit. And I felt better and more at ease with myself having arrived here.

I spoke about my daughter and my expectations of her, and reacting to her from my imprints. And teacher asks, “and you feel guilty?”

Yes i said. 

“Did you do these consciously or when you were not mindful?” I said it was mostly unconscious effort when i interacted with qinzhi. i have been passing down what I knew, what I have been taught or expected of me to my girl. I havent really been reacting to her from a basal point of no imprints. To which teacher said, “and so, no need to feel bad, you did not do that on purpose. But you see, you passed on the imprints, and it rests on her to resolve this.”

Just like how I m trying to resolve issues my mother has faced.

Teacher says, “and i know you do not want to pass on imprints or let the next generation suffer like you.”

We discussed the meaning of life. I didnt really have an answer. I told teacher, i was extremely touched during the Tsoknyi Rinpoche retreat, because of his presence. I thought what was really touching was when Rinpoche said, live a healthy, happy and meaningful life. But what is meaningful life? Its so difficult to answer. And during the refuge taking ceremony. I thought how nice! How blessed! to be able to find shelter find beliefs find guidance hope and light when one needs? I feel also v blessed to have the opportunity to listen to these teachings and to be here and to have shelter deep inside.

Teacher says, “The meaning of refuge actually is the way home, a place for you to go to. Your soul picked to be borne in this land, in this family to meet these people you have, because you soul wanted it. You have a purpose or something you wanted in this lifetime. Thats why you are here. When we did that little experiment, about living the last day of your life, you didnt talk about achievements, you talked about resolving issues close to heart. Achieving this sense of inner freedom and ease. For you,  the meaning of life is to heal yourself and to release yourself from imprints, i know you dont want to carry this over to the next generation. This is what you are here for.”

i told teacher i couldnt really enjoy or soak up the luxuries that were sent to me, i took it more for the personal space it gave me, a bit of grace to myself to be with myself. But for that, luxury has no deeper impact or meaning to me. But i had these thoughts on the plane

在商务舱看着蓝天白云,思绪起伏。
总是喜欢靠窗的位置,可以看到外面的蓝天。但是商务舱、有自己的空间的商务车,让我离开窗口远一点。

突然有点不知所措。或者说,不知道怎么continue。

生而为人究竟是怎么一回事。我都搞不懂了。
有迎接、拥有人生、幸福的喜悦
有老病死的担忧恐惧慌乱无助
如果有一个镜头在我面前,可能一会失笑一回哭泣

体验和经历的当下
是不是应该怀抱开阔雍容巨大的心?会不会有帮助?

我好像还有很多什么悬而未决没有彻底解决突破放低
但好像这些都不重要了

以前如何如何。重要的是眼前。未来。