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Ishinomaki

I interviewed Janice and Chi many years back when I was working at the Chinese Daily.

It was like an ordinary interview at a new restaurant. But their story was anything but ordinary.

Chi followed Janice on a mission trip to Ishinomaki. Then Janice was in the doldrums. Chi a workaholic put everything down and followed his wife to Ishinomaki.

For the record, Ishinomaki in Miyagi, Japan was one of the coastal cities that was hardest hit by the tsunami in 2011.

Chi hadn’t come from a well to do family . All this life, he was conscious of making enough to feed his family. So when he decided to put down work, it was for his wife, I remember Janice said, “he said, whats the point of earning so much money if my wife is unhappy?”

That trip changed his life.

“People over there, they lost everything. But they can still smile. It makes me wonder–Why are all these people behaving this way? But if you trust that tomorrow will be better, then it will be better! It’s the perspective of how you look at it. If you keep on worrying, everything will not turn well, because fear, or I use the word worry, is paying the interest that is not due.

Actually it may not happen but our fear cripples us, make us dare not move on, make us think we are only this small or we can only do this much. Or I’m not in the capacity to help someone, to listen to someone.

When he came back from Ishinomaki, he was born again.

After I went to Ishinomaki, I came back and I do not know how to move on. I really want to do something, I have this voice very clear that restaurant shall be called Ishinomaki. That’s how the whole thing started.

And I tendered my resignation a few days later. Without even knowing what is the next step—because this is the first time in my life I felt I hear something from God. I have never has this kind of feeling, when I look back, actually God is preparing me all the way. This is no coincidence, I let go everything. When I went with my wife, I just let go everything. That trip really woke me up.

We maintained contact all these years, little did I know that I would have a chance to make a video out of this, and to come to Ishinomaki to see for myself the Ishinomaki that changed peoples’ lives.

What is the meaning of letting go? like Chi said? I tried to imagine.

He said he felt very sure and was not afraid at all.

I think it means to rest and be at peace. To be so comfortable so loose that you can not control.

He said he was used to thinking and living in a state of lack, even if financial conditions were okay after having worked.

“But when I was young, I was worried about lacking.”

But he agreed that after letting go, abundance came in.

img_3642img_3646

We visited the Nozomi project one evening. Womenfolk were congregated into a safe space whereby they did handicraft work, putting together pieces of pottery that was found in Ishinomaki after the tsunami.

Sue who gave birth to this project and is still tending to this today after 7years say, there can be beauty in brokenness.

“We are all broken within ourselves, but in here, from here, is where beauty can be found. She found it a privilege to walk with the women here, mostly single mothers, and to listen to their amazing stories and strength.”

I was touched by what I heard. I loosened up and my voice shook. But I also observed myself thru the process, I was merely listening but not opening myself up enough to this experience. I was pretty closed.

I tried to open myself up and that was when I felt warm and was moved. I was trying to make sense of this feeling. That tight closed up feeling. Rigid and unmalleable, why?

I couldn’t really figure it out. Was it my fear of death? It doesn’t feel complete or perfect and it felt like I didn’t want the incompleteness or imperfection.

Like this place couldn’t really penetrate me.

Sue shared this story of jewellery pieces made out of pottery, being organic and not symmetrical. She once had a discussion with the women who made this and they say they want to make it symmetrical because they didn’t want to remember the tragedy. So they named the collections after their loved ones, who are washed over.

Sometimes a question pops up and there are tears which go into the jewellery.

After a while, the womenfolk told her they wanted to make the pieces organic again, and Sue says it shows about the healing they have received after all this while.

I find myself a little opaque to these.

Maybe I felt the lack as my family was broken, I didn’t want the echo…..or hear any more of these echoes of brokenness. I just didn’t want that memory of wretchedness. Aye yes it reminded me that I have something I need to work on within myself.

Broken myself inside, and I havent even addressed it. I didn’t really wanna open it up to peek into there.

And I haven’t found a way to asking these people about this state of wreck. How do I approach them or rather my own story or memory of wreck n lack?

But hearing these stories made me understand about strength. The sake brewery owner said he was so blessed to be alive, he was inspired to start another sake brand.

I wouldn’t be able to understand how folks here could go back to school too after the tsunami. But Sue said there’s an urge to go back to normalcy.

Somehow I get the idea or grasped the concept of strength. Drawing out inner strength from the depths of—perhaps your soul.

日本人的生命就在反覆的破碎和重建當中進行。很了不起的生命力。

I sort of watched my own emotions then and slowly softened at certain points. It was as if something melted, my voice shook a little. Sue teared.

Its time to open myself up to the brokenness in me.

不只。對我來說也是人生的教育。

我不知道还可以为Ishinomaki这条视频带来什么。

但是我鼓励自己以开放的觉知体验这里的一切

体验这里表达的一切

有时候做访问时,会被受访者说的话感动。

参加这里星期天的教诲活动

小孩子弹奏的音乐带领大伙

诗歌用摇滚敲击打鼓的方式表达

好像就是要激起藏在心里心底的一切想法感觉

里面有很多的热情很多的疼痛

越是大声越是愤慨越是无奈

原来我不需要再给什么

只需要懂得开放

就像Sue昨天讲,我问她,怎么在自己藏了很多起来背负很多之后还说,it’s a privilege to be walking with them

还有Chad说,a lot of times it’s not what we do or what we bring that helped

It’s our presence

我再一次学会什么叫做being present

存在 开放 地活在当下

为什么老先生失去太太过后可以微笑

他晚上回到家之后会不会夜夜流泪?

她在大浪来的时候爬上梯子爬到屋顶

然后建筑物倒下

老先生请求银行让他把梯子带回家

因为那是太太碰到的最后一件东西

这么痛苦的回忆真的要留在身边每天复习吗?

是复习痛苦还是借此让自己接受

这么harsh一个方式?

这么一个偏远的地方

居然有一个很强壮去、为数不大的团体

在这里支持重建

小小的地方

这些洋人决定在这里住下

生活

生活不是在公司里赶计划书看下一笔钱怎么赚到

生活不是你争我夺的大斗法

不是升迁降落的计算

是另一种的情绪起伏

关系到人生最重要的大事和小事的

为什么这些人会愿意远离主流的生活

什么是主流

什么才是对的正确的选择

这些洋人说着日语

但可能比日本人更日本人

在这里长大的孩子会快乐吗?他们都活着大人的伤痛下

Looking at the sea.

That which brought abundance can actually be the very sea that takes the abundance out of your life.

But the sea may not be the one to be blamed

And looking at it. It seemed so wasteful to hang on to the old. Not just memories but old attitudes practices habits systems

The sake owner and the young man who started Fisherman Japan, both said that after the tsunami, they felt inspired to do something having grown up here. Just simply that they are alive.

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Healing XXXXXii

Healing xxxxxii

那天我只是想去做一个regular的mindspa

结果学到许多

一如往常

老师问我,他的工作是在哪里?

我说是,support my healing

他点点头:“就是让你看到你的光”

现在想起来,这是一件多么微小但多么了不起多么重要的事

不管是对家人孩子朋友同事甚至老板

如果我可以照见别人的光,让别人看到他们的光

多么温暖多么美好

怎么让别人看到他们自己的光?是自己也成为光吗?还是镜子?

我跟老师说,不知道为什么,我跟那些在一个高度放心、归零的人非常有缘

像是餐馆Ishinomaki的老板、江振诚、Alain Passard都是在一个高度上,说放就放

我说不知道为什么,总是能够在和大厨对谈的时候,透过他们的口,说出我的心里话。

有时候,是大厨说了什么,完整勾勒出我说不出把握不到的感觉

跟老师说:“Alain Passard说,对于他的一切决定,或生命中的点滴,他就是到现在也说不清楚。但有时候就是通过像是这样的访问和对谈,让他回头,一点一点拼凑出、了解到他的过程”

是啊!我也有这样的感觉

我问Passard,怎么会有胆子放下这么多让他餐馆得奖的菜?

他笑说:“怕?那就不要做。”

问他为什么这么享受烹饪?

他说,他家都是搞艺术的。从小他就喜欢用手探索。探索过程让他更多地接触自己的五官,让感官神经更加敏锐。

是啊!我也有这感觉!

老师问我,从踏入报馆到现在,自己怎么改变了?

我说成长跟获得,就是更加了解自己。知道自己写,可以不只是工作,第一次这样感受是在采访周华健的时候。

那时专访他,他告诉我他为兄长还债。我可以体认。因为我也在用赚来的钱,为父亲还债。

后来慢慢的,透过访问,有时候是学习、发现新知识,有时聆听别人的经验,照耀自己。有时是被安慰等等

我提到蒋勋的《带着金刚经去旅行》。里面蒋勋说到,一个学生刻印,带有拙趣

我很受吸引

说着流下眼泪

吓了我一跳。我原来那么被这句话触动

老师邀请我待一待,感受一下心里

让我了解到,我的感动是因为我也是这样

中学时候写作文,有许多的深字佳句我背起来了很期盼会用,但总是写着那些一样的简单的话

我不会雕琢复杂

我就是那样,原原本本简简单单干干脆脆

陈彬雁就是这样

老老实实

真真切切

从来都是

跟老师说,我打从心里有个lack的感觉,缺少缺失。我说,我不算特别富裕,但比下有余,有工作,有家庭,为什么还是感觉有缺失?

老师说,这个缺失可以从几个角度来看,从理性角度、从社会文化角度,以及超越一生、与生俱来的角度来看。

“你有屋子吗?三餐无忧吗?有孩子吗?有工作吗?”等等

这么说下来,知道自己应该感恩的很多。

老师说:“既然如此,你知道这个缺失并不是现实。那从文化角度,一个社会文化的继承。”

我可以明白。战后,我们的父母和祖父母,面对各种lack,我们就是这样,这样inherit了这样的energy。

还有一个,就是与生俱来的缺失,或是前世面对的强烈力量使然。再不然,就是告诉你,你有一些尚未和解溶解度课题。

我说我向往的是peace、wholesome或wholistic的感觉,

我说到对死亡以及突然死亡的恐惧,因为妈妈舅舅姨妈都是这样离开

老师说,resolve的方法就是回到那个memory。让这个情绪有一个Energetic release。因为突然来袭的shock总是让自己freeze

也可以转眼珠以及摇甩的动作

某一天,在摇甩下,真的就如老师说的那样,energy封锁在身体某一部分。很神奇。

我说出对健康的担忧。老师劝说:”健康已经在调整而且有专人看。疾病这件事不只和饮食有关,也和许多其他因素有关。生病这件事,即使许多高人也会经历。老师说:“所以我希望你可以更加的宽心对待。”

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Healing XXXXXi

The biggest lesson and inspiration gleaned from this mindspa session is:

– healing or life needn’t be painful

– it would be how you make of it

As always.

Healing can be beautiful, easy, wholesome so long as you open yourself to it.

And, many at times, we want to do a lot to help the world or others, but in fact, if you are well yourself, you are already giving your best to the world.

头隐隐作痛

胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开,整个脸发麻
在这样的情况下去见老师。
跟他说最近想不通的事还有做到的事,老师说,我还没来,他已经感觉到了。
跟老师说,老板有一个全球创意总监的任务给我,但是我一点也不起劲。而且老板对我的期望是,完成1000个video,做100万的video生意。
我直接跟老板说,我看不到这个100万。
我跟老师说,即便是现在,我已经觉得很忙碌,压力已经够大,没有这个能力,真的也不要去奢望更多。即便是现在,我已经觉得可以调整和进步的空间很大。而且找到好的人手困难。
我说,从现在这个位置已经有很多的学习。也看到很多了。我说我曾经和我的先生谈,因为进不到那样的高度,需要他的support。先生问我,为什么要做这件事?我说,那就是要改变。起到改变什么的作用。
如果真有让我向往的,就是看看自己的能力可以做到起到启发和改变。也不是说我不相信自己的能力。只是经常看到,每一个小小的改变就可以集大成造成大大的变化,我想看到的是自己所能给带来的影响。
想亲眼看看这件事。
我跟老师说,去做了身体检查,看到那个超标的CA 19.9,还有随之而来的scopes以及MRI的成果。
我跟老师说,最初是震撼还有后面来的,感到开心、如梦初醒的感觉。
我问老师,为什么细胞会改变呢?
我说我检测过 外在因素,饮食已经非常干净,用的产品也是,再来就是工作压力大,不过重点是inner peace和alignment。
老师告诉我一个例子,说明病态的思路会导致细胞变化。
我可以理解。
身体反映心。
心是怎样?身体就是怎样。
我们都是身心合一的。
我跟老师说,scopes之前,想到的一些东西。包括,还有哪些未了的事情,还没有解决好的?我想到和爸爸似乎还有些未完成的。我希望可以做到没有遗憾。我告诉老师,第一次,我想work towards a better relationship with my father.
然后不知不觉“入睡”,不知不觉,从黑暗中醒来。醒来之后,尝试回忆刚才在哪里停下。
感觉上,如获新生。
感觉上,赚到来时间,被赋予机会。
既然有了这个机会,那是不是要只要做自己最想做的事情?
我是这样想的。想这样跟老板说,今后我只想忙我想忙的,钱的不分我没有时间理会。
老实要我停一停。
闭上眼睛,感受现在。感受假如我停顿在现在。
假如我继续留在现在,心情是什么?
我说—-感觉上是还不能够让我看到最最张力的可能性。
他问,那身体呢?
我说很累。
老师说,所幸我清楚自己的可能性还有局限。
老师说,他多么希望对我说,go for it!但是他说,能力方面我没有问题,但是要注意的是健康还有家庭。
老师说,对一个男人来说,没有几个可以接收太太比较强。我没有看到这一点
老师说,我要学习work a plan帮助自己处理压力,因为是没有绝对的平衡的,但是可以有面对压力的态度,很多伟人都是为了大事业,然后牺牲家庭和健康,老师说,不希望我这样。
老师说,这一切都是看我自己怎么craft。
未来就看我自己怎么编织。
带着老师的话离开。
头隐隐作痛
胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开
头、脸、耳朵发麻。
我决定用一用Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche说的,跟panic做朋友。
于是下班后,带着我的恐惧担忧还有这几天的不安,去散步。
只是轻轻的知道有这些情绪就好了。
只是知道。
偶尔有念头来,就让它来,去,来,去。
然后只是清楚的知道。
慢慢的,脸、头、耳不麻了。不抽紧了。
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche的话管用了。
老师说,前面的路不一定平稳顺畅,但这是我的test,也是我的功课。没有人说,healing一定事怎么一个样子,一定就是痛苦的,也可以是美妙的,一切就看你自己怎么去定义怎么去诠释。
然后我似乎就明白了。
即便我现在不去承接这个,以后,以后再以后,我还是得面对这些,因为这就是为了让我突破、跨越的门槛。
我需要就承接、用开放的觉知去,并且很清楚很mindful地去进行。
Om
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Healing XXXXX

Life is a most amazing thing. Or, wonderful.

At least as of now, I finally can understand what it means when someone says, it is a gift. Life is a gift and the everything in it, of it in life—-are gifts.

Its hard to see this in the storm of it, but now that I look back, each and every single thing that happened in my life, is for me.

Because I needed them.

I went for my mindspa session yesterday and as always, Teacher has been most wonderful in facilitating the session.

IMG_1681

At the end of it, he says, “我有一个强烈的预感,或者,已经不是预感,你妈妈想通过我跟你说,她真的很为你感到骄傲。你的成长,你的突破,你的成就,一切。”

He says that he has a feeling—no, not a feeling, but an understanding that Mom wants him to pass this piece of info to me—that she is so very proud of me, my growth, my my attitudes, my achievements.

My honesty.

I remember when Mom passed away, i had a similar healing session, and the words that came out of it from Mom were,

“I m so proud of you, Go do what you think deem fit, You can Do it”

I had these words written down and they were always in front of me on my desk in my old office.

Teacher also said, “你的妈妈对你太重要了,你很在乎很在乎她。而且,你很想念妈妈,非常非常非常的想念。”

He said, “Your Mom is too important to you, you very much take her as the world. And, you miss your mother, a lot, a lot.”

I couldn’t sense it when he said this. Really? I thought?

When he said it, I thought of my daughter Qinzhi, i can sense that she sees the world of her mother—me, too.

Maybe more than how my mother feels to me.

And today, I finally understood what Teacher said.

I finally..honestly shared with SY how I felt about her niece’s sudden death, her 4 year old cutie niece, had influenza b 2 weeks back and that was the end of her young life.

I told her this, “SY一直没有勇气跟你说,也很怕让你难过。尤其看到你好像恢复平常的笑容,但是看到你们家小可爱就这么离开,真的很难过。我妈妈是这样走的,所以我很不愿意有人必须经历这样的心痛。难过到我不能呼吸。所以那几天你不在,我好像一直和你们在一起那样。不知道可以对你说什么,你那边怎样,我也不知道。你之前不让我去follow,但那几天你不在,我还是忍不住每天去看你的instagram。希望你那里一切还好。希望你们一家今后可以好好的,互相扶持,让时间疗愈。 may u b well n happy!”

“I didnt have the courage to say, and I was afraid you will be heartbroken, Especially now that I see you smile again, but seeing your precious little one go, made me very sad. My Mom left this way, and I didnt want to have anyone else experience this pain. I couldnt breathe hearing what happened to you. And in the few days that you are not in, i went to follow you on instagram, to see if alls well at your end. I hope all is well, and I hope your family stays strong, and allow time to heal.”

I got in touch with the pain of losing mother as I wrote this.

And I finally understand why Teacher said, “You miss your mother so much.”

And SY said to me, “没事 她一直在我们心里
时间会让大家痊愈
她这三年都很开心
很庆幸我去年还带了她去日本玩
我想你这期间也应该想起了母亲
希望你现在也已经在痊愈中
❤”

“Its alright, she’s living in our hearts. Time will heal everybody, she’s been happy these 3 years, I feel consoled that I brought her to Japan. I think you must have thought of your Mother this time, I hope you are already on the mend.”

Seeing this made me cry so hard.

When this happened, I didnt know what to say to SY, I didnt know what to do, I didnt know —until now—but now I do, this recent incident, sent me back to the time I lost my mother to a cold or flu, and when virus went to her heart. Mom left like that.

Now as I write I know, I was caught in that situation and trapped. In the world of healing, they call this—Trance.

All the feelings of pressure, helplessness, sadness came, and now I understand why I had all these unexplainable bouts of indigestion, bloating, pricks in the chest, heartache, backache.

All the pain and lack of support —they are all back.

And they remind me, there is something not resolved in my life, I m blessed and thankful I have Teacher with me to help me bridge the river I was to pass these 16 years.

Yes Mom, now I know —or probably not enough—-how I missed you, how important you are to me, how I see the world of you. How you love me, and how I love you.

It seemed like I didnt progress at all these 16 years, not making sense or accepting that you have left.

It all started with a little story I told Teacher yesterday.

I shared that I was missed out in a few meetings on content for events, and the final presentation came below my expectation. Also, I used to plan content for some events, but now I m not involved because I was left out of it.

I felt like I was not respected, not recognised, I was sore and angry about not being consulted and for the final event to come out sub standard.

But it beyond this thing about respect and recognition,  I wanted to give and offer my help, but I was rejected.

It was as simple as this, like I came forward despite all and I was not given a chance to offer. Its like being turned away.

It hurt me a lot. Rejection.

Teacher was very sharp. He picked this out, that in life if you meet with circumstances again and again, it meant there was a deeper root that needs to be undone. Well in my last role, I also met with an authority who did not see my capabilities and rather believed in substandard people who were all about telling sweet nothings but had no real capabilities.

Teacher was so sharp, he laid me down, and asked for permission to put his hand on my stomach.

Coincidentally, in the days before, I had the thought of him using his magic hand, to help me clear away old energies, I felt trapped in all the body symptoms I was experiencing, it felt so tough so I thought of using his hand.

And he did.

He didnt do anything, his hand was just above my tummy and we spoke.

He said, “Before we start this process, I would like to say that, a lot of times, there are problems which surface once and again, and somehow you get the idea that, these problems cannot be solved with your capabilities, intelligence, so we ask upon higher powers whom you feel an affinity to, to be present to support you. To show you the path so you can breakthrough.”

I did, “Dear Lord Buddha, Goddess of Mercy, Guru Rinpoche, my guardian angels, may I invite you to support me, to show my the path, the light, may I be healed.”

Teacher: “Alot of times, we neglect this energy that is Mother Earth, Mother Earth is all encompassing and nurturing, You lost your mother, but there’s Mother Earth, use a bit of imagination, see yourself running on the greens. Feel Mother Earth’s love.”

Strangely last week when I was in the Botanic Gardens, I had this longing to lie on the green grass and I did even if I was dressed for dinner at a starred restaurant.

A few days ago, while I was walking after lunch, I specifically looked for a patch of green, my back was so uncomfortable, I felt like I just needed support, I just needed to lie down.

I told Teacher about this, and he went, “See your longing to be connected?”

“I want to bring you to the greens, and rest in nature. What do you see?”

“I saw myself in my old house, I was ironing the clothes, and Mom was back, she went to mop the floor again even if I had done it for her. I was so angry ironing clothes, I told her off—– next time you do it yourself. Mom was very sad, she cried hearing me say this, she came over and put her hands on my shoulders, and I brushed it off. She said, ‘Girl, dont be like that to me’. I told her off.”

Rejection.

She rejected my help and I rejected her plea.

Now as I write I know—this I had been clinging on to.

Teacher said, “did u regret? did you feel sorry?”

I said “Probably? I was so sore and angry and frustrated, when I have already done it for you, why do you have to redo? Dont you trust me?”

Mom had high expectations and she redid things I did.

Teacher was super sharp. He pointed this out, “If you had the chance to do this again, what would you say to her? What is it you want to say to her?”

“You are so busy and tired already, the floor is not important, your well being is more important. ”

Teacher: “Do you see how much you cared for your Mother? But look at this again, this time in the perspective as a Mother, if your daughter is doing housework for you, would you do it again?”

I was like, SHIT.

“I would.”

Teacher, “And it was because you saw things your daughter couldnt. Yes you would, because you have your mother’s exacting standards. So your mother also saw things you didnt do, that was why she did it again. Can you understand this? So if you cannot accept your daughter’s work, can you accept what your mother did? The fact that she mopped the floor again?

Do you see how much of your Mother you carry in you? High standards, if not higher. Very high in fact.

 

And if your daughter did work for you, what would you say to her?”

“Thank you Qinzhi for loving me and helping me.”

And i immediately felt regret: How many awful things have I done to my daughter? When I shouted at her for not doing work? For not knowing math.

And Teacher picked that up!

It was impossible to fool him.

He asked, “Did you feel trapped in the middle, you with your mother, and you as a mother, facing your daughter?”

“Yes yes yes,” I said, “I think my daughter sees the world of me, much more, even more than how I see my daughter. She loves me more than I love my mother, very much more. But how many times have I hurt her? I dont know the extent of impact of my actions and speech on her. Like how my mother was to me. So how do i undo this? Is it to say the things I have to say? ”

Teacher, “Nope, we still have to go back to that situation. What is it you really wanted to say to your mother? I want to hear it, you have to say it out.”

And he couldnt wait longer, “You also wanted to say, I care for you, I hope you have time to rest, that is why I did housework for you. That was how much your Mother mattered to you. You wanted to help her and she rejected. But you see, it doesnt mean that you dont matter to her. It doesnt mean that she does not acknowledge your effort.

So coming back to the situations you encountered in life, once and again, meeting with bosses who do not seem to see your capabilities—-YOU DONT NEED THEIR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, THEY ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER.

Your practice and homework now and forward is—have the awareness to see this point. When your boss comes to you, be sure to understand this in you—that she is not your mother, you do not need their recognition. ”

Strangely, a few days ago, this popped out in a variety show I watched. It was a singing competition, and the contestant sobbed on stage recounting how they have been praised and discouraged by comments online. To this one of the judges said, “DO you know them? If not, why do you allow them to matter to you? ”

Another said, “Why do you not choose to look at the 100 praises but allow the 1 negative comment to affect you?”

Clamouring for recognition praises likes, these are the things I fall into to.

Teacher, “You mistook these for your Mother, because you once was rejected and was not recognised or acknowledged for your effort.”

But these situations come back to remind you to show you about a distant past I was fixated on.

Knowing this is important for me to breakthrough. Understanding that I m complete and not in need of recognition or acknowledgement. And Teacher brought me back to my intentions to show me why I was on this path.

“Do you remember, when you considered this job change, what was your motivation?”

“It was to share a light. To touch and to warm people’s hearts. I wanted to do that”

“Yes Yes, i remember you saying that! You have a gift for doing that. You are already able to see beyond words and speech to reach to that light below. You know, each of us is a light, but alot of times, this light is not being exposed, because of many reasons, like the norms of society and others.”

Earlier, I told Teacher about interviewing Daniel Boulud the day before.

I was at MBS and I had their crew to support. Everything was set up so perfectly, it was a dream come through for me.

I had interviewed the same chef ten years ago when MBS opened. Ten years later, we are back like how a circle completes it path but this time, even if we are in the same interviewer-interviewee position, so much has changed.

The setup is like magic to me, I commanded the team. There was a cue board, which someone held on to clap and it beared my name and the crew supporting it.

Seeing it clap is like magic, it reminds me to be in position. To be present to listen to ask the right questions.

It was also a motivation for me, where else can I go now that I m here, this setup inspired me, HERE.

NOW.

Continue to go deeper within –yourself and others. The only way I can fetch out good quotes is others, is to go deeper myself. To experience myself.

I shared with Teacher how I made Daniel Boulud cry.

He was giving me all the best answers and I was almost giving up, I need something more personal.

But i persevered and wanted to try go deeper.

I got my chance when he talked about writing a book for young talents.

Until he talked about dreams and sacrifice. I asked him, what was the greatest sacrifice?

“Family”

And he teared up.

“Every night, we busied ourselves working for the pleasure of others, no one would be able to understand how much a chef has to do to get to where he is.”

I could feel for what he said.

Many at times, it was as if, he was talking about my life.

I told Teacher about this. I told teacher also about Crenn who told me about her being adopted. But I said, even as she shared about accepting, I felt that she has not yet fully done so.

“You see, you can already see beyond speech, to bring people to their light below.”

I told Teacher about feeling like him when I do these interviews with chefs. And I can see how Teacher as a bystander and outsider sees so much more clearly. I said that everything is actually quite apparent if you are on the outside.

To which he agrees, “Yes because most of the time, we are all embroiled in our own story. ”

I thank him dearly, for being with me to support, to offer his time and presence, and to listen.

“It is easy for an outsider, but greater is the ability to stand above your story to see from a birds eye view. I m only a facilitator or a boatman who is helping people bridge the river and to go from one end to the other. You did it because of the inner wisdom and the desire to mend or heal yourself. So Pat yourself on your shoulder.

The setup is like a gift, from the universe, your effort and work is being recognised and this is like a gift to tell you how far you have come.”

I told Teacher about the Ishinomaki trip about this couple who went to this badly hit village in NE japan and came back changed.

The husband quit his job and left on a trip with his wife was was suffering from depression. He gathered that no matter how much he earnt it was meaningless if his wife isnt well.

The wife was healed on the journey because she saw for herself how little she compared to the people who lost precious ones to the forces of Nature.

When they came back from their trip, the husband decided to do something he really wants, a little restaurant he always wanted and named it Ishinomaki.

They continue to visit the place and support the people there, by way of important produce from that region. I had a chance to interview this couple from my previous position and now the wife is giving me a chance to work on a video. And wanting me to go because she felt I would be the best to express this.

I told Teacher I was hesitant to go, because I dont think I want to confront myself. I told him in the process of interviewing chefs, I see my story in theirs and their story in mine.

And Teacher says, “You have all along been telling me about other people. But what about your own story? I want to hear your story.”

I was very touched.

I was thinking in me, “would anyone want to hear my story? does my story matter?”

But Teacher says, “I want to hear your story, you should be in the frame.”

I was very touched, because he acknowledged me, my time my experiences and all of the emotions the ups and downs, the mistakes and the right.

Everyone matters.

I saw a FB post on how tibetans did their sand art, “Each grain of sand is important in building a thing of great beauty.”

Teacher heard me in the heart and saw me.

I told Teacher that more and more, I am beginning to see myself. By first beginning to acknowledge my credit as an Interviewer at the end of my videos, and then wanting the crew to film me in the process of interview.

I think Ishinomaki is the right one.

He adds, “I think the timing is right. You are ready.”

 

 

 

 

0

Healing XXXXix

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Mom left us in 2002.

But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.

In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.

And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.

For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.

The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.

For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.

For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.

She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.

And in my life, these themes were very strong.

These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.

So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?

Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.

When I went into the room, I found it very bright.

Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.

The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.

Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.

I needed to relax.

It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.

I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.

I was not grounded.

Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”

His reply was to the point.

“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”

Oh well, spot on.

I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.

I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.

When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.

This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.

To which teacher smiled.

“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”

Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.

i guess it is because he is so aware.

And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.

Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?

And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.

i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.

The word “Birth” called out to me.

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I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.

I totally didn’t expect this.

So teacher mentioned 2 things:

  1. The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
  2. I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.

Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.

I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.

I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.

But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.

Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.

I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.

Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.

To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”

“i said a mixture of many emotions,  anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”

She had no choice.

Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”

“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . ”

I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.

Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”

I pulled the chair close and opposite me .

Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”

I went, or rather my father went, “素云,我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了,但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来,我太愚昧愚蠢。”

I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.

Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”

And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择,我错了,我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗?我请你原谅我,我对不起你。对不起这个家。”

Teacher said, “这些年来,你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦,你也不好受,我希望你能够抬起头来。”

And i did.

Teacher said, “yes. yes”

In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.

Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.

He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.

“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”

This got me v emotional.

I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.

but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,

“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你,生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”

Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.

“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”

And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.

“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. ”

And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.

Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.

Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?

“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. ”
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.

Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.

Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.

Its painful and we should all resolve this.

I agree.

Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.

i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”

Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.

“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”

i know what teacher is saying.

“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”

When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.

Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.

With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.

The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.

To really let it be free.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Thank you for the teachings!

0

Healing XXXX viii

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去找老师,跟老师说我的母亲节视频的故事。

学到许多。

我说,同业前辈的离开,前同事得病,让我很震撼,震撼到我摇晃。

老师说,平常人很firm的时候都很grounded,但身体的左右是过去未来,有时想过去有时想未来,加上前后,于是便不稳了。

老师说,我们在某一个时间点里面立下的决定和判断,形成了我们对这件事的理解或看法。

老师问:“妈妈去世的时候,假如你用管其他,不会对她说什么?”

我说那些谢谢、祝福的话都有,但也有许多的问好。为什么是我?我们怎么办?

老师说,这就是我当时被惊吓过后,跳回孩子的我。

所以现在看到周遭朋友的遭遇,都会跳会那时候的自己。

回到当时候的状态

我说,当时不知所。老师问我,当时候感觉到support 吗?

我说是当时的男朋友,还有大舅舅的扶持,大舅舅这一块,已经在弟弟结婚的时候处理。

当然也有愤怒、委屈,更多的是接触到人生的本质,千变万化,说变就变,不在你控制以内。也感谢妈妈,祝福妈妈。

老师说,我看到周围这些经验就会想到自己。回到当时的自己的状态。这一块是需要被康复的,不然在一些缺乏母性的状态下,很容易触动我。

老师建议:多点和mother earth衔接。因为这才是我们的energetic mother

我说,当时觉得无助无所依。

想想你会跟这个过世的前辈的孩子怎么说?

我说:“就是让他知道背后还有个人支撑。”

老师问:“你会如何对他形容妈妈的爱?”

“就是妈妈的爱永远在,妈妈的爱那个质量不会因为时间空间而改变或变质。”

还有,有时候不知怎么做的时候,会想想妈妈会怎么做,这也是妈妈留下的方式。

老师警惕,这也是流传的方式,要是不够觉察能力,很容易延续了祖辈的习惯。

老师要我想想,妈妈的爱是什么感觉。

我说最难忘,就是妈妈在周末看我还在睡,凑过来躺在我身边,轻轻摸我的手,因为很滑。妈妈会说——很滑。

还有帮妈妈做家务,但她回来重新做一遍,看我不给反应很冷淡,哭着哀求——girl,不要对mommy这样。

还有我喜欢的男孩说不喜欢我,妈妈看到我哭,在饭桌上陪我哭。可能这几次就是对妈妈和妈妈最亲密的“过招”了。

我跟老师说了我问大厨的问题,比如:“和妈妈最亲密的举动是什么?”

他说是挽手,搭肩。我现在才知道为什么这么问,因为我也记得和妈妈的亲密接触。

我问大厨,这么成功妈妈赞过你吗?

他说:没有。他得奖妈妈肯定知道,但不会说什么,但他相信妈妈心里在笑。

我说我听到大厨的渴望。希望妈妈赞他。

我说,我跟大厨说,妈妈很为你感动骄傲。

我说,在很多年前,也在一个healing的场合,听到妈妈对我的赞美。

妈妈说:“girl, I have always been so proud of u.”

老师说:“我也很为你感到骄傲。”

chef说,以前妈妈总是舍不得给自己买东西,把最好的都给孩子。现在他有能力,妈妈想吃什么他就买最好的给她。陪伴妈妈,饮茶、逛街市、煮饭。陪伴妈妈。

他说:“我就是买最好的螃蟹给妈妈”

我听了忍不住哽咽。

我对老师说:“这就是日常的提炼,很平凡的字句,但有最惊动天地的感情。”

一般人都这样,自己有能力的时候,想把最好的给家人。

还有……我没有这个机会了。

我问厨师,最想跟妈妈说什么?对着镜头说。

他居然说—-mommy i love you。

我说我很开心,因为这个一个大男人,一辈子没有说过这样的话,现在在镜头前表达。

老师说——那你呢?你最想跟妈妈说什么?

我说我没厨师那么勇敢。做这件事需要很多勇气。

老师说,妈妈虽然身体不在了,但energetically都在。所以要跟妈妈说的,一点也不晚。她听得到。

老师说,不知道你会不会忽略了,你自己也是妈妈。

厨师的赞美,也是给自己的赞美。

我说,不知道这事要怎么前进时,我想到德士师傅在台北的路上奔驰的时候,说的。

“你也是相当重要的人。”

妈妈就是一个家庭的引擎、心脏。

我问了先生。他给我很多灵感—-就是,妈妈平常怎么样,就怎么样。不少不多。

就在日常。

我要我的组员在香港继续问厨师的妈妈,她对孩子的期望。

果不其然。妈妈说,只是想孩子健康。

我跟老师说,厨师的话和他的家,和我自己的生活经验有很多交叉之处

我说,厨师的故事,听起来跟我的有几分相似,最可爱是,他的爸爸排第五,亲戚都称妈妈——五嫂。

我的爸爸妈妈也是排第五。

我跟老师说,过去的力量很博大,可以淹没我让我没法呼吸。

老师说,在我们生命中的每个人都是因为某个原因来到我们的生命里。

灵魂和灵魂之间有个合约,

你母亲的到来和离开也是为了成就你灵魂的提升。所以要从中学习,让她的离去有价值。比如你怎么延续母亲。你怎么形容母亲?

我说我是什么样子,妈妈就是什么样子。

我比母亲还要强硬,妈妈是逆来顺受,什么都忍下来。

妈妈的爱很伟大,可以因为爱父亲,然后就什么都承担和承受。妈妈离开之后,真正觉得不可以再儿戏,要醒过来。妈妈的离去真正的让我看到,人生、生活的样子。品味、体验到生命,知道什么是生死。

或者说,不知道。

我提到做这件事的一个转捩点————就是在感受到记者前辈的离开,前同事患病的那几天,最难熬,不知道要怎么处理胸口的郁闷的痛楚。然后看到Khadro-la的唱诵,她说:“看到别人受苦的时候,什么也没法做。只能哭着,难过着。”

她之后再说一句:“compassion can heal delusion.”

那时候不知为何,想到可以转化,把自己内心的苦痛做一个转化的动作,看看是不是可以安抚失去孩子的妈妈,给他人带来一点的温暖。

我说,我很感谢自己在这个岗位上,可以做到这件事。

老师说:“用自己的苦、痛,然后可以透过这个方式去表达,可以给社会带来一股清流。现在的人,面对生活,都封闭起来。但是你不一样,你有痛用痛,要不是失去妈妈,你不会看到痛,但是看到痛的同时,也让你看到爱。这个energy最后还是会绕到你这边回来的。”

我说我看到奶妈孙女的小婴儿,非常开心,听到婴儿哭了,很感动很感动。很美好,把生命最美好的都表达出来了。

美好的,是new beginning。

说到这里我突然明白了,这样的运用生命,就是一个新的开始。每个人处理的方式不一样,我之前一路在寻找,现在找到的,找到了的,是我的方式。

很感谢,很感恩,有这个机会。

亲爱的妈妈,感谢你,生我,养我,惜我。

I love you mommy 😊

0

要休息

我的灵魂老了。累了。

这次是被什么点燃了这个累?

是不是太相熟的业内前辈去世了。有点突然,不,非常突然。虽然孩子大了,但让我想起妈妈去世了,这位前辈去世,让我想起突然没有妈妈的感觉。

让我回到了没有妈妈的感觉的时候。

所以,已经很久没有感受到这种疲惫的感觉。呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。

没有妈妈的感觉。

然后又听说,朋友的太太得病了。

妈妈生病了。

妈妈生病给我的震撼。

还有阿嬷病了、老了。

我也是妈妈。妈妈病了,孩子就辛苦了,孩子就可怜了。很震撼,很震撼。

很心痛。虽然都不是我非常亲密的朋友,但是很能理解很能体会,this is empathy and compassion too。

很无助。

这些日子,我就是在无力感中度过。

所以,很久没有感受到这种到了疲惫的感觉————呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。就是要shut down的状态。

但是就在这个时候,听到了Lama Zoma Rinpoche在Bendigo,我曾经到过的地方——的FB LIVE的teaching。他提到了Khadro-la,她就是Tara,我想到和她的connection,很感谢有这个机会,见到她。

More on Khadro-la

http://theyoginiproject.org/interview-with-a-dakini

http://theyoginiproject.org/born-dakini-energy

https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/21324-khadro-la-the-state-oracle-of-tibet-on-meditation-dealing-with-aggression-and-bodhicitta

one of the beautiful things abt khadro la is her warmth, so warm it heals people.

i want to b like her, kind hearted and warm.

i think i can!

要怎么样让我们的孩子可以不会不不堪一击,可以在没有妈妈的情况下也能好好的?要怎么突破所有众生没有妈妈的痛苦?

May all sentient beings be free from this pain of losing their mothers. May all sentient beings who are experiencing this pain, receive healing and blessings.

估计就要有新的突破了。要冲破过往的自己,感觉需要找一条新的出路,新的方式,新的角度。

要如何?

要先休息。

但是看Khadro-La的视频,看到一句话:compassion to heal delusion

她说,看到别人的苦的时候,她什么也做不了,就是哭。

突然像是被点醒那样——学习怎么转化?用这股力量,这股痛苦的力量去转化成美好,去治疗别人。我的答案,就在母亲节的视频。

献给妈妈。我希望拍一支这样的视频。把我所有的痛苦的力量,还有所有失去妈妈的痛苦,转化成为一支漂亮温暖的力量。

可以安抚可以疗愈可以祝福。

When sunlight dispels eternal darkness, we see objects clearly.

原来,我就是转化的力量。

把美丽的、人生最需要的,用最平凡的语言,借用厨师的手艺,讲述出来。

may i be healed in the process, 突然能明白为什么要经历我所经历的

may my guardian angels and protectors guide me and support me on this path, to fulfil these intentions, with much ease, creativity, beauty and a lot of warmth and wholesomeness.