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sayang mummy

亲爱的沁芝

过去的周末我们把你带回家,因为2周前你才回来,所以这次你没有那么的害怕。搭德士回来时,mummy还是有些的紧张,不过抱着沁芝,sayang 沁芝,用双手摸摸沁芝的手、脚,我知道那会是沁芝喜欢的,因为小时候的mummy也喜欢大人这样子疼爱自己。

然后就要沁芝也用双手摸摸mummy的手,结果,摸啊摸,摸啊摸,沁芝睡着了。

抱着在车里熟睡的沁芝,有一种感动。

投入在沁芝的sayang当中,mummy发觉自己不害怕了。

所以是沁芝治疗了mummy。

2周没有回家的沁芝,还知道mummy的黑色包包塞在饭桌的椅子上,高兴地拿起照镜子。

晚上,因为忘记买diapers,daddy去shop n save,沁芝看到家里只有mummy,害怕了起来,但沁芝很乖,虽然好多次已经接近要哭了,但最后也只是像是小猫咪一样的微微抽泣,让mummy更心疼了。

给沁芝换上睡衣,和沁芝躺下,唱着twinkle twinkle little star,沁芝会忽地站起,指着窗外的星星,天啊,是谁教的?沁芝怎么知道那是星星?

后来唱old macdonald had a farm,唱到on his farm he had some cats,沁芝就把手折起来做猫猫的手势。

沁芝睡觉的时候喜欢靠近大人,喜欢有人在旁边sayang

好像需要安全感。

mummy说,沁芝sayang mummy,two hands,然后把手伸过去,沁芝的双手就在mummy的右手上来回摸摸

结果摸摸到mummy的心里了。

那种tenderness只有小孩子的手做到。

沁芝即使已经入睡,还是继续这么摸摸。

那个时候,mummy的喉咙里好像有吞不下的口水,mummy还是这么第一次被小孩子这么sayang。

小孩子的sayang跟大人给的关怀、疼惜、安慰,很不一样。

小孩子的sayang很单纯,是没有理由没有理智的,不需要你说出为什么、或怎么了,不是因为她/他了解你的委屈和痛苦,而是无条件的慷慨的。

就是你需要就给你的,不问你为什么要?不问你她能有怎样的回报?不为你解释什么,或帮你理清什么,就是那么的直接。

直接的

给。

mummy需要sayang,沁芝就sayang。单就这点,已经触动人心。

it makes me think about us adults. who do we think we r to teach kids about love/care?when we sometimes miss this v important point about love and its essence being unconditional?

for love‘s not only about helping to solve other’s problems, or,whatever,

more,it is about the outright unconditional willingness to care.

看到沁芝的sayang,mummy觉得大人相对来说,虚伪了。我们因为比小孩多活了几年,有了多些经历,就仗着这些指导小孩,去这里,去那里。做这,做那。

但有时候,当你以为你在教小孩的时候,其实小孩在教你。

mummy想着沁芝,累了就睡、饿了就吃,喜欢/开心就笑,不喜欢、得不到的时候就发脾气。想小便就小便,就是这么直接。

但我们越长大,就越是懂得忍受,失去对平衡的把握时,忍耐、忍受便成了压抑。

到头来,把好好的自己弄得乱七八糟的。扭曲了自己。

那我们还凭什么教小孩?

亲爱的沁芝,你又给mummy上了宝贵的一课。

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mummy

25/6/2010

亲爱的沁芝

昨天阿姨家来了一些新家具,ah tin阿姨突然开门,说,“沁芝来了”

她把mummy小时候的一张照片放入相框,拿给了沁芝。

mummy吓到了。

也许因为太突然,心里掀起了一些些的浪潮。具体的一时间说不上来,却是觉得里面有海浪。

看着沁芝用双手拍打相框,怎么也不让人拿走。。。沁芝知道那是谁吗?

照片里的人好像是我,又好像是沁芝,我们的眼睛、鼻子、嘴巴好像都是一样的,但一样之余,又有不同,我们之间相隔了很多的时间。

我们好像是两个人,但又好像是一个。

mummy在那几分钟的时间里看到了生命的延续。

原来,生命的延续是这样的。

mummy小时候就在这个家庭里长大,现在一样的人在守护着沁芝。他们看的,好像是mummy,但却是沁芝。

不同的是,现在大家都有了年纪,在不知不觉当中,我们已经一起走过了很多的岁月。是这样子,mummy心里才有好多的感动和震撼。

看着相框里的自己,感觉那个自己好优秀。好精彩。好明亮。好明快。好可爱。好单纯。好灿烂。就是好好。好好。

年轻的生命好好。一次在越洋电话访问,音乐人黄舒骏听到我的声音,猜到我很年轻,当时他说,青春,那是失去以后才懂得的事。

mummy震撼的,或许也是青春的逝去吧。

在眼睛一开一合之间,光阴稍纵即逝。宛如从指缝间溜走。

mummy震撼的,更是那个好优秀好好的自己在哪里了?
看到大家对沁芝的疼惜,我好像看到了小时候自己如何地被疼惜。如何地被宝贝。

看着自己如何被宝贝长大,这样的优秀是大家的心血。mummy在成长的岁月里,忘记了自己是别人心血的堆砌,没有好好照顾优秀的自己,没有好好的疼惜、珍惜这些心血所造就的那个优秀的自己。可是现在我知道了,是生活中这些最重要的人,把和自己相关的事情,看得比他们自己的生命更重要,简单如mummy有没有吃饭、为mummy倒一杯水,简单如此,因为他们要把mummy照顾得好好的,像小时候照顾mummy那样在照顾着,这么几十年来不曾被时间泯灭的坚持。

是这些最重要的小事情,让mummy知道,mummy再大也还是这样子被他们宝贝的,不管在什么地方做什么事情,mummy对他们来说是多么多么的重要

比自己想象的重要

是这样的震撼,让mummy心里有海浪。

很奇怪,理清了心情,仿佛又看见那个优秀的自己,她其实没有离开,一直就在,心底。

所以沁芝,要好好的。好好的。

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哪里跌倒哪里爬起

亲爱的沁芝

有一首儿歌写得好,那是小时候公公买给mummy的卡带。

"喂喂不要怕,你是好娃娃。
自己跌倒自己爬
你看山上为你开满红花
你就是好娃娃
要自己跌倒自己爬。"

沁芝,哪里跌倒就在哪里爬起。
这是mummy最近看<星光传奇>听到的人生智慧。

比如感觉很痛,就从这痛中学习。
那天看节目,参赛者rose在台上唱歌,结果到一半哽咽,唱不下去。

David老师说,你要用那个痛去唱歌。
Use the pain n convert it to something constructive

For mummy,书写就是一个方式。书写的时候,好像听到了自己内心深处的声音。

感觉到了害怕、听着那个害怕,而写出来的情绪。
从而学会在害怕的情绪里跌倒,并学习从这一点爬起来。

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Creating Space In The Body

亲爱的沁芝

达赖喇嘛说,世界的和平是从内心的平静和安宁展开的。

他说世人心里有太多的猜疑、仇恨、愤慨,这些情绪越是去复习它,人就偏离安宁约远。与其如此,不如时时练习体验安宁这一回事。

有人问达赖喇嘛:

How can we teach our children not to be angry?

His Holiness: Children always look to their parents. Parents should be more calm. You can teach children that you face a lot of problems but you must react to those problems with a calm mind and reason. I have always had this view about the modern education system: we pay attention to brain development, but the development of warmheartedness we take for granted.

No Hard Edges

When our minds are cluttered with too many thoughts and information, our bodies respond by trying to take action.

Our minds and bodies are interconnected, and the condition of one affects the condition of the other. This is why meditation is such a powerful tool for healing the body, as powerful as physical therapies. When our minds are cluttered with thoughts, information, and plans, our bodies respond by trying to take action. When the body has a clear directive from the mind, it knows what to do, but a cluttered, unfocused mind creates a confused, tense body. Our muscles tighten up, our breath shortens, and we find ourselves feeling constricted without necessarily knowing why.

When we sit down to meditate, we let our bodies know that it is okay to be still and rest. This is a clear directive from the mind, and the body knows exactly how to respond. Thus, at the very beginning, we have created a sense of clarity for the body and the mind. As we move deeper into meditation, the state of our mind reveals itself, and we have the opportunity to consciously decide to settle it. A meditation teacher pointed out that if you put a cow in a small pen, she acts up and pushes against the boundaries, whereas if you provide her with a large, open space, she will peacefully graze in one spot. In the same way, our thoughts settle down peacefully if we provide them with enough space, and our bodies follow suit.

When we settle down to examine and experience our consciousness, we discover that there are no hard, definable edges. It is a vast, open space in which our thoughts can come and go without making waves, as long as we let them by neither attaching to them nor repressing them. As we see our thoughts come and go, we begin to breathe deeper and more easily, finding that our body is more open to the breath as it relaxes along with the mind. In this way, the space we recognize through meditation creates space in our bodies, allowing for a feeling of lightness and rightness with the world.

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Finding Deep Strength

亲爱的沁芝

我们都有感觉薄弱的时候,感觉需要力量的时候。

我们当然可以转身投向父母、兄长、朋友、爱人,但更多的、更重要的是,你必须在自己的内心深处找到这个力量的泉源。

就是心的中间。

Below the Surface

We have all have times in our lives when we think we don’t have the strength to carry on. You do, and you can.

We have all faced moments in our lives when the pressure mounts beyond what we feel we can handle, and we find ourselves thinking that we do not have the strength to carry on. Sometimes we have just gotten through a major obstacle or illness only to find another one waiting for us the moment we finally catch our breath. Sometimes we endure one loss after another, wondering when we will get a break from life’s travails. It does not seem fair or right that life should demand more of us when we feel we have given all we can, but sometimes this is the way life works.

When we look back on our lives, we see that we have survived many trials and surmounted many obstacles, often to our own amazement. In each of those instances, we had to break through our ideas about how much we can handle and go deeper into our hidden reserves. The thought that we do not have the strength to handle what is before us can be likened to the hard surface of a frozen lake. It appears to be an impenetrable fact, but when we break through it, we find that a deep well of energy and inspiration was trapped beneath that icy barrier the whole time. Sometimes we break through by cutting a hole into our resistance with our willpower, and sometimes we melt the ice with compassion for our predicament and ourselves. Either way, each time we break through, we reach a new understanding of the strength we store within ourselves.

When we find ourselves up against that frozen barrier of thinking we cannot handle our situation, we may find that the kindest choice is to love ourselves and our resistance too.

We can simply accept that we are overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched, and we can offer ourselves loving kindness and compassion. If we can extend to ourselves the unconditional warmth of a mother’s love, before we know it, the ice will begin to break.

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Make Change Work For You

亲爱的沁芝,

mummy看到不错的文章,也会和你分享。这些是人生的智慧。

是不容易学习的。

Useful Transformation

At the root of all growth, we find change. Allow it to work for you not against.

Transformation is a universal constant that affects our lives from the moment we are born until we leave earthly existence behind. At the root of all growth, we find change.

Occasionally, change and the circumstances leading up to it are a source of extraordinary joy, but more often than not they provoke feelings of discomfort, fear, or pain.Though many changes are unavoidable, we should not believe that we are subject to the whims of an unpredictable universe.

It is our response to those circumstances that will dictate the nature of our experiences. At the heart of every transformation, no matter how chaotic, there is substance. When we no longer resist change and instead regard it as an opportunity to grow, we find that we are far from helpless in the face of it.

Our role as masters of our own destinies is cemented when we choose to make change work in our favor. Yet before we can truly internalize this power, we must accept that we cannot hide from the changes taking place all around us. Existence as we know it will come to an end at one or more points in our lives, making way for some new and perhaps unexpected mode of being. This transformation will take place whether or not we want it to, and so it is up to us to decide whether we will open our eyes to the blessings hidden amidst disorder or close ourselves off from opportunities hiding behind obstacles.

To make change work for you, look constructively at your situation and ask yourself how you can benefit from the transformation that has taken place. As threatening as change can seem, it is often a sign that a new era of your life has begun. If you reevaluate your plans and goals in the days or weeks following a major change, you will discover that you can adapt your ambition to the circumstances before you and even capitalize on these changes. Optimism, enthusiasm, and flexibility will aid you greatly here, as there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on what might have been. Change can hurt in the short term but, if you are willing to embrace it proactively, its lasting impact will nearly always be physically, spiritually, and intellectually transformative.

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16months

19/6/2010

亲爱的沁芝

16个月大咯!

:)

小小的沁芝,身体好长,就是肉没有长很多,婆婆每天追着沁芝喂粥喂奶,不怕辛苦、不怕累,就是追着沁芝磨蹭耐心。

只要沁芝多吃一口。

多么的辛苦都值得。

大概是一个月前吧,mummy开始把自己小时候最爱的故事书带给沁芝,以前mummy很宝贝这本书的,因为真的真的,太喜欢灰姑娘的故事。

喜欢的是那种被赏识的感觉

于是沁芝喝奶奶的时候,mummy会念着灰姑娘的故事,几天下来,沁芝已经认得灰姑娘、认得灰姑娘的“婆婆”(godmother)

哈哈。

每次都指得出来,然后把小手打开放到婆婆嘴边,让婆婆kiss kiss,再放到mummy嘴边。

沁芝似乎也挺爱翻书本的,打开阿妹阿姨在韩国买的儿童书,会认得pig、tiger、duck、dog、cat、giraffe、penguin、bird、banana、apple、orange、milk、umbrella、watch、tshirt、crab、butterfly、⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

最近在教沁芝身体的部位,hair、eyes、nose、mouth、hand、legs、stomach,就是neck neck不大会。

ah kiat舅舅睡觉前会特地开门进来,和沁芝复习,问一遍,看着芝芝指一遍,满意地笑,然后再关门。

这个时候的沁芝,喜欢搭escalator,mummy说escalator going up,coming down,沁芝的小手会跟着上上下下

沁芝不到15个月的时候,对大人吃的很感兴趣,更喜欢喝汤,问她yummy骂?她会拍拍手。

有时直接用小手抓住mummy的汤匙拉到嘴边。

不过跟她说hot hot,她就不碰了。

亲爱的沁芝,你会记得吗?小时候的你,就是这样子踩在阿姨的脚上,坐跷跷板的?

mummy想,你应该会记得的

因为mummy看到阿姨这么疼你宠你的时候,也记起了,小时候,mummy也是这样子踩着阿姨的脚,就象你这样

不过象这样,你很快就不会喜欢了,因为你更喜欢走路了,

daddy说,你喜欢跟着走路而来的自由。

掌控。

沁芝啊,你飞的时候,不要忘记,曾经,

是这些温柔的手,一路的照顾、一路的扶持、一路的爱护。

亲爱的沁芝,这个时候还会搞怪。

大人说,笑是怎样时,沁芝会张嘴、眯眼

问你,哭是怎样?你就嘟嘴

这个时候的你喜欢喝水,更喜欢双手自己拿杯子、喜欢直接用嘴巴喝,不要汤匙了,尽管你一直呛着,你还是不怕

那是一种怎样的心态?

这样的勇往直前,沁芝要记得。畏缩的时候,更要记得。

沁芝最叫我们乐的是,沁芝太爱包包乐。尤其是大人的gucci、LV,看得包包,会signal要拿过来,然后伸手,让大人把包包直接穿进沁芝的手

沁芝会满意地笑、满意地把双手fold起来。

婆婆看了总是说,沁芝真的很lee lay

亲爱的沁芝,以后有钱,可以买包包的时候,要想着:如果把钱放在旅行上面,你能看到的,远比包包的美丽更多、更多。

阿妹阿姨买这个LV的时候,就说,以后要给沁芝。

最近带沁芝出去,沁芝都会babbler得很劲、很大声。

沁芝想说什么呢?

那天为庆祝父亲节,我们一起外出去吃,结果沁芝第一次尝到虾的滋味。现在的沁芝,都会是饭局上的重要成员,有好吃的,可不能少沁芝的份

沁芝吃ice cream:)

但我们都觉得沁芝比ice cream yummy

沁芝记得吗?阿姨说,躺躺,沁芝会这么躺躺