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5 yrs 3mths

有几个晚上,mommy心情不好,但就是被皓皓救了一番。躺在床上不说话的时候,皓皓一直叫我,mommy,mommy,mommy,但是我假装睡觉。皓皓对姐姐说:“mommy is really tired”,然后帮我盖上被子,自己准备睡下。

在黑暗中,我张开了眼睛,被他看到了,因为感动所以哭了,皓皓亲亲我,说:“Let’s Sleep。”

所以那么爱他。

皓皓爱吃,这天吃Tarte by Cheryl Koh,我们常去的糕点铺,有香蕉口味和百香果。

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周末,约了阿姨和davina姐姐一起,去吃pizza和冰淇淋。

小瓜喜欢住酒店,也把这样的element带进家里的睡房。每天晚上,喜欢设计一下床,然后要我闭上眼睛,牵我进房,给我惊喜。

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这一天,跟公公去带皓皓。原来我每天上班,就错过了这样的画面。

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小瓜看视频,学到的其实真的很多。但一不小心,太容易着迷,执迷。然后就容易和daddy闹脾气。

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翻找出皓皓小时候的样子,好可爱!

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最初皓皓还对宝宝有点不知所措,但慢慢的已经懂得疼惜爱护

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daddy mommy去巴厘岛这天,皓皓帮忙推行李箱。

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我对皓皓说,mommy还没去,已经开始想念皓皓了。

原本好好的,但上车后皓皓就变得安静。问皓皓怎么了?他不肯说,最后承认,是不想mommy去。

婆婆和阿姨来照顾皓皓。阿姨晚上打包回来,有莆田的卤面米粉还有鼎泰丰。阿姨说,晚上皓皓会拿两本书过来,让阿姨读给皓皓听。

 

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mommy觉得最了不起的是,皓皓早上等mommy洗澡时,也会自动拿书,在床上看,等mommy。

这天婆婆庆祝生日,大伙买蛋糕唱生日歌。

亲爱的宝贝,好爱你。

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COMO Ubud April 2018

躺在池里仰望

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看见的天空

蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然

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争争向上

阳光美好

鸟儿在空中追逐嬉戏

美好            很美好

叶落     跟妈妈的离去一样。不多不少。多出来的不舍是因为我们拥有一些共同记忆

都是自然规律

妈妈和叶落,和小鸟,和植物

躺在池里仰望

看见的天空

蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然

争争向上

阳光美好

鸟儿在空中追逐嬉戏

美好            很美好

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原来我错过那么多

是美好唤醒的

这么美 如果没有自然,没有生生落落,也就没有妈妈没有我没有现在

原来我这么无知,老拘泥过去,活在过去,差点儿就要死在过去里了

太傻了

太自大太自以为是

太愚蠢

怎么不把握眼前的美好?现在这一切?

有多了不起啊

这是何其的恩赐和赐给

好好接受这赐给

好好感受和体验这赐给

我相信这不是偶然

我可以分享或者说pass on这赐给

因为不是也不需与自然搏斗或抗衡

没有所谓控管

而是顺应自然,与自然协作,与自然为伍

下午瑜伽,看到眼前的树,高高大大,不是肥肥,却依然矗立、毅力。

不是很粗的树深,可以长得很高,可以继续拥抱风雨日晒。

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为什么?

因为树根深深根植在大地上

grounded

往内深

因为没有要控制或征服什么。

躺着录下time lapse,原本是想扑捉鸟儿飞舞,却看到云

云被风吹过

慢动作

让我想起老师的问题:妈妈去世了,你最想跟她说什么?

我才记得

我当时来不及舍不得

都一直在照顾别人的感受

原来还有一些话,没有跟妈妈说,想跟妈妈说:

亲爱的妈妈,好舍不得你。

你辛苦了。

its so painful

I m in pain

It is so hard to see you go let you go

We didn’t even have a proper conversation 

There are so many things we haven’t discussed we haven’t done

But I do not have the chance anymore 

I feel regretful

晚上,在飞机上看Life of Pi,男孩和老虎在海上漂流许久,最后靠岸,老虎离男孩儿去,男孩摊在沙滩上,被人抬走后,哭着。

“Richard Parker (老虎)left me so unceremoniously”

应该好好告别的。

那才是圆满。

对了。这是COMO Ubud让我最舒服最喜欢的地方

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My favorite spot in COMO Ubud, would be the yoga pavilion which overlooks the lush and verdant valley below. Here’s where we observe the practice of yoga in the morning and late afternoons. Brought over “The Pleasures of Eating Well” to read.

Played with an ant. Got the wind, the greens, birdsong , the rush of the waters below, the quiet and arrive at the here and the now.

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9 years 2 months

公公生日,我们去庆祝,也让沁芝画画卡片,皆大欢喜。

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这一天,带小瓜去吃糕点,都是他们喜欢的,Tarte by Cheryl Koh.

周末,约了davina姐姐出来,吃pizza还有冰淇淋

晚上,小瓜喜欢弄Hotel bed,每晚都有不同的设计,要我闭上眼睛,准备完毕牵我进房间,然后喜欢我很惊喜的样子。

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这个周末,皓皓先去pasir ris,所以有时间和沁芝外出。我们去买新的床!

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这一天,和阿姨带沁芝去午餐,然后小逛。小妞很喜欢试穿衣服,4-6岁的衣服她居然还穿得下!给沁芝买她喜欢吃的。

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然后去买蛋糕,给婆婆庆祝生日。

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沁芝很爱抱小宝宝,非常大姐的姿态很疼爱宝宝的样子。

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宝贝遗传到喜欢照顾别人,把别人放在前面之先的习惯。

要学习也爱自己多一点。

这个宝贝很懂事,心思细腻。问她,知不知道为什么daddy mommy要去旅行?

她说:“因为你们buay tahan我们。”

一针见血。

Love QinZhi !

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Healing XXXX viii

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去找老师,跟老师说我的母亲节视频的故事。

学到许多。

我说,同业前辈的离开,前同事得病,让我很震撼,震撼到我摇晃。

老师说,平常人很firm的时候都很grounded,但身体的左右是过去未来,有时想过去有时想未来,加上前后,于是便不稳了。

老师说,我们在某一个时间点里面立下的决定和判断,形成了我们对这件事的理解或看法。

老师问:“妈妈去世的时候,假如你用管其他,不会对她说什么?”

我说那些谢谢、祝福的话都有,但也有许多的问好。为什么是我?我们怎么办?

老师说,这就是我当时被惊吓过后,跳回孩子的我。

所以现在看到周遭朋友的遭遇,都会跳会那时候的自己。

回到当时候的状态

我说,当时不知所。老师问我,当时候感觉到support 吗?

我说是当时的男朋友,还有大舅舅的扶持,大舅舅这一块,已经在弟弟结婚的时候处理。

当然也有愤怒、委屈,更多的是接触到人生的本质,千变万化,说变就变,不在你控制以内。也感谢妈妈,祝福妈妈。

老师说,我看到周围这些经验就会想到自己。回到当时的自己的状态。这一块是需要被康复的,不然在一些缺乏母性的状态下,很容易触动我。

老师建议:多点和mother earth衔接。因为这才是我们的energetic mother

我说,当时觉得无助无所依。

想想你会跟这个过世的前辈的孩子怎么说?

我说:“就是让他知道背后还有个人支撑。”

老师问:“你会如何对他形容妈妈的爱?”

“就是妈妈的爱永远在,妈妈的爱那个质量不会因为时间空间而改变或变质。”

还有,有时候不知怎么做的时候,会想想妈妈会怎么做,这也是妈妈留下的方式。

老师警惕,这也是流传的方式,要是不够觉察能力,很容易延续了祖辈的习惯。

老师要我想想,妈妈的爱是什么感觉。

我说最难忘,就是妈妈在周末看我还在睡,凑过来躺在我身边,轻轻摸我的手,因为很滑。妈妈会说——很滑。

还有帮妈妈做家务,但她回来重新做一遍,看我不给反应很冷淡,哭着哀求——girl,不要对mommy这样。

还有我喜欢的男孩说不喜欢我,妈妈看到我哭,在饭桌上陪我哭。可能这几次就是对妈妈和妈妈最亲密的“过招”了。

我跟老师说了我问大厨的问题,比如:“和妈妈最亲密的举动是什么?”

他说是挽手,搭肩。我现在才知道为什么这么问,因为我也记得和妈妈的亲密接触。

我问大厨,这么成功妈妈赞过你吗?

他说:没有。他得奖妈妈肯定知道,但不会说什么,但他相信妈妈心里在笑。

我说我听到大厨的渴望。希望妈妈赞他。

我说,我跟大厨说,妈妈很为你感动骄傲。

我说,在很多年前,也在一个healing的场合,听到妈妈对我的赞美。

妈妈说:“girl, I have always been so proud of u.”

老师说:“我也很为你感到骄傲。”

chef说,以前妈妈总是舍不得给自己买东西,把最好的都给孩子。现在他有能力,妈妈想吃什么他就买最好的给她。陪伴妈妈,饮茶、逛街市、煮饭。陪伴妈妈。

他说:“我就是买最好的螃蟹给妈妈”

我听了忍不住哽咽。

我对老师说:“这就是日常的提炼,很平凡的字句,但有最惊动天地的感情。”

一般人都这样,自己有能力的时候,想把最好的给家人。

还有……我没有这个机会了。

我问厨师,最想跟妈妈说什么?对着镜头说。

他居然说—-mommy i love you。

我说我很开心,因为这个一个大男人,一辈子没有说过这样的话,现在在镜头前表达。

老师说——那你呢?你最想跟妈妈说什么?

我说我没厨师那么勇敢。做这件事需要很多勇气。

老师说,妈妈虽然身体不在了,但energetically都在。所以要跟妈妈说的,一点也不晚。她听得到。

老师说,不知道你会不会忽略了,你自己也是妈妈。

厨师的赞美,也是给自己的赞美。

我说,不知道这事要怎么前进时,我想到德士师傅在台北的路上奔驰的时候,说的。

“你也是相当重要的人。”

妈妈就是一个家庭的引擎、心脏。

我问了先生。他给我很多灵感—-就是,妈妈平常怎么样,就怎么样。不少不多。

就在日常。

我要我的组员在香港继续问厨师的妈妈,她对孩子的期望。

果不其然。妈妈说,只是想孩子健康。

我跟老师说,厨师的话和他的家,和我自己的生活经验有很多交叉之处

我说,厨师的故事,听起来跟我的有几分相似,最可爱是,他的爸爸排第五,亲戚都称妈妈——五嫂。

我的爸爸妈妈也是排第五。

我跟老师说,过去的力量很博大,可以淹没我让我没法呼吸。

老师说,在我们生命中的每个人都是因为某个原因来到我们的生命里。

灵魂和灵魂之间有个合约,

你母亲的到来和离开也是为了成就你灵魂的提升。所以要从中学习,让她的离去有价值。比如你怎么延续母亲。你怎么形容母亲?

我说我是什么样子,妈妈就是什么样子。

我比母亲还要强硬,妈妈是逆来顺受,什么都忍下来。

妈妈的爱很伟大,可以因为爱父亲,然后就什么都承担和承受。妈妈离开之后,真正觉得不可以再儿戏,要醒过来。妈妈的离去真正的让我看到,人生、生活的样子。品味、体验到生命,知道什么是生死。

或者说,不知道。

我提到做这件事的一个转捩点————就是在感受到记者前辈的离开,前同事患病的那几天,最难熬,不知道要怎么处理胸口的郁闷的痛楚。然后看到Khadro-la的唱诵,她说:“看到别人受苦的时候,什么也没法做。只能哭着,难过着。”

她之后再说一句:“compassion can heal delusion.”

那时候不知为何,想到可以转化,把自己内心的苦痛做一个转化的动作,看看是不是可以安抚失去孩子的妈妈,给他人带来一点的温暖。

我说,我很感谢自己在这个岗位上,可以做到这件事。

老师说:“用自己的苦、痛,然后可以透过这个方式去表达,可以给社会带来一股清流。现在的人,面对生活,都封闭起来。但是你不一样,你有痛用痛,要不是失去妈妈,你不会看到痛,但是看到痛的同时,也让你看到爱。这个energy最后还是会绕到你这边回来的。”

我说我看到奶妈孙女的小婴儿,非常开心,听到婴儿哭了,很感动很感动。很美好,把生命最美好的都表达出来了。

美好的,是new beginning。

说到这里我突然明白了,这样的运用生命,就是一个新的开始。每个人处理的方式不一样,我之前一路在寻找,现在找到的,找到了的,是我的方式。

很感谢,很感恩,有这个机会。

亲爱的妈妈,感谢你,生我,养我,惜我。

I love you mommy 😊

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要休息

我的灵魂老了。累了。

这次是被什么点燃了这个累?

是不是太相熟的业内前辈去世了。有点突然,不,非常突然。虽然孩子大了,但让我想起妈妈去世了,这位前辈去世,让我想起突然没有妈妈的感觉。

让我回到了没有妈妈的感觉的时候。

所以,已经很久没有感受到这种疲惫的感觉。呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。

没有妈妈的感觉。

然后又听说,朋友的太太得病了。

妈妈生病了。

妈妈生病给我的震撼。

还有阿嬷病了、老了。

我也是妈妈。妈妈病了,孩子就辛苦了,孩子就可怜了。很震撼,很震撼。

很心痛。虽然都不是我非常亲密的朋友,但是很能理解很能体会,this is empathy and compassion too。

很无助。

这些日子,我就是在无力感中度过。

所以,很久没有感受到这种到了疲惫的感觉————呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。就是要shut down的状态。

但是就在这个时候,听到了Lama Zoma Rinpoche在Bendigo,我曾经到过的地方——的FB LIVE的teaching。他提到了Khadro-la,她就是Tara,我想到和她的connection,很感谢有这个机会,见到她。

More on Khadro-la

http://theyoginiproject.org/interview-with-a-dakini

http://theyoginiproject.org/born-dakini-energy

https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/21324-khadro-la-the-state-oracle-of-tibet-on-meditation-dealing-with-aggression-and-bodhicitta

one of the beautiful things abt khadro la is her warmth, so warm it heals people.

i want to b like her, kind hearted and warm.

i think i can!

要怎么样让我们的孩子可以不会不不堪一击,可以在没有妈妈的情况下也能好好的?要怎么突破所有众生没有妈妈的痛苦?

May all sentient beings be free from this pain of losing their mothers. May all sentient beings who are experiencing this pain, receive healing and blessings.

估计就要有新的突破了。要冲破过往的自己,感觉需要找一条新的出路,新的方式,新的角度。

要如何?

要先休息。

但是看Khadro-La的视频,看到一句话:compassion to heal delusion

她说,看到别人的苦的时候,她什么也做不了,就是哭。

突然像是被点醒那样——学习怎么转化?用这股力量,这股痛苦的力量去转化成美好,去治疗别人。我的答案,就在母亲节的视频。

献给妈妈。我希望拍一支这样的视频。把我所有的痛苦的力量,还有所有失去妈妈的痛苦,转化成为一支漂亮温暖的力量。

可以安抚可以疗愈可以祝福。

When sunlight dispels eternal darkness, we see objects clearly.

原来,我就是转化的力量。

把美丽的、人生最需要的,用最平凡的语言,借用厨师的手艺,讲述出来。

may i be healed in the process, 突然能明白为什么要经历我所经历的

may my guardian angels and protectors guide me and support me on this path, to fulfil these intentions, with much ease, creativity, beauty and a lot of warmth and wholesomeness.

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Shiro Tsujimura

Shiro Tsujimura is the creator of Japan’s most beautiful tea bowls. I didnt know what I was in for, I didnt know we were going to his house, much less, having lunch prepared by the man himself.

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And this became one of the most powerful meals I have in my life.

We sat down and chatted. We were in his house in Nara, this he built from materials in the forest. He said, “the only thing i bought were the glass for the windows.”

There was a fireplace, he boiled water from. When it was time for lunch, he added a grill, and toasted the wagyu, then sliced off the top parts, dipped in a sauce and served our plates.

His wife was preparing food in the kitchen , we could hear the sounds of oils popping on the pan, but so gently.

She brought out food and more food, softly. Gently.

There was always a smile, on their faces, even in the midst of preparing food. We spoke, I have too many questions I need him to address, I didnt have time to listen to the translation on his answers, I fired.

I didnt understand what he said, but i seemed to know and I had to cry.

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We ate from the bowls derived from his creative processes. These bowls, when they came out of the kiln, would be placed on the ground in the hills he lived in.

These pieces would receive rain, wind, sun, dust, scattered on the hills.

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Letting an act of man ferment in the nature’s elements and allowing nature to nurture man’s work.

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He says, “I don’t really like the term of “art”…When other people look at it, it’s art to them, but… To me, it’s part of my life, and everything is the same. If you look at the writing on the wall, I think it is a buddhist thinking, it means literally “not knowing”. IMG_7123

“When the monk asked me what will happen after death, I replied that I don’t know, and I really don’t know. So what will you do when you die? I really don’t know. What I know is I only want to do things that I like during the time when I’m alive. So when you die, whether it’s the end or whether there’s heaven after that, there are religions with answers to that. But actually, it really matters down to what you can do during the time when you are alive. I really like this idea of ignorance is bliss.  ”

We spoke about beauty, and what this means to him.

“Beauty is a very difficult concept. Dirty things can also be beautiful, for example, when people look at this, they might think it looks dirty, but I think it is beautiful. I think different people have different concepts of beauty, because it depends on each individual. A bowl that can be looked at for hours for its beauty, that’s what I hope to make. Something fascinating is this space inside the bowl, something that exists in the bowl.”

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We spoke about perfection or rather, the imperfection of it.

“Perfection is a little different. Perfection is more of a concept by imperialism and China, which depends on a degree of likeness. But for Japan and Korea, the beauty of imperfection is what we aspire to achieve. This might be unique to the Japanese, but this concept of imperfection has always existed in Korean pottery, and the Japanese thought well of it, which is why we brought in the pottery. I’m not sure how the modern Koreans think now, but during that time, they had this concept of imperfection, and they used the bowls for tea drinking. For pottery making, Japanese people have always seek for the beauty of imperfection, and not perfection.

There are also perfect products, but to me, I don’t really like them.”

And what is important in life?

“The important thing, is to do something that you like. It is not listening to someone, but continuing to believe in what you want to do. Of course, I would like to make something that people would like to use. It is not so much of a message, but I would like people to enjoy using the bowl, with the same feelings that I have.”

He was into painting, but a temple stay changed his path completely.

“I was at the temple for the purpose of meditating. About 3 years. I was meditating, and they had this kind of bowl which they ate with, such as ramen. The monk commented that meditation is similar to the process of bowl-making. I then began to have interest in making the bowl, and it slowly developed into my interest in pottery. The process of bowl-making is similar to meditation, with your thoughts free.

Spiritually, they are similar. Whether mediation or making a bowl or two, it takes the same spirit and mind to do it.”

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The bowl is a representation of space and the mind, and I find the tea bowl very interesting. Till Now, I m still making them. It’s not really the art form, but a form of lifestyle. I want to continue making tea bowls.

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When you finished making a bowl, you start to think of making a better one, so you end up with making thousands of them. So it is actually wanting to make a bowl at a time, and then making another, and another…

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For him, the most enjoyable time…  is forming the shape at the potter’s wheel…

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He says, “The difficult part about Japanese pottery is, if you get better in your skills, your product will become boring.  So you do not try to perfect your skills, but try to create what you want. I think this is difficult, because it is not something that you can work hard for.

You cannot neglect your own feeling and just focus on making a perfect product. Following your feelings, your skills will also improve.”

The advice is awesome for anyone into craft and creation.

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He has about 7 little workshops on his little hill stead. Each is devoted to a different art form.

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His son followed his path, remarkably, without being “taught” by the man himself.

According to Kai Tsujimura, “My dad is not the type to teach a certain thing. Of course I started making pottery because of my dad’s great influence but all along, the pieces were used normally at home…So when we had our meals, we used these bowls and those plates as per normal…My father’s pottery pieces were in our actual lives.. If not for that, I don’t think i would have started making pottery. ”

And when I asked the elder Tsujimura, he said, “the most important thing i have taught my son? No I haven’t. If there is one thing, that is to just “make it”. Make as many as necessary. It is not necessary to think of other matters.  If there is something that he wants to make, just make it.”

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