Thank You 2017, and, Goodbye

Has it been one year already?

The 2016 goodbye post seemed so far, far away. And with a new year coming in less than 24 hours, I feel unprepared for it.

Maybe because I have not written about my 2017.

That day in my mind spa session, I asked Mr Ng how to close the year. I felt like I was in the slur or the flurry of it all. Maybe because there were too many events, emotions ran high and I haven’t had the time to process those bits.
And being the teacher he is, he suggested looking back to recognize and acknowledge the gains and the harvests the year 2017 has brought.
“Even if there were lows, unhappiness, challenges, I see you have many fruitful gains.”
What did I do?
It all seemed so far away now. But let me try ——— counting my blessings in the tiniest way. And I want to number them too.
  1. I tried and became a salesman. It was something I never thought of, dreamt of. But I became one. Was it tough? Maybe not, was it horrible? Not as bad as I thought.
  2. I tried my hand at negotiating business deals.
  3. I learned how to write proposals.
  4. I learnt to make money in another way I was not accustomed to. And that brought lots of lessons to me, its about opening up horizons and expanding boundaries. Just this alone brought me many, one of which was to learn about humility. Its also about doing business in a upfront honest way. Its knowing your own strengths and using it too to the benefit of others.
  5. Now that I m writing about it, I understand how I have been—-I used to only think of the art the emotions and that’s all too easy. Like team mates who must have thought why I have derided, why have I drifted, I think I can safely say no. It’s not that I have drifted or crossed over to the dark side and swopped figures for art, but it’s all too easy— in fact too empty to talk about art when dollars and cents are not in the picture. Nothing moves.
  6. I understand about balance more. I think with that in mind, I can do my art better.
  7. And now, I understand why the Universe sent me this lesson. It was to let me appreciate that at the basic level and for things to work, art surely isn’t it. At least, its not the only way. It was to let me appreciate how dollars and cents could move the world. And how I could put my art in there.
  8. I brought in people and tried to build a team. There were lots of unhappiness I would say but I dealt with it to the best of my ability. Still, there are regrets. But Mr Ng suggested:”if you compare yourself to other bosses, how do you think you fare?much better than many of them right?” YES.
  9. I tried to help a colleague, in fact more than one— see the light.
  10. I have never used my stature as a boss to boss people around, in fact, I shared my experiences with them as a senior would, and I think that is my way or my style as a leader. I have always sought out the middle path and to strike out my own style, I m still on my way. But I can say, good try TPY!
  11. I did not bow down to unfair treatment.
  12. I learnt to speak up—- for myself and my teammates when needed.
  13. I had the chance to fly to shanghai for work, meet with top class producers and discuss my ideas, and these ideas touched people. I still am creative.
  14. And all these helped me assert my authority. I think the lesson to learn is to acknowledge the authority in me. It’s not about pleasing anyone. But to do what is needed and what’s right in the workplace.
  15. I had a chance to visit Hokkaido, made new friends, go to the root of the food chain and see for myself how things are done. In short, find out truth.
  16. I saw how the salmon swam upstream!
  17. I had a chance to take Hui gor tin Davina to Bangkok!
  18. I had a chance to bring the kids to a resort holiday in Phuket .
  19. I had a chance to bring the kids for staycations!
  20. I slept with my kids!
  21. I read to my kids!
  22. I had a chance to bring my family to Japan , especially gor gor and dad.
  23. We saw Mt Fuji!!!
  24. I had the chance to see the Dalai Lama in person!!!
  25. I met Khadro lah !!!!!!!
  26. I met Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche again!!!
  27. I had the chance to visit Tso Pema!!!!!!! Guru Rinpoche’s sacred place! And had my footprint and handprint on his!!!!!!!!
  28. I had the chance to fly business class back from India!
  29. I had so so so many wonderful meetings with extraordinary people—-like the King of Knives! Like the chefs!
  30. I had opportunities to do videos!
  31. I saw Mr Robuchon again and Alain Ducasse.
  32. I get a chance to realign my teeth.
  33. I did a dental implant on my own.
  34. I visited ah ma in hospital and at home.
  35. I tried to help my cousin who had skin problems.
  36. I had the chance to better myself and understand my keloids my body better because of the essential oil journeys, so much facilitated by Juan, John and Peyjin.
  37. I found a lot of grounding ease with essential oils.
  38. I got my kids into EOs and used natural healing methods on them.
  39. I got closer to eating vegetarian.
  40. I had wonderful produce nice chocolates, good food.
  41. I persevered and cooked everyday for my kids on weekdays lunch and dinner.
  42. Above all, I could breathe, I could eat and drink, sleep and do things that matter to me.
  43. I m still me, I remained me.

If 2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose, 2017 was a step further in these lessons, as situations , people, things, threw me in all directions and tested my resolve and my footing in each of the above.

I didn’t think I faltered even if there were challenging times.

I am still me.

In the new 2018 that has just birthed, I would like to:

  1. spend more time with my family, my kids, my husband
  2. spend more time with myself
  3. be more healthy
  4. heal my keloids
  5. sleep earlier
  6. do less work
  7. do more holidays with my precious ones!
  8. do 5 min of practice a day
  9. learn to be still , to be quiet
  10. get more creative, intuitive,
  11. be more in touch with myself
  12. do videos that make a difference, write or say things that would inspire, hence express my light and that of others, and be the magic to people around me.
  13. work on a tv programme!
  14. keep that wonder, that purity in me.
  15. 我想学习过得自在一点,老师说,生活其实不需要那么辛苦的,只是,很多的约定俗成和旧有模式,让我们疲惫疲累。其实,生活是可以很轻松的。我想学!

May the universe and my guardian angels support me, guide me, bless me, be with me always.

May the new beginning bring forth lots of light and clarity. Let there be true vision, stability, strength. May you find the quiet, peacefulness and freedom you need and may you find beauty, wonder and magic in the moments in between.


Healing XXXXiii
















老师说:“你的心受伤了。take a few moments to look at your heart n listen to it. It wants you to be aware, it has been hurt. 把你的手放在心上。感知它。知道它。be aware of your heart n connect to your heart.”



然后我感觉我的手脚有一股温柔的力量。那种轻飘飘的感觉没有了。右脚还有一种被修复的感觉。就是repair的感觉,an energy has come in to fill the lapse.




当下,想到皓皓几天前告诉daddy,I m going to mend it. 我看着daddy,daddy追问:what is mend?

皓皓说:“fix. I m going to fix it.”

还有皓皓两天前的早上,一睡醒就说:“mommy is in an ambulance.”




皓皓回说:“how come got this kind of people.”







我说,最有趣的是,我现在要把厨师艺人化。come full circle。


我跟老师说起下属发脾气,情绪不和睦,我想了想,我总是在寻找better way out,最好些了电邮,先道歉。老师摇头说:”you r looking for the perfect way. There’s no perfect way. You cannot please everyone. Take a breath and let this idea go.”

you got to heal your feelings towards authority?

What do u think of?




老师说,那这个就是你的挑战。看看你生命中必经困难的事,这些都是你必须突破的,这就是你的life purpose。

所以就在这个点上面,你可以看到你怎么去transform,去突破你自己对authority的理解,成为你心目中那样子的一个authority。你可以做一个pioneer,一个role model。





这件事让我惊讶,只要intention aligned,就能飞越、打破、跨越。



我跟老师说,老板也是一个authority。老板两次大发雷霆,我都接收,因为我能够明白他心里想法。我有一点是在hold the process。


老板两次发脾气,都对我道歉,最感动的是,老板说:“l don’t want you to feel pain when these people walk away with your deals.”

老实说:“因为老板可以feel your pain。”














Healing XXXXi

Went back to Mr Ng for a mind spa session after so long, i used to have these therapeutic mind cleansing sessions each month, but because of the work of late, I skipped a few.

I remember crossing the bridge with happy steps.

I was so so happy just to attend a session.

Because its for me, my truest me. I made time for me, that made me truly—happy.


I spoke about all that has happened.

Trying out so many new things on a new platform.

Like doing a Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche Facebook Live, like realising a Friend of Michelin concept and getting Nicholas Tse to be the face.

Like receiving a message from his manager to say–if the opportunity arises, lets work together.

From being treated poorly by her, to receiving a message, it is such a compliment, it is the best reward.

It showed me that the values I grew up with, and my adhering to these values over the years, were correct. And I should stick to these, and pass them on. Even if the world has changed, even if people have strayed.

And to have Nicholas Tse in the kitchen with me and passing me a slice of french shallot and spanish cucumber.

I remember asking if I could have a gazpacho, but he said that the gazpacho would have to be marinated overnight.

But afterwards in the afternoon, he really got me some to try.

And after the whole event, he gave me hug to say, “Thank You, 我知道你辛苦了”

He shared the Friend of Michelin memento with me.

The whole process was fraught with difficulties and so so much. Like a miserable media attendance, like not getting the mandate, like having this idea deemed to have failed because of a lack of website hits, FB likes and etc.

Like not having the agreement ready and to run the risk of Nicholas being stopped by his agency to fly, when the event would be a few days away.

But i was grounded and i realised that i did what Mr Ng was doing. I was not emotional, I was aware and solidly grounded, and I held on to the process.

I hold and supported the process.

That was what was real. So real, that was my growth, my reality, my discovery,


i passed the test and is elevated now.

In the process of speaking to Mr Ng, I felt this silently gentle solid yet soft streaming energy or force at heart.

It was so quiet but so steady and sure, I had to listen to it.

It was grounding.

I felt it for the first time so clearly. It was like mother’s love, unending, ever so calm and peaceful.

And i realised how and why?

It was that i was at peace and one with the universe. not resisting, not intending, not managing or trying to alter anything.

Just one with the universe.

That was beautiful.

I repeated many times, that all that has happened is surreal, miraculous and unbelievable.


like a dream.

And Mr Ng added that everything that seemed so surreal was so because i m on the right path, and fulfilling or answering my life purpose.

And what was that?

“to be creative.”

To which I added,

To create these flashes of light, to touch to inspire and make a difference to lives.

i just want to do that, create these beautiful magical moments of light.

and why?

simply because i have experienced the beauty of it, these beautiful moments of light have changed me.

and i want others to feel it for themselves.

it would be wonderful to have created a difference, but just letting them feel it, that light would be brilliant enough.

I felt almost like a messenger of the divine.

they work through me, and that is how, people and things come into my life and continue to support my endeavour.

Mr Ng encouraged me to continue to work at that, listening and adhering to my life purpose, to bring light onto myself and others.

That would be truly what makes me, fulfils me. And to converse and work closely with the divine.







Life force, Life’s force


I havent been feeling too sure lately, because its a new path.

i m stepping up, there’ll b more responsibilities, something i have never done before.

and this morning, i popped into the kitchen and saw fresh green shoots popping out of the onion bag, thru the spaces.

it was like an answer from the divine, or a response to my query.

its like a force that cannot be withheld. or in chinese, 势不可挡。just go with the flow.

it was so so beautiful.

it touched me a lot, and i took a moment to sit with that feeling.

Life force, or life’s force.

A gentle, silent, slowly but sure and steady energy at work.

we all have it too, all the while.


i took it in my hands to feel the energy.

and i felt really shaken at heart.

it about being one with the life force, recognising its presence, being appreciative of it and going forward, to treasure this precious energy.

The only way would be to use it carefully, and with my life purpose.

I know i m here to pass on the light.

May i get the full support on this journey.


Retreat with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Experienced my very first meditative retreat with the world’s happiest man—Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.

And the experience was awesome.

Its about taking the time for yourself, to sit and be with yourself.

And in the process of sitting and observing, you just become a better person. Why ? Simply because you are in the moment, and that is the most important thing that we have taken for granted.

And in the process of sitting, there’s always a discovery, sometimes its a voice of gratitude, sometimes you discover and realise how you can be a better person.

Like understanding that quiet is the most important part of speech. Like realising that getting lost is one of the most important step to finding yourself.

Most of all, its the discipline to keep on coming back when you are lost in thoughts. In that moment that you realise you are lost, you have come back. And delighting in that great awareness brings a simple pure joy.

Rinpoche’s advice is always this: you don’t have to do anything, but don’t get lost.

its so simple its so hard.

But i met him 5 years ago, and i met him again.

this time, i had the chance to present him on the FB page of the michelin.guide.sg and michelin.guide.com.hk to speak about mindful eating. I think eating well has to do with more than gd produce and cooking.

Video here:

the soul and true flavour of the food is brought on by the chef’s presence in the process of cooking. and you fully experience this only when you are mindful in the eating process, and that completes the whole of the eating and turns the eating into a practice or an experience. that might stay with you for a long time.

i m truly appreciative of the opportunity and it reminded me about the importance of open mindedness.

i ate simply and learnt to eat mindfully.

Love this piece o advice, to be gentle and appreciative of oneself.


Taking refuge and my name means “Be at Ease”


Took notes during the 5D4N retreat and these are the teachings.

Age of anxiety?

How to have joy in difficult situations?

Let this b a starting point

There’s things in life that u can’t change e.g. Situations

E.g. Getting old

But there’s one thing we can always change n that is your mind

Your mind is in your hand

Mayb u cannot change your wrinkles

How your mind react to getting old is in your hands

Mind makes small prob big problem

The mind is the cause of suffering n happiness

Mantra- recite 3 times happy

Know your own mind

Care your own mind

Know nature essence n quality of your mind

Don’t look outside, The real peace is in your mind

Prob is not the panic

It’s how u react to panic

Aversion: panic of panic

attachment: craving to stop panic

Learning fr panic

Panic becomes teacher n friend

Learn awareness , compassion,wisdom

Can b with panic

When panic comes I m happy

When panic comes, meditation comes

No panic no meditation

Panic comes remind my meditation

Sensation of panic becomes pleasant

E.g. Pain is unpleasant

But they say pain is gd for u

After a while pain becomes pleasant

You can change

Panic c can b changed into joy

Your Mind is in your hand


The practice :

  1. awareness of body- bring awareness into your body. Mind normally up jumping betw past n future. Mind v speedy . How to bring mind into body. Need awareness. Essence of meditation is awareness . You have this awareness all the time.
  2. You all have awareness but u don’t know
  3. You have to recognize your own awareness. Have awareness or no awareness is not the qns. You have awareness 24/7 but u have to recognize it. You don’t know your own awareness
  4. What is meditation . It’s abt recognizing awareness and maintaining that awareness. To maintain that, u need some support. Use our body as support for awareness.
  5. Technique: awareness of body. You don’t have to block thought n emotion. Let them come n go. Don’t forget ur body . After few seconds you will forget, come back. If u know you cannot relax, that is meditation. To b aware. Watch. That’s all

If u see the river that means u r not fall in river ncarried away

If u carried away by river u cannot see it

If u r in tv u can’t see tv

When u watch river u don’t need to stop it. You can watch it flow, so nice.

Whatever exp emotion doesn’t matter, just watch! Don’t block. Impossible to block n no need to block .


Durian meditation

Not allowed to think of durian

But the more u not allowed to think, the more u think of it

Impossible to stop thought n emotion

Thoughtless is not essence of meditation

Might b experience of meditation

Peaceful joyful clarity are exp of meditation

Not the essence of meditation

We have the wonderful quality of awareness love n compassion capability power wisdom skills lot of gd things with u

You r more capable than what you believe

You r more smart than what u think oyou r more gd hearted than wat u feel

Just that u don’t know

We don’t c gd qualities within us

Don’t give up n exxagerate

-Turn your mind onwards n find peace within u

-key to find peace: meditation

-basic goodness: appreciate your life, grateful u have this breath u r here now in this wonderful building

Bring these 3 things in your life anytime anywhere

Short times many times

Fail more better

28/9 7pm Teaching


Let go of worries of life

Sometimes cannot let go, just let it b

Don’t block them

If it’s gone, don’t look for it


Why do I want to do this retreat

But don’t expect too much

I m gg to practice more abt , ready to fail

If u fail more, it’s better

It means u did try a lot

If u didn’t try to meditate u won’t fail

Try my best use my wisdom past experience.

Don’t b too tight on result of experience

If u don’t do anything wrong it’s already wonderful

Try ur best

Try to make meaning abt this retreat

Benefit urself n others

If u r in peace ur friends can feel peace

Bcos we r interconnected

Impt to make meaning

People who connect w u

All of us r like ripples we can influence

The positive things can benefit others

Meditation with obj (body/sound/sleep/sight etc) and without obj (open awareness)

Retreat 27/9 teaching

What is it?

3 layers Outer inner innermost/secret

Outer- related to environment

If we want to change ourselves , environment is v impt at beginning

Change environment adopt new habits

Inner-connect w our body n speech

For body : abstain fr killing life stealing sexual activity bad speech

Innermost -abt your mind. Come here to meditate, so u have to meditate, that’s the secret   , but can’t meditate for four days bcoz of monkey mind

Secret is try

Try- even if u don’t have gd exp of meditation now, try

Don’t stay w meditation exp

Stay with the wish

Meditation exp is like cloud

Realization is like space- nvr change

Our mind don’t attach to exp

If u do that , when u have wonderful exp, you feel well .

When u try there’s awareness

meditation techniques

Body posture

  • keep spine straight all way to head
  • Join hands overlap or both hands on knees
  • Relax body
  • Straight n relax
  • Let body on cushion let mind go into body
  • Don’t have to change or block anything
  • Just b free b yourself
  • Our mind is up jumping betw past n future so meditation can ground

Open awareness

Essence of Meditation is awareness

What is awareness- u know wat u r doing feeling / thinking

Knowingness is awareness

You have this 24/7 even when u sleep

You can’t escape awareness

But you do not recognize it

All meditation tech is to recognize n maintain awareness

To maintain that awareness we have different techniques n obj to recognize awareness

open awareness

  1. How to relax – you don’t know u know. E.g. When u tired u sigh . That time u r relaxing. When walking in park , after that rest on bench n let out a sigh , this is not meditation . This is how to relax.
  2. How to achieve open awareness- just relax body n mind. Even if y can’t relax, you allow n that’s relaxing
  3. Deep breathing- breathe in fr nose n let it out fr mouth w a sigh. Rest with the breath. Natural breath.
  4. that was meditation
  5. What we did : relax. That was open awareness. I didn’t tell u that was meditation. Why? Non meditation is the best meditation, completely natural.
  6. Essence of meditation is awareness. Not the peace thought clarity joy , non conceptual state of mind without thought –all these r experience of meditation that come n go, like cloud.
  7. Realization never change but develop bit by bit but u don’t know how much u r improving. But if look at day one, you can see little bit of improvement. It develops slowly
  8. Nature of meditation experience is go up n down . Don’t expect a peaceful experience. Don’t attach to meditation experience. You can appreciate n b grateful n feel gd abt that meditation experience. Accepting impermanence.
  9. What is the meditation? Where is my awareness? Actually u don’t have to do anything. Not doing is the best doing. If u r being with not doing anything, there’s sense of being n presence, u r not lost.
  10. You don’t have to meditate just don’t get lost . The moment u know u r lost it means u r back, like u wake up. Become alive. Just be. This is child mind. Your mind is fresh without pin points no grasping.
  11. V easy but too easy we don’t believe. and too close to us this precious awareness we cannot  see it. Try n try. As soon as u try, awareness is right there. Come back n lost. Come back again.

Mind always does the opp. If u stop thinking abt durian , all u think of is durian

A lot of pple want peace joy clarity but teacher says, watch ur breath

I look for peace but u ask me to watch boring breath

But by watching breath u can achieve liberalization

But if u go for liberation u won’t get liberation

So when we teach meditation , we say let go.


  1. Mind into body: awareness of body. Do body scan. Put mind on feet if can’t sleep.
  2. Open awareness


Practice: body awareness

Rest ur mind in body n relax n b aware

Comfy or not , just b aware n experience all body sensations, don’t need to like or dislike or analyze these sensations

If u cannot relax you accept that u cannot relax

Whole body, parts, scan

What is the voice that comes out in the midst of relaxing- is it worth listening to it?

Practice : open awareness or meditation without object

Relax after hard work while day

Relaxation w awareness

-no meditation is best meditation

-don’t get lost : don’t know what u r doing

ok to have thoughts n emotion as long as u don’t forget awareness

This may last a second or two n get lost, it’s ok, come back over again,

Realize u r lost its v good, it means u have awareness

Practice the above together

If u feel drowsy open ur eyes

Essence of meditation is awareness

Awareness is knowingness


Living at the present

Use body to recognize awareness

Open awareness

Short time many times

Makes meditation fresh

Interchange techniques to make meditation more experiential

The gentleness in meditation- not tight, b gentle to yourself in life. Don’t force.

Thoughts come n go it’s ok

Open eyes – cut the attachment to meditation experience

Rinpoche teachings

Wrong conceptions abt meditation :think of nothing- don’t look don’t think concentrate. If u block thought n emotion it becomes worse

Goal of joy of living meditation

– transform everything

-self liberation or self antidote

-poison into medication

-anyone can practise

Meditation experience is like clouds, stock market

That’s gd

Difft meditation experience help u learn something

  • UP: when exp go up u feel happy n inspired, appreciate e.g. joy clarity peace non conceptual exp
  • DOWN: agitation (more busy more vivid) dullness (mind is fuzzy foggy unclear feel sleepy)when exp go down , more beneficial for u bcoz u learn to let go. When u let go, helps u grow realization

When u first start meditation, it seems as if ur mind is busy. But actually the thoughts have been there, just that u previously is not aware to it

Another Meditation Technique

-Live our life joyfully transforming everything in support for joy

-enemy become your bodyguard he become your best bodyguard

  1. Whatever experience whatever we receive, it’s thru five doors i.e. Eye ear nose tongue body sensation. E.g. Durian u like it because of taste or smell. You like music because of sound. You like perfume because of smell. You like cool temp because of tactile. They could also b cause of suffering

We can transform all these we experience thru 5 senses

Meditate w eyes

From your eyes, what u see is 2 things, shape n colour

Can u see? Meditation is finished

When eyes see flower , your mind need to see the flower

Eyes can see flower one min, but your mind cannot see this flower for one min. Coz it’s thinking of other things e.g. Durian

So ur mind see durian but eyes see flower

Meditation with flower means eyes n mind see flower

No need strong focus no analyze

To develop awareness with awareness, flower is the reminder of your awareness

When u look at obj , there will b some uncomfortable feeling:

  • colour becomes v bright or dark
  • Eyes will hurt might have tears
  • Obj gives double vision
  • Obj feels like moving n u feel dizzy

These are not a prob, normal not to worry

When u use obj as support for meditation, there will b 3 styles because of 3 personalities:

  • body : if u r reminded of something n u think of that experience and u think of image then u belong to body family .
  • Speech :if u r reminded of experience n u think of words/commentary, then u belong to speech family
  • Mind : sensation or feeling comes first

Whole purpose is to develop awareness

What’s the difference between awareness n meditative awareness

  • that awareness is not recognized
  • Now u recognize awareness n try to maintain that
  • Awareness is important not the movie
  • Sense of non judgmental quality
  • Good or bad it can b support or meditation
  • Then there’s sense of being or self
  • When u recognize awareness there’s a sense of center
  • If u see the river u r out of river

Meditate with sound or sound meditation

How to listen

Ear hear sound mind knows sound

Listen to sound with awareness is sound meditation

Most vivid one use that as sound meditation

Open your ear n let whatever sound come to u, n u listen

Uncontrived let everything be

Nagging or crying- more emotional meditation than sound bcoz emotion is stronger at that point

Sleeping meditation

2 types

  1. With object

Obj is sleepiness. We need sleepiness of tiredness dull or unclear or drowsiness for sleeping meditation.


Watch the feeling of sleepiness w awareness . Just like watching flower. Maybe u feel more sleepy, continue to watch, accept the sleepiness.

When u fall into sleep, still aware, sleep catch the awareness n becomes sleeping meditation

2 signs sleep become meditation- when u wake up u waking up thru meditation. Mind in meditation

Sleep meditation- there is no dream

  1. Without object                                 Open awareness or scan body awareness

Yoga jumping exercise

  • arms in fist swim towards side n let air come out fr nose
  • Legs. Right leg strength jump up land on left

Love the feeling of working hard for spiritual development




Noble Silence

Beautiful sky after the rain – how many times do we get to fully take in this view? How precious this opportunity!

1030 am Teaching

Recognize awareness n meditative awareness

Normal awareness is facing outwards n has duality

Meditative awareness is facing inwards, there’s no duality analysis u simple know there’s a kind of centredness

It only lasts a few seconds

So keep practicing repeatedly

Meditation or mindfulness training is v powerful. In that, it trains u to watch n observe n b out of “it”.

It also trains u to allow and to let it be or let go. And it also trains you to come back.

Repeatedly do so

Mind n eyes tog repeatedly

Mind and ears tog repeatedly

Meditation is looking at it with the heart.

It shows u the activity of your heart – how wild or bored easily it is

Rinpoche 130pm


Do the meditation techniques that is your favorite until u r bored

Awareness has 3 levels

-normal : with u all the time that u didn’t recognize, the awareness before u start meditation

-meditative awareness: now we r practicing this, recognize n maintain with all sorts of techniques . Develop loving compassion kindness wisdom.

-non conceptual awareness: awareness beyond concept, beyond duality , most important one. To recognize this, we need to practice the 2nd awareness.

The real Buddha is within us, the real refuge, our true nature

Meditation help us realize our true nature

Meditation alternate w open awareness is better

You are asleep since u r born

If u combine meditation w sleeping, benefit of meditation higher. Sleep 5 hrs= meditate 5 hrs

Try 30 days mayb once can transform sleep into meditation

Face pain using pain as support for meditation

Change focus- listen to sound

You don’t need to overcome emotions

Awareness cannot change these

Awareness is like space, emotion n thoughts r like cloud

Space no need to block cloud

Cloud cannot block space too

You cannot burn space, shoot space, explode space

Space is always there n free


Awareness is just like space

Agitated mind is like bad weather, that’s all.

Sometimes we need bad weather we need rain

We need emotion n thought

You don’t need to overcome them

You can liberate them

What’s the meaning of liberation

You need to stay with these emotions

You need to recognize that the mind is always liberated n free that’s all

Emotion meditation

When u r not happy, do u know u r not happy?

That’s awareness

You can practice awareness when u r not happy

Continue practice practice practice

Practice gives u qns n practice more give u answer

When u die , practice sleeping meditation

Sleeping is v much like dying

ESP open awareness

So practice open awareness

Eating n Smell Meditation


When u get smell, mind and nose together

Nose smell , mind also

Essence of meditation is awareness

B aware of smell that’s all

Breathe in feel smell

Breathe out , rest in open awareness

Eating Meditation

Relax body n mind.

When u eat, keep it longer in your mouth.

Chew well.

Move around in mouth.

Tongue with mind

Mind taste food. Mind b with taste

Pain meditation

For this we need pain

Gd for developing meditation

When u have pain, mind goes there even tho u tell yourself to forget abt it, let it go

Pain can draw attention

If u meditate w pain, even short time, benefit is more than u work with other techniques

What is pain? U know it?

Aware of pain, watch it feel it

-pain disappears so mind go to open awareness , stay w that

-pain changes from one place to another, gd, follow the pain. , that means pain becomes obj of meditation

-pain is just there n u continue to watch the pain, that means pain becomes obj of meditation

-pain becomes stronger. 2 reasons: your personality, mayb you have pain n that pain develop w u for a long time, so when u watch it there’s a lot of fear aversion resistance

So, if pain gets stronger, Watch the resistance to pain, not pain

Change focus , open awareness

  • awareness tells u u r doing the right thing

Why meditate?

  • fully liberate i.e. Achieve total freedom
  • Then y m I not free now?someone controlling u? Our monkey mind.
  • Happiness n suffering is only in mental state . When u have prob, u might think this is the worst prob in the world n u r the most unlucky person in the world n this is the end of the world . But your friend might look at u n laugh, u will b ok. E.g. Lose job , nun think it’s the worst thing in the world. It’s all the monkey mind , our mind is restless always active n always want to do smthg , our mind is like a crazy monkey always looking for job. The job is the problem

Your life is ok. Monkey mind worries, I don’t have job now , jobless . I have to make some jobs. When monkey mind looks for job, u look in mirror n see ur belly.  M I little fat? I think my belly is a little big. I think I m ugly. U think of big belly. Even if u at work, mind says to u, big belly.

If Aversion n attachment strong: conversation about big belly becomes stronger b bigger

Aversion n attachment is part of monkey mind

Monkey mind tell u big belly no gd

Next morning, u feel like belly is bigger.

Neurons in brain make groups, n get chatty n talks about the belly gets bigger

You go out, u feel as if pple r looking at your big belly

U feel ugly lose confidence get shy, don’t want to go out. Keep staring in mirror

You will think, big belly is biggest prob in the world

Watch how meditation help this.

Goal of meditation is achieve freedom n b at peace .

Achieve pliability n freedom of mind

Ways: listen to sound, b aware

By doing these,

mind become calm n peaceful

pliable n workable – freedom

Because if u tell mind to b peace it won’t b

N u r making friends w monkey mind. Need common interest to make friends

Monkey mind n u have common ground , find that n both of u will b happy

Win win situation

Results of Meditation

Thought meditation

Body like cup mind like water

Spine straight

And we saw a double rainbow outside! How auspicious and blessed!


Attachment has 2 things:



These 2 make attachment

Anything can b support for meditation as long as u have awareness

Don’t stay with the meditation experience, stay with the wish

Monkey mind likes job u like freedom

How do we achieve both goals

Give job to monkey mind

Monkey mind will b happy

U giving job, u r boss

Normally monkey mind is boss, nature of mind is restless , active

So u give job, but not full time at beginning

The job is meditation

Ask monkey mind : listen to sound

But a few seconds later forget

Don’t punish give reminder

That’s like part time job

Monkey mind cannot do full time now, in future maybe yes but not now

Slowly mind become calm n peaceful

At the same time pliable workable

Don’t need to block monkey mind

Thought meditation

Thought: has image n voice

Emotion has (bodily) sensation

Actually both have both

Thought: always some voice in your head

Even if u r alone outside

Thought voice image

How to practice?

Be aware of thought, of what u r thinking

Watch your thought – like u watching flower (body type), listening to sound (speech), like b aware of pain (mind type)

Just watch

No need follow

If u r confused, watch the confusion

That’s also thought

Needs thought

If too many thoughts go back to body sensation

Big Secret- when u watch thoughts, there will b 2 experience – u can; u cannot. Both r best meditation exp

If u cannot c , ur mind back to open awareness . No thought but has awareness

the moment watch it, it’s gone. Another thought comes, watch it n it’s gone. Mind cannot grab anything

If u watch , it’s like watching tv

Inner tv

When u r bored watch the inner tv

Prob is Programs r quite old

But if u watch old boring programs again n again, mind become more calm peaceful pliable

U don’t need to block thought

U c river, means u r out of river

If u fall in it n carried by it, u can’t c it


Watch it

Eyes look up

Up body keep cool


Walk w spine straight

Jumping yoga

gd for heart, blood pressure, whole body

In btw: resting , gd for open awareness

If not happy , panic , sad, pressured, angry, do this

Treat it like a game

Emotion Meditation

Easy bcoz it’s All abt awareness

How to b aware Is tricky, have to note impt issues

4 things

  • watch: bring mind into body watch sensation in body. Sometimes some parts of body has more sensation, e.g. anger may give rise to burning at heart, panic is like heart Speed up n can’t breathe, all these r strong emotions. Can also watch happy , joyful. When u watch, negative emotions lose power, positive emotions gain power, longer n clear.
  • Try something different: sometimes when u watch n emotion is too strong n u r overwhelmed, try smthg different. Just finished fighting with someone n u practice anger meditation, mayb u can mayb u can’t bcoz anger is too strong. So try others such as watch flower, smell, open awareness, sound whatever . E.g. Make another emotion. When I had panic , I couldn’t watch it. I created anger. Then watch anger. Slowly u will have habit of watching emotion thru another emotion
  • Step back: if the above still doesn’t work, bcoz there’s another emotion supporting your emotion. Emotion behind emotion, panic of panic. So look behind, watch the emotion behind it.
  • Take a break: if u r exhausted fr trying, don’t practice meditation. Sleep or exercise.



Monkey mind- made up of ignorance, aversion n attachment

If u watch river u can follow it no prob

Rinpoche’s teachings 7pm

Get lost meditation

Completely forget meditation n awareness

Can’t get lost? Mind does opp

Don’t need to meditate

It’s like using flashlight under the sun

Just get lost ! U don’t need to meditate

Subtle concepts of meditation- let it go so u can c awareness more clearly

50 hrs of homework

Level 2

Loving kindness n compassion

Also part of basic goodness

We all have these good qualities

Awareness is part of basic goodness

U have this 24/7 but u don’t recognize

Once u recognize awareness becomes alive

There r many good qualities within u

-e.g. Awareness: pure free genuine . Even if u watching the worst thought, u r free. Like sky space always free no matter how bad pollution n typhoon is.

-e.g. Love n compassion, with u all the time. There’s love n compassion behind every thought n emotion.

As u practice meditation u will have discovery all the time, this discovery doesn’t have limit.

Evidence: everything we do is towards happiness

Every blink of eye is to look for happiness


Each breath too

Sometimes happiness too small u don’t realize

Longingness desire to b happy


We r deserved to b happy n free fr suffering

Can b compared to homesickness

Our real home is our basic goodness our true nature or Buddha nature 佛性

Has lasting genuine happiness

How to connect


Now u need to nurture this feeling n expand

5 steps to practice:

  1. W yourself: we have loving kindness to ourselves. We care abt ourselves. Sometimes we don’t know. We want to b happy but most times we don’t know the real causes of happiness. We look for it on the outside. U may kill, say a lie , smile. U don’t know the real cause of happiness. Wish to b happy but don’t know how. You yourself too, right? Ask urself: What do u really want? Fr this u can see loving kindness compassion. There r layers. Go deep down n u can connect to your inner wisdom. Even u on the surface, every moment every breath u r looking for happiness. What do u want? How much do u want happiness? We don’t know the real cause of happiness . We want happiness but the actions we do always opposite . Wish yourself well: may I have happiness n it’s causes
  2. W someone u like: find someone with no strong conflicting emotion e.g. Grandparents grandchildren pet . That person is same as u, wish to b happy don’t want to suffer, every breath every moment every action. Sometimes don’t know cause of happiness sometimes make mistakes bcoz listen to monkey mind. That person is also lovable. May he or she have happiness n it’s causes.
  3. Neutral person- expand to someone u don’t know. That person same as u. wish to b happy don’t want to suffer, every breath every moment every action. Sometimes don’t know cause of happiness sometimes make mistakes. That person is also lovable. May he or she have happiness n it’s causes.
  4. Someone u don’t like: if u practice short time, benefit is a lot. That person whom u don’t like is same as u, wish to b happy don’t want to suffer, every breath every moment every action. Sometimes don’t know cause of happiness sometimes make mistakes , maybe already make problems for u. That’s to u. But another person may look at this person as if he is a best friend. Like u too. We all make mistakes but at heart we want to do good. That person is also lovable. May he or she have happiness n it’s causes.
  5. All beings – immeasurable loving kindness compassion . We all want to b happy don’t want to suffer. All beings the same, friends family pple u like or don’t like. No matter what culture colour etc but we normally consider these small differences as big ones n we forget the important thing- we all are the same. We all don’t want to suffer, every breath every moment every eye blink. Person across the ocean same as u. Not just person, your pet too. All beings the same. Most of time, we don’t know causes of happiness but we make causes of sufferings. So may all beings have happiness n it’s causes n b free of suffering and it’s causes. Send your love n compassion to all beings. Beings r immeasurable. So ur compassion become immeasurable

Start from yourself or someone you like. After that then do all beings.

To reduce smthg, such as smoking, make a plan. Gradually reduce. To make new habit u need 20-30 days.  In one or two days, go to mountain n change things, your muscles. The power of awareness is v powerful. Can go to your body, muscles etc

Bring awareness into this. And when u smoke , what is the belief u have?aware of the triggers, sensation in your body when you want to or is smoking.

Realization u never know. Until u reach certain level. So if u practice sometimes u don’t c your improvement.

Day one to 30 . Look back fr day 30. Some change. What u describe is still experience.

Knowing is still experience.  Meditation experience changes.

If u swim rest of life can swim

Realization is like that

Love: look for someone nice smthg gd smthg beneficial

Once u get that u want to associate w that

Kind: u c sweetness, feeling of cuteness, tenderness

Compassion: u want to b free fr prob suffering without pain n obstacles

Loving kindness is looking for happiness

Compassion is wanting to b free fr suffering

5 things u appreciate :

  1. I appreciate that I have this life.
  2. I appreciate all the experiences I have up to this point in life
  3. I appreciate that I m here at this point in time with what I have at this point
  4. I appreciate my ability to write
  5. I appreciate having the opportunity to meet you , to receive teachings and to get to know awareness a little bit more
  6. I appreciate myself n I appreciate that you will answer my question

Everyday appreciate 3 things.

Country family world environment friends work

When u feel gratitude towards so many things, u will receive lots of good things everywhere anytime

QnA with Rinpoche

When u wake up feeling negative, right in heart n throat, bring mind to body. Feel body n sensation in body . Be aware of all the sensations. Try with arms n legs then slowly get to sensation of chest or heart or panicky feeling which is stronger.

Joy Teaching

  1. Immeasurable loving kindness
  2. Immeasurable compassion
  3. Immeasurable joy
  4. Immeasurable equanimity

Choose someone u like n u see gd things within that person.

Then someone u don’t know

Choose someone u don’t like

They all have wisdom awareness live kindness compassion. Mayb they don’t know. Everybody want to do gd.

Scientists are studying basic innate gdness with children

6 mths old n try to test for basic gdness

Let child see cartoon- w hatred n loving kindness

Child like cartoon w loving kindness w facial expressions n eye movements

You’ve born w loving kindness n compassion

But we don’t know

Even if u go deep in a anger, the deepest level is loving kindness compassion

Anger come fr loving kindness compassion but monkey mind take it as anger

If u recognize that anger comes fr loving kindness compassion you don’t have to block or suppress it. Anger will b liberated

Just recognize that anger come fr loving kindness compassion,

Self liberation

Poison transforms into medicine


It’s actually v easy so close to us it becomes difficult

U can appreciate gd things fr enemies fr all beings

Immeasurable joy

Rejoice n appreciate

You can discover gd things

New things come to u


The loving kindness compassion that is with you all the time


If u have immeasurable loving kindness compassion joy, it becomes immeasurable equanimity

How to practice?

Just watch

Level 1- form sound …..

25 hours

Thought n emotion n getting lost meditation

25 hours

Sometimes quality no gd get lost ten minutes still can count

How to apply meditation in everyday life?

2 things we need- formal meditation n informal meditation

  1. Formal- above homework , everyday ten to 20 minutes , start little. To build new habit it takes 20-30 days. You can’t change suddenly. Change bit by bit. E.g. Brushing teeth shower. Just finished like that because of habit. We all r lazy. We don’t have so much capabilities to make new effort but there’s a trick ! Make it daily habit and u can do a lot of things ! 50 hours
  2. Informal meditation- u can do anywhere anytime but again u need to build habit. Associate w something such as toilet, writing, mala. Anytime u go toilet u remember your meditation! Build up habit associated with meditation. Every time u open refrigerator or go to kitchen. See which thing U do a lot everyday n associate that w meditation. Everyday get lost 30 times . More get lost is better. Count. These don’t count towards homework. Is bonus.

Refuge- longingness to hold on to smthg to make complete

External -Buddha dharma sangha

Internal – absolute refuge, our Buddha nature, or basic goodness, wisdom awareness loving kindness compassion.

Real Buddha in us, recognize believe n practice this confidence

After taking refuge what do u do,

Accept Buddha (guide) dharma (path) sangha (friend)

Try to b kind. Good heart b kind helpful according to your capability

Fail more better because u try.

Guide yourself- believe yourself don’t get influenced by negativity. Use your own wisdom capabilities experience don’t just follow. Take yourself as value. Try.


Everything is impermanent.

So is our retreat .

That is our life.

But all the wisdom n experience is with you forever.

How do u practice in everyday life.

Problem is really precious.

My panic is v precious n one of my best teacher my best friend.

I learn a lot from my panic.

Went to retreat for 3 yrs n learn a lot.

All practice is how to make friends w our problems.

I m lazy n I try to get rid n block my panic.

Lazy n panic become gd friend.

Accept n b with panic n still can develop meditation.

Use panic as support for meditation for loving kindness emptiness wisdom.

Can use panic for so many things.

Why not?

Then u can accept.

After a while panic becomes source of joy.

Symptoms still there in body but u feel happy in mind

Panic n me become v gd friend

Use same meditation techniques with life.

Learn fr the experience of gg to die

Cannot see hear body paralyze

Almost unconscious

Suddenly mind become so clear no monkey mind no concepts no up no down no time

5/6 hrs then I come back

After coming back so much gratitude n appreciation

Street become my home

Now all so perfect so nice

So precious so appreciate

I stand up I can stand up

Feel thirsty

Go to fetch water but unconscious

No awareness

But almost die awareness still have

In your life everything is wonderful

That’s when u lost more

When u have problems u will have more practice for meditation

In Tibet in mountain fresh air n water

If u don’t need to look for prob, problems come n look for u, how wonderful.

Meditators have to come down fr mountain, to look for problems. For u free problems in life. How wonderful !

When u have problems , how?

Transform into awareness, lobby ng kindness compassion, wisdom

When u have prob there is opportunity to grow, discover n to adventure

Meditate short time is v helpful for u to grow in the process

4 tools :

  1. Be aware- Physical sensation, try something different, watch flower , listen to sound , b aware of taste, smell . Make another emotion, open awareness. Step back. Take a break. Joy of living level 1. Everything support for meditation.
  2. Level 2. Understand that not only u in this situation. Everyone is like you. May all beings prob b my problem. May my problem rep the beings. That prob purify negativity n have virtue. Transform hatred attachment jealousy anger etc into loving kindness compassion. When I have this anger I won’t b at peace . Those who have these won’t b happy like me. May all beings hatred come to me. Then they can b free. Your hatred then becomes meaningful. Don’t have to suppress your hatred. Transform hatred into loving kindness compassion.
  3. Joy of living level 3. Emptiness. Ask a qns, who is angry at who? I m emptiness, the opp is emptiness, the feeling is emptiness . So anger is transformed for a few seconds. Then may come back even stronger. But u can practice. Again n again . Then slowly everything become liberated n you r trained for wisdom
  4. Path to liberation. Rest n don’t have to do anything. Don’t have to watch transform ask qns. Just rest . B with the space. With space u don’t have to do anything w cloud. Space it’s nature is free fr cloud n pollution.

You need to change tools to use.

You may think still have monkey mind, no emotions, try to block river. Don’t try to expect smthg special extraordinary, awareness is with u all the time.

If u raise hand n know it that’s awareness.

That’s all.

Real joy contentment will develop within u. Wisdom love n compassion clarity u become smarter. U grow.

When u meditate it’s gd for knowledge wisdom too

Life becomes meaningful joyful happy anytime anywhere

Joy of Living.

Really have liberation n freedom.


Finish the homework.

Dedication: heart of practice

Good motivation

Make meaning when u gg to meditate, intention for meaningful purpose, why do u want to meditate?

Meaning: Not for yourself only. For friend family pet

To change world we need to change ourselves

When u meditate, start by bringing peace to yourself n family. So anyone related to u can feel peace

Finally let this benefit world

End of meditation dedicate, if no dedication there r 4 obstacles.

  • regret – show off – anger – wrong understanding

If u dedicate, even if these 4 happen, virtue don’t go down

Dedicate is like pressing save in the computer

What’s the dedication?

  1. Non conceptual dedication – high level
  2. Dedication following others who have high level of accomplishment- we imitate, like Buddha enlightened being dedicate just like how these beings dedicate. Purpose- to have happiness n to b free fr suffering. Final destination to b free- dedicate to all beings to b free
  3. Dedicate for others- like putting money in a gd bank


Power is within u

Empowerment is To tell u that u r the power, u r the Buddha

He is rich but u don’t know u r rich

U have diamond but u don’t know

If u recognize ur diamond u can use it

Each of u is unique

You r more smart kind capable than u think of

It’s for u to recognize your goodness


Imagine Jin gang sa duo infront of u

It’s wisdom always with u


Why get this empowerment ?

To benefit yourself friends family society n followers

You r here as represent for many beings

Benefit others

Help all beings recognize our true nature

The diamond in our heart n mind

Like vajrasattva

Main part of empowerment

Imagine yourself as bodhisattva

Your nature n V nature is sane

U r enlightened being u r rich u don’t know tats y u begging food

U don’t know u have diamond

I didn’t know until today

I m enlightened being

I m vajrasattva

Just like moon reflections in the lake, or a rainbow in the sky

U can c but not real

If u practice like that, gd for shamatha meditation bcoz u have to use awareness

Gd for vipassana emptiness practice

Form is emptiness emptiness is form

Loving kindness compassion practice to benefit beings

Benefit the recognition of your true nature- feel alive in your body n mind of your qualities- all the enlightened qualities compassion loving kindness etc within u

Imagination has power

If u think u r running, your muscles will b in the mindset to run

Use this imagination to liberate

Feel the presence of enlightened being wisdom capabilities enlightened mind speech right here right now

Benefit negativity accumulate virtue n positivity


U know durian

What is it like? Can remember clearly ?

Relax think of image shape colour sensations of vajrasattva

U do imagination all the time

Home what is home

Feel the presence of the enlightened being


In the midst of observing, we sometimes have thoughts . There r also some of categorize them. But they seem to radiate fr where somewhere deeper n is always a positive affirmation or inspiration. For example , I was doing sight mediation and in the middle of it, a deeper voice say: how wonderful! To B.B. in a room where pple are world ng hard for spiritual growth! It makes me want to grab every chance to work harder because time keeps running away.

What exactly are these? These feelings that come fr a deeper place. Obviously the answer is not to b attached, but do we count these as little realization?


How do u identify realization

Real significance of keeping spine straight

How to teach children

How did y feel before embarking on retreat

What was your biggest discovery or learning . How did the retreat inspire or change u



Healing (XXXVIII) ****** and finding TPY

Seeing mr Ng is always a wonderful healing experience .

He always manages to distill for me important indepth messages that are important for my soul’s development–and more often than not, things that I have missed in importance.

The first thing he told me about is that I look better.

And the only difference I could think of, is the veg diet I have been on since I met the metaphysics person on 13/5.

I told him I came to seek divinity ‘s assurance on which decision would be better for me?

Is it to stay on n change a beat ?

Or to change an environment n move on?

He wanted to know what propagated the intention to switch.

I spoke candidly about unfairness in workplace and a misalignment in my values n that of the company’s

I told him about my 14 yrs with the company

How each time I would put in lots of hard work n energy to deliver, but the credit wouldn’t b mine.

How unfairness in treatment has been repeating itself?

Also, there would b lots of unfairness in merits distributed.

And he asked, what fairness is?

More important, he fetched for me the idea that unfairness has been repeating for the longest time because I m myself a magnetic field of attracting that into my life

He said, trauma and hurt/pain begets the same trauma the next time

Think about what happened in your first job that set the imprint

And I remembered the stint in crime

I was thrown into the crime desk as a rookie and had to face death

Almost everyday

I had to report to the mortuary for work or scenes of crime, fight, and be in areas of danger . First out of school.

And I particularly remember this incident where I was told to wait at Buangkok with a photographer for a newsmaker.

That area wasn’t developed then. And it’s a family member of a criminal I had to face

The photographer got impatient and refused to wait into the night.

He said it was dangerous for me to stay on too on my own as a little girl.

And I decided to call it quits for the day.

But the next day, the supervisor called me to a room n lectured me about that decision

That I should have held on and waited because that was my job to.

And I might have missed a scoop for the paper.

Now recalling all this to mind made sense of how I have disciplined myself along the way

I put in extra work , harder n harder. But the recognition and rewards didn’t come in for me.

It was a healing cycle that I propagated and repeated

“So it’s time to let go of it now.”

Connect to Mother Earth.

Earth is like your mother whom you can embrace after a hard time. Allow yourself to be connected and for there to be a channel to let go of these energies that had been stored into your body

Feel the parts that hurt in your body and let it go.

Then visualize a door in your head which opens up to light from the universe.

That is like daddy’s energy to imbue you and the parts that hurt and the new Ce light will have a flushing effect.

And I did find a more balanced myself.

Then teacher asked,” did u know why u joined the crime desk”

I knew .

“It was because I wanted it in a sense.

It’s almost like flipping open a book of life, in which I first learnt about death.

But the lesson I want to learn is life. ”

And I felt it. Not understand this .

I thanked the universe for the love.

Teacher says this is amazing.

And almost like a most wonderful gift from the universe.

“Look. You started with crime, then came on to do entertainment , then fashion then food and now your are exploring spirituality.”

It’s like a gradual stepped process and just like how I said it.

To learn about life.

After all the wonderful things. Things physical, it’s about working on the inner aspects. It about the self and helping it grow and develop.

“If you can understand all these, all your previous thoughts about the company would disintegrate completely. Let go. Release all the unfairness, frustration, anger, fear, negativity that has accumulated in you these 14 years. Let go of all these and you will find back your energy. Otherwise, no matter where u go, those will follow and hinder or influence your decisions.”

I already see it.

Teacher introduced the idea of tapping.

Tapping to release unhappy thoughts I held about the company.

And then imbuing myself with gd thoughts.

i also told Mr Ng about how i would walk the same path to work each day so that i could see a tree.

it stood tall and lean and it was open and very upfront.

it was my model and inspiration.

everytime i walked past, i felt energised by it.

and i remember walking and stopping to see birds, it was as if i knew them, and Mr ng remarked,”birds are about freedom .”

and i just felt so touched.

i remember i was in the maldives and sitting at the beach on a hot day. a waiter came and we chatted as he laid down glasses of ice cold water.

he asked me about my name and i said, Yen, its a big bird.

and his words were, “if you were doing things that you like, you would be like a big bird flying in the sky”

i was very stressed up and confused this whole time. i didnt know if i should stay or leave.

coupled with intentions to go vegan, the decision becomes ever more difficult to make.

but i made the decision to write to SH about my concerns and my dissatisfaction with the contract, inappropriate maybe to some and by today’s standards, but truly and from my heart.

and i wake up feeling that both will be good for me no matter what. its about making good every situation and i have pure confidence that i can.

i wake up feeling stupid to be confused and to spoil over this, with space and time, this would seem so meagre, but still very important.

i flipped the papers and saw a word that sparked some reaction. the word is leukaemia.

it sparked a sense of fear in me.

i flipped the pages over , it was my habit to do so. but this time with awareness, i tried to look at it deeper, as the practice teacher would do with me.

to stay put with the word .

i closed my eyes and rolled my eyeballs right for 3 times, then left , countless times.

i saw a movie in which the female lead suffered fr leukaemia and died. it was a love story. now that i m writing, i recalled another movie even earlier, of someone who suffered with the same condition and had bleeding of the gums.

i could remember the fear even then although this incident has passed so many years.

i continued to turn my eyeballs to the left and saw fascinating things.

i saw myself visiting my father who had a spinal surgery at the hospital. i could even see the blankets. and hear the beeps from the machines.

i saw myself as a child, not knowing what this meant, but for sure i was in an atmosphere with a lot of fear, fear fr my father, and more so, my mother and relatives who visited.

a lot of fear.

and i was drenched in all of those.

i carried them.

i was introduced to the idea of fear and associated it with death then and death appeared very scary.

then my mind went back even further to when i was born , fresh out of the bun in the hospital.

this was where it all began!

i was crying a lot and my mother delivering for the first time, had a lot of tension and fear in her too. she was afraid and i got it, everything, the fear she had in her life, in those moments from her, from there.

she felt alone and helpless, not confident , not loved.

that explains why i was crying so much as a baby.

i heard tales of how i cried and my face turned tomato red fr my nanny.

and now i understood , i was trying to cry the shit of fear of my mother out of my system ! so i cried and cried and cried when i was so little, trying my best to get those out of my system.

but it turned out that the crying was insufficient and i was constituted with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. even if i did well, even if i had wonderful thoughts and ideas, i did not express them and kept them in me.

now i know, that these are not me.

my nanny also often recounted how i would often fall sick and had to visit the doctor almost everyday when i was a baby, scaring the shit out of her.

visiting the doctor for the smallest things was a habit of my nanny, who did not know what to do with me. i find myself repeating this in the last few years.

from a fear of seeing the doctor, to creating conditions which warranted visits. for example , headaches, tension and stress, and even a raised ca19.9, all these i created because i have that solid hearth of energy passed over the years from my nanny to just , visit the doctor.

that was the thing i knew, and out of habits, i did it. thus continuing to reinforce the energetic habits i was exposed to since young.

and writing this made me aware of why i was often worked up, when my nana insisted i bring the kids to the doc whenever they had issues.

i didnt like that sound at all.

with the conditions i created for my body, i would just conveniently visit a doctor and leave myself to him. I did not take responsibility on my own for myself.

but that was because nanny was not educated and not aware of other forms of healing, nanny was lost and bringing me to the doctor was the only way out for her.

but not me.

And i do not need these now.

all the old habitual patterns can disintegrate. those are not mine to begin with. those shells break away and fall apart.

i m healthy and good as i m. there is no doubt about this. and i know i m in control and can heal myself, physically and mentally. it just takes time and a lot of awareness and good effort.

i certainly do not need doctors and if i need, help it would come from places from a deeper source , such as getting to know myself better from Mr Ng and reworking my lifestyle by changing how i eat and live.

this is me now, the spirit free, open, carefree, wise, boundless and very confident.


then i wrote a piece like this.


Mr ng mentioned using the left hand to reveal innermost thoughts in the subconscious mind.

and it was wonderful.




Om ma ne pad me hum.