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Thank You 2017, and, Goodbye

Has it been one year already?

The 2016 goodbye post seemed so far, far away. And with a new year coming in less than 24 hours, I feel unprepared for it.

Maybe because I have not written about my 2017.

That day in my mind spa session, I asked Mr Ng how to close the year. I felt like I was in the slur or the flurry of it all. Maybe because there were too many events, emotions ran high and I haven’t had the time to process those bits.
And being the teacher he is, he suggested looking back to recognize and acknowledge the gains and the harvests the year 2017 has brought.
“Even if there were lows, unhappiness, challenges, I see you have many fruitful gains.”
What did I do?
It all seemed so far away now. But let me try ——— counting my blessings in the tiniest way. And I want to number them too.
  1. I tried and became a salesman. It was something I never thought of, dreamt of. But I became one. Was it tough? Maybe not, was it horrible? Not as bad as I thought.
  2. I tried my hand at negotiating business deals.
  3. I learned how to write proposals.
  4. I learnt to make money in another way I was not accustomed to. And that brought lots of lessons to me, its about opening up horizons and expanding boundaries. Just this alone brought me many, one of which was to learn about humility. Its also about doing business in a upfront honest way. Its knowing your own strengths and using it too to the benefit of others.
  5. Now that I m writing about it, I understand how I have been—-I used to only think of the art the emotions and that’s all too easy. Like team mates who must have thought why I have derided, why have I drifted, I think I can safely say no. It’s not that I have drifted or crossed over to the dark side and swopped figures for art, but it’s all too easy— in fact too empty to talk about art when dollars and cents are not in the picture. Nothing moves.
  6. I understand about balance more. I think with that in mind, I can do my art better.
  7. And now, I understand why the Universe sent me this lesson. It was to let me appreciate that at the basic level and for things to work, art surely isn’t it. At least, its not the only way. It was to let me appreciate how dollars and cents could move the world. And how I could put my art in there.
  8. I brought in people and tried to build a team. There were lots of unhappiness I would say but I dealt with it to the best of my ability. Still, there are regrets. But Mr Ng suggested:”if you compare yourself to other bosses, how do you think you fare?much better than many of them right?” YES.
  9. I tried to help a colleague, in fact more than one— see the light.
  10. I have never used my stature as a boss to boss people around, in fact, I shared my experiences with them as a senior would, and I think that is my way or my style as a leader. I have always sought out the middle path and to strike out my own style, I m still on my way. But I can say, good try TPY!
  11. I did not bow down to unfair treatment.
  12. I learnt to speak up—- for myself and my teammates when needed.
  13. I had the chance to fly to shanghai for work, meet with top class producers and discuss my ideas, and these ideas touched people. I still am creative.
  14. And all these helped me assert my authority. I think the lesson to learn is to acknowledge the authority in me. It’s not about pleasing anyone. But to do what is needed and what’s right in the workplace.
  15. I had a chance to visit Hokkaido, made new friends, go to the root of the food chain and see for myself how things are done. In short, find out truth.
  16. I saw how the salmon swam upstream!
  17. I had a chance to take Hui gor tin Davina to Bangkok!
  18. I had a chance to bring the kids to a resort holiday in Phuket .
  19. I had a chance to bring the kids for staycations!
  20. I slept with my kids!
  21. I read to my kids!
  22. I had a chance to bring my family to Japan , especially gor gor and dad.
  23. We saw Mt Fuji!!!
  24. I had the chance to see the Dalai Lama in person!!!
  25. I met Khadro lah !!!!!!!
  26. I met Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche again!!!
  27. I had the chance to visit Tso Pema!!!!!!! Guru Rinpoche’s sacred place! And had my footprint and handprint on his!!!!!!!!
  28. I had the chance to fly business class back from India!
  29. I had so so so many wonderful meetings with extraordinary people—-like the King of Knives! Like the chefs!
  30. I had opportunities to do videos!
  31. I saw Mr Robuchon again and Alain Ducasse.
  32. I get a chance to realign my teeth.
  33. I did a dental implant on my own.
  34. I visited ah ma in hospital and at home.
  35. I tried to help my cousin who had skin problems.
  36. I had the chance to better myself and understand my keloids my body better because of the essential oil journeys, so much facilitated by Juan, John and Peyjin.
  37. I found a lot of grounding ease with essential oils.
  38. I got my kids into EOs and used natural healing methods on them.
  39. I got closer to eating vegetarian.
  40. I had wonderful produce nice chocolates, good food.
  41. I persevered and cooked everyday for my kids on weekdays lunch and dinner.
  42. Above all, I could breathe, I could eat and drink, sleep and do things that matter to me.
  43. I m still me, I remained me.

If 2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose, 2017 was a step further in these lessons, as situations , people, things, threw me in all directions and tested my resolve and my footing in each of the above.

I didn’t think I faltered even if there were challenging times.

I am still me.

In the new 2018 that has just birthed, I would like to:

  1. spend more time with my family, my kids, my husband
  2. spend more time with myself
  3. be more healthy
  4. heal my keloids
  5. sleep earlier
  6. do less work
  7. do more holidays with my precious ones!
  8. do 5 min of practice a day
  9. learn to be still , to be quiet
  10. get more creative, intuitive,
  11. be more in touch with myself
  12. do videos that make a difference, write or say things that would inspire, hence express my light and that of others, and be the magic to people around me.
  13. work on a tv programme!
  14. keep that wonder, that purity in me.
  15. 我想学习过得自在一点,老师说,生活其实不需要那么辛苦的,只是,很多的约定俗成和旧有模式,让我们疲惫疲累。其实,生活是可以很轻松的。我想学!

May the universe and my guardian angels support me, guide me, bless me, be with me always.

May the new beginning bring forth lots of light and clarity. Let there be true vision, stability, strength. May you find the quiet, peacefulness and freedom you need and may you find beauty, wonder and magic in the moments in between.

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Thank you 2016, and Goodbye

2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose.

And following that.

it is about being open minded enough to be able to hear and touch one’s life purpose and savouring the beauty of it.

when I think of how its writing that brought me here, to do the things I have, I find it unbelievable.

like how I have expanded my repertoire to be involved with seeing concepts as well.

like so much inner work that has gone through.

2016 has about discovering myself and the limitless possibilities that can be. as if a baby flexing his limbs and has just begun to crawl.

Thank You 2016,  you have been so important as my teacher.

I tried so many new things, I left a job of 15 years, I joined a new place, I took part in a retreat, I did FB Live with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, I created Friend of Michelin concept, I worked with Nicholas Tse, I learnt about holding a process.

I learned to work with myself and new people, I learned to work with my family and my husband, I learned about balancing. And is still learning to do that better.

It has been nothing short of incredible.

I remember telling Teacher, that going forward, I want to create more videos, and do more concepts, that would create a spark, a moment of wonder, a sense of dicovery in another’s life.

May the divine guide and support me on all fronts.

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I celebrate you,  TPY, you who has triumphed the big and little, on all fronts on all counts, once and again. You who have drawn out energy from the deepest once and again. You who believed in yourself and you who didnt give up. You who tried so hard without compromise. You pure and simple. So, well done!
May the brand new 2017 bring with it lots of fresh energies, lots of inspirations, to support big and little breakthroughs. With awareness, we can break free of our old shells, attitudes and share our innermost light with the human race. May there be lots of light, beauty, magic and wonder in the days ahead. May we all be blessed and protected, with wisdom.

I want to be that light, that magic and wonder. I want to b free. may you be free.

May you be well and happy.

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Happy 2017!

 

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Healing XXXXii

Before 2016 ends off, I went for another insightful mind spa session.

Inspired by a colleague’s words, I wanted a closure to 2016.

I shared with Teacher how this year has been and how I have been looking for a team.

I remembered that experience talking to M, CY n Cherry. All with different years of experience and each sort of a reflection of me, at a different point in time.

As if reminding me not to lose my passion n that me in work.

I talked about M, and how she stands for responsibility.

I talked about CY n I got touched.

I’ve become more aware of my emotions, I stilled myself to listen to it, I sat with the emotions n teacher asked, what is it about CY that evoked the emotion?

It’s that sense of purity, simplicity n straightforwardness.

And teacher rightly pointed this, ” Yen , u r afraid of losing that part of u. But we grow, look at how far u have come along, our soul evolves and you r set for bigger things. I can see it already.”

I told him about how I have evolved to do concept selling or a salesman of sorts n I m taking this open mindedly. And that I m always balancing commercial situations with an educational angle.

But this is one of the most commercial situations I have worked with in my life since 10-15 years back when we had a financial situation at home.

Obviously I didn’t learn all that I had to, so circumstances have evolved to get me to face issues I needed to breakthrough.

I told him about the dream I have yesterday.

Are dreams accidental?

“Nope. Dreams are messages that are important.”

In my dream, I went into a temple of tablets with2 friends. Both of them disappeared n I was left alone, breaking thru doors n doors of tablets before emerging into light n seeing my friend. She is Yiling and she squeezed my hand, as if a nod to our friendship.

Teacher asked about the most obvious quality of my friend.

I said: “she is so obstinate so so so steadfast.”

He decoded the dream for me.

That a part of myself, the obstinate character in me is in need of some attention.

And tablets – the environment, was about things that have gone past.

“Are you holding on to things that do not serve you and your life anymore? Time to let them go.”

We spoke about my attitudes towards working. Such as me being fixated with judgements on money, commercialisation n how I should b creative totally and not be commercialized.

“But there’s nothing wrong with money. Or commercializing something. If u remember the movie Matrix, you would know what I mean. Matrix is such a deep movie but the creators were able to bring the ideas down to the mass levels so that people of the commons could access the deeper ideas. And I find it so amazing that the movie could combine such lofty ideas with commercial success.”

The inspiration is to break free n not approach anything with judgements. So that I can b totally free in the mind and heart.

Teacher reminded again, “there’s nothing wrong in commercializations but the intention behind it.”

The inspiration is again, intention n what you want to do. It’s also learning to bring yourself down to the level of the masses.

Teacher also mentioned the term ancestral healing.

“A lot of times, traits we carry are an inheritance from our ancestors…”

And I shared how my maternal grandfather was often billed as stingy or how calculative he would be as a businessman n everything is reduced to cents that cannot be compromised.

And I met this match in my new environment- my boss, who is a reflection of grandfather ‘s traits.”

“Learn to work n heal this energy . That would heal your ancestors n your next generation. Learn to make a change that will make a difference .”

I realized that opening my heart n a really open attitude n awareness is what will be crucial n helpful to making a difference.

I realized also that by having balances to commercial initiatives is a way my soul is creatively addressing this issue.

Teacher encouraged me to give a little wrap — and it wasn’t easy.

“it was this ups and downs, very intense ones, and then a straight line. I m happy to be here now, with the straight line. recently I had a swollen gum and a raw throat, and I suddenly began to enjoy a simple bowl of rice porridge. I had cut down on food and animal protein this year and if I had it, it would be too much for me to take.

I m happy to be here at this point in time.

But it was as if I had done nothing, everything was surreal and, unbelievable. 不可思议。我好像什么都没有做。一切来的那么容易。Everything came naturally. I didn’t do anything, I was just a passerby. And I happened to experience it. ”

The Divine had a hand in this.

But also I discovered something I did differently. In the ups and downs, I gave my presence to that moment, so when things passed, so did I. I was able to let it go easily. I didn’t hang on.

It was different from the past, when I was blocked and didn’t face up to the moments, and would have to relive those afterwards.

And teacher let out his angel cards for me.

“like how you mentioned the divine’s hand…let the divine do this too!”

and the spiritual quality I drew out was

Forgiveness.

I told him about hearing about my friend’s unhappy marital relationships and how I was reminded of my dad n mom.

Forgiveness.

The divine was spot on, it would be my learning for 2017, to learn to let go n forgive, dad n me.

“your dad didn’t have the awareness and wisdom like u have, he didn’t have the opportunity like u have. he ‘s almost acting under the influences of all he had before him. and although I do not know him, I know he did it for the family and he is feeling so so so so sorry about it”

I could feel how so so so so sorry my dad is in those moments and I told teacher that.

I asked for another card. and teacher suggested, “how about another quality that would support your finding forgiveness?”

I got Expansiveness.

Open mindedness, to distill yourself out of the environment you are in, and look at it from the outside. I m reminded of this realisation that dawned upon me as I was what sapping Xie YM.

置身其中,也要有置身其外的心情。

I also told teacher, I feel like I m looking for something, even if I have formed a core team at work.

Teacher felt that too.

I told him about the lack of support I felt in work.

To which he replied,” the real sense of support would be felt if one’s purpose is aligned to the core. Nothing very much to do with the external environment really.”

And today, miraculously, I knew what I was looking for.

IT WAS BF’S SUPPORT.

I’ve aways had this sense of worry or uncertainty about bf’s feelings towards me working.

I finally popped the qns today and we had a discussion.

I had a sense that I had some, but not total unconditional support.

good enough for the time being I guess.

I m grateful.

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Teacher reminded me about the importance of self care.

“remember to have your bowl of porridge, thats a time for you to rest n settle and to recharge so that you can have your ideas when u need.”

 

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Healing XXXXi

Went back to Mr Ng for a mind spa session after so long, i used to have these therapeutic mind cleansing sessions each month, but because of the work of late, I skipped a few.

I remember crossing the bridge with happy steps.

I was so so happy just to attend a session.

Because its for me, my truest me. I made time for me, that made me truly—happy.

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I spoke about all that has happened.

Trying out so many new things on a new platform.

Like doing a Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche Facebook Live, like realising a Friend of Michelin concept and getting Nicholas Tse to be the face.

Like receiving a message from his manager to say–if the opportunity arises, lets work together.

From being treated poorly by her, to receiving a message, it is such a compliment, it is the best reward.

It showed me that the values I grew up with, and my adhering to these values over the years, were correct. And I should stick to these, and pass them on. Even if the world has changed, even if people have strayed.

And to have Nicholas Tse in the kitchen with me and passing me a slice of french shallot and spanish cucumber.

I remember asking if I could have a gazpacho, but he said that the gazpacho would have to be marinated overnight.

But afterwards in the afternoon, he really got me some to try.

And after the whole event, he gave me hug to say, “Thank You, 我知道你辛苦了”

He shared the Friend of Michelin memento with me.

The whole process was fraught with difficulties and so so much. Like a miserable media attendance, like not getting the mandate, like having this idea deemed to have failed because of a lack of website hits, FB likes and etc.

Like not having the agreement ready and to run the risk of Nicholas being stopped by his agency to fly, when the event would be a few days away.

But i was grounded and i realised that i did what Mr Ng was doing. I was not emotional, I was aware and solidly grounded, and I held on to the process.

I hold and supported the process.

That was what was real. So real, that was my growth, my reality, my discovery,

MY BREAKTHROUGH.

i passed the test and is elevated now.

In the process of speaking to Mr Ng, I felt this silently gentle solid yet soft streaming energy or force at heart.

It was so quiet but so steady and sure, I had to listen to it.

It was grounding.

I felt it for the first time so clearly. It was like mother’s love, unending, ever so calm and peaceful.

And i realised how and why?

It was that i was at peace and one with the universe. not resisting, not intending, not managing or trying to alter anything.

Just one with the universe.

That was beautiful.

I repeated many times, that all that has happened is surreal, miraculous and unbelievable.

不可思议。

like a dream.

And Mr Ng added that everything that seemed so surreal was so because i m on the right path, and fulfilling or answering my life purpose.

And what was that?

“to be creative.”

To which I added,

To create these flashes of light, to touch to inspire and make a difference to lives.

i just want to do that, create these beautiful magical moments of light.

and why?

simply because i have experienced the beauty of it, these beautiful moments of light have changed me.

and i want others to feel it for themselves.

it would be wonderful to have created a difference, but just letting them feel it, that light would be brilliant enough.

I felt almost like a messenger of the divine.

they work through me, and that is how, people and things come into my life and continue to support my endeavour.

Mr Ng encouraged me to continue to work at that, listening and adhering to my life purpose, to bring light onto myself and others.

That would be truly what makes me, fulfils me. And to converse and work closely with the divine.

Unbelievable.

还是那句,不可思议。

 

 

 

0

Healing (XXXX)

很期待mindspa

每次都给我不同的启示和学习。

今天带着两个题目去见老师。

1)新工作

我说我是个写作的动物,但离开报馆,我居然一个字都没写。然后日子匆匆过去。来到今天。

我说,新的地方,有很多探索和发现。比如以前只是照顾内容,好的内容,有没有人看,不知道。但在这里,知道一件事的成功,是团队合作。比如和市场传讯部的配合等等。也因为更清楚这个大系统,懂得不要骄傲自大,明白事情的成功,需要多方面配合。

也进一步认识新公司。知道他们是注重数字的。这点和我最不像。但也是这样,抵触的让我知道,我需要在哪方面再开拓自己。这是机会,成长的机会。

老师抓紧了这一点。问我,为什么会对数字不敏感?

我说,也许之前替父亲还债,到今天为止,还了多少我都不知道。也不想。

我说我到现在还是不明白,为什么当时事情会发展到那个地步?

老师说,虽然对父亲不认识,但我们都是凡夫,都有lower aspect,都会犯错,都有兽性。

“你不明白,因为你没有看到这件事带给你的好处。”

确实。我到现在也只看它给我的负面影响。

不过经老师这么一说,好像真的看到了好处。也真的看到了这件事没什么大不了,根本不需要挂心。

尽管这件事让我成长、自立,但我都没有把这些算在内。

“其实你也没有怎样。事情也过去那么久了,原谅也说不上来。那你就必须要明白。这件事对你造成的影响,塑造出今天你处事生活的模式,这些还能帮助你吗?还能serve你吗?如果不能,那就放掉。”

Inner Child或Wounded Child

我们在很大程度上都是wounded child。我们的行动、思维、生活、遭遇。

我们小时候还不懂事的时候受伤。然后记忆和consciousness停留在那个时候,以后碰到类似事件,那个受伤的小孩再出来演练最初受伤时的应对能力。

所以我不断复制过去的悲伤。

重复受伤时当下做出的判断。

比如爸爸欠债时,我立刻本能地反应,跳出来要解救,但情急下忘了honour自己的感受。我block掉自己的情绪。去解救别人。到现在也是这样,人家一开口,我就有一种有求必应的情感,好像不那么做就不舒服。

老师提醒,要承认和觉知这个inner child,并且时时提醒自己,那样是过去不是现在。不断回来做这个练习。从而加大和higher aspect的相处时间。

另一个可以改善的方式,就是回到当下事情发生时,把当时没有说、做的一系列unfinished business做完/说出来。

我说,现在才知道以前生活简单。只需要照顾内容。现在要照顾的更多,但也在学习,很多要吸收的。还在发现。

过去好像一只系上绳索的大象,现在松绑了,不会跑掉。我发现自己失去很本能的东西。

这些在接触新事物时产生出来的碰撞,带来的各种信息,让我有很多的体悟和学习。

但也开始看到,空间那么多那么大,可能性无限,只要不设限,没有什么是不可能的。只是,你愿意走多远?要走多远?

比如新的办公室,很开放的布置。人与人之间完全没用阻隔。以前我们都有自己的cubicle。这样一个新的openness我也在熟悉当中,仿佛一种时时刻刻的提醒。要我不断打开、开拓、伸展。

我说开工的最初,我完全是lost、不知要如何hold这个space的。

老师建议,跟新的地方、公司、家具等建立关系。cocreate with the space

几天前这么写:

我居然没有记录离开报馆这件事。

然后就来到了8月1日,踏入新公司,展开新旅程。

事实上,今天5日了。我在新的公司5天了。

今天同事谈起之前在报馆运用的输入系统,我一时忘了,不过非常开心。

有一种释放掉的感觉。

加入新公司,一天下来,有很多的学习。有很多新的人事物,让我应接不暇。

应该也有很多情绪。隐隐约约。

比如,可能这家公司和我个人的价值或意愿/趋向不太一样。这是一个数字的地方,我是一个情感的物体。

比如,这样的抵触形成一种挑战,这就是我要学习面对的,work with的。这就是我的学习。

比如,很多我不懂得,但我享受其中。有多久了我不懂?有一种回到原点的感觉。

比如,我开始意识到,原来我没有带着负面情绪上班,对某人某事。纯粹就是来开工写故事学习。

生活一下子变得复杂也变得单纯。

我在摸索,在探索。

可能因为这些想法,我没有特别兴奋,没有特别有新的感觉

但我特别喜欢Michelle送过来的祝福,很触动我

Dearest PY,

Just saw your email on your new role and I’m very excited about the adventures and learning curve ahead of you!

 

Michelle

我回答说:

Dear Michelle

Happy Monday !

Thank you for sharing these sentiments, as a matter of fact, i m feeling the jitters too! Haven’t been without boundaries for a while.

她说:

Blaze your own trail…as you’ve always done. J

Michelle

然后我说

LOVE this advice! Keeping it zipped up!

Feeling grateful, 🙂

她说:

Keep inspiring – there’s no glass ceiling!

我感谢她,提醒我,原来我一直以来已经在走自己的路,我感谢她,提醒我,原来可以随心所欲,没有尽头。

我很感动。它让你记住,只要你愿意,海阔天空,任我翱翔。

过去工作上有人帮忙看着,我只顾在自己的一片天地开垦。原来那是一件多么容易的事。

我像是一只长期被系上绳子的大象,现在松绑了,也不会跑。

那是我的挑战。

现在就要学走然后跑跳。

慢慢渐入状况,开始有可以贡献给同事,创造价值的地方,然后慢慢的和这里产生默契。

我跟老师说,上一次我看到米其林三星餐馆的curtis duffy纪录片《For Grace》。当下被他的故事吸引,我想采访他。

结果真的有机会了。

老师说,他听了很感动。

我也被触动。

我说,我大概是看到他的故事,他的家庭故事坎坷,所幸身边有一位老师,一盏灯指引。现在是开花结果时。

我知道什么触动了我。是他的故事,给我力量。

2)家庭

加入新公司第4天早上,我做了一件我很后悔的事。也许我这一辈子都不会忘记。

我记得老师说,如果我不照顾我的愤怒,会有伤害我的地方。

星期一赶着下班,冲回家煮晚餐,给小瓜冲凉,喂小瓜,洗碗,让他们睡下,然后出来烫衣服,还要检查沁芝的心算功课。

我非常生气,觉得恨委屈,怎么,说好了要支持我,结果却是这样支持。

那天一早我马上准备了午餐晚餐,忙了一天,孩子睡下后,跑出来,看bf在沙发上喝酒,也不主动烫衣,那就算了。那连请他帮忙检查的心算,他也没有。

我真的火了,但我能怎么样?

那就烫衣,之后,检查心算。

星期二,bf因为怀皓生气,然后去睡。结果家务又是我。

星期三,bf和朋友出去喝酒。碰巧星期三,我偏偏回来有点迟。一回家,我马上准备晚餐。他吃晚饭就出去。洗衣机洗好的衣服响着,我有一桌子的餐具要洗,沙发上有折好但没有收进衣柜的衣服。两个孩子要照顾,8点钟快到他们得睡了。

我光火。边洗碗边感觉身体在发热。

我知道bf很少和同事出去喝酒,和同事bond也是必要的,但是不是可以在照顾我们一家大小之后?

我觉得我一个人在做这些事。

难道不可以稍微迟到半个小时吗?帮我们一把,不用全部,只是一把,也能减轻我的负担。但他没有。我觉得我们没有在他的第一位。

总是没有的。

一直以来,他的情绪都是最重要的,排第一,所以星期二生皓皓的气,然后一大堆事又不做了。

又或者他累,不想做就不做。

但一家人的生活不是这样的,是吗?我不累吗?我不更累?

星期三bf回来后我们聊,我把不满宣泄出来,他当然也不满,他说这不是沟通。

当然不是,因为是我在讲,沟通是双方的。他不讲话,不是沟通这也是他造成的,却变成我的错!

星期四,我如常在忙。

早上起来准备午餐晚餐。他也没有帮什么,可能前一晚喝酒累了,宁愿看手机也不花时间跟皓皓玩,宁愿闭眼休息也不帮忙皓皓洗刷,换衣。

皓皓嚷着要我陪他,我在忙着切菜,闹了一阵,他又拉我,说要看iPad,不刷牙。

他哭闹好一阵,时间快815am了,bf还是不出来帮忙。好不容易,让皓皓刷牙换衣了。让他穿鞋他不穿。

我去厨房,还有东西要收拾。连面包,也不帮我准备。

皓皓不肯穿鞋。

我一时间火了,哭了,然后开始丢东西,大声嚷嚷,半哀求半嘶吼半发泄。皓皓哭了。bf走出来,说:“你们到底怎么了?不要吓坏皓皓。”

转头对皓皓说:“皓皓你走吧”

然后对我说:“如果你受不了工作压力,那就不要做”

皓皓大哭。

我非常受伤。

他怎么可以这么对我的皓皓说话?

我抱着皓皓哭在一起。我跟皓皓说对不起,对不起皓皓。

我很后悔,如果我再忍一忍,这一切就不会发生。我害怕这对幼小心灵造成伤害,单就像老师说的,创伤会复制创伤,真的是这样。

发生了。

我非常的后悔。

我每次都是那么controlled的

结果这次忍不住了。

控制不了了。但我也是人。

我抱着皓皓,马上对他解释我之所以那样的原因,然后带他找bf,要bf道歉。

一切恢复平静,这是一种很奇怪的感觉

因为心里不可能恢复平静了。好像没有事,但事实上很多事都不一样了。

皓皓不会忘记,我也不会。

隔天,我抱着皓皓,我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,你还看不看ipad?他说:看。

我说,如果时光倒流,回到昨天,我会更好地处理自己的情绪。

皓皓听了我的话,哭了。可见,皓皓受到影响了。他受伤了。他知道事情发生了。

但是,流过的时间是不能收回的。不可能回到昨天。

那一天,我选择跟老师说,希望老师和皓皓谈。后来听老师说,怀皓跟老师说,皓皓和mommy哭了,也对公公说,皓皓哭了。至于为什么哭了,公公说:“皓皓没有说”

我很懊悔这一切的发生。

我对bf道歉,并且解释,我的气,是对着他,因为我一个人忙进忙出的时候,他并没有lift a finger to help,错不是皓皓。皓皓无辜地吸收了这些怨气。

我很后悔。大人的错,孩子受罪。

但另一边,我觉得我释放了什么,我觉得我打开了。从宽一点的的角度来看,我其实还觉得这是健康的宣泄。因为我一定要有时间和空间,真正做回自己。

我不认为发脾气就是不对的负面的。我甚至觉得可以表露自己在家人面前做最真实的自己,这是非常宝贵的。

我觉得一家人就该坦诚以对。而且一起成长。不需要掩饰什么。因为我们都不是完美的人。

我不想像妈妈那样,忘了照顾我们而掩饰什么,自己扛那么重,承受所有的压力。

只是,在孩子成为代价的时候,我特别后悔。

纵然如此, I m taking it constructively

这些告诉老师,老师说,隔天我对怀皓做的时光倒流练习,让怀皓释放了一些。这样已经做得不错。

他说:“好的是你不对自己有太多的批评。而且可以从另一更宽角度去看,是好事。情绪的松懈是好事,只是。不要让情绪伤害另一个人。但事实是,有很多东西我们真的没法控制。可以做的,就是弥补和减轻的工作。就像跌倒擦伤,马上处理伤口。”

老师说,虽然我没说,但可以感受到我的委屈还有对先生的不满。

我谈到他坐在沙发不动也不参与。老师说解释他的理解:“你认为他没帮助你,但他这么做,已经在帮你。这就是他shut out的方式。所以他也有一些blockage的”

Mind spa几个重要主题。

老师说,基本上我们现在的样子就是inner child就是我们生活经验的累积和成果。

不用做什么,inner child已经存在。问题是如何加强、增加我们和higher self在一起的时候

awareness!

-为什么我那么急着救人,碰到问题总是想帮人家解决。总是不顾自己、别人排先自己在后?

数日后

因为公事,急着抢救,又闹笑话,好尴尬。我不断批判自己的时候,突然看见那就是所谓的lower self和inner child

跳开看,这个机会让我看到我又急于抢救,再重复、加强这个习性的行为

正在思考,为什么为什么为什么?

突然想到,小时候妈妈带我和妹妹去普吉岛,在酒店游泳池,妹妹差点淹水,是我救了她。

可能当时也是我因为贪玩要去游泳,我不记得了,但妹妹当时更小,应该是我出的主意吧。

救了妹妹,但没告诉妈妈。也许这样,才那么急于救人。

还有,为什么我这么insecure

总是要和别人比

别人强一点我就有根刺

0

Healing (XXXIX)

Had a most wonderful mind spa session today.

After the session, Mr Ng commented, ” wow you are so bright now!”

I looked around me, the room suddenly spanked light.

It was so bright?

Why didn’t I even know?

Mr Ng said, “I didn’t change the bulbs at all.”

It’s originally so bright?

He nodded.

I took awhile to absorb the light, breathe in the light. Enjoy the light. Bathe in light.

I want to remember that brightness.

In that silence of bathing in it, I heard gratitude.

Not many people have the chance to see this light. I have the opportunity and I give my sincere thanks.

I m grateful for life, grateful to my parents for birthing me, my nanny for showering me with love. I m thankful to all the events that have happened in my life. I thank the universe n my protectors and guardian angels.

And I thank myself.

For once and again choosing the paths I have which brought me to light.

And because I m given this opportunity, which not many have, I want to make good this light. And do good to make good this opportunity.

To continue to write with my heart n honestly.

Mr Ng reminded me, ” to go with light and be light.”

It all started with the intention to discuss the headache I was having and the resignation I was going through.

I told teacher, of the struggles n conflict within.

How my lower self or habits attracted me to run away n seek comfort, I do not want to grow up! whilst my soul, deep down knew I wanted growth.

Teacher reminded me, ” growing up is not an easy path. People tend to idealise it but the road maybe a difficult one. So know that this is your choice. If you are conscious of your choice, that this decision is your choice, then whatever may be, it will not unsettle you.”

Teacher reinforced the idea of connecting again back to Mother Earth n the universe and to let the energy flow.

He reiterated that this would be the way to increase the time we spend with our higher selves instead of getting in touch with our lower self we are so accustomed to. Because some habits have been with us since aeons so it’s not easy to change in a while.

And I have to consciously do more of this connecting with earth and universe so that the energy flows.

He says, ” be gentle. Otherwise it might become a punishment instead and there will b side effects. Be very patient with yourself.”

So the question is, why do I not want to grow up?

The first thought is, I fear death.

He explained that some of the habits have been accumulated from the past and with a new body, they emit magnetic waves and attract people events in our lives. It’s this that we are succumbing to or subjected to once n again. We speak n act from this point.

So I said, there must be a way to rewrite this program right? With a lot of effort it’s possible.

“It is! The word I use is demagnetize. But the idea is this same. We talked about a magnetic field. So how to demagnetize? It’s tapping. When you tap, with an idea you are used to, you are tapping it out of your system, then u imbue the system with a good thought.”

It’s wonderful.

Just having an opportunity to exercise a change and the prospect of having it is a wondrous thing!

Teacher explained and we started.

I first tapped on my headache. Then a second layer came upon me.

I felt sick n tired and I just want to switch off. I m sick of the old practices and modes of thinking n behavior. I feel like they are making me reinforce old habits and I desperately want a breakthrough. I want to do away with the old. The old set of ways I have been accustomed to, they r limiting me in a way and have expired. I do not need them now. I want to bye them away!

We tapped on the headache.

But these came through.

Then teacher stopped.

“You have a lot of frustrations in you. I m stopping because of this. Let’s tap on your frustrations.”

I did and I became angry.

” Yes you are very angry. I could feel as if you wanted to carry things and throw them.”

I tapped on my anger.

Even teacher raised his voice to guide me

But the anger and so many of it is in me. My words became hard n cold I begin to quiver as I mouthed the words but I still contained the anger.

I just couldn’t let it out! Society culture me! I couldn’t!

He retreated to open a drawer and pulled out a towel.

“Cover your mouth.”

I swear I shouted n cried so hard.

So hard my legs started to move on the floor. My fingers gripped the towel so hard. My heart raced and my body felt so warm.

I screamed.

Then when I cooled down, Teacher said, ” it is very sad looking at you do this. Society culture family upbringing is stopping you from releasing all the anger and frustration in you. But you have to find a way to release. Otherwise it will hurt you in a very big way.”

This I certainly did not expect from him.

I said I guess my story of pent up frustration is not new or unique . Many people are the same. They do not express and become numb and close up along the way.

But the fact is, I do not want to b like that.

I felt my headache gone then come back as an aching feeling in the lower left back.

Then teacher wanted me to lie down.

I felt like crying on the bed and on the pillow. It just coaxed the tears out of me. There was a lot of reassuring healing love.

Space!

Teacher used a drum.

As it progressed, I saw images of my my mother, maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my uncle, my aunt, my maternal grandfather and kiat.

All the deaths in my family.

But I found myself acknowledging their deaths for once and said goodbye.

For once I acknowledged their deaths.

Then he breathed and sort of gently drew circles or— I do not know what at the crown of my head.

I heard birds chirping. In the background and they gave me comfort.

Sometimes I drifted away, where I do not know.

Then came back as I heard a toddler’s shoe making a sound on contact with the floor.

It’s the footsteps that woke me.

The sound of life.

It’s still amazing and wonderful and I give my thanks.

I thanked my protectors my guardian angels Buddha even teacher.

He says, ” your soul may be ready to move on but your body is still very attached to your company. So there are some tensions. It’s important to say a proper goodbye. ”

Teacher sat beside me and wanted me to say goodbye.

I found it hard in the beginning but I did.

SPH has been my support for the longest time, not just physical or in the monetary sense but also, emotionally.

Writing and SPH is my escape my support my home n me.

Especially when I had none or was lost.

So it’s really hard to let go.

So hard. So so hard.

I don’t know how to let go.

Every person every story I did make me learn n grow as a person. Opened me up and fulfilled me. Made me blossom and gave me life.

They all culminated in the person that I m now.

But equally I can hold my head up high and strut out.

我可以抬起头,挺胸走出去

因为不管是什么稿件、什么故事,不管是老板、清洁工,我都没有用少一分的陈彬雁去对待。

我都是拿出我的真心对待。

老师说:“我知道。你可以给你自己credit。”

可是,为什么别人都不能以真心回应?都不能打开别人?

老师说,“你要知道别人也带着创伤来。也从那个角度在看世界。所以最重要的是,你用了真心。”

“可能我要在这里代表所有广大的读者,谢谢你,我们以后可能再也没有机会去读你的报道,谢谢你带给我们诚实真诚的报道。”

我记得我说:“I accept this, thank you.”

所以除了感谢,我很感谢拥有那些机会,遇到那样的人,做那样的采访,写那样的稿件,但同样的,我毫无保留沒完完全全把当下应该做的都如我那样地做了。我没有保留。

i did what I can , in the time that i could, and what i want , 所以我可以抬头走出去。bonus就是along the way,给人带来温热,温暖,或者是些许的照亮。

有好几次,我感觉到头整个充满能量,有好多情绪是之前忽略的,现在感受到了。

cleansing完毕,真的觉得打从内心比较安定,更ready,可以离开了。我说,i feel more ready now,老师也感觉得到。

我坐立起来,所有的vibrations还在头部、双手、眼皮,但这真的是一个最wonderful的process。

最后向老师请教了say goodbye的方式,claim back所有的credits,把该还的还给公司。切断所有和公司的联系,send well wishes。

隔天继续tap,才知道我不想长大,是因为我觉得自己在很小的年龄就有意识要照顾自己。

确实也是十几岁就独立,刚出来工作,就照顾一个家。很累的。完全没有自己的。

所以在其他方面,我都赖着要别人照顾

0

Healing (XXXVIII) ****** and finding TPY

Seeing mr Ng is always a wonderful healing experience .

He always manages to distill for me important indepth messages that are important for my soul’s development–and more often than not, things that I have missed in importance.

The first thing he told me about is that I look better.

And the only difference I could think of, is the veg diet I have been on since I met the metaphysics person on 13/5.

I told him I came to seek divinity ‘s assurance on which decision would be better for me?

Is it to stay on n change a beat ?

Or to change an environment n move on?

He wanted to know what propagated the intention to switch.

I spoke candidly about unfairness in workplace and a misalignment in my values n that of the company’s

I told him about my 14 yrs with the company

How each time I would put in lots of hard work n energy to deliver, but the credit wouldn’t b mine.

How unfairness in treatment has been repeating itself?

Also, there would b lots of unfairness in merits distributed.

And he asked, what fairness is?

More important, he fetched for me the idea that unfairness has been repeating for the longest time because I m myself a magnetic field of attracting that into my life

He said, trauma and hurt/pain begets the same trauma the next time

Think about what happened in your first job that set the imprint

And I remembered the stint in crime

I was thrown into the crime desk as a rookie and had to face death

Almost everyday

I had to report to the mortuary for work or scenes of crime, fight, and be in areas of danger . First out of school.

And I particularly remember this incident where I was told to wait at Buangkok with a photographer for a newsmaker.

That area wasn’t developed then. And it’s a family member of a criminal I had to face

The photographer got impatient and refused to wait into the night.

He said it was dangerous for me to stay on too on my own as a little girl.

And I decided to call it quits for the day.

But the next day, the supervisor called me to a room n lectured me about that decision

That I should have held on and waited because that was my job to.

And I might have missed a scoop for the paper.

Now recalling all this to mind made sense of how I have disciplined myself along the way

I put in extra work , harder n harder. But the recognition and rewards didn’t come in for me.

It was a healing cycle that I propagated and repeated

“So it’s time to let go of it now.”

Connect to Mother Earth.

Earth is like your mother whom you can embrace after a hard time. Allow yourself to be connected and for there to be a channel to let go of these energies that had been stored into your body

Feel the parts that hurt in your body and let it go.

Then visualize a door in your head which opens up to light from the universe.

That is like daddy’s energy to imbue you and the parts that hurt and the new Ce light will have a flushing effect.

And I did find a more balanced myself.

Then teacher asked,” did u know why u joined the crime desk”

I knew .

“It was because I wanted it in a sense.

It’s almost like flipping open a book of life, in which I first learnt about death.

But the lesson I want to learn is life. ”

And I felt it. Not understand this .

I thanked the universe for the love.

Teacher says this is amazing.

And almost like a most wonderful gift from the universe.

“Look. You started with crime, then came on to do entertainment , then fashion then food and now your are exploring spirituality.”

It’s like a gradual stepped process and just like how I said it.

To learn about life.

After all the wonderful things. Things physical, it’s about working on the inner aspects. It about the self and helping it grow and develop.

“If you can understand all these, all your previous thoughts about the company would disintegrate completely. Let go. Release all the unfairness, frustration, anger, fear, negativity that has accumulated in you these 14 years. Let go of all these and you will find back your energy. Otherwise, no matter where u go, those will follow and hinder or influence your decisions.”

I already see it.

Teacher introduced the idea of tapping.

Tapping to release unhappy thoughts I held about the company.

And then imbuing myself with gd thoughts.

i also told Mr Ng about how i would walk the same path to work each day so that i could see a tree.

it stood tall and lean and it was open and very upfront.

it was my model and inspiration.

everytime i walked past, i felt energised by it.

and i remember walking and stopping to see birds, it was as if i knew them, and Mr ng remarked,”birds are about freedom .”

and i just felt so touched.

i remember i was in the maldives and sitting at the beach on a hot day. a waiter came and we chatted as he laid down glasses of ice cold water.

he asked me about my name and i said, Yen, its a big bird.

and his words were, “if you were doing things that you like, you would be like a big bird flying in the sky”

i was very stressed up and confused this whole time. i didnt know if i should stay or leave.

coupled with intentions to go vegan, the decision becomes ever more difficult to make.

but i made the decision to write to SH about my concerns and my dissatisfaction with the contract, inappropriate maybe to some and by today’s standards, but truly and from my heart.

and i wake up feeling that both will be good for me no matter what. its about making good every situation and i have pure confidence that i can.

i wake up feeling stupid to be confused and to spoil over this, with space and time, this would seem so meagre, but still very important.

i flipped the papers and saw a word that sparked some reaction. the word is leukaemia.

it sparked a sense of fear in me.

i flipped the pages over , it was my habit to do so. but this time with awareness, i tried to look at it deeper, as the practice teacher would do with me.

to stay put with the word .

i closed my eyes and rolled my eyeballs right for 3 times, then left , countless times.

i saw a movie in which the female lead suffered fr leukaemia and died. it was a love story. now that i m writing, i recalled another movie even earlier, of someone who suffered with the same condition and had bleeding of the gums.

i could remember the fear even then although this incident has passed so many years.

i continued to turn my eyeballs to the left and saw fascinating things.

i saw myself visiting my father who had a spinal surgery at the hospital. i could even see the blankets. and hear the beeps from the machines.

i saw myself as a child, not knowing what this meant, but for sure i was in an atmosphere with a lot of fear, fear fr my father, and more so, my mother and relatives who visited.

a lot of fear.

and i was drenched in all of those.

i carried them.

i was introduced to the idea of fear and associated it with death then and death appeared very scary.

then my mind went back even further to when i was born , fresh out of the bun in the hospital.

this was where it all began!

i was crying a lot and my mother delivering for the first time, had a lot of tension and fear in her too. she was afraid and i got it, everything, the fear she had in her life, in those moments from her, from there.

she felt alone and helpless, not confident , not loved.

that explains why i was crying so much as a baby.

i heard tales of how i cried and my face turned tomato red fr my nanny.

and now i understood , i was trying to cry the shit of fear of my mother out of my system ! so i cried and cried and cried when i was so little, trying my best to get those out of my system.

but it turned out that the crying was insufficient and i was constituted with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. even if i did well, even if i had wonderful thoughts and ideas, i did not express them and kept them in me.

now i know, that these are not me.

my nanny also often recounted how i would often fall sick and had to visit the doctor almost everyday when i was a baby, scaring the shit out of her.

visiting the doctor for the smallest things was a habit of my nanny, who did not know what to do with me. i find myself repeating this in the last few years.

from a fear of seeing the doctor, to creating conditions which warranted visits. for example , headaches, tension and stress, and even a raised ca19.9, all these i created because i have that solid hearth of energy passed over the years from my nanny to just , visit the doctor.

that was the thing i knew, and out of habits, i did it. thus continuing to reinforce the energetic habits i was exposed to since young.

and writing this made me aware of why i was often worked up, when my nana insisted i bring the kids to the doc whenever they had issues.

i didnt like that sound at all.

with the conditions i created for my body, i would just conveniently visit a doctor and leave myself to him. I did not take responsibility on my own for myself.

but that was because nanny was not educated and not aware of other forms of healing, nanny was lost and bringing me to the doctor was the only way out for her.

but not me.

And i do not need these now.

all the old habitual patterns can disintegrate. those are not mine to begin with. those shells break away and fall apart.

i m healthy and good as i m. there is no doubt about this. and i know i m in control and can heal myself, physically and mentally. it just takes time and a lot of awareness and good effort.

i certainly do not need doctors and if i need, help it would come from places from a deeper source , such as getting to know myself better from Mr Ng and reworking my lifestyle by changing how i eat and live.

this is me now, the spirit free, open, carefree, wise, boundless and very confident.

 

then i wrote a piece like this.

IMG_1164

Mr ng mentioned using the left hand to reveal innermost thoughts in the subconscious mind.

and it was wonderful.

我想要什么呢?人生的下一章等着我去谱写!我要写什么?

我知道我要写健康我要写wellness我要写和孩子一起成长的一切。

我要写快乐。我要写的还有我自己。我想写好的东西。让更多人懂得要吃的,让他们的过得更好。像我那样改变,然后也想改变别人。

Om ma ne pad me hum.