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Healing XXXXX

Life is a most amazing thing. Or, wonderful.

At least as of now, I finally can understand what it means when someone says, it is a gift. Life is a gift and the everything in it, of it in life—-are gifts.

Its hard to see this in the storm of it, but now that I look back, each and every single thing that happened in my life, is for me.

Because I needed them.

I went for my mindspa session yesterday and as always, Teacher has been most wonderful in facilitating the session.

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At the end of it, he says, “我有一个强烈的预感,或者,已经不是预感,你妈妈想通过我跟你说,她真的很为你感到骄傲。你的成长,你的突破,你的成就,一切。”

He says that he has a feeling—no, not a feeling, but an understanding that Mom wants him to pass this piece of info to me—that she is so very proud of me, my growth, my my attitudes, my achievements.

My honesty.

I remember when Mom passed away, i had a similar healing session, and the words that came out of it from Mom were,

“I m so proud of you, Go do what you think deem fit, You can Do it”

I had these words written down and they were always in front of me on my desk in my old office.

Teacher also said, “你的妈妈对你太重要了,你很在乎很在乎她。而且,你很想念妈妈,非常非常非常的想念。”

He said, “Your Mom is too important to you, you very much take her as the world. And, you miss your mother, a lot, a lot.”

I couldn’t sense it when he said this. Really? I thought?

When he said it, I thought of my daughter Qinzhi, i can sense that she sees the world of her mother—me, too.

Maybe more than how my mother feels to me.

And today, I finally understood what Teacher said.

I finally..honestly shared with SY how I felt about her niece’s sudden death, her 4 year old cutie niece, had influenza b 2 weeks back and that was the end of her young life.

I told her this, “SY一直没有勇气跟你说,也很怕让你难过。尤其看到你好像恢复平常的笑容,但是看到你们家小可爱就这么离开,真的很难过。我妈妈是这样走的,所以我很不愿意有人必须经历这样的心痛。难过到我不能呼吸。所以那几天你不在,我好像一直和你们在一起那样。不知道可以对你说什么,你那边怎样,我也不知道。你之前不让我去follow,但那几天你不在,我还是忍不住每天去看你的instagram。希望你那里一切还好。希望你们一家今后可以好好的,互相扶持,让时间疗愈。 may u b well n happy!”

“I didnt have the courage to say, and I was afraid you will be heartbroken, Especially now that I see you smile again, but seeing your precious little one go, made me very sad. My Mom left this way, and I didnt want to have anyone else experience this pain. I couldnt breathe hearing what happened to you. And in the few days that you are not in, i went to follow you on instagram, to see if alls well at your end. I hope all is well, and I hope your family stays strong, and allow time to heal.”

I got in touch with the pain of losing mother as I wrote this.

And I finally understand why Teacher said, “You miss your mother so much.”

And SY said to me, “没事 她一直在我们心里
时间会让大家痊愈
她这三年都很开心
很庆幸我去年还带了她去日本玩
我想你这期间也应该想起了母亲
希望你现在也已经在痊愈中
❤”

“Its alright, she’s living in our hearts. Time will heal everybody, she’s been happy these 3 years, I feel consoled that I brought her to Japan. I think you must have thought of your Mother this time, I hope you are already on the mend.”

Seeing this made me cry so hard.

When this happened, I didnt know what to say to SY, I didnt know what to do, I didnt know —until now—but now I do, this recent incident, sent me back to the time I lost my mother to a cold or flu, and when virus went to her heart. Mom left like that.

Now as I write I know, I was caught in that situation and trapped. In the world of healing, they call this—Trance.

All the feelings of pressure, helplessness, sadness came, and now I understand why I had all these unexplainable bouts of indigestion, bloating, pricks in the chest, heartache, backache.

All the pain and lack of support —they are all back.

And they remind me, there is something not resolved in my life, I m blessed and thankful I have Teacher with me to help me bridge the river I was to pass these 16 years.

Yes Mom, now I know —or probably not enough—-how I missed you, how important you are to me, how I see the world of you. How you love me, and how I love you.

It seemed like I didnt progress at all these 16 years, not making sense or accepting that you have left.

It all started with a little story I told Teacher yesterday.

I shared that I was missed out in a few meetings on content for events, and the final presentation came below my expectation. Also, I used to plan content for some events, but now I m not involved because I was left out of it.

I felt like I was not respected, not recognised, I was sore and angry about not being consulted and for the final event to come out sub standard.

But it beyond this thing about respect and recognition,  I wanted to give and offer my help, but I was rejected.

It was as simple as this, like I came forward despite all and I was not given a chance to offer. Its like being turned away.

It hurt me a lot. Rejection.

Teacher was very sharp. He picked this out, that in life if you meet with circumstances again and again, it meant there was a deeper root that needs to be undone. Well in my last role, I also met with an authority who did not see my capabilities and rather believed in substandard people who were all about telling sweet nothings but had no real capabilities.

Teacher was so sharp, he laid me down, and asked for permission to put his hand on my stomach.

Coincidentally, in the days before, I had the thought of him using his magic hand, to help me clear away old energies, I felt trapped in all the body symptoms I was experiencing, it felt so tough so I thought of using his hand.

And he did.

He didnt do anything, his hand was just above my tummy and we spoke.

He said, “Before we start this process, I would like to say that, a lot of times, there are problems which surface once and again, and somehow you get the idea that, these problems cannot be solved with your capabilities, intelligence, so we ask upon higher powers whom you feel an affinity to, to be present to support you. To show you the path so you can breakthrough.”

I did, “Dear Lord Buddha, Goddess of Mercy, Guru Rinpoche, my guardian angels, may I invite you to support me, to show my the path, the light, may I be healed.”

Teacher: “Alot of times, we neglect this energy that is Mother Earth, Mother Earth is all encompassing and nurturing, You lost your mother, but there’s Mother Earth, use a bit of imagination, see yourself running on the greens. Feel Mother Earth’s love.”

Strangely last week when I was in the Botanic Gardens, I had this longing to lie on the green grass and I did even if I was dressed for dinner at a starred restaurant.

A few days ago, while I was walking after lunch, I specifically looked for a patch of green, my back was so uncomfortable, I felt like I just needed support, I just needed to lie down.

I told Teacher about this, and he went, “See your longing to be connected?”

“I want to bring you to the greens, and rest in nature. What do you see?”

“I saw myself in my old house, I was ironing the clothes, and Mom was back, she went to mop the floor again even if I had done it for her. I was so angry ironing clothes, I told her off—– next time you do it yourself. Mom was very sad, she cried hearing me say this, she came over and put her hands on my shoulders, and I brushed it off. She said, ‘Girl, dont be like that to me’. I told her off.”

Rejection.

She rejected my help and I rejected her plea.

Now as I write I know—this I had been clinging on to.

Teacher said, “did u regret? did you feel sorry?”

I said “Probably? I was so sore and angry and frustrated, when I have already done it for you, why do you have to redo? Dont you trust me?”

Mom had high expectations and she redid things I did.

Teacher was super sharp. He pointed this out, “If you had the chance to do this again, what would you say to her? What is it you want to say to her?”

“You are so busy and tired already, the floor is not important, your well being is more important. “

Teacher: “Do you see how much you cared for your Mother? But look at this again, this time in the perspective as a Mother, if your daughter is doing housework for you, would you do it again?”

I was like, SHIT.

“I would.”

Teacher, “And it was because you saw things your daughter couldnt. Yes you would, because you have your mother’s exacting standards. So your mother also saw things you didnt do, that was why she did it again. Can you understand this? So if you cannot accept your daughter’s work, can you accept what your mother did? The fact that she mopped the floor again?

Do you see how much of your Mother you carry in you? High standards, if not higher. Very high in fact.

 

And if your daughter did work for you, what would you say to her?”

“Thank you Qinzhi for loving me and helping me.”

And i immediately felt regret: How many awful things have I done to my daughter? When I shouted at her for not doing work? For not knowing math.

And Teacher picked that up!

It was impossible to fool him.

He asked, “Did you feel trapped in the middle, you with your mother, and you as a mother, facing your daughter?”

“Yes yes yes,” I said, “I think my daughter sees the world of me, much more, even more than how I see my daughter. She loves me more than I love my mother, very much more. But how many times have I hurt her? I dont know the extent of impact of my actions and speech on her. Like how my mother was to me. So how do i undo this? Is it to say the things I have to say? “

Teacher, “Nope, we still have to go back to that situation. What is it you really wanted to say to your mother? I want to hear it, you have to say it out.”

And he couldnt wait longer, “You also wanted to say, I care for you, I hope you have time to rest, that is why I did housework for you. That was how much your Mother mattered to you. You wanted to help her and she rejected. But you see, it doesnt mean that you dont matter to her. It doesnt mean that she does not acknowledge your effort.

So coming back to the situations you encountered in life, once and again, meeting with bosses who do not seem to see your capabilities—-YOU DONT NEED THEIR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, THEY ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER.

Your practice and homework now and forward is—have the awareness to see this point. When your boss comes to you, be sure to understand this in you—that she is not your mother, you do not need their recognition. “

Strangely, a few days ago, this popped out in a variety show I watched. It was a singing competition, and the contestant sobbed on stage recounting how they have been praised and discouraged by comments online. To this one of the judges said, “DO you know them? If not, why do you allow them to matter to you? “

Another said, “Why do you not choose to look at the 100 praises but allow the 1 negative comment to affect you?”

Clamouring for recognition praises likes, these are the things I fall into to.

Teacher, “You mistook these for your Mother, because you once was rejected and was not recognised or acknowledged for your effort.”

But these situations come back to remind you to show you about a distant past I was fixated on.

Knowing this is important for me to breakthrough. Understanding that I m complete and not in need of recognition or acknowledgement. And Teacher brought me back to my intentions to show me why I was on this path.

“Do you remember, when you considered this job change, what was your motivation?”

“It was to share a light. To touch and to warm people’s hearts. I wanted to do that”

“Yes Yes, i remember you saying that! You have a gift for doing that. You are already able to see beyond words and speech to reach to that light below. You know, each of us is a light, but alot of times, this light is not being exposed, because of many reasons, like the norms of society and others.”

Earlier, I told Teacher about interviewing Daniel Boulud the day before.

I was at MBS and I had their crew to support. Everything was set up so perfectly, it was a dream come through for me.

I had interviewed the same chef ten years ago when MBS opened. Ten years later, we are back like how a circle completes it path but this time, even if we are in the same interviewer-interviewee position, so much has changed.

The setup is like magic to me, I commanded the team. There was a cue board, which someone held on to clap and it beared my name and the crew supporting it.

Seeing it clap is like magic, it reminds me to be in position. To be present to listen to ask the right questions.

It was also a motivation for me, where else can I go now that I m here, this setup inspired me, HERE.

NOW.

Continue to go deeper within –yourself and others. The only way I can fetch out good quotes is others, is to go deeper myself. To experience myself.

I shared with Teacher how I made Daniel Boulud cry.

He was giving me all the best answers and I was almost giving up, I need something more personal.

But i persevered and wanted to try go deeper.

I got my chance when he talked about writing a book for young talents.

Until he talked about dreams and sacrifice. I asked him, what was the greatest sacrifice?

“Family”

And he teared up.

“Every night, we busied ourselves working for the pleasure of others, no one would be able to understand how much a chef has to do to get to where he is.”

I could feel for what he said.

Many at times, it was as if, he was talking about my life.

I told Teacher about this. I told teacher also about Crenn who told me about her being adopted. But I said, even as she shared about accepting, I felt that she has not yet fully done so.

“You see, you can already see beyond speech, to bring people to their light below.”

I told Teacher about feeling like him when I do these interviews with chefs. And I can see how Teacher as a bystander and outsider sees so much more clearly. I said that everything is actually quite apparent if you are on the outside.

To which he agrees, “Yes because most of the time, we are all embroiled in our own story. “

I thank him dearly, for being with me to support, to offer his time and presence, and to listen.

“It is easy for an outsider, but greater is the ability to stand above your story to see from a birds eye view. I m only a facilitator or a boatman who is helping people bridge the river and to go from one end to the other. You did it because of the inner wisdom and the desire to mend or heal yourself. So Pat yourself on your shoulder.

The setup is like a gift, from the universe, your effort and work is being recognised and this is like a gift to tell you how far you have come.”

I told Teacher about the Ishinomaki trip about this couple who went to this badly hit village in NE japan and came back changed.

The husband quit his job and left on a trip with his wife was was suffering from depression. He gathered that no matter how much he earnt it was meaningless if his wife isnt well.

The wife was healed on the journey because she saw for herself how little she compared to the people who lost precious ones to the forces of Nature.

When they came back from their trip, the husband decided to do something he really wants, a little restaurant he always wanted and named it Ishinomaki.

They continue to visit the place and support the people there, by way of important produce from that region. I had a chance to interview this couple from my previous position and now the wife is giving me a chance to work on a video. And wanting me to go because she felt I would be the best to express this.

I told Teacher I was hesitant to go, because I dont think I want to confront myself. I told him in the process of interviewing chefs, I see my story in theirs and their story in mine.

And Teacher says, “You have all along been telling me about other people. But what about your own story? I want to hear your story.”

I was very touched.

I was thinking in me, “would anyone want to hear my story? does my story matter?”

But Teacher says, “I want to hear your story, you should be in the frame.”

I was very touched, because he acknowledged me, my time my experiences and all of the emotions the ups and downs, the mistakes and the right.

Everyone matters.

I saw a FB post on how tibetans did their sand art, “Each grain of sand is important in building a thing of great beauty.”

Teacher heard me in the heart and saw me.

I told Teacher that more and more, I am beginning to see myself. By first beginning to acknowledge my credit as an Interviewer at the end of my videos, and then wanting the crew to film me in the process of interview.

I think Ishinomaki is the right one.

He adds, “I think the timing is right. You are ready.”

 

 

 

 

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Healing XXXXix

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Mom left us in 2002.

But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.

In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.

And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.

For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.

The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.

For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.

For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.

She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.

And in my life, these themes were very strong.

These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.

So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?

Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.

When I went into the room, I found it very bright.

Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.

The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.

Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.

I needed to relax.

It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.

I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.

I was not grounded.

Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”

His reply was to the point.

“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”

Oh well, spot on.

I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.

I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.

When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.

This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.

To which teacher smiled.

“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”

Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.

i guess it is because he is so aware.

And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.

Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?

And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.

i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.

The word “Birth” called out to me.

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I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.

I totally didn’t expect this.

So teacher mentioned 2 things:

  1. The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
  2. I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.

Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.

I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.

I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.

But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.

Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.

I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.

Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.

To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”

“i said a mixture of many emotions,  anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”

She had no choice.

Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”

“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . “

I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.

Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”

I pulled the chair close and opposite me .

Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”

I went, or rather my father went, “素云,我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了,但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来,我太愚昧愚蠢。”

I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.

Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”

And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择,我错了,我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗?我请你原谅我,我对不起你。对不起这个家。”

Teacher said, “这些年来,你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦,你也不好受,我希望你能够抬起头来。”

And i did.

Teacher said, “yes. yes”

In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.

Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.

He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.

“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”

This got me v emotional.

I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.

but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,

“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你,生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”

Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.

“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”

And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.

“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. “

And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.

Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.

Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?

“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. “
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.

Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.

Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.

Its painful and we should all resolve this.

I agree.

Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.

i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”

Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.

“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”

i know what teacher is saying.

“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”

When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.

Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.

With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.

The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.

To really let it be free.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Thank you for the teachings!

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Healing XXXXvii

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心情差强人意,去找老师,如同每次那样,有新的认识,学习到新的东西。

这天搭德士,碰到上周接载我的德士司机,轻描淡写聊了几句,不关痛痒的,那种感觉不错,见到老师这么说了。然后牵扯到台湾搭德士的经历。

难忘十多年后去台北,碰到的这位德士司机,说话特别投缘,很温暖的感觉。他说,出远门一定要带着足够的冷衣,并且要照顾好自己,因为“你也是相当重要的人。”

我被这句话抓住了。

他解释说,妈妈在家里扮演的角色都很重要。绝对是家里的引擎,所以一定要好好的。

我告诉老师,在我的生命里,母亲都是家里的支柱,像是我妈妈,阿嬷,奶妈这一边,已故的姨妈。我周围的家里,都是女人当道。就是现在在我的家里,也是这样。

我说到阿嬷。

母亲过世后,阿嬷来到我们家,那时候照顾我们的起居,填补妈妈去世之后家里明显的空洞。那时候的我特别的脆弱,记得阿嬷说过这样的一句话:“什么事都当成没事那样。”

我说到这个女人的顽强和坚硬,就如那天弟弟结婚后去给阿嬷捧茶,阿嬷看到弟弟和新娘来了,一脚飞踢脚下的凳子。非常的敏锐。我说到阿嬷会担心,妹妹怎么还没有个伴。我说到小时候最难忘,阿嬷生日,大家都会在酒楼等她,想为她庆祝,但是她总是要哭哭啼啼,怨公公死的早,让她扛下来那么多的东西。她很能忍。

老师问我,是什么让阿嬷坚持下来?

我说是,孩子,第二个,就是没什选择。那个年代,她一个妇人,没有识字,却要在战后养育十个孩子。哪有什么选择?

老师同意,但补充说,没有选择,是一句很重的话,里头背负许多的伤痛和埋怨等复杂浓重的情绪。

我很同意。我说阿嬷的能忍,没有选择的那种情绪,我在我父亲身上看到许多,我也很能忍,但在我们这一代,我们看到了一些改变。至少,我现在不能忍的都会提出,也尝试在各方面寻找选择,创造选择。

老师说,其实祖辈的经历会传承下来,影响我们。那种影响力,远比我们想象的还要深。但是祖辈离开了,解脱了,最不想的是看到我们背负这一切创痛,所以somehow也会期待或有这样的一个机缘,到了某一代,会苏醒,做一点别的。

老师说,ancestral healing就是人生当中很重要的课题。一个孩子继承了双方家长家族里的血脉和能量,这些都是身上的烙印,不见得是对本身有需要或者帮助,可以从这些烙印中解脱出来,不受影响,康复自己,也等于康复祖先。

过去是可以被疗愈的。怎么康复?

就是疗愈自己。

老师介绍了土著intuitive的生活方式,要我设想一切的创痛,然后把这些吹出来,吹在纸巾上。足够了之后,象征性地用singing bowl用shaker来净化。

感觉这小小的乐器,打到了我的心坎。然后把纸巾封在信封中,要我烧掉。请求我的guardian angels还有fire spirit去净化这些承载了许久的能量。

其实仪式还是象征意义的,很感谢有这个机会,去认识这一点,去疗愈自己。有这个了解后,能够觉知其实生命中很多东西,都是承载或者是下载到我们生命当中,在每一偶觉知的情况下,我们受控、我们被操作,走回祖辈的路,这其实都是为了给我们创造突破的机会。

过去的下载,承载的内容,不见得是对我们现在最好的,最可以帮助我们的,最适用于我们的。这个简单的仪式,不外是为了提醒我们,告诉我们,要真正的觉知,保持清晰,过去不重要,不需要了,学习开创自己的风格,在生命中做自己的判断,做最是自己的自己。

谢谢老师。

 

0

Healing XXXXv

Every time I see teacher , I learn so much.

Most of all, I know that there is a lot of depth and message , a lot of fabric in the every dailiness of life that we often do not navigate, don’t know how to, or —simply don’t bother.

But if you take the time and effort, to nibble on these, life is just wonderful.

I told teacher about my recent trip to Japan, how filled it is in terms of the lessons I learned through the people I see, or don’t see.

I told him about my opportunity to film Saito and how it extended to a pottery master’s filming in Nara, and how I further stayed back to do Memories of Tsukiji.

I told him how and what happened at Shiro Tsuijimura, we went to the pottery master’s home in Nara. I told him how we sat cross legged on the wooden floor in the house he built, and how he served us lunch, how he ran out to get beer, how he chopped up beef and grilled it at the mini fireplace next to him. How he served us each thin slices dapped in in soy, how he made us matcha, all done with a smile on his face that seemed to, no, say——its okay, no matter what happens. Its a smile that is so wide and all encompassing, its a smile of acceptance of what has come and may come .

Anything also okay.

This is totally high level.

We had chatted earlier. He was a painter who found out about meditation in a temple. He stayed in a temple for a few years, then when he left, he switched paths and became interested in pottery.

He said its the process of pursuing meditation in pottery. He doesn’t see what he does as art, but the products—which we call art—are but the results of the process of mediation, that brought him peace.

And what did peace bring him?

“The realisation that one must live in the moment”

The (art) pieces that come out of the furnace, are left in nature, to receive nourishment from sun sand wind, …the whispers of nature and are allowed to mature .

Its seemed like art is finished in nature by nature, to return what is from nature to nature, a complete circle and like, whats right to.

When nature nurses it with a crack, its wonderful, when it gives the art something else, its wonderful as well.

Tsuijimura specifically says that he doesn’t want his pieces to be kept in a gallery or an art place. They just find their way in his home, everywhere. In his homestead he made out of a hill, there are about 6 to 7 workshops each housing a different art form, sometimes calligraphy, sometimes pottery, then there are pieces everywhere on the hill, on pathways, half buried in the ground. Tread somewhere and you’ll find, these tea bowls, reflecting the shigaraki

I shared with teacher, how Tsuijimura’s son turned out to be like his father. Living on another little homestead some 15min away, built his little house, has his little workshop and furnace, does his own art which seemed to be a mirror reflection of his father’s craft.

His father lives on in him, his body, his time, his life.

It brings me to how our children emulate us, and how we mirror our parents and ancestors. Life is a cycle, the children naturally become (us), because this is just what they know and they know not others.

I told teacher this has to be the best meal of my life, because of Tsuijimura’s sincerity and true heart. SO even if I didn’t know what he was talking about in Japanese, I could feel it in his spirit. There is nothing pretentious or contrived. And this is very very precious .

And teacher asked: so what does he remind you of?

I thought of the Dalai Lama, because of his smile, reminded me how the Dalai Lama smiled. But when teacher asked, I actually thought of my grandfather.

I remember sitting on grandfather and kissing him on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his chin. 5 times.

I think it must b the feeling of “being allowed” to do what I like.

I told teacher how —when I came to write about food, I begin to understand how I carried on grandfather.

Grandfather was a Tze char man who used to man a stall of his own outside Da Shi Jie, or Big World, and in those days, singers would finish their performance and eat at grandpa’s stall. There was not a lot of money in the house and a lot of kids to feed, so all his sons would have to help out at the stall. That was how all his sons came to cook better than their wives.

And teacher reminded me,” You see how similar you and your grandpa’s path is, you write and get to meet these a listers in entertainment, he cooks to meet them. Sometimes, our elders’ life can provide an inkling or provide us with a sense of direction as to the course we can chart in our time..“

I know little about grandpa ’s life, other than remembering his funeral which was a big thing then, how the daughters-in-laws would fold josspaper to burn and the sound and music of these big funeral processions would honestly still haunt me,

I just knew that he cooked v well and had signature dishes, and he smoked and could have passed on because of liver failure.

But what else?

Teacher asked?

Somehow, the idea of gambling came to mind.

Was it that?

Teacher encouraged me to find out. That would provide some hints to how our families turn out this way or provide an explanation to why I was fixated on the things that bothered me this way.

Then I told teacher about dining in J, a 3 star sushi place in Tokyo. I thought I was early as lunch is scheduled at 1230hrs, I was there at around 1215 but loitered outside the restaurant to have a look.

When we got in, it was around 1220hrs and we were told to wait, that made me curious, why do we wait?

Then one of the junior chefs came to say:” your lunch appt is at 12pm?”

I said 1230hrs. Then we were brought to sit down, what pursued didn’t give me a good feeling. J’s son who is helming the restaurant, didn’t serve me sushi all the time. He made my sushi, but left it on the chopping board, n his junior chef would then transport it to my plate. The rice was loose and every sushi had wasabi shot up the nose.

The balance was completely off.

One time, the ebi sushi had half the tail off the plate. Sushi wasn’t placed gently, it was harshly thrown on the plate.

I felt wrong, but swallowed it, thinking nothing wrong. At one point, I wanted to say, could you lower the wasabi? But I didn’t.

The sushis were finished under 30min and we were moved to another table to have honeydew, when I was halfway, I found a little hair on the honeydew.

I got a replacement, w ate, paid up and left. Outside, we met the junior chef who changed the honeydew for me, I reminded him that I’ll be coming back for my interview with J at 430pm. To which he said, there were no details of this interview, he is not aware and I should go back to the person who arranged this for me to doublecheck.

The interview is at 430pm and it is 1pm now. The interpreter is on her way and my crew needs to know too.

I finally got an answer at 4pm. That is—the restaurant is fully aware of the interview but this is but their way of rejecting me as I did not have a good experience in the restaurant.

I thought it was the honeydew but it was because I was late. And didn’t knew I was late. His son even thought that the hair on the honeydew was mine.

I thought how unprofessional this restaurant is. I m a paying customer who is late for at most 20min, but I didn’t think I deserve that treatment, interview or no interview aside.

I saw their rigidity but more so, how small their world is.

How can you treat me like that?

But teacher saw something else, he took a pillow and brought it in front of me, letting me express my anger. I beat the pillow n teacher said he saw more.

There were things related to my previous company.

He said.” How can you treat me like that? In front of my brother, you did not give me face. How dare you? Don’t you know who I m?”

He was egging me on to express my inner most thoughts.

I went on to sing this tune and let it off, I felt like slapping him and walking out of the restaurant , throwing the sushi on the floor.

But I slapped the pillow instead, the tears that came down were heavy and solemn.

I had been extremely outstanding as a child.

I was always the first few in class, when I progressed to junior college, I was the only 3 from my secondary school to go to Hwa Chong, even there I excelled.

But when times at home were bad, my morale just fell.

When I went to sph for internship, I never did expect I will get a scholarship. But when I graduated, ,one was the first batch they sent scholars to the evening papers and not ZB, where I felt I had s stronger resonance to.

I thought of the times when as a young reporter, I was always sidelined, because I wasn’t from ST or ZB. I was from Wanbao, and facing a strong veteran reporter as my counterpart.

What could I do?

When I had a chance, I did my best yet the credit was given to someone else. But life rescued me. When there was centralisation of the ops, I was the only one to head off to ZB life.

But there, I didn’t have a lot of gd time with a superior who couldn’t accept the strengths in me and always put me down.

 

Teacher was emphathetic, he could see how those experiences affected me adversely. He felt it crush me I guess, more than I felt for myself.

I told him I always felt I deserve something better, if not the best. I told him I was always the princess at home. My father loved me dearly.

I was chauffeured to school till I was 18years. My parents tried to give me the best when they could afford it. I remember my mother said that to me. My nanny gave me the best.

I deserve the best.

I asked teacher why——So why do I have to go thru this?

To which he said, “for everyone to progress on the spiritual path, he has to experience or be practised in all areas or aspects of life, it is not adequate to just be skilful in one aspect. Plus, imagine you skip all this, what is the person you will become? The princess you will be? ”

A princess built on nothing solid.

“These experiences fulfil you and show you the reality of life, things that you have to know are present.”

Whether I like it or not, choose to see it or not.

I told teacher this is my problems always chose to see things I want to see, happy things, beautiful ones, perfect ones, I find difficulty accepting the not-so-nice sides of life.

“So these experiences, like the sushi master, tell u, about reality, that there are indeed people out there, like this, who are harsh and not nice.

Look at what your experienced in Japan, you saw 2 very extreme ends of authority.  On one side, you see the pottery master, who is zen like in his quest for life, nature nursed him and he returned his affection to nature with his processes. These things touch you, they resonated with parts of you, otherwise they would have gone thru you without leaving you any. And this is the path you want to be on, this you know.”

“Look at the sushi master. He represents the other extreme end of supremacy. He uses his ego to assert his position. ”

And the question that comes to mind——what is the kind of authority I want to be in my field? In my workplace? In my family? In my life?

i told teacher this is something I m trying to work on and work with. In so far as I see, the issue of authority has popped up so many times, wanting me to assert that I m an authority.

In fact in the case of the sushi incident, I was close to spilling out my anger as my authority is confronted.

I told teacher that I have always been afraid to voice out my true opinions and tended to go with the flow. Even if I have true vision of what can be done. But I have always held back my true words, not giving myself voice.

But I m indeed making baby steps to this and trying to change, letting my thoughts air and saying what I feel to contribute opinions.

Teacher asked me what I like to do in future?

To which I said, “In the past I worked on stories hoping to bring light or a spark to others, but now I find satisfaction in events that can come to life, and establishing platforms for masters int heir own field to speak and to affect, hence creating real tangible positive change in the right direction. ”

And which quality would you think will support you in this endeavour?

I need support from the universe, my boss my colleagues and most importantly, my family, my husband.

Teacher went to get me angel cards and encouraged me to draw one.

I got “Balance”.

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I knew. Work life balance, family work balance, husband wife relationship balance, parent child balance. This is constant and v real issue in my life.

If I can find balance in almost every aspect of life, I should be able to get my vision accomplished.

I thank teacher as always, his sessions have always been downright insightful and brought me things I wouldn’t have known or thought of.

0

Thank You 2017, and, Goodbye

Has it been one year already?

The 2016 goodbye post seemed so far, far away. And with a new year coming in less than 24 hours, I feel unprepared for it.

Maybe because I have not written about my 2017.

That day in my mind spa session, I asked Mr Ng how to close the year. I felt like I was in the slur or the flurry of it all. Maybe because there were too many events, emotions ran high and I haven’t had the time to process those bits.
And being the teacher he is, he suggested looking back to recognize and acknowledge the gains and the harvests the year 2017 has brought.
“Even if there were lows, unhappiness, challenges, I see you have many fruitful gains.”
What did I do?
It all seemed so far away now. But let me try ——— counting my blessings in the tiniest way. And I want to number them too.
  1. I tried and became a salesman. It was something I never thought of, dreamt of. But I became one. Was it tough? Maybe not, was it horrible? Not as bad as I thought.
  2. I tried my hand at negotiating business deals.
  3. I learned how to write proposals.
  4. I learnt to make money in another way I was not accustomed to. And that brought lots of lessons to me, its about opening up horizons and expanding boundaries. Just this alone brought me many, one of which was to learn about humility. Its also about doing business in a upfront honest way. Its knowing your own strengths and using it too to the benefit of others.
  5. Now that I m writing about it, I understand how I have been—-I used to only think of the art the emotions and that’s all too easy. Like team mates who must have thought why I have derided, why have I drifted, I think I can safely say no. It’s not that I have drifted or crossed over to the dark side and swopped figures for art, but it’s all too easy— in fact too empty to talk about art when dollars and cents are not in the picture. Nothing moves.
  6. I understand about balance more. I think with that in mind, I can do my art better.
  7. And now, I understand why the Universe sent me this lesson. It was to let me appreciate that at the basic level and for things to work, art surely isn’t it. At least, its not the only way. It was to let me appreciate how dollars and cents could move the world. And how I could put my art in there.
  8. I brought in people and tried to build a team. There were lots of unhappiness I would say but I dealt with it to the best of my ability. Still, there are regrets. But Mr Ng suggested:”if you compare yourself to other bosses, how do you think you fare?much better than many of them right?” YES.
  9. I tried to help a colleague, in fact more than one— see the light.
  10. I have never used my stature as a boss to boss people around, in fact, I shared my experiences with them as a senior would, and I think that is my way or my style as a leader. I have always sought out the middle path and to strike out my own style, I m still on my way. But I can say, good try TPY!
  11. I did not bow down to unfair treatment.
  12. I learnt to speak up—- for myself and my teammates when needed.
  13. I had the chance to fly to shanghai for work, meet with top class producers and discuss my ideas, and these ideas touched people. I still am creative.
  14. And all these helped me assert my authority. I think the lesson to learn is to acknowledge the authority in me. It’s not about pleasing anyone. But to do what is needed and what’s right in the workplace.
  15. I had a chance to visit Hokkaido, made new friends, go to the root of the food chain and see for myself how things are done. In short, find out truth.
  16. I saw how the salmon swam upstream!
  17. I had a chance to take Hui gor tin Davina to Bangkok!
  18. I had a chance to bring the kids to a resort holiday in Phuket .
  19. I had a chance to bring the kids for staycations!
  20. I slept with my kids!
  21. I read to my kids!
  22. I had a chance to bring my family to Japan , especially gor gor and dad.
  23. We saw Mt Fuji!!!
  24. I had the chance to see the Dalai Lama in person!!!
  25. I met Khadro lah !!!!!!!
  26. I met Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche again!!!
  27. I had the chance to visit Tso Pema!!!!!!! Guru Rinpoche’s sacred place! And had my footprint and handprint on his!!!!!!!!
  28. I had the chance to fly business class back from India!
  29. I had so so so many wonderful meetings with extraordinary people—-like the King of Knives! Like the chefs!
  30. I had opportunities to do videos!
  31. I saw Mr Robuchon again and Alain Ducasse.
  32. I get a chance to realign my teeth.
  33. I did a dental implant on my own.
  34. I visited ah ma in hospital and at home.
  35. I tried to help my cousin who had skin problems.
  36. I had the chance to better myself and understand my keloids my body better because of the essential oil journeys, so much facilitated by Juan, John and Peyjin.
  37. I found a lot of grounding ease with essential oils.
  38. I got my kids into EOs and used natural healing methods on them.
  39. I got closer to eating vegetarian.
  40. I had wonderful produce nice chocolates, good food.
  41. I persevered and cooked everyday for my kids on weekdays lunch and dinner.
  42. Above all, I could breathe, I could eat and drink, sleep and do things that matter to me.
  43. I m still me, I remained me.

If 2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose, 2017 was a step further in these lessons, as situations , people, things, threw me in all directions and tested my resolve and my footing in each of the above.

I didn’t think I faltered even if there were challenging times.

I am still me.

In the new 2018 that has just birthed, I would like to:

  1. spend more time with my family, my kids, my husband
  2. spend more time with myself
  3. be more healthy
  4. heal my keloids
  5. sleep earlier
  6. do less work
  7. do more holidays with my precious ones!
  8. do 5 min of practice a day
  9. learn to be still , to be quiet
  10. get more creative, intuitive,
  11. be more in touch with myself
  12. do videos that make a difference, write or say things that would inspire, hence express my light and that of others, and be the magic to people around me.
  13. work on a tv programme!
  14. keep that wonder, that purity in me.
  15. 我想学习过得自在一点,老师说,生活其实不需要那么辛苦的,只是,很多的约定俗成和旧有模式,让我们疲惫疲累。其实,生活是可以很轻松的。我想学!

May the universe and my guardian angels support me, guide me, bless me, be with me always.

May the new beginning bring forth lots of light and clarity. Let there be true vision, stability, strength. May you find the quiet, peacefulness and freedom you need and may you find beauty, wonder and magic in the moments in between.

1

Thank you 2016, and Goodbye

2016 has been a taste or teaching of alignment, grounding, life purpose.

And following that.

it is about being open minded enough to be able to hear and touch one’s life purpose and savouring the beauty of it.

when I think of how its writing that brought me here, to do the things I have, I find it unbelievable.

like how I have expanded my repertoire to be involved with seeing concepts as well.

like so much inner work that has gone through.

2016 has about discovering myself and the limitless possibilities that can be. as if a baby flexing his limbs and has just begun to crawl.

Thank You 2016,  you have been so important as my teacher.

I tried so many new things, I left a job of 15 years, I joined a new place, I took part in a retreat, I did FB Live with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, I created Friend of Michelin concept, I worked with Nicholas Tse, I learnt about holding a process.

I learned to work with myself and new people, I learned to work with my family and my husband, I learned about balancing. And is still learning to do that better.

It has been nothing short of incredible.

I remember telling Teacher, that going forward, I want to create more videos, and do more concepts, that would create a spark, a moment of wonder, a sense of dicovery in another’s life.

May the divine guide and support me on all fronts.

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I celebrate you,  TPY, you who has triumphed the big and little, on all fronts on all counts, once and again. You who have drawn out energy from the deepest once and again. You who believed in yourself and you who didnt give up. You who tried so hard without compromise. You pure and simple. So, well done!
May the brand new 2017 bring with it lots of fresh energies, lots of inspirations, to support big and little breakthroughs. With awareness, we can break free of our old shells, attitudes and share our innermost light with the human race. May there be lots of light, beauty, magic and wonder in the days ahead. May we all be blessed and protected, with wisdom.

I want to be that light, that magic and wonder. I want to b free. may you be free.

May you be well and happy.

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Happy 2017!

 

0

Healing XXXXii

Before 2016 ends off, I went for another insightful mind spa session.

Inspired by a colleague’s words, I wanted a closure to 2016.

I shared with Teacher how this year has been and how I have been looking for a team.

I remembered that experience talking to M, CY n Cherry. All with different years of experience and each sort of a reflection of me, at a different point in time.

As if reminding me not to lose my passion n that me in work.

I talked about M, and how she stands for responsibility.

I talked about CY n I got touched.

I’ve become more aware of my emotions, I stilled myself to listen to it, I sat with the emotions n teacher asked, what is it about CY that evoked the emotion?

It’s that sense of purity, simplicity n straightforwardness.

And teacher rightly pointed this, ” Yen , u r afraid of losing that part of u. But we grow, look at how far u have come along, our soul evolves and you r set for bigger things. I can see it already.”

I told him about how I have evolved to do concept selling or a salesman of sorts n I m taking this open mindedly. And that I m always balancing commercial situations with an educational angle.

But this is one of the most commercial situations I have worked with in my life since 10-15 years back when we had a financial situation at home.

Obviously I didn’t learn all that I had to, so circumstances have evolved to get me to face issues I needed to breakthrough.

I told him about the dream I have yesterday.

Are dreams accidental?

“Nope. Dreams are messages that are important.”

In my dream, I went into a temple of tablets with2 friends. Both of them disappeared n I was left alone, breaking thru doors n doors of tablets before emerging into light n seeing my friend. She is Yiling and she squeezed my hand, as if a nod to our friendship.

Teacher asked about the most obvious quality of my friend.

I said: “she is so obstinate so so so steadfast.”

He decoded the dream for me.

That a part of myself, the obstinate character in me is in need of some attention.

And tablets – the environment, was about things that have gone past.

“Are you holding on to things that do not serve you and your life anymore? Time to let them go.”

We spoke about my attitudes towards working. Such as me being fixated with judgements on money, commercialisation n how I should b creative totally and not be commercialized.

“But there’s nothing wrong with money. Or commercializing something. If u remember the movie Matrix, you would know what I mean. Matrix is such a deep movie but the creators were able to bring the ideas down to the mass levels so that people of the commons could access the deeper ideas. And I find it so amazing that the movie could combine such lofty ideas with commercial success.”

The inspiration is to break free n not approach anything with judgements. So that I can b totally free in the mind and heart.

Teacher reminded again, “there’s nothing wrong in commercializations but the intention behind it.”

The inspiration is again, intention n what you want to do. It’s also learning to bring yourself down to the level of the masses.

Teacher also mentioned the term ancestral healing.

“A lot of times, traits we carry are an inheritance from our ancestors…”

And I shared how my maternal grandfather was often billed as stingy or how calculative he would be as a businessman n everything is reduced to cents that cannot be compromised.

And I met this match in my new environment- my boss, who is a reflection of grandfather ‘s traits.”

“Learn to work n heal this energy . That would heal your ancestors n your next generation. Learn to make a change that will make a difference .”

I realized that opening my heart n a really open attitude n awareness is what will be crucial n helpful to making a difference.

I realized also that by having balances to commercial initiatives is a way my soul is creatively addressing this issue.

Teacher encouraged me to give a little wrap — and it wasn’t easy.

“it was this ups and downs, very intense ones, and then a straight line. I m happy to be here now, with the straight line. recently I had a swollen gum and a raw throat, and I suddenly began to enjoy a simple bowl of rice porridge. I had cut down on food and animal protein this year and if I had it, it would be too much for me to take.

I m happy to be here at this point in time.

But it was as if I had done nothing, everything was surreal and, unbelievable. 不可思议。我好像什么都没有做。一切来的那么容易。Everything came naturally. I didn’t do anything, I was just a passerby. And I happened to experience it. “

The Divine had a hand in this.

But also I discovered something I did differently. In the ups and downs, I gave my presence to that moment, so when things passed, so did I. I was able to let it go easily. I didn’t hang on.

It was different from the past, when I was blocked and didn’t face up to the moments, and would have to relive those afterwards.

And teacher let out his angel cards for me.

“like how you mentioned the divine’s hand…let the divine do this too!”

and the spiritual quality I drew out was

Forgiveness.

I told him about hearing about my friend’s unhappy marital relationships and how I was reminded of my dad n mom.

Forgiveness.

The divine was spot on, it would be my learning for 2017, to learn to let go n forgive, dad n me.

“your dad didn’t have the awareness and wisdom like u have, he didn’t have the opportunity like u have. he ‘s almost acting under the influences of all he had before him. and although I do not know him, I know he did it for the family and he is feeling so so so so sorry about it”

I could feel how so so so so sorry my dad is in those moments and I told teacher that.

I asked for another card. and teacher suggested, “how about another quality that would support your finding forgiveness?”

I got Expansiveness.

Open mindedness, to distill yourself out of the environment you are in, and look at it from the outside. I m reminded of this realisation that dawned upon me as I was what sapping Xie YM.

置身其中,也要有置身其外的心情。

I also told teacher, I feel like I m looking for something, even if I have formed a core team at work.

Teacher felt that too.

I told him about the lack of support I felt in work.

To which he replied,” the real sense of support would be felt if one’s purpose is aligned to the core. Nothing very much to do with the external environment really.”

And today, miraculously, I knew what I was looking for.

IT WAS BF’S SUPPORT.

I’ve aways had this sense of worry or uncertainty about bf’s feelings towards me working.

I finally popped the qns today and we had a discussion.

I had a sense that I had some, but not total unconditional support.

good enough for the time being I guess.

I m grateful.

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Teacher reminded me about the importance of self care.

“remember to have your bowl of porridge, thats a time for you to rest n settle and to recharge so that you can have your ideas when u need.”