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Happy Birthday TPY

生日快乐陈彬雁!

朦朦胧胧懵懵懂懂之间就39了。

我想,还是幸运的幸福的,因为在此处。

这是农历生日的时候,gor gor为我煮的素面线 :)

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还有每年一次要收到的生日红包!

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这一年,长辈老了多一些。

这么多天来,皓皓沁芝因为mommy的生日而兴奋。仿佛这一天就是holiday!是大日子!每天我都会收到皓皓沁芝写给自己的小卡片和纸条。

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生日这一天早上,皓皓做了蛋糕,还唱生日歌,切蛋糕。

晚上和家人一起吃饭,daddy下班之后买了玫瑰花和蛋糕。这就是我最感动最珍惜最感恩的时候了。

餐馆有ktv,皓皓原本不要唱,结果还是高歌一曲

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生日这一天,收到朋友们的祝福,和一家人一起吃饭,这就是最快乐的事,最让人感动感恩的事。

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还有小朋友叮嘱daddy要送的花

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看着daddy下班后赶过来,带着花和蛋糕,我的心跳了一下。幸福就是这滋味。

陈彬雁,你又大一岁了。

要懂得自己。你累了,就需要慢下脚步休息。学习给自己空间和时间。学习放开。这一切都是休息,都是为了走更长的路。这一年来,你跌过,也爬起来,每一次获得的机会,就是为了让你更好。

这一年来,你学习到许多,你又成长了。

我为你感到骄傲!

生日快乐,陈彬雁,祝你健康、平安、幸福!

 

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Healing XXXXXi

The biggest lesson and inspiration gleaned from this mindspa session is:

– healing or life needn’t be painful

– it would be how you make of it

As always.

Healing can be beautiful, easy, wholesome so long as you open yourself to it.

And, many at times, we want to do a lot to help the world or others, but in fact, if you are well yourself, you are already giving your best to the world.

头隐隐作痛

胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开,整个脸发麻
在这样的情况下去见老师。
跟他说最近想不通的事还有做到的事,老师说,我还没来,他已经感觉到了。
跟老师说,老板有一个全球创意总监的任务给我,但是我一点也不起劲。而且老板对我的期望是,完成1000个video,做100万的video生意。
我直接跟老板说,我看不到这个100万。
我跟老师说,即便是现在,我已经觉得很忙碌,压力已经够大,没有这个能力,真的也不要去奢望更多。即便是现在,我已经觉得可以调整和进步的空间很大。而且找到好的人手困难。
我说,从现在这个位置已经有很多的学习。也看到很多了。我说我曾经和我的先生谈,因为进不到那样的高度,需要他的support。先生问我,为什么要做这件事?我说,那就是要改变。起到改变什么的作用。
如果真有让我向往的,就是看看自己的能力可以做到起到启发和改变。也不是说我不相信自己的能力。只是经常看到,每一个小小的改变就可以集大成造成大大的变化,我想看到的是自己所能给带来的影响。
想亲眼看看这件事。
我跟老师说,去做了身体检查,看到那个超标的CA 19.9,还有随之而来的scopes以及MRI的成果。
我跟老师说,最初是震撼还有后面来的,感到开心、如梦初醒的感觉。
我问老师,为什么细胞会改变呢?
我说我检测过 外在因素,饮食已经非常干净,用的产品也是,再来就是工作压力大,不过重点是inner peace和alignment。
老师告诉我一个例子,说明病态的思路会导致细胞变化。
我可以理解。
身体反映心。
心是怎样?身体就是怎样。
我们都是身心合一的。
我跟老师说,scopes之前,想到的一些东西。包括,还有哪些未了的事情,还没有解决好的?我想到和爸爸似乎还有些未完成的。我希望可以做到没有遗憾。我告诉老师,第一次,我想work towards a better relationship with my father.
然后不知不觉“入睡”,不知不觉,从黑暗中醒来。醒来之后,尝试回忆刚才在哪里停下。
感觉上,如获新生。
感觉上,赚到来时间,被赋予机会。
既然有了这个机会,那是不是要只要做自己最想做的事情?
我是这样想的。想这样跟老板说,今后我只想忙我想忙的,钱的不分我没有时间理会。
老实要我停一停。
闭上眼睛,感受现在。感受假如我停顿在现在。
假如我继续留在现在,心情是什么?
我说—-感觉上是还不能够让我看到最最张力的可能性。
他问,那身体呢?
我说很累。
老师说,所幸我清楚自己的可能性还有局限。
老师说,他多么希望对我说,go for it!但是他说,能力方面我没有问题,但是要注意的是健康还有家庭。
老师说,对一个男人来说,没有几个可以接收太太比较强。我没有看到这一点
老师说,我要学习work a plan帮助自己处理压力,因为是没有绝对的平衡的,但是可以有面对压力的态度,很多伟人都是为了大事业,然后牺牲家庭和健康,老师说,不希望我这样。
老师说,这一切都是看我自己怎么craft。
未来就看我自己怎么编织。
带着老师的话离开。
头隐隐作痛
胀胀的麻麻的眼睛睁不开
头、脸、耳朵发麻。
我决定用一用Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche说的,跟panic做朋友。
于是下班后,带着我的恐惧担忧还有这几天的不安,去散步。
只是轻轻的知道有这些情绪就好了。
只是知道。
偶尔有念头来,就让它来,去,来,去。
然后只是清楚的知道。
慢慢的,脸、头、耳不麻了。不抽紧了。
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche的话管用了。
老师说,前面的路不一定平稳顺畅,但这是我的test,也是我的功课。没有人说,healing一定事怎么一个样子,一定就是痛苦的,也可以是美妙的,一切就看你自己怎么去定义怎么去诠释。
然后我似乎就明白了。
即便我现在不去承接这个,以后,以后再以后,我还是得面对这些,因为这就是为了让我突破、跨越的门槛。
我需要就承接、用开放的觉知去,并且很清楚很mindful地去进行。
Om
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Introspect

These few days I have myself checking my thoughts. Too much going on in my mind.

I thought of why cells become abnormal, because that was what was found in the polyp in my colon.

It was 3mm and small and its abnormal and precancerous.

I didnt know whether I was to be happy or otherwise. I certainly was taken aback, but I was also relieved.

What did I do to bring myself here or to make cells abnormal? Questions were running in my mind—when did this happen? why or what made this happen? how fast was this happening and how much more or faster cells can change?

And most importantly, what can I do to make them normal?

After all the clean eating, clean use of products without chemicals. What exactly made cells abnormal?

It appeared to me that whilst external factors made a difference, what really made impact was the sense of inner peace or ease.

I m sure stress was a stimulus but what made the difference was how i took to stress or to things or to life.

Was I calm, grounded and centred ? No.

I began to inspect my life, my work, my family.

I remembered while I was going to be pushed in for the scope, my heart trembled a little, because I knew I had unfinished business, i had things to resolve with my father, or for that, myself.

I bore a grudge still and I wanted to have the chance to resolve it. At least, make it better.

I have no regrets about my family, i think i have devoted myself enough to my husband to my children.

As for work, I gave wholeheartedly, it brought me to many wonderful places and i had the chance to meet many wonderful people to learn from them. Work was my teacher that inspired me, and broadened my life. It gave me joy.

What i had to do was to manage work time and how it affected me when things did not go my way.

And I began to realise, once again, that it is taking responsibility for my own feelings. That is how I can not let others affect me. Real inner peace and stability comes from taking responsibility for myself.

I fell asleep not knowing when. The nurse just said, this is for the anaesthesia. And I woke up not knowing what was done.

But I felt something was.

And true enough, polyps were removed in the stomach and in the colon. I was relieved and worried all at once.

Relieved because it was polyps, and worried because there were polyps. But I felt that i earned some time, and was given some time.

The biopsy said that the polyp in the colon is abnormal but not cancerous.

I was relieved this was discovered, should I be happy?

But what did i do to bring myself here? In the last 3/4 years i had endoscopy and colonoscopy as well, and they turned out fine. All was good, so what did i do in these 2 years.

I was angry, frustrated with my husband, I was under stress for work. I was taxing myself too much.

With my knowledge and wisdom, I felt it was a part of the mental that has to be realigned, or simply straightened out.

Now that I m given time, I feel that I have to change some orders or mental pathways I had put in place and reinforced unwittingly—– to shake things up.

To create a new order or system.

That was why after the scopes, I had an urge to tell my boss, I want to devote time to doing things that matter to me. To discover people’s light and to share them. Its not chasing after money.

I had the desire and the urge to step out and change my life. To give my cells a new lease of life, to breathe and get air.

The old ways have been stifling and suffocating, suffocating both my soul and my body. It is showing up and inspiring me to change.

I give thanks for this opportunity and I want to make good use of this.

 

 

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Real Happiness

Teacher always appears when I need a boost to my mind.

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche held a dialogue with superstar Jet Li and they exchanged thoughts about calming the mind and how to do so.

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The following are the gist of the talk.

What are the benefits of meditation ?

  • neutoplasticity neuropathy of mind
  • Mind become pliable workable 
  • Most problems come Fr mind
  • Learn technique to free yourself = scientists say meditation 

Essence of Meditation = awareness , knowing 

Awareness is always with us—Iike sky always there n pure n calm

We have thought n emotion like cloud, stress panic worry like storm like cloud

Cloudless is openness

-Sound Meditation: ear hears sound n mind knows sound, awareness. When u listen to sound there may be thoughts. If you don’t forget the sound, any thought comes is ok

-Open awareness: 2 steps. 1) learn to relax When you heave a sign of relief, after jogging cooking exam washing etc. After letting go of breath rest a few sec. 2) open awareness M. How to b awareness itself . With space itself . 

Non meditation is best meditation 

Not meditating but not lost

Awareness n there’s no grasping 

Jet Li says that he has been studying Buddhism for 21years. He was 34 in 1997.

“I was told to Study work hard n u b successful, I worked really hard 

I thought with reputation fame power love wealth I would have solved all the problems 

But when I have these I m still unhappy. I had anxiety. In 1997 there was the Asian financial crisis, I saw a lot of pple who were more successful than me multi millionaires being unhappy or suffering. So what can we do to b free fr suffering, they have all they need in life!

At that time I read a book. So 2500 years ago shakyamuni has fame power love wealth 

Yet this prince said he is suffering he couldn’t solve old age sickness death, I found this interesting , up till today no one emulated Shakyamuni. After six years he found a solution—-he says, ‘I no longer want to fight n work so hard for fame wealth power’.

I began to understand after studying Buddhism all these years, that

  • in this world if there’s anything that is made up of one element, it will come apart. We call this impermanence 
  • We have emotions, n often it will b a cause of suffering 
  • Cause and effect
  • Birth reincarnation samsara nirvana 
  • I study so hard because this is the most important thing
  • In life what u have is temporary possession, there will b one day you let it go
  • Compassion wisdom
  • If u truly want smtg, u will find the time for it”

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche says, there are 3 levels of Meditation

  • Meditation for this life: don’t need religion, it helps u attain peace calm
  • Accumulate quality of Meditation: essence of Buddhism for transformation 
  • Result of Meditation

He spoke about this overcoming panic attack with Meditation, and the way to do it was to make friends with laziness n panic-and how you ask?

“V easy. Watch lazy . Be aware of lazy. Then that becomes your support for meditation, if u see river u r out of river. River continues but u r not in it.

Whatever thought let them come, so long as you r aware.”

He pointed out the importance of Motivation of meditation- for all beings.

He also pointed out this important point on what it means to be letting go,

“Letting go is not giving up. Letting go means following the flow of nature n respecting that. Like open awareness u r not doing anything in particular, but you are not giving up awareness.

In our life, insight comes when you let go.

If we look for happiness based on outside or external circumstances, it won’t b lasting

Real happiness need to developed from inside.” 

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每一分都是花红

前阵子腹胀难耐,去看医生时说了以前CA19.9超出水平。最后一次检验是两年前离开报馆前。指数从之前的高分落到41,比起正常的<38多出3点。

最近一次检验是72。

医生要我去照胃照肠,确保一切正常无误。

到最后找回了以前的专科医生Dr Gwee。见面时他依旧是那样的温柔有礼:“那天我想起你了。”

我说你想我干嘛?你想我我就得来了。

说了最近的不适,医生问我,觉得为什么肠胃会那么不舒服?

我说是冷,还有饿。

最后决定,去照MRI,看清楚腹部里面的一切,并且去做照胃照肠的程序。

自己一个人去做这件事。

想起上一次,告诉自己,要借着这个机会,突破以往。不要重复了。一个人在等待程序时,难免紧张,心生害怕。

我告诉自己,这些害怕都是以前累积的吧,以前面对窘迫的情况时的害怕————我一向以来最熟悉的心理反映。

这次跳出来。

我不需要它。我感谢它。

在这样一个时候,自然会想起心还没有放下的东西,还在挂碍的东西,那就是我和父亲。我们还没有好好的整理之前的“情况”呢。

在这样的时候,一切的执着显得那么的微不足道。我觉得自己好愚昧无知。

这么多年来,因为无知,因为执着,绑住了爸爸,更糟的是————我一直绑住自己,都没有让自己自由和呼吸。

那一刻我说我要原谅爸爸,原谅自己。

放下一切的执着。

然后想起一路护持的诸佛菩萨,一一念请,与我同在,保佑加持疗愈,让我平安,成绩正常。

然后睡着了。

醒来之后小休,再去做MRI。

想起Mingyur Rinpoche说,他也曾经做过类似的实验,目的是让科学家去检验禅修对于他的生命所带来的种种好处。

我被推进MRI的检测器里,心想,人生最后要面对的,好像也是这样。

过程是一个人。

一个人和自己的一生,和自己一生经验的一切。

然后专心练习禅修,专心听医护人员的指示。然后是等待成绩。

医生说,MRI显示一切正常,只是背部的左边里,有一些cyst,在胃里取出几个polyp,在肠子里取出一个polyp。送去检验后,显示这些正常,只是有点gastric的情况。大肠里头的polyp,有点超出正常。所幸没有什么大碍。医生建议,2年之后再去照胃照肠。

走出诊疗所,大大吸了一口气。偷来的。恩赐的。

馈赠。

感谢这个机会。

前一天参拜,告知菩萨,工作上最近有个全球总监的机会,请菩萨给予指示。我不知道要如何看待这个机会或机缘。

想起最初,想做一个故事人的企图心,想把厨师内心的故事和光,勾引出来。温热大家。

让世界更温暖更光亮。

有了这个机会,就要全力以赴去做这一件事,把光和热,找出来,带出来,这就是Speak Myself,这就是我的name,这就是我的mission。

我需要这个机会。

我好像也还没有好好消化这件事。只是刚才在厨房看着夕阳,再一次感受到————每一分都是花红。每一分都是馈赠。都是恩赐。

因此每一分,都要做心里的事,说心里的话,这才能充分把握。

也告诉自己,要保持觉知和觉察的能力,要努力保持身体健康还有家人的健康,为自己也为他们努力。既然把握到从这里离开,不要再给自己机会回来。

Om。

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5 yrs 8 mths

没想到就在自己结婚十周年的晚上,皓皓跟沁芝吵架,daddy大发雷霆。我的十周年结婚纪念就这样。

孩子长大了,有自己的想法了。皓皓原本和daddy在躺躺,沁芝进来,我准备去冲凉,然后就听到daddy嚷嚷,要把皓皓拉出外,沁芝从床上拉下来。

我进来制止。

沁芝说,说好了每人用一天mommy的枕头,结果沁芝昨天让给皓皓,皓皓今天又返=反悔。沁芝说,明天她就去房间睡,不跟皓皓好了。

我尝试打圆场,期间daddy进来几次,都是骂人,把枕头丢出去,丢在大门前。又要把皓皓抱出去。

结果闹了一轮,还是我来收尾。

这就是妈妈的工作吗?

妈妈就做这种事?为了这些事烦恼伤身劳累?

我跟皓皓说,姐姐一直让你,是因为爱你。甚至比mommy更爱你,皓皓呢?可以以相同的方式爱姐姐吗?

说动皓皓,去给姐姐道歉,皓皓哽咽跟着我念:“姐姐,i m sorry, i know you let me have the pillows because you love me, but i hurt you”

沁芝听了大哭,皓皓也边说边哭。

问沁芝,可以原谅皓皓吗?她摇头。

鼓励沁芝说出心里话——是不是因为你已经原谅弟弟很多次了?沁芝点头。

“i have given him many chances”

Mommy 尝试劝架。

是不是吵架了就要成为敌人了?翻脸不认人了?

告诉沁芝皓皓,吵架是常常会有的事,daddy 和mommy吵,沁芝和皓皓,或者mommy和皓皓,mommy和沁芝。

那是不是我们就不要对方了?不是的。

我们要从中学习,也给对方和自己学习,学习去原谅别人,学习去说对不起。学习重新面对自己,还有深爱的人。

就是这样,一点一滴,在吵架中学习。

帮沁芝说话:“说出刚刚你想对皓皓说的话!是不是,我很生气你,我不要爱你了,你让我很受伤!你不爱我!”

沁芝说是,点点头。

鼓励他们两个,说两个都有不应该的地方,但是要从中学习,再让皓皓道歉,沁芝心软了。大家和好。

只是,打开门让他们知道,枕头都被丢在门口时,皓皓大哭了起来。他很难过,因为这是他每晚睡觉时的陪伴。

话说回来,两个都是爱对方的孩子,只是有时候难免会杠上。互不相让。

亲爱的,你是男生,要懂得礼让,更要懂得照顾沁芝宝贝,她是我的宝贝number 1,一定要照顾沁芝。

这是最近一次去公公家住的照片。两个小瓜很享受,阿姨还准备了eggs and toast!

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隔天,舅舅舅妈带小宝贝们去动物园。

皓皓去游乐场玩,总是这样红着脸回来,超可爱。

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有一回,mommy去接皓皓下课,然后我们就到Great World City吃午餐,也让皓皓玩一玩,做点和平常不太一样的事

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皓皓这个时候开始懂得更多字了。

问的问题也很多,比如:when there are no dinosaurs, where did the dust come from? Is that the Dark Ages?

Mommy真的要去google一下才行。

宝贝,一定要继续发问,求知识。最近的早上,送完姐姐上校车,就会和皓皓手牵手,一起在家楼下运动。

偶然皓皓抬头看天,看到飞机飞过,一架在一架。

灵机一动,告诉皓皓要换个角度看世界,那就能居高临下,也可以从低望高,看到不一样的风景,然后这件事好像就是为了自己的学习而来。

怎样都好,希望沁芝皓皓健康平安。

相亲相爱,像是这样。

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9 Years 7 Months

亲爱的沁芝 你看你,已经婷婷玉立的小姑娘了。 怎么时间去了那么多了? 你好像才刚刚出生。不是吗? IMG_0746 这一天,沁芝怀皓去外公家住。 4db703a2-a53c-4b04-a445-cdeb00e9ccf4 谁在阿姨的床上,也就是mummy以前结婚前睡的。 1f3cbd78-ef80-4a24-aa21-afa0ae44c05f隔天早上有阿姨弄早餐4d663f87-f984-49ea-af23-f368b0764abb4847651a-a17d-4a4e-b618-242309eec99b54616634-ddc2-4d62-80b4-b66fdaec95e2eab3018e-32af-452b-b785-f4a87f61ab3c然后庚延舅舅和舅妈带你们到动物园玩 0ca08851-d6c5-40ef-82c9-c78d5da75a8f25b1447a-6814-46ac-b2fc-14c87766f784 这个时候的沁芝,很爱写字条,虽然有点凌乱,但看得出她可爱顽皮IMG_1712
跟沁芝宝贝说,考试要到了,努力及格,可以顺利升学就好。只是想沁芝不用压力太大,开开心心,健健康康。Love you darling! Mommy结婚十周年的晚上,我们一家开开心心去吃御宝,没想到回来皓皓跟沁芝吵架,daddy大发雷霆。我的十周年结婚纪念就这样。 孩子长大了,有自己的想法了。皓皓原本和daddy在躺躺,沁芝进来,我准备去冲凉,然后就听到daddy嚷嚷,要把皓皓拉出外,沁芝从床上拉下来。 我进来制止。 沁芝说,说好了每人用一天mommy的枕头,结果沁芝昨天让给皓皓,皓皓今天又返=反悔。沁芝说,明天她就去房间睡,不跟皓皓好了。 我尝试打圆场,期间daddy进来几次,都是骂人,把枕头丢出去,丢在大门前。又要把皓皓抱出去。 结果闹了一轮,还是我来收尾。 这就是妈妈的工作吗? 妈妈就做这种事?为了这些事烦恼伤身劳累? 我跟皓皓说,姐姐一直让你,是因为爱你。甚至比mommy更爱你,皓皓呢?可以以相同的方式爱姐姐吗? 说动皓皓,去给姐姐道歉,皓皓哽咽跟着我念:“姐姐,i m sorry, i know you let me have the pillows because you love me, but i hurt you” 沁芝听了大哭,皓皓也边说边哭。 问沁芝,可以原谅皓皓吗?她摇头。 鼓励沁芝说出心里话——是不是因为你已经原谅弟弟很多次了?沁芝点头。 “i have given him many chances” Mommy 尝试劝架。 是不是吵架了就要成为敌人了?翻脸不认人了? 告诉沁芝皓皓,吵架是常常会有的事,daddy 和mommy吵,沁芝和皓皓,或者mommy和皓皓,mommy和沁芝。 那是不是我们就不要对方了?不是的。 我们要从中学习,也给对方和自己学习,学习去原谅别人,学习去说对不起。学习重新面对自己,还有深爱的人。 就是这样,一点一滴,在吵架中学习。 帮沁芝说话:“说出刚刚你想对皓皓说的话!是不是,我很生气你,我不要爱你了,你让我很受伤!你不爱我!” 沁芝说是,点点头。 鼓励他们两个,说两个都有不应该的地方,但是要从中学习,再让皓皓道歉,沁芝心软了。大家和好。 只是,打开门让他们知道,枕头都被丢在门口时,皓皓大哭了起来。他很难过,因为这是他每晚睡觉时的陪伴。 话说回来,两个都是爱对方的孩子,只是有时候难免会杠上。互不相让。 跟皓皓说—你是男生,要懂得礼让,更要懂得照顾沁芝宝贝,她是我的宝贝number 1,一定要照顾沁芝。 怎么都好,希望两人健健康康平平安安,开开心心,和和气气。