0

Healing XXXXXiii

I told teacher I didn’t really know how to continue, coming back from Ishinomaki. I said i was like shaken, and I just couldn’t find a footing.

I felt like —-i needed to sort out or process my thoughts. They were all jumbled up. Why could kids still attend school a few days after tsunami? Why does an old man want to keep a staircase his wife grabbed before she died at home? Why does he not drink alcohol anymore? Does he need to be this sober? My intrusion into Ishinomaki and this place’s intrusion into my life, disturbed me greatly. For what—–what?Is the meaning of life?

I told teacher about my life in the past 2 weeks. I was in Ishinomaki seeing how people picked up their lives, 7 years after the tsunami, there were new roads and buildings, but there was also old buildings that collapsed and still lie collapsed in the way. I saw people smiling like the tsunami has not happened. But I also saw people trying to deal with deep seated grief singing their hearts out in church. Then I went for Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s retreat, who shared about how each of us had accumulated and lived out of imprints in our life, looking out at life with these lenses and not getting an accurate picture out of our lives because we were forever continuing with our imprints and reinforcing them. Then I had the opportunity to get my seat in business class and flew to HK with a good class hotel and enjoyed luxuries and food that is top notch, rubbing shoulders with executives of the business world. And I came back totally in a state of blur.

I told teacher also about my boss who shared a story about how his plane found itself in a technical glitch and he thought he was going to die. He in turn shared about a young lady who made a decision and lost her life. I asked him what he gleaned out of this sudden experience? And he said, 看开一点. Or allow things to go if you can. In life, a decision can lead you the other way. We had a little chat about the meaning of life. And he said he was going to bring his wife for a holiday. How lovely I thought, this realisation. THIS UPLIFT OR ELEVATION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. When he said , 看开一点,i really felt clouds emptying out a middle spacious pathway. Like it lessened my load too.

Teacher shares that everyone’s consciousness is not static and will change with times. He says that with the stories i shared all this while, there seem to be a commonality, and it is the suddenness and abrupt change which instigated a switch in people’s modes or thinking or system. He asks, “do you realise that in the stories you shared? the people you interviewed, they experienced a seismic change in their life after a particular event?”

And yes. Like the couple who took me to Ishinomaki, the wife recovered from depression and the husband quit his job afterwards. Like Alain Passard, who decided to switch completely to plant based cuisine after having managed—like he said, the corpses of animals.  

I told teacher I was sort of envious about their decided decisions, they make a switch and turn in their lives and all for the better it seemed. They lived in tandem with their innate rhythms and did what their inner wisdom or soul would like. But teacher reminded me that I had done this too.

“Try and recall, when you had a seismic change in your life. What was the decision you made? What did you do? Actually you, like them made a decision too, its just that you magnified their decisions but actually its a decision they made in their lives and you have too.

I came to the understanding pretty quickly. Yes I did, i made the decision when my mother passed away, in such a quick instant it went unnoticed, but make a decision i did.

And that was—to toughen up. Teacher asked me why? I said it was to deal with life. It seemed like at that moment, I had to grow up and toughen up to handle life.

But now, I understand that I need not be that tough one, I can be my own in life.

“Yes…yes…”

And this made me understand why I love my work so much. Like what Passard said of loving to cook, he said it was because cooking brought him to be more in tune with his senses. 

And that was what my job and practice has brought me all these years, to be touched by the people i met, the thing they said, the food i ate, the things i saw. These all let me get in touch with my deeper self, they came at my senses and shook them back to life, melted away the tough outer shells and got me in.

Now I understand why I love what I do. Because they break down this outer shell which I had unwittingly put on in an instant when mom passed away. But my practice and work breaks down these walls, and showed me myself without these walls. I love the me this way. I do.

Teacher reminds me, “the people who came into your life the way they did, are like a reflection to show you, to tell you something and a message. Once you hear and take heed, they might not appear in your life the way they did anymore.”

I spoke about Ishinomaki. I told Teacher I didnt know how to make sense of it all. Was I numb to this? I seemed to be there and not there, i seemed to feel things and not. Was I blocking this out?

But Teacher could sense something more.

Gentle as always, he says that I have, tapped onto the feelings of fear people there have when they experienced the tsunami.

He asked me to first connect myself to Mother Earth, feel that I m standing on the ground before he sought to help me process the emotions I have tapped into.

“Imagine you are now in Ishinomaki, how do you feel?” 

I said i felt fear. 

“Where is the feeling of fear in your body?”

My legs I said. I felt my legs feel light and without support. I felt a sense of rising fiery feeling. I sort of could sense people running escaping fearing for their lives in fear.

Teacher saw my brows knit together and asked if i had anything to said. I shared this with him and as I felt this, i felt what my father must have felt when he decided to flee.

And i told teacher, that i have experienced this fearful way of running for one’s life too. That was when we run away from our home and looked for shelter at Auntie’s. Even if we lived in the block of flats, we ran away from ours. And walking back to our block, we had to be careful to hide ourselves and be watchful. To lower our heads to walk.

“And how does this feel? Were you angry?”

I said i didnt understand why i had to hide, why i had to live this way for something I never did. To be in shame. There was alot of perturb and alot more things I couldnt understand. Did Dad had to run away? It was abrupt, everything was sort of well, mom covered up everything and shouldered everything. Until one fine evening, they called us into the room to announce dad is going away. I couldnt understand this. Teacher ask if there was any point in time that I could refute the decision? And I said no, we just had to take it. Teacher explained that Mom shouldered everything, and hid it in her, deep deep down in a bid to protect us. She kept quiet and it tore her life her soul, but that was her way of protecting us. 

I am different. I preferred to speak out the depths of my soul and to bare myself if i need. But I could understand the decision mother made, not the best, but probably the best she could afford and fathom there and then in that situation. And it was for us. I said i appreciated my mom for that. But I m different, i m ready to let the children know that as parents we have times when we dont see face to face, that is okay, just that I wanted my husband to be mindful of his speech when he is unhappy so as not to hurt our children.

Teacher understood this all. “So when it came to you, you exploded. So its an imprint on you, what your mother chose. You carry that energetically and you seek to breakthrough.”

I told Teacher i wrote to dad the night before he left, the content was something like, running away isnt the end but is in fact the beginning. 

“And what were you trying to say to your dad? What was your intention of saying this?”

I said it was to tell him no matter where he ran, family is where we are and he would have to come back someday, sometime for us and to settle his case and his issues. 

I told teacher about the lack, because I had shone all along, i was performing all along up to or even beyond Mom’s expectations of me. But that period was dark and broken, it was a period in my life that I didnt really want to look back on.

And this is exactly what Ishinomaki did to me. It brought me back no matter how much I didnt want it. But my soul wanted it, and the universe planned for this chance for me to be there.

Teacher said, “This probably really is a time that gave you so much pain you didnt want to go back. You had the reactions, being slightly detached when you are there, because its too painful to go into then.”

I said yes. I surely don’t want to be reminded of that past. I was so so broken. But looking back, it has been such a journey, this building of my self back, this healing journey, piecing together the life, the memories, the pain and the beautiful. I told teacher about seeing weeds coming out of the spaces in the kerbsides. And that gave me alot of strength. That is me, finding a way to weave my way out. And this really is me, the way I show up. I told Teacher this is also the streak my boss has in him that I can identify and follow.

Teacher asks, “Imagine, touch wood, that this is the last day of your life. What would be the things that you really want to do? I thought of going back to my family, then teacher pushed on, “Imagine its the last 15 minutes of your life….” I thought about my daughter and my father and the unresolved issues. But they dont seem as important anymore. I told teacher, that if in the past, I felt it was difficult to forgive him. Now i find it easier and I m willing. It seemed that those werent as important anymore. I could understand why he run away. And the feeling is, it doesnt really matter anymore.

It seemed like i have loosened up a wee bit. And I felt better and more at ease with myself having arrived here.

I spoke about my daughter and my expectations of her, and reacting to her from my imprints. And teacher asks, “and you feel guilty?”

Yes i said. 

“Did you do these consciously or when you were not mindful?” I said it was mostly unconscious effort when i interacted with qinzhi. i have been passing down what I knew, what I have been taught or expected of me to my girl. I havent really been reacting to her from a basal point of no imprints. To which teacher said, “and so, no need to feel bad, you did not do that on purpose. But you see, you passed on the imprints, and it rests on her to resolve this.”

Just like how I m trying to resolve issues my mother has faced.

Teacher says, “and i know you do not want to pass on imprints or let the next generation suffer like you.”

We discussed the meaning of life. I didnt really have an answer. I told teacher, i was extremely touched during the Tsoknyi Rinpoche retreat, because of his presence. I thought what was really touching was when Rinpoche said, live a healthy, happy and meaningful life. But what is meaningful life? Its so difficult to answer. And during the refuge taking ceremony. I thought how nice! How blessed! to be able to find shelter find beliefs find guidance hope and light when one needs? I feel also v blessed to have the opportunity to listen to these teachings and to be here and to have shelter deep inside.

Teacher says, “The meaning of refuge actually is the way home, a place for you to go to. Your soul picked to be borne in this land, in this family to meet these people you have, because you soul wanted it. You have a purpose or something you wanted in this lifetime. Thats why you are here. When we did that little experiment, about living the last day of your life, you didnt talk about achievements, you talked about resolving issues close to heart. Achieving this sense of inner freedom and ease. For you,  the meaning of life is to heal yourself and to release yourself from imprints, i know you dont want to carry this over to the next generation. This is what you are here for.”

i told teacher i couldnt really enjoy or soak up the luxuries that were sent to me, i took it more for the personal space it gave me, a bit of grace to myself to be with myself. But for that, luxury has no deeper impact or meaning to me. But i had these thoughts on the plane

在商务舱看着蓝天白云,思绪起伏。
总是喜欢靠窗的位置,可以看到外面的蓝天。但是商务舱、有自己的空间的商务车,让我离开窗口远一点。

突然有点不知所措。或者说,不知道怎么continue。

生而为人究竟是怎么一回事。我都搞不懂了。
有迎接、拥有人生、幸福的喜悦
有老病死的担忧恐惧慌乱无助
如果有一个镜头在我面前,可能一会失笑一回哭泣

体验和经历的当下
是不是应该怀抱开阔雍容巨大的心?会不会有帮助?

我好像还有很多什么悬而未决没有彻底解决突破放低
但好像这些都不重要了

以前如何如何。重要的是眼前。未来。

Advertisements
0

5 yrs 10 mths

亲爱的怀皓

Mommy终于带你和姐姐去看了看mommy的工作,或是,mommy工作的样子。这一天,是去看米其林三星大厨Alain Passard的访问。这是mommy工作那么久,梦寐以求的访问机会。你就这么轻易的和姐姐来了。

你看到了什么?还记得什么了?

热忱?情感?对生命的热爱?最近上了Tsoknyi Rinpoche的课,于是知道举凡走过必定留痕。所以mommy很确定,在未来的日子里,你应该也可以从这当中取获什么。

这是皓皓学校一年一度的concert,看皓皓的表演。好快明年皓皓就K2了。

皓皓和姐姐在家里,有时玩在一起很开心,有时又会打起来。mommy看到两个小朋友,生气的时候,吵架碰撞,就像大人吵架的火一样在烧。不然,就很亲呢的样子。

Mommy生日,皓皓沁芝开心极了,就是喜欢做卡片纸条,说爱mommy。里头还有小礼物!

皓皓最近喜欢写书。这就是皓皓的故事,反映了他和daddy的交流。去学校见老师的时候,老师说皓皓还写了一个“蔬菜宝宝爱看电视”的小故事,真可爱。

老师对皓皓的评语 :)还有皓皓在学校做Show & Tell的样子。皓皓特别喜欢这个项目,总会问mo mmy,哪一天是show & tell?然后会准备小东西去分享。老师说,“你看,怀皓那么的自信?结束前还会问同学们–有没有问题?”

这是2018年上学的最后一天,学校开party,主题是Disney,但是我们没有相关的衣服。告诉皓皓,不如我们画一双翅膀插上去?!结果皓皓画了米奇老鼠。在mommy眼里,这是比起米奇老鼠还要可爱的!

这就是皓皓在学校写的书。老师说,spelling错了不要紧。重点是鼓励孩子学习拼音,学习尝试inventive spelling

老师让同学看了Eric Carle的这本书后,让同学们创作。皓皓写说:“Go to a Pool, Go to a House, Go to a pool again, Go to the moon, Climb on to a robot. This is what you you will find. ”

一部车子。

这是皓皓的另一些作品,左手边是看到姐姐穿上My Melody的衣服启发的,后面的是好可爱的、有剑的小动物。

亲爱的宝贝,这个时候的你已经在跟mommy说宇宙、陨石、太空,非常热爱阅读,非常的聪明伶俐。

亲爱的宝贝,只是你最近眼睛一直红红痒痒的,想说,皓皓要懂得照顾自己的身体。否则mommy就会很难过。因为你就是我身上的一块肉。

0

Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s Teachings

看到仁波切

有一种心门打开微微打开的温暖

那是一种怎样的力量?

可以打开别人的心门?

可能有时候我也是这样吧

温暖的感觉好好

温柔暖心

怎么保持这样柔软温暖的心

我感激,此时可以在这里听课,这是多么好宝贵的机会!

但愿在这里,获得休息,解放自己现在过去,获得疗愈获得引导获得灵感获得开启获得加持。

Rinpoche teachings make me feel like there’s a lot I can do to my own practice or life 

There’s a way out to make it better

He’s pointed a way out— go a little bit with the suffering , open up and feel it n be with it

There’s a way out, there’s something we can do

Day 2

We started with the practice of “dropping” and “handshake” with issues at heart 

I felt that I want to work on brokenness 

At Ishinomaki at Nozomi project, Sue wanted to give me a pendant but I didn’t really want it

“It’s okay”, I said.

But it’s not.

There’s brokenness in me n that I didn’t want to address

There’s brokenness in me that I didn’t want to come face to face with or embrace

Why? I asked. In this session of mindfulness practice.

Because it’s a period of time which was a lack n imperfect I felt it was beneath me, me who excelled and is perfect in all ways.

Me who was trying to rise up to the social strata n is set back 

There’s a sense of shame that that part of my life was anything but perfect

It pulled me down that period of lack 

There’s anger n frustration in there. A lot of pride and ego as well

I didn’t want to talk about it or bring it up. I want it to go away. And erase it get it out of my life

But go away it did not

It pops up every now and then, time and again when I see something or speak to someone or touch someone else’s brokenness 

And I press it down

How should I go about this to transform this?

I thought about lack too

Why do I have problems giving to people even if I m able to?

Because I m reminded of a state when I was in my lack— a period of lack in my life that I m still living in n out of even if I m not now 

But that period was an impactful one , leaving me a v strong imprint

I do not lack anything now n I need to release myself from it.

In fact I have been factually speaking and saying so, but energetically feelings wise I haven’t come out of it

For once I wanted to meet with it.

Come face to face with it

And try to understand both cognitively n emotionally that which went thru my mind n my body n my heart

It’s been tough for me n I took it all down n made it well on the surface 

But deep down I know there’s a road to healing

And I m walking on it now 

Slowly but surely 

But now that I write, HOW SILLY! To live with a judgment I set and unwittingly got sucked into and suffered for. All this while.

On day 3 I understand or come to realize that we have to start to feel to get in touch with our self n our heart.

We have been thinking too much n now is the time to bring about a better balance in our life by feeling. I remember Alain Passard telling me, how he loved cuisine art because it got him in touch with his senses.

It brought him closer to himself.

I think the practice of life is such, bringing ourselves back to our intuitive nature, and unlearning concepts, practices, habits to return to our carefree boundless nature.

There can be many solutions to be arrived at just by being aware by just feeling.

Thinking can solve some problems and awareness more. 

There was time devoted to taking refuge and the Taking refuge part is amazing

It feels really warm n enveloped or hugged in the heart area

Feels loved 

Grateful for refuge, like an inner secure home you can always come to. Consolidated the teachings proper down here:

Teachings

Day 1

Subtle body

Betw cognitive mind n physical body Theres a world of feelings 

Gd understandings if physical body n cognitive mind

But Subtle body understanding is not mature

Keep this subtle body healthy n it has impact on our consciousness n physical body to achieve gd well being

Many times we say I know but I don’t feel it

I know I m ok but don’t feel like it 

We think we should b happy but don’t feel happiness 

So there’s some blockage in the subtle body

Most times you know but don’t feel this way

Too serious will block joy

Serious only to function

Too serious get uptight not gd for subtle body

On outside function well n

Find humor internally 

——->Balance 

加油陈彬雁

Mantra I created- simple inside complex outside 

Learn to handle complex world with simplicity on the inside

Relax but open 

Complex because external conditions of modern life is quite complex

Simple- because we have to find or connect with our birth right , unconditional well being, unconditional happiness 

Keep this n cope with complexity of modern life

Feel for it

Only thru feeling we will transform our happiness 

We have 2 types of habits

-Cognitive based habit

-Emotional or subtle body based habit

Emotional habits—-if we want to transform we go thru a special feeling to heal that feeling 

In the subtle body, cognitive understanding cannot help transform 

Mind understands but not enough to transform or heal 

Simple inside, complex outside 

World getting better but with it comes worry 

How do u handle this? 

What’s the right amount to worry 

Simple inside = we r born with natural spark or essence love, unconditional stuff

we are born with our existence

This is important to shift some belief n understanding because we r used to looking for conditions 

Happiness is not only outside or inside it’s a combination 

It’s not smtg u can pinpoint 

Eg how much strength do u use to hold this paper?

Right amount of grasp easy to see on the paper 

When it’s in u, how’ve you holding your life?

You living life too loose or too tight?

How do u know? Do u know?

Feel your seriousness?

What is to relax?

Think about this?

Slow down? Slow down what? 

Work slow eat slow?

Which part u relaxing? Action or mind?

Relax – is soft loose warm 

Have u located it?

Where is it?

When I ask u to relax some of u look like u r gg somewhere. If that’s the case u can’t work n can’t deal with the complexity . If use this way, both can’t exist at same time

Have to b practical

Teaching of Buddha need to b applied to n  arrive at change in life n become better n happier 

If u have quarrel with partners, can u keep some calmness n deal with complexity of the emotion

This is important coz we go into black n white

We lost the beautiful dance with life

I want u to relax this subtle body

relax the feeling world not the physical world 

Eg walk here to there fast but relaxed 

If don’t relax subtle body tension build up

There will b blockages

There’s a Qi connected with speediness

You get Anxious

Think fast action fast but feel relaxed

Connect with relax first 

relax but alert so u can carry on with everyday life

Relaxed n engaged

Eg u need to go to a place but still have 3 days but u r speeding up n already going 

—->That not relaxed or being speedy . Y do u worry?

Can u relax n not b worry ?

That speediness is part of the subtle body

Mind knows 3 more days n says relax 

How to turn down the speediness 

Every time we r tired n exhausted it’s not our mind or physical body but the restlessness that is in our subtle body

3 parts:

-Cognitive based Mind

-Feeling based emotion Subtle world

-Body

Eg cleaning

Body is doing work

Mind already know what to do but body needs time to do

Feeling – so faster n faster quickly finish

Do u feel this

There’s work u don’t like but u have to do 

That’s y u want to do faster to finish 

So what do u do? Not to clean or with that job or change mind?

U think one way n feel another 

Conflict between mind n feeling 

Sometimes both go same Direction

Positive thought —-give positive feeling gd

But sometimes this doesn’t happen 

It depends on connection between mind n feeling

Modern lifestyle broke the connection because too many things outside. You get sucked in n lost the inside world 

Stress comes because the emotions in subtle body is pushing body to do fast 

This restless feeling in subtle body 

subtle body is made up of prana nadi bindu 

Have to feel! Not just understanding 

This click is important 

!!!!!Dropping exercise!!!!!

Some things u can let it go let it drop

Say Extra worry tensions or baggage 

We have these because we forgot to delete n it’s become junk

Why we care more than we need?

This extra caring is a burden

This burden will block authentic care

Have to let it go 

Practise dropping 

Involves mind feeling body

Dropping means delete ok let it go

——Always input nvr delete 

When u drop u get freedom 

Most of times u want too many  because of craving attachment… u hold everything in n don’t delete 

Shake hands

Let go of breath 

N mind- says who cares?so what ?

Whatever happens happens whatever doesn’t doesn’t 

Too much hope n fear no gd

at the end let out big breath n open up your palms on leg

Stay there in the free open relaxed 

Be in the now

U need this many times in daily life

Drop n relax

After a while don’t even need the shaking hands action

Now What r you dropping?

Worry? Fear?

What is your baggage? Try to understand that

Simple practice for mind body feeling 

When we care more than we need extra care become problem 

When u become healthy u make other pple healthy n happy 

Happy doesn’t mean things r perfect

Even if things not working perfectly you know how to sort or handle 

Be kind to yourself and others

Subtle body teaching teaches balance n is about healthy human beings

Stillness w/o movement 

Stillness with movement

Every thought has some feelings

When we make decisions, there’s some feeling in there

Every thought has a teabag

We need awareness to recognize feeling of body, emotion or mind

Sometimes decisions are made based on habits , this involves feelings 

In fact many times we decide based on our imprints

Eg u go to hotel there r 2 beds, one near wall the other in middle 

Which would u choose

Who is making the decision

The mind? Body?

The imprint is mostly making the decision 

Imprint is the chop in the nadi, one of the 3 in the subtle body

Coz our habits r v stubborn , so who cares ? So what is directed to ourselves 

Subtle body is more than mind, less than body

Not a mind nor physical 

It’s In between 

Subtle body Comes from 3 components prana nadi bindu 气/脉/敏点

气Prana: every movement is based on prana, also called lung

There’s external n internal Qi 

Every moment is dependent on Qi 

This natural movement of subtle body due to outside forces makes it unhealthy 

This unhealthiness manifests in 3 forms

脉Nadi- connected with subtle nerves to connect feelings 

There can b healthy subtle body

Transform Fr distorted subtle body to healthy body 

名点Bindu-

Imprint x habits 

environment n habits leave imprint on us

We learn fr environment society parents friends etc, imprints r left on in subtle body 

Some r healthy some unhealthy 

2 kinds of habits – karmic(fr past life)n learned habitual pattern (fr this life)

Cognitive habitual pattern- fr childhood u recognize n build up habit overtime 

In the process there might b trauma , these also leave imprint 

Painful state in world of feelings. Emotions move around that

Issues in there

Some r sleeping imprint, most r

This  imprint we call cause

This cause is triggered by smthg similar n is activated

When old imprint is activated,

you feel the same feeling that old event triggered

All these r activated 

Mindfulness help u not react to that

— oh this is triggered not actual one 

Actual thing already gone because of trigger n activated and it’s in u now

It’s the leftover imprint giving u suffering 

Practice – aware of that moment feel the feeling n transform that 

This is my imprint it’s not me

have to transform no need to scared its leftover residue — it’s not me

It’s my imprint it’s not me

Train! Thru mindfulness awareness

Every time its activated , use love understanding n awareness to transform 

It’s real but not true

The feeling is real but the message isn’t true because the real event is gone

So when u have the feeling that smtg is activated, strong habits etc b aware of that 

It’s my imprint not the real one

This can change many things in the family

You recognize that it’s their imprint it’s not them

All of us are clinging on to our imprint

Learn to identify n separate the 2

Communicate with imprint n let it go

Eg when couples quarrel

U know that his or her imprint has been activated 

!!!!!Meet our imprints!!!!! Handshake Practice 

Say hi smile be kind not suppress

Don’t run away but feel the pain if u have

It has happened 

It’s real but not true

It’s distorted

If you cling to it follow it and make it true you lock in to that habitual pattern

You wear that glass you perceive life from there

You suffer your family suffer your partner suffers too

This is all unnecessary suffering 

The birth age illness death suffering is enough 

We can change this n transform 90% you can function well 

It’s not me

It’s imprint 

We can transform the imprint 

When sleeping imprint is triggered, normally mind n feeling give out lots of stories and the imprint is activate. you react, then After many reactions , the imprint is reinforced 

We have to stop the reactions

This is feeling world so takes a little time but this is so important 

Drop the thinking mind

Whatever comes up be with it – handshake practice 

Know vs feeling

Drop the thinking n feel

Learn to meet raw with the inner monsters

Feel the pain for a while n it will open up

Change from core

Chant with the monster not to monster 

One day u b proud of yourself—- for meeting face to face 

If u can transform it will help you greatly

We have a lot of unnecessary suffering n we carry it all the way n think it’s me n see others thru that

But we have a right to live happily 

Smile without reason 

Trigger essence love 

Awareness 

Thru knowing things will change 

Of course there r techniques too

But sometimes just knowing can change naturally 

Find your ground your center n look

If qi go up it means You lost your ground 

Trust yourself have confidence to b yourself 

Just relax 

Day 2

Acceptance fr feelings rather than mind

Learn to listen to the voices that come out of our system 

Eg of him crossing bridge at KLCC

He stopped at one end of bridge

Use cognitive/thinking or analytical mind to investigate bridge is safe or not 

Access it’s safe coz pple r on the bridge 

Try to walk second time 

Felt same fear n stood there to check myself

2 messages come out

  1. Cognitive mind says go
  2. Feeling says no

I walked back because I want to transform 

I don’t want to force

Force maybe can do one time but next time more forceful

I walked back n stayed for a while for self reflection 

Outside is safe, bridge is safe

Inside is complex due to an internal beautiful monster

When I was young I fell Fr tree or mountain many times so I have these imprints in my subtle body 

Conflict betw mind n feeling , ego or I don’t know who to support 

Everyday u have this

We all have this don’t blame yourself or others but we can transform slowly minimize suffering

Many habits are in the subconscious in the subtle body

Use that beautiful monster to understands ourselves n others 

Many great things in this world because of beautiful monster

A lot of pple are great because they r connected to some form of monster 

If u stuck no solution but if u use monster

If we use right way it can b healthy

I know the value of that pain n not to let other pple have pain

Eg Milerepa master

He’s have a great monster n use that n transformed

Lean in on the pain 

Go into the pain almost like refuge

When u stop reaction monster open up

Because that monster is not permanent but dependent n its nature is openness 

Communicate with the monster 

Fear fr feeling- is not fact based fear 

But from imprint that was triggered n activated 

Many imprints r in our life

The complexity is due to a mixing of imprint based fear and fact based fear

Based on clarity of mind , with mindfulness practice, we can guide n transform distorted habitual pattern into healthy new pattern 

Buddhism encourages intelligent mind to do investigation

If we want to know our real self we have to find the selfless egoless self

We need healthy relative self

How does it appear to you? Distorted reality n imprints 

What is the reality?

When u open up

Confidence inner confidence inner strength understanding compassion will come

Won’t immediately react

Lots of beautiful things happen 

Inside n outside is healthy

It’s great n joyful

You dwell gd because it’s not due to outside conditions 

Experience of essence love is our birthright

It’s always there but due to imprint n our fixations, it’s covered up

We lost our connection to essence love but keep going to look for happiness outside n you experience hollow inside even if you r successful 

Arrive at Experience of movement of Bindu 

Bindu = home of love courage clarity bliss joy 

Feel grounded calm warm heart less judgmental kind

Feel well inside

Connecting with essence love via shamantha 止 practice 

So u can always go back there

Home must b healthy 

All kinds of love must come fr essence love otherwise its conditional love 

Then u know how to forgive also

Like with parents 

Otherwise if smtg happens 

Understand that this is their habit also

If we can understand this we can forgive 

How to bring qi down

-As soon as you aware it goes down

-technique :

-we need to have calmness n clarity because meditation can arise out of that

-grounded body calmness warm in body clear heart 

-calmness is in the feeling not in the mind

-modern life is busy n qi is v active, you need extra effort to b calm

  • we use a lot of lung n qi to function in modern day
  • But we forgot to bring it down or let it go back to their place

Meditation

– mainly shamatha n vipassana

-shamatha needs focus

-before this u need preparation understand subtle body etc 

-after shamatha, vipassana will come 

Eg handshake with fear

N fear goes away

But you miss fear ?

Whatever is there be with it eg b with absence of fear n maybe there u will find shamatha 

Eg u handshake with fear but anger comes

Stay w anger or handshake anger

Then sad come

So handshake the sadness

But there’s an end

So stay there sadness will open up n gone

N maybe there will b doubt , so handshake that 

There r layers as emotions r linked but there’s a root to this

Maybe there will b essence love freedom etc in place at the end

Just b there

Essence love is your nature

Ego

Ego has 4 expressions:

-Mere I (healthy)- simple I 

-Realified I- my point of view is right, this is the truth (unhealthy)

-self centered cherishing I – all about me, 

-social I – come out of self cherishing strong I , v high maintenance , high when in a group 

-ultimate I

Ego arise Fr fear

Go back to childhood, have a look

Most healthy antidote is love

Esp essence love it will heal 

Our world is missing authentic pure unconditional love

Too many conditions 

Caught up with expression of love but we really are disconnected fr essence love 

Come back to basic

Rebuild n reconnect ie with qi that should b at dantian 

We grew up too quickly no time to play 

We need connection with feeling our hearts

Handshake is to make mind emotion feeling connected 

Calm

Calm n aware = good

Calm n don’t know what is happening = no good 

Calm is not a hiding place to ignore things

!!!!!!Bringing Lung down!!!!!

  • overactivated 
  • Tight neck burning eyes like boiling state n shaking
  • Do breathing exercise to bring lung down
  • breathe out 
  • 2 methods 

(1)3 steps: breathe in /push down (- like peeing ) /count 6 /breathe out

  • You feel groundedness mind clear eyes brighter feat subside 
  • Lie down at home put book on belly. Breathe in belly bigger breathe down belly smaller 
  • Do v regularly 

(2)Gentle breathe

Still can talk n qi stay at dantian 

Feel grounded n achieve clarity 

Cooling at forehead

Burp

Pass gas

Some itchiness in scalp

Some vibration

Qi in legs

Grounded

We r happy to open eyes

Have Water in your eyes

Look into light n sun quite ok

Non reactive 

Respond fr qi groundedness calm

Take care of your qi

The above will help life n minimize suffering

Shamatha

Nowness n clarity stay v long

2 practice

Handshake – for imprint nadi 

Breathe- for qi prana

!!!!!!Happy without reason!!!!!!

Guru Rinpoche Empowerment 

Connected to guru rinpoche 

Empowerment: Your body speech mind perception everything— like trying to upgrade to guru rinpoche ‘s mind speech body perception way of thinking living etc in a enlightened way or adopting guru rinpoche ‘s enlightened body speech wisdom 

I feel v blessed to have this opportunity !!!!! May I share this joy and gratitude with all sentient beings 

Main purpose : adopt enlightened perception , with gd effects of gd health less obstacles 

After empowerment, chant mantra, more effective 

1)Water purification- purify obstacles

Blessed water n saffron water to drink n on head n sprinkle – think of purifying yourself obstacles sickness all gone 

2)sharing blessings with maras

3)Visualize 5 colours of light rep 5 wisdom protect u

4)dharma teaching- keep gd motivation 

I do not know what rinpoche is chanting but I feel blessed to b here at the moment to have this opportunity 

I thank the good that has been done I thank the difficulties that have brought me here

And I want to make this opportunity good by motivating myself to b better to practise to do better so I can share my light n pave the way for more gd opportunities

Mandala offering

Chanting to ask for blessing 

Visualize your body dissolve into emptiness n with it comes luminosity 

N transform into new body of guru rinpoche 

Light Fr my heart n Fr rinpoche heart meet 

Go to guru rinpoche ‘s pure land to invite wisdom 

Multicolor light go to head chakra

Shimmering

Blessing of guru rinpoche body speech mind received forever 

Visualize yourself as guru n his body come to u n dissolve 

Receive Mantra to cleanse prana qi wind

Blessing of guru rinpoche ‘s heart or wisdom. Mind pushed by thought after thought fixations , rest n find empty luminosity 

Long term effect: awaken n become 

Buddha 

Chant time to time 

Visualize 

Meditate 

Cultivate yourself 

Have happy healthy life

Pls take care of yourself your family n sentient beings 

Live a healthy meaningful life 

Day 3

If live with “Mere I”, attachments is lesser

Based on us as human, until we depart as humans. When we r no longer humans, perception change. We r what we r because of conditions coming together 

Now we come back to mere I 

!!!!!Clarity!!!!!

Clarity is the uniqueness of our mind, means clear and self knowing 

Only mind has this quality not elements not flower etc

Mind Also called consciousness or 心

Calmness is subtle body

Mind 

Subtle body(Parma.nadi.bindu)

Physical body 

When we meditate, mind subtle body mind all involved 

Mind expresses in 4 ways:

  1. Knowing mind – simply u know. Automatic. eg flower is flower, book
  2. Thinking mind – think to find out. eg who made book? In order to think n find out we need some reference ie what you learnt before. Then you think n judge . Problem is : if we have wrong reference n we make wrong judgement n conclusion because this is all connected to habitual patterns n imprints
  3. Awareness of mind – v important!!!!! What is Difference between knowing n awareness? When u have anger in you, do u notice you have anger ? You know ? And are you aware? What’s the difference? You look at flower? You know this is flower? But Are you aware that the mind is or you are knowing the flower? Awareness is like a double mirror. YOU KNOW THE KNOWING it’s in the present moment . Part of the knowing but also knows the knowing . It’s not part of thought nor thinking. It’s the intrinsic quality of mind. Best companion that comes with you. Not too strong not too loud. We always try to find out from or with thinking. One day it’s not a lot of difference because whatever you know awareness is there . Whatever you think there’s awareness. Almost no self but there’s something in there. Beautiful!  If you can bring this into your life, many problems will be solved and one day that awareness become automatic. This awareness almost take care of everything. Practice! But not by thought. Drop the thinking . We think we can find solutions by thinking but that is not true. Thinking has its role but not all can b solved by thinking so drop the thinking and just aware.
  4. Clarity: like an ah moment . Opposite is dullness. If you know dullness you must know clarity. Is this thought? No. We have clarity n this is our innate intrinsic nature of mind. Need to b aware n nurture it. Find by awareness n nurture with mindfulness. Otherwise when we meditate we go into dullness. Dullness gives some peace but not wisdom . Like the heart sutra it comes from clarity n out of all knowing mind. Buddhist meditation looks for calmness and we want clarity. Aware of Clear openness . Thought emotion comes but you are not sucked into it . It’s shamatha without support——- happiness without reason. Calmness love clarity. All these yours just reconnect n strengthen n let it b part of your existence 

Authentic shamantha has calmness and clarity and stillness.

Thinking is movement 

In stillness of calm n clear , thought comes, that movement of thought. Is that stillness still there?

If stillness not lost fantastic.  It’s stillness with movement. V useful for everyday life.

If stillness n thought comes , stillness gone. Gone

When u r in shamatha without support n in stillness u hear one sound n u know it’s a dog , with that knowing , r u still in stillness?

Yes. 

Knowing is there but it doesn’t becomes thinking

Whatever u know u know

Whatever you don’t know you don’t know 

You not trying to know or stop

Don’t stop the knowing don’t switch it off

Just don’t go into thinking

Knowing but not going into afflictive mind

Some pple afraid of going into afflictions or discursive thought 

so switch off knowing but switch off knowing n u switch off clarity 

Thoughts n emotions come but u r not reacting 

So thoughts n emotions are liberated 

When u r being in the stillness 

Some point u cannot continue when there’s emotion to make u lose the state

Do u re-recognize the state or handshake ?

If you just lose mindfulness , just come back to the state gently

If it’s old things come up then handshake . Feel that pain. Be with that. Be kind. You will find some space. From there go back for the calm

You met the raw pain state for a while

Open it up

Then from there progress 

Awareness includes knowing

Knowing doesn’t include awareness

How long more are you going to hide from yourself? Run away from yourself? We want to b free within , not block. If you hide you will never conquer the samsara.

Go back to the root. It will help us a lot.

Number of practices:

  1. Handshake 
  2. Qi management 
  3. Shamatha without obj

Openness n opening up

Restricted mind is based on our imprint 

We need awareness to develop ourselves 

Taking refuge

Namo buddhaya 

Namo dharmaya 

Namo sanghaya

Like a number to call Buddha

Buddha bodhisattvas want to help us

We call out to them when we need

Commit yourself 

I m going to change n improve myself 

Bring virtue in my life n others

To deal with own n others monsters, the way is to:

Practice practice practice then one day simplicity will arise

Golf cooking creative artist life death all like that

Complex will lead to simplicity 

Also, change yourself to change others.

Do not wait for others to change. Change yourself. You b surprised how many other changes will come.

Change the right one 

!!!!!!Imparting this wisdom to others:

Every stage uses different methods

Best time is young time ie birth to 6-7 years 

Teaching manifest in form of silent transmission, ie make sure they have feeling of safety or grounded body, if u have baby hold baby face outside so adult become live chair n your groundedness is transmitted to child via nerves

Make their subtle body healthy 

So just drop everything n b in the center n just hold them

They will feel care safe n free

Teenage time use different methods because now is rebellious time, they think parents don’t understand them 

Be strong n understanding of their emotions n problems 

Bottom line is if u know clearly, u will b able to help others 

Many things u have to work in silence based on love kindness compassion 

Work in silence or silent transmission

Things still move

That’s the best way

Like a blessing and a miracle 

People have to learn from you silently 

How do u know if monster has opened up?

When feeling says – I want to know more about the pain 

Normally is fear numb shut off don’t want to know

It’s not delivered by mind

When monster is triggered 

u can chant mantra from time to time to see how monster feels- it is real but not true

Stop talking, just be

Fear of death :

Use this teaching to practice 

Not just cognitive but also in subtle body 

Need to practice 

It’s not only what u know u can change 

Sometimes you know but still cannot change 

It’s habitual accumulated over time 

Don’t seek new information you know v well already 

Don’t seek new thinking

Just do it

Don’t wait for perfect conditions to do it to practice 

Any place any moment any situation 

Just do it

!!!!!If you want to say no, say it!!!!!!

2 types of habits

-Karmic habitual pattern

-Learned habitual pattern: healthy n unhealthy 

Within unhealthy is distorted wounded n not wounded

Monster – wounded n unwounded

Wounded u have to open up its related to emotion 

Unwounded one like Qi speedy 

Bindu

– home of or basis of love clarity courage bliss joy

-it will happen by itself if I take care of Qi lung imprints balance well being etc 

-feels openness essence love courage okayness

-feel well unconditionally or inner vibrancy feel happy without reason 

-modern living encourages happiness with conditions ie if u do smtg then u b ok

-opposite of bindu is hollow.

– if cannot experience, handshake the blockages or bring lung home 

-people r easily affected be they r hollow inside 

Conclusion 

At this part of bridge I stopped n wanted to transform 

Handshake shamatha 

Fr subtle body there’s a message I can walk across bridge

I talked to my physical body to ground it

Halfway thru let go of arm walk

Walk to n fro to reset

There r many levels to work on to release the imprint 

Gentle vase breathing

  • little bit of breathing mayb 5% n let go so we can still talk n move 
  • If u do well this will save your life

Live happy n healthy 

Guide others n your next generation to a healthy direction 

Don’t quarrel with partners accept differences 

You don’t know who will go first

N your children will feel better n you yourself too

For pple who experience death let it go

Cannot fight with facts

Accept n let it go

Chant their name n say they have passed away

Know when is the right time to let it go

One great master said, end of building need to come down

End of life is death 

End of gathering separation comes

But what you practice you never separate from that 

The understanding will b with you

Live young

0

9 Years 9 months

亲爱的沁芝

考试成绩分发回来

你居然只给mommy看英语和华语测验纸

数学科学没拿出来

因为不及格。

mommy看到你的成绩,不知如何是好。去年我们谈过的。

你说你不喜欢读书。我说好,那及格就好。你说你自己努力不用mommy催。我们约定了。

今年就让你主导你的学习。

你说想拿60分以上。我们一言为定。

不知所措的也是我。

是不是mommy的错呢?放胆让你自己学习,结果一塌糊涂。

我问自己。

好像除了我们自己,找不到另外一个人谈这件事。

和daddy谈起,我们又发生思想方面的碰撞。daddy认为,我没有给他support,没有照着他提议的那样教沁芝。

mommy听了大发雷霆。因为他一年里面,没有教沁芝什么,结果说我没有支持和执行他的想法。我真的听了很不服。

教沁芝的是我。面对考试跟沁芝赶工的是我。daddy除了说我的方法不对,就是说我不愿意照着他的想法去做。

我跟他说,我真的有尽力。但是他呢?尽力帮助沁芝了吗?

他没有回应。

我跟daddy说,沁芝的问题也是我们的问题。就是没有open ourselves up tolife and its possibilities。

如果我们不改变,我们的下一代也会面对我们现在面对的现实。并且是加重的面对。因为这是一个deep dark energy,所以会吸引这样的事实。

我们要我们的孩子突破,我们首先要突破和改变,才能创造新的局面。

我说我们可以有思想方面的碰撞,但是目的是理清彼此想法,互补合作,精神上并且是从心里有共鸣,让孩子可以感受到我们真正的合拢。

Mommy不知所措还是你不敢拿出测验纸这件事。

亲爱的。我是你的mommy!

问你,拿到这成绩高不高兴?你说一点点。

那还要这样的成绩吗?你说不要。

那怎么办呢?你说做assessmentbook。于是我们去买开始策划假期时候温书的时间表。

隔天,和沁芝在家,想偷点时间和沁芝做点特别的。所以和沁芝外出,和沁芝一起午餐。这就是最重要的小事。

这一天怀皓的学校concert。我们全部起早去看。

IMG_3247

对于怀皓,沁芝不止一次说,怀皓很可爱,但是很坏蛋。两个人每天就在吵闹嬉笑怒骂中陪伴彼此成长。

IMG_3073.jpeg

这一天,沁芝的英文补充内有寻找词语的练习,结果两个人把头放在一起。一起找。

IMG_3408

沁芝喜欢涂涂写写。在我们的迷你图书馆上面,看到沁芝写了这样一张字条。

IMG_3421

多可爱!

mommy生日,沁芝画了这样的礼物送给mommy。

IMG_3055

这一天mommy去访问法国米其林三星厨师alain passard,沁芝怀皓跟着去

IMG_2906.jpeg

不知不觉,小妞又长大了

像是大人一样吃xo sauce,像是大人一样,手长脚长

IMG_3015IMG_3076

亲爱的,mommy跟阿姨说,只要沁芝健康平安快乐就好。

沁芝啊,mommy是这样想,才这么放胆让你去自己拿捏。

虽然看分数,似乎是有什么没有学到的,但mommy也这样看,我们都在和你一起学习。

学习这样在学习。虽然可能要花的时间多一点,但mommy相信,这是有理由有原因的。我们必须寻找学习的原因和动力。

此外,失败也是必须学习的。不及格这件事也是。

我们也在学习啊。亲爱的,你也要加油了!

那天阿姨说,阿姨拿了糖果给沁芝吃,结果沁芝回答说:“阿姨,你坐飞机的时候才吃。”

阿姨说:“为什么?你知道我坐飞机会吐啊?” 沁芝笑了笑。沁芝就是这么一个温柔的孩子。我想,这是课本上学不来的。

宝贝,好爱你。

0

Ishinomaki

I interviewed Janice and Chi many years back when I was working at the Chinese Daily.

It was like an ordinary interview at a new restaurant. But their story was anything but ordinary.

Chi followed Janice on a mission trip to Ishinomaki. Then Janice was in the doldrums. Chi a workaholic put everything down and followed his wife to Ishinomaki.

For the record, Ishinomaki in Miyagi, Japan was one of the coastal cities that was hardest hit by the tsunami in 2011.

Chi hadn’t come from a well to do family . All this life, he was conscious of making enough to feed his family. So when he decided to put down work, it was for his wife, I remember Janice said, “he said, whats the point of earning so much money if my wife is unhappy?”

That trip changed his life.

“People over there, they lost everything. But they can still smile. It makes me wonder–Why are all these people behaving this way? But if you trust that tomorrow will be better, then it will be better! It’s the perspective of how you look at it. If you keep on worrying, everything will not turn well, because fear, or I use the word worry, is paying the interest that is not due.

Actually it may not happen but our fear cripples us, make us dare not move on, make us think we are only this small or we can only do this much. Or I’m not in the capacity to help someone, to listen to someone.

When he came back from Ishinomaki, he was born again.

After I went to Ishinomaki, I came back and I do not know how to move on. I really want to do something, I have this voice very clear that restaurant shall be called Ishinomaki. That’s how the whole thing started.

And I tendered my resignation a few days later. Without even knowing what is the next step—because this is the first time in my life I felt I hear something from God. I have never has this kind of feeling, when I look back, actually God is preparing me all the way. This is no coincidence, I let go everything. When I went with my wife, I just let go everything. That trip really woke me up.

We maintained contact all these years, little did I know that I would have a chance to make a video out of this, and to come to Ishinomaki to see for myself the Ishinomaki that changed peoples’ lives.

What is the meaning of letting go? like Chi said? I tried to imagine.

He said he felt very sure and was not afraid at all.

I think it means to rest and be at peace. To be so comfortable so loose that you can not control.

He said he was used to thinking and living in a state of lack, even if financial conditions were okay after having worked.

“But when I was young, I was worried about lacking.”

But he agreed that after letting go, abundance came in.

img_3642img_3646

We visited the Nozomi project one evening. Womenfolk were congregated into a safe space whereby they did handicraft work, putting together pieces of pottery that was found in Ishinomaki after the tsunami.

Sue who gave birth to this project and is still tending to this today after 7years say, there can be beauty in brokenness.

“We are all broken within ourselves, but in here, from here, is where beauty can be found. She found it a privilege to walk with the women here, mostly single mothers, and to listen to their amazing stories and strength.”

I was touched by what I heard. I loosened up and my voice shook. But I also observed myself during the process, I was merely listening but not opening up enough to this experience. I was pretty closed.

I tried to open myself up and that was when I felt warm and was moved. I was trying to make sense of this feeling. That tight closed up feeling. Rigid and unmalleable, why?

I couldn’t really figure it out. Was it my fear of death? It doesn’t feel complete or perfect and it felt like I didn’t want the incompleteness or imperfection.

Like this place couldn’t really penetrate me.

Sue shared this story of jewellery pieces made out of pottery, being organic and not symmetrical. She once had a discussion with the women who made this and they say they want to make it symmetrical because they didn’t want to remember the tragedy. So they named the collections after their loved ones, who are washed over.

Sometimes a question pops up and there are tears which go into the jewellery.

After a while, the womenfolk told her they wanted to make the pieces organic again, and Sue says it shows about the healing they have received after all this while.

I find myself a little opaque to these.

Maybe I felt the lack as my family was broken, I didn’t want the echo…..or hear any more of these echoes of brokenness. I just didn’t want that memory of wretchedness. Aye yes it reminded me that I have something I need to work on within myself.

Broken myself inside, and I havent even addressed it. I didn’t really wanna open it up to peek into there.

And I haven’t found a way to asking these people about this state of wreck. How do I approach them or rather my own story or memory of wreck n lack?

But hearing these stories made me understand about strength. The sake brewery owner said he was so blessed to be alive, he was inspired to start another sake brand.

I wouldn’t be able to understand how folks here could go back to school too after the tsunami. But Sue said there’s an urge to go back to normalcy.

Somehow I get the idea or grasped the concept of strength. Drawing out inner strength from the depths of—perhaps your soul.

日本人的生命就在反覆的破碎和重建當中進行。很了不起的生命力。

I sort of watched my own emotions then and slowly softened at certain points. It was as if something melted, my voice shook a little. Sue teared.

Its time to open myself up to the brokenness in me. To be honest. Why keep?

不只。對我來說也是人生的教育。

我不知道还可以为Ishinomaki这条视频带来什么。

但是我鼓励自己尽量以开放的觉知体验这里的一切

体验这里表达的一切

有时候做访问时,会被受访者说的话感动。

参加这里星期天的教会活动

小孩子弹奏的音乐带领大伙

诗歌用摇滚敲击打鼓的方式表达

好像就是要激起藏在心里心底的一切想法感觉

里面有很多的热情很多的疼痛

越是大声越是愤慨越是无奈

原来我不需要再给什么

只需要懂得开放

就像Sue昨天讲,我问她,怎么在自己藏了很多起来背负很多之后还说,it’s a privilege to be walking with them

还有Chad说,a lot of times it’s not what we do or what we bring that helped

It’s our presence

我再一次学会什么叫做being present

存在 开放 地活在当下

为什么老先生失去太太过后可以微笑

他晚上回到家之后会不会夜夜流泪?

她在大浪来的时候爬上梯子爬到屋顶

然后建筑物倒下

老先生请求银行让他把梯子带回家

因为那是太太碰到的最后一件东西

这么痛苦的回忆真的要留在身边每天复习吗?

是复习痛苦还是借此让自己接受

这么harsh一个方式?

or maybe its me who is feeling that its harsh?

这么一个偏远的地方

居然有一个很强壮去、为数不大的团体

在这里支持重建

小小的地方

这些洋人决定在这里住下

生活

生活不是在公司里赶计划书看下一笔钱怎么赚到

生活不是你争我夺的大斗法

不是升迁降落的计算

是另一种的情绪起伏

关系到人生最重要的大事和小事的

为什么这些人会愿意远离主流的生活

什么是主流

什么才是对的正确的选择

这些洋人说着日语

但可能比日本人更日本人,比日本人付出的更多。

在这里长大的孩子会快乐吗?他们都活在大人的伤痛下

Looking at the sea.

That which brought abundance can actually be the very sea that takes the abundance out of your life.

But the sea may not be the one to be blamed

And looking at it. It seemed so wasteful to hang on to the old. Not just memories but old attitudes practices habits systems

The sake owner and the young man who started Fisherman Japan, both said that after the tsunami, they felt inspired to do something having grown up here.

Just simply so———because they are alive.

And what do I want to do?

0

Healing XXXXXii

Healing xxxxxii

那天我只是想去做一个regular的mindspa

结果学到许多

一如往常

老师问我,他的工作是在哪里?

我说是,support my healing

他点点头:“就是让你看到你的光”

现在想起来,这是一件多么微小但多么了不起多么重要的事

不管是对家人孩子朋友同事甚至老板

如果我可以照见别人的光,让别人看到他们的光

多么温暖多么美好

怎么让别人看到他们自己的光?是自己也成为光吗?还是镜子?

我跟老师说,不知道为什么,我跟那些在一个高度放心、归零的人非常有缘

像是餐馆Ishinomaki的老板、江振诚、Alain Passard都是在一个高度上,说放就放

我说不知道为什么,总是能够在和大厨对谈的时候,透过他们的口,说出我的心里话。

有时候,是大厨说了什么,完整勾勒出我说不出把握不到的感觉

跟老师说:“Alain Passard说,对于他的一切决定,或生命中的点滴,他就是到现在也说不清楚。但有时候就是通过像是这样的访问和对谈,让他回头,一点一点拼凑出、了解到他的过程”

是啊!我也有这样的感觉

我问Passard,怎么会有胆子放下这么多让他餐馆得奖的菜?

他笑说:“怕?那就不要做。”

问他为什么这么享受烹饪?

他说,他家都是搞艺术的。从小他就喜欢用手探索。探索过程让他更多地接触自己的五官,让感官神经更加敏锐。

是啊!我也有这感觉!

老师问我,从踏入报馆到现在,自己怎么改变了?

我说成长跟获得,就是更加了解自己。知道自己写,可以不只是工作,第一次这样感受是在采访周华健的时候。

那时专访他,他告诉我他为兄长还债。我可以体认。因为我也在用赚来的钱,为父亲还债。

后来慢慢的,透过访问,有时候是学习、发现新知识,有时聆听别人的经验,照耀自己。有时是被安慰等等

我提到蒋勋的《带着金刚经去旅行》。里面蒋勋说到,一个学生刻印,带有拙趣

我很受吸引

说着流下眼泪

吓了我一跳。我原来那么被这句话触动

老师邀请我待一待,感受一下心里

让我了解到,我的感动是因为我也是这样

中学时候写作文,有许多的深字佳句我背起来了很期盼会用,但总是写着那些一样的简单的话

我不会雕琢复杂

我就是那样,原原本本简简单单干干脆脆

陈彬雁就是这样

老老实实

真真切切

从来都是

跟老师说,我打从心里有个lack的感觉,缺少缺失。我说,我不算特别富裕,但比下有余,有工作,有家庭,为什么还是感觉有缺失?

老师说,这个缺失可以从几个角度来看,从理性角度、从社会文化角度,以及超越一生、与生俱来的角度来看。

“你有屋子吗?三餐无忧吗?有孩子吗?有工作吗?”等等

这么说下来,知道自己应该感恩的很多。

老师说:“既然如此,你知道这个缺失并不是现实。那从文化角度,一个社会文化的继承。”

我可以明白。战后,我们的父母和祖父母,面对各种lack,我们就是这样,这样inherit了这样的energy。

还有一个,就是与生俱来的缺失,或是前世面对的强烈力量使然。再不然,就是告诉你,你有一些尚未和解溶解度课题。

我说我向往的是peace、wholesome或wholistic的感觉,

我说到对死亡以及突然死亡的恐惧,因为妈妈舅舅姨妈都是这样离开

老师说,resolve的方法就是回到那个memory。让这个情绪有一个Energetic release。因为突然来袭的shock总是让自己freeze

也可以转眼珠以及摇甩的动作

某一天,在摇甩下,真的就如老师说的那样,energy封锁在身体某一部分。很神奇。

我说出对健康的担忧。老师劝说:”健康已经在调整而且有专人看。疾病这件事不只和饮食有关,也和许多其他因素有关。生病这件事,即使许多高人也会经历。老师说:“所以我希望你可以更加的宽心对待。”

0

5 yrs 9mths

皓皓听说读写的能力加强了,可以简单认字,也开始觉得好好花更多时间涂涂写写画画

这些就是成品

好骄傲啊!比如有一天,皓皓想跟daddy说谢谢,于是就有了这张小作品。

IMG_2466

IMG_2110

Mommy生日的时候,皓皓写了许多的卡片纸张,不外都是好爱妈妈的一类文字,但是——百看不厌。事实上,皓皓的每一天都有类似的作品。

 

IMG_2641

Mommy生日这天早上,皓皓准备了蛋糕给我,还唱生日歌,切蛋糕,吃蛋糕。

晚上去吃晚餐,最惊喜的是皓皓居然喜欢也敢于在大家面前唱歌

晚上到公公家住

f8981b56-3d4b-4489-94f9-3d548fcb0e8f

这是姐姐运动会上赢回来的奖牌

IMG_2307

还有阿妹阿姨去纽约买回来的衬衫。皓皓就是喜欢。

IMG_2561

亲爱的宝贝,最近你都在daddy的indian head massage下睡下。

晚上进来水房,看你睡得好香甜,姐姐都忍不住要亲你。

Mommy也是。

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

爱你!宝贝要健康、开心、平安!