These few days I have myself checking my thoughts. Too much going on in my mind.
I thought of why cells become abnormal, because that was what was found in the polyp in my colon.
It was 3mm and small and its abnormal and precancerous.
I didnt know whether I was to be happy or otherwise. I certainly was taken aback, but I was also relieved.
What did I do to bring myself here or to make cells abnormal? Questions were running in my mind—when did this happen? why or what made this happen? how fast was this happening and how much more or faster cells can change?
And most importantly, what can I do to make them normal?
After all the clean eating, clean use of products without chemicals. What exactly made cells abnormal?
It appeared to me that whilst external factors made a difference, what really made impact was the sense of inner peace or ease.
I m sure stress was a stimulus but what made the difference was how i took to stress or to things or to life.
Was I calm, grounded and centred ? No.
I began to inspect my life, my work, my family.
I remembered while I was going to be pushed in for the scope, my heart trembled a little, because I knew I had unfinished business, i had things to resolve with my father, or for that, myself.
I bore a grudge still and I wanted to have the chance to resolve it. At least, make it better.
I have no regrets about my family, i think i have devoted myself enough to my husband to my children.
As for work, I gave wholeheartedly, it brought me to many wonderful places and i had the chance to meet many wonderful people to learn from them. Work was my teacher that inspired me, and broadened my life. It gave me joy.
What i had to do was to manage work time and how it affected me when things did not go my way.
And I began to realise, once again, that it is taking responsibility for my own feelings. That is how I can not let others affect me. Real inner peace and stability comes from taking responsibility for myself.
I fell asleep not knowing when. The nurse just said, this is for the anaesthesia. And I woke up not knowing what was done.
But I felt something was.
And true enough, polyps were removed in the stomach and in the colon. I was relieved and worried all at once.
Relieved because it was polyps, and worried because there were polyps. But I felt that i earned some time, and was given some time.
The biopsy said that the polyp in the colon is abnormal but not cancerous.
I was relieved this was discovered, should I be happy?
But what did i do to bring myself here? In the last 3/4 years i had endoscopy and colonoscopy as well, and they turned out fine. All was good, so what did i do in these 2 years.
I was angry, frustrated with my husband, I was under stress for work. I was taxing myself too much.
With my knowledge and wisdom, I felt it was a part of the mental that has to be realigned, or simply straightened out.
Now that I m given time, I feel that I have to change some orders or mental pathways I had put in place and reinforced unwittingly—– to shake things up.
To create a new order or system.
That was why after the scopes, I had an urge to tell my boss, I want to devote time to doing things that matter to me. To discover people’s light and to share them. Its not chasing after money.
I had the desire and the urge to step out and change my life. To give my cells a new lease of life, to breathe and get air.
The old ways have been stifling and suffocating, suffocating both my soul and my body. It is showing up and inspiring me to change.
I give thanks for this opportunity and I want to make good use of this.