What is that in you

I saw this FB post of a friend.

“You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?
“Well because someone bumped into me, of course!”

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

So we have to ask ourselves, “what’s in my cup?”

When life gets tough, what spills over?

joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? OR anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions?”

Things that come into our life serve to tell us about ourselves, and that thing that is in us.

It is sunday today and I woke up happy , extremely happy to be alone, and to have a day devoted to myself and what I like to do.

Then I saw a mountain of clothes waiting to be ironed.

I was fired up and extremely frustrated and angry.

These clothes have been lying there for the past week! And out of the one week, I did ALL I could and even more as a working mother.

Waking up early to cook, doing all the chores I can and rushing home to cook. And having to wash up dirty plates and everything before I could start cooking, when I had little time or had to rush.

Out of those few days, bf was on leave. As i see it, he had time to do all these little by little.

And in my mind, i knew that i wanted him to rest and had time to rest, so I did ALL I could so that he could have more time to rest.

But rest he did.

So on  his off days he rest, but on my off days, i do what he could have but didnt do.

I was extremely mad.

We have had these conversations many times over.

And always, his logic was ——if you are not happy you do not do this, i’ll find my time to do.

But I just couldnt stand looking at that heap of clothes that has been there for one week.

Somebody has to do it.

At the basic level, I felt so so unfair, so so angry, why would I think for him and want for him to have a rest day without having to do anything, but he wouldnt think this way for me.

On normal days when he had rest and didnt have to do anything much, i still had to come back and wash up the pots and plates they had lunch on.

And even if he ironed, he would leave the clothes for me to keep.

I decided to iron the clothes today again because I felt like i wanted both of us to have a gd rest day and i knew he wouldnt have time to iron today or tomoro, because he would be at work and I wanted him to have good rest after work.

So i chose covering this set of chores which he could have done so many days before, rather than choosing myself, rather than spending time going out for a walk or doing some writing like now.

I chose him over myself.

I also wanted myself to have a neat tidy house to enjoy my rest day.

So i picked up the iron and started.

But i got so so mad.

Because I knew i wanted to talk to him about this, n he wouldnt understand what i m saying, he wouldnt even appreciate or understand all this that ran in my mind,

he would just say:” i will find my time to do”

ANd i knew i would get so mad all over again.

Because i did ALL i could on my work days, and on days he rest to let him do little and have a n ice clean house to enjoy -But on my off day, i still have to do ALL i can to cover what he didnt do,

I thought of what qinzhi wrote on the note that day to her dad because she saw he just left for his massage and didnt even bother to clean the table nor empty the dustbin, she wrote smthg and at that point in time when I read it, i felt like she knew smthg more, n she said smthg out for me, she wrote : “DO ALL YOU HAVE TO!”

And today i finally understood why—whilst I was ironing.

I kept doing all I can for my family, my kids, my husband. But not all I can for myself. I was always putting them first.

And ahead of me.

And at that point when I was ironing. I knew why this thing got at me.

My mom was also always putting her family, her kids, her husband before her.

My father didnt appreciate her and all those efforts.

Maybe he did, but too late.

When i realised this, I realised i walked in her footsteps and I was not too happy about all this because my own husband didnt understand and didnt appreciate what I had done.

If he had, he wouldnt choose or done allowed things to be this way. He would have cleaned up all the dishes or ironed all the clothes.

He wouldnt bear to let me, or he would think ahead for me, or consider for me.

At least he wouldnt leave those clothes there for me, he wouldnt even leave clothes there even after ironing.

And thinking of the post I saw on FB, i understand why i m so disturbed and worked up, its not even about the work, nor the clothes, its about what I have in me.

I do not want to let days come on and for myself to do these over and over again, its also not about not happy dont do, its about that level of appreciation and consideration for the other party.

its about putting someone else before yourself.

i m angry and frustrated at myself because these things that happen once and again show me how silly i m in putting others before myself, and i hate to admit i made a wrong decision.

I do not want to be like my mother, i do not want a husband who doesnt see my point and not recognise or appreciate me, i do not tolerate laziness and nonsense.

Never. I do not want to be like my mother. Doing everything she has to everything she could and more . Faithfully doing something and always so giving or sacrificing of her self, little by little till she had no life left.

Its about me.

5yrs 4mths

因为沁芝皓皓喜欢泡泡、喜欢staycaytion，daddy mommy总是也趁机去staycation

泡浴缸，这是小瓜最爱的staycation活动

最近小瓜迷上考记忆的卡片游戏。

一次，皓皓赢了，居然还说自己手上赢回来的卡比较姐姐的多出一倍

游泳，小瓜喜欢的另一项活动之一！

皓皓睡前爱画画。

小瓜从conrad看过来，总是看到Pan Pacific Hotel的游泳池。所以check out 之后，就带他们去pan pacific看一下conrad！

爸爸生日，皓皓最开心，因为有的吃！

这天去了Clip & Climb。上次皓皓初探爬高的滋味，这次更加坚定，爬到最高。

有一回，mommy也尝试了一下，然后到一半就不敢往上。

但是皓皓说：“mommy, you dont have to look down, just look upwards, and when you want to come down, just shout: Watch Out!”

然后他继续他的攀爬。

一直一直往上往上。

皓皓和姐姐去洗牙，不需妈妈陪，和姐姐在房间里洗牙。很利害，牙医哥哥说，弟弟好勇敢。然后juju护士姐姐做了可爱的手套气球送给皓皓芝芝。

有一天，在餐馆里等皓皓沁芝来。

我说：“皓皓，how do you feel when u saw mommy？”

他说：“I fell in love with you. you are like my girlfriend!”

Mom is so tickled! Thank you for the inspiration and the healing and love you do to me, Love you to bits, darling!

9 years 3months

我亲爱的宝贝

你好美 ！！！

Mommy跟阿妹阿姨说，science 40/80; Maths 1 mark to pass, Chinese 23.5/45; English i think 57 /100
nvm la, so long she healthy n happy!

Mommy问沁芝拿到这样的成绩可不开心，沁芝说：开心。

那就好！

但是还是希望沁芝可以每个科目都及格。

不知不觉，三年级的生活就这样过了一半。

最近沁芝皓皓喜欢玩记忆牌，但沁芝有一回输了，皓皓赢了，沁芝很生气。大声嚷嚷。每次都你赢！

然后生气哭了。

沁芝自卑了吗？

睡觉的时候，mommy说，沁芝难过了，沁芝听了大哭。

宝贝啊，人生的输赢才不是你想的那样，黑白分明。慢慢的你就会知道，或者说，输有时是赢；赢有时候是输。

慢慢的，你就会知道，输赢都不是人生最重要的。

因为沁芝皓皓喜欢泡泡、喜欢staycaytion，daddy mommy总是也趁机去staycation

泡浴缸，这是小瓜最爱的staycation活动

最近小瓜迷上考记忆的卡片游戏。

一次，皓皓赢了，居然还说自己手上赢回来的卡比较姐姐的多出一倍

游泳，小瓜喜欢的另一项活动之一！所以staycation的隔天早上，大家起个大早，然后就去游泳池。

姐弟俩喜欢涂涂写写

好喜欢沁芝的笑，好甜！

然后我们去了Clip & Climb

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爸爸生日当天，我们一起去吃点东西，然后吃蛋糕。爸爸好开心！

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母亲节，沁芝做了很多的❤️，说要我带到办公室的桌上，然后我就收进皮包里，每次打开就能看见沁芝的爱。

最喜欢握沁芝的手。可能想到妈妈以前怎么在我睡觉的时候用手来抚摸我的手，然后说——很滑。以前妈妈会说，那这样以后不要做家务，让老公做。

沁芝的手总是在mommy最需要力量的时候给我力量。不知道有多少次，mommy身上一点力气也没有的时候，就是因为握沁芝的手，知道要、还要握沁芝的手，所以才有勇气有力量继续深深呼吸，挺下去。

上个星期，带沁芝皓皓去洗牙。

mommy自己在弄牙齿的时候，沁芝皓皓也在另一间房间里洗牙。我觉得两个孩子怎么这么了不起这么勇敢。

好棒好厉害。所以护士姐姐Juju也画了两个小手套送给孩子。

这是mommy我可能也没有的勇气。太骄傲了！

宝贝沁芝，你本来就是勇敢无惧的。完美的。

知道吗？

好爱你宝贝！

 

Healing XXXXix

Mom left us in 2002.

But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.

In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.

And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.

For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.

The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.

For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.

For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.

She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.

And in my life, these themes were very strong.

These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.

So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?

Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.

When I went into the room, I found it very bright.

Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.

The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.

Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.

I needed to relax.

It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.

I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.

I was not grounded.

Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”

His reply was to the point.

“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”

Oh well, spot on.

I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.

I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.

When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.

This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.

To which teacher smiled.

“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”

Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.

i guess it is because he is so aware.

And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.

Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?

And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.

i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.

The word “Birth” called out to me.

I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.

I totally didn’t expect this.

So teacher mentioned 2 things:

1. The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
2. I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.

Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.

I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.

I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.

But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.

Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.

I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.

Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.

To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”

“i said a mixture of many emotions,  anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”

She had no choice.

Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”

“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . ”

I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.

Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”

I pulled the chair close and opposite me .

Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”

I went, or rather my father went, “素云，我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了，但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来，我太愚昧愚蠢。”

I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.

Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”

And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择，我错了，我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗？我请你原谅我，我对不起你。对不起这个家。”

Teacher said, “这些年来，你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦，你也不好受，我希望你能够抬起头来。”

And i did.

Teacher said, “yes. yes”

In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.

Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.

He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.

“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”

This got me v emotional.

I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.

but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,

“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你，生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”

Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.

“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”

And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.

“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. ”

And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.

Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.

Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?

“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. ”
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.

Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.

Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.

Its painful and we should all resolve this.

I agree.

Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.

i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”

Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.

“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”

i know what teacher is saying.

“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”

When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.

Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.

With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.

The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.

To really let it be free.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Thank you for the teachings!