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Picking up from where I left off

After talking about it for so long, a few years in fact, I m finally granted

Half year worth of no pay leave.

Sabbatical, they call it. And this word has roots in Er, God.

“The main Bible passage for sabbatical concepts is Genesis 2:2-3, in which God rested (literally, “ceased” from his labour) after creating the universe, and it is applied to people (Jew and Gentile, slave and free) and even to beasts of burden in one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:8-11, reaffirmed in Deuteronomy 5:12-15).”

Whatever.
so happy.yippee!

Like realizing a part of myself. Discovering a part of me that has been blurry before.

I Thank all who has made this possible.

And in a sense, it does feel as if I have gone back to where I left off.

Yes, like after qinzhi was born n I was contemplating no pay leave.

Like before I went for that health screening n got a higher than normal ca19.9 result.

In fact, just before the no pay leave confirmation, There already was a closure of sorts.

Closure, yes.

for the first time since 2010, my ca19.9 result is not a red fig
It’s a normal black fig
Although Its on the exact upper most normal range.

It’s normal .

Suddenly, I thought about the “special people” who dropped into my life to drop me hints that I m ok

But before I arrived at this fig, I still found it hard to believe them.

Now, at the result, I cried.
The tears were for the answered prayers.

I guess also that, maybe they were for the time I wasted.

It seems to me, ultimately, each of us decide for ourselves how much more we want to linger on or when we want to call it a stop.

We are the masters of our own destiny, we chart out our own journey, amidst the rains, winds n storms, as well, in fine weather.

This paragraph from DailyOM hit a note in my heart.

“Yet the truth is that it is up to each one of us to decide what that destiny will be.

While manifesting your destiny starts with knowing what you want and believing you can attain your goals, there are then the actions that must be taken and the decisions to be made before your destiny can truly happen.

When you take responsibility for fulfilling your destiny and begin acting with the intention of doing so, you not only take fate into your own hands, but also you become the hands of your own fate.

Doorways inevitably open for you to step through, and every choice you make can be a creative act toward realizing your goals and dreams.

You begin to follow your instincts and intuition, recognize opportunities when they are presented to you, and seize those golden moments. You also begin to recognize the decisions that may not serve this greater picture and can more easily push them aside.”

记得拿到没有红字的成绩,我抱着怀皓,感动哭了。

I prayed n asked for this, I prayed n say this would b an indicator for me to know that I can stop work . And i prayed n ask for strong support in my endeavor to come home to my kids, my home n myself.

I asked for Huaihao .
I got him.

I asked for strong support in my endeavor to come back home, to raise my kids n to come back to myself.

I got it.

I remember writing on paper strips n keeping these wishes in a box.

I think in writing , the thoughts r condensed into purity n strong energy .

And my prayers were heard. I got hold of them.

And so, 每一个起心动念都是一种力量,不要忽视它的
power。

It brings to mind awareness of your thoughts n what the mind has been thinking of each moment.

Think good thoughts, positive thoughts I tell myself. Watch the mind.

只要起心动念时够纯够真,够focussed,那将造就无穷大的力量,境地。
因为那股力量会引来许许多多助援的力量,推波助澜,助你向目标。

有时候,甚至连自己也不敢相信,一切就来自于一念之间。

我回头看,怀皓就是这么来的。我回归家庭的意愿也是。很多时候是因为我们要,所以有。

我看我的blog,看到之前抄下的文章,呼应了我的想法。

I got it.

And now , it’s time for closure of this chapter n to move on to my home, my kids n myself. What is there for me to learn, qinzhi n Huaihao will teach.

Looking forward with gratitude.

Picking up from where I left off.

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Our first staycation

Dearies

If u could remember, we made wonderful memories at our v first family staycation . On Vesak day.

First we went to pay respects to Buddha n QinZhi wants to “bathe” Buddha , daddy queued a long time for it.

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I m glad she has ideas about Vesak day, purifying oneself in thoughts actions n speech.

And when she knelt in front of Buddha, she invited me to sing the vairocana mantra she mastered!

Talking about staycation,
The night before, QinZhi was so v excited at the staycation . She packed the clothes she chose n stuffed many toys into her Mickey Mouse trolley.

When we arrived at Fairmont , she was elated n dancing at the lobby.

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Then in the room, she explored each n every area. She danced up n diwn the bed. slipped under the covers. opened the cupboards.

I did not expect the staycation could provide that much imaginary play. She would pick up the phone n talk to Mickey or Donald or daisy to ask why they have not visited her!

Needless to say,
She loved the phone most! n would sit at the desk to write abc on the notepads!

At times, we would reprimand her if she were too loud or clumsy or if she happened to jump on the bed because Huaihao is sleeping n would b startled at the slightest noise.

But I was careful with my choice of words–she should have an equal chance to play n b herself too! Why should she b restricted at all?

While she swam, I carried Huaihao who is asleep.

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As for Huaihao, It’s his first time out n he seems fairly occupied with the colorful n busy city shopping life.

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He seems fairly happy with the room too, perhaps becoz it was air conditioned !

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And he tried the bathtub! He was really happy playing in the water!

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After the swim, bath n dinner, qinzhi came back to the room still very excited , it didn’t matter if she missed her nap.

I loved it when she hugged me like a bolster n asked why hotels have no bolsters? Or why a bath is necessary after a swim? N etc.

I loved to c her n make her happy!

She says she wants to stay n not go home.

Oops!

And as she was hugging me, she says softly : u have not kissed me.

I asked her to repeat, n she shakes her head.

I kissed each n every part of her face n I suddenly feel how my mom would have felt at her daughter—- how she would worry about my health, my well being, my happiness, my safety, my husband, my.. Everything .

It’s that different with daughters because they r just so so so delicate no matter the age.

But now that I m writing, I think my daughter could do less with worries but more well wishes. This would b how I can change things.

And after kissing her , she fell asleep.

I think attitude makes a lot of difference .

In the past, I would b hesitant to bring baby out. But now, I think different n act differently.

With the new Manduca carrier, I was quite ready to bring bb where I went.

For I felt that he shouldn’t b discounted in any sense. Not to mention, left elsewhere.

A family should stay together. A family stays together.

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4 months

亲爱的怀皓

今天4个月大了!

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我抱着你,不断要感激你的到来。谢谢你的降临,照亮了我。

很快,明天又要去打针。怀皓刚过3个月的时候,也去打针了,一次3支,其中之一是用喝的,$441. Dr Ngiam喂怀皓的时候,他不断闪躲,把头往后,医生笑笑说:quite smart。

告诉他怀皓最近不爱喝奶,他说,那是因为他长大了,不需要喝那么多了。所以量减半,他强调:喝一边而且是5分钟就够了。

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到了打针的时候,怀皓不敌哇哇大哭,这些,mommy都录影下来,让怀皓以后可以看。

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周末怀皓去pasir ris
不过两天时间,他说话已经说得哇哇叫,不但声音更大、语气更坚实。孩子长大,一日千里。

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大家都说,怀皓总是笑嘻嘻的,非常惹人爱。davina、舅妈、甚至nua tang姐姐(dandelyn)都不停抱。又说他在那里喝奶喝得非常好。量多且准时。

在那里都是婆婆在照顾

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为了多陪陪沁芝,同时让婆婆不需要来,我们把怀皓放在pasir ris一周。其实很舍不得,皓皓真可爱,可爱极了。

回到家,突然觉得,少了什么不自在。好像宁愿忙碌少睡。也要皓皓回来,全家人,什么时候都应该在一起。

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最近给怀皓喂奶特别relaxing
很喜欢看他黑黑的眼珠子里的自己。我看他。他看我。那一刻很短暂却也很无限。

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静下来欣赏,才发现,以前难求对的latch on,现在他的latch 就如书中所说:"form a tight seal on the breast"
而且"the lips curl outwards"
这样的seal美极了!

我看了不禁感慨感动

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很感激有这个机会去欣赏。去感受这一种美。

这是沁芝4个月时候的样子,两人吮吸的模样还真相似。

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这一天,daddy抱着怀皓走走

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过后他不知为何,突然哇哇大哭,哭得mommy好心疼!照顾小孩实在不能分神,这一刻好好的,下一刻居然哇哇哭!

过后几天,怀皓都在晚上大哭,哭了超过半小时,怎么哄都不行。连ah kiat ah seng舅舅看了,都说,要去问神。

有时,听到吸尘机的声音就会不哭。听经也不哭。

但基本上到今天为止,已经哭了5天。今天带怀皓去看doc ngiam,他说可能是照顾上出现不同方式让敏感的他不高兴了。

所以用哭反击。

看了医生大人安心了。但下午还是不断大哭。请公公去翻通书,他特地买了拜拜的祭品,几个小时内再开来pasir ris。婆婆又说,孩子出世至今都不是这样的,这么大哭就是不对劲!

又说对小孩应该非常小心谨慎,温柔呵护,否则哪里吓到了小孩也不知道。

拜拜的隔天,怀皓果然不哭了。过了"关键"时刻,大家都给对方眼色,可见大家心里都挂着他。公公也打来好几次,问怀皓有没有怪怪的。

舅妈抱着怀皓不吃饭,davina姐姐抱着睡觉

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而这个时候的怀皓,也第一次自己翻转flip!捕捉到他的第一次,我很满足,兴奋,感激。

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it was victorious to see him flip

这个时候的怀皓,已经能手握玩具,也会用脚踢玩具。

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怀皓喜欢到厨房。问他衣服在哪里,他会把头转向衣服。问水缸在哪里?再把头转向水缸。

这个时候的怀皓,在5月10日这天,能够自己flip over了!

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沁芝很疼弟弟

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这是ahui阿姨的idea

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为了放更多心思和时间在沁芝身上,怀皓住在pasir ris已经一个多星期。去看他,他已经能翻转自如,非常可爱!

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皓皓十多天没有回来,带他回家他在德士上大哭了。回到家也不停哭。后来唱歌给他听他笑了。后来给他喂奶,他抓住我的手,突然间,我感受到自己身体在颤抖,好像在接收他给的力量。

我以为他在抓着我,是我给他安全感,但原来不是。是他在给我strength.

20日这天是初11,婆婆叮咛是皓皓4个月的日子,姨姨特别煮了豆腐、虾、肉、芫荽,给皓皓擦嘴唇体验,福建话kui cou。

意思是今天之后,皓皓不止可以喝奶,也可以吃东西了!

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好料如下:
豆腐就是pong pei
虾,会跳
肉,好菜肉
葱,聪明

带怀皓回来虽然比较累,但那种累很直接很简单,并不是内心有什么不愉快,而是身体的疲困,睡一睡不管多长或多短,便ok。

怀皓喜欢看电视,看得目不转睛,看得非常入神,好像什么都懂得

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我们最近买了这个baby carrier,希望下来去哪里都可以轻松带着怀皓一起去

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这个时候的怀皓,不太喜欢mommy抱在大腿上打嗝,如果这么做,怀皓一定站起,是的,怀皓已经在学习用双脚,学习平衡力度了,另外,手抓东西的能力已经很不错!但就是经常往嘴里放!

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这个时候的怀皓,喝奶时候双手会抓住奶瓶,婆婆说:这样就是不要喝,他会用手推!

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亲爱的宝贝,祝福你,天天健康平安快乐。如同一盏灯,照亮自己也照亮世间。

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Heaviness and Tightness

its been a while since i have had this feeling.

feelings of heaviness , discomfort, bloat n difficulty in breathing, a tightness. one pain followed another.

i felt vexed n frustrated.

why why why?i asked

what caused it?

how did i slip into this again?didnt i just come out from it?

n i thought, this is one of the pains of life.

we r always struggling , fighting something.

a part of ourself which we feel helpless at…

but it seems to me, i was the one who orchestrated this all, in my line of thoughts. i sought to reside in fear.

i want to change this, n now is the time.

fighting it isnt the way to go. its accepting n changing. a bit of change here n there to kickstart a new pathway . creating some flexibility here n there. i want to n have to.

bcoz this is the one thing i can do for my children.

to give them a mother who is fearless.

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Make Good Art

Neil Gailman

When things get tough, this is what you should do: Make good art. I’m serious. Husband runs off with a politician – make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by a mutated boa constrictor – make good art. IRS on your trail – make good art. Cat exploded – make good art. Someone on the Internet thinks what you’re doing is stupid or evil or it’s all been done before – make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, eventually time will take the sting away, and that doesn’t even matter. Do what only you can do best: Make good art. Make it on the bad days, make it on the good days, too.

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

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Don’t go back to school

Kio Stark

People who forgo school build their own infrastructures. They create and borrow and reinvent the best that formal schooling has to offer, and they leave the worst behind. That buys them the freedom to learn on their own terms. … From their stories, you’ll see that when you step away from the prepackaged structure of traditional education, you’ll discover that there are many more ways to learn outside school than within.

Learning outside school is necessarily driven by an internal engine. … [I]ndependent learners stick with the reading, thinking, making, and experimenting by which they learn because they do it for love, to scratch an itch, to satisfy curiosity, following the compass of passion and wonder about the world.

So how can you best fuel that internal engine of learning outside the depot of formal education? Stark offers an essential insight, which places self-discovery at the heart of acquiring external knowledge:

Learning your own way means finding the methods that work best for you and creating conditions that support sustained motivation. Perseverance, pleasure, and the ability to retain what you learn are among the wonderful byproducts of getting to learn using methods that suit you best and in contexts that keep you going. Figuring out your personal approach to each of these takes trial and error. … For independent learners, it’s essential to find the process and methods that match your instinctual tendencies as a learner. Everyone I talked to went through a period of experimenting and sorting out what works for them, and they’ve become highly aware of their own preferences. They’re clear that learning by methods that don’t suit them shuts down their drive and diminishes their enjoyment of learning. Independent learners also find that their preferred methods are different for different areas. So one of the keys to success and enjoyment as an independent learner is to discover how you learn. … School isn’t very good at dealing with the multiplicity of individual learning preferences, and it’s not very good at helping you figure out what works for you.

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How to worry less about money

John Armstrong

A good life is still a life. It must involve a full share of suffering, loneliness, disappointment and coming to terms with one’s own mortality and the deaths of those one loves. To live a life that is good as a life involves all this.

If we want to be wise about money we should resist the impulse to follow our desires and concentrate instead on getting what we need.

Need is deeper – bound up with the serious narrative of one’s life. “Do I need this”? is a way of asking: how important is this thing, how central is it to my becoming a good version of myself; what is it actually for in my life? This interrogation is designed to distinguish needs from mere wants. And that’s a good distinction to make.

But it is important to see that this is not the same as the “modest versus grand” distinction. Our needs are not always for the smaller, lesser, cheaper thing.