Before I knew it, we have come to the last month, then last weekend, last day of 2019.
How has it been? So much has gone by, in a whirlwind. It is no wonder that at the end of this decade, this last month of 2019, I felt the pull of all the energies, all the remnants of emotions, no wonder.
It is now, that I understand why I have been feeling dizzy of late. As if the whole weight of the decade, all the experiences, the learnings, the upheavals, bore their weight down, collectively. I feel a lump in my throat. I had to breathe harder than usual.
And the last year of this decade: So intense, probably one of the most intense emotionally, one of the most demanding psychologically, mentally, hence physically.
In this last year, there seemed to be more lows. Intense dense heavy lows for me, but also, because of these lows, I learned to be thankful whenever I savoured sweetness and recognised the pleasantness of a steady smooth plateau.
Or delight in the ordinariness of life.
How pleasant how wonderful how precious is each normal ordinary day! I learnt that a day that could go by smoothly and having us all together is already magic.
And a total godsend, a gift.
So what if there are little tiffs here and there?
As I looked out of the window and admired the fireworks, the others asleep, I realise that nothing can not be let go, and it would be silly not to let go, or to continue grasping. Because just being here to witness this moment, is THE most important thing and the best thing one can have.
I learned to look at the big picture and not sweat the small stuff. Life taught me how to let go of the little things, teaching me to expand and broaden my views, my inner being.
I looked back on 2019 and I think it is and will be one of the most important years in my life.
Why?
I made the best decision of my life and that was to quit M. I followed my heart, it was one event that distilled out lots for me, it showed me that which my heart wills—not money, reputation, career, status, but heeding the advice of my heart.
And no, it was not difficult to let go. Contrary to what I felt a while ago, it was easy in fact.
I haven’t felt so satisfied with myself for so long, chatting with the kids earlier, we spoke about the best time in 2019, and I said it was the moment I stepped out of the office on that last day.
I probably wouldn’t know, even now, how I could have made that decision so easily, as if without a care—like what Alain Passard said, even till now as we were chatting then, he still could not fully comprehend his decision, but also, as we were speaking, he began to appreciate bits that did not occur to him and he finds himself better able to understand his decision in its entirety.
Pretty much my feelings too about quitting. I am still dishing out bits and pieces here and there that I did not comprehend a while ago or at that time.
Quitting and Stopping was important to me.
Stopping to get a hold of myself, my family, my kids, my husband, my life and—time.
I want to be in the moment, to live, and not just pass time by. I want to take the time.
I am glad I had that light guide me and my wisdom helped me to make this decision.
One other magical moment, utmost magical, was when Dr Gwee told me, the cyst has shrunk. And those few days, I worked with essential oils, my guides, my dharma protectors—– in a bid to heal myself. To create the reality I want.
I witnessed the impossible—-it was magic thru and thru.
I experienced and learnt for myself:
-healing myself, undoing what was done
-how the body can heal itself and without medication
-how thoughts can drive the body and work with the body
-how important positive thoughts are
-the importance of conversing with light, our guardian angels and our protectors who are always here for us
-the importance of being with the body and communicating with the body, not dismissing it, not recognising it, abusing it, wasting it.
I had the most precious experience of healing myself. Because after a while, you realise that —–you just had yourself and that was it. And if you want yourself, start to talk to your body and yourself more. Be intuitive and primitive was one of the best things that helped healed me.
More than these, I think I had immense wisdom when managing my marriage and my relationship with my husband.
There were lots of anger, probably the most in the almost 20 years we have been together. There were so many times I was so tested, but I just kept on. Not that we are very well now, but I m learning to appreciate things at a deeper level such as, understanding (as what Mr Ng said) that we chose each other to complement each other. Or, maybe I could have hurt him in my past lives way too much.
Even so, I expressed myself as much as I could. I learnt with all these experiences that it is not about compromising and suppressing my emotions and letting the other party get the upper hand out of love—-like what my mother would/had chosen to. But more than this way of loving—which I have repeated and learned from her, its expressing honestly what I feel at heart.
That is a breakthrough.
And I would continue to, with awareness—–love this way. Or start loving this way.
2019 made me aware that I copied or lived on my mommy way too much, I lived to fulfil her, address her, seek fairness for her.
But I did not live my life as TPY.
Events happen and in the process I struggle and sought light to be me. It was tough really! But thankful for the dharma and teachers who came and supported me along the way.
I tried reiki! And got to get a taste of the power of the hands when applied with good intention. The last time I had an inkling of what the hands can do, it was in India when I had the chance to eat with my hands at Bukara. With reiki, I experienced the magic of the hands yet once more, its a deeper feeling of knowing the hands better.
I tried and got hooked on kundalini yoga after reconnecting with Punam and the practice is one of the most important saviours for me. Each sitting and practice teaches me to be grateful and appreciative, I learn to take time for myself to attend these sessions for self care, I learn to be aware of the subtle body and these subtleties of life. And feeling the surrounding abiding calm. Recognising a clear mind, and falling into deep deep sleep on the mat.
I became a volunteer for Tsoknyi Rinpoche with the kids! I attended a retreat! And made new friends!
I reconnected with Yen Chua who is now supporting the kids’ art therapy.
I had the chance to taste waters!
I had the chance to write for BT!
I had the chance to pick up journalism again.
I had the chance to contribute ideas to Zenxin!
I had the chance to bring nanny and dad and qinzhi to Taiwan. I had the chance to date bf in Taiwan after sending the folks back to the hotel. We ate at the night markets in the cold.I had the chance to buy for Qinzhi the writing books she liked. I fulfilled Qinzhi’s dream of going to Taipei.
2019 surprised me with alot of tests on all levels, physically, emotionally, mentally. I came through them using what I learnt, values, morals, ethics, but more so, dharma and buddhism, gut and intuition, essential oils, understanding, love and compassion for myself and others.
2019 tested what I knew, and allowed me opportunities to put what I learnt into practice and let me see for myself what worked and what not. It showed me that I am on my path and that I had support as always and I had the tools I need and going forward, all I need are slight adjustments to align me with my life’s purpose.
And that is what I will do and seek in the brand new year ahead. To put into practice to cement these that I have—support, tools and techniques, further to strengthen myself.
- To build up my health further
- To heal the cyst completely
- To heal the keloids
- To live honestly, speak honestly—–To be authentic
- To cook more healthy nutritious colourful meals
- To spend more quality time with kids and family
- To contribute my light to the world in meaningful ways
- To explore new fields professionally
- To reinforce and further align myself to green eating and spread my influence on green eating and eating well
- Make videos that will make a difference for top professionals in their fields
- Slow down to be in the moment
- Attend more buddhist retreats
- Do more holidays
- Pick up something new
- To go deeper and strengthen my practice in kundalini yoga
- To practice for 5 minutes a day
- To create a routine of using essential oils
- To eat slowly
- To drink slowly
- To eat less
- To be on the phone less
- To be TPY
- To be more mindful to break cycles and transform
- Would really like to meet Khadro La
- Do less. Be More
And what about the decade that has gone by?
Qinzhi was just born in 2009, and she’s 10 now. It was in 2009 that I discovered I had a higher than usual Ca 19.9 which further kickstarted my journey to soul evolution. Exploring and scaling the peaks of my inner landscape.
And in the 10 years, I had the privilege to cross paths with top masters, dharma teachers, chefs, and professionals who are in the league, pilates teacher, yoga teacher, Mr Ng, Yen……have conversations and become intrigued and inspired by them.
Conversations and experiences allowed me to explore life, myself, and I begin to recognise and acknowledge myself more, TPY came to life in the last 10 years as I defined myself.
It has been amazing and I am thankful for the blessings I have received.
I pray as we welcome a new year and decade, that each day be filled with mindfulness, goodness, wonder, magic, positivity, healthfulness, vitality, vigour. May each day be filled with light and love to inspire us guide us heal us bless us protect us.
May we all intuitively creatively courageously broadmindedly adopt the new! New habits, attitudes, mindsets, pathways that will serve us best ! And in the process effortlessly transform and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.
I sincerely pray that we all be imbued with wisdom and light and release all energies, imprints pain and suffering that do not serve us. May we all receive healing at all levels of our existence.
May all sentient beings be well and happy!
May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes.
May all sentient beings be free from suffering and its causes.
May all sentient beings be never separated from sorrowless bliss.
May all sentient beings abide in equanimity.
We can all create the reality we want. Effortlessly.
May all experience light and its wonder. May the new year and the decade ahead bring us lots of blessings and goodness at its best as I become happy healthy shiny TPY. Happy 2020!
不知不觉，已经是2019年的30日。这一年过得如何？
高低起伏。有太多情绪的高点，低潮，爆点，搞得紧绷虚脱劳累。太伤了！
2019年最magic最miraculous的就是cyst变小。
让我品尝到magic还有healing以及essential oils的神奇力量。
让我有机会和身体对话
让我知道身体会疗愈自己的本能力量
让我更贴近身体
2019年最没有想到最大也最对的决定就是辞职。虽然我可能到现在还不太难完全理解为什么会做出这个决定。就像Alain Passard说，他到现在还不能完全说清为什么当时会弃荤从素。但是在每一次的访问中，碰到问题，会有机会去理解自己的决定。
但是我深深知道也确定，这是我长大到现在，做得最对最棒的决定。
因为这个决定，学习、挑战自己放开———放开高薪、舒适区、钱财、名利、社会身份和地位。
因为这个决定，我可以有机会更好地投入家庭。和孩子。有机会回来学习生活。纯粹过生活。做最是自己、自己最想做的事。
可以尝试不一样的生活、方式、节奏，有新的体验。
感谢2019年带来的种种经历、挑战、启发，让我有机会把所学所知运用上，得到验证，知道自己一路走来的感知、价值和学习，都是人生最真切最珍贵的宝物。
2019年太丰富了。感谢这些日子从各方各面获得的加持、恩典和力量，给我往前的动力和勇气，感谢光的指引，让我有智慧，做最贴心的大小决定。
这么写着，感动都上了心头。
学习到的太多，体验到的太多，感受到的恩赐更多。
知道自己何其幸运何其幸福。
万分期待崭新的2020。全新的日子像是白色，我许愿它健康、平安、幸福、自在。
我希望这几年所学可以让新的日子更美好更magic。
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