Revisiting wisdom:轮回是你的心，涅槃也是你的心

Dearies

We should do this exercise as much as we can

To rest n be at complete ease in awareness

Rather than to be lured by our habits n indulge in emotions

This forms the basis of “coming full circle”.

日常生活的过程
最好的方式，就是仔细观察一个喜悦或愤怒的动作。检视那个动作之后，你将发现在任何情绪生起之前，总是有一个空间或缺口。在情绪的能量有机会生起之前的孕育时刻，是一个清净本初觉醒的时刻，如果我们能够的话，就可以在此刻瞥见真正的心性。若能如此，在一瞬间，无明的符咒就会被破解，我们完全解脱了执著的任何需要或可能，甚至连「执著」的观念都变成是荒谬多余的。在那个缺口的「空白」中，可以发现卸下任何观念、架构或概念后的喜悦。然而我们却逃避它，反而在根深蒂固的习气驱策下，接受熟悉的、具有安慰作用的情绪发作，执著于这种不可靠的安全感。

因此，这就是从心性生起原本清净的能量凝结成情绪形式的过程，而它本具的清净性就被我们的轮回观所污染和曲解，形成持续不断的日常散乱和迷惑。

如果确实检视生命中的各个层面，就可以发现我们在睡梦中，或在意念和情绪中，如何一再重复与各种中阴相同的过程。

不管是生是死，在意识的各种层次中，我们一次又一次地历经各种中阴境界的过程。而中阴教法告诉我们，正是这个事实提供了我们无限解脱的机会。教法显示，中阴的特性、形式和独特的过程，提供给我们的，不是解脱的机会 ，就是继续迷惑的可能。因为整个过程的每一部分，同时交给我们解脱的机会和迷惑的机会。

中阴教法为我们打开一道门，告诉我们如何走出那无尽的生死轮回、那生生世世反覆不已的无明。更告诉我们，在这个生死不已的中阴过程里，只要能够认证并安住于心性之中，或甚至只要能够对我们的心有某种程度的控制，就能够通过那道门，走向解脱。

禅定的最深目标，是为了能够安住在本觉的状态中，藉以体悟不管心中生起什么意念都只不过是本觉的展现，如同太阳和它的百万光芒是一体而不可分离的。诚如泽理纳哲朗措对于法性中阴的描述：「对于任何现象的生灭或好坏的执著，都是你的心。这个心……本身就是法身的自我光芒。」
当你在本觉的状态中时，当意念和情绪生起时，你要正确地认证它们的本来面目和来源；如此，则不管生起的是什么，都是那个智慧的自我光芒。不过，如果你失去了本觉原始的，纯净的觉察力，而无法认证生起的一切，它就跟你分开，有所区隔了。它会继续形成我们所谓的「念头」或情绪，这就是二元对立的产生。为了避免这一点及其结果，就要像泽理纳哲朗措所说的：「不要执著意念的生起，不要由此形成概念，不要接受或拒绝它们：这就是法性中阴的修行法要。」

Love was never taken away

Dearies

I thought offering you a leaf from our marriage would help u deal with your own relationships.

I have been feeling giddy n daddy never asked me how I was till today.

Then when he did, he says all I need is a massage.

I said I need love.

Daddy says love was never taken away from me.

And I think my replies r full of wisdom:

Love must blossom, grow n strengthen to nourish a family. And, it needs to b expressed. I think the level of expression, understanding n communication could have been better. Only then can there b some kind of natural appreciation . ESP with kids, only when we r at harmony, the love will flow n nourish them naturally. You need to show it to me n to the kids. Then they will show us. Basic things like kissing gd night or saying I love u. Like showing care n concern. We all want to b loved dearly. It’s just that simple.

We have to learn to keep a dating relationship alive. That is the basis or foundation of our other roles as parents, husband n wife, soulmates etc

The world is so big , but it is oso so small Bcoz we only have each other ultimately.

Spinning head n realization

My head is heavier than the rest of the body.
It has been spinning since Sunday . The balance inside me can tip anytime, sometimes when I lie down. Sometimes when I m sitting. Sometimes when I m standing. I seem to be falling sideways.
There seems to be a clutch somewhere , locking me.
My breath is heavy.
My eyes r droopy.
I m panting n sleepy.
I m So so so tired.
Feels like I m going to shut down.

It’s been such a long while since I felt this way.
What is happening? Why?

As I search for answers, an inner voice asked my to search inwards:

-have I taxed myself too much? I have not taken good care of myself, I did not listen to my body whilst taking care of children.
For some time, I felt quite alone at managing the kids
I think I need help from the daddy to share my load. Yes!

– what is thrown off balance ? I guessed the anger got the better of me. Anger towards daddy’s ways n his lack of explanation n communication with me.

I think I used up too much energy unwittingly.then I was Distressed at not being understood.
Deep down, my desire is for daddy to b caring to me. To be gentle n understanding just like when we were dating.

No wonder when I visited ah ma, she reminds me, that I should reach a consensus with daddy that daddy should b fully understanding of me n take better care of me than before.

-then awareness told me to stop worrying n just use awareness : observe that, befriend that feeling

-I m not going to use the same reactions as that of the past

– it’s coming full circle: I m just acquainting with it one last time n I m going to use my resolve to face it unlike the past

Thank u spinning head.
For strengthening my practice! I m determined .

Change

There was one day when I felt a change in my body.

that change was gentle as can be, nonetheless , I felt it

I feel my body opening up, changing for the better.

Loving it

Words of Wisdom

If you met you, will you like you

If u want something u have never had, then u have to do something u have never done.

U will find that it is necessary to let things go : simply for the reason that they r heavy.

To b outstanding , get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

If in ten years, you were to look at yourself today, what would you change?

To become optimistic, practice being optimistic. To become brave, practice daily bravery. Etc

You become like the five people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely.

Whatever comes up for you, just be open n present to it and let it go.

Do u have time to listen to yourself ? Your suffering? Your difficulties n your deepest desires?

Don’t let yourself be controlled by three things: your past. people. money.

帮不到的，我们学会祝福。
回不去的，我们学会接受。
得不到的，我们学会知足。
放不下的，我们学会看透。

Get out of your own way

When you find yourself facing obstacles that appear to be blocking you from your goals, it is important to try not to get discouraged. It can be easy to feel “stuck” or that “life” is creating circumstances preventing you from getting what you want. And while it is easy to look at everyone and everything outside of ourselves for the problem, perhaps even wanting to “get rid” of the person, object, or circumstance we may feel is blocking us, sometimes the best course of action to take may be to look inside ourselves first.

It is amazing how often we can get in our own way without even being aware that we are doing so. Even though we truly want to succeed, there are many reasons why we may sometimes block our own efforts. It may be that we are afraid to succeed, so we subconsciously create circumstances to keep ourselves stuck. Or it may even be that we are afraid that we will succeed, so we block ourselves by making the achievement of our goals more difficult than they really are. We may even approach our goals in a way that keeps creating the same unsuccessful results.

If you believe that you’ve been standing in your own way, you may want to take a piece of paper and record how you’ve done so. Write down the choices you’ve made that have hindered your efforts and the fears that may have prompted you to make these decisions. Take note of any thoughts and feelings that arise. It is important to be gentle and compassionate during this process. Try not to blame yourself for getting in your own way. Remember the choices we make always are there to serve us, until it is time to let them go. When you are finished, throw the paper away while setting an intention that you are getting rid of any obstacles you’ve created to block yourself. You can then let yourself start again with a clean slate. Doubts and fears are going to be natural, but with this new awareness, you should be able to prevent yourself from subconsciously thwarting yourself. Besides, now that you’ve decided to get out of your own way, the part of you that has always wanted to succeed can now do so.

日落。经过

昨天看到这一段：
困难困难，困在家里就难。
出路出路，出去走走就有路。

昨天带两个宝贝去机场走走，就有此收获。
在赶着送乘客回家的巴士上，我拥有一刻沉淀的时间。

回家的路上，在巴士上看到斜阳。

突有所感。

看到新闻中有些关于饮食的消息，很想参与。很想报道，做发布的那个人。有些美味，看了，蠢蠢欲动。我也可以是那个品尝的人。

我曾经是。

谁会知道？谁会体会到我一样的心情？

然后看到怀中熟睡的怀皓。
想起他的笑。
一个笑，更值。抵过各种美味。
然后看到斜阳。就像太阳见证过一天的演变和发生。

不用谁记得。不需要其他额外的acknowledgement。

自己经验过的，就像太阳一样。并不是日落了，就是没有了。

＜西藏生死书＞有此一句：你总得吃睡拉，这些都无可避免。此外，其他的就不干你的事了。— 贝珠仁波切

5 months

22日，怀皓5个月了。

怀皓迈向5个月的时候，尝试许多新东西。

除了第一次去佛堂感受卫塞节的热闹，还去raffles city shopping，并且去fairmont hotel staycation。第一次游泳！

隔一天，再去marina bay sands hotel和ah tin 阿姨和davina staycation。

在mbs逛逛后，ah tin阿姨还抱你玩水！

这个时候的怀皓，喜欢在早上醒来时咿咿呀呀讲话。最爱他的笑容，骂他他也笑。

长大了也要这样哦！我们大人真得学学才是！

看他在床上flip，之后屁股会凸起，大力推。高高抬起屁股，试图向前挪移。

这是庚延舅舅买给你的鞋

5月30日这天，老板批准我半年无薪假的申请。
我对着怀皓说谢谢。
谢谢他给我的力量。启发。
Suddenly I m set free. Actually I freed myself . I feel poorer in the pocket all at once but the heart feels much fuller. And actually, more correct n in line with the self. Hence, less fearful n more lighthearted!

这个时候的怀皓，睡觉的姿势很可爱！

这个时候的怀皓喜欢看故事书。尤其是The Apple，他边听边踢脚，到了最后一页，还会咿咿呀呀讲话！

这个时候的怀皓
躺在粉红椅子上头也会抬高
在床上则在我不注意的时候会一个劲翻过来！

回头看，实在很难相信，我可以全职全天候照顾bb。也觉得怀皓也许会因此比沁芝更自信更有安全感。

6月2日这一天，怀皓整夜不睡，230am到630am都睡不下，早上放在粉红躺椅他睡，我跟着摇。一整夜，我跟着只睡一两个小时。

最近怀皓的睡觉时间比较固定，大约是晚间8、9点，然后早上5点多喝奶后就醒，早上9点睡。

他最近不太喜欢抱着睡，拒绝睡，总是用手指抓、捏我的颈项，痛得要命！

但他喜欢在躺椅上看窗帘飘啊飘，然后高兴得手脚忙一阵。我说＂皓皓高兴！＂他就笑得更灿烂！

快乐是如此简单。皓皓不管多大都要记得这样是快乐。

还有冲凉的快乐！

怀皓用嘴巴探索，已经有一段时间。最近更是什么都放到嘴边，而且就连我，他也要舔，总是张嘴要舔我的颈项。

皓皓学爬，我见证了他的每一步。
很发人深省。先是翻转过来的兴奋—-用另一角度看世界。

之后是勇于挑战，拿出各种绝活，跃跃一试

但不可能那么容易。试了很多次，也只有那么一两回是前进的。于是累了。

但仍是不愿被打倒。更用力。

但不是尝试了、用力了就有收获。于是，开始烦躁不解生气懊恼

人生有多少事，也一模一样？

这一天，我们带怀皓出去买冰箱，不像是姐姐那样，出门都德士代步，怀皓搭巴士

给怀皓accesorize一下

才说抓住他活动睡觉的时间，他又开始变！现在是凌晨2、4、6时起床喝奶，要不就是凌晨2时醒来玩至5时。加上最近又不爱抱着入睡，更学会用喉咙底的声音嘶吼不满。

半夜抱着闹情绪的怀皓很累，喂奶也会睡着，但看着他睡觉时绽放笑容就立刻醒了，一起笑着！

超喜欢看皓皓睡醒之际伸展肢体的样子！

it is vague yet not. Huaihao so v sound asleep on my left shoulder , my head tilted leftwards tucking him in, snug n tight. Then i hear a voice telling me, how beautiful! And i think i caught hold of something eternal in those fleeting moments.

皓皓喝奶时，感觉好像是我在给他。但事实上，看着他熟睡沉稳的样子，很自在，反而像是有一股力量从他流向我。

我想起之前art的时候画的一幅画，我原本的用意是我在牵引皓皓，但出来的效果却是皓皓在指引我。事实也是如此。

但有时候看看皓皓，会萌生对沁芝的愧疚之情。当初没有选择像是皓皓这样照顾她，也许也造就了她现在的个性。但一切也不只是我的决定使然。当时的处境和现在不同，当时的智慧和现在不同。觉得很难受的时候，突然有一把声音说，原谅自己原谅过去，一切都是因缘和合。现在开始改变，还可以有进步，有心根本不用怕迟。

突然间，感觉心地开阔了一些，有另一片天。

这一天，我们带婆婆姨姨davina去吃自助餐

皓皓最近好爱舔我！你看！

这一天，公公来看皓皓。上次他来，皓皓觉生疏哭了，这次比较好，跟公公玩，说了好多话！我在想，其实周末就该把孩子抱去娘家，让孩子们有周末探长辈的习惯。

6月12日，皓皓会爬了！我能捕捉到这一刻，感觉很满足！

你学爬的时候，每一步、新的一步都困难。mommy在一旁为你加油，很高兴，有这个机会见证，而不是在其他地方忙其他事情。很高兴，你因为我的鼓掌，抬起头来。

最近给怀皓吃teether
因为他到处乱吃乱舔，用嘴巴探索正热！

15日这天，mommy带着皓皓和满满的兴奋，第一次两人一起出去了。目的地是fairmont的staycation。过程，mommy选择搭地铁！

之前的心情很紧张，但我一直想尝试自己带孩子出去，就像许许多多的妈妈一样背着。我想挑战自己。跨越自己，纵然很累很麻烦。

因为我知道我是可以的！

之后带皓皓去小逛一下，去吃cedele。对我来说，相当有象征意义。

然后他在浴缸玩水

这一天，带皓皓去maison kayser

去isetan超市看到人多，有些不知所措，哭了起来。隔天又去圣淘沙的acquarium，但他睡全程。

18日带沁芝皓皓去pasir ris，这是皓皓3个多星期来再回到这里。

还好来了，才知道原来这三星期单独照顾皓皓，原来是多么了不起的一件事。是make such a big difference的一件事。因为皓皓要找我。

我去洗澡时他会哭要我。任凭姨姨婆婆怎么逗弄，他都要我。我洗澡出来一抱他他就不哭。

真有满足感！

有种输了世界，但赢了他，大赢的感觉。

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对了，这是沁芝姐姐5个月时候的样子，那时候mommy回去上班。

4 years 4 months

6月19日
沁芝今天4岁4个月了！

这个月里，沁芝尝试了许多新东西。
比如卫塞节，点灯、浴佛的仪式。带沁芝到居士林，让她参与，并且告诉她，这是象征性仪式，浴佛也代表清静自己一身一心。

 

又如到酒店staycation

5月份去一次，6月中旬再安排一个。

这是沁芝每次和daddy去吃maison kayser午茶的情景，mommy这一天第一次参与。

沁芝的最爱是chocolate eclair。

但不晓得是不是太燥热，加上游泳着凉，沁芝去了第一个staycation之后就病倒了，5月份病了2次，第二次更严重，居然烧到39.7度，连续4天不退，吓得婆婆夜里不能睡，不断给沁芝擦身，不断看着沁芝。

大人不小心，小孩子就受苦。很多谢姨姨婆婆，她们很欢迎沁芝，生病了就把她要过去，照顾沁芝，给沁芝煮沁芝要吃的东西。mommy在redhill照顾弟弟，反而不能陪伴在沁芝身边，感觉有些不称职。

结果沁芝高烧几天，回去看2次医生，还照x光。但小妮子还是相当活泼，却苦了婆婆，几天跟着没睡担心，不断帮沁芝抹身。

后来沁芝好了，却不吃。一整天不吃不喝。又听到婆婆担心的来电。

后来沁芝终于吃了喝了大便了。婆婆才松口气。

这一天，我们带姨姨婆婆davina一起去享用自助餐。已经半个月没有看到沁芝，她来的时候奔向我。小妮子脸色还是青黄青黄的。胃口也不佳。

6月15日这一天，我们又带着沁芝和皓皓去fairmont staycation。这是沁芝放假以来第一次和我们聚在一起。

我们带沁芝去吃maison kayser eclair，但给她点vanilla的，她却不爱，不吃完。

隔一天和公公去圣淘沙水族馆

就这样，过了一个月。

也许因为有了弟弟，沁芝脾气不太好，regressive的behavior，学婴儿要抱爱哭，又极为妒忌弟弟。

mommy看了，觉得很无力，但又不轻易放弃。我知道沁芝是需要爱和关怀，我可以理解，原本mommy、姨姨婆婆都是她一个人的，现在要学着去分享。

我不会生气不会气馁，我只是会给她更多的肯定和关爱。

Our second staycation

Dearies

If you remember, We went for our second staycation at the Fairmont in June !

Mommy brought Huaihao on the mrt for the first time n then qinzhi came from pasir ris

We had dinner at prego’s

Huaihao did his usual swim in the tub

And so did qinzhi

It’s been a while since we had some time together as family
It was tiring but worth it