0

COMO Ubud April 2018

躺在池里仰望

IMG_2149

看见的天空

蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然

IMG_2131

争争向上

阳光美好

鸟儿在空中追逐嬉戏

美好            很美好

叶落     跟妈妈的离去一样。不多不少。多出来的不舍是因为我们拥有一些共同记忆

都是自然规律

妈妈和叶落,和小鸟,和植物

躺在池里仰望

看见的天空

蓝一片              有白云

树高高 植物往内侧 绿意盎然

争争向上

阳光美好

鸟儿在空中追逐嬉戏

美好            很美好

IMG_2151

原来我错过那么多

是美好唤醒的

这么美 如果没有自然,没有生生落落,也就没有妈妈没有我没有现在

原来我这么无知,老拘泥过去,活在过去,差点儿就要死在过去里了

太傻了

太自大太自以为是

太愚蠢

怎么不把握眼前的美好?现在这一切?

有多了不起啊

这是何其的恩赐和赐给

好好接受这赐给

好好感受和体验这赐给

我相信这不是偶然

我可以分享或者说pass on这赐给

因为不是也不需与自然搏斗或抗衡

没有所谓控管

而是顺应自然,与自然协作,与自然为伍

下午瑜伽,看到眼前的树,高高大大,不是肥肥,却依然矗立、毅力。

不是很粗的树深,可以长得很高,可以继续拥抱风雨日晒。

fc4e20ba-b60c-4914-b568-452fe3a5916c

为什么?

因为树根深深根植在大地上

grounded

往内深

因为没有要控制或征服什么。

躺着录下time lapse,原本是想扑捉鸟儿飞舞,却看到云

云被风吹过

慢动作

让我想起老师的问题:妈妈去世了,你最想跟她说什么?

我才记得

我当时来不及舍不得

都一直在照顾别人的感受

原来还有一些话,没有跟妈妈说,想跟妈妈说:

亲爱的妈妈,好舍不得你。

你辛苦了。

its so painful

I m in pain

It is so hard to see you go let you go

We didn’t even have a proper conversation 

There are so many things we haven’t discussed we haven’t done

But I do not have the chance anymore 

I feel regretful

晚上,在飞机上看Life of Pi,男孩和老虎在海上漂流许久,最后靠岸,老虎离男孩儿去,男孩摊在沙滩上,被人抬走后,哭着。

“Richard Parker (老虎)left me so unceremoniously”

应该好好告别的。

那才是圆满。

对了。这是COMO Ubud让我最舒服最喜欢的地方

IMG_2236

My favorite spot in COMO Ubud, would be the yoga pavilion which overlooks the lush and verdant valley below. Here’s where we observe the practice of yoga in the morning and late afternoons. Brought over “The Pleasures of Eating Well” to read.

Played with an ant. Got the wind, the greens, birdsong , the rush of the waters below, the quiet and arrive at the here and the now.

IMG_2327

 

Advertisements
0

精神不能萎缩

精神不能萎缩。

“不是报纸杂志没有了,而是慢慢萎缩,但萎缩的是纸,不是做新闻的机构,转型才是最大的考验。”——- 黎智英

0

Shiro Tsujimura

Shiro Tsujimura is the creator of Japan’s most beautiful tea bowls. I didnt know what I was in for, I didnt know we were going to his house, much less, having lunch prepared by the man himself.

IMG_7150

And this became one of the most powerful meals I have in my life.

We sat down and chatted. We were in his house in Nara, this he built from materials in the forest. He said, “the only thing i bought were the glass for the windows.”

There was a fireplace, he boiled water from. When it was time for lunch, he added a grill, and toasted the wagyu, then sliced off the top parts, dipped in a sauce and served our plates.

His wife was preparing food in the kitchen , we could hear the sounds of oils popping on the pan, but so gently.

She brought out food and more food, softly. Gently.

There was always a smile, on their faces, even in the midst of preparing food. We spoke, I have too many questions I need him to address, I didnt have time to listen to the translation on his answers, I fired.

I didnt understand what he said, but i seemed to know and I had to cry.

IMG_6994IMG_6995IMG_7023IMG_7045

We ate from the bowls derived from his creative processes. These bowls, when they came out of the kiln, would be placed on the ground in the hills he lived in.

These pieces would receive rain, wind, sun, dust, scattered on the hills.

IMG_7225IMG_7132

Letting an act of man ferment in the nature’s elements and allowing nature to nurture man’s work.

IMG_7186

He says, “I don’t really like the term of “art”…When other people look at it, it’s art to them, but… To me, it’s part of my life, and everything is the same. If you look at the writing on the wall, I think it is a buddhist thinking, it means literally “not knowing”. IMG_7123

“When the monk asked me what will happen after death, I replied that I don’t know, and I really don’t know. So what will you do when you die? I really don’t know. What I know is I only want to do things that I like during the time when I’m alive. So when you die, whether it’s the end or whether there’s heaven after that, there are religions with answers to that. But actually, it really matters down to what you can do during the time when you are alive. I really like this idea of ignorance is bliss.  ”

We spoke about beauty, and what this means to him.

“Beauty is a very difficult concept. Dirty things can also be beautiful, for example, when people look at this, they might think it looks dirty, but I think it is beautiful. I think different people have different concepts of beauty, because it depends on each individual. A bowl that can be looked at for hours for its beauty, that’s what I hope to make. Something fascinating is this space inside the bowl, something that exists in the bowl.”

IMG_7138

We spoke about perfection or rather, the imperfection of it.

“Perfection is a little different. Perfection is more of a concept by imperialism and China, which depends on a degree of likeness. But for Japan and Korea, the beauty of imperfection is what we aspire to achieve. This might be unique to the Japanese, but this concept of imperfection has always existed in Korean pottery, and the Japanese thought well of it, which is why we brought in the pottery. I’m not sure how the modern Koreans think now, but during that time, they had this concept of imperfection, and they used the bowls for tea drinking. For pottery making, Japanese people have always seek for the beauty of imperfection, and not perfection.

There are also perfect products, but to me, I don’t really like them.”

And what is important in life?

“The important thing, is to do something that you like. It is not listening to someone, but continuing to believe in what you want to do. Of course, I would like to make something that people would like to use. It is not so much of a message, but I would like people to enjoy using the bowl, with the same feelings that I have.”

He was into painting, but a temple stay changed his path completely.

“I was at the temple for the purpose of meditating. About 3 years. I was meditating, and they had this kind of bowl which they ate with, such as ramen. The monk commented that meditation is similar to the process of bowl-making. I then began to have interest in making the bowl, and it slowly developed into my interest in pottery. The process of bowl-making is similar to meditation, with your thoughts free.

Spiritually, they are similar. Whether mediation or making a bowl or two, it takes the same spirit and mind to do it.”

IMG_7140

The bowl is a representation of space and the mind, and I find the tea bowl very interesting. Till Now, I m still making them. It’s not really the art form, but a form of lifestyle. I want to continue making tea bowls.

IMG_7182

When you finished making a bowl, you start to think of making a better one, so you end up with making thousands of them. So it is actually wanting to make a bowl at a time, and then making another, and another…

IMG_7184

For him, the most enjoyable time…  is forming the shape at the potter’s wheel…

IMG_7174

He says, “The difficult part about Japanese pottery is, if you get better in your skills, your product will become boring.  So you do not try to perfect your skills, but try to create what you want. I think this is difficult, because it is not something that you can work hard for.

You cannot neglect your own feeling and just focus on making a perfect product. Following your feelings, your skills will also improve.”

The advice is awesome for anyone into craft and creation.

IMG_7109

He has about 7 little workshops on his little hill stead. Each is devoted to a different art form.

IMG_7211IMG_7214IMG_7222

IMG_7199

His son followed his path, remarkably, without being “taught” by the man himself.

According to Kai Tsujimura, “My dad is not the type to teach a certain thing. Of course I started making pottery because of my dad’s great influence but all along, the pieces were used normally at home…So when we had our meals, we used these bowls and those plates as per normal…My father’s pottery pieces were in our actual lives.. If not for that, I don’t think i would have started making pottery. ”

And when I asked the elder Tsujimura, he said, “the most important thing i have taught my son? No I haven’t. If there is one thing, that is to just “make it”. Make as many as necessary. It is not necessary to think of other matters.  If there is something that he wants to make, just make it.”

IMG_6988

IMG_7228

0

Healing XXXXv

Every time I see teacher , I learn so much.

Most of all, I know that there is a lot of depth and message , a lot of fabric in the every dailiness of life that we often do not navigate, don’t know how to, or —simply don’t bother.

But if you take the time and effort, to nibble on these, life is just wonderful.

I told teacher about my recent trip to Japan, how filled it is in terms of the lessons I learned through the people I see, or don’t see.

I told him about my opportunity to film Saito and how it extended to a pottery master’s filming in Nara, and how I further stayed back to do Memories of Tsukiji.

I told him how and what happened at Shiro Tsuijimura, we went to the pottery master’s home in Nara. I told him how we sat cross legged on the wooden floor in the house he built, and how he served us lunch, how he ran out to get beer, how he chopped up beef and grilled it at the mini fireplace next to him. How he served us each thin slices dapped in in soy, how he made us matcha, all done with a smile on his face that seemed to, no, say——its okay, no matter what happens. Its a smile that is so wide and all encompassing, its a smile of acceptance of what has come and may come .

Anything also okay.

This is totally high level.

We had chatted earlier. He was a painter who found out about meditation in a temple. He stayed in a temple for a few years, then when he left, he switched paths and became interested in pottery.

He said its the process of pursuing meditation in pottery. He doesn’t see what he does as art, but the products—which we call art—are but the results of the process of mediation, that brought him peace.

And what did peace bring him?

“The realisation that one must live in the moment”

The (art) pieces that come out of the furnace, are left in nature, to receive nourishment from sun sand wind, …the whispers of nature and are allowed to mature .

Its seemed like art is finished in nature by nature, to return what is from nature to nature, a complete circle and like, whats right to.

When nature nurses it with a crack, its wonderful, when it gives the art something else, its wonderful as well.

Tsuijimura specifically says that he doesn’t want his pieces to be kept in a gallery or an art place. They just find their way in his home, everywhere. In his homestead he made out of a hill, there are about 6 to 7 workshops each housing a different art form, sometimes calligraphy, sometimes pottery, then there are pieces everywhere on the hill, on pathways, half buried in the ground. Tread somewhere and you’ll find, these tea bowls, reflecting the shigaraki

I shared with teacher, how Tsuijimura’s son turned out to be like his father. Living on another little homestead some 15min away, built his little house, has his little workshop and furnace, does his own art which seemed to be a mirror reflection of his father’s craft.

His father lives on in him, his body, his time, his life.

It brings me to how our children emulate us, and how we mirror our parents and ancestors. Life is a cycle, the children naturally become (us), because this is just what they know and they know not others.

I told teacher this has to be the best meal of my life, because of Tsuijimura’s sincerity and true heart. SO even if I didn’t know what he was talking about in Japanese, I could feel it in his spirit. There is nothing pretentious or contrived. And this is very very precious .

And teacher asked: so what does he remind you of?

I thought of the Dalai Lama, because of his smile, reminded me how the Dalai Lama smiled. But when teacher asked, I actually thought of my grandfather.

I remember sitting on grandfather and kissing him on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his chin. 5 times.

I think it must b the feeling of “being allowed” to do what I like.

I told teacher how —when I came to write about food, I begin to understand how I carried on grandfather.

Grandfather was a Tze char man who used to man a stall of his own outside Da Shi Jie, or Big World, and in those days, singers would finish their performance and eat at grandpa’s stall. There was not a lot of money in the house and a lot of kids to feed, so all his sons would have to help out at the stall. That was how all his sons came to cook better than their wives.

And teacher reminded me,” You see how similar you and your grandpa’s path is, you write and get to meet these a listers in entertainment, he cooks to meet them. Sometimes, our elders’ life can provide an inkling or provide us with a sense of direction as to the course we can chart in our time..“

I know little about grandpa ’s life, other than remembering his funeral which was a big thing then, how the daughters-in-laws would fold josspaper to burn and the sound and music of these big funeral processions would honestly still haunt me,

I just knew that he cooked v well and had signature dishes, and he smoked and could have passed on because of liver failure.

But what else?

Teacher asked?

Somehow, the idea of gambling came to mind.

Was it that?

Teacher encouraged me to find out. That would provide some hints to how our families turn out this way or provide an explanation to why I was fixated on the things that bothered me this way.

Then I told teacher about dining in J, a 3 star sushi place in Tokyo. I thought I was early as lunch is scheduled at 1230hrs, I was there at around 1215 but loitered outside the restaurant to have a look.

When we got in, it was around 1220hrs and we were told to wait, that made me curious, why do we wait?

Then one of the junior chefs came to say:” your lunch appt is at 12pm?”

I said 1230hrs. Then we were brought to sit down, what pursued didn’t give me a good feeling. J’s son who is helming the restaurant, didn’t serve me sushi all the time. He made my sushi, but left it on the chopping board, n his junior chef would then transport it to my plate. The rice was loose and every sushi had wasabi shot up the nose.

The balance was completely off.

One time, the ebi sushi had half the tail off the plate. Sushi wasn’t placed gently, it was harshly thrown on the plate.

I felt wrong, but swallowed it, thinking nothing wrong. At one point, I wanted to say, could you lower the wasabi? But I didn’t.

The sushis were finished under 30min and we were moved to another table to have honeydew, when I was halfway, I found a little hair on the honeydew.

I got a replacement, w ate, paid up and left. Outside, we met the junior chef who changed the honeydew for me, I reminded him that I’ll be coming back for my interview with J at 430pm. To which he said, there were no details of this interview, he is not aware and I should go back to the person who arranged this for me to doublecheck.

The interview is at 430pm and it is 1pm now. The interpreter is on her way and my crew needs to know too.

I finally got an answer at 4pm. That is—the restaurant is fully aware of the interview but this is but their way of rejecting me as I did not have a good experience in the restaurant.

I thought it was the honeydew but it was because I was late. And didn’t knew I was late. His son even thought that the hair on the honeydew was mine.

I thought how unprofessional this restaurant is. I m a paying customer who is late for at most 20min, but I didn’t think I deserve that treatment, interview or no interview aside.

I saw their rigidity but more so, how small their world is.

How can you treat me like that?

But teacher saw something else, he took a pillow and brought it in front of me, letting me express my anger. I beat the pillow n teacher said he saw more.

There were things related to my previous company.

He said.” How can you treat me like that? In front of my brother, you did not give me face. How dare you? Don’t you know who I m?”

He was egging me on to express my inner most thoughts.

I went on to sing this tune and let it off, I felt like slapping him and walking out of the restaurant , throwing the sushi on the floor.

But I slapped the pillow instead, the tears that came down were heavy and solemn.

I had been extremely outstanding as a child.

I was always the first few in class, when I progressed to junior college, I was the only 3 from my secondary school to go to Hwa Chong, even there I excelled.

But when times at home were bad, my morale just fell.

When I went to sph for internship, I never did expect I will get a scholarship. But when I graduated, ,one was the first batch they sent scholars to the evening papers and not ZB, where I felt I had s stronger resonance to.

I thought of the times when as a young reporter, I was always sidelined, because I wasn’t from ST or ZB. I was from Wanbao, and facing a strong veteran reporter as my counterpart.

What could I do?

When I had a chance, I did my best yet the credit was given to someone else. But life rescued me. When there was centralisation of the ops, I was the only one to head off to ZB life.

But there, I didn’t have a lot of gd time with a superior who couldn’t accept the strengths in me and always put me down.

 

Teacher was emphathetic, he could see how those experiences affected me adversely. He felt it crush me I guess, more than I felt for myself.

I told him I always felt I deserve something better, if not the best. I told him I was always the princess at home. My father loved me dearly.

I was chauffeured to school till I was 18years. My parents tried to give me the best when they could afford it. I remember my mother said that to me. My nanny gave me the best.

I deserve the best.

I asked teacher why——So why do I have to go thru this?

To which he said, “for everyone to progress on the spiritual path, he has to experience or be practised in all areas or aspects of life, it is not adequate to just be skilful in one aspect. Plus, imagine you skip all this, what is the person you will become? The princess you will be? ”

A princess built on nothing solid.

“These experiences fulfil you and show you the reality of life, things that you have to know are present.”

Whether I like it or not, choose to see it or not.

I told teacher this is my problems always chose to see things I want to see, happy things, beautiful ones, perfect ones, I find difficulty accepting the not-so-nice sides of life.

“So these experiences, like the sushi master, tell u, about reality, that there are indeed people out there, like this, who are harsh and not nice.

Look at what your experienced in Japan, you saw 2 very extreme ends of authority.  On one side, you see the pottery master, who is zen like in his quest for life, nature nursed him and he returned his affection to nature with his processes. These things touch you, they resonated with parts of you, otherwise they would have gone thru you without leaving you any. And this is the path you want to be on, this you know.”

“Look at the sushi master. He represents the other extreme end of supremacy. He uses his ego to assert his position. ”

And the question that comes to mind——what is the kind of authority I want to be in my field? In my workplace? In my family? In my life?

i told teacher this is something I m trying to work on and work with. In so far as I see, the issue of authority has popped up so many times, wanting me to assert that I m an authority.

In fact in the case of the sushi incident, I was close to spilling out my anger as my authority is confronted.

I told teacher that I have always been afraid to voice out my true opinions and tended to go with the flow. Even if I have true vision of what can be done. But I have always held back my true words, not giving myself voice.

But I m indeed making baby steps to this and trying to change, letting my thoughts air and saying what I feel to contribute opinions.

Teacher asked me what I like to do in future?

To which I said, “In the past I worked on stories hoping to bring light or a spark to others, but now I find satisfaction in events that can come to life, and establishing platforms for masters int heir own field to speak and to affect, hence creating real tangible positive change in the right direction. ”

And which quality would you think will support you in this endeavour?

I need support from the universe, my boss my colleagues and most importantly, my family, my husband.

Teacher went to get me angel cards and encouraged me to draw one.

I got “Balance”.

IMG_8826 2

I knew. Work life balance, family work balance, husband wife relationship balance, parent child balance. This is constant and v real issue in my life.

If I can find balance in almost every aspect of life, I should be able to get my vision accomplished.

I thank teacher as always, his sessions have always been downright insightful and brought me things I wouldn’t have known or thought of.

0

Healing XXXXiv

和弟弟妹妹去了东京,回来后特别累。莫名其妙,好像没有了一个重心。

我很久都没有这么累了。

但是整个行程,都是弟弟妹妹策划安排的,他们开车,我在后面睡觉,钱包交给他们打理,怎么用也无所谓。我什么都没有做到。

就是让他们去。我就做回我自己。

随心:

我们在午夜的东京散步,凌晨时分去吃一蘭拉面,去吃米其林三星的龙吟,去吃了32粒寿司。花了很多钱。生平第一次,这么愿意花钱吃。好奢侈。

奢侈的是——愿意这么做。

给家人,给自己。

奢侈的是这些机会,奢侈的是我们的相遇。我们的缘分。当然,还有这一次的旅行。

但是回来后特别特别特别累。

想去见老师。

放下:

我跟老师说:“弟弟要结婚了,我有一种要把他嫁出去的感觉。有一点emotional。好像舍不得什么。我和弟弟相差8岁,小的时候,虽然我们有帮佣,但小小的我已经懂得喂弟弟吃饭。这次旅行……我就在车后睡觉,太累了,我们在半夜去吃拉面,想做什么就做什么。”

然后就哭了。

老师很sharp,我说出来了也觉得自己,原来在那么小的年纪已经懂得母性,和照顾弟妹,或者说,单扛这件事。

我说,妈妈去世以后,我陷入低潮,在最破碎的时候,是弟弟一句话就了我,他说:“我只有一个大姐。”

老师听了说:“弟弟失去妈妈是很大的打击,他也不想失去你。但你没有发现,这句话对你的意义?”

“妈妈过世的时候,你有没有对她说过这样的话——-比如,你放心地走,我会照顾这个家,照顾弟妹和爸爸?”

当然有。确实是这样说的。

“这些年,你就是信守这个承诺,但是Yen,弟弟要结婚了,他长大了。和以前不同了。你可以让他,不需要再像那些年一样,负责他。可以就像这次的旅行一样,让他们去负起一些责任,去策划去安排,你——可以回来做自己,不顾一切,想做什么就做什么,松懈下来做自己。”

原来是这样:

原来是这样。我没有想到我的累,原来是如此。

就是妈妈去世以后,自己扛下来的担子,这么多年了,我居然没有发现自己一直那么用力用心去信守这个对妈妈的承诺。燃烧自己去那么做。

就是这个累!

所以弟弟要结婚了,不舍得他。

虽然没有为他煮饭洗衣,但就是在用心去确保他好。用心好累!所以他要结婚,好像妈妈一样。一方面在骄傲他的成长,一方面在舍不得他就要离开我的羽翼我的翅膀。好像以前什么事都是我看着,不舍得他要自己去负责这么大的人生。

不舍得他会受伤。

原来是这样:

老师说:“Yen,想象你妈妈的灵魂就在这里,你可以跟妈妈说,妈妈,这些年我做到了我答应你的事。我信守了我对你的承诺。现在弟弟妹妹长大了,我的责任完成了,我现在可以放下这个承诺了。我可以回来我自己这边了。”

原来是这样。

真的也是这样。感觉妈妈肯认了。不拖不欠了。

同事的决定:

我跟老师说,昨天同事决定辞职了。我不知所措。因为我看着她,想到自己,有一部分她很像我,是让她去,还是留下她?

老师说:“其实你不需要想这么多,不然你会很累。会很挣扎。你不需要负起那样的责任,她的成长的责任。我之前提醒过你,不是每一个人都要spiritually awaken,每个人都有自己的一个spiritual journey和pathway,你不知道那会是怎么样的一条路。所以你不需要去担心或者为这个操心。自由安排。”

在公司的环境里,你需要她,你就可以照实说出来,其他的不需要想的太多。

我把我写给同事的电邮念出来,也把同事的回复念出来。看她写的电邮回复的时候,我突然有了答案,那就是———让她去。

让她去走她得走的路,trust the process.

让她寻找自己。这就是她需要的。这才是她需要的。

只是念到她的文字的时候,我真的很感动,再一次体验到文字的感染力,和承载情绪的力量,同事妹妹说:“你是我打从心里喜欢和想学习的对象。你要加油,继续做一盏灯。”

读到这里,真的真的很辛苦,好像从很深的地方有一个我在愤怒,在嚎啕。是呻吟,是愤慨,是感慨,是不满,是这一切,混在一起。

我说,我不要做明灯,为什么我要做明灯?我懊悔着过去,我怎么把我的生命我的时间花在做一盏灯,这样的一件事上面。时间不能重来了。我不要,我只要妈妈回来。

我懊悔失去的光阴,自己的愚蠢愚昧。

但我也明白,这是我必须走的路。不然怎么来到这里。

呻吟时的痛楚难耐,我想到khadro-la,看到她的脸。仿佛好一些。

那大大的哭,让我手脚耳朵都麻痹了。原来我都没有在听,没有在过生活,只是努力在负责人,努力在做一盏灯,努力在燃烧自己在给,在奉献,用我的生命我的灵魂去做这样的事情。

然后在自己周边的生命中,也努力让自己是灯的事被照见,希望别人也成为灯。

有错吗?没有。

还要这样吗?很确定————不要。不需要。没有了这个担子,可以更轻松。自在。我向往这样的自在。轻盈的。

老师就让我哭。一阵以后,说:“我要你把双脚踩在地上,感觉到土地。感觉到有一股力量在支撑你。

有两件事,我想要帮你做,第一个就是,你必须必须,放下你对妈妈的承诺,你已经做到了,弟弟妹妹长大了,他们可以为自己负责,你不需要扛那么多的东西在身上。放下这一些,回来给自己。做回彬雁,我看到的是,你一直在给,一直在给。你干枯了,但有一部分的你,是多么需要被滋养,你也有需要的,也需要被照顾。Remember to Breathe! Air is free.”

灯:

老师说:“其实灯是这样,它自然而然就是亮的。没有刻意去做什么。”

但是为什么你做灯做了会累?应该不会的啊?有没有发现——灯不需要刻意做什么,它亮起来的时候,自然能够照亮他人。点亮他人。

————所以把自己照顾好,你做好自己的时候,自然而然能够照耀身边。

你给妈妈给家人的承诺,让你扛起很多背负很多,可以了。可以放下了。是时候回来自己的身边。

循环:

我很老师说,我的生命出现循环了,为什么?上次是香港的米其林晚宴,写电邮,这次打电话。上次是谢霆锋,这次是蔡依林,上次是一天过后收到他要参加的回音。这次是两个小时之后接到她要参加的讯息。

怎么会这样呢?生命要我学习的是什么?

老师说,第二次的发生,和上一次那么的相像,因为我把上一回的经历投放在未来了,一些未了的能量,所以衍生出第二次。

我说,但是第二次就是一个机会,让我可以有新的对待和处理方式。我可以突破。

老师说:“对!”

如果你可以有很高度的觉察能力,就能在事情发生的当下,观察得到自己的心情和情绪,然后高度aware地说:“这次不同。”

不断不断地提醒自己————这次不同。

钱:

我告诉老师,我不想重复上一次,比如,上一次免费,这次,我想收费。弟弟妹妹都说,这是额外的要求,老板要你做,你不需要做。

但我就是想。

我觉得可以这可以是一种亮点,可以是一种感动。

至于钱,你问我钱重要吗?它会给我造成改变吗,不会,但我要收费,因为不想让老板顺理成章觉得,这事得来容易。

老师又找到重点了:“为什么钱对你不重要呢?”

爸爸负债的时候,我给他很多钱,但我完全不知道那些钱去了哪里?我不想知道。

老师问:“怎么你都你不想知道?”

我说因为生气、很生气!很生气很frustrated,家里要扛的已经很多了,我不想再知道什么,我没有能力handle。shut off shut out!

老师说:“对!你有没有发现,你把钱equate with anger,frustration,所以钱怎么会来找你呢?你看到自己对金钱的判断了吗?

钱其实也是abundance的一种,但你就在shut out abundance。”

难怪我花钱花得那么多。去年薪水多了,但好像存不到什么钱。

老师说:“之前处理父亲债务问题这一块,牵扯到你生命中很多东西,是你必须要解决和解开resolve的。”

我说钱是我生命中的一大主题,好小的时候,衣食无忧,有一台钢琴一台电子琴。20岁的时候,家境清寒,陷入最低潮。

老师说:“你有没有发现,小时候无忧,不用知道钱,长大了最糟糕的时候,你也不知道钱,现在做生意,也不知道。但这些都是学习,都可以是spiritual practice,你的,就是如何把钱和creative结合在一起。你这么creative,你一定能有这方面的inspiration”

为什么会对金钱来说那么不在意?

我说,就像这次去日本,钱包整个交给弟弟妹妹,爱怎么拿就怎么拿。我没有概念。我说最近做了几单生意,也没有特别去追酬劳。

老师说,钱是来serve你的,但你对它就是有blockage,你就把它shut out了。试试看把皮包里的钱拿出来,摸摸它,看看有没有感觉。

我说没有。

我就在那一刻知道什么是shut out,什么是numb。因为我对金钱就是numb。之前它似乎带给我的都是苦痛。不只我,可能很多人都因为它苦痛。

我相信老师会说,这是因为我这么看它,所以会牵扯出这样的人生这样的造化。

老师说:“你相信我,你父亲绝对不会是那种一天早上睡醒,就说,好,我要刻意做这件事,破坏我的家庭。你爸爸不会这样的。他不会是开心的。相信我。究竟他的生活中发生什么事,让他做了以后的事?我们不知道,还需要去追究吗?追究能带来什么?事情过了这么久。

我们在处理这些不堪的往事时,可以这样理解,就是,情绪上出现一些事情,但是他没有能力去判断,然后有更大的一股能量推动他,让他做了如他那样的事。”

老师问:“可以不可以坦白告诉我————你觉得你原谅父亲了吗?”

我说没有。

听到老师说,我突然领悟到,原来我对父亲的不原谅,是一种对他的惩罚,是一种反抗和堵气。这是我从没有感受到的领悟。

我理解到,我实在生很大的气,然后反抗,报复式的————你的所作所为伤害了我,影响了我,造就了我,给我这么痛苦不堪的人生,所以,我也要让你痛苦难过。

我很不愿意去看这样的自己,但事实上,我是这样。这样,而且一直以来,都花了这么多的时间在过我的人生。

然后那些灯啊、美好的,完美的,都是为了掩饰这一些黑暗的我。虚伪。造作。

我是这样没错。

需要这样批判自己吗?还要鞭挞自己吗?————不需要。因为不能带来什么好处。

老师听了,点头。

但是你也在惩罚自己。

我提到一段。

我记得有一回写报林西施的专栏后,表姐来电,说了一轮,告诉我曾经在外头看到爸爸和其他女人在一块。我还记得表姐说,她上前去说我爸爸,但我爸爸反而要她管自己,警告她,不要对妈妈说。

后来一次,和姨妈谈起,好像也说了相关的事。

那样的透露,对我来说是很大的冲击很大的打击。完全破坏了我对父亲,特别是妈妈经营的,父亲高大完好的形象。

——写到这里我才明白,我也是这样在经营我的形象。

我记得有一段青春期的时间,爸爸很晚回家,妈妈站在窗前看,有没有车子开进来,然后深夜打电话给爸爸,无奈又生气,几乎是哀求地问——你在哪里?为什么还不回来?我在等你你知道吗!

仿佛昨天。

这些都刻印在我的心坎里了。好难。

我想把这些不满说出来,我想问,但我又不想妈妈难过伤心,我不想破坏表面上的和谐平静。我不想拆穿谎言,看到破碎、裂痕、伤痛。

小的时候,和青春期,我都看到妈妈在给,爸爸在拿。对比之下,都在替妈妈不值,所以一直以来,一直在替妈妈惩罚爸爸,我不原谅,不能原谅,不要原谅。

我对老师说,长大了,我当然明白,两个人的情感这件事,但what about the deeper promises that has been made?what about the things that has been said? why is there deceit and betrayal? where did the love go?

我说父母的经历影响了我对这些比较深的core values的想法,比如说promise这件事。我看得很紧,如果我答应了,我就要做好,有责任做好。完成我的承诺。

老师说:“让我从另一个角度说给你听,其实在一定程度上,你的父母的相遇还有结合,已经是一个灵魂与灵魂上面的合约,他们已经信守并且完成了对对方的承诺。如果你相信灵魂会轮回,他们的相遇本身就是前一世带来的,他们可能有一些未完成的,所以这一世相遇,manifest出发生的一切,完成了。他们之前的一切发生也是为了另一个原因,另一个bigger lesson”

老师建议:“我相信你爸爸经过这一切,也不是快乐的,你妈妈的去世也是。但是如果你可以从这些事情的发生去理出一些东西,自己可以从中学到什么?领悟到什么,就能make good这一切一切的发生。”

我说:“真要这样吗?一定要这么决绝的事情发生让人学习吗?”

老师说,尽管他很不愿意这么说,事实如此。他也希望人不需要经过那么多的苦难,但事实是,苦难中学习。

突然想到经文,原来经文如此美好。如此慈悲,如此有智慧。

老师提出一个要点,要我好好听————家里不是法院,你不是法官,不需要下判。这样的处理方式行不通。

理性上我能了解。

不会拿:

我说我最近跟老板要了一瓶酒,想试试看,结果老板真的给了我一瓶好酒,但我也不会去拿。

老师说,老板给你了,你就应该拿,这就是一种acknowledgment,过后要怎么做是另一回事。

为什么我不会拿,为什么我一直给?

写着写着突然明白————小时候我看到妈妈等爸爸,爸爸跑路的时候,我看到妈妈承受一切,我看到妈妈生病的时候,爸爸居然说她还没好他不能去开德士那一类的话。我很生气。怎么你都没有照顾我妈妈?

我一直看到妈妈在付出,爸爸错了一次又一次,妈妈还是愿意给,还是那样在爱,在包容。为什么要包容。

然后我开始明白,为什么我一直给,不会拿?因为我妈妈就是这样,我只会这样,我在重复她。

但原来我不需要重复她。我可以有自己的轨迹。

老师说,如果你不学会拿,也很难会给。你不懂得给自己,又怎么会懂得给别人?

做自己:

原来我不需要这样。这样,不能serve我。我只是在毫无awareness的情况下,重复了刻印到我身上的价值、行为、处事作风。

但这些都不是我。

所以不能成就我。

老师说,他要帮我的另一件事,就是学会去看金钱,接触金钱。学会去照顾自己的需要,知道自己也需要,学会收获。

“试试看再拿钞票出来,感觉有没有改变?”

有哦,而且好像有花香的感觉。

老师说:“一般把钞票送出去的时候,我都会bless一下钞票————但愿收到你的人,也接到祝福。你想想,多好!还能把祝福送出去,这就是把情绪和判断转了转。

Yen, 你很有创意,你的创意是源源不绝的,abundance。根本不需要去做什么都已经有很多的创意,你可以创意地对待人生。”

用创意去跨越,去突破过去,甚至用创意去原谅,用创意去做自己。

老师说:“learn to acknowledge yourself, each time you do a sales, pat yourself and say well done, i want you to learn to be grounded, each time you have the awareness to say, this time its different, breathe, let nature integrate you.”

老师说,要紧系大地,大地能够给很坚实牢固的力量。要记住。

然后问:有什么东西,是能够support你的滋养你的?比如宗教、绘画等。可以去找这些做一做,因为你需要被滋养。

然后老师给了我一个拥抱。

“i’ll be here to support you.”

谢谢老师,帮我整理,帮我找到自己的footing。好累,原来我用我的生命去重复别人,因为没有awareness。

够了。

我想用创意去感怀去感谢这一切带来的启发带来的智慧,现在起,学会了解自己,做是自己的自己。

好多年前,马来西亚歌手阿牛接受访问后,就写了这样的一段文字给我————彬雁,努力做好自己,做是自己的自己。你现在,最关心什么?

 

 

 

 

0

The Pope’s Message

“You can have flaws, be anxious, and ever angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a road without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stage of fear, love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness.It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures.It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity. Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves. To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny’s author. It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul. It is to thank God for every morning, for the miracle of life. Being happy is not beig afraid of your own feelings. It’s to be able to talk about you. It is having the courage to hear a “no”. It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified. It is to kiss your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us. To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. It is to have maturity to be able to say: “I made mistakes”. It is to have the courage to say “I am sorry”. It is to have the sensitivity to say, “I need you”. It is to have the ability to say “I love you”. May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness … That in spring may it be a lover of joy. In winter a lover of wisdom. And when you make a mistake, start all over again. For only then will you be in love with life. You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life. But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpter serenity. Use pain to plaster pleasure. Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence. Never give up …. Never give up on people who love you. Never give up on happiness, for life is an incredible show. ”

(Pope Francisco).

0

Healing XXXXiii

IMG_2046

好久没有去找老师了,但是看到老师,还是有一种非常非常亲切的感觉,他就是一个那么懂我的人。

我想找老师,因为想总结一下这一年。

一踏进房间,就看到这幅画面,都是我需要的东西。把关好的手机拿出来,慢慢拍,老实说,别急,我说,慢下来这件事,就是很多人不晓得。

老师笑了。

我说不知道从哪里说起,说什么,老师说:“一个可以配合这个时节做个总结,另一个,就是完全surrender yourself”

听到后者的时候,我完全就知道自己输了。那就是我需要的。

和老师说了团队的离开,是不是我的管理出了问题,不懂得管理?老实说:“我要你做这个练习,想想其他老板怎样,然后其他员工怎样。你是不是已经比起别人好很多了?”

老师提醒,很多东西已经会了的,一般不需要经历。

我明白他的话,我现在做这个工作,就是因为要我去学习当老板,也不是,但就是学习去承认自己就是authority。

而不是去把power给掉。

老师说,我在讲的时候,感觉到了我的愤怒,所以他立刻把我slow down,帮助我处理情绪。他说,很多时候,我们因为学佛,所以尝试换个角度去看东西,但可能在这个过程当中,没有处理情绪。

情绪没有被处理,收在里面,很容易在往后在周围吸引到同一类的人事发生,对我不好,所以一定要把它释放掉。

老实说,可以感觉到:“我对你这么好,为什么你背叛我?”

我跟老师说,我从来没有以老板身份压人,总是以一个长辈的态度去劝说,但是无效。老师的引导下让我看到,原来我把自己的渴望,特别是spiritual growth方面的成长,project在别人的身上了。

因为这是我的投射,并不是他们要的。

他们也是人。也有animal instincts。

我这才知道我得慢下来。我走的太快了。我得ground,因为我面对的大家是人,包括我自己也是。

我提到xtf。以前他的经理人看我的样子,还有他在晚宴上的表演,最终怎么被人吐槽。说到那点,觉得人在做天在看,有时也不需要我动手,老天都会帮我收拾一下。真的是大快人心!

然后谈到每每在工作上碰到瓶颈,没有答案的时候,也会在工作当中找到答案和安慰,就像是宇宙派来的使者一样。

比如robuchon,采访的时候他说:“if you would allow me madame, if you would allow me to offer my opinion, I think chefs these days do not do what they love enough. for myself, if I do not like a certain ingredient, I would not even make a recipe with it.”

还有访问刀王,他说的一段话很让我感动,:“一生人就是包容自己,要堅持,我今天做不到,明天做,明天做不到,我明年再做。我明年做不到,我就是一定要做到 ,做到別人心服口服,這就是堅持和忍耐,要包容好多東西,人家罵你你也得笑著,不是奸笑而是真真正正去面對對方,感動到它,做到了就交到一個朋友了

老实说,因为我在他的身上看到我自己。

看到坚持下去不轻易放弃的自己,看到passion这件事。和他的剪刀一样,铁打出来似的。

还有榴梿树带来的启发。榴梿树原来必须在树皮的部分受到创伤,里头的花蕊才能被揭发,才能在热浪的气候下,开花,结果。

我说,大自然就是切切实实的以最本来的面貌去告诉我们,受伤和开花,不过是一件事的两个面,或者一条直线上前后的关系。

太美了。太美了。这样看到这件事,我觉得很神奇,觉得很幸运,而且就是这样,我再一次被救赎。

我跟老师提起对工作的不确定,但老师认为,我其实很清楚自己要什么,包括采访的感动。老实说,能够从别人的嘴里讲出我要他们说的话,去感动别人, 这个是我的gift

我跟老师提起,给中国制作公司提供的创意概念,就是把大厨带到乡村,去感受民风,发掘朴实的食材,让最伟大的大厨在最朴实的环境中,找到自己。

老师问我为什么重要,我说因为大厨需要啊,在大城市里迷惘,但去到小乡村反而能够看清局面和自己。

我说这些journeys是重要的,我自己也在journey里面获得启发,而且这些可能是lifechanging的。至于村民为什么需要吃米其林大厨的菜?我说那是因为,good food should be made available to people.

我也提到要做买卖的事。老实说,其实金钱这件事也没什么不妥。他举例:“很多高人他们是不缺钱的,”

我完全知道他说什么。

就是,只要你很明确地知道自己的intention,那宇宙就会有助缘的力量。帮你完成。在我看来,我的intention可能clear,但就是对金钱的心态尚未调整过来。

调整过来了,一切就畅通了。那我那些一笔一笔的交易,就不成问题了。

IMG_2051

我问老师,要如何end off the year?

老师建议,回去看看自己这一年来的建树,肯定自己,看看做了什么事等。比如去印度、还有很多我给老师看的视频,那些都感动他了。

老师说:“给自己的肩膀几个拍打,嗯,我做了这件事,嗯我做了那件事……还有,冬至是相当重要的季节,因为就是收获,好好喝家人团聚,谢谢他们给你的支持。”

最后问老师,如何set intention?老实说,依照个人能力去期盼去pray。be gentle with yourself 🙂