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9 Years 7 Months

亲爱的沁芝 你看你,已经婷婷玉立的小姑娘了。 怎么时间去了那么多了? 你好像才刚刚出生。不是吗? IMG_0746 这一天,沁芝怀皓去外公家住。 4db703a2-a53c-4b04-a445-cdeb00e9ccf4 谁在阿姨的床上,也就是mummy以前结婚前睡的。 1f3cbd78-ef80-4a24-aa21-afa0ae44c05f隔天早上有阿姨弄早餐4d663f87-f984-49ea-af23-f368b0764abb4847651a-a17d-4a4e-b618-242309eec99b54616634-ddc2-4d62-80b4-b66fdaec95e2eab3018e-32af-452b-b785-f4a87f61ab3c然后庚延舅舅和舅妈带你们到动物园玩 0ca08851-d6c5-40ef-82c9-c78d5da75a8f25b1447a-6814-46ac-b2fc-14c87766f784 这个时候的沁芝,很爱写字条,虽然有点凌乱,但看得出她可爱顽皮IMG_1712
跟沁芝宝贝说,考试要到了,努力及格,可以顺利升学就好。只是想沁芝不用压力太大,开开心心,健健康康。Love you darling! Mommy结婚十周年的晚上,我们一家开开心心去吃御宝,没想到回来皓皓跟沁芝吵架,daddy大发雷霆。我的十周年结婚纪念就这样。 孩子长大了,有自己的想法了。皓皓原本和daddy在躺躺,沁芝进来,我准备去冲凉,然后就听到daddy嚷嚷,要把皓皓拉出外,沁芝从床上拉下来。 我进来制止。 沁芝说,说好了每人用一天mommy的枕头,结果沁芝昨天让给皓皓,皓皓今天又返=反悔。沁芝说,明天她就去房间睡,不跟皓皓好了。 我尝试打圆场,期间daddy进来几次,都是骂人,把枕头丢出去,丢在大门前。又要把皓皓抱出去。 结果闹了一轮,还是我来收尾。 这就是妈妈的工作吗? 妈妈就做这种事?为了这些事烦恼伤身劳累? 我跟皓皓说,姐姐一直让你,是因为爱你。甚至比mommy更爱你,皓皓呢?可以以相同的方式爱姐姐吗? 说动皓皓,去给姐姐道歉,皓皓哽咽跟着我念:“姐姐,i m sorry, i know you let me have the pillows because you love me, but i hurt you” 沁芝听了大哭,皓皓也边说边哭。 问沁芝,可以原谅皓皓吗?她摇头。 鼓励沁芝说出心里话——是不是因为你已经原谅弟弟很多次了?沁芝点头。 “i have given him many chances” Mommy 尝试劝架。 是不是吵架了就要成为敌人了?翻脸不认人了? 告诉沁芝皓皓,吵架是常常会有的事,daddy 和mommy吵,沁芝和皓皓,或者mommy和皓皓,mommy和沁芝。 那是不是我们就不要对方了?不是的。 我们要从中学习,也给对方和自己学习,学习去原谅别人,学习去说对不起。学习重新面对自己,还有深爱的人。 就是这样,一点一滴,在吵架中学习。 帮沁芝说话:“说出刚刚你想对皓皓说的话!是不是,我很生气你,我不要爱你了,你让我很受伤!你不爱我!” 沁芝说是,点点头。 鼓励他们两个,说两个都有不应该的地方,但是要从中学习,再让皓皓道歉,沁芝心软了。大家和好。 只是,打开门让他们知道,枕头都被丢在门口时,皓皓大哭了起来。他很难过,因为这是他每晚睡觉时的陪伴。 话说回来,两个都是爱对方的孩子,只是有时候难免会杠上。互不相让。 跟皓皓说—你是男生,要懂得礼让,更要懂得照顾沁芝宝贝,她是我的宝贝number 1,一定要照顾沁芝。 怎么都好,希望两人健健康康平平安安,开开心心,和和气气。  
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Healing XXXXix

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Mom left us in 2002.

But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.

In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.

And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.

For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.

The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.

For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.

For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.

She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.

And in my life, these themes were very strong.

These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.

So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?

Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.

When I went into the room, I found it very bright.

Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.

The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.

Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.

I needed to relax.

It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.

I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.

I was not grounded.

Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”

His reply was to the point.

“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”

Oh well, spot on.

I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.

I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.

When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.

This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.

To which teacher smiled.

“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”

Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.

i guess it is because he is so aware.

And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.

Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?

And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.

i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.

The word “Birth” called out to me.

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I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.

I totally didn’t expect this.

So teacher mentioned 2 things:

  1. The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
  2. I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.

Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.

I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.

I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.

But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.

Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.

I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.

Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.

To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”

“i said a mixture of many emotions,  anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”

She had no choice.

Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”

“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . “

I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.

Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”

I pulled the chair close and opposite me .

Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”

I went, or rather my father went, “素云,我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了,但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来,我太愚昧愚蠢。”

I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.

Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”

And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择,我错了,我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗?我请你原谅我,我对不起你。对不起这个家。”

Teacher said, “这些年来,你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦,你也不好受,我希望你能够抬起头来。”

And i did.

Teacher said, “yes. yes”

In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.

Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.

He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.

“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”

This got me v emotional.

I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.

but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,

“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你,生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”

Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.

“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”

And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.

“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. “

And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.

Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.

Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?

“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. “
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.

Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.

Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.

Its painful and we should all resolve this.

I agree.

Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.

i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”

Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.

“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”

i know what teacher is saying.

“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”

When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.

Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.

With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.

The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.

To really let it be free.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Thank you for the teachings!

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要休息

我的灵魂老了。累了。

这次是被什么点燃了这个累?

是不是太相熟的业内前辈去世了。有点突然,不,非常突然。虽然孩子大了,但让我想起妈妈去世了,这位前辈去世,让我想起突然没有妈妈的感觉。

让我回到了没有妈妈的感觉的时候。

所以,已经很久没有感受到这种疲惫的感觉。呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。

没有妈妈的感觉。

然后又听说,朋友的太太得病了。

妈妈生病了。

妈妈生病给我的震撼。

还有阿嬷病了、老了。

我也是妈妈。妈妈病了,孩子就辛苦了,孩子就可怜了。很震撼,很震撼。

很心痛。虽然都不是我非常亲密的朋友,但是很能理解很能体会,this is empathy and compassion too。

很无助。

这些日子,我就是在无力感中度过。

所以,很久没有感受到这种到了疲惫的感觉————呼吸不顺畅,呼不到气。眼睛想要关闭,头昏脑胀,思路不清,走路不太碰得到地面。就是要shut down的状态。

但是就在这个时候,听到了Lama Zoma Rinpoche在Bendigo,我曾经到过的地方——的FB LIVE的teaching。他提到了Khadro-la,她就是Tara,我想到和她的connection,很感谢有这个机会,见到她。

More on Khadro-la

http://theyoginiproject.org/interview-with-a-dakini

http://theyoginiproject.org/born-dakini-energy

https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/21324-khadro-la-the-state-oracle-of-tibet-on-meditation-dealing-with-aggression-and-bodhicitta

one of the beautiful things abt khadro la is her warmth, so warm it heals people.

i want to b like her, kind hearted and warm.

i think i can!

要怎么样让我们的孩子可以不会不不堪一击,可以在没有妈妈的情况下也能好好的?要怎么突破所有众生没有妈妈的痛苦?

May all sentient beings be free from this pain of losing their mothers. May all sentient beings who are experiencing this pain, receive healing and blessings.

估计就要有新的突破了。要冲破过往的自己,感觉需要找一条新的出路,新的方式,新的角度。

要如何?

要先休息。

但是看Khadro-La的视频,看到一句话:compassion to heal delusion

她说,看到别人的苦的时候,她什么也做不了,就是哭。

突然像是被点醒那样——学习怎么转化?用这股力量,这股痛苦的力量去转化成美好,去治疗别人。我的答案,就在母亲节的视频。

献给妈妈。我希望拍一支这样的视频。把我所有的痛苦的力量,还有所有失去妈妈的痛苦,转化成为一支漂亮温暖的力量。

可以安抚可以疗愈可以祝福。

When sunlight dispels eternal darkness, we see objects clearly.

原来,我就是转化的力量。

把美丽的、人生最需要的,用最平凡的语言,借用厨师的手艺,讲述出来。

may i be healed in the process, 突然能明白为什么要经历我所经历的

may my guardian angels and protectors guide me and support me on this path, to fulfil these intentions, with much ease, creativity, beauty and a lot of warmth and wholesomeness.

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Healing XXXXiii

距离上回去找老师,原来已经过了一季。终于找到时间。

原本估计好时间,不料,工作上临时有变卦,然后ATM失灵,就是截到德士,德士师傅又不认路。

迟到了,但一路上,居然还能有闲情欣赏风景。于是我知道,我又比之前开阔了。下了车,急急忙忙赶到目的地。突然听见鸟鸣,什么告诉我—-陈彬雁,慢下来。欣赏此时。

然后开心步向mind spa session。

那时候的脚步轻快,脸上挂着微笑。怎么还比和XXX签约快乐?

我跟老师说,来这边很开心!他问:“为什么?什么让你开心?”

我说,因为是self care,我给自己时间。我遵守对自己的承诺,给自己时间。那是我对自己的承诺。

谈到四川豆花饭庄把书给我看的事情,以及到饭庄后遇到老板娘。她问我:“怎么样?现在去了米其林?”

我说:“还不错,我学到很多东西。”

老板娘说,学到东西固然重要,关键是:“喜不喜欢?比如我这年纪,已经不是做什么来学什么,而是,你已经没有太多时间去做你真正喜欢的事。所以,喜欢最重要。”

老师说:“事实上,不管什么年纪,我们都没有太多时间。”

然后我滔滔不绝说了一大堆的近况。主要是,最近都与数字为伍。而且都是非常大笔的数额。叫我理不清,这一切的意义在哪里?

很巧的是,见老师之前,几百万美金的交易谈成。

我说,像是这次,如果我再在意这笔钱多一点,恐怕这宗生意就谈不成了。但这笔数目是我想出来的,结果谈到了。

过程中差点谈不拢、一切化为乌有。但是我把它救了回来。

中间是XXX经理人一句:“你知道X百万是多少钱吗?”

一言惊醒梦中人。我回去思考。然而这是即便思考都不能明白的事。想到之前和沁芝复习数学,也都是在做Xhundreds、Y tens、几个ones的数学题。

才觉得这一切好悬。好妙!

老师问我:“为什么要做这宗交易?”

我说:“我想看我做不做得到。”

之前有一名销售的主任,尽管我争取到什么,但他轻轻两下就把我的销售能力刷下来。我觉得不服气。

还有,我觉得可以通过我产生各种新鲜的结合和可能性。

XXX追求美食的执着让我想到我自己。当初我也是一股很深很真的热忱去进取,然后有了这个机会,进阶米其林。我在他的身上看到我自己的旅程。有人给了我一个机会,我现在能做的就是尽我所能给他一个机会。

另一边,老板的成功很吸引我。我也在他的身上看到我自己。

老板是个槟城来的男孩,步步争取到奖学金,然后赚到第一桶金,然后进阶到酒神以及米其林。我想看老板能走多远,我觉得他的骨子里有一种力量,吸引我。

因为我也是这样。从一个小洞口冒出来,然后光凭努力,进阶到上流。

我跟老师说,有一天我突然就想到,老板和XXX都是让我进一步发光,support我发光的支撑点。

当天去找老师真的很开心,比起签下这宗交易更开心,问老师,这是不是说我对金钱是numb的?shut down 的?

老师不认为:“其实你本身就具足(行销)能力,否则不会有这样的机会。”

在他看来,我以前是用文字写生命,现在是用生命去谱写生命。我不太听得懂,说得太高深了。我说在当前的位置,我有机会可以把持,把一些对的人,对的事,在一个时间点凑在一起,然后让之发酵。希望取得多赢的局面。

过去在报馆,旧有模式就是登广告,但这种模式就是下属接到案子,没有创意发挥,登广告的品牌也没有获得价值的提升,我想尝试放进新的可能性。

我说在这个位置上,要处理许多下属的问题,我从中看到我和我以前上司的关系。比如改稿时,前上司的那一套让我受用不尽。我甚至想简讯谢谢她。

老师尝试解开我对前上司的charges。他建议晃动身体,去掉累积的能量。或者把内心深处的声音说出来。

老师拉了一张椅子过了,设想前上司就在我的面前,但尽管如此,我都觉得好难,好难。不愿面对。

我就是有一种不愿面对的力量。怎么甩脱?怎么摈弃?

我觉得她错了。

“我跟别人不一样。我真的是拿出真心对她,为什么你没有看到。为什么你看到了,还是可以用对待别人的那一套对待我?你给我造成了很大的伤害,最大伤害,就是abuse了我的真心。这一点让我很失望。很痛心。”

我不知道为什么我那么在意她?为什么?

努力不获得认可,也是一大主题。我对老师说,这个主题,之前已经发生过。

刚入行不久,两份晚间报纸推出中央厨房的概念,我才20多岁,已经在做主任的工作——每天抹黑上报馆net稿件开编辑会议。记得早上的编辑会议,我在一众主任当中,在总编辑的面前开会,诉说我选出来的稿件和新闻点。

然后到最后,所有功劳都不被认可,上司没赏识,反而把升职加薪的机会给了她的宠物。这点和在前任上司掌管副刊,遇到的情况是一样的。

老师问:怎么我都没有去争取?甚至是,为自己说话。

可能我有一种害怕authority的感觉。不是可能,是属实。面对权威,我有一种尊崇的心态,不知如何跨越,或者说,我在尝试跨越。

老师说,他很想知道:“究竟你做了什么,为什么在再三发生那么艰难的情况下都可以不放弃,坚持下去?就像XXX的交易,最难最难的时候,都能挺过去?”

老师看到我在authority面前的蜷缩。

我想到二年级时考到7名,妈妈说,退步了,没有专心,知不知道父亲在外开晚班德士很辛苦?那次以后,我再没有让妈妈操心我的成绩。

老师说:“在那之外呢?你究竟做了什么?”

我说我不知道。

他再三追问:“比如中央厨房期间,为什么这么难,最后功劳不被赏识,还是不放弃,还是没有把委屈说出口?”

我说我不放弃,是因为那时候母亲过世,父亲遭债,弟妹还小,我有责任看好一家的生计,所以再苦再难,我也要撑下去。

老师说,就是这个。

“你看到了没有?每一次都是你的权益和经济情况交叉?还有一种道德的审判。”

把整个家的责任往自己身上扛了下来,所以多苦都愿意。还有一种对道德的观念帮助。你没有用功–你不乖,你没有考虑到家人的付出。

见老师之后的这几天——特别混淆昏眩劳累。我知道那是面对医药检查还有数字的问题。

买保险每2年有一次免费身体检查。我害怕这个。整个人无法function好像快昏睡那样。shut off to shut down。那是对死亡的惧怕。CA19.9的检查很久没有去做了,数字会升高还是拉低?数字升高拉低了又怎样?我没有答案。

就像老师说的那样,我一碰到这些我无法突破的,就会整个的蜷缩,收紧,冻结。时光穿梭回到第一次遭惧的时候的做法。

好像是小时候生病时,去了旧家附近的诊所。那里的气氛还有一切,还有爸爸开刀时,我去医院看他的情景。我还记得那棉被,那气氛。

这一切都是残留在我的身体里,影响我。

现在就有个机会,可以尝试突破。面对医药检查,尝试更宽松对待,不需要像是以前那样的态度,只要有这个心态和尝试,有觉性去迎接,应该就是突破的一种了。

那又是什么心态呢?

As it is 的心态,不多也不少。是什么就是什么,没有多余的添加和背景的考虑。

然后去见了医生,那又是另一次的体验。这位医生其实很热心,骨子里是好人,但就是嘴巴淘气,我在过程中,一直在挣扎要不要提起CA 19.9,结果决定不提。或者说,没有勇气提。因为我现在还没有思考清楚。

依然很累。已经很久没有这么劳累。我觉得数字在呼唤。那一宗交易的事,我尚未争取到一些权益。

不仅如此,那一宗交易关系到的数额,我尚未搞清楚。大笔的数额让我不知如何是好,所以宁愿不去看它——它让我跳回到我碰到很大笔钱的过去—父亲遭债的那一段过去。我不知道父亲究竟欠了多少钱钱,也没有去理会,完全就是block off。即便现在,虽然是成就一宗交易,但我还是把它联想到了之前的不愉快。

这就是现在企图帮助我了解、整理、挣脱、突破过去的方式。

要怎么做呢?IMG_0533

在光的面前,我问。

 

0

Moments to remember

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Watching the rain and being mindful of it brought me so much joy at heart.

it was just on the way to work, and it was raining, but i was walking towards this flight of steps and the rain was like a string of diamonds, glittering and glistening in the daylight.

because of awareness , i captured this beauty in a moment.

happiness indeed, and often from the simplest things in life.

be well, be mindful, a reminder to myself and the you, reading this.