Mom left us in 2002.
But I think I only experienced it that day in the healing session.
In there, I understood why people met with the events in their life the way they did.
And the events were to help them breakthrough or resolve a certain past.
For one, I came to understand how and why I was brought here in time.
The lesson and understanding was that—–We receive and inherit from our forefathers.
For things issues and emotions they did not have a chance to finish up in their lives, these would be passed on to the next generation.
For example, my mom did not know how to take care of herself. She put herself last. She did not know how to tend to her needs, take care of her body her emotions and her soul.
She didn’t get the appreciation she wanted from everywhere and subjected herself.
And in my life, these themes were very strong.
These are things I have to learn or resolve. These are things that once I learn, will help my forefathers my future generations.
So who says, a wrong cannot be righted?
Last friday at the mindspa session, I had a most meaningful experience and jumped at a chance of righting a wrong or at least expressing myself and my parents on behalf of them.
When I went into the room, I found it very bright.
Then, this is the first thing that called out to me when I went to have my mind spa session.
The word Relax seemed BIGGER and out of proportion, I wonder why.
Maybe it isnt the word Relax but me.
I needed to relax.
It has been so stressful i felt like bursting. The breath was heavy, everything was intense, I couldn’t breathe.
I was not functioning, I was dizzy and spinning.
I was not grounded.
Took the chance to see teacher today. I said to him, “I asked myself why——and what i did to bring myself here, this spot. I didnt seem to be doing anything drastic.”
His reply was to the point.
“How is it like when you are stressful, what is the pace? (Fast of course.) In all this movement, this speed, you did not have time to digest your experiences. There is too much information coming in. But you did not digest, you did not make sense.”
Oh well, spot on.
I told him I got a scolding from my boss, out of nothing, I was just a bin receiving some emotional offloads.
I told teacher how i responded to this scolding, i took away the phone at some point in time, brought it back, tried to explain to boss i had nothing to do with this emotional diarrhoea, then went to a colleague and expressed my anger, stepping on magazines.
When i was stressed up, i went to the toilet and tried to shake the stress away.
This time I was aware of these high intensity emotions because they were really strong and they made me aware of them and I tried to work with them and to experience them.
To which teacher smiled.
“it is good you tried to work with these and not push it down or ignore, but if i were you, i will tell you boss——you hurt me, you did hurt me.”
Sometimes, the simplest words fail to get you. But why does teacher seem to get it always, so directly it makes me feel that i couldn’t say no to it.
i guess it is because he is so aware.
And this is something I wanted to tell my boss.
Appreciation—- where is your appreciation for me? And my work?
And—- do not scold me. I did nothing wrong.
i scanned the room and saw this in one of the cubicles.
The word “Birth” called out to me.
I told teacher about how people around me seem to be falling down—–in their health. I wanted to make sense of the message the universe was sending my way.
I totally didn’t expect this.
So teacher mentioned 2 things:
- The hint is to look at your health. Which I have already guessed. I was feeling like a wreck and suspicious of my well being. I just didn’t feel myself in the pink.
- I would like to inspect the relationship you have with your parents. Sometimes, there are unfinished business in the generation above you, and more often than not, the next generation gets the opportunity to resolve it.
Teacher asked me to describe my parents and their relationship.
I spoke of how Mom would lead the family, be the driving engine and giving her all, taking care of everything at home whilst dad would be the one deciding on the little things. He would be the one to run away.
I spoke of gender inequality in the home, and how dad would chauvinistically be in “control” and Mom is always at the unfair end.
But always, mom would absorb it and take it down.
Teacher also asked me about any possible secrets or unfinished business they might harbour between them, and I remember Mom in the middle of the night calling dad and asking why he isnt back.
I was still young then, but I remember that night and it didnt feel good. I remember when mom passed on, cousin recalled seeing dad with someone else, and giving dad a warning about this situation.
Truthfully, I think this is something that is unresolved between my parents.
To which teacher asked, “how would your mom feel and what would she say?”
“i said a mixture of many emotions, anger, hatred, regret, betrayal, but above all, the willingness to put herself and her emotions last, because she had us, and she wanted the family going.”
She had no choice.
Teacher said that this represented v much something that is incomplete. And I said, “how do we complete this then?”
“By expressing yourself, by expressing yourself truthfully and speaking up for yourself and your parents. Lets do an experiment . “
I was v willing to, as a product of my parents’ love, I think in all ways and more than one, i m one of the best persons to resolve this and to complete this.
Teacher asked me to imagine I m dad and he pulled me a chair infront, placed a pillow and said, “Imagine this is your mother, how would your dad want this chair to be placed?”
I pulled the chair close and opposite me .
Teacher guided me by asking me some qns, “There’s a chance now to talk to your wife, what would you say?”
I went, or rather my father went, “素云，我在你面前抬不起头来。我知道我错了，但是……我不知道为什么我这么选择。我不知道我是怎么走到这里来，我太愚昧愚蠢。”
I couldnt lift up my head, and I couldnt go further, I was feeling my dad’s pride and ego, regret and inferiority.
Teacher helped, “you made mistakes, your wife loved you so much, gave so much to the family, but you didnt appreciate her, and you betrayed her. What must you say to her?”
And I or rather, my father went, “我真的不知道我什么我会这么选择，我错了，我辜负了你。辜负了你和家庭。你可以原谅我吗？我请你原谅我，我对不起你。对不起这个家。”
Teacher said, “这些年来，你因为这样的选择承受了这些痛苦，你也不好受，我希望你能够抬起头来。”
And i did.
Teacher said, “yes. yes”
In that moment i raised my head, and looked up, i felt a breath of cool air, like a release of sorts, i saw 2 halves of the heart coming together and i was in the middle.
Teacher asked if i felt this is adequate, i said somewhat.
He invited “dad” to leave and asked me to be me.
“Now face your mom, what did you want to say to her?”
This got me v emotional.
I was crying for the beginning because in those tears, there was a lot of feelings of being wronged, a lot of suffering, i was just crying my heart out to my mom who could understand me.
but i sort of heard my children—-Haohao and Zhi’s voice, saying “I love you Mom” and very egged on, I seized the opportunity to say something I havent said at all when Mom was alive,
“I love you Mommy, I love you so much, Thank you for doing all you have for me, 你太了不起了妈妈。 谢谢你，生我、养我、疼爱我。I love you Mommy.”
Teacher seemed v proud and happy to see me get this off my chest.
“Give your mom a hug, emotionally”
And I did, and I felt like its so difficult to let her go.
“And now, we want to let Mom go, back to where its better and she belonged. “
And i felt myself say, i’ll take care of myself Mom.
Teacher asked me again how it was, and i thought it was super. At the very least, i got the things off my chest.
Why did people want to keep secrets I asked?
“In society, mistakes are punishable, and people want to cover it up. “
Back to the session, I said I could feel dad’s ego and the challenge saying sorry and letting it out.
Teacher said that too, but teacher reminded me that energetically, dad is suffering because he couldnt hold his head high ever since Mom left.
Its a punishment which he might not know he is inflicting on himself and he might not yet know how to resolve.
Its painful and we should all resolve this.
Teacher also said, that he feels that Mom has given her all and more, and not being appreciated by my dad so he made it a point to seek justice and wanted dad to apologise during the session.
i said this inequality in relationship is v evident in my extended family, that wives have to abide by certain rules and to “serve their husband”
Teacher agreed. In those days, it was mostly like this. The woman’s place in the house, would be to serve her husband wholeheartedly.
“Your Mom waited for this day this apology for too long, way too long. she did not know how to take care of her emotions, her body her self, and these are the areas you need to put effort in to work hard on. Sometimes, life takes on a course, perhaps in a repeat, perhaps not, so that a thing of the past can be resolved.”
i know what teacher is saying.
“Normally when the generation doesnt resolve something, the next generation has the responsibility to do this, especially the eldest child. These should be resolved so that the generation down in the future can be freed of these influences.”
When I finished the session, i had 2 deep burps coming out from my tummy and i felt gd, i never felt so relieved in a long while, it was as if something was lifted off me. Taken off me.
Teacher encouraged me to look at resolving with my father, I do believe there will come a day to do this.
With this awareness, I want to be learn and have awareness in life.
The awareness and learning to take care of myself—- my body my emotions my spirit my soul.
To really let it be free.
Om ma ne pad me hum.
Thank you for the teachings!
很心痛。虽然都不是我非常亲密的朋友，但是很能理解很能体会，this is empathy and compassion too。
但是就在这个时候，听到了Lama Zoma Rinpoche在Bendigo，我曾经到过的地方——的FB LIVE的teaching。他提到了Khadro-la，她就是Tara，我想到和她的connection，很感谢有这个机会，见到她。
More on Khadro-la
one of the beautiful things abt khadro la is her warmth, so warm it heals people.
i want to b like her, kind hearted and warm.
i think i can!
May all sentient beings be free from this pain of losing their mothers. May all sentient beings who are experiencing this pain, receive healing and blessings.
但是看Khadro-La的视频，看到一句话：compassion to heal delusion
When sunlight dispels eternal darkness, we see objects clearly.
may i be healed in the process, 突然能明白为什么要经历我所经历的
may my guardian angels and protectors guide me and support me on this path, to fulfil these intentions, with much ease, creativity, beauty and a lot of warmth and wholesomeness.
然后开心步向mind spa session。
当天去找老师真的很开心，比起签下这宗交易更开心，问老师，这是不是说我对金钱是numb的？shut down 的？
买保险每2年有一次免费身体检查。我害怕这个。整个人无法function好像快昏睡那样。shut off to shut down。那是对死亡的惧怕。CA19.9的检查很久没有去做了，数字会升高还是拉低？数字升高拉低了又怎样？我没有答案。
As it is 的心态，不多也不少。是什么就是什么，没有多余的添加和背景的考虑。
As TS Elliot says, “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
—shared by YoYo Ma
Watching the rain and being mindful of it brought me so much joy at heart.
it was just on the way to work, and it was raining, but i was walking towards this flight of steps and the rain was like a string of diamonds, glittering and glistening in the daylight.
because of awareness , i captured this beauty in a moment.
happiness indeed, and often from the simplest things in life.
be well, be mindful, a reminder to myself and the you, reading this.