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Sabbatical IV

On this day June 11 2013,

My sabbatical starts : )

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Sabbatical III

Dear Yen

 

you did it! you asked for a sabbatical, n there, you have it. 6 whole months, n maybe, MORE.

I know you r a bit apprehensive about how to address your work n supervisors after 6 months.

But, its your life, not theirs. You do not live your life for them, but for yourself. And this has to BE, from now on. You cannot miss this big picture from now.

My advice to you is this.

To spend the next 6 months like never before.

As in, live like never before. in the opposite of how you have –if the past was in fear, with fear/worry/negativity, or whatever, then start from june 11th, effect a change from within, live WITHOUT fear/worry/negativity/whatever.

Do what you like.

Do not hesitate.

Live simple.

Think simply.

Devote yourself to the cause you find most at peace with.

Sing.

Write.

Dance.

Breathe.

Do yoga.

Be completely, YOU.

I know that with these in mind, it will be the most beautiful/ transformative time of your life.

Think good thoughts. Harbour goodness. Extend help. n loving kindness.

Eat organic. Go green. Play with the children. Do all you like. Be well n happy.

I wish you love, joy, happiness.

 

From: your dearest Yen,

9th June 2013

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Sabbatical II

Dearies

I received a call from HR about my application , the lady says ” it’s been approved”.

And so there r a few things she has to let me know.

That
– newspapers will not b sent to my house
– there will b no more dental or medical benefits n I have to surrender my Shenton medical card.
– that $56 will be deducted from my salary because the company gave us a sum of $100 at the beginning of the year to offset medical co pay bills
– that my office email account will cease for 6 mths

And a host of others I can’t really remember .

It seemed as if she was taking away things that belonged to me.

Before I was aware , I was shocked. It hit me before I knew its name. And there was a little feeling of insecurity. I would b without pay, after close to 11 years of drawing a salary.

Will I b alright?

It seemed as if I were losing things, belongings, my hard earned position , achievements, connections, personal satisfaction.

I didn’t think you would understand, I didn’t think your daddy will either, how much of a sacrifice this will be for me. Or how much of a gamble this is for me.

In the one year I m gone off work, I will b replaced. I will lose touch. I will lose connections. I will need to start afresh when I go back, it would b doubly hard.

But wisdom in my heart told me other story.

Those things were not mine to begin with. I just had the privilege n opportunity to possess them. And I think most importantly, I made good of them whilst having them.

Wisdom told me too, that I could take this as an exercise of letting go, n to live simply.after all, Those were extras that I could leave without.

As I carried huaihao in my arms, there was an idea of being stripped to the minimum. This is a v good opportunity to soak myself or address what really matters, my family, my children , my life. And to do what I really want.

And I suddenly feel so good I m stripped bare. To the basics.

To b light n without burden. Like starting anew somewhat. Like a pie of paper.

Most importantly, I have huaihao n qinzhi. They were worth every of the above I had to let go off. As huaihao drank from me, n smiled in his sleep, his cheeks full n rosy, his lips small n pinky, I knew it was going to b one of the best decisions I have made for myself in life.

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Sabbatical I

Dearies

No pay leave has a nicer name in English , n that is

Sabbatical

a sabbatical (from Latin sabbaticus, from Greek sabbatikos, from Hebrew shabbat, i.e., Sabbath, literally a “ceasing”) is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. The concept of sabbatical has a source in shmita, described several places in the Bible (Leviticus 25, for example, where there is a commandment to desist from working the fields in the seventh year). In the strict sense, therefore, a sabbatical lasts a year.

The main Bible passage for sabbatical concepts is Genesis 2:2-3, in which God rested (literally, “ceased” from his labour) after creating the universe, and it is applied to people (Jew and Gentile, slave and free) and even to beasts of burden in one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:8-11, reaffirmed in Deuteronomy 5:12-15).

In recent times, “sabbatical” has come to mean any extended absence in the career of an individual in order to achieve something. In the modern sense, one takes sabbatical typically to fulfill some goal, e.g., writing a book or travelling extensively for research.

O well.

I wanted a year off, but my boss agreed to 6 mths.

As for my goal, it’s to rest. As well, to fulfill my dream/imagination of staying home for my children. To come back to myself.

After having thought about it in my mind for so so long, it has become a dream come true.

🙂

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Joy

我很久没有品尝到这个滋味了。

打从心底的喜悦。开怀。畅快。

一种解放。

原来做决定的感觉就是这样。原来,给予自己是这样。原来,疼爱自己是这样。

目前,只有sam懂,但感觉已经很棒。

its a promise to myself n my dearie qinzhi.

mummy did it.

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2010

31/12/2010

11:05:49

亲爱的2010

:)

不到1个小时就要跟你说再见,感觉是开心的。我觉得我需要对21世纪的头个十年说bye bye。

过去十年,很折腾、很痛、很苦,但,

也很丰富,很甜蜜,很幸福,也有很多的获得。

所以告别21世纪的第一个十年之前,我还是想要说声谢谢。

谢谢2010带给我的所有大大小小的测验,让我可以有机会重省过去十年,甚至是更久以前的自己,谢谢21世纪头个十年,给予我的一切教导。

间中,我有很多的彷徨、恐惧、迷失,无助,但真真切切地,也在眼泪中、痛苦中学习。

and so they say,

in pain, u gain

not without reason

当下只觉疼痛、折腾、或者也有压抑了一些,现在则有种修学分的感觉。

好像站在山顶上看过往的12个月或以前的感觉,看到自己之前在爬山的样子。

陈彬雁,还好你坚持了。

好不容易啊,陈彬雁。

:)

爬山的时候,一面擦眼泪、一面擦汗水间,也知道了自己不足的地方和原因,结果对自己有了新的了解和体会。

1)比如缺乏自信、不确定自己、向外寻求approval、甚至对未来不太有把握

————除了自己小时候没有父母在旁给予支持和鼓励,长大后亲人离开、死亡的遭遇当然有关系。小时候虽然得到奶妈最悉心的照料,但毕竟他们不是父母。孩子小的时候最需要父母在旁,也许对他们点头,拍拍手,已是很好的鼓励和支持。

its about validating a child。to make her confident n sure n stable,so that she can put forth her next step with ease n confidence.

后来父亲的离开,母亲、舅舅、姨妈的死亡,其实每一场都有很多的恐惧。父亲的离开,妈妈的彷徨无助,妈妈的死亡带给周围的人的无力感、悲痛,等等。每一次的离去,不管是生离还是死别,都笼罩着一片乌云。

我在很不mindful的情况下,卷入其中,

关键是,自己没有好好make sense一切,没有好好去思考,体恤、了解。没有好好去明白,人生是什么?人生是为何?

我想,如果前辈们都有好好地面对人生,再mindful一点,结果或许不一样。 人生,真就是面对这回事。

真是,面对,而已。

用无穷大的勇气、你能凑集的智慧、耐心和爱心,去经历,去走。过。

2)沁芝

想到不想让沁芝成为另一个我。我觉得有种urgency。

上次在马尔代夫已经有感,知道我需要妈妈,就像沁芝需要我那样,不是为了帮助沁芝完成什么,只是在那里,看着沁芝。让她每一次回头都看到妈妈,知道背后有人撑着。我自己不太享有的感觉。

我没有的,我要努力地给沁芝。

事实上,开始有沁芝的时候,我已经对自己说,因为自己小时候是给奶妈照顾的,有了孩子,我想自己照顾。可是因为生活的实际性,把沁芝让很疼爱她的奶妈,把她当孙女的奶妈照料。这对有不定时间工作的我们来说,是最理想的安排,而沁芝也不需要每天来回赶着回家。可以更舒适,可以吃更美味的料理。

但潜意识里,这实在不是我心目中最完美的安排。

是内心的不满越来越无法忍受的压力。

沁芝让我看到小时候的自己那样。

每天这么度过、每天这么看沁芝的时候,我好像也看到小时候的自己。还有我不懂的需要。

这一点之前不那么明确,现在我看到了。还有它对我的伤害。原来小时候的我也是这样。i took a long time to realise this.

i knew i was very much loved, i knew my parents’ best options were to put me to nanny, because of life’s realities, but i guess deep down, i wanted more of my parents.

qinzhi must have wanted it juz like the way i did, tat was why she always seemed so happy to see me and to want a hug when she sees me come.

she needs me, i have been trying to gloss over that and to convince myself that she is getting the best care now.

it is this that is giving me stress, because i know deep down, she needs me more than anything else.

and that she needs me, juz to b there, not to do anything for her,but,

juz to b with her.

juz like i wanted it with my parents.

if there is a question of how to heal myself of the lack of confidence in myself, i guess the answer is qinzhi.

juz like when i bring her home n passes the test, she validates me, when i m with her, she always makes me feel gd about myself, as small a thing as tickling her with a song, or making her smile.or teaching her something new.

qinzhi came for me, to address and teach me about honoring myself. in supporting her n nurturing her, in making her feel secure n confident, in teaching her about life,i would in turn be fulfilled.

it is always a two way process

所以2011年,我想更多地投入沁芝,更好地分配工作,尝试work from home。不管是在奶妈家或自己家,我想

b with沁芝。

尝试之后再看看,是否有必要,做更极端的决定。

3)我喜欢的。

我喜欢瑜伽,喜欢专注地做动作,我觉得那种专注是很优美的。慢慢的,跟着肢体拉伸。旁无杂念。its also about giving time to myself.

2011年,我想更多地投入瑜伽,有时间去游泳,更多地到室外去。看看天空,被风吹,我想,那对我有好处。沁芝当然可以一起。

4)art

失联很久的美术,我再一次邂逅,爱上。

觉得这是很美妙的。通过绘画,学习了解内心,学习捕捉每一丝的情感,用颜色、粗细,化出来的情感。很有意思。再解说图画时,还有意想不到的新体悟,加深自己的了解。

5)expectations

今年对这个特别有了解。

自己要求的,未必是世界、他人能给予的。那时也无需失望。比如小时候,父母最好的选择是把我放在奶妈家,我的期待更高,但我也了解到,那已经是父母在当时能给我的最好的。虽然这样的安排造就了我一些个性上的缺点,但也无需埋怨,关键是努力自己的给予自己爱。

别人要求的,也未必是自己必须达到的。那时更不必气馁。也不代表自己很逊。一个人的价值不是由别人来衡量的。为什么要把自己的power放在别人的手里?口里?

我们只能让心保持稳定、自信,每一次都把握]拿捏分寸,并试图理解expectation背后的用心。明白每一个人都有各自的苦衷、局限。

6)累的学习

2010年,一直一直觉得疲累。 是疲惫。 过去十年积累的压力、劳累、疲惫趁着脆弱统统回来。 压抑过的。

累了要知道累了。

要允许自己累。 允许自己时间休息。 充电。

7)爱自己

陈彬雁,过去十年你辛苦了。

你委屈了。

但你始终不太懂得疼爱自己。确定、确信自己。honour自己做过的一切。 给自己credit。

一直以来,总觉得有比自己更迫切的事情要处理,总是把自己放在第二位。

是自己把自己给掉的。是自己不珍惜自己,不爱自己。

把自己允许给别人的。

2011,要学的就是这个。学习听自己,相信自己,确认自己,肯定自己。疼爱自己。

过去一旦有需要,总是往外找。但,终究不治本。 爱必须是自己给自己的。是往内找、自己给。

8)the purpose of life

是什么?我获得的答案是: to refine yourself, to be a better person.

今生做人,那是前世修来的福报和好姻缘,有了这个机会,真的要好好的把握,努力精进,多多地帮助自己也帮助他人。

那样,才能真正的shine。

这样的体会,是走过2010的心情和体认,我觉得自己还是有长进的,没有辜负过去的365天、也没有辜负过去的十年。

回头看一切,无怨也无悔,更要特别谢谢21世纪过去十年的生活历练和教导。

谢谢了。

很开心,可以跟你说bye bye。

祝福我的未来。健康,平安,幸福。