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Healing (XXXII)Be Me

I saw a dog this morning on my walk.

White with black spots. And it was beautiful. I thought for a moment how the owner must have felt when he wanted this dog.

He must have liked the skin.

I took a closer look and it didn’t really call out to me.

But so what, the dog doesn’t have to change because I didn’t like it.

Which brings me to the point that I didn’t have to change myself at all.

I shall always remember, that

Everything I saw in India, everyone whom I met, was to show me that I can be me.

Be me in my own skin, no one else.

I need not change myself or be less of, I shouldn’t even waste time on people who are not worth it.

Be Me.

There’s only one me.

随从的心,就是为了让你知道,你可以做回自己。做回那个公主。
重新告诉自己,你可以的,完全可以做回自己那个自己。完全可以。只要你allow。
想想,你在印度接触到什么是你喜欢的?慢慢地在生命中把它带回来。
找回自己的power。

因为那个是任何人怎么也带不走的。

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36 months

宝贝

好像还是昨天,你在我的肚子里,今天你已经进入豆豆班。

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皓皓3岁的早上,mommy和沁芝给皓皓唱了一首生日歌,然后祝福皓皓,健康平安快乐。

皓皓笑的好灿烂。好开心。

昨晚,抱着皓皓,就像小时候抱着皓皓那样,皓皓突然唱起歌来,“……when the wind blows……”

是“Rock a bye baby”这么给皓皓唱着,抱着,皓皓就睡下了。

圣诞节,圣诞老人来了。:)

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这一天,ah tin阿姨让我们去Marina Bay Sands Staycation。阿hui阿姨特地准备了番薯和蛋糕,就是怕小瓜饿

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皓皓带了玩具车。在大人们眼中看似微不足道,但曾几何时,这样的汽车就是我们所有的天空和梦想。当你长大了,你还会记得吗?你把这些当成最重要的年纪?

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我们去了Gardens by the Bay的Christmas Wonderland

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隔天早晨,去Universal Studios

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皓皓在环球影城尝试了许多新的游戏,而且都不怕。

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比如皓皓喜欢的芝麻街。

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好像还是昨天,皓皓才出生,现在已经上幼儿班了。这一天,皓皓起个大早,先带姐姐上校车,再到姐姐的学校去。然后去KBK。姐姐的幼儿园。

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上学的第一天,皓皓不让妈妈离开视线,否则就有些想哭了。但还是对课室里的玩具感兴趣。其他孩子哭他们的,他玩他的。

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皓皓上学的第二天。

带皓皓去学校。

It’s a #new day 🙂 All is bright! There’s warmth coming from the #sun, and a gentle breeze! Birds singing and the grass, green. And, and! I m holding your hand, walking with you.

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也就是这样的早晨,让我有感触,不如我们每天早上就这样吧?送皓皓上学,不再只是一件必需完成的事,而是一个我们两个靠在一起的时间点。

我们依旧在课室里陪伴他。皓皓抓着我的手,另一边在玩,他不太敢放开。

究竟是我不敢放开?还是他不敢放开?

我们尝试让皓皓一个人,结果他哭了。但小瓜只是不太习惯,感觉上,他是独立的。

 

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傍晚去游泳,这是皓皓第一次用游泳圈:)体验到了在泳池里驰骋、自由的感觉。

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上学的第三天,就要上学的样子

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皓皓这一天哭得很痛快。他看到我穿着上班的衣服和包包,就知道今天我不跟他到班上去了。所以哭了好利害,但我们带皓皓去班上之后,就离开了。在课室外看到皓皓哭得稀里哗啦,老师都没有力气应付他。

开学的第五天,带皓皓上学,他哭的情况感觉上好很多!

小瓜会这么把玩具车堆在一起,这么玩,好利害啊,他看到不一样的东西,有不同的想法。我相信,也会创造不一样的天空。

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阿妹阿姨去芬兰寄回来的圣诞明信片:)

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皓皓上学的大约一周后就已经习惯并且喜欢上学了。公公也开始接载皓皓上下学。小不点好皮,这么画自己!daddy再添一笔。

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这个时候的皓皓好厉害讲话!

他告诉婆婆:“今天我上学没有哭,眼泪都收起来,留在里面!”

另一天,他开心要去Pasir Ris,我说妈妈回来找不到皓皓怎么办?他说:“那你就找爸爸讲话!”

上学接近三周之后,皓皓已经很习惯上学。现在由公公接送,皓皓要mommy帶着上学。每天车子接近学校时,皓皓就问:“mommy,你没有跟我说have a beautiful wonderful day?”我听他的话说了,他就也这么祝福我,然后开心跟我说bye bye。

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到了小礼堂,他懂得把手、嘴张开,让老师检查,之后把书包放下,去拿故事书,坐下来看。老实说,皓皓obedient, and settling well。好了不起。公公说,皓皓每天会和公公聊天,有问必答。

这是皓皓做的第一份手工:)

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这是皓皓今年收到的生日礼物。有婆婆、阿姨、阿嬷给的红包

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有Davina姐姐买的车

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有姐姐画的生日画

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舅妈买的车 IMG_3170

生日这天,我们卖了鱼生和蛋糕去pasir ris庆祝。阿姨特地和婆婆走到ntuc买鸡肉煮面线,外加面线,给皓皓吃。

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然后唱生日歌,吹蜡烛、许愿、切蛋糕。皓皓好不开心!

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my dear baby

may u b well n happy.

i’ll always remember the opportunities and the inspiration you gave me, to create a new pathway, to breakthrough.

i love you.

 

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6yrs 11 mths

沁芝再过一个月就7岁了!

不知不觉,沁芝上小学已经两个多星期。好快啊。

这个月,沁芝做了好多新的尝试,最大胆最具突破性的,就是理发!

先说圣诞前夕,圣诞老人就来了。

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隔天,沁芝说,她告诉爸爸她要的礼物,圣诞老人都买给她了

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阿姨阿姨让们去MBS Staycation,check in之后去了Gardens by the Bay

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这就是沁芝爱staycation的原因。她好喜欢泡泡。

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check out之后去环球影城。沁芝尝试了许多新鲜的事物,感觉上有些害怕,但小妞还是尝试了

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明天(1月5日)就开学了。对沁芝皓皓,对daddy mommy来说,都是一个里程碑。开学前一天的心情:)

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前几天整理的时候,找到了这个圆形的铅笔刨,那是以前ahui 阿姨买给我的,我不舍得用,现在留着,让沁芝带上学去。

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好像还是昨天,知道自己怀孕、生沁芝、哺乳,好像还是昨天,沁芝上幼稚园。现在沁芝要上小学了!

开学这一天,沁芝6点钟就起床,非常兴奋。自己搭校车上学。

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然后也不太需要父母亲在身边,就能够自己照顾自己。我的宝贝很独立,很了不起。mommy好骄傲!

亲爱的,希望你时时怀抱着这份对上学的热爱。时时记着这份勇敢和勇往直前,无所畏惧的心。

沁芝上学的第二天,自己搭校车去,一整天也是自己在学校里。好了不起。

上学的第二天,带沁芝皓皓去游泳:)

沁芝这一天穿上PE attire上学。她很兴奋很开心:)

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阿妹阿姨去芬兰寄回来的圣诞明信片:)

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今天mommy得出外工作,家里没有人,婆婆来帮忙,结果沁芝在傍晚的时候哭了,因为知道婆婆即将回去。沁芝很不舍得。哭得眼睛通红肿了起来。

我知道沁芝的心意。小时候的我,也是这样。但我怎么现在对这一切就冷了呢?机械化了。

婆婆说,看到沁芝哭了,好伤心,根本不敢看沁芝。而且舍不得走,一再拖延回家的时间。上一次姨姨婆婆来,回家后,沁芝吃着阿姨买的米粉,边吃边哭。这么告诉阿姨后,阿姨也哭了,这是婆婆刚刚说的。

这一天婆婆来,阿姨去JB购物,她打电话来,说:“告诉沁芝,阿姨买了很多东西给沁芝。milo、apple juice、ribena。”

因为听说沁芝喜欢在学校买苹果汁,阿姨马上去超市买了一条,要让沁芝带去。这次去JB,买了更多。沁芝有阿姨这么疼爱,就像是小时候的mommy一样。

宝贝啊,这也是成长的一部分。

哭吧!哭了就没事了!

宝贝,也祝你学习愉快,健康平安。

 

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见与不见

我好喜欢这首诗!太美了!很久以前看过。现在再接触。太美了太美了!

《班扎古鲁白玛的沉默》

作者:扎西拉姆·多多

你见,或者不见我,我就在那里,不悲不喜。

你念,或者不念我,情就在那里,不来不去。

你爱,或者不爱我,爱就在那里,不增不减。

你跟,或者不跟我,我的手就在你手里,不舍不弃。

来我的怀里,或者,让我住进你的心里。

默然 相爱,寂静 欢喜

诗出自《疑似风月中集》,由扎西拉姆·多多于2007年5月15日撰写于北京。

关于这首诗,作者曾有自述:

这一首的灵感,是来自于莲花生大师非常著名的一句话:“我从未离弃信仰我的人,或甚至不信我的人,虽然他们看不见我,我的孩子们,将会永远永远受到我慈悲心的护卫。”我想要通过这首诗表达的是上师对弟子不离不弃的关爱,真的跟爱情、跟风月没有什么关系。

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Your Thoughts Create Your Life

I learned about timing and reason again this morning.

As I watched this movie on Louise Hay.

I heard about Louise Hay in India, that was my last second day in India, and the lady in the corporate communications team of ITC Hotels, Bindu, told me about her.

Somehow the conversation drifted to here, and she pointed me to this “Heal Your Life” workshop that she attended, and came out a different person.

I googled, but nothing much came out.

Then I went for a tasting with Yuan, a restauranteur who set up the Prive Group, and it was many days after that he shared with me, this video link.

I didn’t know why he would find me receptive to this, but he was correct. I felt like we could connect or there was somewhat of a connection while we spoke.

But the way resonation came about , its incredible.

I finally found time to sit down this morning to watch this video and I found many many inspirations , and obviously, a lot of work to do.

I woke up this morning with a sound in my head, that I would die one day. And if this it is, do I still want to live life like now? It was just another morning, but I woke up to this thought.

DO I still want to hold on to the big and little unhappiness about life? Should I spend more time with my children instead of going to work? and etc.

I was upset yesterday. I was upset with the way my work mates treated me, pretty much about work. I couldn’t understand why I was not appreciated after so much I have done. I was taken advantage and bullied in a sense, even after having been nice and allowing to others.

But watching this video and writing about this now made me understand why.

People don’t appreciate me, because I do not appreciate myself enough. People step on me because I allowed myself to be stepped on and did not take authority for what I stand.

So step up to this. It has to start from within me.

There were so many themes that popped out or at least I picked out this time.

  1. Resentment and Forgiveness

I realised I still had a lot of resentment, especially towards my father.

What exactly do I resent? Its his leaving and escaping and leaving us all here. Its not being together with us in times of a challenge. Its cowardly attitude.

I hated that.

Watching this video made me realise how these emotions are still in my body , parked in my belly.

I need to work on these to let go.

How?

Bit by bit I guess. I know it has to be from within.

I thought about going backwards in time to understand my father ‘s childhood. Maybe he has had a bout of unhappiness and escape was a way out.

Maybe there was some conditioning that led him to his choice of running away.

I also thought about how someone forgave me when I did wrong recently. I printed out facts that were wrong and might have affected his reputation.

I apologised sincerely and that boss of a printing company forgave me. That was actually a very precious lesson.

I was given so much relief , it felt so good to be off a cuff.

Now writing this, I understood he was able to forgive and let this incident go.

Forgiveness is two ways really, letting people off and yourself off.

Can I forgive my father and forgive me too? For holding on. This ate my life away. All the good energy.

I want and needed to claim responsibility for the work I have done to hurt myself all these crazy years.

I know I want to do that, I want to forgive all the wrong people have done to me, and more so, I want to forgive all the time and myself for holding on to those. That did not serve me good, why was I even foolishly holding on to that and for sooooooo long?

I was ignorant and definitely not wise. I was silly.

SO silly i find it amusing.

2. Initial attitude

A workmate’s recent action irked me.

He was the one who demarcated lines, where we would work on. I abided by those rules but he overstepped his limits and ate into my space.

I kept quiet all the while but his ways and him, are getting atrocious.

From my sessions with teacher, I learnt to look at this from a different perspective, why does this invite a reaction of me ? What is it I must learn from?

He became a teacher of sorts to help me figure out what was wrong.

And I sort of arrived at the answer as I was watching this video.

The universe is a reflection.

I asked myself if I had ever been like him?

And I recalled how in the beginning I felt threatened in a way and had some feeling of not wanting to share my beat with him.

But even with that feeling, I gave him lots of space to explore, I gave him ideas, but he began to be arrogant.

I didnt like that. Was I arrogant? I asked myself.

I was in a way. And he showed me what I didnt like, so I better not go there.

I m still not very sure how we can resolve this, maybe by letting go? Letting go of that initial fear of being threatened and to be gracious to share?

Or is it claiming what I should deserve?

3. Appreciation

I felt seriously under appreciated and not recognised in my workplace by my superior for all the good work I have done.

That irked me a lot, I felt like me and my superior we were at odds.

I remember teacher said this, that you have to learn to ask for what you deserve. Put a value to the work you do, ask how yourself how much you deserve and ask for that amount.

You have to start respecting yourself before others can do that to you.

That is the work I must do.

4. Love Yourself

If you love yourself enough, all these that has happened wouldn’t have. I would have taken care well enough of myself to not let any of these happen.

5. Postive affirmations

Look at yourself in the mirror and state positive affirmations.

I am healthy and complete.

I deserve the best.

I can do it.

I will be an authority in the field of specialisation in my professional pursuit.

I am well and happy.

I will be high definition TPY.

I will be the best that I can be.

I want to heal and help people through words.

I love you TPY.

6. When you change your thinking, you change your life.

It is about turning it around and turning something out.

 

 

 

 

 

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Find the teaching in the chaos

Reposting something i bumped into on facebook that is so absolutely true.

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Dear Ones –

Last night I watched the harrowing documentary AMY, about the life and tragic death of Amy Winehouse. It’s a brilliant film, but it was difficult for me to go to sleep after seeing it. It’s hard not to imagine all the other directions Amy’s life could have taken. If only she could have held on through the chaos of her youth, and somehow come out on the other side — wiser and calmer and having shed all the self-hatred and self-destruction.

If only she could have survived herself long enough to become herself.

I was so struck by this line that the (apparently immortal) Tony Bennett said at the end of the documentary, about what he wished he could have told Amy. The full quote is: “Slow down. You’re too important. Life teaches you how to live it, if you live long enough.”

This reminded me of what Iyanla Vanzant always says — that life is her friend, and that all it’s trying to do is teach her how to live. Like a good friend, life sometimes tells you things you don’t want to hear about yourself — but that’s OK. It’s all being offered with love. Tough love, sometimes – but love. As Iyanla always says, “You might have to repeat third grade six or seven times, before you learn what you needed to learn to advance — but once you learn the lessons, life will let you move on.”

Life never lets you move on, until you have learned what it is trying to teach you.

Like a good friend, life keeps trying to show you the way — keeps trying to show what isn’t working for you and what behaviors need to stop. When you keep banging your head up against the same destructive scenarios, life will patiently keeping showing you the painful consequences — until you get it. Life will teach you the same lesson time after time after time, until you finally start to learn. Life will try to teach you what kind of people are bad for you, and what kind of situations makes you sick and weak, what kind of substances are a no-fly-zone for you, and what kind of existence brings you into bloom. Life will try to show you what was never meant to be yours, and life will try — by any means necessary — to teach you how to look for something else, when it’s time to change.

As we get older, there’s a trust that grows within us about life — that something out there is trying to teach us SOMETHING.

I was never as self-destructive as Amy Winehouse in my youth, but I certainly spent many, many years doing things to myself that were terribly bad for me. Like many of us, the only way I could ever learn where the boundaries were was to run about 10 miles past them. Only later, looking back over my shoulder — exhausted, ashamed, hurt, and defeated — could I see: “Oh! So I guess THAT was the boundary, then? About 10 miles back?”

I had to repeat these destructive behaviors dozens — sometimes hundreds — of times before I got the picture.

It was painful, but apparently that’s the only way I could learn.

My pain was just life trying to show me what doesn’t work for me.

My heart breaks for all those restless souls who could not live long enough to let life teach them how to live it. And to all who are confused and lost and in pain right now, my prayer is that you will learn how to listen with trust and respect and love to what your life is trying to teach you. Your life is your friend. It’s trying to help you.

Slow down.

You’re too important.

Find the teaching hidden in the chaos.

Heart,
LG