It is 22 Jan
And mommy is all packed, daddy n I have decided we should go to the hospital after breakfast.
I had my fair share of fear n worry when I slipped into some kind of lethargic mode, that didn’t seem to fade off after a night’s sleep.
And I was sensitive to baby ‘s well being if he didn’t kick or move.
But I tried to b aware n to remember Dr Soon’s words: water is enough , bb is good, placenta is gd
And baby did kick in the morning
So I felt more assured.
Still we both decide since baby is due n I m having contractions— albeit not those that intensify n last, I should b under medical supervision just to make sure.
So here we r, at my choice of breakfast at old tiong bahru bak kut teh
O by the way , ah mei yiyi signed the contract with Fullerton today n is asst marcoms mgr this day u r born.
It marks the start of her career as a communications mgr, like flipping open a page in a book
N u came today
It is 11:40am
Here I m at Gleneagles
Everything seemed familiar, yet not.
I m telling myself to use this opportunity to practice awareness.
The midwife checked me n I m still at 3cm. V much the same as yest morning when Dr Soon checked in her clinic.
It is 2:20pm
Dr Soon just broke the water bag 🙂
Just like when I had qinzhi
Daddy says he is excited now
The water is trickling out n
I can feel the contractions coming a bit stronger
They r a bit different fr the ones previously
Whereas they use to feel like a hook on the vaginal area, now they seem to start to affect the back too, if I feel correctly..
Staff nurse Yang came in to check on me. And she says there isn’t much contractions.
She mentioned Dr Soon’s advice —to put me on the oxytocin drip to bring on the contractions.
So I m waiting for that now.
At 5 plus 6pm or so, Dr Soon came by again
Not satisfied at the contractions, she ordered for a higher intensity of the drip
My tears just flowed now as I m writing all this
the escalating pain n contractions came on after I was put on the drip
Daddy saw the figures rise to beyond 120
I could contain the pain till the cervix dilated to 5cm
I was then given gas when I asked if I could still ask for an epidural, Yang initially said yes, then , no
She said i was gg to deliver quick n the epidural wont b in time, she coaxed me into using gas
I was relaxed, dizzy if too much
Then when I was dilated to 6-7cm
Just a bit disappointed at how slow things went
I suddenly felt the urge to push
The pressure to push was so real n intense
Daddy quickly called Yang
That was when I lost control
Yang shouted at me: “don’t do anything!”
Water came out n the force to expel n push all come along
Yang ‘s voice showed some pressure n urgency
the doc was called to come n I had to learn to resist the urge to push
N before long
It was about pushing
I pushed many many times before baby came
It was a lot of pain
I didn’t know how to push
It was a lot of pain
I didnt know how to breathe
It was A lot of effort
I was shouting out all the pain I have
Yang was ordering in a loud voice to grab me
“Stop letting out the noise! U r wasting ur energy!close ur mouth n push!”
Dr Soon says to push like when u have piles.she appeared indifferent n oblivious to my cries. i thought tat is remarkable.
I felt I was tearing n pushing all that I have
I was pushing frontiers v v forcefully
I was tearing myself apart
Besides chanting n visualizing guru rinpoche, I was telling myself: observe the pain, it’s just pain n nothing more, make frens with the pain, welcome it. Just, b aware . That’s good enough .
I take this as an opportunity to test what I have learnt from mingyur rinpoche to use
I told myself I want to create a new pathway.
I told myself there is nothing I cannot do if i do not limit myself. Don’t stop myself.
I told myself, I don’t want to take the old road again.
These were the most important thoughts that kept me going when the pain was threatening.
And…Baby arrived at 19:56 weighing 2.8kg much faster than I thought
And I did it without epidural
I did it with daddy’s total encouragement n cheering
Without him n his cheering , I would have succumbed.
With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, the recovery, mental n physical well being proved to b so much much better.
I felt happier, I worried less, More in control. More normal faster.
I felt happier seeing myself, the rosy cheeks n lips , the warm hands stayed, I loved this.
And With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, I was able to break new grounds, like attaining a part of myself that I have never had.
Baby will b my constant reminder to creating new pathways rather than to fall back on habits.
When I was at my most painful, daddy gave me gas, rubbed my forehead n kissed me
I was floaty with gas
The pain n pressure was making me push. I almost succumbed but midwife Yang stopped me
“Don’t push! Don’t push! Concentrate on the gas!”
And daddy was the one so so so close to me when I was in pain
He egged me on:”just breathe! Breathe in n out. In n out . In n out !”
I tried my v best to divert my attention from the pressure n pain to him n listening to him
I did all I could
I listened to him
There seemed to b another voice in his voice , tender n yet, v firm
And then, I experienced life in its purest most form
Life slithered out of me. It was slippery sweet.
I still couldn’t believe what I managed
Daddy says its a great achievement
But I didn’t think much of it
now that I teared, yes that’s just great job Pin Yen
Daddy kept kissing me
Just like how he kissed me -non stop the day we married each other n said ” I do”
I was tired n floaty n Dr was stitching me, it was another kind of pain. But I just couldn’t help noticing daddy’s kisses. He kissed me non stop, he just couldn’t take himself away.
I loved that .
And then his red eyes.
After that he said:”心疼你。”
He was more agitated than me this time. I wonder why.
It is 11:46pm
Daddy really came back for me after gg home to keep the placenta .
To stay with me
I liked it that he did what he promised
Now as I lay on the bed
All that happened earlier just flashed across my mind
It came n went
Yet they were so real
So true n solid
N I , to the best of my ability practiced awareness n it allowed me to experience life in a some-what emotion-less or objective state
Involved yet Somewhat detached
In fact I was quite at peace thru out
There was not much fear
I kept my calm
Now with all that, I suddenly hear my colleague’s words again: 生孩子，很有成就感！
Yes! It’s that feeling.
And dear baby, u gave me the opportunity to many things. To experience pregnancy like i have never before. To right wrongs. To give birth without epidural. A chance to build my body again. A chance to b mom again.
I suddenly just felt I should name u 子予。
And Yes, I m just so proud of myself,so So SO proud that I have given my husband 2 children.
They r the best I can give to him besides myself.
I love you.