27 Jan:Breastfeeding

If there is any taste to describe Breastfeeding , it would b bittersweet
Breastfeeding is so so hard for mommy, ESP when milk hasn’t come in or when supply is low, or when bb is crying profusely, or when the confinement nanny keeps suggesting formula so bb wouldn’t cry n will go to sleep. Or when bb is biting the nipple n causing soreness. Or when the latching on is problematic.

But Breastfeeding is equally sweet, if not sweeter. Sweeeeet.
When bb falls asleep on the breast, it is one of the most beautiful picture/scene/moment in life.
You give him life n u give him nutrition n u give him growth.

I fall asleep every night these last few nights tired n a little dejected.
But I wake up each morning wanting to try n make improvements so bb can have breast milk n good nutrition to build him up.

It is encouraging to see that bb is not fussing on the breast or crying on the breast like a few days before..
It is nice to see him burp n fall asleep after a feed.
And to pee n shit many times, it shows he is having something.

Above all, I remind myself, no matter how tough, it is an opportunity given by bb to me to try on Breastfeeding , to have another chance n go at Breastfeeding .

And
The best way to say thanks would b to make good this opportunity.

26 Jan-Life’s sweet pain

Woke up to painful sensitive nipples n this

Then this!
Just great for one feed

One of the sweetest, happiest pains life can give, like delivery

This morning , we brought bb to his first checkup
Bb is 3 kg today.
Dr Ngiam says his jaundice is mild but we should still observe

Thereafter, we went to the Parentcraft centre n happened to meet this lady Cherry, a coordinator there who has v gd experience

She helped with the latch on n helped bb to change his bad latch on habit

Bb was angry at first but changed later

She taught daddy how to carry bb n mommy how to wear a supportive bra
She even recommended a specialist gd with keyloids after seeing mine

Back at home daddy carried bb to sleep, not putting him down even if bb has slept

I like to see father n son together, bonding. Daddy massaging the boy n moisturizing him.

The bonding happened more for him n this baby more than Qinzhi , becoz she was taken care by nanny

I couldn’t help but feel how much daddy could have done more if we were at home the last time.

But this was soon overtaken by the thought that this baby has given daddy an opportunity to do things he might have missed the last time round.

25Jan

不知不觉，宝宝回来已经2天。

宝宝长得很像沁芝
睡觉的模样尤其像

这2天，daddy辛苦了。
一会儿早起买菜，一会儿回家抱宝宝。
我看在眼里，却有一种说不出口的快乐和感动。
好像所有生产的疼痛都值得了。
宝宝哭了他就抱着哄着
宝宝睡觉他就抱着

mommy面对没奶的状况
不确定的时候他就安抚着
这些都是第一次生产的时候感觉不那么明显的。
原来，先生的参与是那么重要。

这两天奶还没来，宝宝饿得大哭。不舍得他饿。

我记得以前沁芝也这样，坚持不给她奶粉。
这次我知道了，决定给宝宝奶粉，他不知不觉就这么吃了一天。
加上吮吸不理想，乳头非常痛。

但觉得也ok
重点是宝宝不会饿。

他吃饱喝足，非常安静，不会尖叫大哭。
躺在我的胸膛，呼呼大睡

感觉
妈妈的胸膛就是宝宝的家。
爸爸的胸膛就是妈妈的家。

23 Jan

I spent the 1st fed hours of 23 Jan recounting 22 Jan
I just couldn’t sleep although I was tired n panting

Later, I realised what was
In my body
were memories
The body remembers all if has been through n the only way to digest these memories
Are to write abt them
At least
I had to breathe into them, in n out to manage them

As I touched my womb
I could not help saying thank u
For protecting baby for the ten months before
辛苦了
N I blessed it for a smooth n quick recovery

Then 1am came
Baby was brought in for breast feeding but he didn’t really seem keen

The nurse brought him back saying he doesn’t need food as yet

Then 3am
I fed him till 4 41am
N he is still crying
One nurse says he is hungry n needs milk but there isn’t enough
The other who came by later says bb wants to sleep

Anyhow, i enjoyed The bite of breast feeding
In fact it is painful
The tummy hurts v much as baby suckles, Dr Soon warned this already as the contraction of the womb
Still
It was sweet to taste after 4 yrs

It is 6:49pm
The 2nd day baby joined our family
He poo-ed 3 times n wet a nappy already

And he looks really like qinzhi when she was born, albeit a wee bit smaller

Popo was happy to hold him in her arms after 4yrs, when qinzhi was born
She smiled n remarked: “so cute”

She says baby has a round head n that’s nice

She brought me home cooked Mee sua
With pig’s kidney for breakfast

It seemed like yesterday I was eating this after qinzhi was born

In the same place, same taste , yet, so many things have changed

This time, I enjoyed seeing daddy being v hands on with baby

He is connecting with baby So naturally, the bond is simply amazing

Burping baby n seeing if he poo-ed, talking to baby

</a

I think baby really guides us

And before long, it's dinner time!

22 Jan: Giving birth, giving life

It is 22 Jan

And mommy is all packed, daddy n I have decided we should go to the hospital after breakfast.

I had my fair share of fear n worry when I slipped into some kind of lethargic mode, that didn’t seem to fade off after a night’s sleep.

And I was sensitive to baby ‘s well being if he didn’t kick or move.

But I tried to b aware n to remember Dr Soon’s words: water is enough , bb is good, placenta is gd

And baby did kick in the morning

So I felt more assured.

Still we both decide since baby is due n I m having contractions— albeit not those that intensify n last, I should b under medical supervision just to make sure.

So here we r, at my choice of breakfast at old tiong bahru bak kut teh

O by the way , ah mei yiyi signed the contract with Fullerton today n is asst marcoms mgr this day u r born.

It marks the start of her career as a communications mgr, like flipping open a page in a book

N u came today

🙂

It is 11:40am
Here I m at Gleneagles
Everything seemed familiar, yet not.
I m telling myself to use this opportunity to practice awareness.

The midwife checked me n I m still at 3cm. V much the same as yest morning when Dr Soon checked in her clinic.

It is 2:20pm
Dr Soon just broke the water bag 🙂
Just like when I had qinzhi

Daddy says he is excited now

2:35pm
The water is trickling out n
I can feel the contractions coming a bit stronger
They r a bit different fr the ones previously
Whereas they use to feel like a hook on the vaginal area, now they seem to start to affect the back too, if I feel correctly..

3:36pm
Staff nurse Yang came in to check on me. And she says there isn’t much contractions.

She mentioned Dr Soon’s advice —to put me on the oxytocin drip to bring on the contractions.

So I m waiting for that now.

At 5 plus 6pm or so, Dr Soon came by again
Not satisfied at the contractions, she ordered for a higher intensity of the drip

10:07pm
My tears just flowed now as I m writing all this

the escalating pain n contractions came on after I was put on the drip

Daddy saw the figures rise to beyond 120

I could contain the pain till the cervix dilated to 5cm

I was then given gas when I asked if I could still ask for an epidural, Yang initially said yes, then , no

She said i was gg to deliver quick n the epidural wont b in time, she coaxed me into using gas

it worked
I was relaxed, dizzy if too much

Then when I was dilated to 6-7cm
Just a bit disappointed at how slow things went
I suddenly felt the urge to push
The pressure to push was so real n intense

Daddy quickly called Yang

That was when I lost control

Yang shouted at me: “don’t do anything!”

Still,
Water came out n the force to expel n push all come along

Yang ‘s voice showed some pressure n urgency
the doc was called to come n I had to learn to resist the urge to push

N before long
It was about pushing
I pushed many many times before baby came
It was a lot of pain
I didn’t know how to push
It was a lot of pain
I didnt know how to breathe
It was A lot of effort

I was shouting out all the pain I have

Yang was ordering in a loud voice to grab me
“Stop letting out the noise! U r wasting ur energy!close ur mouth n push!”

Dr Soon says to push like when u have piles.she appeared indifferent n oblivious to my cries. i thought tat is remarkable.

I felt I was tearing n pushing all that I have

I was pushing frontiers v v forcefully
I was tearing myself apart

Besides chanting n visualizing guru rinpoche, I was telling myself: observe the pain, it’s just pain n nothing more, make frens with the pain, welcome it. Just, b aware . That’s good enough .

I take this as an opportunity to test what I have learnt from mingyur rinpoche to use
当成验收成绩的时候。

I told myself I want to create a new pathway.

I told myself there is nothing I cannot do if i do not limit myself. Don’t stop myself.

I told myself, I don’t want to take the old road again.

These were the most important thoughts that kept me going when the pain was threatening.

And…Baby arrived at 19:56 weighing 2.8kg much faster than I thought
And I did it without epidural
🙂
I did it with daddy’s total encouragement n cheering
Without him n his cheering , I would have succumbed.

With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, the recovery, mental n physical well being proved to b so much much better.

I felt happier, I worried less, More in control. More normal faster.

I felt happier seeing myself, the rosy cheeks n lips , the warm hands stayed, I loved this.

And With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, I was able to break new grounds, like attaining a part of myself that I have never had.

Baby will b my constant reminder to creating new pathways rather than to fall back on habits.

When I was at my most painful, daddy gave me gas, rubbed my forehead n kissed me

I was floaty with gas

The pain n pressure was making me push. I almost succumbed but midwife Yang stopped me
“Don’t push! Don’t push! Concentrate on the gas!”
And daddy was the one so so so close to me when I was in pain
He egged me on:”just breathe! Breathe in n out. In n out . In n out !”

I tried my v best to divert my attention from the pressure n pain to him n listening to him
I did all I could

I listened to him
There seemed to b another voice in his voice , tender n yet, v firm

And then, I experienced life in its purest most form

Life slithered out of me. It was slippery sweet.

Birth.

Giving life.

I still couldn’t believe what I managed

Daddy says its a great achievement
But I didn’t think much of it

now that I teared, yes that’s just great job Pin Yen

Daddy kept kissing me

Just like how he kissed me -non stop the day we married each other n said ” I do”

I was tired n floaty n Dr was stitching me, it was another kind of pain. But I just couldn’t help noticing daddy’s kisses. He kissed me non stop, he just couldn’t take himself away.

I loved that .

And then his red eyes.

After that he said:”心疼你。”

🙂

He was more agitated than me this time. I wonder why.

🙂

It is 11:46pm
Daddy really came back for me after gg home to keep the placenta .
To stay with me
I liked it that he did what he promised

Now as I lay on the bed
All that happened earlier just flashed across my mind
The pains
The kisses
Everything
It came n went
Yet they were so real
So true n solid
Bitingly

N I , to the best of my ability practiced awareness n it allowed me to experience life in a some-what emotion-less or objective state
Involved yet Somewhat detached

In fact I was quite at peace thru out
There was not much fear
I kept my calm

Now with all that, I suddenly hear my colleague’s words again: 生孩子，很有成就感！

Yes! It’s that feeling.
And dear baby, u gave me the opportunity to many things. To experience pregnancy like i have never before. To right wrongs. To give birth without epidural. A chance to build my body again. A chance to b mom again.

I suddenly just felt I should name u 子予。
叶子予。
叶家的孩子，懂得给、分享的意思。

And Yes, I m just so proud of myself,so So SO proud that I have given my husband 2 children.

They r the best I can give to him besides myself.

I love you.

21 Jan

Dear baby

it is 21 Jan n we r visiting Dr Soon at 930am as arranged.

I didnt sleep well last night, maybe i was eager and a bit impatient, but i reminded myself to keep cool n not be too eager in the wait.

等，不能急。

She mentioned an internal examination last week.

But I still harbour the thought that you will be natural and i welcome you to ease out of mommy with great safety, happiness and ease.

🙂

It is 11:14am
After lovely cedele breakfast

We went to c Gynae Soon
Mommy is 77.2kg n baby is 3.186kg
She did a checkup n found the cervix to have dilated to 3 cm

And she says: you can get changed n go to hospital!

But also, she mentioned natural is best so mommy decided to really wait for baby n the contractions to get stronger before I go to hospital

And ah mei yiyi knows me best.
She says, “and so u will go shopping n get some nice food right?”

Yes.

And so here I m shopping at takashimaya , the Chinese New Year fair is on

O n ah mei yiyi say baby is now an Aquarius like qinzhi, not Capricorn , what a surprise !

About the Aquarius baby:
Aquarius is the sign that begins on January 21 and ends on February 18.

Your Aquarius child certainly marches to the beat of his own drum. This little one is quirky and will constantly surprise you with how creative and original he can be.

He is likely to be quite sociable and will make lots of friends easily. He’ll love having playmates that differ in background and culture to him.

Aquarius children are attracted to variety and new experiences. Your little Aquarius might like unusual foods that other children won’t even try, like hot peppers and strong cheeses. Or he might spend hours in his room, inventing something technical, functional and just all-around incredible!

Pursuing his own freedom and individuality is at the top of your little one’s priorities, so you should give him plenty of space. If Aquarius children aren’t allowed to express themselves, they can become rebellious or stubborn and even quietly depressed.

Let your child dress himself as soon as he can, and give him plenty of books, art supplies, and other bits and pieces to encourage his creativity. Aquarius children tend to be quite intelligent. They’re natural forward-thinkers and have a good understanding of the world, so your little one might grow up to be something of an excellent problem solver.

Your child may surprise you with his interests and life choices, but if you can stay open to the way his mind works, you’re likely to find he’s a genius in his own right. Aquarius children just need time to find the best way of expressing their brilliance.

O n mommy has duck rice for lunch

Baby, lets go natural!

20 Jan

Dear baby

It is 20 Jan today.

I woke up n pee-ed n found some blood streaks in the discharge

There was more of the discharge today n I think it’s the mucus plug or “show” as the pregnancy books termed it.

In my sleep, I had some bad menstrual like cramps.

I woke up feeling a bit jittery .. As if approaching something..I kept telling baby, lets go natural!

This morning, the tummy hardened with more clarity n intensity.

I think bb is coming.

But how , I do not know. Like a flower blossoming, baby chooses his own time n method.

And this whole process becomes a complete mystery as well as a kind of unexplained surprise to us all.

It suddenly just dawned upon me that we have tried to understand things or life using our rational mind too much. Trying to work out how, when, why n etc. n trying to give ourselves answers.

But as with many things in life, not all questions lead to answers , in fact, questions lead to more questions n confusion.

Away from simplicity n nature.

And so, way too often, we fail to approach things n life with instinct. Too much we have failed to appreciate the beauty of the spontaneity of things.

As with birth too.

But I think I handled this wait well.

I still went out with daddy after all , I walked n the tummy hardened n pained

We had ya hua bak kut teh

Then dessert, I had a liking for sesame n walnut paste this time

Then coconut!

19 Jan

亲爱的宝宝

每个人都在关心mommy：＂有没有动静？＂
我摇头。
你现在还在我的肚子里动动、动动。

在我们这里，宝宝似乎都有早出生的案例，所以38-41周虽然是正常，但真正等到41周出生的宝宝似乎不多。

mommy对这一点还ok，但这几天有时候不免会有些小担心，小紧张：比如会不会催生？催生后会不会很痛？原本很期待你自然降临，感受你自然来临的美妙和神奇。但现在也要做一做催生的打算，甚至是剖腹。
在不确定当中，情绪有时候不是太稳当，但我会有awareness，告诉自己，观察这些念头就好。

另外，我的内心里还是有一把声音，叫我要

相信你。
学习、学会相信。
也学习等待。安心等待。享受等待。

我倾向于这个。

baby，我相信你。

3 years 11 months

19/1/2013

等待baby的时候，沁芝已经是3岁又11个月，换句话，多一个月的今天，沁芝就4岁了。

亲爱的沁芝，生病了，发烧，在pasir ris，开学之后沁芝就感冒了，没两周又感冒发烧，前几天好像吃了什么不消化，吐了。她吐了之后，说：“我好了”，让我们大人们很讶异，小孩怎么会这么厉害！

婆婆姨姨看沁芝辛苦，好不心疼。

他们说，这个活泼的小孩，我们做父母的一定要多注意，一定是哪里不对劲，沁芝才会一直赖沙发，才会闹情绪。他们说，沁芝这么辛苦，也不哭闹，只是不断忍耐强忍，好让人心疼。

mommy希望沁芝下来每天都健健康康平平安安，开开心心快快乐乐的。

回去看过去一个月，沁芝大多数都在pasir ris，但我们还是尽可能把宝贝沁芝接回来，和她一起过节。比如圣诞节，

沁芝回来了：）

圣诞老人也来了：）

沁芝在圣诞节前夕说：＂I want a good breakfast.＂

于是我们吃了maison kayser早餐

让小妮子自己吃crossiant

然后painting

daddy给沁芝换上新的窗帘

奇妙的是，沁芝这两天学会了不尿在尿片，有尿也会在半夜睡醒，起来说要尿。

I m so proud of her

她早前说不要穿尿片，会自动在半夜起床尿，果然说到做到！

31日这一天，带沁芝一起去看gynae soon和baby，沁芝现在已经不怕了，可以和医生攀谈要糖果。

过后带她去吃杏仁糊豆腐花，她津津有味，可以吃一碗

2.1.2013

开学第一天，宝贝起个大早，给她绑辫子上学去，怎么知道，在楼下等了半小时，校车却迟迟不见踪影。mommy气得火滚，让我的小宝贝在楼下吹风事小，重点是，不愿别人的过失让宝贝错过开学的程序和喜悦。
前几天已在为沁芝准备开学的心态，告诉她，将再碰到同学，让她多和同学沟通、互动。

开学第二天，带沁芝去搭校车，小妮子会抱着我，亲亲我的肚皮

看她欢欢喜喜上学，期待上学。mommy也很受感染。光是和沁芝一起体验那份期待，已是一种幸福。

这一天，阿妹阿姨从韩国回来了。

沁芝看到阿姨，先一阵的陌生，之后说：＂such a long time never see u＂

这个时候的沁芝，喜欢听也会唱卢广仲的＜我爱你＞，然后高兴随着节拍拍掌点头。

沁芝最近爱穿ah tin阿姨的丝袜，她说，晚上穿开冷气的时候就不需要盖被子。

她在这里吃到我们小时候的味道。

她开心拎着阿妹阿姨买回来的新包包要上班

这一天，庚延舅舅把买给沁芝的圣诞礼物拿来，阿妹姨姨又来睡觉，沁芝好开心

今天是1月9日
daddy和沁芝一起fix playpen

沁芝好兴奋，不断说：＂I want to sit inside ＂
“U carry me inside let me try try la”

由沁芝把playpen推入房间

沁芝说，她可以睡一边，弟弟睡一边。

沁芝好兴奋，好开心，开心到要睡在playpen的房间，要我们一块睡

这一天，mommy已经39周，婆婆担心daddy上班时宝宝要出来，第二次来陪我们，住在我们家。mommy觉得很感激，约了阿妹姨姨，带沁芝和婆婆外出用晚餐。

沁芝很会认路，回家的路上黑漆漆，但巴士转弯驶入tiong bahru rd，沁芝对婆婆说：＂到了！＂

期待baby出来的这个周末，沁芝有些感冒了，在姨姨婆婆家。豪gorgor去新山，买了这双拖鞋给她

阿姨婆婆又买了裙子给沁芝。就像小时候买给mommy和阿妹阿姨一样。同一款式，我的那件大一点，妹妹那件小一点。
这么一晃30年，妹妹已经30岁。

这一天，我在床上和沁芝聊天，想起同事指点的：每晚临睡，想想今天10件快乐的事情。我就以此和沁芝这么聊……她说，开心的是：对着同学笑：）

好美丽的答案。

前阵子，我和她玩起daily hugs，就是抱抱她，但方式每日更新。才几天，她已经习惯上，会对着阿妹阿姨这么做。

：）

有一天，mommy说，lets smile n sleep，隔天沁芝居然记得，mommy忘记了，还是沁芝提醒，微笑入睡。做个美梦。

最近沁芝在练习呼啦圈

越练效果越是好。

在等待baby出世的这些日子里，我在期待中回忆沁芝出世的点滴，除了脑子里的一切，还有之前这么一笔一笔，收集在blog的记忆。

不知不觉，小宝贝已经快4岁。

已经可以帮mommy擦油

好多心情，好多情境都不一样了。我记得以前的老板潘正镭说：“家里多了一个小孩，两个人变三个。是不一样的境界了。”

果不其然。

亲爱的宝贝，may u b well n happy ！

18 Jan

1月18日

dear baby
I do think u like mommy 🙂
I think u like to b with me n is a little lazy
I think u like to eat wat I eat n think wat I think
For u r still inside me after 4 days after the estimated delivery date.

today , u were v v active, u moved abt a lot, kicked me a lot n u made me smile looking at my tummy move

daddy都说，等得有些不耐烦了，而且小担心，担心得催生。
不止daddy，庚延舅舅、公公都在心急。阿妹姨姨问我有没有和你沟通。

至于我的心情，我好像还好。
我本来还有些抗拒催生，但现在觉得，如果要催生，那就催生，那也是一种方式。
我只是突然有所领悟，宝宝要出世，还给我上一课。

这一课叫＂有时＂。
生命当中的任何一切都是因缘具足才发生的。
这两个星期每一天都在期待、幻想当中度过。
比如幻想：水袋会不会破？期待在一池水中醒来。对肚子疼痛特别敏感。

但都没有＂发生＂。

就像人生很多其他事情一样，生产也是瞬间成立变换的。

宝宝在肚子里提醒我无常，因缘具足、有时的道理。

等待当儿，我又在好奇心驱使下，找寻宝宝的一点一滴。

十二、腊月出生的龙宝宝（阳历1月5日—2月3日）
腊月月序癸丑，年月干支五行重叠。腊月出生的龙宝宝，天生就具有不同凡响的才情，很容易脱颖而出，却免不了有小人作祟，或嫉妒生事，或造谣中伤。这样的情形反而练就了龙宝宝宠辱不惊，达观豁达的气度。