27 Jan:Breastfeeding

If there is any taste to describe Breastfeeding , it would b bittersweet
Breastfeeding is so so hard for mommy, ESP when milk hasn’t come in or when supply is low, or when bb is crying profusely, or when the confinement nanny keeps suggesting formula so bb wouldn’t cry n will go to sleep. Or when bb is biting the nipple n causing soreness. Or when the latching on is problematic.

But Breastfeeding is equally sweet, if not sweeter. Sweeeeet.
When bb falls asleep on the breast, it is one of the most beautiful picture/scene/moment in life.
You give him life n u give him nutrition n u give him growth.

I fall asleep every night these last few nights tired n a little dejected.
But I wake up each morning wanting to try n make improvements so bb can have breast milk n good nutrition to build him up.

It is encouraging to see that bb is not fussing on the breast or crying on the breast like a few days before..
It is nice to see him burp n fall asleep after a feed.
And to pee n shit many times, it shows he is having something.

Above all, I remind myself, no matter how tough, it is an opportunity given by bb to me to try on Breastfeeding , to have another chance n go at Breastfeeding .

The best way to say thanks would b to make good this opportunity.


26 Jan-Life’s sweet pain

Woke up to painful sensitive nipples n this


Then this!
Just great for one feed


One of the sweetest, happiest pains life can give, like delivery

This morning , we brought bb to his first checkup
Bb is 3 kg today.
Dr Ngiam says his jaundice is mild but we should still observe

Thereafter, we went to the Parentcraft centre n happened to meet this lady Cherry, a coordinator there who has v gd experience

She helped with the latch on n helped bb to change his bad latch on habit

Bb was angry at first but changed later


She taught daddy how to carry bb n mommy how to wear a supportive bra
She even recommended a specialist gd with keyloids after seeing mine


Back at home daddy carried bb to sleep, not putting him down even if bb has slept

I like to see father n son together, bonding. Daddy massaging the boy n moisturizing him.

The bonding happened more for him n this baby more than Qinzhi , becoz she was taken care by nanny

I couldn’t help but feel how much daddy could have done more if we were at home the last time.

But this was soon overtaken by the thought that this baby has given daddy an opportunity to do things he might have missed the last time round.




















23 Jan

I spent the 1st fed hours of 23 Jan recounting 22 Jan
I just couldn’t sleep although I was tired n panting

Later, I realised what was
In my body
were memories
The body remembers all if has been through n the only way to digest these memories
Are to write abt them
At least
I had to breathe into them, in n out to manage them

As I touched my womb
I could not help saying thank u
For protecting baby for the ten months before
N I blessed it for a smooth n quick recovery

Then 1am came
Baby was brought in for breast feeding but he didn’t really seem keen

The nurse brought him back saying he doesn’t need food as yet

Then 3am
I fed him till 4 41am
N he is still crying
One nurse says he is hungry n needs milk but there isn’t enough
The other who came by later says bb wants to sleep



Anyhow, i enjoyed The bite of breast feeding
In fact it is painful
The tummy hurts v much as baby suckles, Dr Soon warned this already as the contraction of the womb
It was sweet to taste after 4 yrs

It is 6:49pm
The 2nd day baby joined our family
He poo-ed 3 times n wet a nappy already

And he looks really like qinzhi when she was born, albeit a wee bit smaller


Popo was happy to hold him in her arms after 4yrs, when qinzhi was born
She smiled n remarked: “so cute”

She says baby has a round head n that’s nice

She brought me home cooked Mee sua
With pig’s kidney for breakfast


It seemed like yesterday I was eating this after qinzhi was born

In the same place, same taste , yet, so many things have changed

This time, I enjoyed seeing daddy being v hands on with baby

He is connecting with baby So naturally, the bond is simply amazing

Burping baby n seeing if he poo-ed, talking to baby


I think baby really guides us

And before long, it's dinner time!



22 Jan: Giving birth, giving life

It is 22 Jan

And mommy is all packed, daddy n I have decided we should go to the hospital after breakfast.

I had my fair share of fear n worry when I slipped into some kind of lethargic mode, that didn’t seem to fade off after a night’s sleep.

And I was sensitive to baby ‘s well being if he didn’t kick or move.

But I tried to b aware n to remember Dr Soon’s words: water is enough , bb is good, placenta is gd

And baby did kick in the morning

So I felt more assured.

Still we both decide since baby is due n I m having contractions— albeit not those that intensify n last, I should b under medical supervision just to make sure.

So here we r, at my choice of breakfast at old tiong bahru bak kut teh


O by the way , ah mei yiyi signed the contract with Fullerton today n is asst marcoms mgr this day u r born.

It marks the start of her career as a communications mgr, like flipping open a page in a book

N u came today


It is 11:40am
Here I m at Gleneagles
Everything seemed familiar, yet not.
I m telling myself to use this opportunity to practice awareness.

The midwife checked me n I m still at 3cm. V much the same as yest morning when Dr Soon checked in her clinic.

It is 2:20pm
Dr Soon just broke the water bag 🙂
Just like when I had qinzhi

Daddy says he is excited now


The water is trickling out n
I can feel the contractions coming a bit stronger
They r a bit different fr the ones previously
Whereas they use to feel like a hook on the vaginal area, now they seem to start to affect the back too, if I feel correctly..

Staff nurse Yang came in to check on me. And she says there isn’t much contractions.

She mentioned Dr Soon’s advice —to put me on the oxytocin drip to bring on the contractions.

So I m waiting for that now.

At 5 plus 6pm or so, Dr Soon came by again
Not satisfied at the contractions, she ordered for a higher intensity of the drip

My tears just flowed now as I m writing all this

the escalating pain n contractions came on after I was put on the drip

Daddy saw the figures rise to beyond 120

I could contain the pain till the cervix dilated to 5cm

I was then given gas when I asked if I could still ask for an epidural, Yang initially said yes, then , no

She said i was gg to deliver quick n the epidural wont b in time, she coaxed me into using gas

it worked
I was relaxed, dizzy if too much

Then when I was dilated to 6-7cm
Just a bit disappointed at how slow things went
I suddenly felt the urge to push
The pressure to push was so real n intense

Daddy quickly called Yang

That was when I lost control

Yang shouted at me: “don’t do anything!”

Water came out n the force to expel n push all come along

Yang ‘s voice showed some pressure n urgency
the doc was called to come n I had to learn to resist the urge to push

N before long
It was about pushing
I pushed many many times before baby came
It was a lot of pain
I didn’t know how to push
It was a lot of pain
I didnt know how to breathe
It was A lot of effort

I was shouting out all the pain I have

Yang was ordering in a loud voice to grab me
“Stop letting out the noise! U r wasting ur energy!close ur mouth n push!”

Dr Soon says to push like when u have piles.she appeared indifferent n oblivious to my cries. i thought tat is remarkable.

I felt I was tearing n pushing all that I have

I was pushing frontiers v v forcefully
I was tearing myself apart

Besides chanting n visualizing guru rinpoche, I was telling myself: observe the pain, it’s just pain n nothing more, make frens with the pain, welcome it. Just, b aware . That’s good enough .

I take this as an opportunity to test what I have learnt from mingyur rinpoche to use

I told myself I want to create a new pathway.

I told myself there is nothing I cannot do if i do not limit myself. Don’t stop myself.

I told myself, I don’t want to take the old road again.

These were the most important thoughts that kept me going when the pain was threatening.

And…Baby arrived at 19:56 weighing 2.8kg much faster than I thought
And I did it without epidural
I did it with daddy’s total encouragement n cheering
Without him n his cheering , I would have succumbed.

With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, the recovery, mental n physical well being proved to b so much much better.

I felt happier, I worried less, More in control. More normal faster.

I felt happier seeing myself, the rosy cheeks n lips , the warm hands stayed, I loved this.

And With a somewhat strong n stable mental state, I was able to break new grounds, like attaining a part of myself that I have never had.

Baby will b my constant reminder to creating new pathways rather than to fall back on habits.

When I was at my most painful, daddy gave me gas, rubbed my forehead n kissed me

I was floaty with gas

The pain n pressure was making me push. I almost succumbed but midwife Yang stopped me
“Don’t push! Don’t push! Concentrate on the gas!”
And daddy was the one so so so close to me when I was in pain
He egged me on:”just breathe! Breathe in n out. In n out . In n out !”

I tried my v best to divert my attention from the pressure n pain to him n listening to him
I did all I could

I listened to him
There seemed to b another voice in his voice , tender n yet, v firm

And then, I experienced life in its purest most form

Life slithered out of me. It was slippery sweet.


Giving life.

I still couldn’t believe what I managed

Daddy says its a great achievement
But I didn’t think much of it

now that I teared, yes that’s just great job Pin Yen

Daddy kept kissing me

Just like how he kissed me -non stop the day we married each other n said ” I do”

I was tired n floaty n Dr was stitching me, it was another kind of pain. But I just couldn’t help noticing daddy’s kisses. He kissed me non stop, he just couldn’t take himself away.

I loved that .

And then his red eyes.

After that he said:”心疼你。”


He was more agitated than me this time. I wonder why.



It is 11:46pm
Daddy really came back for me after gg home to keep the placenta .
To stay with me
I liked it that he did what he promised

Now as I lay on the bed
All that happened earlier just flashed across my mind
The pains
The kisses
It came n went
Yet they were so real
So true n solid

N I , to the best of my ability practiced awareness n it allowed me to experience life in a some-what emotion-less or objective state
Involved yet Somewhat detached

In fact I was quite at peace thru out
There was not much fear
I kept my calm

Now with all that, I suddenly hear my colleague’s words again: 生孩子,很有成就感!

Yes! It’s that feeling.
And dear baby, u gave me the opportunity to many things. To experience pregnancy like i have never before. To right wrongs. To give birth without epidural. A chance to build my body again. A chance to b mom again.

I suddenly just felt I should name u 子予。

And Yes, I m just so proud of myself,so So SO proud that I have given my husband 2 children.

They r the best I can give to him besides myself.

I love you.


21 Jan

Dear baby

it is 21 Jan n we r visiting Dr Soon at 930am as arranged.

I didnt sleep well last night, maybe i was eager and a bit impatient, but i reminded myself to keep cool n not be too eager in the wait.


She mentioned an internal examination last week.

But I still harbour the thought that you will be natural and i welcome you to ease out of mommy with great safety, happiness and ease.


It is 11:14am
After lovely cedele breakfast


We went to c Gynae Soon
Mommy is 77.2kg n baby is 3.186kg
She did a checkup n found the cervix to have dilated to 3 cm

And she says: you can get changed n go to hospital!

But also, she mentioned natural is best so mommy decided to really wait for baby n the contractions to get stronger before I go to hospital

And ah mei yiyi knows me best.
She says, “and so u will go shopping n get some nice food right?”


And so here I m shopping at takashimaya , the Chinese New Year fair is on


O n ah mei yiyi say baby is now an Aquarius like qinzhi, not Capricorn , what a surprise !

About the Aquarius baby:
Aquarius is the sign that begins on January 21 and ends on February 18.

Your Aquarius child certainly marches to the beat of his own drum. This little one is quirky and will constantly surprise you with how creative and original he can be.

He is likely to be quite sociable and will make lots of friends easily. He’ll love having playmates that differ in background and culture to him.

Aquarius children are attracted to variety and new experiences. Your little Aquarius might like unusual foods that other children won’t even try, like hot peppers and strong cheeses. Or he might spend hours in his room, inventing something technical, functional and just all-around incredible!

Pursuing his own freedom and individuality is at the top of your little one’s priorities, so you should give him plenty of space. If Aquarius children aren’t allowed to express themselves, they can become rebellious or stubborn and even quietly depressed.

Let your child dress himself as soon as he can, and give him plenty of books, art supplies, and other bits and pieces to encourage his creativity. Aquarius children tend to be quite intelligent. They’re natural forward-thinkers and have a good understanding of the world, so your little one might grow up to be something of an excellent problem solver.

Your child may surprise you with his interests and life choices, but if you can stay open to the way his mind works, you’re likely to find he’s a genius in his own right. Aquarius children just need time to find the best way of expressing their brilliance.

O n mommy has duck rice for lunch


Baby, lets go natural!


20 Jan

Dear baby

It is 20 Jan today.

I woke up n pee-ed n found some blood streaks in the discharge

There was more of the discharge today n I think it’s the mucus plug or “show” as the pregnancy books termed it.

In my sleep, I had some bad menstrual like cramps.

I woke up feeling a bit jittery .. As if approaching something..I kept telling baby, lets go natural!

This morning, the tummy hardened with more clarity n intensity.

I think bb is coming.

But how , I do not know. Like a flower blossoming, baby chooses his own time n method.

And this whole process becomes a complete mystery as well as a kind of unexplained surprise to us all.

It suddenly just dawned upon me that we have tried to understand things or life using our rational mind too much. Trying to work out how, when, why n etc. n trying to give ourselves answers.

But as with many things in life, not all questions lead to answers , in fact, questions lead to more questions n confusion.

Away from simplicity n nature.

And so, way too often, we fail to approach things n life with instinct. Too much we have failed to appreciate the beauty of the spontaneity of things.

As with birth too.

But I think I handled this wait well.

I still went out with daddy after all , I walked n the tummy hardened n pained

We had ya hua bak kut teh


Then dessert, I had a liking for sesame n walnut paste this time


Then coconut!