空间。氧气

Dear qinzhi

I want to tell u about space n it’s Importance

我最近才意识到
空间对我来说是那么那么重要的事情

i should have known.
Tsoknyi rinpoche在讲座中说的，心中怀抱各种情绪。错误的不是情绪，是空间。他拿起笔，在容器里晃来晃去，让我们看到我们是如何在局限自己，如何不给自己空间。

更早前，文雁说了，只要心够大，不是问题。不会有问题。

还有工作上文章不断被修改
自小到大总是在做别人眼中的自己
包括前一两年一直努力去沁芝daddy心中的mummy
等等
都关乎空间
我昨天再次感受到空间的重要性

我终于开口问，我们要不要多一个孩子？
我记得，以前沁芝daddy的立场很坚决：不要孩子，因为只是带他来到这里让他受苦
我以前尝试说出我的看法
But I would always feel frustrated exasperated n helpless bcoz he wouldn’t even TAKE a look at my point of view
There is no space for me n my point of view

我想他这辈子都不会了解我心里的想法，尽管我已经说过。

我不知道沁芝的降临有没有给他任何影响，但我想，如果不是意外有了沁芝，或许我们到现在也还不是爸爸妈妈

是要不要看的问题。

昨晚临睡再次谈起
我说：你怎么不问我的看法？
Don’t my views n thoughts n feelings matter at all? Doesn’t he want to check these feelings at all?

他说不问并不代表没有思考

My heart sank

Isn’t a life partner’s two cents worth consulting at all?
Why is there no interest at all?
As I see it, this is a v big problem

In the way he does things,
He doesn’t create space for co-creation for all issues in a relationship

And made it a downright selfish one sided bigotry

单是这点，我已经觉得无法呼吸。我觉得被挤压。被压迫。

因为完全没有给我空间呼吸

那天走出地铁，也是因为里头没有氧气了。我需要，不然实在不知道应该怎么继续。

但也是这样，我开始意识到保护自己和自己的空间的重要性。

不要让自己的空间被别人剥夺或操纵了。这些日子以来承受的委屈和压力，也是因为自己没有看管好自己的空间。

空间，不一定得靠别人给予。必行懂得自己创造。为自己开拓空间。然后保护你的空间。

空间和青春一样，直到你失去了你才会发现它的重要。

乐观

我要教导沁芝

乐观
坚强
勇敢

我必须先乐观坚强勇敢

王菲2011

 

看了王菲就好了。

上一次看王菲，是7年前。

好一个，七年之痒。

坐在旁边的弟弟说，清楚记得，上一次，王菲的最后一首歌曲是《人间》，他记得幕后一片白布，她唱完，左边右边鞠躬，然后消失台下。

他为之惊艳。

那次看王菲是在2004年。

panic attack的2年之后。

这一次，也是在之后的。

这一次的王菲，比上一次的，开怀。她挥手多了，还是只是谢谢5、6声，还是没有说话，但笑容明显多了。我看了也很开心。

人到了一定的年龄，总会觉得以前的自己很傻，然后就不会再像以前那样behave

她应该也是这样吧。

她的演唱会导演是王家卫，以四季为主题展开歌曲的演唱，一开场，她从白色的山洞／冬天走出来，到最后的春、夏，她安排的歌曲是充满佛教重生意味的新房客、彼岸花

期间，服装、化妆跟着四季的冷热交替

容易让人follow的主题。

四季。让人不觉思考————自己处在哪一季？有时是一年里边有四季，有时是一天里边有四季，有时是一小时里有四季。

而不论是哪一季，它总会过去。

最喜欢她的ending。

最后一首歌是彼岸花。

她的舞台设计是前台安排的舞台盖子揭开，让一面大镜子面向观众。她唱彼岸花，地上投射的画面全再投射到镜子上。她的唱功了的。唱完了消失了。

然后观众只看见自己。

然后舞台的灯逐渐亮起。空中听到她唱的《心经》

荧光幕上写着这样的几个字：“给他们”

ending很突兀。

她就像一场大家经验的美丽的梦。

就像一切的人生。

让人玩味无穷。

看了王菲就好了。

 

 

Life

October 28, 2011
Your Perfect Teacher

All the situations in our lives, from the insignificant to the major, teach us exactly what we need to be learning.

Many of us long to find a spiritual teacher or guru. We may feel unsure of how to practice our spirituality without one, or we may long for someone who has attained a higher level of insight to lead the way for us. Some of us have been looking for years to no avail and feel frustrated and even lost. The good news is that the greatest teacher you could ever want is always with you—that is your life.

The people and situations we encounter every day have much to teach us when we are open to receiving their wisdom. Often we don’t recognize our teachers because they may not look or act like our idea of a guru, yet they may embody great wisdom. In addition, some people teach us by showing us what we don’t want to do. All the situations in our lives, from the insignificant to the major, conspire to teach us exactly what we need to be learning at any given time. Patience, compassion, perseverance, honesty, letting go—all these are covered in the classroom of the teacher that is your life.

We can help ourselves to remember this perfect teacher each day with a few simple words. Each morning we might find a moment to say, “I acknowledge and honor the teacher that is my life. May I be wise enough to recognize the teachers and lessons that I encounter today, and may I be open to receiving their wisdom.” We might also take some time each day to consider what our lives are trying to teach us at this time. A difficult phase in your relationship with your child may be teaching you to let go. The homeless person you see every day may be showing you the boundaries of your compassion and generosity. A spate of lost items may be asking you to be more present to physical reality. Trust your intuition on the nature of the lesson at hand, work at your own pace, and ask as many questions as you want. Your life has all the answers.

所以这两年的课是什么？
是教导我不要担心
不要胡思乱想
不要看没有的
学习看拥有的
学习珍惜眼前和现在
学习awareness

学习detach
学习直接从心出发
学习不要有太多思考和顾虑

也是教导我知道和认识自己
reach down to my heart
follow my heart
是教导我believe n trust myself
也是教导我人生
教导我学习放下
教导我珍惜
教导我选择

更是教导乐观

也是教导我照顾自己的身心
如何照顾自己的身心

这以上都需要勇气智慧

庚延舅舅loves mummy

傍晚弟弟来电，问要不要吃豆花？
昨天外出随口说
听说老伴的豆花好吃
今天他便买来
带沁芝下去拿，沁芝说
是庚延舅舅买给芝芝和mummy吃的
庚延舅舅loves mummy

真好吃

The value of life’s experiences

On creativity and cross-pollination:

Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that the…y’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people. Unfortunately, that’s too rare a commodity. A lot of people in our industry haven’t had very diverse experiences. So they don’t have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one’s understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have.” ~ Wired, February, 1995
－－－－－－－ I, Steve。

Being Aware of Your Thoughts

October 24, 2011 Curative Attentiveness

We seldom accept negative comments from others, however, we so often accept our own inner negative chatter. Few people enjoy the company of individuals whose attitudes are persistently negative. Yet many of us tolerate the critical chatter that can originate within our own minds. Since we are so used to the stream of self-limiting, critical consciousness that winds its way through our thoughts, we are often unaware of the impact these musings have on our lives. It is only when we become aware of the power of such thoughts that we can divest ourselves of them and fill the emptiness they leave with loving, peaceful affirmations.

Many people, upon paying careful attention to their thinking patterns, are surprised at the negativity they find there. But when we take notice of involuntary thoughts in a nonjudgmental way, we initiate a healing process that will eventually allow us to replace intimidating and upsetting self-talk with positive, empowering thoughts. While the occasional downbeat or judgmental thought may have little impact on your contentment, the ongoing negativity that passes unnoticed can have a dampening effect on your mood and your outlook. When you are aware of the tone of your thoughts, however, you can challenge them.

Try to be conscious of your feelings, opinions, and judgments for a single day. From sunup to sundown, scrutinize the messages you are feeding into your subconscious mind. Consider your thoughts from the perspective of a detached observer and try not to judge yourself based on the notions that come unbidden into your mind.

Simply watch the flow of your consciousness and make a note of the number of times you find yourself focusing on gloomy notions or indulging in self-directed criticism. As you become increasingly aware of your patterns of thought, whether positive and negative, you will gradually learn to control the character of your stream of consciousness. Endeavor always to remember that the images and ideas that pass through your mind are transient and not a true representation of who you are. In training yourself to be cognizant of your thoughts, you gain the ability to actively modulate your mood.

The awareness you cultivate within yourself will eventually enable you to create a foundation of positivity from which you can build a more authentic existence.

32 months

Happy 32 months dearie ：）

从喝奶的baby到坐在餐桌上吃粥，这真是很不容易的。很值得庆祝的、鼓励的。

沁芝有一双会说话的眼睛。昨天mummy工作得累了，拿出手机开启相簿，看到刚刚出世的沁芝，仿佛听到沁芝的哇哇哭声，看着婴儿的沁芝，对比现在的沁芝，发现人不论怎么长大，还是有一股气息一直联系着最初的自己。

沁芝的就是眼睛了。从来没有离开过最初出生的样子。

9月的20日这天是daddy mummy的结婚纪念日。
daddy早上起来就说：三年了咧。mummy就觉得够了。
也曾想过，要和daddy去吃一顿，去过二人世界，connect一下？去找回两个人的感觉。
但daddy没有任何计划。mummy也想看沁芝，于是又到pasir ris去。

这一天，我们和沁芝一起唱歌，一起玩chug chug choo choo的游戏（某天，mummy突然觉得，可以用四肢和想象力配合这段音符，鼓励孩子创意地用身体表达自己）、还有丢手巾的游戏，乐得沁芝，夜乐了自己。

这一天，发现沁芝懂白冰冰，会说mummy懒惰，还会指正mummy唱wheels of the bus时姿势错误！

利害！

问沁芝，沁芝是mummy的谁？她说：宝贝！
那mummy是沁芝的谁？
宝贝：）

这个时候的沁芝，能背唐诗＜静夜思＞

这一天，带姨姨婆婆和珊姐姐去满福苑用餐，正好是mummy的农历生日。

这个时候的沁芝，依然是不时会收到礼物。stanley舅舅每天买早餐，也预了沁芝一份，猪肠粉和芋头糕，正是mummy怀孕时也经常爱吃的。还有daddy买的cookery set

这天带沁芝回去pasir ris。姨姨去ikea买了张小藤椅，沁芝坐着打鼓，真是漂亮的画面！

还有mummy上回到daiso买的recorder。让沁芝又爱上baby einstein series的“meet the orchestra”不管是brass section还是woodwind section，沁芝都认得那些乐器，说得出bassoon、clarinet、flute、french horn、trumpet、trombone⋯⋯最爱的，当然就是recorder

一边看着画面，一边拿起来吹

阿姨还买了xylophone

这个时候的沁芝，第一次完balloon，知道了balloon可以装气，看着漏气的气球在空中乱飞，总是哈哈笑

我们确定沁芝很爱音乐，爱听歌、爱唱歌。听到福建歌曲，还会哼哼唱唱。要是在房间，还会跑出来客厅仔细听。

和沁芝一起复习在音乐课学过的歌曲，加入一些动作，是沁芝很爱的活动，每每可以玩上一个小时。这天她抓着豪gorgor买的玩具熊，教小熊跳舞唱歌

这个时候的沁芝，开始上舞蹈课。发现沁芝喜欢律动、节奏。喜欢摇晃身体。这点是mummy比较没有的。

沁芝应该是比mummy daddy更活泼更好动的人。

上回和朋友聊天，提到“德智体群美”

沁芝的体育应该可以进一步发展。

这个时候的沁芝，很爱美。

有时赞她美，她好像飞上天。有时，说她美，让她在镜子看看自己。她不太爱。有时，一照上，就不断欣赏自己的美态。看到她穿上之前在瑞士买的衣服，就觉得很开心。买的人开心，用的人开心。

双倍的开心！

这个时候的沁芝，还是enjoy浇花

回家的时候，会带沁芝去呼吸早晨的空气，让她体验早晨的活动

这一天，我们到pasir ris town park，让沁芝踏青，看看他人在公园跑步、垂钓、歇息

她自己当然也有活动，就是她喜欢的suu！

体验了早晨的活动，带沁芝去vivocity，看看傍晚的景色，品尝黄昏的斜阳微风。单是这个小斜坡，已经让她乐昏，跑上跑下的

我们开始教沁芝，把水吐出来，这么一来才不会在刷牙的时候不断把牙膏吃进去。但沁芝总是把水吞下去，然后开心笑着

这天，意外发现沁芝也能自己举起瓶子这么喝水。孩子懂得东西比你想像的多。多很多。

之前沁芝还不会用手指的力道夹衣夹字，练习几次就不用吹灰之力也能完成。这是mummy和沁芝单独这家，要喂沁芝吃东西的时候，用来occupy沁芝的。

之后，会请沁芝帮忙，帮mummy晾衣服。沁芝负责拿hangar，这天让沁芝帮忙用衣夹夹手巾

然后这karang gun来的时候，帮忙爸爸把报纸交给对方

这天，mummy单独带沁芝从pasir ris搭巴士和地铁到bugis，上课

25/9这一天，mummy去巴黎公干
沁芝哭着摇头、伤痛地不要mummy离开
她说：mai（不要）做工
之前已经在帮她准备这件事
但要离开沁芝的时候
她这样大哭，把害怕失去、以及attachment和clinging这件事，表现得很清楚
我们大人有时候不自觉地被这些操控
沁芝这一哭
全部毫无遮掩流露出来了

这一天和沁芝facetime
原本很开心
后来不安
沁芝一定想，怎么看到mummy
mummy却不直接来？
她还问：爸爸leh？
大家猜到沁芝已经有些想念，要我挂电话
沁芝就大哭了
一直嚷mummy一直摇头

以前会特别觉得不忍心，现在当然也是，但是最近也觉得，偶尔有必要让沁芝“练习”，mummy出去了，会再回来。这是以后沁芝上学很好的复习，同时让沁芝学会放心、学会相信的概念

去巴黎买了一个这样的小杯子，希望鼓励沁芝喝水。她认得eiffel tower，在外头看到铁塔还能正确说出来。

这是一生要去一次的地方

：）

然后沁芝有机会品尝世界最著名的糕点屋Laduree的macaroons，有几个小孩能有这样的privilege？

这天我们两个在家，让沁芝看阿妹姨姨上韩国娱乐新闻的画面。她一直看啊看。过了很久以后，还说要看！

生日的前一天，daddy买花，让沁芝捧过来给mummy。

：）

听到沁芝说happi birthdae mummy ：）生日这天要沁芝重复那动作。原来，把它好好收在心里。然后去吃蛋糕！

晚上要睡了，沁芝最近还会关窗口，拉窗帘，然后对着moon和stars说，goodnight, sweet dreams, i love u 🙂

这个时候的沁芝，虽然不时会因为捣蛋被爸爸责怪，但总是还会提到爸爸。比如说，我们提到有mummy bird和沁芝bird，沁芝就会问，then where is the daddy bird?

但小小的沁芝，性格很倔强，根本就和daddy硬硬的性格如出一辙，有过之而无不及。

那天沁芝踢了在看书的selly的书本，daddy要沁芝道歉，沁芝怎么也不依，daddy以为凶，就能让沁芝知道错，乖乖听话，但沁芝也用硬的回应。到最后，还是mummy爱的教育让沁芝知错。

我觉得父母跟孩子相处、管教孩子的模式，真的应该好好去斟酌。

是tailor the teaching according to the child而不是一味地根据自己所思所想去教育。

anyway

happy 32 months ：）

Widsom

The Wisdom of Fear

October 14, 2011

Honoring Life Changes

Anything really worth doing in our lives will always have some fear attached to it. Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married, changing careers—all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good.

It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new. Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us.

Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one.

Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not.

While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up—your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes—is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.