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Healing XXXX viii

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去找老师,跟老师说我的母亲节视频的故事。

学到许多。

我说,同业前辈的离开,前同事得病,让我很震撼,震撼到我摇晃。

老师说,平常人很firm的时候都很grounded,但身体的左右是过去未来,有时想过去有时想未来,加上前后,于是便不稳了。

老师说,我们在某一个时间点里面立下的决定和判断,形成了我们对这件事的理解或看法。

老师问:“妈妈去世的时候,假如你用管其他,不会对她说什么?”

我说那些谢谢、祝福的话都有,但也有许多的问好。为什么是我?我们怎么办?

老师说,这就是我当时被惊吓过后,跳回孩子的我。

所以现在看到周遭朋友的遭遇,都会跳会那时候的自己。

回到当时候的状态

我说,当时不知所。老师问我,当时候感觉到support 吗?

我说是当时的男朋友,还有大舅舅的扶持,大舅舅这一块,已经在弟弟结婚的时候处理。

当然也有愤怒、委屈,更多的是接触到人生的本质,千变万化,说变就变,不在你控制以内。也感谢妈妈,祝福妈妈。

老师说,我看到周围这些经验就会想到自己。回到当时的自己的状态。这一块是需要被康复的,不然在一些缺乏母性的状态下,很容易触动我。

老师建议:多点和mother earth衔接。因为这才是我们的energetic mother

我说,当时觉得无助无所依。

想想你会跟这个过世的前辈的孩子怎么说?

我说:“就是让他知道背后还有个人支撑。”

老师问:“你会如何对他形容妈妈的爱?”

“就是妈妈的爱永远在,妈妈的爱那个质量不会因为时间空间而改变或变质。”

还有,有时候不知怎么做的时候,会想想妈妈会怎么做,这也是妈妈留下的方式。

老师警惕,这也是流传的方式,要是不够觉察能力,很容易延续了祖辈的习惯。

老师要我想想,妈妈的爱是什么感觉。

我说最难忘,就是妈妈在周末看我还在睡,凑过来躺在我身边,轻轻摸我的手,因为很滑。妈妈会说——很滑。

还有帮妈妈做家务,但她回来重新做一遍,看我不给反应很冷淡,哭着哀求——girl,不要对mommy这样。

还有我喜欢的男孩说不喜欢我,妈妈看到我哭,在饭桌上陪我哭。可能这几次就是对妈妈和妈妈最亲密的“过招”了。

我跟老师说了我问大厨的问题,比如:“和妈妈最亲密的举动是什么?”

他说是挽手,搭肩。我现在才知道为什么这么问,因为我也记得和妈妈的亲密接触。

我问大厨,这么成功妈妈赞过你吗?

他说:没有。他得奖妈妈肯定知道,但不会说什么,但他相信妈妈心里在笑。

我说我听到大厨的渴望。希望妈妈赞他。

我说,我跟大厨说,妈妈很为你感动骄傲。

我说,在很多年前,也在一个healing的场合,听到妈妈对我的赞美。

妈妈说:“girl, I have always been so proud of u.”

老师说:“我也很为你感到骄傲。”

chef说,以前妈妈总是舍不得给自己买东西,把最好的都给孩子。现在他有能力,妈妈想吃什么他就买最好的给她。陪伴妈妈,饮茶、逛街市、煮饭。陪伴妈妈。

他说:“我就是买最好的螃蟹给妈妈”

我听了忍不住哽咽。

我对老师说:“这就是日常的提炼,很平凡的字句,但有最惊动天地的感情。”

一般人都这样,自己有能力的时候,想把最好的给家人。

还有……我没有这个机会了。

我问厨师,最想跟妈妈说什么?对着镜头说。

他居然说—-mommy i love you。

我说我很开心,因为这个一个大男人,一辈子没有说过这样的话,现在在镜头前表达。

老师说——那你呢?你最想跟妈妈说什么?

我说我没厨师那么勇敢。做这件事需要很多勇气。

老师说,妈妈虽然身体不在了,但energetically都在。所以要跟妈妈说的,一点也不晚。她听得到。

老师说,不知道你会不会忽略了,你自己也是妈妈。

厨师的赞美,也是给自己的赞美。

我说,不知道这事要怎么前进时,我想到德士师傅在台北的路上奔驰的时候,说的。

“你也是相当重要的人。”

妈妈就是一个家庭的引擎、心脏。

我问了先生。他给我很多灵感—-就是,妈妈平常怎么样,就怎么样。不少不多。

就在日常。

我要我的组员在香港继续问厨师的妈妈,她对孩子的期望。

果不其然。妈妈说,只是想孩子健康。

我跟老师说,厨师的话和他的家,和我自己的生活经验有很多交叉之处

我说,厨师的故事,听起来跟我的有几分相似,最可爱是,他的爸爸排第五,亲戚都称妈妈——五嫂。

我的爸爸妈妈也是排第五。

我跟老师说,过去的力量很博大,可以淹没我让我没法呼吸。

老师说,在我们生命中的每个人都是因为某个原因来到我们的生命里。

灵魂和灵魂之间有个合约,

你母亲的到来和离开也是为了成就你灵魂的提升。所以要从中学习,让她的离去有价值。比如你怎么延续母亲。你怎么形容母亲?

我说我是什么样子,妈妈就是什么样子。

我比母亲还要强硬,妈妈是逆来顺受,什么都忍下来。

妈妈的爱很伟大,可以因为爱父亲,然后就什么都承担和承受。妈妈离开之后,真正觉得不可以再儿戏,要醒过来。妈妈的离去真正的让我看到,人生、生活的样子。品味、体验到生命,知道什么是生死。

或者说,不知道。

我提到做这件事的一个转捩点————就是在感受到记者前辈的离开,前同事患病的那几天,最难熬,不知道要怎么处理胸口的郁闷的痛楚。然后看到Khadro-la的唱诵,她说:“看到别人受苦的时候,什么也没法做。只能哭着,难过着。”

她之后再说一句:“compassion can heal delusion.”

那时候不知为何,想到可以转化,把自己内心的苦痛做一个转化的动作,看看是不是可以安抚失去孩子的妈妈,给他人带来一点的温暖。

我说,我很感谢自己在这个岗位上,可以做到这件事。

老师说:“用自己的苦、痛,然后可以透过这个方式去表达,可以给社会带来一股清流。现在的人,面对生活,都封闭起来。但是你不一样,你有痛用痛,要不是失去妈妈,你不会看到痛,但是看到痛的同时,也让你看到爱。这个energy最后还是会绕到你这边回来的。”

我说我看到奶妈孙女的小婴儿,非常开心,听到婴儿哭了,很感动很感动。很美好,把生命最美好的都表达出来了。

美好的,是new beginning。

说到这里我突然明白了,这样的运用生命,就是一个新的开始。每个人处理的方式不一样,我之前一路在寻找,现在找到的,找到了的,是我的方式。

很感谢,很感恩,有这个机会。

亲爱的妈妈,感谢你,生我,养我,惜我。

I love you mommy 😊

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生日快乐,TPY

亲爱的

好像都还没有好好的,跟你说一些像样的话。好像都还没好好的—祝福你。

生日快乐。

你要记得,你是被祝福的。

你看,你居然有机会进到米其林。

你看,你居然有机会去做开发、尝试写作之外的很多很多。

你看,你居然有机会到上海去谈电视制作,认识到这么多的人。

你看,你有支持你的家人、疼爱你的老小。你看。

你看。

很恭喜你,很为你高兴,这一切不是别的,都是辛辛苦苦,老老实实,一分一毫的耕耘回来的。

没有耕耘,就不会有机会。

你在这一年里,有这么多的挑战,有这么多的学习,有这么多的跨越和新尝试。

下一步要做什么?

做回自己。

这一年,最特出的,应该是spiritual 方面的学习,包括有机会上Mingyur Yongey Rinpoche的retreat。

上个月去了印度的小拉萨,听达赖喇嘛讲课。

觉得好像是梦一样。

现在在上海回新的飞机上,也觉得经历的一切,不可思议。

我在非常神圣的、非常纸醉金迷的两个极端之间游走,有时是拉扯、有时是推挤。

I m in an extremely good position to sort this out.

To sort out for myself, what this is about.

陈彬雁加油了!

假如不为自己设限,就不会有限制。就不会有约束。就不会有始终。

继续相信自己。

相信你敏锐的直觉。相信你的可能性,你的一切。

继续不屈不挠的精神,继续坚持,继续不忘初心,继续做那个最是自己的自己。

这些都好难能可贵。

生日这天,不在别处,有最爱的人在身边,很满足很幸福。

有爸爸大清早打电话来,说:“ah girl,爸爸祝你,生日快乐!”

有弟弟妹妹的whatsapp。

还有皓皓一大清早睡醒,就唱生日歌,唱完英文的唱中文。

这些都是最好的礼物。

皓皓是想着mommy画的,所以很珍贵。

 

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下班,约了在city hall,宝贝看到我,双双飞奔过来,送了花,

这件事是两人前一晚就很兴奋不已的,沁芝说,daddy说要送花。

 

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沁芝的作品。:)

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很爱这个,两个宝贝,谢谢你们,丰富我,温暖我,爱我。

也很谢谢daddy,从反对我上班,到现在支持我,mommy临时要出国,幸好daddy及时拿mc回家照顾你们。让我可以飞的时候,毫无牵挂,全情投入,可以做好每分每秒,把最是自己的那一面,实现了。

那才是对你们的最佳回报。

还有奶妈送的红包

这些最重要的祝福,还有fb,whatsapp,我没有特别的去想,但厨师们、朋友们的有心祝福,让我在回复的时候,发掘自己的嘴角是往上扬的。

它让我把自己对自己的怀疑扫掉。

同时又不太把自己当真,就是感激、感谢。让我知道,我的选择,我的路,其实还ok。要继续加油,做好一个人。做一个好人。

秋天是收获的季节

这就是我最美丽的收获。

去找了Essential Oil的老师,John今天的message是:reinvent yourself, be creative.

Keep on expressing your self, your true self,challenge boundaries and push the limits.  Dont be afraid to express yourself, your honest authentic self. So many people are afraid to be themselves.

You have a mission. You dont realise you have the power of influence, do you know how many lives you can save if you can encourage people to go vegan?

说真的,这是我从来没有想过的。

顶多,我就停留在美食改变我的生活,我家人的生活。餐桌是我的老师。但今天听老师这么说,我才认识到事情真的不是闹着玩。

他说:“as I see it, you are v blessed. you are in such a good position, you are the best person to do it, otherwise why do u think you experience all this and you are here? you have a mission , and you have this experience, use it . ”

我真的明白老师的话。

我们走了一些路,那是因为我们需要在下一次转身回头的时候,看到走这段路的原因。人生的每一段、每一个踏步都不是偶然。有了觉知的能力,就能够将人生的每一个瞬间,转化为生命的能量。将一路走来的点滴,用来为生命创作的泉源和灵感,因为–唯有提炼自生活的,才提升生活的本质的精要。唯有取自生活的,才能进一步丰富生活,这也和Mingyur Rinpoche说的,转化的道理是一样的。

将垃圾转变为养分。那才不会白费了这段路。

(这么巧,19-20日有机会上仁波切的课,他提到的也是这个。他还说了一个概念非常好玩,那就是–按摩你的内脏。仁波切说,不要老是寻找特殊的感觉,很多时候,你需要的都在你的身边,但因为太太靠近,所以你没有觉察到。)

创作本来就该源于生活。也只有源于生活的作品能够大于生活,因为这样的作品踏实,牢固,才能撼动人心。

取之生活,用之生活。

我会努力。我会加油!也祈愿我需要的助力触手可得,通过我的作品,带来启发,带来光芒,带来真正的改变。

Om ma ne pad me hum.

 

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Wisdom

“When we gain confidence in the view of the intrinsic nature without distraction or confusion, the arising of a deluded thought is like a thief entering an empty house. The house has nothing to lose, and the thief has nothing to gain. Whether the thief comes into the house or not, there is neither benefit nor harm. In the same way, thoughts will arise like reflections; but the moment they occur, the view of the intrinsic nature is right there. Since the view of the intrinsic nature is stronger than the thought, the thought will automatically be groundless and rootless. When that happens, there is also no trace left behind. If we can maintain the continuity of that state in which no trace is left, that is what is known as liberation.

It is like a drawing mode on the surface of water: there is no need to find something to erase it. Before the end of the drawing has been completed, the beginning has already disappeared.

Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (Oral Instructions on ‘Three Words That Strike The Vital Point’ – on Action – Collected Works, Vol III pg 652 – Shambhala

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Healing XXXXiii

一样的场景。

一样的光明,不一样的智慧。

去找老师了。

学到很多东西了。

跟老师说明了一切。一开始,只说了一点点,老师说:“慢下来,事情太快了。慢下来,我们先处理情绪。”

我哭了。

看到眼泪里的情绪。

老师说:“先给自己一点时间。去听听眼泪里有什么。”

我听到了。

有不服、frustration、有愤怒。

不服输。因为明明就已经把全部的心力做得最好了,但是别人不珍惜。

我说,在这件事里看到一个主题,那就是:authority。面对authority,我陷入trances,陷入过去了。

我说,我很认真很诚恳去看待他的看法和需要。结果我们做到了,他却说,不在现在签约了。

我拿我的真心出来,结果这样了。我受伤了。

我感觉自己的耳朵、手脚、身体有一种累。我跟老师说,现在跟你说着,全部那些都在身体里。

老师说:“你的心受伤了。take a few moments to look at your heart n listen to it. It wants you to be aware, it has been hurt. 把你的手放在心上。感知它。知道它。be aware of your heart n connect to your heart.”

我跟我的心说,辛苦你了!对不起,之前没有好好看到你。也非常谢谢你,一路以来的支持和相伴。我们还有很多路要走。我们一块加油!

老师把手放在我的背部,真的好像是有一只手在盛着我的心。

然后我感觉我的手脚有一股温柔的力量。那种轻飘飘的感觉没有了。右脚还有一种被修复的感觉。就是repair的感觉,an energy has come in to fill the lapse.

说也奇怪,这时候,我感觉自己又有精力,可以冲了。

老师提醒:“你需要修复休息。”

我这下才知道原来,我受伤了。

当下,想到皓皓几天前告诉daddy,I m going to mend it. 我看着daddy,daddy追问:what is mend?

皓皓说:“fix. I m going to fix it.”

还有皓皓两天前的早上,一睡醒就说:“mommy is in an ambulance.”

那时还不晓得,皓皓是在说这个。老师说:“你应该好好听孩子说话,那么sensitive。”

跟老师说:“我跟儿子说,有一个人想吃鸡饭,我花了很多功夫,买鸡煮饭找人询问做法等等之后,鸡饭摆在餐桌上了。然后那人却说,不吃了。”

我跟老师说,我跟皓皓说的话。

皓皓回说:“how come got this kind of people.”

轻轻的三言两语,疗愈了我。

是啊。不过是一碟鸡饭。

我煮好了那么完美的鸡饭,你却不吃,损失其实不在我的身上。那就整理一下,继续做好鸡饭,等着对的人来品尝。

我跟老师说,我写了一封长长的信。在里面表明我的intention,从来不是为了钱。我告诉xtf,如果你想突破、跨越,那就不能用旧有逻辑和系统去衡量或把持现在的行为。因为那套系统已经不能够帮助你跨越飞腾,反而成为束缚。那是不是要放掉它,编写一套新的程序呢?一套可以支撑你,让你跨越的新秩序。

这么说的时候,我想到了我自己。老师说:“能看到吗?你在米其林做的,都是非传统,比如把一个明星带进来。都是挑战旧有制度,那是很不容易的。把恨牢固的东西融化,需要很大力气的。那是需要过程的。与此同时,你自己也在面对一套旧有逻辑,这两者是并行的。所以你需要跨越,突破。”

那事情就成了。

我说,最有趣的是,我现在要把厨师艺人化。come full circle。

即使是智者,他们在传播真理的时候,也不是每个人都能接收得到。

我跟老师说起下属发脾气,情绪不和睦,我想了想,我总是在寻找better way out,最好些了电邮,先道歉。老师摇头说:”you r looking for the perfect way. There’s no perfect way. You cannot please everyone. Take a breath and let this idea go.”

you got to heal your feelings towards authority?

What do u think of?

我说,霸道、野蛮、不讲道理。

“所以你怎么会成为authority呢?”

我说我心目中的authority是有真知灼见,有内涵,有态度有想法,创造非一般的新局面,突破、创新,做从来都没有发生过的事的前行者。

老师说,那这个就是你的挑战。看看你生命中必经困难的事,这些都是你必须突破的,这就是你的life purpose。

所以就在这个点上面,你可以看到你怎么去transform,去突破你自己对authority的理解,成为你心目中那样子的一个authority。你可以做一个pioneer,一个role model。

创造属于自己风格的authority的definition。

老师提醒,你在米其林做的都是那么新的事情。

我说:“而且是让他们接受了。我何德何能?”

我说的时候,马上就了解到了真实的steadfast的intention,有多么巨大的力量。可以跨界,可以去到巴黎。

这件事让我惊讶,只要intention aligned,就能飞越、打破、跨越。

老师说:“不要怀疑你自己。不要怀疑你的intention。”

很多时候,很多智者,他们知道了会遭遇欺骗,被利用,但还是义无返顾。还是愿意。这反而能够帮助学生精进。

我跟老师说,老板也是一个authority。老板两次大发雷霆,我都接收,因为我能够明白他心里想法。我有一点是在hold the process。

老师说,确实。

老板两次发脾气,都对我道歉,最感动的是,老板说:“l don’t want you to feel pain when these people walk away with your deals.”

老实说:“因为老板可以feel your pain。”

我说到C辞职。我当下不知如何是好。用了几天时间消化。然后跟她谈。

我当时不晓得为什么,我不想轻易放掉C,但对着老师,我突然明白了。”

原来,C就是我的一股力量和支撑点,代表了我内心最纯真的一部分。我不想放她走,以为放走她就等于是放走最纯洁的自己,所以我不断留她,要不要再尝试?要不要再尝试。我相信你有热忱,没有什么办不到的。

老师要我花点时间去书写我对authority的看法。说不定会有所发现。

老师要我什么都不做,好好休息。因为好好休息了,才可以真正有突破。他说:“我不希望看到你的火灭,这股创意之火,我看到你如何发挥创意。但火有时候会在某些情况下受到影响,就是遇到挑战、障碍等等。所以很重要的是,休息。”

我跟老师说,我有一个“遇见中国”的梦。我想把每个领域里的第一位先行者,摆在节目中,在餐桌上让人遇见。

因为,餐桌是我的老师。是启迪我教育我让我发掘的地方。

所以我想把大胆跨越,挑战领域的先行者,让他们在餐桌上,点亮他人,启发他人,也挑战也跨越。

比如杨利伟。他冲破地球去到太空。太空,是什么味道什么气味。

你想品尝吗?

味道从来就是关于人生的。

先行者要做的,就是在节目中,让人感受到人生甜酸苦辣中的况味。

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Yoji Yamamoto

Japanese designer will never get out of fashion, or so it seems.

Just look at what he says, how he thinks.

On living clothes,

Along the signature palette of blacks, the runway beamed with radiant yellow, red, blue and turquoise, while “real people”, cast in an open call the previous day, cut through the impressive, solemn architecture in wearable and somewhat less wearable creations. A play on the notion of a garment’s shelf life, the passing of seasons and with it, of trends, was commented to great effect by casting older women as well as young models. Yamamoto’s belief that one should “live” the clothes was beautifully and vividly demonstrated by a pair of voluminous Shepherd’s check numbers that were sent down the runway in sequence, one worn by a young model, and one by a silver-haired lady.

On creating

“Being a real creator is like climbing a mountain. You need training. Training, training, training… don’t design with your brain, design by your heart, your soul.”

On hands

For making a dress you have to use your fingers, your hands [holds hands up and moves fingers]. It’s very important because your hands are culture. Your soul comes out at the tips of your fingers. Fashion is the last business of craftsmanship. And this is going to disappear.

On when clothing becomes art

Ultimately, on the body. But Haute couture has disappeared; it’s the times of ready-to-wear. Everything is RTW. When in fact it [should be] a kind of love romance: you meet some fantastic clothing by chance, and you fall in love and you live this piece of clothing. You don’t waste clothing but live with it. Please, don’t waste clothing!

On being understood

I don’t care… I really don’t care. If I have 800 people in the audience, maybe five or six people understand. It’s okay, that’s enough.

On necklines

But take the design of a simple black T-shirt. This neckline [draws a line under his collarbone with his finger] is very difficult, because the black fabric against the skin… it’s creating a border. So if you don’t concentrate on drawing this line carefully, the T-shirt loses its own charm. A female designer’s T-shirt is always charming.

http://www.sleek-mag.com/2013/08/12/notes-and-quotes-from-yohji-yamamoto/

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Healing XXXXi

Went back to Mr Ng for a mind spa session after so long, i used to have these therapeutic mind cleansing sessions each month, but because of the work of late, I skipped a few.

I remember crossing the bridge with happy steps.

I was so so happy just to attend a session.

Because its for me, my truest me. I made time for me, that made me truly—happy.

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I spoke about all that has happened.

Trying out so many new things on a new platform.

Like doing a Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche Facebook Live, like realising a Friend of Michelin concept and getting Nicholas Tse to be the face.

Like receiving a message from his manager to say–if the opportunity arises, lets work together.

From being treated poorly by her, to receiving a message, it is such a compliment, it is the best reward.

It showed me that the values I grew up with, and my adhering to these values over the years, were correct. And I should stick to these, and pass them on. Even if the world has changed, even if people have strayed.

And to have Nicholas Tse in the kitchen with me and passing me a slice of french shallot and spanish cucumber.

I remember asking if I could have a gazpacho, but he said that the gazpacho would have to be marinated overnight.

But afterwards in the afternoon, he really got me some to try.

And after the whole event, he gave me hug to say, “Thank You, 我知道你辛苦了”

He shared the Friend of Michelin memento with me.

The whole process was fraught with difficulties and so so much. Like a miserable media attendance, like not getting the mandate, like having this idea deemed to have failed because of a lack of website hits, FB likes and etc.

Like not having the agreement ready and to run the risk of Nicholas being stopped by his agency to fly, when the event would be a few days away.

But i was grounded and i realised that i did what Mr Ng was doing. I was not emotional, I was aware and solidly grounded, and I held on to the process.

I hold and supported the process.

That was what was real. So real, that was my growth, my reality, my discovery,

MY BREAKTHROUGH.

i passed the test and is elevated now.

In the process of speaking to Mr Ng, I felt this silently gentle solid yet soft streaming energy or force at heart.

It was so quiet but so steady and sure, I had to listen to it.

It was grounding.

I felt it for the first time so clearly. It was like mother’s love, unending, ever so calm and peaceful.

And i realised how and why?

It was that i was at peace and one with the universe. not resisting, not intending, not managing or trying to alter anything.

Just one with the universe.

That was beautiful.

I repeated many times, that all that has happened is surreal, miraculous and unbelievable.

不可思议。

like a dream.

And Mr Ng added that everything that seemed so surreal was so because i m on the right path, and fulfilling or answering my life purpose.

And what was that?

“to be creative.”

To which I added,

To create these flashes of light, to touch to inspire and make a difference to lives.

i just want to do that, create these beautiful magical moments of light.

and why?

simply because i have experienced the beauty of it, these beautiful moments of light have changed me.

and i want others to feel it for themselves.

it would be wonderful to have created a difference, but just letting them feel it, that light would be brilliant enough.

I felt almost like a messenger of the divine.

they work through me, and that is how, people and things come into my life and continue to support my endeavour.

Mr Ng encouraged me to continue to work at that, listening and adhering to my life purpose, to bring light onto myself and others.

That would be truly what makes me, fulfils me. And to converse and work closely with the divine.

Unbelievable.

还是那句,不可思议。

 

 

 

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Life force, Life’s force

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I havent been feeling too sure lately, because its a new path.

i m stepping up, there’ll b more responsibilities, something i have never done before.

and this morning, i popped into the kitchen and saw fresh green shoots popping out of the onion bag, thru the spaces.

it was like an answer from the divine, or a response to my query.

its like a force that cannot be withheld. or in chinese, 势不可挡。just go with the flow.

it was so so beautiful.

it touched me a lot, and i took a moment to sit with that feeling.

Life force, or life’s force.

A gentle, silent, slowly but sure and steady energy at work.

we all have it too, all the while.

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i took it in my hands to feel the energy.

and i felt really shaken at heart.

it about being one with the life force, recognising its presence, being appreciative of it and going forward, to treasure this precious energy.

The only way would be to use it carefully, and with my life purpose.

I know i m here to pass on the light.

May i get the full support on this journey.