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Confronting with Fear

i haven’t been feeling uneasily.

Granny has been going in and out of the hospital. It’s old age, and I think the body is degrading.

I have been putting off going to see her.

Because of fear. I fear coming face to face with the subject, of death. I do not know how to handle it. Because of the past that I have had. It seemed like I still do not know how to reconcile with the death of my loved ones even if it were more than 10 years back.

But today, i plucked up what little courage I had, to visit ah ma, my dear granny who is little in size but so strong in character all her life.

She single handedly brought up 10 children. My grandfather left her early.

But ah ma is so strong despite her small built. She was the one who came to my family and nurtured us when my mom passed away in illness.

She slept next to me. She made me dinner and ate with me. She said to me when i was weak: “be strong, treat it as if it were nothing.”

i have always always remembered her words when i felt weak. there was so much power in those seemingly easy words.

but now, i realise so much flavour in those few words, simply because they were extracted out of her hard life, or the very hardships that never thwart her,

ah ma was diagnosed with colon cancer a few years back, but she decided not to go for an op and she ‘s had a few more years till now.

i thought what boldness and character.

she’s not afraid of life, she’s not afraid of death.

i rem asking myself yesterday as i felt all the old energy dwell in me, because i couldn’t bring myself to see ah ma.

i rem looking at the sky, and thinking of some words i read:”if you do not know death, you do not know life.”

vice versa.

i read it in a book, The Tibetan Book of Dying. or something to that effect. that was when I was expecting hao.

And how true.

Today i finally plucked up enough courage to see ah ma.

I told my jittery self: create a new pathway and a new angle to this. i educated myself, that the fear was something old, and something i do not need now.

i can create another approach to this.

i just tried and i think i found a little light. Ah ma is old and frail, her voice has changed, and i felt just hurt looking at her.

But ah ma is so strong willed.

she’s taking it and i felt just dishonest and low and small not confronting her and just saying niceties.

opposite me, my dad was asking all the questions I wanted to know- what did the doc say? when can you head home? etc

i thought:”is this appropriate at all?”

but its honest.

and anytime better than me trying to put on a nice front.

ah ma is so strong, she ordered dad to go home, and us to go home. she says we have been working and dad’s been driving for a day and its hard work.

she’s pestering us to go for dinner. and she gets her way.

ah ma is the strongest woman i know, and it hurts me to see her.

dad held her hand when he left, and somehow that moment caught me,

i felt like going over to hug her, but i didn’t.

i said my goodbyes, but thought if there was a next time.

ah ma is such a warrior. she’s a fighter, to the end.

i love you ah ma, and i wish you well.

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Thank you for giving me a chance to confront my fear.

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Bangkok+Phuket2017 Favourite Moments

之一:喜欢曼谷的铁道市场Maek Long。

不光是因为有好多新鲜的看。有许多食材,我都看不懂,但光是看到看不懂,也觉得很幸福,觉得还有好多学习的空间。想继续挖掘。继续了解和探知。

我知道只要继续这么探知,就能丰富自己。

于是尝试很接近地面。去感受由下而上,由地表迸发出来的力量。

更喜欢这里的人很草根,不把困难当一回事。不把简陋破旧不完美当一回事。不厌其烦,每次火车来,就收拾,火车离开,再把帐篷、买卖摆出来。

日复一日。每日重复。

重复。

重复多么令人难受的啊。但是他们可以。那是多么了不起的力量。

老太太弯着腰,重复一日又一日。或许,重复也是一种幸福?

我看到他们的坚韧,不把困难当一回事。或者说,接受困难。接受困境、接受局限。与局限为伍,与局限生活。

创意地、踏实的、认真的、努力的。

之二:

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Was observing the sunset in Phuket’s Mai Khao Beach.

And i ask myself, what do I want?

I want to be the best that I can be. I asked what is the best of me?

And that is, an authentic honest me, truthful and direct

Me that is me.

To say things that I feel, to do things that I like.  Just that.

之三:

终于把书本送掉。

送到图书馆的书架。

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居然很不舍。

好像,给掉一部分的自己了。因为决定皓皓和沁芝就够了,所以觉得就这样。送掉一部分可以制造的自己。

我知道当下的心情是不舍,于是在书本上亲一亲,摸一摸。谢谢书本陪伴我,就在我怀孕的两次。感谢书本里的知识,给我养分,让我在期待孩子的期间,学习甚丰。

 

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4yrs 5mths

亲爱的皓皓

你4岁5个月大的时候,又去了多一个地方,泰国(曼谷+普吉岛)。

这次和阿姨婆婆、davina、ah tin阿姨去,好好玩。

你乘搭新航去了曼谷、胜安航空去普吉岛,还说新航比较优。小小年纪如你,真的太厉害!

这天,去姨姨婆婆家,好开心!

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这个时候的皓皓,依然非常喜欢吃鼎泰丰。也特别喜欢帮mommy洗厕所–also known as玩水!

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这是皓皓的功课。非常整齐,老师赞不绝口。

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皓皓喜欢到美术馆去玩这个

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喜欢泡脚。皓皓非常注重形象,不喜欢人家说脚臭、或者哪方面不够理想他特别敏感。

有一回在yamaha,mommy因为皓皓上课不专心,没有给皓皓贴纸,皓皓便大哭。

另一回,因为缺乏练习,老师过来问,结果皓皓也难过哭了。

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亲爱的宝贝,mommy想跟你说:“其实这些都是不太重要的小事。一次两次三次,甚至很多次都不是最好,也无所谓。”

皓皓喜欢逛街,这点和姐姐一样:)

这点和mommy daddy一样:)

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这一天,在外头巧遇小叮当。

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在曼谷,带皓皓上市场,各种各样的市场。

吃饭的时候,皓皓说痒,婆婆就帮忙抓。婆婆就是这样为皓皓为姐姐,为mommy的。

这是曼谷的铁道市场,mommy很喜欢的一个地方。

我光是走在铁道上,我都觉得好感动好受启发。这是皓皓最喜欢的,每晚回房泡泡浴缸:)

之后临时安排上普吉岛。

 

只是我们四人,做最微不足道的小事,吃饭、睡觉、泡水、玩沙、冲浪、涂涂画画。

却是最幸福最温暖最珍贵的小事

皓皓每早喂养鸭子。第一次荡秋千、吹海风、听海浪,欣赏漂亮的日落,

回来后,皓皓居然说:“i miss 公公”。回来隔天父亲节,带公公上餐馆用餐。

隔日,带孩子上四川豆花饭庄吃饭。

亲爱的宝贝,mommy love you。

may you be well n happy!

 

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8 years 4 months

亲爱的沁芝

8岁4个月的这天,带沁芝皓皓daddy去了四川豆花饭庄,品尝蔬食体验。

沁芝很爱担担面

然后又第一次看到如何弄豆花,并且勺豆花 :)

8岁4个月的时候,跟婆婆姨姨刚刚去了曼谷,再跟daddy mommy 皓皓去了普吉岛的度假村Anantara。

晒出一身健康肤色。

sunkissed的样子,好美。

我们一起在沙滩上,一起冲浪,一起感受海浪突袭双脚。带着沁芝,就是一件很美的事。

小妞,这就是你啊

你就是这个快乐的灵魂,本来就是。

有一天,当你累了,不知所措了,不知要往哪儿去了,记得看看这个时候的你。

这就是你啊!

原原本本,单单纯纯,快快乐乐。

这次沁芝挑了好些衣服,之前不穿的,这次都带着,小妞长大了。

这一天,daddy带着我们去看日落。

在这之前,每逢周末上过piano之后就带皓皓沁芝去鼎泰丰,例常的小事,却是mommy很珍惜的。

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这个时候的沁芝皓皓,喜欢帮mommy洗厕所:)

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这个时候的沁芝,一身模特儿修长的一双腿,穿起牛仔裤好美

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有一天,带沁芝皓皓去了美术馆,碰巧有毛笔可以写。沁芝写沁芝,好美。沁芝的心开了。

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美术馆里,这是两人最喜欢的活动。

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这天去逛逛,看到小叮当。

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两人最高兴,就是去姨姨婆婆家。

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Bangkok + Phuket 2017

终于有机会带姨姨婆婆出国。虽然只是去曼谷,但已经是很大的满足感。阿姨一向来不敢乘搭飞机,但两次出国都是和沁芝皓皓,都是mommy带的。

很希望她玩的开心。

这天,我们浩浩荡荡出发。沁芝特别的兴奋,自己准备行李。像是个大姐一样。

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出发前,让沁芝皓皓也有打电话给公公的习惯。

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上飞机了!皓皓说,他喜欢起飞的感觉。能够自己系上安全带,自己吃饭等等。好了不起。

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第一天,去了市场,看到这个,特别有感触,小时候我就是看着婆婆阿姨在巴刹买椰浆,然后回家煮面、卖面。

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曼谷的市场其实很干净,而且应有尽有。看得我眼花缭乱。第一天,收获甚丰。

然后晚餐。

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小瓜吵着回酒店,因为要泡泡。

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第二天上寺庙拜拜。

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最喜欢第三天,去了MaekLong Railway Market。

喜欢这里。真心喜欢。走在铁道上,很有感动。

感动的是火车来,摊贩便收起买卖,拉起帐篷。火车走了,再把帐篷拉下,然后继续摆摊。

每天如此,每天不只一次如此。

能够收放自如的人生。

能屈能伸的人生。反正有空间的地方,就能存活,就能有办法,就能有机会。

我很喜欢这里。喜欢那股切切实实,老老实实,实实在在的力量,我可以感觉到我的心都被撼动了。

才知道,原来限制,不过是没有什么了不起的东西,如果你不屈服,限制,一切的限制,仅仅能够让人发挥至极,让人想尽办法尝试开拓拉伸,然后,创意的突破。

喜欢这里的人不把这一切当作一回事。不在乎狭窄,不在乎局限,不在乎日复一日去重复这样的人生。

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之后去了水上市场以及mahachai市场。

一条河,是生活也是清洗,是过渡也是渡人

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隔日让孩子去kidzania,然后便回新。

隔天,带小瓜去普吉岛。这里是daddy mommy拍拖时经常去的度假胜地,这次去,惊觉普吉岛已经多了一座新的飞机场,变化好大。

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我们去了Anantara度假村,这里位于机场以北大约15分钟的Mai Khao海滩。

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早上,让沁芝皓皓喂小鸭子小鱼儿,然后去沙滩玩沙冲浪。

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小瓜不亦乐乎,根本不想离开。

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每天,重复着早餐、喂鸭子、玩沙冲浪,午餐,到别墅的游泳池嬉水,晚餐。

只是我们四口子。

简简单单。

恬静、幸福。

傍晚,daddy带我们去看日落,让小瓜荡荡秋千。

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这应该是沁芝的第一个日落。好美丽。

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短短几天,小瓜画画涂涂,度过精彩愉快的假期。

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没想过沁芝皓皓如此喜欢度假村,下次还要去。我听了,要多加努力,让皓皓沁芝每一个假期都能出国去。

问阿姨,还要不要去曼谷,她说要。

我要加油!