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Stronger

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一场空

亲爱的沁芝

醒来到下午,睡不下,感觉身体和精神,有一种被打扰、错摆、disjoint的感觉。

就像tsoknyi仁波切说的,subtle body, body和cognitive mind traveling at different speeds,我从来没有这么清楚地感觉到身心的out of sync

是好事。如果不是心定下,怎么能看到?

A shift has occurred in me.I know.
下来要做的,是把out of sync的,sync回去。

身心里的,是一种ruin。

我知道,毁灭是为了重生、再生。有什么新的,可以滋长了。

努力安静地觉知这毁灭、好像有什么坍塌了,感受幼苗静静生长的滋味。

I try to b aware

Tried to make myself comfortable by observing this feeling

Cautious not to fall into the traps of yesterday

叫人讶异的,还有那场空
空洞的感觉,叫我有些不习惯

突然间轻了
但轻轻的自己,感觉挺好
很久没有这样的感觉。

感觉突然被emptied
整个人,空空的

有点喜欢。因为有空间,可以输入新的自己
因为上了仁波切的课,可以学习用很aware的心态,选择把什么填进去

我发现自己里面有space了
那是很好的事情!
就是说,I cleared something
To make space
I have succeeded in my endeavor

太重要的一课。

想和沁芝说,
mummy今天勇敢了。独自一人去做colonoscopy。

期间当然有害怕升起的时候,我赶快去复习两位仁波切所教,我告诉自己,提醒自己,这是一个让我可以把所学的拿出来应用的时候。

我想起tsoknyi仁波切说他过petronas桥的故事,特别记得他问:"有多少次,你到了桥,却过不去?"

他说:"use ur thinking mind to talk to ur feelings”

我告诉自己,这也是一个让我突破自己的机会。让我创造有别于以往旧式处理方法的机会。

我不要像是过去那样,浪费机会。

是这样的,必须努力、纵然困难,也要试着。这样我才可以赚取到教沁芝勇敢、不要怕的资格。

我觉得我做到了。

躺在床上等待time out的时候,我告诉自己,let go of all。

半梦半醒间,感觉到程序造成的疼痛,半梦半醒间,听到医生说,很好,完成了。

听他的报告,他说,我可以如常了。

突然间,陷入完全的空。

才知道原来自己生命中放了多少的重心在恐惧、担忧上面

我处在一个空的感觉。

为了这样的一个结果,之前是多么的痛苦。我陷入各种深渊,迷失,迷惘,彷徨、恐惧。极度
错乱,然后学习把零碎的自己重拾起来。步步慢慢爬起。

这么多的折腾和努力
然后,突然陷入这空。

我问自己,之前的种种,为了什么?有必要吗?
到头来
一切(本)是空。
唯有空,才能允许一切的可能。

不只我这件事。很多的寻觅、追求,很多的心力交瘁、很多的拔河,到头来不也是一场空吗?

早点领悟,会不会不同呢?

我们追逐的,用生命、心血、劳力、苦痛、快乐,用这换来的,居然是空。

那是多么大的震撼。多么大的震撼教育啊!

我想起了tsoknyi仁波切这段话。

By tsoknyi rinpoche

Using rigpa medicine can bring a klesha to an extreme and at its peak realize its emptiness. However, rigpa medicine also works well without letting the emotion build.

If you can, go directly to the view of rigpa, seeing the empty, spacious nature of the emotion, without rejecting, avoiding or having to transform it.

Within rigpa, the anger ceases to be solid. By realizing emptiness and resting in rigpa, the already weakened ego-clinging dissolves. With no self to be hit by the emotion, there is no need to reject the anger or react to it. The counterpart of anger is mirror-like wisdom and this will come as you experience the pure energy of anger. When there is the experience of anger’s pure energy, it enhances clarity of mind. That enhancement of the clarity stays as rigpa clarity. And that is the quality of mirror-like wisdom that sees everything.

But these methods are quite difficult to do because they require strong, stable rigpa and this takes some time to establish. So that is why I recommend beginning with the wisdom of the aikido-like method. However, no matter which combination of practices you use to let go of the anger story, you need to know that anger leaves some sensation in the body and you might think anger is still there. Don’t be confused by this, because actually the anger is gone. As long as the ego is not grasping, the feeling will no longer produce any karmic pattern. It’s just an uncomfortable feeling that can distract you if you don’t see it as just a little bit of physical discomfort. Don’t hook back into it. It takes some time to cool down, but the emotional part of anger is gone as soon as you let go of the ego grasping. Only the energy is left, and that is what the body is feeling.

However, once you have a stable rigpa practice, you can let go of all methods because recognizing the view is the best way of dealing with emotions. Just recognize rigpa, realize emptiness. That’s all. When any emotion comes, just re-recognize rigpa, realize emptiness. The emotions will naturally become purified. With stable rigpa, emotions can be purified through liberation, using self-liberation, liberation upon arising or liberation without benefit or harm. But if there’s still some lingering negative emotion, although rigpa is totally stable, it is fine to say: “Oh, hello, I am sorry, I didn’t know you were still here.” Make a “handshake” with what is hanging around, engage with it so the emotion doesn’t feel left out. You can include the emotion with an “Oh honey.” Just say “honey” like a sweet mantra. It doesn’t mean much because you are no longer trapped by the ego’s attachment to emotion, but the ego will be happy…and then you can continue to practice!

太多的心力消耗,难怪这两天那么疲惫、劳累。

只是,在这空荡中,还能感觉到一种牢固的clinging。

知道那么觉知,是好事,证明自己有awareness。

It feels as if i have gone thru the mountain,but,

So happy to see the clinging straight in my face.
A grasping, tight rein
That is to be let go off

放开它、放走它。
一次一次复习,let go。
没有什么是放不下的。
That is the purpose of life.

我需要好好地休息。输入正面的能量,康复自己。

我可以的。

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Shield Yourself

May 27, 2011
Avoiding Negative Vibrations
Taking on the Energy of Others

In order to protect ourselves from taking on any negative energy from other people or situations; we can learn to shield.

There are times when you may find that being around certain individuals or groups of people leaves you with feelings of discomfort. It may be that spending time with a particular friend feels draining or that dealing with a specific coworker exhausts you. Being around toxic or angry people is also draining. And you may even find that being surrounded by a crowd of people lowers your energy levels rather than perks you up. This is not that unusual. Each of us radiates energy and is capable of being influenced by the energy of other people. It is important to learn how to shield yourself, so you don’t unknowingly take on someone else’s energy. While some people know how to instinctively protect themselves from being adversely affected by energy, most of us need to discover and practice the technique that works best.

There are a number of ways to avoid being affected by people’s energy. Shielding is one preventative technique you can use. Center yourself and envision being enveloped in a cocoon of loving and protective light. This protective layer should allow you to consciously regulate the energy around you. The intent to shield oneself is all you need for this technique to work. You can even create a trigger word to assist you in quickly creating a shield. Say this word each time you create a new shield, until the word and the shield become automatically associated in your mind. If you run into a person whose energy you find draining, you may want to cleanse your own energy field after your encounter. Sage, cold showers, singing, mineral water baths, spending time in nature, and a simple break to recharge are all ways to accomplish this.

While it is important to know how to shield yourself from energy, there are those energies that you may not want to shut out. The energy of laughter from a newborn baby, the feeling of joy radiating from someone in love, and the frequency of calm emanating from an enlightened teacher are just some of the energies coming from others that you may want to have around you.

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Words of Wisdom

生命的出路不是累积知识,而是如何重拾单纯的智慧。

不是追逐拥有更多,而是知道如何能舍,舍弃自相矛盾的情感及追寻。舍弃彼此冲突的生命步调及行事作为。

印度诗人泰戈尔说:“上苍期望人在他的智慧中重获他的童年“

返回单纯,与其说是一种心境,不如说是一种智慧。了解各种千头万绪,明了各种纠葛,都起因于我们在自我繁复的欲念及执着中打转,来自我们随着周遭的混乱起舞所致。放弃复杂的心,放弃充满思辨慧狡的心,选择一条简单的路走。虽然这简单的路更艰难,然而长远下来更宽阔。

行所当行
为所当为

如果过程是善的,智慧的,那一定会有美的成果。

不会因为一件事做了一百次一千次,就有所懈怠。因所经历感受的是过程之美。所以每一次仍是新,那么美。

事无大小
人无尊贵

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走出去再说

其實我不太講旅行或旅遊,我常常用的一個字是「出走」。人在一個環境太久了、太熟悉了,就失去他的敏銳度,也失去了創作力的激發,所以需要出走。

我七O年代在歐洲讀書,那時候我寫關於文藝復興的藝術史,老師問我,「你有沒有去過義大利?」我說還沒有。他說,「你沒有在米開朗基羅的雕像前,熱淚盈眶,你怎麼敢寫他?」

後來我在義大利跑了一個月。身上就是一個背包,兩件襯衫。我也曾經睡火車站,那時候坎城的火車站是一片年輕人睡在裡面。他們問我,「你怎麼沒帶報紙?要鋪報紙的。」他們就分給我。

早上五點,警察帶了一大桶的咖啡,噹,噹,噹,敲著桶子,叫醒大家,請大家喝完咖啡離開,火車站要營運了。

不要問該準備什麼?先問你愛什麼?

歐洲有種青年出走的文化。我在翡冷翠(編按:義大利佛羅倫斯)認識十四歲的蘇格蘭小孩,帶個氈呢帽,打掃廁所一個學期存的錢,就到歐洲來旅行。

花完了,一點也不害怕,就去街上吹蘇格蘭風笛,再繼續下一段的旅行。我那時候感觸很深,不同的文化,年輕人可以這麼不一樣。他們將來長大以後,擔當的事情也絕對不一樣。

我們宋朝詩人柳永說,「今宵酒醒何處?」中國文化裡面本來有這個東西。可是這個文化老了,失去了走出去的勇敢。年輕人的生命力沒有了,生命力消失了。

我希望壯遊,帶動的是年輕人走出去,打出一片天。如果今天不能打出一片天,將來一輩子也不會有出息。很多人要去歐洲,都會覺得我在歐洲很久,就會來問我:「我要去歐洲,要準備什麼?」

我就會反問他,「你覺得你要去做什麼?」當你自己很清楚要做什麼、意志力很強的時候,所有困難可以一層層克服。我們今天小孩的準備,他們的信用卡、語文,絕對比當年拿著商品樣本在歐洲闖的台灣商人好,但是他們就是走不出去,因為他們的安全感。

甚至有人好幾年都在問,但最後就是走不出去。

其實壯遊有一部分,是先走出去再說。

我常常跟朋友說,《西遊記》孫悟空那麼厲害,他一翻筋斗就是十萬八千里,那他去取經不是很容易嗎?為什麼是唐三藏取經?因為孫悟空沒有動機,而唐三藏有動機,雖然沒有取經的能力。

但是動機是比能力重要的。沒有動機,根本就沒有出發點,連起跑點都沒有。只要有動機,都很棒。最怕的是無所愛。

如果年輕人想要走出去,我會問他,「你愛什麼?」如果喜歡搖滾,要去玩重金屬,想要跟樂團,我都覺得很好。此外,「壯遊」的「壯」字,不只是炫耀。壯這個字,包含了一個深刻的,跟當地文化沒有偏見的對話關係。

旅遊是很大的反省,是用異文化,去檢查自身文化很多應該反省的東西。比較裡面,才瞭解文化的不同,沒有優劣。就像寫《裨海紀遊》(編按:清朝康熙年間記錄台灣山川風物之著作)的郁永河,他看到原住民被抓來拖牛車,下雨他們就在淋雨。他就問:「為什麼不讓他們在屋簷下躲雨?」翻譯官就告訴他,「他們其實跟動物差不多,他們是不怕淋雨的。」郁永河就嘆了一口氣說,「亦人也。」

所有好的旅遊書,都會有這個觀點。著有《真臘風土記》、出使吳哥城的周達觀是元朝的北方人,所以他南下的時候,受不了天氣。他不瞭解當地人怎麼每天洗好多次澡。

一年之後,他變了。當初他帶著大國心態,當時元朝那麼偉大,但他後來說,真臘( 編按:今日的柬埔寨吳哥窟),一個小小的東南亞國家,可是禮儀這麼嚴整,「不可輕視也。」我覺得,人不可能沒有主觀,可是慢慢在旅遊裡面,修正自己的偏見跟主觀,才是好的旅遊。

不只向外觀察,而是向內反省。

即使只是參加旅行團,也可以有不一樣的體驗跟視野。現在資訊真的很發達,在出發以前,做一些準備的工作。第二個,到現場之後,盡量檢討自己的主觀。

我帶朋友去吳哥窟,我會說,「我現在帶你們去柬埔寨人的家。」他們下車都會嚇一跳,真的什麼都沒有。我們叫做「家徒四壁」,他們連壁都沒有。我在台灣,老覺得我還缺什麼。到那裡,我第一次想:「我在台北家有什麼。」我以為我比他們富有。

可是後來我看到他們男男女女從田裡回來,脫光光的在河裡、蓮花當中,彼此潑水、唱歌,我覺得他們比我富裕太多了。我一生當中都沒有這樣的經驗。我覺得這就是個很大的收穫。

所以我覺得任何一個旅遊都值得,因為只要一對比,你都會回來檢討自己的生命意義和價值。旅遊不只是看,更是找到自己內在,最 美的東西。外在的風景,其實是你自己的心情。所以壯遊絕對不只是向外的觀察,而是向內的反省。

在一個環境久了,不但爆腦漿、爆肝,還會變得「僵化」與「麻木不仁」

出走當然是一個很棒的選擇,若短期無法成行…

閱讀、手作、聊天、學習、陪伴、分享、運動、散心、唱歌、畫畫….也是不錯的方法

只能讓你的生活比重產生變化的 自然也會改變你的生活品質,避免腦子僵化、心靈麻木了。

有多久沒抬頭看看天、看看路邊的小花小草、聽聽在行道樹上吱喳的小鳥?

就从这些简单的开始吧!

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Find this man

Dear Qinzhi

Only a man, who is capable of saying this to you, shall be who you picked for your life.

not a man who promises you a life free of worry, of riches, of bliss. But a man who says this.

find this man to be with u on this journey.

“i will b there.

when u grow weary of carrying such a burden,there beside u,i will b.

when u regret beginning such endeavour, there i will b.

when u feel as though u cant go in, n want to raise your hands in surrender, when u feel frustrated that what’s before u is beyond ur capabilities,n even if, ultimately we might come away with nothing, having to face defeat with empty hands,by your side, it will always be me.”

—————from Sungkyunkwan Scandal Episode 17

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释放过去

亲爱的沁芝

这是多么重要的文字啊。

过去、祖先、长辈日经月累的的体验,这些印记都在我们的身上

有好的,也有不那么好的。

我的妈妈应该也有很多的恐惧,我想着妈妈恐惧的时候,害怕的时候、外婆恐惧的时候⋯⋯还有自己为什么恐惧,自己恐惧的时候。

自然想到沁芝恐惧、为什么恐惧。

觉知这些恐惧都是很多辈子留下来的,觉知了这些,觉得不能再回到以往的样子,继续恐惧

觉知是第一步,清楚知道了,不要再跌入过去埋下的圈套。

一次一次把它纠正过来

释放自己,也释放祖先、长辈,修补过去

最重要的,给自己更宽广自由的新生

最最重要的,不要让沁芝或后代,有机会恐惧。

真正的解脱。