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Understanding This

我还是有许多的不明白和不知所措。

12月31日,整理blog,发现了沁芝的许多——沁芝曾经是那么的宝贝。怎么事情会变成这样?就因为长大了吗?

以前的几乎每一个blog entry,都是写给沁芝的。有了沁芝以后,我什么都告诉她。就像是我内心的朋友,什么都要跟沁芝说。包括自己最不堪不安的一面,都要老实禀报。我的喜怒哀乐。我的痛苦挑战。blog里头有生命最甜美的小事,也有和daddy意见不合的投诉种种。全部都让沁芝知道。

比如我说过这样的话——早在2011年,我说深深向沁芝鞠躬,因为mommy没有为沁芝的到来做好心理准备,心里的不安也许让沁芝难过了。小时候不在有mommy的情况下成长,所以也觉得沁芝没有mommy在身边也是可以应付的。

我写说:“我要教导沁芝,乐观、坚强、勇敢。我必须先乐观坚强勇敢。”

然后呢?每天的每天当中,失去了对这些承诺的把握。慢慢的,失去了自己的想法执着。割舍掉和沁芝的时间。我看到了我的自私, 我重视自己多于选择为沁芝好的选择。比如我选择工作,由姨姨婆婆照顾沁芝。我可以理解,这是因为我自己的童年使然。我的童年在奶妈家,没有妈妈的日子里成长,不晓得有妈妈的样子。沁芝就是在教我,唤醒我的这一点。w

我看到我写,“Dear Qinzhi,Do not forget how special u r. When u were as young as 26 mths n attended kindermusik , u were always non conforming like other children. You would not sit with mummy or daddy whilst other children did. You always had a mind of your mind. Bravely go for what you want. What do you want? Remember not to give those up easily, because you r so so special.”

但是现在的沁芝总是被割舍。有了皓皓以后,投入工作以后,一点一点割舍给她的时间和空间————于是她也学习到割舍掉自己。

2010年我生日,“今年最好的一份礼物就是沁芝叫:“妈妈”。ah hui阿姨说,沁芝前一天才会叫的。

昨天看着一张张沁芝的照片,很甜美,很甜美。看着,总是感动。我问自己,要如何守护这个家?让它像是沁芝的笑这么幸福?
这么甜美?这么美好?
让沁芝安心、稳定?还是必须从发自内心的宁静开始。要让沁芝在最健康的环境下成长、欢笑?大人内心必须先健康、安宁。

但是我只说却做不够。

另一天我写————“今天沁芝看着mummy,凑过来,时而把脸凑过来贴近我的脸,双手绕过mummy的颈项抱抱、亲亲。谢谢你,我的宝贝。”

真相就是这样。尽管沁芝给我带来那么多,我给的还是不够。这一年来,沁芝每天都写我爱你的纸条和卡片—Mommy I Love You。非常非常非常非常渴望得到我的注意和疼爱。我都没有听到她的声音。

这是一件连我自己也不太明白的事情。写给沁芝的点滴,感情都那么的真实动人。但为什么我还是不够爱沁芝呢?就因为沁芝来的太突然吗?还是还有什么其他的原因啊?有什么其他我还不明白的?和我自己和母亲怀我的时候有关吗?妈妈懂我吗?听到我吗?

拉开记忆。我自己小时候和妈妈和记忆是空白的。我唯一想到的是,孩子都是模仿的动物,所以我我们都会用所知的那一套去运用于生活。我妈妈是这样在爱我对吧?

——————也是把我放在奶妈家。我没有留长发。没有各种如同其他女孩那样,飘逸多彩的裙子、花俏的链子耳环。都是简朴的。

那是我妈妈的做法和风格。可能也取决于当时的生活条件,我可以明白那是她为了工作养活我们,于是承继下来。毫无疑问没有思考地承继下来。然后有了沁芝之后也以我所知的那样去重复。

小时候的我也喜欢留长发的,也喜欢其他小女生那样恨女生的发饰、裙子、包包。但没有也不觉得没什么大不了。但是沁芝不一样。沁芝就是让我知道,她和我不一样,我不能让、要求别人跟我一样,必须去照顾别人的想法和感受。必须这样自己突破。

现在长大了可以理解当时生活不容易,但我不存在于妈妈的年代,我其实是完全有能力放弃工作照顾孩子的。只是我没有那么选择。没有那么选择也不是错,只是要如何在这当中,继续爱护守护沁芝。给她空间去诠释、开拓自己。

回头看这一切,非常明了大局、前因如何把我们推向这样的后果。我就是这样一步步毫无怀疑地走向这里的。因为历史、因为过去、因为一切的一切滚动推力。

但是我也看到我们可以做很多事。才不至于让女儿重复我们。我看到我们可以一起用一家人的力量整顿生命,非常宝贵的生命。去改变我们习以为常、根深蒂固的态度做法。

这件事要我们做的,真真切切就是去uproot已经不受用、不能够serve我们的逻辑系统。一家人去创造新的可能性、新的途径。

这几天一直处在担忧、害怕当中。我可以做的,就是学习面对,去完全接受。如同仁波切说的那样————尝试与它做朋友。然后依循着这件事去观察、探索、去改变,去转化,创造新的条例和秩序。帮助我自己,也帮助我们一家人。

如同老师所说,就是要先康复自己。觉知一切,突破一切,取得崭新的视角,去创造新的局面和可能性。这是一次破裂和深刻的重塑、再造机会。尝试各种以前没有尝试的,去试探去探索。有许多的可能性。

我想我可以。一步一步。跟着直觉,内心。

May the divine and my guardian angels, support me greatly and guide me each and every step of the way. May we all receive healing and love, May the creative spark be always with me to intuitively create new possibilities and a new tender loving energy. For myself, my kids, my family and the world.

And one more thing———–Be happy! Because all this, life, is so precious.

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Healing XXXXXv

Teacher specially made time for me even if it were a last minute call to him. And I understood why. I cannot say how miraculous it was but he told me it was because he had been through my path.

His daughter suffered from epilepsy at 4, he quit his job and went on to discover for himself all sorts of healing methods he could apply for his precious one. He says, “My daughter is my teacher and the reason why I m here today. In this healing practice, because as I worked on her, i discovered and began to work this on more people. She had a big attack at age 4, then alls good for one year. Then another one one year later, then it became more frequent. But the medication had a lot of side effects so i took a bolder way, she did not use medications, but by age 8 she was doing well and now she’s recovered.”

Wow.

I have seen him for 55 sessions, is that the reason why I have been seeing him.

Like a bigger hand that has a plan and is guiding me to it? Or, was I the planner——-How did everything get its place? How did i come to this position, or how did my family members and love ones find theirs in the now?

We approach not knowing.

I told teacher about Qinzhi’s seizure, and the big one she had on 27th December when we were holidaying. She woke up really angry and having mood swings. I handed her ningxia red and got her to drink, and she got really sore and let out, “why every morning like that?”

We asked her about this. Like what? we probed. Her brother was clearer, “Mommy, you always ask us what we want, but in the end, you gave us what you want.” But Qinzhi chose to keep quiet. She didn’t say or couldn’t say. She was struggling emotionally and she could not handle and the big seizure happened. I find her at the toilet dazed and not responding. We carried her to the bed. She vomitted out all the things she drank and remained to have impaired awareness not responding to us. Her dad cried and she could still wipe a tear off his face. But still remains in her world. I did not find this right and he carried her down and we drove sent her to the nearest hospital 20 min away. In the car, we kept rubbing her toes and talking to her, i sprayed mist on her and she responded, her hair fell and she responded. But she just did not say.

Did not say anything. Pinched her and got her round, she said ouch and gradually came to. But was afraid knowing we are sending her to hospital.

I told teacher about all this.

I told teacher Qinzhi was what Daddy and myself had after a 10 year relationship , after mom, uncle, his mom, passed away all in a very dramatic way. Through those years, we were together learning to patch our life back using what little mindfulness we had, we fumbled and made our way—on hindsight, really with blessings from above. Then we applied and got our house, and planned for marriage, that was when we discovered we had Qinzhi, after a korea trip —-some 5 months before before the day we were suppose to get married.

With a marriage certificate.

I was fixated on steps. I was educated to. You had to do this before you do that. You had to follow this and definitely DO something before you could arrive at that.

You had to get a marriage certificate before you are legally married and have a baby.

It was societal. If you did not follow, you were sort of the lesser crowd. AT that time. Also my tribe was big, my extended family was a big one and everyone was about getting things right. If not it was frowned upon and discussed on the side. If not, you risk the criticism and disfavour of grandmother.

It was like that.

And I had been a good student obeying all the rules all the while.

Only this time.

Yet Qinzhi is letting me discover the wonder of joy and magic in life. Of a blossoming. Of all the little and big things in life. Qinzhi led me on to wonders after wonders, morphing me into completeness along the way.

Now i look back, it was after giving birth to Qinzhi, that i started my healing journey. I blossomed I morphed.

But i was not able to cross that point when i conceived, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, i didnt knew how to take this news, Mom was already not here then. It was my nanny who knew first and started cooking for me.

Teacher listened and said, “So now can you already accept this?”

I honestly still feel that I have not resolved this, logically it looks really silly how these norms and watertight rules should override the precious magic of life. Silly, laughable, ignorance.

But truly i was under the spell of this.

And now I m writing, perhaps this was my way of rejecting or refusing and rebutting of those “norms” I was subconsciously not agreeable to. I wanted to challenge those. So I went against the tide having Qinzhi.

Teacher says, “Qinzhi can feel all this. Being not welcomed enough. For beings who feel this way, they become closed up in their own system and their own world. Like a defence mechanism.”

I asked what I can do about this.

Strangely I been having this feeling about reading my blog to her. When I discovered my pregnancy.

Teacher suggested this method called metamorphosis. Its putting your hands into a butterfly shape, recounting the time i was pregnant and moving and working with the pulsations at the points the fingers connected. Working on this for 10 days, 1 day represents one month.

Very nicely, he says that I can let him know when i start so he can support me.

I told him, Qinzhi has been a guiding teacher in my life. She kickstarted me to adulthood and my learning journey as a person. When I had panic attacks, and had to bring her to the music lessons, it was her hand that held on to mine to give me energy. But now, her hands are cold and limp. Her hands were always warm and full of energy. But in return for giving, we scolded her badly.

We gave her what she didnt want. We gave her what we want. We did not listen to her. We did not hear. We did not take heed and take care of her. We could not appreciate her heart and the voice there. We did not respond to her. Her pleas or her refusals to follow us. She just continued to take that. We did not see her at all. And now in her seizures she doesn’t listen or respond to us.

And I know realise this LACK OF RESPONSE IS HER LOUDEST RESPONSE.

Teacher explained Qinzhi’s epilepsy to me, “because she said and you did not take heed, you did not hear. So Qinzhi has chosen this path to make you listen.”

“She has chosen this pathway to subject herself to this to make you sit up and listen. You can not ignore this or subject her to hurt anymore. Help her find her light and become the light and wonder she wants. Not what you want.”

Teacher also cautioned us on a few things. That when the seizure happened, adults are in shock too.

“And so we need to take cake of this as well. When adults are worried about the next attack—-you portray and create an energy field and more often then not, it leads to the subsequent attacks.”

“We have to be very mindful about this and there are things we can do.”

“Turning eyeballs. Rightwards 3 times and leftwards many times. Rightwards you times, imagine yourself in a time machine, and pushing a button gets you back in time to the time the seizure happens. When you are there, the eyeballs go leftwards. To release the energy of the incident.

Be creative about this. You can change things by changing or breaking the energy pattern in the fifth dimension. Now that you are in a safe position and turning your eyeballs leftwards, you can see clearly the situation then. How would you react? Visualise and use your imagination. Would you react the same way? Or would you give Qinzhi a gentle hug? You will see her eyes shine. Or if your husband and son is there, all of you can hug her. Doing this is creating a new pattern a new energy and this will impact the energy now and here.”

ReWRITING. ReWIRING.ReBOOTING.

There is a lot of comfort you find in —-being able to address something which has passed. Like the least and at the same time the most you can do.

Teacher also taught about the helpfulness on massaging the spine to remove blockages in there which could affect clarity and our nervous system.

Teacher also cautioned us that we should not quarrel in front of kids because they do not know how to handle and process. “Like Qinzhi says, when she’s going to have seizure she feels like she cannot handle it. Kids cannot handle. So you and and your husband has to have a contract, how do you handle or manage differences? You have to sort that out. But NO—not infront of kids.”

“For every child, he or she looks for a nurturing mother and a protective father. When you had panic attacks, you had to be away, Qinzhi has to find protection in her father too to establish close relationships with you, and subsequently this will affect her as she starts to establish her relationship with the world.”

He also encourages us to look deep within —-in fact the first step would be exploring and putting in place and moulding our relationship as husband and wife, to achieve to sense of deeper bonding and understanding, a better cohesion of our relationship and changing things from within before we can address and make changes to our relationship with Qinzhi.

I told Teacher that I was trying to digest this along the way.

That day in Tasmania, it was winter solstice. That day i saw a FB post on one of my friend’s page and it read—-Read that Winter Solstice is a reminder to let everything go and begin again. Not just on 22 Dec but on any given day, any given moment. Winter Solstice is both the darkest day and the return of light. It is when things are darkest that light is about to return. It is the deepest part of night that the new day begins.

How poetic how right. No wonder the old folks always say, winter solstice is like the new year and we have the tradition of eating tangyuan or circle shaped dumplings on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Everyday in Tasmania, we drove past majestic mountains and land masses which opened up to the sun. That winter solstice day in Tasmania, as the kids slept in the car, I looked at the sheer vastness, the mountains the trees the openness and the tears just flow.

Life is so big.

The understanding is a bit different now. Its not that of having to succumb but that of reverence, respect and a humbling that comes with this new understanding of life that sent these tears of appreciation. It’s realisation and perception, a very powerful one. Seeing this allows you to put alot of things in pespective and to trust the process. Its not letting go but trusting the work and the underlying hand. And that’s when we can rest with the flow, ride with it and COCREATE.

I also thought about transformation. And using this as an opportunity to change and alter deep seated arrangements and practices, melting away things thoughts attitudes feelings emotions ways of life that do not work anymore.

Seeing this is amazing, its the practice that Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche has put in place these few years.

I also see the transient nature of life. In our last session, I remember telling Teacher that we can prepare for certain things. But apparently, not at much as we would like to.

I have never felt life so precious in a long while. Or appreciate its fleeting nature so greatly. The last was probably mom’s, uncle’s, auntie’s death as it loomed.

We forgot about appreciating the idea of impermanence in life, even if it was so true so real.

And I shared with Teacher that I also see this as a blossom or a ripening of sorts. That when conditions are present, or ripe, a fruit and flower blossoms. And learning to embrace this and letting down our preconceived notions about what should or should not why this and why not.

More importantly, the change has to come from within. He says, “For Qinzhi who is closed up, how do you breakthrough that? You have to address the close systems within you, you have to open up and change within yourself your old ways, so that she can see this happening to you to inspire her change and transformation.”

Teacher also shared about sharing important information with kids when they are most relaxed. That is when you are about to drift into sleep and the subconscious mind comes up to receive information. Understanding this can let us better use this precious time to transmit and send information to our kids.

“Look at this positively, and you can use this opportunity to transform.”

I asked Teacher how do i say goodbye to 2018?

He thought for a while, “by letting everything go back to Mother Earth, this grounding sense of energy, and renewing with her in her presence. When you let go, there is renewing of energy.”

And welcoming the new 2019?

“Welcoming Qinzhi back into your life and welcoming 2019 can be in tandem. If I were you, I will give her a big hug and say to her, how how how precious she is to you and the family.”

I told Teacher, if this is the time I should stop my work and come back to my family, it seemed to be the thing to do, to make myself feel better. But i also thought i want to put up a fight for this, to continue my work but adjust my time so that i show up for my kids at home when they are back from school. Teacher ‘s advice is, “Your work is your life, its how you concrete and gets inspired by life and inspire. I certainly do not see that quitting is the appropriate thing to do. But SURELY, showing up and listening to your kids and seeing who they are and changing within you to break down old systems and modes.”

I cannot say how powerful this teaching —-this teaching of life is. The work i have done in my professional field has been preparing for me to address my own. When i offer myself to the interview, to the newsmaker, to the chefs, i listen intently and with all of my heart. And I find out their light and put it in videos.

But I haven’t really offered my presence to my Qinzhi, the one who has taught me so much and kickstarted my healing journey to understanding life.

How can my works be sincere if I do not show up for Qinzhi and listen to her being.

And all these healing sessions, these 55 sessions of them, is truly powerful because I unlocked so much and found so many messages that gave me deep insightful understanding of how life works.

Most of all, teacher taught me about listening and offering his presence to me. Or to my soul development. And I think this is truly truly valuable truly precious. He taught by way of example. And I m very inspired to take the cue and do this for my Qinzhi.

To myself and my life, to truly listen to voices and let it shine.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

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Healing XXXXXiv

The opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to say out voices from the heart. 

Not only mine but also my interviewees. It’s finding my own voice and then finding out others because life is resonance.

I only figured it out after I have been in media for like 19 years.

To which Teacher says, “ this is the gift from your mother”.

I was confused.

It was hard to swallow. I know we complete others and ourselves.

But knowing it now, it feels like in a movie of sorts and you now know the truth —— which you have been in all this while, living this truth while not knowing it.

Like all planned for by Mom or a bigger hand but . But no.

Because any point in time, I would have turned out any other way. But I did not.

“You expressed what your mother did not. Maybe she was really like you too but she couldn’t find her voice nor say it out. You did it for her.

This is healing.”

More than anything , it was teacher’s sense of accomplishment that let me realize how good this is

I thought of my daughter. When bf is ride to me, I would habitually take it down, like my mother would. But Qinzhi would bite back to defend me.

Teacher said, “honor her. This needs to be.”

I specially went to see teacher before I left. I wanted a roundup of sorts.

My classmate had passed away. And when I heard the news, I felt like I knew that feeling I felt. 

I was frozen like how I felt when mom, uncle auntie, passed away. People I knew seemed to go suddenly.

The difference was—— I knew I m frozen.

The awareness like Tsoknyi Rinpoche says—- about the imprints that are left in our lives, is good to help me breakthrough.

Those few days I felt like there was a lot going on in the subconscious body. Lots of things popping up. Unsteady feelings, fear negativity…,

I told teacher —— there is no more once one is dead.

He reminded me about how we discussed the soul moving on for betterment. The journey continues at the soul level.

I knew this. I told teacher I knew. Because with India with Khadro-la, I experienced the length of time. And you just knew. 

But more than not, we would use our mundane humane consciousness to understand it at our level.

Of this journeying of the soul, He says,“ it is about going home. Or going to where we came from. We r light bodies and for some reasons, we fell from that state and become what we are. And everything we do has no right or wrong but is our way of navigating towards the way back—- to the style light beings.”

I was rather fascinated by this theory. I haven’t thought through yet but it seems to hold some promise.

I said that even if I knew the soul continues a journey after a lifetime , we would use our limited knowledge and wisdom to understand death. Even if deep down we knew the soul progresses , it’s not the same to embrace this.

Teacher asked me why I m so affected by my classmate ‘s passing. He stresses that each time we talk abt smtg, the emphasis is on why this something hit us, rather than the story itself.

I said it is because of its suddenness. The realness or reality about life is how subtle it can be and I have seen it go so easily more than once. 

So many locked up emotions in me. And until I said my goodbye to my friend, did I feel better.

But the way this affected me—- was a little bit more —- like waking me up to say- hey it’s time to get serious.

No more pushing away or closing an eye.

I said that of course we could try n cushion this , like preparing or allocating resources doing a will so that when it stops somewhere, there is at least little things that people can hang on to 

But as I was saying this—- no, life really can slip away to nothingness.

I guess it is a sense of control you are losing and understanding that from the outset like you can not control birth, neither do you have a handle over death

Smtg bigger than yourself you have no way over and learning to see that no matter how you have tried to master , you go with the flow

It also is about appreciating life and making the best out of this opportunity 

Which begs the question—- what is the meaning or purpose of life? 

I told teacher life is precious because of the life it brings. Such such precious opportunity.

I have read that it takes a lot to become a human and now we have. We HAVE!

We CAN do things we CAN contribute we CAN change the world we CAN do so so so many things 

Life is so big it’s humbling

We are so small yet we CAN change n make things better

The big n little of it——— is just unfathomable and amazing

I told teacher my understanding of life is that we are given an opportunity to right wrongs or pursue yet again smtg we could do better. Like when I gave birth to my second child, did all the things I did not do right or the way I liked

I said I like to interpret it once more. And the practice all these years———would be for me—— to learn to speak out (I rem I was a reporter and I didn’t dare ask qns in the beginning) it was learning to find my voice and acknowledge its importance

Then I did not dare to ask questions I was quiet n timid

I did not feel like my question mattered 

Then it was writing food reviews and questioning if my opinions mattered

then it became learning to express or speak the truth, confronting my father and myself 

and then afterwards———-learning to speak with heart and from the heart.

To tell a real story that reflects another’s life another’s heart and soul

Each time I could find a way out on my own, I could go to the next level and I saw it in my work

It matters to me a great deal. And in the process I get to work with my inner self too. And gets pushed in the direction to look in-depth within me

Coincidentally a few days later I had the chance to visit saint pierre n once I sat down I saw a note from chef —— that says out everything I prob need to say.

“creating food to b enjoyed savoured and loved has been my calling. Finding the path to remain grounded and true to my mission has been my quest. My training is deeply seated in the flawless flow of harmonious energy which has inculcated in me an intuitive acknowledgement that our surrounding karma is the resultant action of our own making…..”

And ends with “ from my heart to your table”

I could almost change it to become

“From my heart to your iPhone” now that people consume the videos I make on iphones 

Shared this with teacher and he says, “ why are you touched?”

I say “The short note the chef puts on the table haha is like summarizing what I did!”

For me.

All these years, the people I met the stories I do tend to say out for me my values my emotions my heart my life

Like a mirror 

Like an echo from my heart which found a way back to me

Before I left, teacher encouraged me to celebrate myself and my achievements. To honour myself

“It is v important to honour the things you have done. You have been one of the very few who has have the awareness to work within and with yourself to achieve breakthroughs. And you manifest these in your life. 

Your stories touch always and that is the your style. I look at them when you share them with me. “

And the best he says is he wanted to share them further.

This is great support and encouragement to me. Coming from teacher. He probably saw that I need the affirmation.

在四季酒店的spa。服务员介绍设施的时候说,某个水疗的设施对于颈部疼痛有帮助。

于是就在那里,用水洗涤身体不小心收下的酸痛。

I try to work with myself whenever I have the chance 

想到害怕。妈妈去世的时候,躺在病床上,我好像都没有跟她说什么。我问自己,就像每次老师会问我那样——如果回到那一刻,你会对妈妈说什么?

直觉告诉我,我会说—-你怎么都不好好照顾自己?怎么老是把自己放在最后?

然后想到——我也是。不管是在家里公司,说话的时候,总是先想到别人,自己排后头。

可能这就是我的功课。我看看沁芝,也是这样——不断礼让弟弟,自己的情绪在最后。

要学!

而且是从内而外烁的。什么是照顾自己?

除了食衣住行,还有就是不断修补康复自己。

我回忆起外公公公、外婆、舅舅、姨妈、妈妈、ah kiat去世时的突然,尝试和那些惊悚的片刻交流。

知道生命是这样,也不是。

所以不用被这些套牢,可以释放。可以呼吸。I tried to breathe to let go off the trauma. And to acknowledge it

我记得自己如何努力用力活在妈妈的期待之下。然后看到沁芝。

她在努力以及不想努力当中。俨然一面镜子。照见我。难怪我也在半推半就之下。

我意识到,即便我什么都不做我还是妈妈的女儿。沁芝也是。

沁芝不是什么或者得做什么才是我女儿。看到这点很重要,好像突然之中有什么释放了

I have been living up to my mother’s expectations and did way beyond but it doesn’t mean anytime me even if I have excelled

But when I write a good story I know

That is the satisfaction,  nourishment.

I want to stop that old me and spend energy with the latter to say out voices from the heart

Real raw voices that has been really experienced but only had a place in the heart

But it shouldn’t just be 

A lot of voices can find resonance and an echo

Life is so big there’s space for these voices

They needn’t be kept down 

And I know that Qinzhi will have a similar love of her life that does not require my expectations 

She should be free from it from me and the sooner the better

She has to fly and fly I did 

That day I interviewed a young three star chef, I was touched. 

He had been the second in command but now he’s got three stars. He seems too young for his claim to fame and he has not displayed convincing enough stature a chef would have. He says he isn’t afraid of difficulty. 

Because he now has an opportunity and he just wants to make the best he can out of it.

So he is not afraid of challenge nor difficulty. I was touched and I knew why.

Because I m like this too.

When the door opened for me here, I displayed this mentality whether it was as little as an interview, a video project or something as big as sales.

So I was really touched. Instantly I realized and I acknowledged myself then.

Looking back, I begin to understand how this all come into place and how everything is starting to make sense. 

It was humbling and really enlightening.

But, I came back from my work trip to find Qinzhi n Huaihao at the airport waiting for me 

Then daddy told me the news

Qinzhi has a seizure last Sunday and was sent to hospital. She was having dinner and she stared into space and is not exactly reactive for ten plus minutes

After an EEG the hospital found spikes in her left brain and suggested an mri

I was weak from listening to this but I quickly asked for an appointment to the specialist and got it at 9am the next day

I went into the mri scan with Qinzhi n waited 

At 2pm the doctor called to say it looks like the mri is clear 

But because she had another seizure this morning, this is considered epilepsy 

Qinzhi has to b put on medication for 2 years to suppress the seizure n to let the wiring get better

I did not know how to take this

I was extremely relieved to hear the scan didn’t show anything but this is a lifetime of work to do with zhi

I looked back at the last message she sent me and after replying her I asked if she did work 

When I saw that I was so angry with myself—-is that all I can ask of her?

When I cleared things in my store I saw her write 沁芝♡妈妈。

I haven’t listened all this while

I did not hear her at all

I was oblivious to Qinzhi when she needed me. I didn’t know how to love her as a mother.

This is so torturous 

I did not think about how she felt at all

I didn’t care at all 

Daddy asked Qinzhi if she wants to keep her hair long

Qinzhi says,” mommy says I got to pass my exam”

I felt so guilty

Like how my mother’s word meant to me.

I said smtg that I do not mean totally but became the decreed for Qinzhi this that stuffed her tortured her 

But I got so fearful thinking that I may lose her or if anything happened to her 

Daddy cried so hard-he said he felt soo for Qinzhi because if his mother was around there would be someone to love her.

But I said, it’s not true. Hui n gor love her more than themselves.

He asked,”were we too harsh on Qinzhi? “

Yes I said. We did not know how to love her

I did not 

Qinzhi came earlier than expected 

I was five months pregnant when I got married 

Maybe subconsciously I did not accept this well. So Qinzhi was always feeling inconfident and unwanted

She was always not at the centre while her brother was

And she always subjected herself to the sides

I thought about how I scolded her during the exams.

“Don’t you know how to do this?”

“Qinzhi why are you doing this to me? “

We brought Huaihao to the Chinese doctor and I was pushing her to do maths all the way

I front of other people in public 

I did not consider how she felt at all

I hurt her so much and she couldn’t have an answer 

She loves me so so much but I only questioned her this way——to a 9 year old

I imagine her at a total loss blaming herself 

She couldn’t take it

Yongjuan says’ “Maybe her mind wanted to shut down from something external .  Too stressful , she wanna run away”

Maybe medically they call it epilepsy but this was really really due to the stress caused by the exams and me

Each time she didn’t know how to work on her math she just stood still 

This time it got serious 

I feel so regretful 

Although the doctor says this has nothing to do with stress but I feel like 

I single handledly caused this. Qinzhi was such a happy child just last week or a few days earlier and now she’s been having two seizures and we do not know when is the next

And when I see other kids who r normal and do not have to take medication, my heart has so much pain and regret

I brought this upon my daughter, I want my healthy happy daughter back

And I m going to do all I can to bring her health and happiness back

I m going to channel all my energy to healing her and bringing her back to balance

Both daddy and I talked about this

And we really want to change as a family 

To cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and to open Qinzhi up 

Qinzhi has too many things on her mind in her heart and she doesn’t say it out

Sorry doesn’t amount to any effect but I want to seek Qinzhi’s forgiveness and from myself and daddy 

Qinzhi does not have a voice,  the opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to find and acknowledge my own, then helping others to voice out their heart, and now its about helping Qinzhi find and say out her voice from the heart. 

0

9 Years 9 months

亲爱的沁芝

考试成绩分发回来

你居然只给mommy看英语和华语测验纸

数学科学没拿出来

因为不及格。

mommy看到你的成绩,不知如何是好。去年我们谈过的。

你说你不喜欢读书。我说好,那及格就好。你说你自己努力不用mommy催。我们约定了。

今年就让你主导你的学习。

你说想拿60分以上。我们一言为定。

不知所措的也是我。

是不是mommy的错呢?放胆让你自己学习,结果一塌糊涂。

我问自己。

好像除了我们自己,找不到另外一个人谈这件事。

和daddy谈起,我们又发生思想方面的碰撞。daddy认为,我没有给他support,没有照着他提议的那样教沁芝。

mommy听了大发雷霆。因为他一年里面,没有教沁芝什么,结果说我没有支持和执行他的想法。我真的听了很不服。

教沁芝的是我。面对考试跟沁芝赶工的是我。daddy除了说我的方法不对,就是说我不愿意照着他的想法去做。

我跟他说,我真的有尽力。但是他呢?尽力帮助沁芝了吗?

他没有回应。

我跟daddy说,沁芝的问题也是我们的问题。就是没有open ourselves up tolife and its possibilities。

如果我们不改变,我们的下一代也会面对我们现在面对的现实。并且是加重的面对。因为这是一个deep dark energy,所以会吸引这样的事实。

我们要我们的孩子突破,我们首先要突破和改变,才能创造新的局面。

我说我们可以有思想方面的碰撞,但是目的是理清彼此想法,互补合作,精神上并且是从心里有共鸣,让孩子可以感受到我们真正的合拢。

Mommy不知所措还是你不敢拿出测验纸这件事。

亲爱的。我是你的mommy!

问你,拿到这成绩高不高兴?你说一点点。

那还要这样的成绩吗?你说不要。

那怎么办呢?你说做assessmentbook。于是我们去买开始策划假期时候温书的时间表。

隔天,和沁芝在家,想偷点时间和沁芝做点特别的。所以和沁芝外出,和沁芝一起午餐。这就是最重要的小事。

这一天怀皓的学校concert。我们全部起早去看。

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对于怀皓,沁芝不止一次说,怀皓很可爱,但是很坏蛋。两个人每天就在吵闹嬉笑怒骂中陪伴彼此成长。

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这一天,沁芝的英文补充内有寻找词语的练习,结果两个人把头放在一起。一起找。

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沁芝喜欢涂涂写写。在我们的迷你图书馆上面,看到沁芝写了这样一张字条。

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多可爱!

mommy生日,沁芝画了这样的礼物送给mommy。

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这一天mommy去访问法国米其林三星厨师alain passard,沁芝怀皓跟着去

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不知不觉,小妞又长大了

像是大人一样吃xo sauce,像是大人一样,手长脚长

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亲爱的,mommy跟阿姨说,只要沁芝健康平安快乐就好。

沁芝啊,mommy是这样想,才这么放胆让你去自己拿捏。

虽然看分数,似乎是有什么没有学到的,但mommy也这样看,我们都在和你一起学习。

学习这样在学习。虽然可能要花的时间多一点,但mommy相信,这是有理由有原因的。我们必须寻找学习的原因和动力。

此外,失败也是必须学习的。不及格这件事也是。

我们也在学习啊。亲爱的,你也要加油了!

那天阿姨说,阿姨拿了糖果给沁芝吃,结果沁芝回答说:“阿姨,你坐飞机的时候才吃。”

阿姨说:“为什么?你知道我坐飞机会吐啊?” 沁芝笑了笑。沁芝就是这么一个温柔的孩子。我想,这是课本上学不来的。

宝贝,好爱你。

0

9 Years 8 months

亲爱的沁芝宝贝

你看你,多么漂亮。原来跑步可以让一个人开心,mommy看到你开心,也很开心。你拿到奖牌那一天,从巴士上下车后就搜寻着我,然后蹦蹦跳跳跑向我,书包就在你的背上飞了起来。

你就是这样,在胸前挂起奖牌,好灿烂的笑容。好漂亮的小妞。

宝贝,继续跑!

我的意思是,继续做你喜欢的事。

怎么知道是不是喜欢?发自内心喜欢?

就是那件事让你这样微笑。发自内心。

最近的沁芝皓皓就是这样的,漂亮!

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喜欢给mommy准备各种各样的小纸条和礼物

因为mommy的生日,好像就是大日子一样。小瓜很期待。

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好漂亮好漂亮的宝贝!!!!这也是让你开心的事啊!

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阿妹姨姨去了纽约,买了新的睡衣给沁芝

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mommy生日这一天,沁芝皓皓去公公家住。就跟阿姨一起睡。

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这是沁芝皓皓要送mommy的花。

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亲爱的宝贝,

最近因为帮你补习,准备考试,有时就要拉高声量说话。希望你不要吓到或生气。有时是因为mommy着急,不晓得如何让你明白,找不到更好的方式让你明白,所以紧张起来就声音大了。

几天的努力之后,沁芝似乎在掌握数学的时候更有能力。

沁芝加油!爱你!

 

0

9 Years 7 Months

亲爱的沁芝 你看你,已经婷婷玉立的小姑娘了。 怎么时间去了那么多了? 你好像才刚刚出生。不是吗? IMG_0746 这一天,沁芝怀皓去外公家住。 4db703a2-a53c-4b04-a445-cdeb00e9ccf4 谁在阿姨的床上,也就是mummy以前结婚前睡的。 1f3cbd78-ef80-4a24-aa21-afa0ae44c05f隔天早上有阿姨弄早餐4d663f87-f984-49ea-af23-f368b0764abb4847651a-a17d-4a4e-b618-242309eec99b54616634-ddc2-4d62-80b4-b66fdaec95e2eab3018e-32af-452b-b785-f4a87f61ab3c然后庚延舅舅和舅妈带你们到动物园玩 0ca08851-d6c5-40ef-82c9-c78d5da75a8f25b1447a-6814-46ac-b2fc-14c87766f784 这个时候的沁芝,很爱写字条,虽然有点凌乱,但看得出她可爱顽皮IMG_1712
跟沁芝宝贝说,考试要到了,努力及格,可以顺利升学就好。 只是想沁芝不用压力太大,开开心心,健健康康。 Love you darling! Mommy结婚十周年的晚上,我们一家开开心心去吃御宝,没想到回来皓皓跟沁芝吵架,daddy大发雷霆。我的十周年结婚纪念就这样。 孩子长大了,有自己的想法了。皓皓原本和daddy在躺躺,沁芝进来,我准备去冲凉,然后就听到daddy嚷嚷,要把皓皓拉出外,沁芝从床上拉下来。 我进来制止。 沁芝说,说好了每人用一天mommy的枕头,结果沁芝昨天让给皓皓,皓皓今天又返=反悔。沁芝说,明天她就去房间睡,不跟皓皓好了。 我尝试打圆场,期间daddy进来几次,都是骂人,把枕头丢出去,丢在大门前。又要把皓皓抱出去。 结果闹了一轮,还是我来收尾。 这就是妈妈的工作吗? 妈妈就做这种事?为了这些事烦恼伤身劳累? 我跟皓皓说,姐姐一直让你,是因为爱你。甚至比mommy更爱你,皓皓呢?可以以相同的方式爱姐姐吗? 说动皓皓,去给姐姐道歉,皓皓哽咽跟着我念:“姐姐,i m sorry, i know you let me have the pillows because you love me, but i hurt you” 沁芝听了大哭,皓皓也边说边哭。 问沁芝,可以原谅皓皓吗?她摇头。 鼓励沁芝说出心里话——是不是因为你已经原谅弟弟很多次了?沁芝点头。 “i have given him many chances” Mommy 尝试劝架。 是不是吵架了就要成为敌人了?翻脸不认人了? 告诉沁芝皓皓,吵架是常常会有的事,daddy 和mommy吵,沁芝和皓皓,或者mommy和皓皓,mommy和沁芝。 那是不是我们就不要对方了?不是的。 我们要从中学习,也给对方和自己学习,学习去原谅别人,学习去说对不起。学习重新面对自己,还有深爱的人。 就是这样,一点一滴,在吵架中学习。 帮沁芝说话:“说出刚刚你想对皓皓说的话!是不是,我很生气你,我不要爱你了,你让我很受伤!你不爱我!” 沁芝说是,点点头。 鼓励他们两个,说两个都有不应该的地方,但是要从中学习,再让皓皓道歉,沁芝心软了。大家和好。 只是,打开门让他们知道,枕头都被丢在门口时,皓皓大哭了起来。他很难过,因为这是他每晚睡觉时的陪伴。 话说回来,两个都是爱对方的孩子,只是有时候难免会杠上。互不相让。 跟皓皓说—你是男生,要懂得礼让,更要懂得照顾沁芝宝贝,她是我的宝贝number 1,一定要照顾沁芝。 怎么都好,希望两人健健康康平平安安,开开心心,和和气气。  
0

9 years 6 months

亲爱的

你做到了!自己温习,自己考听写,考得好成绩,mommy是多么为你骄傲啊!mommy可以确定的是,你应该和我一样,或者比我更强,我的意思是,那种独立的个性。我知道你可以,只是你要不要的问题。

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这一天,mommy去Summer Pavilion吃饭,带回来炒饭,你看你,多漂亮!

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国庆当天,舅舅舅妈带你们外出。

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这些是沁芝皓皓写给mommy的情书。每天都有一封!

最近开始让沁芝皓皓去练儿童瑜伽,或许现在学的不多,但或许日后想起来,还是能记得什么。或者,这就是mommy种下的姻缘,以后的以后你们有一天可能会记得,上课的欢乐。因为你们说,喜欢上,还要来。

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一般上练瑜伽前我们都会去吃real food,然后你们爱吃冰棒,沁芝爱巧克力、莓果口味。皓皓喜欢芒果椰子。

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沁芝好漂亮哦

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Mozza 关门的前一天,我们去吃,daddy说,沁芝要吃冰淇淋,就要亲亲爸爸。

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好漂亮啊我的宝贝!

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dandelyn的儿子archer每周来姨姨婆婆家,沁芝真的很疼爱小宝宝。笑得好甜,疼爱有加。希望沁芝知道,婆婆姨姨就是这样爱你们的。或者更爱。

最近阿姨星期二喜欢来红山走走,沁芝有阿姨婆婆来,好开心。

亲爱的宝贝,你看你,本来就是这么开心carefree的,笑起来是这么的甜美阳光。宝贝啊,每天都这样笑着。

May you be well and happy!