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10 Years 2 Months

亲爱的宝贝,你可以。Mommy我是这样相信。

迈向10岁3个月的期间,沁芝有许多新的体验。Mommy也是。比如说,让沁芝去假日营,沁芝学习呼吸,体验骑马,尝试pet therapy等等。沁芝很喜欢,因为交到朋友,甚至想要sleepover。

只是camp的最后一天,沁芝去到麦里芝蓄水池便突然呕吐。没得继续行程。

另一件新的尝试,就是mommy有一周,去接沁芝下课。然后去接皓皓。因为阿祖往生了。公公没有开车。我们就这样,今天下课后吃鸡饭、明天尝试另一摊。

回到家后,沁芝赶快做功课,然后我们敢去阿祖那儿帮忙。沁芝找到了新的玩伴。不亦乐乎,每天就急着要去。晚上迟了也不肯回家。甚至闹情绪。

看到有人来,小朋友们会到前面去跪。阿祖出殡那一天,沁芝也去送阿祖最后一程。小小如沁芝,可能半懂不懂,让我想起了自己小时候,那时候送阿公。

沁芝跟着Uncle John的话,一个多月来不见有seizure。有一天,老师捎来沁芝在学校学习的片段。Mommy看了很是激动很是感动。我的宝贝,原来这么出色。这么棒!

一切好好的。那一周,3月25日,我们减了沁芝早上的药物的分量,减一半。

结果阿祖出殡的隔天,Mommy准备带皓皓去接沁芝的时候,突然接到老师的来电,说————沁芝打羽球的时候,突然倒在地上。赶快带沁芝去看医生。请阿妹阿姨去诊所等候。医生说,应该是药物减了的关系。病情才会复发。

医生建议药量调回之前的分量,然后我们安心回家。决定到Cedele Wheelock吃晚餐,原本大家开开心心,结果沁芝突然间倒下。碗碟打破。我们全部吓了一跳。

我从没看过沁芝这样。我不知道应该怎么办。这么这么突然。生命就是这样吧。

很幸运的,有一对夫妇上前来帮助我们。他们说,他们的孩子5岁的时候也有这问题,但后来就好了起来。太太一边帮忙一边祷告,先生帮我支撑沁芝。不一会儿,沁芝回来了。救护车来了,救护人员要送沁芝去kk,我坚持把她送去gleneagles,这对夫妇还送我们去。

后来沁芝在医院观察了一晚,没事隔天做了脑电波的检测,出院了。

那一晚,沁芝沉睡。沁芝太累太累了。原来沁芝那一天便便了,说没有擦干净,所以内裤脏了,mommy一看,原来不是便便,而是沁芝长大了呢。宝贝长大了。

因为这情况,Mommy跟老板要求,每天午餐后回家办公。多出了和沁芝皓皓相处的时间,我们会看电视、唱歌、画画。

才知道,沁芝原来已经这么大了。好多歌,沁芝都会,像是Bruno Mars的Count On Me,Katy Perry的Roar等等。

这段时间跟daddy的沟通不舒畅。一直感觉到无助,因为我说的他都有听没有懂。他不理解。他没有给我air views的空间。

一直到今天早上,daddy抱着我说,不要生气了。我听他这么说,反而大哭了一下。好像身体里有一部分开启,守得云开。这么久以来,这是我第一次感觉到他愿意和我一起承担我的感受。support我的process。有聆听、有肯谅解的感觉。

我想跟他说,我不是生气,而是受伤。因为他之前的选择、说法,让我觉得自己是一个人。

突然之间我就明白了。原来我不给沁芝空间的时候沁芝也是这样感觉的。我们必须改变这种不好的感觉,妨碍大家前进成长的感觉。这也是沁芝的启发。

4月17日,沁芝吃完饭在看电视。爸爸要帮忙沁芝剪指甲,然后看到不长不需要剪,跟沁芝说,不需要剪。结果沁芝还是没有听到。依然把手放在爸爸那儿。

把沁芝带到沙发上休息,抱着她。然后握她的手。她的手没有自主能力。

mommy尝试冷静。念诵祈求菩萨保佑。然后用valor给沁芝按摩脚。皓皓问:“发生什么事?”

这个时候的沁芝,有点in n out的感觉,好像就快不能自己。她很frustrated。控制不了状况。而且被控制。

我跟皓皓说,姐姐累了。皓皓到耳边说:use joy。然后请皓皓去拿joy来,我帮姐姐擦脚底。

慢慢的,沁芝恢复过来了。

事后问沁芝,这是stone stone吗?她说,还没到。她用手指,说,假如某个高度是stone stone,那她刚才的状况就是在接近地表的地方。尝试跟沁芝说,假如意识到了这种感觉,overwhelmed的感觉,那就要尝试觉知,然后转移焦点,去念诵。

沁芝说明白。那一天我们做了什么?会不会是mommy思绪翻涌,沁芝也感受到了?所以才会有这样的反应?

Easter这一天,我们起个大早。然后去COMO Cuisine吃早点。不亦乐乎,有parma ham toastie、沁芝爱的raspberry lemonade,spiced lentils rice cake等等,之后步行到植物园。

沁芝说:“mommy,play,come n play with us!”沁芝牵着我的手,鼓励我踏出第一步。然后我就真的这样试着。

然后跟沁芝说,谢谢沁芝鼓励我。

沁芝长大了。祝福沁芝健康、平安、喜乐!

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10 Years 1 Month

某天,沁芝传了这张照片过来,很震撼。问沁芝,是不是想做回那个时候的自己?是啊。多么漂亮开心。mommy于是很受启发,想要努力,帮助沁芝回到那个时候。跟沁芝说————我们一起努力。

小时候的沁芝,多么漂亮。

可能那就是所谓真实,不受到任何熏染的单纯的快乐。怎么回到那个时候呢?

在Uncle John的帮助下,沁芝的情况一天天好转起来。Mommy的心里压力递减了许多。

多么的漂亮美好。发着光亮。原本的光和亮。本来就这样,怎么这些光之前都被扫去、压抑?覆盖?

我们作父母的,究竟做了什么?

3月9日,带沁芝去看Uncle John,他花了很多时间跟我们说,孩子的世界,就是大人的世界。孩子反映大人的世界。并且提了许多个重点。基本信息是,大人和睦,小孩才和睦。

9 Mar 2019

  1. Use 8 Feb protocol
  2. add Mighty Pro-probiotic that converts food nonsense to nutrients, to ground her
  3. For 2 weeks: -(a) Toe vitaflex with V6 and same oils: Massage from the heart; Hold her leg, cross your hands, calm her down for 30s (b)Raindrop  (c)Word of encouragement-how much you love her, positive words, affirmation 
  4. Recreate who you are so you recreate her reality. Help her to create her own, she’s taking her time to develop her character thru parents (We are cocreating reality: when you change yourself, everything around you changes. What you perceive you conceive : change the way qinzhi conceive and perceive), . Up our assurance. Kids are very reactive, they are a mirror of our subconscious, they are very precise. We are shaping her world. Kids fr 3-7 yrs, live in subconscious, they react and absorb. Recreate who you are so you recreate her reality.  Learn how to create what you want. The more you affirm the more you show up.一念三千
  5. After 2 weeks: 3rd week reduce morning dosage by half: keep this for 3 weeks
  6. 4th week: Dosage becomes morning half night half: keep for 3 weeks then half again
  7. Home Energy: she needs a more happy, fun, laid back mood in the house
  8. 1 week later: come back to Natalie to bridge and support.

Plant Oils/EOs work on 3 levels like a tuning fork, every oil has a different vibration, they are symphonic and multi level, when you use and shower, tune you up like acupuncture : body/heart/spirit (awaken the person, sharp acute sensory)

We are all ONE, expressing in different ways and creating different experiences

Food as Medicine

Evidence based

这一天,放学以后,带沁芝皓皓去香格里拉的indoor playground

然后去吃cedele,还有两人很喜欢的vegan matcha chocolate cake

学校假期的第一天,终于带沁芝皓皓去了St Regis Staycaytion。沁芝好期待。

沁芝最开心就是泡浴缸还有游泳。

从沁芝发生seizure以来三个月。好像过了很久,有许多的发生、发现和思考。很多Mommy还想不通可能不理解的。可以肯定的是,学习到许多。

mommy听Uncle John的话,不断的赞美沁芝,让沁芝show up for herself。似乎相当管用。可以确定的是,能够有这个staycay的机会不是偶然。所以特别珍惜。

时不时,mommy看到有趣的鼓励性的字句,就把它抄写下来,装进沁芝的书柜,让她发掘。可能有一天,她看了会有不一样的联想和启发。

就像我会把字句藏在沁芝的书柜一样。沁芝也把可爱的画画装进我的皮夹。她依然是期待长发的。

宝贝,要记得,你原来就是这样的光亮。

就是这样的光和亮。

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10 Years

10岁应该是新的开始吧。

全新的篇章,翻开新的一页那样。

亲爱的,新的开始,开始————多么好。有这个机会,多么好!请你一定要好好把握,好好珍惜。

未来如何,就看你的开创。

所以mommy最近把激励人鼓动人的字句写下来,想到自己以前也是靠着文字的力量转化自己,可能你也会从中获得灵感。从中汲取力量。让你稳固起来。

所以mommy特地给你做了一张卡片,里面有彩虹🌈,但愿前面的每一天,都有一道彩虹。A rainbow in your wait!

皓皓也准备了礼物。皓皓一早就说,要用自己的储蓄给姐姐买礼物。还制作了卡片,然后细心把礼物排在房间的一角,让姐姐早上起来“发现”。

沁芝早上睡醒,马上拆开礼物

还有mommy的卡片

还有阿妹阿姨买的礼物

沁芝生日这一天,正逢农历十五。大家一起到四川豆花饭庄用餐。Linda auntie准备的好菜。当然还有蛋糕!

2月份,有许多是关于新年的。比如新年穿旗袍这件事。除夕这天,舅舅没有上班,带着沁芝皓皓去run errands,吃麦当劳。

接着接着公公家,准备吃年夜饭。不过先得动手帮忙!小时候不知道,年夜饭多么珍贵。大了,尤其这一年,更是能够领略年夜饭————能够坐上这桌子,就真的真的应该庆祝。狂喜,感恩。

捞鱼生是小瓜最喜欢的。今年沁芝皓皓看着米其林指南的捞鱼生视频,也学习了捞鱼生的时候该说的祝语。所以今年的鱼生是沁芝帮忙准备的。

沁芝画的,后来给了阿姨,让阿姨挂在墙壁上。这是阿姨去纽约的时候买的睡衣,沁芝穿起来,好高挑!大年初一的早上,换上新的衣裳。mommy和你、姐姐分享了过年要一身新衣新鞋的意义————去旧迎新。

让沁芝皓皓拜年,今年小瓜似模似样,羞涩地说了吉祥话,然后把柑握在手上。怎么都好,沁芝能这样,真的好感激了。阿姨给的红包是爱马仕的小猪,太可爱了!

过了一周,是结算红包钱的时候!

因为看youtube视频,一直想做slime,daddy终于买了所需材料。两人玩的不亦乐乎!

8日这一天,带沁芝去见John,他有这样的说法,沁芝一直在内化大人的世界,想东西想到尽,所以脑中许多活动。他说如果能够按照他的说法,去执行,给自己一个月的时间,然后调整和减少用药。不然长期下去,对沁芝真的不好。

John说,沁芝是Super sensitive child, a lot of things she is internalising

-princess, so cultivate the princess in her n she will shine

-weak heart

-athletic and sports will help her

-absolutely no dairy or skin n digestion is bad

1)AM

60ml NXR + banana + honey + ground super B into powder 1 capsule + 0.5ml Mineral essence + ½ scoop slique shake

2)PM before or after dinner

60ml NXR + banana + honey + ground super B into powder 1 capsule + 0.5ml Mineral essence + ½ scoop slique shake + Life 9

3)Shower head to toe with 3 ml each of

-Joy

-Northern Light Black Spruce

Alternate 

4)DOME every night for 15min— 3min on 3 min off

5ml Valor II + 5ml Cistus + 5ml lavender + Rose 3 drops

5) Raindrop every nite

Use dome blend + Northern Light Black Spruce + Joy + White Angelica 

Others:

-einkorn flakes

-Slique shake- non GMO

-organic chocolate drink

-fermented stuff works well -miso

-For peace: Paint with harmony; diffuse harmony

-cultivate ourselves

-treatment x 5

他说,要给沁芝peace,我们做父母的首先要有peace

跟着他的提议做,沁芝早上的状况好转许多,给我带来莫大的鼓励。看到沁芝回复神采,眼里的光回来。知道这得来不易。这个月来的努力,是跟沁芝沟通,多多照顾沁芝的情绪,尝试从沁芝的角度想,看世界。看到沁芝逐渐变得开怀开朗,说的话多了,开始知道当父母的责任、乐趣、困难。

学会对自己宽容,也学会体谅父母。

沁芝生日的前一天,mommy觉得心情的起伏特别的大。说不出为什么。但是情感上特别脆弱。想到沁芝,还有这一些日子以来的点滴。就像跟沁芝说,感谢有这个机会,翻开新的一页,我要感谢拥有这个机会,庆祝沁芝。

庆祝的不只是生日,庆祝沁芝这个灵魂,这个个体,庆祝怀沁芝,庆祝生沁芝,庆祝养沁芝,庆祝以前的不懂事不懂得,庆祝现在懂得多一点。

除了感谢还是感谢。

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9 Years 11 Months

沁芝9岁11个月的今天,我们尝试了许多新的事。我们带沁芝去看Auntie Chelsea Chew。她听沁芝说话,沁芝相当喜欢她,然后教了沁芝几种方式,可以减少stone的发生。

Auntie Chelsea说,沁芝可以尝试理清心里的想法和感受,比如说,现在是什么感觉,可能沁芝也不太清楚。第二件事,就是把想要的说出来。第三件事就是Happy Again!

不知不觉,我们就这样,跟着沁芝的步伐,生活、呼吸、思考、欢笑……学习。学习了许多。学习许多的是谦卑。

昨天去游泳,在地上捡到了$10,沁芝告诉了爸爸,然后我们捡起来。捡起来后爸爸说,可以用来帮助有需要的人,然后我们游泳过后去小贩中心吃晚餐时,看到收腕盘的auntie就把钱给了她。

诸如此类。因为沁芝,我们开始学习生活,珍惜生活,思考生活,尝试用另一方式去生活。

我们尝试了许多新的事!比如动手做饼干!

比如走路上学。

比如搭巴士上学。

这一天,我们去了沁芝的学校。沁芝为了我们,特地牺牲recess吃饭的时间,帮助老师布置课室!

今天我们也做了一件新的事情。那就是带沁芝皓皓去拜祭祖先。看到妈妈,看到祖先,忍不住就感动了。沁芝在旁边,也哭了。

洗澡时问沁芝,怎么了?是不是mommy哭了,沁芝也感动了?沁芝太可以感同身受了。太emphathetic了。就是能够明了别人的心。沁芝的心好美。

今天另一件新的事,就是带沁芝去买过年的衣服。以前都是妈妈买,看到喜欢、适合的就买,但是今天不一样。带着沁芝去买。让沁芝选择。

而且买了一件第一眼看下去,就很喜欢的衣服。以前可能会顾虑价钱,现在不一样。只是想着沁芝穿上去————一定很美。不会想着多贵。把应当打扮得漂漂亮亮的女生那样子打扮得漂漂亮亮。开心的是——沁芝也喜欢这件衣服!

这是阿妹阿姨送的礼物,是沁芝皓皓之前画给杂志的图片。阿姨特地去襄起来。

只是,沁芝不知不觉吃药也吃了一个月。

总是在每天睡醒之后的大约1个小时内。可能是刷牙的时候、吃早点或穿袜子的时候。换衣的时候。最近也发现。沁芝想表达,但似乎找不到适当的方式。沁芝就会手踢脚踢,很辛苦的感觉。看到宝贝这样,我一直在看一直在陪伴,一直在想,可以怎么帮助她?是默默念诵观世音菩萨,还是拥抱,或者只是给她空间?给她时间?可能就是最后这个。我只是这样让沁芝去表达。

每天总是生活在期待和害怕当中。期待新的一天,新的一天,新的开始新的希望,希望有新的机会,帮助沁芝突破。帮助自己突破。

mommy去阅读了许多,尝试寻找各种可以帮忙的方法。比如bach healing,比如freeze discharge。这些资料都给我带来希望,可以帮助沁芝不只是靠药物。

每天总是在挂念———不知道沁芝这一天会如何?

我就过一天是一天。以小步看、做判断。

以前可能看很远,很有计划、雄心壮志。现在,学习谦卑。

记得desmond chang跟我说,生命的每一个发生都是一个恩赐。一个恩典。

我很能够体认。

于是还是感激。

只要好好把握,一定能扭转,甚至把情况弄的比过去好。

上网搜索,看到rewiring the brain。

我们因为一直重复,所以深化了一些身体心里的程序。但是如果我能能够创造新的方程式,大脑就会产生新的链接。

绝对可以突破。让情况变得更好。

Bach Healing有一段文字——身心不协调不和睦造成疾病。只要把这不协调不和睦平复,就可以解决病症。需要的是用精神的力量去平复。

我发现沁芝让我有许多机会去探索和学习。去建立去在生命的拥有和基础上去创作。去改造去改革。去圆满。

这是非常非常好的机会。所以我会自行进取。

这一天是皓皓的农历生日,沁芝第一周上学做了卡片就要送皓皓。而且是黄色的卡片,想着要做popupcards。早上听说是皓皓的农历生日,马上把卡片拿出来。

到皓皓睡醒,告诉他。听了很感动。二话不说,去找了黄色的纸张,然后画了很多个心,还有mommy说的pinky love。

告诉皓皓,想到姐姐就发送粉红色的爱给姐姐。

他就这样画了出来。

还写了沁芝的名字,说谢谢。

我觉得这两个是多么了不起的孩子啊。

下午沁芝来电,把皓皓看到沁芝的卡片后感动得马上也制作卡片这事说给沁芝听。

皓皓生日这天,我们一块吃面线。婆婆特地来煮的。超好吃!

两个小瓜就这样。又爱彼此,又会闹着。沁芝告诉auntie chelsea说,最怕皓皓了,因为皓皓总是让她招架不住。但是沁芝又这么爱护皓皓。于是把自己搞得内伤了。

亲爱的宝贝,祝福你,突破。每天一点,每天都有新的突破。你可以。完全可以。祝福你健康、平安、喜乐。这是mommy放在公司电脑里的照片,每天开电脑就先看看你。努力让你回来。

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Understanding This

我还是有许多的不明白和不知所措。

12月31日,整理blog,发现了沁芝的许多——沁芝曾经是那么的宝贝。怎么事情会变成这样?就因为长大了吗?

以前的几乎每一个blog entry,都是写给沁芝的。有了沁芝以后,我什么都告诉她。就像是我内心的朋友,什么都要跟沁芝说。包括自己最不堪不安的一面,都要老实禀报。我的喜怒哀乐。我的痛苦挑战。blog里头有生命最甜美的小事,也有和daddy意见不合的投诉种种。全部都让沁芝知道。

比如我说过这样的话——早在2011年,我说深深向沁芝鞠躬,因为mommy没有为沁芝的到来做好心理准备,心里的不安也许让沁芝难过了。小时候不在有mommy的情况下成长,所以也觉得沁芝没有mommy在身边也是可以应付的。

我写说:“我要教导沁芝,乐观、坚强、勇敢。我必须先乐观坚强勇敢。”

然后呢?每天的每天当中,失去了对这些承诺的把握。慢慢的,失去了自己的想法执着。割舍掉和沁芝的时间。我看到了我的自私, 我重视自己多于选择为沁芝好的选择。比如我选择工作,由姨姨婆婆照顾沁芝。我可以理解,这是因为我自己的童年使然。我的童年在奶妈家,没有妈妈的日子里成长,不晓得有妈妈的样子。沁芝就是在教我,唤醒我的这一点。w

我看到我写,“Dear Qinzhi,Do not forget how special u r. When u were as young as 26 mths n attended kindermusik , u were always non conforming like other children. You would not sit with mummy or daddy whilst other children did. You always had a mind of your mind. Bravely go for what you want. What do you want? Remember not to give those up easily, because you r so so special.”

但是现在的沁芝总是被割舍。有了皓皓以后,投入工作以后,一点一点割舍给她的时间和空间————于是她也学习到割舍掉自己。

2010年我生日,“今年最好的一份礼物就是沁芝叫:“妈妈”。ah hui阿姨说,沁芝前一天才会叫的。

昨天看着一张张沁芝的照片,很甜美,很甜美。看着,总是感动。我问自己,要如何守护这个家?让它像是沁芝的笑这么幸福?
这么甜美?这么美好?
让沁芝安心、稳定?还是必须从发自内心的宁静开始。要让沁芝在最健康的环境下成长、欢笑?大人内心必须先健康、安宁。

但是我只说却做不够。

另一天我写————“今天沁芝看着mummy,凑过来,时而把脸凑过来贴近我的脸,双手绕过mummy的颈项抱抱、亲亲。谢谢你,我的宝贝。”

真相就是这样。尽管沁芝给我带来那么多,我给的还是不够。这一年来,沁芝每天都写我爱你的纸条和卡片—Mommy I Love You。非常非常非常非常渴望得到我的注意和疼爱。我都没有听到她的声音。

这是一件连我自己也不太明白的事情。写给沁芝的点滴,感情都那么的真实动人。但为什么我还是不够爱沁芝呢?就因为沁芝来的太突然吗?还是还有什么其他的原因啊?有什么其他我还不明白的?和我自己和母亲怀我的时候有关吗?妈妈懂我吗?听到我吗?

拉开记忆。我自己小时候和妈妈和记忆是空白的。我唯一想到的是,孩子都是模仿的动物,所以我我们都会用所知的那一套去运用于生活。我妈妈是这样在爱我对吧?

——————也是把我放在奶妈家。我没有留长发。没有各种如同其他女孩那样,飘逸多彩的裙子、花俏的链子耳环。都是简朴的。

那是我妈妈的做法和风格。可能也取决于当时的生活条件,我可以明白那是她为了工作养活我们,于是承继下来。毫无疑问没有思考地承继下来。然后有了沁芝之后也以我所知的那样去重复。

小时候的我也喜欢留长发的,也喜欢其他小女生那样恨女生的发饰、裙子、包包。但没有也不觉得没什么大不了。但是沁芝不一样。沁芝就是让我知道,她和我不一样,我不能让、要求别人跟我一样,必须去照顾别人的想法和感受。必须这样自己突破。

现在长大了可以理解当时生活不容易,但我不存在于妈妈的年代,我其实是完全有能力放弃工作照顾孩子的。只是我没有那么选择。没有那么选择也不是错,只是要如何在这当中,继续爱护守护沁芝。给她空间去诠释、开拓自己。

回头看这一切,非常明了大局、前因如何把我们推向这样的后果。我就是这样一步步毫无怀疑地走向这里的。因为历史、因为过去、因为一切的一切滚动推力。

但是我也看到我们可以做很多事。才不至于让女儿重复我们。我看到我们可以一起用一家人的力量整顿生命,非常宝贵的生命。去改变我们习以为常、根深蒂固的态度做法。

这件事要我们做的,真真切切就是去uproot已经不受用、不能够serve我们的逻辑系统。一家人去创造新的可能性、新的途径。

这几天一直处在担忧、害怕当中。我可以做的,就是学习面对,去完全接受。如同仁波切说的那样————尝试与它做朋友。然后依循着这件事去观察、探索、去改变,去转化,创造新的条例和秩序。帮助我自己,也帮助我们一家人。

如同老师所说,就是要先康复自己。觉知一切,突破一切,取得崭新的视角,去创造新的局面和可能性。这是一次破裂和深刻的重塑、再造机会。尝试各种以前没有尝试的,去试探去探索。有许多的可能性。

我想我可以。一步一步。跟着直觉,内心。

May the divine and my guardian angels, support me greatly and guide me each and every step of the way. May we all receive healing and love, May the creative spark be always with me to intuitively create new possibilities and a new tender loving energy. For myself, my kids, my family and the world.

And one more thing———–Be happy! Because all this, life, is so precious.

0

Healing XXXXXv

Teacher specially made time for me even if it were a last minute call to him. And I understood why. I cannot say how miraculous it was but he told me it was because he had been through my path.

His daughter suffered from epilepsy at 4, he quit his job and went on to discover for himself all sorts of healing methods he could apply for his precious one. He says, “My daughter is my teacher and the reason why I m here today. In this healing practice, because as I worked on her, i discovered and began to work this on more people. She had a big attack at age 4, then alls good for one year. Then another one one year later, then it became more frequent. But the medication had a lot of side effects so i took a bolder way, she did not use medications, but by age 8 she was doing well and now she’s recovered.”

Wow.

I have seen him for 55 sessions, is that the reason why I have been seeing him.

Like a bigger hand that has a plan and is guiding me to it? Or, was I the planner——-How did everything get its place? How did i come to this position, or how did my family members and love ones find theirs in the now?

We approach not knowing.

I told teacher about Qinzhi’s seizure, and the big one she had on 27th December when we were holidaying. She woke up really angry and having mood swings. I handed her ningxia red and got her to drink, and she got really sore and let out, “why every morning like that?”

We asked her about this. Like what? we probed. Her brother was clearer, “Mommy, you always ask us what we want, but in the end, you gave us what you want.” But Qinzhi chose to keep quiet. She didn’t say or couldn’t say. She was struggling emotionally and she could not handle and the big seizure happened. I find her at the toilet dazed and not responding. We carried her to the bed. She vomitted out all the things she drank and remained to have impaired awareness not responding to us. Her dad cried and she could still wipe a tear off his face. But still remains in her world. I did not find this right and he carried her down and we drove sent her to the nearest hospital 20 min away. In the car, we kept rubbing her toes and talking to her, i sprayed mist on her and she responded, her hair fell and she responded. But she just did not say.

Did not say anything. Pinched her and got her round, she said ouch and gradually came to. But was afraid knowing we are sending her to hospital.

I told teacher about all this.

I told teacher Qinzhi was what Daddy and myself had after a 10 year relationship , after mom, uncle, his mom, passed away all in a very dramatic way. Through those years, we were together learning to patch our life back using what little mindfulness we had, we fumbled and made our way—on hindsight, really with blessings from above. Then we applied and got our house, and planned for marriage, that was when we discovered we had Qinzhi, after a korea trip —-some 5 months before before the day we were suppose to get married.

With a marriage certificate.

I was fixated on steps. I was educated to. You had to do this before you do that. You had to follow this and definitely DO something before you could arrive at that.

You had to get a marriage certificate before you are legally married and have a baby.

It was societal. If you did not follow, you were sort of the lesser crowd. AT that time. Also my tribe was big, my extended family was a big one and everyone was about getting things right. If not it was frowned upon and discussed on the side. If not, you risk the criticism and disfavour of grandmother.

It was like that.

And I had been a good student obeying all the rules all the while.

Only this time.

Yet Qinzhi is letting me discover the wonder of joy and magic in life. Of a blossoming. Of all the little and big things in life. Qinzhi led me on to wonders after wonders, morphing me into completeness along the way.

Now i look back, it was after giving birth to Qinzhi, that i started my healing journey. I blossomed I morphed.

But i was not able to cross that point when i conceived, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, i didnt knew how to take this news, Mom was already not here then. It was my nanny who knew first and started cooking for me.

Teacher listened and said, “So now can you already accept this?”

I honestly still feel that I have not resolved this, logically it looks really silly how these norms and watertight rules should override the precious magic of life. Silly, laughable, ignorance.

But truly i was under the spell of this.

And now I m writing, perhaps this was my way of rejecting or refusing and rebutting of those “norms” I was subconsciously not agreeable to. I wanted to challenge those. So I went against the tide having Qinzhi.

Teacher says, “Qinzhi can feel all this. Being not welcomed enough. For beings who feel this way, they become closed up in their own system and their own world. Like a defence mechanism.”

I asked what I can do about this.

Strangely I been having this feeling about reading my blog to her. When I discovered my pregnancy.

Teacher suggested this method called metamorphosis. Its putting your hands into a butterfly shape, recounting the time i was pregnant and moving and working with the pulsations at the points the fingers connected. Working on this for 10 days, 1 day represents one month.

Very nicely, he says that I can let him know when i start so he can support me.

I told him, Qinzhi has been a guiding teacher in my life. She kickstarted me to adulthood and my learning journey as a person. When I had panic attacks, and had to bring her to the music lessons, it was her hand that held on to mine to give me energy. But now, her hands are cold and limp. Her hands were always warm and full of energy. But in return for giving, we scolded her badly.

We gave her what she didnt want. We gave her what we want. We did not listen to her. We did not hear. We did not take heed and take care of her. We could not appreciate her heart and the voice there. We did not respond to her. Her pleas or her refusals to follow us. She just continued to take that. We did not see her at all. And now in her seizures she doesn’t listen or respond to us.

And I know realise this LACK OF RESPONSE IS HER LOUDEST RESPONSE.

Teacher explained Qinzhi’s epilepsy to me, “because she said and you did not take heed, you did not hear. So Qinzhi has chosen this path to make you listen.”

“She has chosen this pathway to subject herself to this to make you sit up and listen. You can not ignore this or subject her to hurt anymore. Help her find her light and become the light and wonder she wants. Not what you want.”

Teacher also cautioned us on a few things. That when the seizure happened, adults are in shock too.

“And so we need to take cake of this as well. When adults are worried about the next attack—-you portray and create an energy field and more often then not, it leads to the subsequent attacks.”

“We have to be very mindful about this and there are things we can do.”

“Turning eyeballs. Rightwards 3 times and leftwards many times. Rightwards you times, imagine yourself in a time machine, and pushing a button gets you back in time to the time the seizure happens. When you are there, the eyeballs go leftwards. To release the energy of the incident.

Be creative about this. You can change things by changing or breaking the energy pattern in the fifth dimension. Now that you are in a safe position and turning your eyeballs leftwards, you can see clearly the situation then. How would you react? Visualise and use your imagination. Would you react the same way? Or would you give Qinzhi a gentle hug? You will see her eyes shine. Or if your husband and son is there, all of you can hug her. Doing this is creating a new pattern a new energy and this will impact the energy now and here.”

ReWRITING. ReWIRING.ReBOOTING.

There is a lot of comfort you find in —-being able to address something which has passed. Like the least and at the same time the most you can do.

Teacher also taught about the helpfulness on massaging the spine to remove blockages in there which could affect clarity and our nervous system.

Teacher also cautioned us that we should not quarrel in front of kids because they do not know how to handle and process. “Like Qinzhi says, when she’s going to have seizure she feels like she cannot handle it. Kids cannot handle. So you and and your husband has to have a contract, how do you handle or manage differences? You have to sort that out. But NO—not infront of kids.”

“For every child, he or she looks for a nurturing mother and a protective father. When you had panic attacks, you had to be away, Qinzhi has to find protection in her father too to establish close relationships with you, and subsequently this will affect her as she starts to establish her relationship with the world.”

He also encourages us to look deep within —-in fact the first step would be exploring and putting in place and moulding our relationship as husband and wife, to achieve to sense of deeper bonding and understanding, a better cohesion of our relationship and changing things from within before we can address and make changes to our relationship with Qinzhi.

I told Teacher that I was trying to digest this along the way.

That day in Tasmania, it was winter solstice. That day i saw a FB post on one of my friend’s page and it read—-Read that Winter Solstice is a reminder to let everything go and begin again. Not just on 22 Dec but on any given day, any given moment. Winter Solstice is both the darkest day and the return of light. It is when things are darkest that light is about to return. It is the deepest part of night that the new day begins.

How poetic how right. No wonder the old folks always say, winter solstice is like the new year and we have the tradition of eating tangyuan or circle shaped dumplings on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Everyday in Tasmania, we drove past majestic mountains and land masses which opened up to the sun. That winter solstice day in Tasmania, as the kids slept in the car, I looked at the sheer vastness, the mountains the trees the openness and the tears just flow.

Life is so big.

The understanding is a bit different now. Its not that of having to succumb but that of reverence, respect and a humbling that comes with this new understanding of life that sent these tears of appreciation. It’s realisation and perception, a very powerful one. Seeing this allows you to put alot of things in pespective and to trust the process. Its not letting go but trusting the work and the underlying hand. And that’s when we can rest with the flow, ride with it and COCREATE.

I also thought about transformation. And using this as an opportunity to change and alter deep seated arrangements and practices, melting away things thoughts attitudes feelings emotions ways of life that do not work anymore.

Seeing this is amazing, its the practice that Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche has put in place these few years.

I also see the transient nature of life. In our last session, I remember telling Teacher that we can prepare for certain things. But apparently, not at much as we would like to.

I have never felt life so precious in a long while. Or appreciate its fleeting nature so greatly. The last was probably mom’s, uncle’s, auntie’s death as it loomed.

We forgot about appreciating the idea of impermanence in life, even if it was so true so real.

And I shared with Teacher that I also see this as a blossom or a ripening of sorts. That when conditions are present, or ripe, a fruit and flower blossoms. And learning to embrace this and letting down our preconceived notions about what should or should not why this and why not.

More importantly, the change has to come from within. He says, “For Qinzhi who is closed up, how do you breakthrough that? You have to address the close systems within you, you have to open up and change within yourself your old ways, so that she can see this happening to you to inspire her change and transformation.”

Teacher also shared about sharing important information with kids when they are most relaxed. That is when you are about to drift into sleep and the subconscious mind comes up to receive information. Understanding this can let us better use this precious time to transmit and send information to our kids.

“Look at this positively, and you can use this opportunity to transform.”

I asked Teacher how do i say goodbye to 2018?

He thought for a while, “by letting everything go back to Mother Earth, this grounding sense of energy, and renewing with her in her presence. When you let go, there is renewing of energy.”

And welcoming the new 2019?

“Welcoming Qinzhi back into your life and welcoming 2019 can be in tandem. If I were you, I will give her a big hug and say to her, how how how precious she is to you and the family.”

I told Teacher, if this is the time I should stop my work and come back to my family, it seemed to be the thing to do, to make myself feel better. But i also thought i want to put up a fight for this, to continue my work but adjust my time so that i show up for my kids at home when they are back from school. Teacher ‘s advice is, “Your work is your life, its how you concrete and gets inspired by life and inspire. I certainly do not see that quitting is the appropriate thing to do. But SURELY, showing up and listening to your kids and seeing who they are and changing within you to break down old systems and modes.”

I cannot say how powerful this teaching —-this teaching of life is. The work i have done in my professional field has been preparing for me to address my own. When i offer myself to the interview, to the newsmaker, to the chefs, i listen intently and with all of my heart. And I find out their light and put it in videos.

But I haven’t really offered my presence to my Qinzhi, the one who has taught me so much and kickstarted my healing journey to understanding life.

How can my works be sincere if I do not show up for Qinzhi and listen to her being.

And all these healing sessions, these 55 sessions of them, is truly powerful because I unlocked so much and found so many messages that gave me deep insightful understanding of how life works.

Most of all, teacher taught me about listening and offering his presence to me. Or to my soul development. And I think this is truly truly valuable truly precious. He taught by way of example. And I m very inspired to take the cue and do this for my Qinzhi.

To myself and my life, to truly listen to voices and let it shine.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

0

Healing XXXXXiv

The opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to say out voices from the heart. 

Not only mine but also my interviewees. It’s finding my own voice and then finding out others because life is resonance.

I only figured it out after I have been in media for like 19 years.

To which Teacher says, “ this is the gift from your mother”.

I was confused.

It was hard to swallow. I know we complete others and ourselves.

But knowing it now, it feels like in a movie of sorts and you now know the truth —— which you have been in all this while, living this truth while not knowing it.

Like all planned for by Mom or a bigger hand but . But no.

Because any point in time, I would have turned out any other way. But I did not.

“You expressed what your mother did not. Maybe she was really like you too but she couldn’t find her voice nor say it out. You did it for her.

This is healing.”

More than anything , it was teacher’s sense of accomplishment that let me realize how good this is

I thought of my daughter. When bf is ride to me, I would habitually take it down, like my mother would. But Qinzhi would bite back to defend me.

Teacher said, “honor her. This needs to be.”

I specially went to see teacher before I left. I wanted a roundup of sorts.

My classmate had passed away. And when I heard the news, I felt like I knew that feeling I felt. 

I was frozen like how I felt when mom, uncle auntie, passed away. People I knew seemed to go suddenly.

The difference was—— I knew I m frozen.

The awareness like Tsoknyi Rinpoche says—- about the imprints that are left in our lives, is good to help me breakthrough.

Those few days I felt like there was a lot going on in the subconscious body. Lots of things popping up. Unsteady feelings, fear negativity…,

I told teacher —— there is no more once one is dead.

He reminded me about how we discussed the soul moving on for betterment. The journey continues at the soul level.

I knew this. I told teacher I knew. Because with India with Khadro-la, I experienced the length of time. And you just knew. 

But more than not, we would use our mundane humane consciousness to understand it at our level.

Of this journeying of the soul, He says,“ it is about going home. Or going to where we came from. We r light bodies and for some reasons, we fell from that state and become what we are. And everything we do has no right or wrong but is our way of navigating towards the way back—- to the style light beings.”

I was rather fascinated by this theory. I haven’t thought through yet but it seems to hold some promise.

I said that even if I knew the soul continues a journey after a lifetime , we would use our limited knowledge and wisdom to understand death. Even if deep down we knew the soul progresses , it’s not the same to embrace this.

Teacher asked me why I m so affected by my classmate ‘s passing. He stresses that each time we talk abt smtg, the emphasis is on why this something hit us, rather than the story itself.

I said it is because of its suddenness. The realness or reality about life is how subtle it can be and I have seen it go so easily more than once. 

So many locked up emotions in me. And until I said my goodbye to my friend, did I feel better.

But the way this affected me—- was a little bit more —- like waking me up to say- hey it’s time to get serious.

No more pushing away or closing an eye.

I said that of course we could try n cushion this , like preparing or allocating resources doing a will so that when it stops somewhere, there is at least little things that people can hang on to 

But as I was saying this—- no, life really can slip away to nothingness.

I guess it is a sense of control you are losing and understanding that from the outset like you can not control birth, neither do you have a handle over death

Smtg bigger than yourself you have no way over and learning to see that no matter how you have tried to master , you go with the flow

It also is about appreciating life and making the best out of this opportunity 

Which begs the question—- what is the meaning or purpose of life? 

I told teacher life is precious because of the life it brings. Such such precious opportunity.

I have read that it takes a lot to become a human and now we have. We HAVE!

We CAN do things we CAN contribute we CAN change the world we CAN do so so so many things 

Life is so big it’s humbling

We are so small yet we CAN change n make things better

The big n little of it——— is just unfathomable and amazing

I told teacher my understanding of life is that we are given an opportunity to right wrongs or pursue yet again smtg we could do better. Like when I gave birth to my second child, did all the things I did not do right or the way I liked

I said I like to interpret it once more. And the practice all these years———would be for me—— to learn to speak out (I rem I was a reporter and I didn’t dare ask qns in the beginning) it was learning to find my voice and acknowledge its importance

Then I did not dare to ask questions I was quiet n timid

I did not feel like my question mattered 

Then it was writing food reviews and questioning if my opinions mattered

then it became learning to express or speak the truth, confronting my father and myself 

and then afterwards———-learning to speak with heart and from the heart.

To tell a real story that reflects another’s life another’s heart and soul

Each time I could find a way out on my own, I could go to the next level and I saw it in my work

It matters to me a great deal. And in the process I get to work with my inner self too. And gets pushed in the direction to look in-depth within me

Coincidentally a few days later I had the chance to visit saint pierre n once I sat down I saw a note from chef —— that says out everything I prob need to say.

“creating food to b enjoyed savoured and loved has been my calling. Finding the path to remain grounded and true to my mission has been my quest. My training is deeply seated in the flawless flow of harmonious energy which has inculcated in me an intuitive acknowledgement that our surrounding karma is the resultant action of our own making…..”

And ends with “ from my heart to your table”

I could almost change it to become

“From my heart to your iPhone” now that people consume the videos I make on iphones 

Shared this with teacher and he says, “ why are you touched?”

I say “The short note the chef puts on the table haha is like summarizing what I did!”

For me.

All these years, the people I met the stories I do tend to say out for me my values my emotions my heart my life

Like a mirror 

Like an echo from my heart which found a way back to me

Before I left, teacher encouraged me to celebrate myself and my achievements. To honour myself

“It is v important to honour the things you have done. You have been one of the very few who has have the awareness to work within and with yourself to achieve breakthroughs. And you manifest these in your life. 

Your stories touch always and that is the your style. I look at them when you share them with me. “

And the best he says is he wanted to share them further.

This is great support and encouragement to me. Coming from teacher. He probably saw that I need the affirmation.

在四季酒店的spa。服务员介绍设施的时候说,某个水疗的设施对于颈部疼痛有帮助。

于是就在那里,用水洗涤身体不小心收下的酸痛。

I try to work with myself whenever I have the chance 

想到害怕。妈妈去世的时候,躺在病床上,我好像都没有跟她说什么。我问自己,就像每次老师会问我那样——如果回到那一刻,你会对妈妈说什么?

直觉告诉我,我会说—-你怎么都不好好照顾自己?怎么老是把自己放在最后?

然后想到——我也是。不管是在家里公司,说话的时候,总是先想到别人,自己排后头。

可能这就是我的功课。我看看沁芝,也是这样——不断礼让弟弟,自己的情绪在最后。

要学!

而且是从内而外烁的。什么是照顾自己?

除了食衣住行,还有就是不断修补康复自己。

我回忆起外公公公、外婆、舅舅、姨妈、妈妈、ah kiat去世时的突然,尝试和那些惊悚的片刻交流。

知道生命是这样,也不是。

所以不用被这些套牢,可以释放。可以呼吸。I tried to breathe to let go off the trauma. And to acknowledge it

我记得自己如何努力用力活在妈妈的期待之下。然后看到沁芝。

她在努力以及不想努力当中。俨然一面镜子。照见我。难怪我也在半推半就之下。

我意识到,即便我什么都不做我还是妈妈的女儿。沁芝也是。

沁芝不是什么或者得做什么才是我女儿。看到这点很重要,好像突然之中有什么释放了

I have been living up to my mother’s expectations and did way beyond but it doesn’t mean anytime me even if I have excelled

But when I write a good story I know

That is the satisfaction,  nourishment.

I want to stop that old me and spend energy with the latter to say out voices from the heart

Real raw voices that has been really experienced but only had a place in the heart

But it shouldn’t just be 

A lot of voices can find resonance and an echo

Life is so big there’s space for these voices

They needn’t be kept down 

And I know that Qinzhi will have a similar love of her life that does not require my expectations 

She should be free from it from me and the sooner the better

She has to fly and fly I did 

That day I interviewed a young three star chef, I was touched. 

He had been the second in command but now he’s got three stars. He seems too young for his claim to fame and he has not displayed convincing enough stature a chef would have. He says he isn’t afraid of difficulty. 

Because he now has an opportunity and he just wants to make the best he can out of it.

So he is not afraid of challenge nor difficulty. I was touched and I knew why.

Because I m like this too.

When the door opened for me here, I displayed this mentality whether it was as little as an interview, a video project or something as big as sales.

So I was really touched. Instantly I realized and I acknowledged myself then.

Looking back, I begin to understand how this all come into place and how everything is starting to make sense. 

It was humbling and really enlightening.

But, I came back from my work trip to find Qinzhi n Huaihao at the airport waiting for me 

Then daddy told me the news

Qinzhi has a seizure last Sunday and was sent to hospital. She was having dinner and she stared into space and is not exactly reactive for ten plus minutes

After an EEG the hospital found spikes in her left brain and suggested an mri

I was weak from listening to this but I quickly asked for an appointment to the specialist and got it at 9am the next day

I went into the mri scan with Qinzhi n waited 

At 2pm the doctor called to say it looks like the mri is clear 

But because she had another seizure this morning, this is considered epilepsy 

Qinzhi has to b put on medication for 2 years to suppress the seizure n to let the wiring get better

I did not know how to take this

I was extremely relieved to hear the scan didn’t show anything but this is a lifetime of work to do with zhi

I looked back at the last message she sent me and after replying her I asked if she did work 

When I saw that I was so angry with myself—-is that all I can ask of her?

When I cleared things in my store I saw her write 沁芝♡妈妈。

I haven’t listened all this while

I did not hear her at all

I was oblivious to Qinzhi when she needed me. I didn’t know how to love her as a mother.

This is so torturous 

I did not think about how she felt at all

I didn’t care at all 

Daddy asked Qinzhi if she wants to keep her hair long

Qinzhi says,” mommy says I got to pass my exam”

I felt so guilty

Like how my mother’s word meant to me.

I said smtg that I do not mean totally but became the decreed for Qinzhi this that stuffed her tortured her 

But I got so fearful thinking that I may lose her or if anything happened to her 

Daddy cried so hard-he said he felt soo for Qinzhi because if his mother was around there would be someone to love her.

But I said, it’s not true. Hui n gor love her more than themselves.

He asked,”were we too harsh on Qinzhi? “

Yes I said. We did not know how to love her

I did not 

Qinzhi came earlier than expected 

I was five months pregnant when I got married 

Maybe subconsciously I did not accept this well. So Qinzhi was always feeling inconfident and unwanted

She was always not at the centre while her brother was

And she always subjected herself to the sides

I thought about how I scolded her during the exams.

“Don’t you know how to do this?”

“Qinzhi why are you doing this to me? “

We brought Huaihao to the Chinese doctor and I was pushing her to do maths all the way

I front of other people in public 

I did not consider how she felt at all

I hurt her so much and she couldn’t have an answer 

She loves me so so much but I only questioned her this way——to a 9 year old

I imagine her at a total loss blaming herself 

She couldn’t take it

Yongjuan says’ “Maybe her mind wanted to shut down from something external .  Too stressful , she wanna run away”

Maybe medically they call it epilepsy but this was really really due to the stress caused by the exams and me

Each time she didn’t know how to work on her math she just stood still 

This time it got serious 

I feel so regretful 

Although the doctor says this has nothing to do with stress but I feel like 

I single handledly caused this. Qinzhi was such a happy child just last week or a few days earlier and now she’s been having two seizures and we do not know when is the next

And when I see other kids who r normal and do not have to take medication, my heart has so much pain and regret

I brought this upon my daughter, I want my healthy happy daughter back

And I m going to do all I can to bring her health and happiness back

I m going to channel all my energy to healing her and bringing her back to balance

Both daddy and I talked about this

And we really want to change as a family 

To cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and to open Qinzhi up 

Qinzhi has too many things on her mind in her heart and she doesn’t say it out

Sorry doesn’t amount to any effect but I want to seek Qinzhi’s forgiveness and from myself and daddy 

Qinzhi does not have a voice,  the opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to find and acknowledge my own, then helping others to voice out their heart, and now its about helping Qinzhi find and say out her voice from the heart.