The opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to say out voices from the heart.
Not only mine but also my interviewees. It’s finding my own voice and then finding out others because life is resonance.
I only figured it out after I have been in media for like 19 years.
To which Teacher says, “ this is the gift from your mother”.
I was confused.
It was hard to swallow. I know we complete others and ourselves.
But knowing it now, it feels like in a movie of sorts and you now know the truth —— which you have been in all this while, living this truth while not knowing it.
Like all planned for by Mom or a bigger hand but . But no.
Because any point in time, I would have turned out any other way. But I did not.
“You expressed what your mother did not. Maybe she was really like you too but she couldn’t find her voice nor say it out. You did it for her.
This is healing.”
More than anything , it was teacher’s sense of accomplishment that let me realize how good this is
I thought of my daughter. When bf is ride to me, I would habitually take it down, like my mother would. But Qinzhi would bite back to defend me.
Teacher said, “honor her. This needs to be.”
I specially went to see teacher before I left. I wanted a roundup of sorts.
My classmate had passed away. And when I heard the news, I felt like I knew that feeling I felt.
I was frozen like how I felt when mom, uncle auntie, passed away. People I knew seemed to go suddenly.
The difference was—— I knew I m frozen.
The awareness like Tsoknyi Rinpoche says—- about the imprints that are left in our lives, is good to help me breakthrough.
Those few days I felt like there was a lot going on in the subconscious body. Lots of things popping up. Unsteady feelings, fear negativity…,
I told teacher —— there is no more once one is dead.
He reminded me about how we discussed the soul moving on for betterment. The journey continues at the soul level.
I knew this. I told teacher I knew. Because with India with Khadro-la, I experienced the length of time. And you just knew.
But more than not, we would use our mundane humane consciousness to understand it at our level.
Of this journeying of the soul, He says,“ it is about going home. Or going to where we came from. We r light bodies and for some reasons, we fell from that state and become what we are. And everything we do has no right or wrong but is our way of navigating towards the way back—- to the style light beings.”
I was rather fascinated by this theory. I haven’t thought through yet but it seems to hold some promise.
I said that even if I knew the soul continues a journey after a lifetime , we would use our limited knowledge and wisdom to understand death. Even if deep down we knew the soul progresses , it’s not the same to embrace this.
Teacher asked me why I m so affected by my classmate ‘s passing. He stresses that each time we talk abt smtg, the emphasis is on why this something hit us, rather than the story itself.
I said it is because of its suddenness. The realness or reality about life is how subtle it can be and I have seen it go so easily more than once.
So many locked up emotions in me. And until I said my goodbye to my friend, did I feel better.
But the way this affected me—- was a little bit more —- like waking me up to say- hey it’s time to get serious.
No more pushing away or closing an eye.
I said that of course we could try n cushion this , like preparing or allocating resources doing a will so that when it stops somewhere, there is at least little things that people can hang on to
But as I was saying this—- no, life really can slip away to nothingness.
I guess it is a sense of control you are losing and understanding that from the outset like you can not control birth, neither do you have a handle over death
Smtg bigger than yourself you have no way over and learning to see that no matter how you have tried to master , you go with the flow
It also is about appreciating life and making the best out of this opportunity
Which begs the question—- what is the meaning or purpose of life?
I told teacher life is precious because of the life it brings. Such such precious opportunity.
I have read that it takes a lot to become a human and now we have. We HAVE!
We CAN do things we CAN contribute we CAN change the world we CAN do so so so many things
Life is so big it’s humbling
We are so small yet we CAN change n make things better
The big n little of it——— is just unfathomable and amazing
I told teacher my understanding of life is that we are given an opportunity to right wrongs or pursue yet again smtg we could do better. Like when I gave birth to my second child, did all the things I did not do right or the way I liked
I said I like to interpret it once more. And the practice all these years———would be for me—— to learn to speak out (I rem I was a reporter and I didn’t dare ask qns in the beginning) it was learning to find my voice and acknowledge its importance
Then I did not dare to ask questions I was quiet n timid
I did not feel like my question mattered
Then it was writing food reviews and questioning if my opinions mattered
then it became learning to express or speak the truth, confronting my father and myself
and then afterwards———-learning to speak with heart and from the heart.
To tell a real story that reflects another’s life another’s heart and soul
Each time I could find a way out on my own, I could go to the next level and I saw it in my work
It matters to me a great deal. And in the process I get to work with my inner self too. And gets pushed in the direction to look in-depth within me
Coincidentally a few days later I had the chance to visit saint pierre n once I sat down I saw a note from chef —— that says out everything I prob need to say.
“creating food to b enjoyed savoured and loved has been my calling. Finding the path to remain grounded and true to my mission has been my quest. My training is deeply seated in the flawless flow of harmonious energy which has inculcated in me an intuitive acknowledgement that our surrounding karma is the resultant action of our own making…..”
And ends with “ from my heart to your table”
I could almost change it to become
“From my heart to your iPhone” now that people consume the videos I make on iphones
Shared this with teacher and he says, “ why are you touched?”
I say “The short note the chef puts on the table haha is like summarizing what I did!”
All these years, the people I met the stories I do tend to say out for me my values my emotions my heart my life
Like a mirror
Like an echo from my heart which found a way back to me
Before I left, teacher encouraged me to celebrate myself and my achievements. To honour myself
“It is v important to honour the things you have done. You have been one of the very few who has have the awareness to work within and with yourself to achieve breakthroughs. And you manifest these in your life.
Your stories touch always and that is the your style. I look at them when you share them with me. “
And the best he says is he wanted to share them further.
This is great support and encouragement to me. Coming from teacher. He probably saw that I need the affirmation.
I try to work with myself whenever I have the chance
所以不用被这些套牢，可以释放。可以呼吸。I tried to breathe to let go off the trauma. And to acknowledge it
I have been living up to my mother’s expectations and did way beyond but it doesn’t mean anytime me even if I have excelled
But when I write a good story I know
That is the satisfaction, nourishment.
I want to stop that old me and spend energy with the latter to say out voices from the heart
Real raw voices that has been really experienced but only had a place in the heart
But it shouldn’t just be
A lot of voices can find resonance and an echo
Life is so big there’s space for these voices
They needn’t be kept down
And I know that Qinzhi will have a similar love of her life that does not require my expectations
She should be free from it from me and the sooner the better
She has to fly and fly I did
That day I interviewed a young three star chef, I was touched.
He had been the second in command but now he’s got three stars. He seems too young for his claim to fame and he has not displayed convincing enough stature a chef would have. He says he isn’t afraid of difficulty.
Because he now has an opportunity and he just wants to make the best he can out of it.
So he is not afraid of challenge nor difficulty. I was touched and I knew why.
Because I m like this too.
When the door opened for me here, I displayed this mentality whether it was as little as an interview, a video project or something as big as sales.
So I was really touched. Instantly I realized and I acknowledged myself then.
Looking back, I begin to understand how this all come into place and how everything is starting to make sense.
It was humbling and really enlightening.
But, I came back from my work trip to find Qinzhi n Huaihao at the airport waiting for me
Then daddy told me the news
Qinzhi has a seizure last Sunday and was sent to hospital. She was having dinner and she stared into space and is not exactly reactive for ten plus minutes
After an EEG the hospital found spikes in her left brain and suggested an mri
I was weak from listening to this but I quickly asked for an appointment to the specialist and got it at 9am the next day
I went into the mri scan with Qinzhi n waited
At 2pm the doctor called to say it looks like the mri is clear
But because she had another seizure this morning, this is considered epilepsy
Qinzhi has to b put on medication for 2 years to suppress the seizure n to let the wiring get better
I did not know how to take this
I was extremely relieved to hear the scan didn’t show anything but this is a lifetime of work to do with zhi
I looked back at the last message she sent me and after replying her I asked if she did work
When I saw that I was so angry with myself—-is that all I can ask of her?
When I cleared things in my store I saw her write 沁芝♡妈妈。
I haven’t listened all this while
I did not hear her at all
I was oblivious to Qinzhi when she needed me. I didn’t know how to love her as a mother.
This is so torturous
I did not think about how she felt at all
I didn’t care at all
Daddy asked Qinzhi if she wants to keep her hair long
Qinzhi says,” mommy says I got to pass my exam”
I felt so guilty
Like how my mother’s word meant to me.
I said smtg that I do not mean totally but became the decreed for Qinzhi this that stuffed her tortured her
But I got so fearful thinking that I may lose her or if anything happened to her
Daddy cried so hard-he said he felt soo for Qinzhi because if his mother was around there would be someone to love her.
But I said, it’s not true. Hui n gor love her more than themselves.
He asked,”were we too harsh on Qinzhi? “
Yes I said. We did not know how to love her
I did not
Qinzhi came earlier than expected
I was five months pregnant when I got married
Maybe subconsciously I did not accept this well. So Qinzhi was always feeling inconfident and unwanted
She was always not at the centre while her brother was
And she always subjected herself to the sides
I thought about how I scolded her during the exams.
“Don’t you know how to do this?”
“Qinzhi why are you doing this to me? “
We brought Huaihao to the Chinese doctor and I was pushing her to do maths all the way
I front of other people in public
I did not consider how she felt at all
I hurt her so much and she couldn’t have an answer
She loves me so so much but I only questioned her this way——to a 9 year old
I imagine her at a total loss blaming herself
She couldn’t take it
Yongjuan says’ “Maybe her mind wanted to shut down from something external . Too stressful , she wanna run away”
Maybe medically they call it epilepsy but this was really really due to the stress caused by the exams and me
Each time she didn’t know how to work on her math she just stood still
This time it got serious
I feel so regretful
Although the doctor says this has nothing to do with stress but I feel like
I single handledly caused this. Qinzhi was such a happy child just last week or a few days earlier and now she’s been having two seizures and we do not know when is the next
And when I see other kids who r normal and do not have to take medication, my heart has so much pain and regret
I brought this upon my daughter, I want my healthy happy daughter back
And I m going to do all I can to bring her health and happiness back
I m going to channel all my energy to healing her and bringing her back to balance
Both daddy and I talked about this
And we really want to change as a family
To cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and to open Qinzhi up
Qinzhi has too many things on her mind in her heart and she doesn’t say it out
Sorry doesn’t amount to any effect but I want to seek Qinzhi’s forgiveness and from myself and daddy
Qinzhi does not have a voice, the opportunities that have been presented to me and the practices I have had in the last ten years, gave me the chance to find and acknowledge my own, then helping others to voice out their heart, and now its about helping Qinzhi find and say out her voice from the heart.