0

Thank you and Goodbye

 So much has been said about the man.
There were too much to learn just reading about him.
Like this little selection below that touched me:
   

          

  

Then it was time to say goodbye. 



  

    

 

I want to show up. The heart is not at peace, so heavy it could not breathe. At the cbd, the missing man formation put forth by the fighter jets n the sounding of the gun salute makes emotions swell. People are soaked through. But they stand steadfast. Then people shout and close their umbrellas. They chant Lee Kuan Yew. Some clap. Many others simply couldn’t hold back and cried , fallen on the roads. And it is over. It is a Singapore I have never ever seen. In the days before, Video clips and stories distill once and again the extraordinary statesman he has been, the fiery rhetoric, the promises that turned out, the iron he has, the rise and fall of his tone with lots of emotions. So convincing. But I would never get the chance to vote for him again. Then there was the love he hadn’t let down. Every time , because of him, we find Singapore. We find the meaning of Singapore and very spirit that built this place. Every time, because of him, the world looks at us and is stunned by this little red dot that wouldn’t have had a chance at existing if not for him. This man he has been has done so so much. Defied circumstances to his best, and turned impossible to what is all around us. I Look around, again and again, every little thing becomes impactful. They were not by chance. There was no accident. Penetrating, Powerful then poignant. He showed up in my life in more ways than one. But I didn’t see all this before. I read in madness all the stories online n in print how He leads by example and tells of what life is and can be, so long as you really want it. Go for the best that you want your life to be and you Can be. Never settle. The formula would be as he have expressed, Selflessness, devotion, forceful determination, fierce protection, passion and commitment, discipline, promise, integrity and love. All the important values and principles which will carry you to good stead in a lifetime. There was so much to learn. Knowing that he is there gives guarantee and strength, but what lies in the road ahead? How will we do, what will we do without a visionary? What is the vision? Where will we find the kind of iron that Singapore needs? Without his watchful eyes, will the system work? I feel weakened on a deeper level, confused and in conflict. I have only minded the big and little in my own life. But “Ah gong” is no more. And that in itself is making it even harder to say goodbye. We started out with nothing but sheer grit and determination to arrive here. 50years later, we are eking out on our own again. We have ourselves from now. It really is a new beginning.

“Follow that rainbow, go ride it”, he once said.
I hear you Sir. Thank you.
And… goodbye.  

    

 

 

Advertisements
0

Going on to 26 months

IMG_9369 IMG_9370

这么快又一个月。

皓皓26个月大了。

皓皓农历新年到现在都待在阿姨家。主要想让他断奶。 本来对这件事很感性,但现在也看开了。当初想法是2岁之后就喊停,但不知如何进行,就这么样好了。 在阿姨家,皓皓每晚喝milo。一开始,还起来哭一个小时,让着要mommy的milk milk,两天下来不闹了。

一天,阿姨如常dada皓皓,要哄他睡觉。结果,皓皓不依。阿姨有些不耐烦轻轻打了他一下,结果小不点说:“这么小,还被阿姨打!”

婆婆说,那由婆婆dada好了。 皓皓又耍嘴皮:“不用你kaypoh”

他还能唱药师佛咒,好厉害!

农历新年捞鱼生,小瓜居然会说huat ah 而且非常好听! 皓皓要我帮他拿玩具,指着盒子里的玩具,我假装看不到。他说:“在这里啦,leu bo kua tio huh,leu ci mee huh”你没有看到吗?你瞎了啊? 他会察言观色,看到mommy我脸上表情不对,便说:“mommy你生气huh” 好笑极了,哪里还生得下气? 在床上听到姐姐咳嗽,他说:“姐姐你不要咳嗽了啦” 好贴心! 夜里,和沁芝皓皓一起睡觉,一起唱歌。 皓皓好棒!唱《两个小娃娃》,唱到你在做什么?

他会改歌词,说:哎哎哎,我在喝milk milk 刷牙也是一件快乐的事,小瓜喜欢这种蓝莓口味的牙膏,举起牙刷说”糖来的“ 显然是味道很好! IMG_8475 IMG_8476 IMG_8477

晚上睡觉的“ritual”,说晚安:) IMG_8389 IMG_8390 IMG_8409

皓皓喜欢这么把车子排成一线,再推开。他非常非常喜欢车子。舅舅买、爸爸买、阿姨买,玩具车大大小小形形色色的好多!

IMG_8380

他喜欢这样画画。mommy怀孕的时候喜欢黄色,现在皓皓也喜欢黄色 喜欢他这么无拘无束的,为了拍这张照片,我也得趴着,放低。 是啊,为了孩子,放低很多的自己。自己不重要了。 IMG_8461

在地铁里,下班了疲惫满满,看着皓皓的照片便开心自来,脸部肌肉开始松懈。

一天,皓皓把我从巴黎买回来的杯子摔坏了。我很喜欢这个杯子,2010年去巴黎的时候买的。那趟行程对我来所很重要。杯子摔破了,突然有些难过。 但很多东西都一样,摔破了久再也不能像是以前那样了。破了就破了。完了就完了。 不是惋惜能够补救。不是做什么或说什么能挽回的。 IMG_8489

这一天,阿嬷生日,带皓皓沁芝去。心里一直想跟阿嬷照相,终于有机会了 我老了,也要像阿嬷这样笑。 IMG_8633

皓皓喜欢吃牛油。大概是在妈妈肚子里十个月又8天,常吃法国餐的缘故   IMG_8725

小宝贝可以用窗帘玩上一阵,而且玩得那么好。 这件事深具启发。一切就看心态如何。不是外物,是心。 什么都可以拿来玩,不要太认真。

IMG_8750 IMG_8751 IMG_8752 IMG_8755

宝贝下楼scooter跌倒了。嘴唇肿了起来。mommy看了,好心疼。我说,你的身体是mommy给的,以后要小心照顾,不要随便让自己跌倒了。 说的时候自己也感动得不得了。 小宝贝,你长多么大了,也是我的小宝贝。 我长多么大了,也是我的父母的宝贝。我的身体,也是爸爸妈妈给我的。一定要好好照顾。好好调整过来。   IMG_8810 睡觉,好好看。   IMG_8493

现在是3月的学校假期。之前皓皓去阿姨家一阵,mommy没有挤奶,奶量大降。下来一周,也不打算挤奶了。皓皓长大了。 所以特别抱着皓皓,像是小时候喂奶的样子。非常珍惜。 小时候,皓皓就是这么被mommy抱在怀中,这么喝奶长大的。 你看着我的眼,我看着你的眼。到现在皓皓能说,mommy的眼睛里有皓皓。   IMG_8823 IMG_8832

宝贝能念完静夜思,也对登高/春晓/悯农等诗篇能够倒背如流,还能唱许多歌曲,甚至改变歌词,非常棒。这一天,我们庆祝公公、庚延舅舅和姐姐的农历生日,一起出外用餐。皓皓大声唱、念,mommy好骄傲。

最高兴就是有机会让皓皓看什么是三轮车。mommy小时候都坐三轮车上学!

但外面的怎么会比阿姨煮的好吃?回到家最舒服。还要阿姨婆婆这么为皓皓洗澡。

ben gor gor结婚当天的早上,带皓皓去scooter。跟着皓皓,带着皓皓,却好像是被皓皓带。

我们就是好朋友。

IMG_9270

跟皓皓一起看含羞草、看花,学习到宇宙的韵律和奇妙。

早上,带皓皓上巴刹的时候,蹲下来看蚂蚁,大大小小的在地上爬行。我以为是我在指导皓皓。但好像是皓皓给我机会,处处在给。

他让我看到了生活、生命,宇宙,大地万物。

IMG_9286  IMG_9291

之后带皓皓去拜拜,皓皓离开前,对buddha说,goodnight,sweet dreams, i love u

IMG_9297

回来之后,理发,好好看啊!我的宝贝!

IMG_9321

傍晚,穿上和daddy一样的衣服。宝贝长大了。

 

IMG_9326

 

 

IMG_9335 IMG_9352

IMG_9386

IMG_9392

亲爱的,may u b be well and happy!

0

6years 1month

沁芝过了6岁的生日,好像又长大了不少。

农历新年在阿姨家度过了开心的周末,还自己擦指甲油

沁芝有些害怕让mommy看到,但真的挺漂亮的。

IMG_8123 IMG_8126

ah boon舅舅给皓皓买礼物,沁芝没有去,但也有一份

IMG_8128

几个星期一,都是mommy带着沁芝上yamaha,然后一起晚餐一起逛街,习惯了彼此对彼此的依赖,开始期待每一个星期一。还有回家之后,一起在床上聊天入睡的感觉。有女儿真好。有沁芝真好。

24/2/2015

沁芝睡前问我,“mommy,我长大了你还会在吗?”

我一时间也说不上来。
问她怎么了?
她说,“我不要你去做工。”
那天早上我去做工。
直到傍晚才回来。
我问沁芝,回到家做什么了?
她说,“在公公的车上听见mommy在报馆,我有点sad。有点想哭了,但是我没有。”
我的小天使也太可爱了。
然后聊到旅行。她说想去济州岛摘橘子
另一个晚上,我们依然躺着,沁芝谈她喜欢的男孩。他是jiayu,婆婆孙子的儿子。沁芝说,他长得好看,而且他还牵了她的手。
沁芝说,她还问jiayu,do u want to b my boyfriend?
阿姨在沁芝生日的时候准备了小糖果包给沁芝同学。结果和沁芝感情很好的hanxuan送了她礼物,又做了卡片给沁芝。小妞乐极了,回来后又说要给朋友亲手做卡片。

沁芝最近学会整理床。早上,她回到自己的睡房,整理爸爸睡过的床。晚上睡前,会把我们的睡床整理成“像是酒店那样”。非常整齐。沁芝会让mommy等在门外,好了才开门,非常满意的样子。说是她观察酒店客房而整理的。

晚上,说晚安变成了一种仪式。

Goodnight sweet dreams, i love u

两个宝贝这么做,一天再忙都值得了。
IMG_8382 IMG_8389

 

最近沁芝 喜欢开我的橱柜,看我最珍贵的收藏,包括这个。阿妹姨姨在我结婚当天做给我,带在手上的。

IMG_8405

 

带沁芝去买ah ben哥哥结婚当日要穿的衣服,她说她要当花童。带她去找衣服,马上看到一件。想让她漂漂亮亮的。她很开心,在试衣间里不断抓着裙子,她一定很满意自己。

IMG_8426

IMG_8433 IMG_8439

隔一天,mommy要上班开会,daddy值午班,唯有请姨姨婆婆来帮忙看两人。两个小瓜都好开心。沁芝一直说,mommy,婆婆姨姨来我很高兴。她们回了,我很sad,我想去pasir ris咧。我懂那个心情,真的,宝贝。

学校假期到来,沁芝皓皓到了pasir ris。这一天,阿tin阿姨让沁芝穿上mommy买给沁芝、准备在ben gor gor婚礼上穿的裙子。

15日是庚延舅舅的生日。也是正月25,沁芝的农历生日。我们也一起庆祝公公的生日,所以去吃了一顿。然后去fullerton走走

 

路上遇到三轮车。这是mommy小时候上学的交通工具。

回来后,阿妹阿姨给沁芝绑头发

 

 

 

然后和沁芝温习功课

 

阿姨给沁芝煮了鸡蛋面线。

 

好爱这个小妞。我知道沁芝的。不够自信,不相信自己。和mommy一样。但我还要为你努力。让你展现最棒的自己。无拘无束

0

Stringing

My mala beads came off when I was chanting the day before.

And this morning, I had the chance to string it.

It then occurred to me, that it was as if I were stringing my life together again.

One at a time.





Then I had to undo the head  n a fix it to the new one.

I took a long time to undo the knot within. And I become one with the moment. Untying the knot.

It was tough but I wanted to undo the knot.





And the practice became a lesson of sorts. You really have to work inwards n go deep within to undo any kind of knots in your life.

It brought me a lot of piece . 

Love it!

0

Take care of your own happiness 

dear Zhi n Hao 

Mommy have come to learn–the hardest way–that you should never ever leave your own happiness, which is so very important, in the hands of another.

No matter how close you n the other party is.

It might b that you think he or she is very very close to you.

You THINK.

I have had so many unhappiness in my own life n marriage I feel lots of anger towards that someone who didn’t take good care of me.

So I turned out this way. My body turned out this way n had lots of tension inside.

I feel a lot of grievance n anger.

But immediately I thought, that it was also because I hadn’t really taken good care of myself. Physically emotionally n spiritually.

Had I had a strong hand in taking care of myself, they wouldn’t have had a chance at wrecking my life.

And since we are at this point, if that someone has you in mind, he or she wouldn’t even bear to impose a wreck. He or she would place you infront of any thought n action, everywhere. He or she would want the best for you. He or she would do anything to let u bloom. 

My point is , we have to learn to be responsible for ourselves in more ways than one.

Having a family, elders, a spouse, siblings doesn’t guarantee you happiness.

It is all with you .