我上你下

今天学会很多事情。

（1）我上你下。

面对许多事，尤其是人与人之间的相处的种种问题，处理的时候，尽量保持冷静。另外，给自己一个说明的机会，但保持客气大方大器，做到语调中温婉但带有力道和态度，做到我上他／你下。

（2）做大事的人，不拘小节。

（3）很多事情经验的时候不知道，原来都是必然的发生，因为都是为你的将来铺底。

Strength (I)

It was raining on my way to work.
As I waited for the bus, I saw the rain drops.
It occurred to me then, what we are.
We are but a drop of rain.
But amazingly in this smallness lies a great deal of strength.

Om.

then i saw this piece of wisdom, it was so random, but i saw it anyhow.

Strength

Been feeling stressful n extremely tired of late
And it makes me want to listen to myself.
What isn’t in sync?
Is it the work I m doing or the life I m living?
M I living?
Is this what I really want to do?
I m in confusion again.
And as I fight my own war within, I wonder where the strength comes from?
What about people who are in the midst of tougher battles?
How do they carry on?
Where do we draw the strength to carry on each moment n each day?
And then I found this drawing as I approached the lobby.
I have been walking into this building everyday .
But no I haven’t been .
I haven’t seen this till today.

The drawing commissioned by SPH as a gift to Singapore for her 50th birthday next year.

Drawn by Stephen Wiltshire . The savant.

As I looked at the drawing, I got my answer.

The strength is in this.

Amazing things. Impossible things.
That people do .

That is like magic.

That is no matter how hard, go on. Go on. GO on. GO ON.

And you will be the amazing thing .

咬

你咬了咬我的手指
然后
我就到了从前
你一见我就咬咬我的手指
你想我爱我的样子

21 months

亲爱的皓皓

今天你21个月大了！

宝贝，但愿你平安健康成长，在daddy mommy的呵护下，长大成为一个能照耀世界的人。给人带来安宁、平静、智慧和快乐。

这里记录你成长的点滴。

皓皓很爱洗澡，每次说，走，去冲凉，他一个劲跑进冲凉房，有时还坐在椅子上等我。他也超爱这个tub，喜欢在里头泡澡，有时daddy帮他洗澡，他洗到不想出来！

但有时daddy动作不够快，小瓜就会闹情绪！

这是第一次我尝试让皓皓坐在马桶上大便，他可能不太习惯，说痛，但还是顺利大出来了！

带皓皓去游泳，痛他俨然已经是个小孩！

皓皓开始尝试玩这些，踏轿车、玩scooter，他两只脚都能替换划地板，很不错，应该有点运动细胞！

小宝贝理发后，好可爱，我的小和尚！

我把脚举起来拍，他也凑热闹。

皓皓最近能说能唱，老在嘴里碎碎念，red car blue car green car

ah tin阿姨教他颜色，他能认出orange，yellow，blue，好开心啊！要不然到处跟人说，爸爸妈妈做工：）

他会说手黏黏！已经能够叫好狗狗ash的名字了！

这天，带沁芝上音乐课。

他上超市看到西瓜木瓜，一直喊“瓜”！
皓皓已经能够辨认身体部位了，mommy念的时候他就指出来，另外，mommy指着部位时，他也能念出来。好棒！

最近他学脚车，他是这样玩的！

沁芝练琴，皓皓跑到床上，喜欢这么躺。他这么小，却喜欢抱抱枕！

早上，让他试着用汤匙喂自己吃。他胜任有余。

10月7日，开始夜间不让他吸奶，半夜起来让他哭。皓皓性子很硬，就让他哭。我看他哭了足足一个小时。搞得沁芝也被吵醒。看他哭、在床上发脾气，我不由自责起来。也是自己没用好好训练，严格制定时间表，那么随性，皓皓现在才会那么依赖。
要wean off mommy。那个感觉，好复杂，我一时间也说不上来。对一个人的依赖和执着，要怎么割舍、去除？

又是另一天。皓皓睡前，依然让人惊艳。下午才念绕口令“吃葡萄吐葡萄皮儿，不吃葡萄不吐葡萄皮儿”
晚上睡前他已经在“点歌”。他说“葡萄”。
早上带他上巴刹，他说almond
我听不出来，低下头看到lemon，恍然大悟！一旁已有阿姨说clever boy！
小瓜好利害哦！
闻到臭臭的空气，会拉高衣服，遮住鼻子说：ah hui！
原来ah hui阿姨就是会这么做。
惊讶他懂pumpkin、strawberry、square、circle、triangle，虽然说不太清楚，但还是很了不起。

这天去游泳的时候，daddy带皓皓去中型池，皓皓玩得好开心。

上次带皓皓去水族馆他睡着，今天再去，他看着鱼，会说，哇！还有机会触碰starfish！

最近，开始教皓皓《静夜思》。
床前明月..他会念光
疑是地上霜..他念光
举头望明月..他念光
低头思故..他念乡

好棒！
皓皓整体对别人说daddy mommy做工，ah seng舅舅说，那皓皓就是jiak kun sng—吃睡玩。

小孩学东西都不知不觉的学好快，
像是骑脚车这件事。像是玩这种智利游戏。或者坐在餐桌上。

像是皓皓用吸管这件事。或自己用杯子喝水。或自己吃面包吃葡萄。每一个成功都是一大胜利！

但看着这些胜利，又好怀念他喝奶的样子。这就是一辈子最美丽的时刻。

小瓜很喜欢我的床。每晚换了睡衣就滚到床上，趴着。笑着！

皓皓21个月大的今天，我们去了mbs的mozza osteria， 是名厨的餐馆！
我们叫了pizza、炸猪耳、arancine油炸奶酪饭球，还有rock melon/pear/olive/straciellata冰淇淋！我们就坐在吧台上，看着热乎乎的比萨出炉！

之后去artscience museum看展览，随处逛，但小瓜都可以玩得很开心！

之后去买了这个牙膏。一支原本$12.9，现在减价30%，我们买了三支，全天然的。daddy mommy都没用过这么贵的牙膏，但很舍得花在皓皓沁芝身上。

mommy找到这样的产品，无敌开心！

之后去囍宴用餐。

这天最大的发现，就是皓皓原来也喜欢macaron！在laduree买了两个，raspberry给亲沁芝、lemon verbena给皓皓，他们吃得好开心！

my mummy’s birthday

Dear mummy

I’m not sure where u r now. Yet u feel so close by.
I know it’s because u r always in me. In my thoughts, my behavior, my body.

Happy birthday mummy.
If u were alive, u might b in your 50s. And you have been gone for more than ten years now.

I’m good here. With your nephew taking good care of me.

In our 6 years of marriage, this is one of the best periods.

Because we r together on almost all fronts, we r in sync n we r supporting one another. We work hard and we work together.

It has been so hard before we arrived here in time.

Your two grandchildren are lovely and growing up well. With a nudge here n there, they would b well.

As for me, I m so busy at work I m facing stress.

I love my job but equally it is getting me too busy .
My body is taking big breaths to cope n i m glad I m listening to my body.
It’s telling me that there is a misfit somewhere n I have to make adjustments to harmonize these .

I m taking it as a que, in another step forward, I have written to my bosses to express my wishes. if it all doesn’t work out well, I might take another drastic step, which could well be quitting.

I have tried to my best ability to meet standards n demands, and well I did.
But I won’t suffer in silence from now. I m going to take active steps to help myself and take matters into my own hands.

My babies n my family n my health matters most.

Guide me from above, mummy.

With lots of love,
Your precious always.

5 years 8 months

 

 

 

 

带沁芝上yamaha，小妞看到别人弹钢琴弹奏出美丽的旋律，也被挑逗，想过去弹一弹。很喜欢她找到了自己的小事，说不定，以后就成为慰借她安抚她，让她快乐的一件事。

 

这一天，tooth fairy降临，把沁芝的一颗奶牙弄掉了。这么快，小女孩就要换上新牙齿。

 

 

我们带小瓜去游泳，沁芝好喜欢游泳，姿态好美！

早上，带沁芝去上课，赫然发现我的小宝贝已经是个大女孩，那天我们整理东西，发现了我们买给沁芝用的baby wrap，粉红色的，那时候沁芝原来那么小，那么小，不舍得丢掉或送人，又收起来了。

 

daddy印上沁芝的名，要沁芝练习。

 

 

 

 

 

这一天时yamaha concert day，沁芝盛装打扮：）

先是memory singing，再来是个人演奏：）小妞其实很镇定，不会怯场！

 

这是沁芝画给mommy的画，mommy再加上一个大心，包围她

沁芝选了喜欢的衣服，用阿seng舅舅每周来时给她的十块买衣服。

不知不觉，上yamaha已经第三个学期。老师说，沁芝进步很多，只要练习，一定可以胜任。可见小妞是有天分的！

带沁芝皓皓去游泳

10月11日，ah seng舅舅带婆婆姨姨去奎笼，沁芝皓皓跟daddy mommy在家。我们去了水族馆。很珍惜这样的一个周末。虽然忙碌，但跟着小瓜一起很开心。
像是普通家庭一样，周末就外出。

这个月，让沁芝学自己洗澡。

有好几天，沁芝连续尿急不说，在外头尿湿裙子。
mommy daddy都很心疼。
也很担心宝贝，会不会哪里不舒服了？心里身体里，不然怎么不说？
mommy不顾自己的心情，赶快用解释的方式告诉沁芝，上厕所的必要性。然后动之以情。沁芝哭了。我知道沁芝是明白的。
但究竟为什么不说，daddy mommy都摸不清楚。
我们只希望沁芝开开心心健健康康平平安安的。

才明白，原来孩子哪里不对，最挫折的就是父母亲。所以每个人都应该好好照顾自己。

这一天，和沁芝在家里。让她画画。

daddy买了沁芝喜欢的Frozen手表给沁芝

 

沁芝非常乖巧，很会照顾弟弟。弟弟跟沁芝抢，沁芝总是让着。弟弟拉她头发，沁芝也无声无息。
但写到这里，突然有感触，不可以一直要沁芝让让让，忍忍忍，否则造就了她压抑不会争取的个性。

这一天，沁芝在阿姨家，阿姨生日，让沁芝做一张卡片给姨姨。

隔天，沁芝5岁8个月大的这一天，我们一家人请阿姨一家去The Catch吃晚餐。

 

Dear qinzhi
U r always v special to me. Always remember that.
Mommy n daddy’s dearest!
B well n happy.
Because you deserve to be.

手表

今天开始
有你陪我

好开心。

Happy 35 TPY！

Happi Birthdae dearie!

happi happi birthdae.

I. it hasn’t been that straightforward , today.

i woke up to haohao’s sweet smile and feeding.

then as usual, i woke up to prepare breakfast.

then, suddenly, qinzhi had a red pouch in her hand, and daddy is cooing…qinzhi, what must u say…?

and there, i got my present, another omega, but this time, with diamonds, and a pearl face and a substantial bracelet.

daddy says its a month’s worth of his salary, just as he bought me my first omega 14 years back on this very day.

then i made for myself mee sua with 2 eggs. like a tradition of sorts.

we headed out to pray, because its Guan Yin’s birthday on the lunar calendar this sept 19th day.

we then went to real food and ordered what we would have on a usual day. but daddy ordered this chocolate bliss cake, that is vegan, gluten free and diary free.

he sang me a birthday song and kissed me hard.

i loved that.

then we went shopping.

then qinzhi pee-ed her skirt. i felt my heart sank. i felt broken and very worried for my child. when she can’t do something so basic, how is she going to handle life?

qinzhi explained to me that she would much prefer to sit down on the toilet seat and not stand.

i accepted that as an explanation and we carried on.

but on the way to meet my siblings for dinner, qinzhi suddenly changed seats on the bus, and i could see that the seat she has left is wet.

that dealt me with another blow. i was stunned and shocked beyond words.

i totally understand now how parents feel when their kids do something not so right, it was as if the parents had failed.

and the blow would have been amplified, simply just because we were the ones to give our children life.

it hurts us most, most most most.

we carried on with dinner, ah mei ayi baked me a strawberry yuzu cake and my father said happy birthday to me. we had dinner then the cake.

i could feel my feelings in my throat as i ate the cake my sister baked for me.

i think i would remember that .

then we had photos,

yes it was a beautiful wonderful day, i fell thankful and i feel blessed ,equally, i feel heavy in the heart. parenting is to grow up again.

II. But, 35 is such a milestone, TPY. what you have experienced all these years is truly truly amazing.

And you r amazing, the most amazing thing that has happened, my dear!

i can’t help but went to look back at the blog at the time of my birthday last yr. And i found for myself a very meaningful birthday letter, written to myself.

it is still awfully inspiring, there’s still so much to do for myself.

This I wrote:

“Happi Birthdae， My Dear。

i think you really love writing, at different points in your life, writing has helped you understand yourself better, when u had fear, when u had worry, when u had suspect, as well,

when u had love, when u had your baby, when you had bliss.

little wonder you will b writing to yourself now.

so dont give it up. its such a part of u. it is u, really.

happi birthdae 🙂 again.

i wish u love.

i think u learnt alot all this while. i dont think anyone besides you will know how much you have blossomed. but i think u gained alot of strength. alot more insights and alot more wise. i think motherhood changed you , enriched u, strengthened you in ways more than one. i think you r awesome.

and i think you hold right opinion in many ways.

continue to follow your heart in the days ahead, i wish you happiness, i wish you bliss, i wish you to be well n happy. you definitely deserve all that you asked for, nothing less. continue to have high expectations of yourself. continue to better yourself in ways more than one.

continue to remain true to your heart and to speak out what you feel at heart.

you need not need anyone’s approval or agreement. you need not anyone to second you.

go forth in your kind ideas, learn to validate and feel confident with yourself.

you have what it takes.

think seriously about the next step you want to take.

you need to nourish yourself before you can nourish your family. you need to be in balance and at peace before you can let your family and kids feel at peace. make time for yourself, always.

i pray that you have the wisdom to bye away any obsolete ideas and mindsets, i pray that you b able to create new pathways, new ideas, new attitudes and behaviours that will help you and people around you.

i wish you courage, i wish for you determination. i wish you broad-mindedness.

in all of these, do not forget to forgive yourself, learn to be kinder to yourself, learn to b more generous with yourself. learn to take better care of yourself.

learn to be a light upon yourself and upon others.

i know your mommy is so proud of you.

happy sweet 34, dear.”

III. But not all is the same.

蒋勋说：35岁，回来做自己，我永远记得。

今天再看，依然获益无穷。

蔣勳：35而立，就是回來做自己

30歲到35歲，我自己回想起這一段，也覺得好特別。
1976年底，我回到台灣，當時還不滿29歲。我可以去大學教書，但關於藝術的課很少。要當專任教師，必須再教些非藝術的課程，像中國通史、國父思想，我想說完蛋了，怎麼可以接受這樣的工作？所以寧可在好幾個大學跑來跑去兼課，但教我喜歡的東西。

這有點「邊緣」的角色，讓我變得更大膽。比如我曾帶著淡江大學建築系學生做飆車調查，要他們訪問飆車族。剛開始學生覺得很難，因為在體制中順利走上來的人，忽然要跟體制外的人對話，但等到他們報告時，我卻覺得很感動，因為他們看到了不同經驗下成長的另一群人。

我用這種既像在體制內、又像在體制外的方式教學，帶著學生關心的不是將來怎麼做個成功的建築師，而是怎麼思考人跟空間的關係。

30歲上下的我，想的不是自己怎麼進入體制，而是我在體制與非體制之間，能不能拔河得更久。

夢想與體制之間的平衡

當時的我們一無所有，社會也沒有安排好位置要我們坐在上面。一無所有帶來的狂喜是一切從零開始，所以不怕失去。這反而是種生命力，讓我們敢大膽地有各種「非分之想」。

夢想跟體制，就像天平的兩端，怎麼樣讓它微妙平衡，是我在這一代身上看到的兩難。這幾年我常到竹科上課，有點在扮演讓天平搖動的角色。我知道大家要的是體制，但我又要告訴大家，當你在體制內愈成功、愈順利，生命力愈容易被削減。

這是個矛盾，包括我自己也是。35歲時，我受邀去東海大學當美術系的創系主任，這是我一生最大的抉擇。因為是創系，我很開心，但7年後我決定辭職，因為我忽然發現自己已經在體制裡。我的思考是：不能不進去體制，但生命力不能被削減到沒有。

這幾年我出版《孤獨六講》，沒想到是很多30歲左右的人在看。孤跟獨，本來在儒家是非常不好的字，但西方講“solitude”這個字，「孤獨」是因為「唯一」，裡面有自負的含意。個人尊重社群，但不一定非要被社群吃掉。

也因為這樣，你問我對「35而立」的詮釋是什麼？我覺得是回來做自己。35歲以後還不知道做自己是怎麼一回事，會很辛苦，你的榜樣永遠是別人。

兩種態度，找回生命力

首先，競爭最好的對象是自己。200米、400米的短跑，都是跟對手比，但長跑一定是跟自己比賽，因為跑到最後是「前不見古人，後不見來者」，卻要跑出體能的極限。所謂成功，最後一定是在自己喜歡的領域中不斷長跑，像嚴長壽、郭台銘，都是跟自己競賽，不是跟別人比。他們是完成自己。

其次，我們一方面尊重體制，可是體制內每一個人的生命力不能因此流失。流失以後會造成體制的萎縮，它會愈來愈沒有創意。

週休二日你在做什麼？這兩天是讓你回來做自己，是累積生命力的開始。前幾年電影《練習曲》影響很大，有個科技公司的員工跟老闆說要辭職去環島，因為「有些事情現在不做，以後會後悔」。老闆問：「你需要幾天？」他說17天。老闆說，好，放你17天假。回來以後，他表現更好。我想企業中是容許這些對話的，體制中並不是沒有彈性。

我不擔心制度，卻擔心人在制度中的「無感性」，所以，還要找回你的感覺。你有多久沒聞過花香？能否分辨出另一半身上的味道？或是喝得出這家咖啡跟別家不同，寧可繞路去買？有句話說「人不可無癖」，有幾樣怪癖，人會比較快樂，這表示你有所愛，有所選。

記得，不一定要打破體制，但要知道體制不是永遠。一旦生命力消失，即使在體制中也不會保證你的安全，而且會很快流失你原有的創造力。

有一种：真的，是时候了的感觉。

我的感觉是，我也越来越靠近心里所想的了。因此也越来越靠近那个自己。最是自己的自己。还有一些小处，在微调。

去年生日时在facebook上贴的：

“happi birthdae TPY. i wish for u courage, to bye away the old. I wish for u determination, to continue the good u have. i wish for u wisdom, to do good n b a light. i wish for u strength in life. above all, i wish u love on the road to bettering urself. happi sweeet 34, girl!”

i m so proud of myself, these all i really did, in the last 365 days that flew by.

having gone back to work, i didn’t forget that i m first a mother, then a worker.

I fought hard to do what I want: to write. I fought so hard to get the chance to speak to top chefs.
And fighter I m!

i stretched myself, i extended my limits, i took care of my family and of my responsibilities at work, i went deeper and wider. i became wiser. i really tried to the best, best best of my ability. i never did compromised on standards.

and of late, i realised that i may not be important or highly regarded by my workplace, but i m most important to my family and my precious babies.

And i had the newfound sense of courage to voice out my innermost wishes.

and so i have no qualms about letting go of my work when the timing is ripe.

and so i say, happy birthday TPY.

you are awesome. super awesome.

Continue to follow your heart in the days ahead. Continue to discover! Fight for what you believe in. i wish for you great health and mental well being, so you can extend yourself to the service of others. To heal and let heal. I wish for you great wisdom and strength, to be the best of yourself, to believe in yourself and to be just, honestly you. I wish for you freedom and to be you always from the heart. Be like a kid all over again! I wish for you wisdom to let go on  the excesses and to live simply. I wish for you inspiration to light up your own and others. I wish you love and lots to share.

i wish u, Happiness, all over again.

Happy happy birthday my dear!

沁芝尿裤的学习

沁芝连续2天尿急不上厕所，急得尿到裤子。

mommy有一股沮丧袭击心头。很真实。很丧气。很无助。

但再无力，也要咬紧牙，把沁芝这个毛病改过来。

不是第一次了，这么急了不上厕所，尿到裤子，在外头，尿液流下，弄湿裤子裙子，弄湿脚，弄脏鞋。

今天，让沁芝自己洗脏了的裙子鞋子。

再严厉奉劝。一切从理，解释身体将不需要的排出来，因此必须第一时间如厕。

要沁芝解释，为什么急了不上厕所？

她说：“因为……我……”

说不出口。

她说：“我说不出来”

急得又哭了。

和沁芝谈大道理的时候，我才发现，原来，那些大道理也适用在自己身上。

之一。

我跟她说，她有一副好的体魄，已经比别人幸运。但不懂得照顾，还破坏。

说的时候，那话也硬硬地打到我身上。

我有时也为了忙其他事，不理会身体闹钟，比如睡眠、比如尿尿等。

我跟沁芝说，那是她的第一个错，不珍惜自己。

仿佛也在说自己。

之二。我告诉沁芝，她的第二个错，就是说了不算。

昨天才说，会急了就上厕所，不会再犯同样的错。但才过了一天，全部忘记，又犯了老毛病。

我说，那是把话看轻了，不尊重别人，更不尊重自己。

我说，她轻易就忘记对我的承诺，简直就是在说，mommy对她不重要。

沁芝听着，哭了。

我知道沁芝听懂了。

大人说话很容易，但我说的那一些，我也应该拿来借鉴。

to really say things that one means in the heart.

that is something i should learn. that is real respect for myself and others.

之三。我跟沁芝说，沁芝是我的宝贝。

我开了这个blog给沁芝看，让沁芝看她小时候的样子，吸奶的样子。

我提醒沁芝，她就是我十月怀胎生下来了。

我跟她说，i feel so heartbroken.

沁芝哭了，她知道的。从她的眼神和她的哭。我知道沁芝是明白的。某一刻看到她哭，我可以感觉到她身体里头的，是一个成熟的性子。

之后，我让沁芝洗澡时自己洗，看得出小妞可以胜任。只需要多练习，就没问题。

之四。

后来在床上，哄皓皓睡了。沁芝之前一直要dada，我一语带过，说，mommy累了，自己睡。

不料她居然哭了。她要我dada，我有点不知所措，不知道应该怎么回应，想她长大一点，不要那么依赖，但又很怕伤害她。

她说：“mommy sayang我……”

i thought that is her last straw。

我知道严厉和爱必须分开。此刻还是要爱。

我躺在她身边，我对她说，沁芝和mommy是一体的，纵然现在你是你，我是我。但我们是一体的。一直都是。

沁芝是我身上的一块肉。永远都是，所以什么都可以告诉mommy。

我不知道在小孩听来，会是什么意思什么感觉，但很快，她就睡了。

我想起了自己，还有我的mummy。

再一次提醒自己，我们虽然不在一起了，没有见面，但，我们终究是一体的。

她就在我的身体里。

从未离开。不曾离开。

之五。沁芝尿急了也不上厕所是怎么一回事，我真的搞不懂，她也说不出。

但她让我感觉自己很失败。

比自己过去失败时更加失败。

现在才明白，孩子做错，父母的打击最大。

之六。我知道我有朝一日，一定会离开我的工作岗位。

为了沁芝。

我不觉得可惜。