Rest Day 19

Today marks the last day of rest for me as I will b returning to work on Monday!

So the day was spent going to the market in the morning to buy some produce that I will b able to use the next few days.

Then art.

Teacher Yen ‘s instruction was :”a gift for yourself n your baby”

This is my work 🙂

Gift for myself n baby?
the first word that came into my mind was

Freedom
Then nature
Then wisdom

Then I recounted how I was when I delivered qinzhi n the word that struck was

Awareness

So I drew a globe of yellow orange light to signify awareness

With awareness comes wisdom n freedom.

One needs awareness to b aware of wisdom

And I drew 2 hands, mine at the bottom left, baby’s at the top right

And I drew 2 balls in the middle of the balls, white to represent freedom

Freedom big n small

Freedom from the most mundane unhappiness , freedom of the mind, freedom to develop n grow

Mere freedom in life

I said freedom doesn’t come easy for myself

I learnt freedom the hard way

I wasn’t living for myself until when these last 3 years or so

When qinzhi was born, she kick started me into conscious living
She sent me on a search to look for myself

Who m I ?
Why m I here?
What m I here for?
What do I want to do?
How m I going to live?

She sent me into a whirlwind
Thinking about life n priorities

I have been living my life in a blur in my teens going for results

In early adulthood, I was tasked to manage the family

But when qinzhi was born, she gave me a chance n a ticket to freedom

Knowing yourself n what you want in life gives u freedom

You no longer live under the shadows of others or trying to accomplish for others or fulfilling others

Others but yourself

That is newfound freedom!

I then painted green to represent nature.

The gift of nature comes thru the awareness of appreciation

It doesn’t mean I have to bring myself or bb overseas for nature

But I have to learn to appreciate the nature in a leaf, in the rising n falling of the sun, when days turn into night

I then painted blue to signify healing
And pink for tenderness

I said that all these qualities I found in the last few years served me well when I was in a mess

They seem almost like a gift to me, as if inherited

Found in these few years of soul searching

now that I have identified n know of their importance, I believe baby would do well in life if he stayed by these qualities n developed them

And I know he will have these qualities. Just as I loved music n cared for pple around me, qinzhi naturally has these qualities too

So baby naturally will have these qualities etched into his character as well

And armed with all these in life, baby n I will b able to radiate a loving kindness outwards n b a light upon others in our lives.

And this is represented by the yellow lightness that covers the page.

I titled the artwork : Gifted

And teacher says wow

She feels I m so transformed this pregnancy. I have gained so much wisdom as if I have traversed time n distance over a matter of years. She feels I m now uplifted n has returned home.

I agree.

I went back to my Facebook pg n noted my new year status at the break of 2012:

“May the new year bring forth shifts in attitudes, new perspectives, new ways of doing things, courage n wisdom.may 2012 bring me a newer me n a newer u. A better world. Haaaaapppi new year!’

I do feel transformed in a sense , elevated to another level, clearer of what I want

With that comes power n freedom, bcoz I have learnt to choose n b selective, n in the process learnt abt letting go n creating space for myself.

And in this all, getting nearer to the heart centre n being me

In the process of this artwork, I also feel that my lady boss is a teacher to me, i should b thankful of all the difficulties she has been presenting to me

She was able to treat me the way she did or ride over me n was not respectful of my wishes , bcoz I allowed it all !

That was a lesson on assertiveness

She didn’t give me recognition for my hard work n all that I did n I desired that recognition

It dawned upon me that for Recognition to be effective, it has to come from the inside. To know n acknowledge for yourself the good meaningful work you have done.

With this understanding , it feels as if the heart opened up quietly. As if a knot or latch opened up, fell off n disappeared.

I also told Yen I wanted to use my experiences to help others, having come out of it n derived all these important messages.

Maybe writing therapy?combined with art?

There is a gentle happiness n joy flowing / streaming

I m so happy about this.

I think I m really HD yellow just as daddy has wished me to b

Now.

And it’s twice the power bcoz baby in me as well can feel all this.

Strangely enough, the hand at the right side to signify baby’s hand turned out stronger n more intense , as if with more might.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

After the art session, I met up with daddy. We had a brief walk at orchard n had lovely food

But the highlight would b dinner tonight which I will b cooking!

I was especially pleased with the sauté potatoes although the salmon would b much better if cooked a little less longer

But overall, it’s a success!

Another reward for myself!

Rest Day 18

Qinzhi went back to pasir ris yesterday so today I had time to laze around
N experimented with salmon

It was a success
Of course!

Rest Day 17

午后，带沁芝去Equinox午茶
小妮子说：this place is v nice
Becoz, have a lot of things to eat n drink

看她自己吃得津津有味
特别好看

她说她还要来

：）
原想搭巴士回pasir ris
但巴士太多人
我们改搭车到机场

看到飞机，沁芝说：＂要搭＂
看到skytrain，她也要搭

然后沁芝说：＂do u know where is the suuu(slide) in the airport?＂

结果我们到ntuc消费，让她去玩游乐场了。

眼前，偶尔飞机的起飞
让我跟着也想飞
不工作，可以换更好的生活吗？
那就要看＂更好的生活＂怎么定义

也许我会错失很多机会
也许不能出国旅游
也许无法访问到了不起的人物

但似乎内心一把声音说
＂都不要紧＂
因为换来每天和孩子在一起的机会
那绝对不是得来容易的。

Rest Day 16

无所事事

安心自在地度过一分一秒，就是一个很大的幸福了。

和沁芝在家，看着她嬉笑胡闹

也是非常的幸福

小妮子越来越可爱，今天终于勇敢让爸爸给她淋浴洗澡

真是了不起的一步

和baby在一起，完全感受他的每一次踢腿和动作

看着肚皮跟着起伏

感受那种生命的律动

那已经是很大的一个恩赐

每天就是平淡的起床、弄早餐、弄午餐、午觉……

已经是很大的幸福了。

感谢有休息的机会。

虽然工作的邀约不断，有时也很动心，但我最终还是选择在家。

因此我能感受，工作，还有工作带来的其他附加品，是多么的不重要。多么的可以被割舍。

傍晚，搭车看圣诞灯饰，之后daddy说要给沁芝买一棵圣诞树

找了两天，没有理想的。

daddy说要动手自己做。
我们就去daiso买，总共花了$12

世界上最美的圣诞树！

Rest Day 15

Made qinzhi a breakfast of tomato n scrambled eggs, with a rabbit n birdie shaped bread

<;/a

Then watched iPad n c her dance

Then all 3 of us napped a good 2 hrs
Qinzhi experimented with a new hairdo n loved it

And after fruits

It’s dinner time!
Fish n chips at ABC market

Then we went to Ikea to look for a Christmas tree

Then we took 111 and took in the Christmas lights at orchard road

It’s Monday n we had the upper deck to ourselves taking in the beautiful sights

Qinzhi imagined she was driving

🙂

And had enormous fun!

Rest Day 14

Tiring day!
But we brought qinzhi home so we can have her close to us.

However more tiring, we want qinzhi home.

Rest Day 13

I m SUPER happi

: )

n i knew it was because I decided to proceed with my MC as prescribed

aligning myself another step closer to what my heart wills

昨天去看中医
告诉他，有时候discharge会有血丝
他大呼：＂不可以！一定要休息！少走动！不可以开玩笑！换作前三个月就是不稳定的现象！现在8个月了，就是动了胎气，必须好好养胎！不可操劳草率，否则有早产危险！＂

哇！吓一跳！
向Dr Soon说这事，西医完全不担心，她说之前做了discharge的检查，一切正常，没有感染。

但中医就认为大大不可。

也许老了，容易累，容易过度exert。
乖乖听话。在家休息好。

阅读后发现，宝宝在最后一个trimester增长最快，这时候最需要营养。

今天乖乖去巴刹买菜

自己弄黑鸡汤

希望宝宝有汲取到营养。

落红情况会转好。

Nice quote

we see that the splendor we view outside of our windows is simply a reflection of what lies within us.

Rest Day 12

带自己来cedele，和自己吃午餐。

吃完，喝龙眼茶。然后开始make sense、纪录心情。

打打字、停停。偶尔，感觉播放的音乐也在安抚心房。感觉这样的悠闲午后太重要。太珍贵。

是和自己对话的机会。

我觉得这几天心情有点乱，转换成生理、气的交战，尤其昨天早上，觉得很难呼吸、上气不接下气。很喘、有气无力。或有力无气。眼睛睁不开。

我知道那是因为
下周一就要上班。但我不愿意。想再休息。

我越来越清楚自己内心交战的样子。以及它对我身体的影响。

越来越清楚什么是align yourself to your innermost thoughts。

好像reach decision之后，心情，然后是身体好受些。至少那气，通畅。

今天是妈妈的祭日。原来一晃十年了。
现在看，很快。感觉是眨眼的事。
之前情绪起伏折腾的时候，觉得很难。
去祭拜母亲。
十年之后，不论在哪里，希望她平安快乐。不论在哪里都可以超脱。达到智慧的究竟的境界。

我在这里，十年也没有白过。
很折腾、很痛苦、很愚笨、很执着，很不开明、很懵懂、很混沌

但

也很精彩、很丰富、越来越清楚、越来越懂自己、越来越懂人生、越来越开阔慈悲、越来越懂得争取自己想要的、做最是、最像自己的自己。最接近心里想要的自己。越来越里外一致。越来越诚实。越来越体谅。越来越有智慧。
更像一个老实正道的人。

我以前写，如果妈妈在，说不定我的人生不会那么辛苦。

但现在看，我觉得，遭遇的辛苦都是必要的锻炼，是打磨一个人唯一的有效方式。

我要怎么把所学交给我的宝贝孩子呢？
正如昨天弟弟给我买榴莲，我倍受疼爱之余，也很想给弟弟一些什么。

我要如何把所学传递给别人？

就是用心吧。
把握每一次接触相聚的机会
去聆听和帮助

再一点是身教。
我怎么活。怎么conduct自己。怎么待人处事，这些大概就是最重要的传授方法。

这些都是紧迫而刻不容缓的。

那天daddy开车，在loyang ave要转弯时差点出意外。
沁芝和我在后座。突然的煞车让我冲向前然后，我的手下意识推向座椅挡住身体往前。

现在回想起来，觉得上述那个情境好像是一个定格、一个boxed up scenario，一切就
好像发生在时间停止的瞬间。

突然什么帮我们挡住了。

于是，我们又在瞬间回到时间掌握的世界里。

我吓坏了，一旁沁芝仍嘻嘻哈哈，好像什么事也没有。

过后，她对我说：＂mummy，just now
v scared hor＂

这样的遭遇，不难领略其重要性。

过去几年，碰到许多了不起的人
Kim Robinson
MB&F 创办人
Dr Wong
Dr Pushparanee
又如之前看我的Dr Tay，退休了。
我当时有写，it’s like a closure of sorts
后来验血成绩是越来越接近正常水平。
新的医生说，CT Scan证实一切ok，很可能是inflammation所致。

他们给我的message是，
1）你没事
2）活出你真正要的人生

这些力量和信息，我有感应，但就是不相信，也没有执行。

但这次的信息好像更加明确。
我被赋予一个机会。

它的冲击力一并洗刷掉之前种种。
过去如何精彩如何颓丧，都不重要。

重要的是今后的每一步。今后我要人生如何？我要用什么态度展开和面对人生？

答案是：就是和从前不一样。
创造新的可能性和pathways
我相信自己的经历是有用的，可以拿来更多地帮助别人。

我觉得有种＂回到家＂的感觉。
回到自己身上、回来做自己的感觉。
我想花心思，好好建立我的家庭，养育我的孩子，我觉得那才算是真正重要的工作。才是对社会和人生真正有贡献。

May I have strong support in this that I want to do.

Om ma ne pad me hum

Rest Day 11

The visit to the Gynae showed that the little one put on only 200+g in 2weeks.

Rather much like when qinzhi was inside

Although Dr Soon said baby is still in the ok range, she gave me another wk of MC

And I felt a bit down

I want a bigger baby

At night, I told my brother I wanted durians

And he really drove to get durians n have them sent to me 🙂

Made me feel loved n happy!
It brought images of him hugging me when I had my first panic attack at home.
That was the time I felt my brother as a grown up, capable of protecting.