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New Eyes, New Mind, New Heart

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s New Year Message. So wise, so concise, so on point.

New Year’s Message 2019

Happy New Year! I will pray that the new year brings you happiness, health, and also that you will develop your spiritual journey, your awareness, compassion, and wisdom.

This is a new year and, of course, we all know that; our life is changing, the environment is changing, the whole world is changing. It is important that we accept that things are changing. We need to really
let go of, what I call our “fixed mind:” the mind that creates a prison or a jail for ourselves, layer after layer, with preconceptions and a lot of judgment and lots of ideas. We need to accept these changes. This new year is a big change, is it not? If you can be with what changes, accept that which changes, that will really bring, or it has for me, a new perspective on life that is fresh and really sees things clearly. I become clear about myself, about my life, and in meditation, it really helps me
to see my own mind, the natural qualities of my own mind.

You can see things around you, also, being fresh and alive. In a way, we all have this wonderful life, right now. It is amazing! and it is important to appreciate that you are alive, that you are breathing. At the same time, there is a lot of great qualities within us — within me, within you, and in this world. Appreciate that and be with it.

At the same time, practice letting go. Letting go is not giving up. Let go of your fixed mind. After letting go of your fixed mind, you will discover the fresh reality of yourself and the world. That only comes through accepting impermanence, changes.

With this day comes a big change for you and for all of us. It is New Year’s, right? I hope this new year will open new eyes, a new mind, and a new heart for you that is fresh, clear, joyful, and peaceful.

Thank you!

https://learning.tergar.org/2019/01/01/mingyur-rinpoches-2019-new-years-message/?utm_source=Tergar+Meditation+Community&utm_campaign=960bfd848e-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2018_12_30_10_13_COPY_01&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_f80b35b3a8-960bfd848e-227064369&mc_cid=960bfd848e&mc_eid=feaea6411e#

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Goodbye 2018

Is it 31 Dec already? I didn’t think I have digested everything that 2018 brought me as yet and time is moving on.

As always.

The end of 2018 brought me quite a bit at the last bit——–Lots of everything in life that would have you sit up and stand on your toes. Qinzhi’s seizure was shocking and a big awakening for me. Pretty much like a tsunami that rocked my world. The ishinomaki trip sort of made sense now.

Its a big lesson I received and I believe——-my and my family’s collective doing that brought this to fruition. All of us had a part to play to ring this in this direction. But I believe this is what I and my family need to work on collectively so we can all go to the next level. Together and in unison.

We were not united enough. Our thoughts were not together as a family. The binding was not there.

I looked back at my Goodbye 2017 post, I recounted what I tried my hands on and what I wanted to do in 2018. I said this—-

“In the new 2018 that has just birthed, I would like to:

  1. spend more time with my family, my kids, my husband
  2. spend more time with myself
  3. be more healthy
  4. heal my keloids
  5. sleep earlier
  6. do less work
  7. do more holidays with my precious ones!
  8. do 5 min of practice a day
  9. learn to be still , to be quiet
  10. get more creative, intuitive,
  11. be more in touch with myself
  12. do videos that make a difference, write or say things that would inspire, hence express my light and that of others, and be the magic to people around me.
  13. work on a tv programme!
  14. keep that wonder, that purity in me.
  15. 我想学习过得自在一点,老师说,生活其实不需要那么辛苦的,只是,很多的约定俗成和旧有模式,让我们疲惫疲累。其实,生活是可以很轻松的。我想学!

Did I achieve the above?

Maybe half of those came true. Was 2018 kind to me? Actually very much so.

I travelled and visited many places, had the privilege to interview and got in touch with many wonderful people. I saw their magic, captured their magic and got them out on videos for the world. It was magical and magic time and again I witnessed and experienced. Thru out it all, I remained true and did not lose myself. I maintained to be me.

I spent great effort at work and invested heavily in getting to know myself better. I imbued my learning and development into my work and created works that had insight and meaning.

But if I could do anything better, I should have put in more for my family. Both quantity and quality wise. I came home to cook for my family and had dinner with them every night. I read storybooks and we chatted at bedtime.

To capture 2018’s magic and lessons would be rounding these points below.

  1. The meaning of life and its purpose. If we are aligned to our life purpose, things flow. For me, the meaning and purpose of life, is to be true and to say it as it is. Like a mirror, nothing more and not less.
  2. Life is transient and impermanent.
  3. What is to listen? How do you listen to another’s soul?
  4. What is to love? What is love if it causes hurt? And if you do not know about loving yourself—-how do you love another?
  5. To be gentle with yourself. Only then can you be gentle to others.
  6. All change with substance comes from within.
  7. What is to trust the process or the divine? How do you apply this understanding to the process?
  8. What is to let go?
  9. What is to offer your presence? And especially, what does it mean to offer your presence to your loved ones?
  10. What is putting others before you?
  11. What is giving when you are not giving to yourself ?
  12. Some things in life cannot be undone.
  13. Old practices, methods, pathways, attitudes, modes have been exhausted and new ones are in need.
  14. No matter what, be grounded be humble be gentle. Our opinions are not the most important.
  15. Learn from children, they are our teachers.
  16. Transform. Transform, TRANSFORM. Use every opportunity to practice this.
  17. Awareness is of utmost importance. Continue to work on Mindfulness.
  18. Imprints. There are too many imprints in each and everyone of us. We live in our reality projected from these lived past that we do not have enough awareness about and reacts from these past circumstances.
  19. Healing and breaking through to stop repeating cycles.

In spite of it all, I am immensely thankful and in awe of 2018 and its teachings. If I ever veered off, all of the teachings above helped set priorities in place, humbling you in the process of it all and calling out a deepest reverence for life and to honour and believe its processes.

And with this, with the brand new 2019, I sincerely ask for courage, patience, wisdom, creativity and a solid good heart of gold filled with a lot of love, that will be with me every moment of the way, so as to support me in arriving at novel and never before perspectives, create new attitudes and habits, creative modes and a new order or new systems that will provide a safe nurturing loving space for everyone to co-create and experience freedom———-so as to express their light. And in there, realise the magic they are.

May we be always always protected, healed, helped and richly blessed and guided by our light, by our guardian angels and the divine.

Thank you for all you have brought me 2018. As I read my previous posts, I get inspirations all over again—- such as:

-Every step is a step forwards,

-We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices. When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck.

-calm mind: The dalai lama says that inner peace n calm is the key to a healthy body. He drew a parallel between calmness immunity. If u r calm n had this inner peace, nothing could rock u however big or small.

– life is more of an improvisation than it is like a play whose lines have already been written, whose end is already known. Like an improviser, we have choices to make and the more we embrace the illusionary quality of the performance, the lighter we can be on the planet, on others, and on ourselves.

-When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise. We can also cultivate this awareness in ourselves gently, by simply making surrender a daily practice. At the end of our meditation, we might bow, saying, “I surrender to this life.” We can give in to our fear and anxiety, or we can surrender to this great mystery with courage.

It is our response to those circumstances that will dictate the nature of our experiences. At the heart of every transformation, no matter how chaotic, there is substance. When we no longer resist change and instead regard it as an opportunity to grow, we find that we are far from helpless in the face of it. Our role as masters of our own destinies is cemented when we choose to make change work in our favor. Yet before we can truly internalize this power, we must accept that we cannot hide from the changes taking place all around us. To make change work for you, look constructively at your situation and ask yourself how you can benefit from the transformation that has taken place. As threatening as change can seem, it is often a sign that a new era of your life has begun. If you reevaluate your plans and goals in the days or weeks following a major change, you will discover that you can adapt your ambition to the circumstances before you and even capitalize on these changes. Optimism, enthusiasm, and flexibility will aid you greatly 

As we move towards a new beginning, I give thanks for the opportunity to welcome this new dawn and the times it will bring me.

I have no doubt that this in itself is already a blessing. We have to do our best to make good this opportunity. Breathe well, eat well, keep well, feel well be well. And use every opportunity to practise the dharma and its teachings.

I thank all my guardian angels who have helped me reach here, including my teacher who has always listened and supported with kind advice.

May all sentient beings be well and happy. May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes. May all sentient beings be free from suffering and its causes. May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrow less bliss. May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, be free from anger, hatred and share compassion for all other beings.

May the new beginning inspire us with lots of light and love. Let there be creativity, open mindedness, magnanimity, flexibility, optimism, may we all have boundless courage to pursue what we believe in, may there be favourable conditions to support our healing and development. May we all experience pure joy, wonder, freedom, happiness, wherever you are. May 2019 be magic.

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Understanding This

我还是有许多的不明白和不知所措。

12月31日,整理blog,发现了沁芝的许多——沁芝曾经是那么的宝贝。怎么事情会变成这样?就因为长大了吗?

以前的几乎每一个blog entry,都是写给沁芝的。有了沁芝以后,我什么都告诉她。就像是我内心的朋友,什么都要跟沁芝说。包括自己最不堪不安的一面,都要老实禀报。我的喜怒哀乐。我的痛苦挑战。blog里头有生命最甜美的小事,也有和daddy意见不合的投诉种种。全部都让沁芝知道。

比如我说过这样的话——早在2011年,我说深深向沁芝鞠躬,因为mommy没有为沁芝的到来做好心理准备,心里的不安也许让沁芝难过了。小时候不在有mommy的情况下成长,所以也觉得沁芝没有mommy在身边也是可以应付的。

我写说:“我要教导沁芝,乐观、坚强、勇敢。我必须先乐观坚强勇敢。”

然后呢?每天的每天当中,失去了对这些承诺的把握。慢慢的,失去了自己的想法执着。割舍掉和沁芝的时间。我看到了我的自私, 我重视自己多于选择为沁芝好的选择。比如我选择工作,由姨姨婆婆照顾沁芝。我可以理解,这是因为我自己的童年使然。我的童年在奶妈家,没有妈妈的日子里成长,不晓得有妈妈的样子。沁芝就是在教我,唤醒我的这一点。w

我看到我写,“Dear Qinzhi,Do not forget how special u r. When u were as young as 26 mths n attended kindermusik , u were always non conforming like other children. You would not sit with mummy or daddy whilst other children did. You always had a mind of your mind. Bravely go for what you want. What do you want? Remember not to give those up easily, because you r so so special.”

但是现在的沁芝总是被割舍。有了皓皓以后,投入工作以后,一点一点割舍给她的时间和空间————于是她也学习到割舍掉自己。

2010年我生日,“今年最好的一份礼物就是沁芝叫:“妈妈”。ah hui阿姨说,沁芝前一天才会叫的。

昨天看着一张张沁芝的照片,很甜美,很甜美。看着,总是感动。我问自己,要如何守护这个家?让它像是沁芝的笑这么幸福?
这么甜美?这么美好?
让沁芝安心、稳定?还是必须从发自内心的宁静开始。要让沁芝在最健康的环境下成长、欢笑?大人内心必须先健康、安宁。

但是我只说却做不够。

另一天我写————“今天沁芝看着mummy,凑过来,时而把脸凑过来贴近我的脸,双手绕过mummy的颈项抱抱、亲亲。谢谢你,我的宝贝。”

真相就是这样。尽管沁芝给我带来那么多,我给的还是不够。这一年来,沁芝每天都写我爱你的纸条和卡片—Mommy I Love You。非常非常非常非常渴望得到我的注意和疼爱。我都没有听到她的声音。

这是一件连我自己也不太明白的事情。写给沁芝的点滴,感情都那么的真实动人。但为什么我还是不够爱沁芝呢?就因为沁芝来的太突然吗?还是还有什么其他的原因啊?有什么其他我还不明白的?和我自己和母亲怀我的时候有关吗?妈妈懂我吗?听到我吗?

拉开记忆。我自己小时候和妈妈和记忆是空白的。我唯一想到的是,孩子都是模仿的动物,所以我我们都会用所知的那一套去运用于生活。我妈妈是这样在爱我对吧?

——————也是把我放在奶妈家。我没有留长发。没有各种如同其他女孩那样,飘逸多彩的裙子、花俏的链子耳环。都是简朴的。

那是我妈妈的做法和风格。可能也取决于当时的生活条件,我可以明白那是她为了工作养活我们,于是承继下来。毫无疑问没有思考地承继下来。然后有了沁芝之后也以我所知的那样去重复。

小时候的我也喜欢留长发的,也喜欢其他小女生那样恨女生的发饰、裙子、包包。但没有也不觉得没什么大不了。但是沁芝不一样。沁芝就是让我知道,她和我不一样,我不能让、要求别人跟我一样,必须去照顾别人的想法和感受。必须这样自己突破。

现在长大了可以理解当时生活不容易,但我不存在于妈妈的年代,我其实是完全有能力放弃工作照顾孩子的。只是我没有那么选择。没有那么选择也不是错,只是要如何在这当中,继续爱护守护沁芝。给她空间去诠释、开拓自己。

回头看这一切,非常明了大局、前因如何把我们推向这样的后果。我就是这样一步步毫无怀疑地走向这里的。因为历史、因为过去、因为一切的一切滚动推力。

但是我也看到我们可以做很多事。才不至于让女儿重复我们。我看到我们可以一起用一家人的力量整顿生命,非常宝贵的生命。去改变我们习以为常、根深蒂固的态度做法。

这件事要我们做的,真真切切就是去uproot已经不受用、不能够serve我们的逻辑系统。一家人去创造新的可能性、新的途径。

这几天一直处在担忧、害怕当中。我可以做的,就是学习面对,去完全接受。如同仁波切说的那样————尝试与它做朋友。然后依循着这件事去观察、探索、去改变,去转化,创造新的条例和秩序。帮助我自己,也帮助我们一家人。

如同老师所说,就是要先康复自己。觉知一切,突破一切,取得崭新的视角,去创造新的局面和可能性。这是一次破裂和深刻的重塑、再造机会。尝试各种以前没有尝试的,去试探去探索。有许多的可能性。

我想我可以。一步一步。跟着直觉,内心。

May the divine and my guardian angels, support me greatly and guide me each and every step of the way. May we all receive healing and love, May the creative spark be always with me to intuitively create new possibilities and a new tender loving energy. For myself, my kids, my family and the world.

And one more thing———–Be happy! Because all this, life, is so precious.

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Mary Bowens

dont make it happen, let it happen.

pilates is a way of living,

its a journey

,it is part of u. u think abt your body naturally and u grow into it.

on her teacher joseph pilates, she says he has this doggedness, that is awe inspiring. from 1926 to 1967, he repeated the same thing, day after day. he has this resolve to make the whole world healthier, he wanted to let the world know about pilates. he had a singular focus, and he didnt care about anything else.

i havent known any man who was like that in my life.

in a sentence, pilates is a way of relating to the body that embraces the whole body at once and encourages strengthening of flexibility, addressing symmetry.in the right structure, there will not be problems and aches in the body. and pilates adds alignment more than any other excercise. in every excercise, whole body is involved, toes knows, whole body knows, head knows, everything is v integrated.

people use too little of the body. you need to open up the range in your body, there should be a lifelong commitment to the health of your body.

there is so much more endurance and flexibility in my body now.

deepest goal in my psyche is to journey to the bottom of my own consciousness.that place is the most important place.

i was someone who didnt know how to sit down, i was totally active, so i learned to sit down and to be quiet.

to be passive is to be female. to be active is to b male.

and the truth is, we have a male consciousness in us females, that is why we are so much more hyperactive than males. there’ll be a big fight because if you do not let that, than u diminish the female side. its hard to tame that.

so when u learn to do nothing, you are more yourself.

the body led me into the depth of my journey, body was the teacher, everything becomes lighter in nature.

its not true that with age, everything shrinks. when i was 75, the spine was taking over most of the work, and as i watched it go far out, i realise, that’s the cat! i released the spine.we have that capacity! we can go very long if we get out of the head and let the body show us. that means a lot of life!

it is a life adventure to work with the body, all parts of it, its the way to grow yourself and grow instinctively. theres so much value in it. and go as deep as can u can go,

its not about the ego running a show, go further by inviting the body to open.

on the breath:

best breath is the yawn, its whole , superior and natural.

in my 30s, i spend 3hrs infront of a mirror and i couldnt yawn, later on, i realised that its the release in the body that produces the yawn. then i started to learn to breathe. and never stop it. dont cover it, in fact u need to advertise it. we are not doing enough!

it unlocks the tension in the body.

half of my life, i held my breath.

on death,

sometimes u think you conk out and its unfair,. so i always look for the next something, dont box yourself in.

but the next thing to happen is to die.

and it will be the new thing for each of us. that made peace with me.

steve jobs was the one who dies totally conscious. and the only 2 words he said as he approched death was,

wow. wow

and i thought, thats not bad, thats not bad at all.

philosophy of life

tips-

1)ground your whole body. when u r tired, u tend to sink and u dont feel well.then get your body in a lift.

lighten up by pulling yourself up, lift, and feel light to be right

you want to be in your core, because thats the engine that will keep you light.

2)flex your little toes, focus, try.

3)Sit on the edge of the chair

4)horse neighs on the inhale but we speak on the exhale, if you learn to neigh like the horse,

its so deep that it lifts you up and brings you up, all through the trunk. and all done on air.

5)talk to the body to work with it, the conscious is part of it, u cant be here to do without it, there has to be gratitude to the body, in terms of mindset and attitude, you learn how to make your body better.

start by moving anywhere you like, when somewhere hurts, you got a problem, explore what makes it not hurt.

6)cat poses in bed to relax spine

7)lying in bed, pull kness to chest

8)look right n left to release stiffness in head

9)stretch legs

10)get your body to stretch

stretches are wonderful, do all sorts of things to open up your body and the sides

climb up the wall with your fingers, go up on your toes,

why not use them?

dont make anything happen, dont try to make it happen. allow it to happen.

There’s something in the body, its looking within yourself to find yourself when you work with your consciousness. And after 56 years of having the mind with the body, i m still constantly checking myself.

on life/aging,

keep developing yourself in what you choose to do, you will be a gift to the world .its not how much money you make,

be totally engaged, know what you are about.

go deeper, what you find is your mission.

its surely to love, and not b afriad.

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Healing XXXXXv

Teacher specially made time for me even if it were a last minute call to him. And I understood why. I cannot say how miraculous it was but he told me it was because he had been through my path.

His daughter suffered from epilepsy at 4, he quit his job and went on to discover for himself all sorts of healing methods he could apply for his precious one. He says, “My daughter is my teacher and the reason why I m here today. In this healing practice, because as I worked on her, i discovered and began to work this on more people. She had a big attack at age 4, then alls good for one year. Then another one one year later, then it became more frequent. But the medication had a lot of side effects so i took a bolder way, she did not use medications, but by age 8 she was doing well and now she’s recovered.”

Wow.

I have seen him for 55 sessions, is that the reason why I have been seeing him.

Like a bigger hand that has a plan and is guiding me to it? Or, was I the planner——-How did everything get its place? How did i come to this position, or how did my family members and love ones find theirs in the now?

We approach not knowing.

I told teacher about Qinzhi’s seizure, and the big one she had on 27th December when we were holidaying. She woke up really angry and having mood swings. I handed her ningxia red and got her to drink, and she got really sore and let out, “why every morning like that?”

We asked her about this. Like what? we probed. Her brother was clearer, “Mommy, you always ask us what we want, but in the end, you gave us what you want.” But Qinzhi chose to keep quiet. She didn’t say or couldn’t say. She was struggling emotionally and she could not handle and the big seizure happened. I find her at the toilet dazed and not responding. We carried her to the bed. She vomitted out all the things she drank and remained to have impaired awareness not responding to us. Her dad cried and she could still wipe a tear off his face. But still remains in her world. I did not find this right and he carried her down and we drove sent her to the nearest hospital 20 min away. In the car, we kept rubbing her toes and talking to her, i sprayed mist on her and she responded, her hair fell and she responded. But she just did not say.

Did not say anything. Pinched her and got her round, she said ouch and gradually came to. But was afraid knowing we are sending her to hospital.

I told teacher about all this.

I told teacher Qinzhi was what Daddy and myself had after a 10 year relationship , after mom, uncle, his mom, passed away all in a very dramatic way. Through those years, we were together learning to patch our life back using what little mindfulness we had, we fumbled and made our way—on hindsight, really with blessings from above. Then we applied and got our house, and planned for marriage, that was when we discovered we had Qinzhi, after a korea trip —-some 5 months before before the day we were suppose to get married.

With a marriage certificate.

I was fixated on steps. I was educated to. You had to do this before you do that. You had to follow this and definitely DO something before you could arrive at that.

You had to get a marriage certificate before you are legally married and have a baby.

It was societal. If you did not follow, you were sort of the lesser crowd. AT that time. Also my tribe was big, my extended family was a big one and everyone was about getting things right. If not it was frowned upon and discussed on the side. If not, you risk the criticism and disfavour of grandmother.

It was like that.

And I had been a good student obeying all the rules all the while.

Only this time.

Yet Qinzhi is letting me discover the wonder of joy and magic in life. Of a blossoming. Of all the little and big things in life. Qinzhi led me on to wonders after wonders, morphing me into completeness along the way.

Now i look back, it was after giving birth to Qinzhi, that i started my healing journey. I blossomed I morphed.

But i was not able to cross that point when i conceived, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, i didnt knew how to take this news, Mom was already not here then. It was my nanny who knew first and started cooking for me.

Teacher listened and said, “So now can you already accept this?”

I honestly still feel that I have not resolved this, logically it looks really silly how these norms and watertight rules should override the precious magic of life. Silly, laughable, ignorance.

But truly i was under the spell of this.

And now I m writing, perhaps this was my way of rejecting or refusing and rebutting of those “norms” I was subconsciously not agreeable to. I wanted to challenge those. So I went against the tide having Qinzhi.

Teacher says, “Qinzhi can feel all this. Being not welcomed enough. For beings who feel this way, they become closed up in their own system and their own world. Like a defence mechanism.”

I asked what I can do about this.

Strangely I been having this feeling about reading my blog to her. When I discovered my pregnancy.

Teacher suggested this method called metamorphosis. Its putting your hands into a butterfly shape, recounting the time i was pregnant and moving and working with the pulsations at the points the fingers connected. Working on this for 10 days, 1 day represents one month.

Very nicely, he says that I can let him know when i start so he can support me.

I told him, Qinzhi has been a guiding teacher in my life. She kickstarted me to adulthood and my learning journey as a person. When I had panic attacks, and had to bring her to the music lessons, it was her hand that held on to mine to give me energy. But now, her hands are cold and limp. Her hands were always warm and full of energy. But in return for giving, we scolded her badly.

We gave her what she didnt want. We gave her what we want. We did not listen to her. We did not hear. We did not take heed and take care of her. We could not appreciate her heart and the voice there. We did not respond to her. Her pleas or her refusals to follow us. She just continued to take that. We did not see her at all. And now in her seizures she doesn’t listen or respond to us.

And I know realise this LACK OF RESPONSE IS HER LOUDEST RESPONSE.

Teacher explained Qinzhi’s epilepsy to me, “because she said and you did not take heed, you did not hear. So Qinzhi has chosen this path to make you listen.”

“She has chosen this pathway to subject herself to this to make you sit up and listen. You can not ignore this or subject her to hurt anymore. Help her find her light and become the light and wonder she wants. Not what you want.”

Teacher also cautioned us on a few things. That when the seizure happened, adults are in shock too.

“And so we need to take cake of this as well. When adults are worried about the next attack—-you portray and create an energy field and more often then not, it leads to the subsequent attacks.”

“We have to be very mindful about this and there are things we can do.”

“Turning eyeballs. Rightwards 3 times and leftwards many times. Rightwards you times, imagine yourself in a time machine, and pushing a button gets you back in time to the time the seizure happens. When you are there, the eyeballs go leftwards. To release the energy of the incident.

Be creative about this. You can change things by changing or breaking the energy pattern in the fifth dimension. Now that you are in a safe position and turning your eyeballs leftwards, you can see clearly the situation then. How would you react? Visualise and use your imagination. Would you react the same way? Or would you give Qinzhi a gentle hug? You will see her eyes shine. Or if your husband and son is there, all of you can hug her. Doing this is creating a new pattern a new energy and this will impact the energy now and here.”

ReWRITING. ReWIRING.ReBOOTING.

There is a lot of comfort you find in —-being able to address something which has passed. Like the least and at the same time the most you can do.

Teacher also taught about the helpfulness on massaging the spine to remove blockages in there which could affect clarity and our nervous system.

Teacher also cautioned us that we should not quarrel in front of kids because they do not know how to handle and process. “Like Qinzhi says, when she’s going to have seizure she feels like she cannot handle it. Kids cannot handle. So you and and your husband has to have a contract, how do you handle or manage differences? You have to sort that out. But NO—not infront of kids.”

“For every child, he or she looks for a nurturing mother and a protective father. When you had panic attacks, you had to be away, Qinzhi has to find protection in her father too to establish close relationships with you, and subsequently this will affect her as she starts to establish her relationship with the world.”

He also encourages us to look deep within —-in fact the first step would be exploring and putting in place and moulding our relationship as husband and wife, to achieve to sense of deeper bonding and understanding, a better cohesion of our relationship and changing things from within before we can address and make changes to our relationship with Qinzhi.

I told Teacher that I was trying to digest this along the way.

That day in Tasmania, it was winter solstice. That day i saw a FB post on one of my friend’s page and it read—-Read that Winter Solstice is a reminder to let everything go and begin again. Not just on 22 Dec but on any given day, any given moment. Winter Solstice is both the darkest day and the return of light. It is when things are darkest that light is about to return. It is the deepest part of night that the new day begins.

How poetic how right. No wonder the old folks always say, winter solstice is like the new year and we have the tradition of eating tangyuan or circle shaped dumplings on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Everyday in Tasmania, we drove past majestic mountains and land masses which opened up to the sun. That winter solstice day in Tasmania, as the kids slept in the car, I looked at the sheer vastness, the mountains the trees the openness and the tears just flow.

Life is so big.

The understanding is a bit different now. Its not that of having to succumb but that of reverence, respect and a humbling that comes with this new understanding of life that sent these tears of appreciation. It’s realisation and perception, a very powerful one. Seeing this allows you to put alot of things in pespective and to trust the process. Its not letting go but trusting the work and the underlying hand. And that’s when we can rest with the flow, ride with it and COCREATE.

I also thought about transformation. And using this as an opportunity to change and alter deep seated arrangements and practices, melting away things thoughts attitudes feelings emotions ways of life that do not work anymore.

Seeing this is amazing, its the practice that Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche has put in place these few years.

I also see the transient nature of life. In our last session, I remember telling Teacher that we can prepare for certain things. But apparently, not at much as we would like to.

I have never felt life so precious in a long while. Or appreciate its fleeting nature so greatly. The last was probably mom’s, uncle’s, auntie’s death as it loomed.

We forgot about appreciating the idea of impermanence in life, even if it was so true so real.

And I shared with Teacher that I also see this as a blossom or a ripening of sorts. That when conditions are present, or ripe, a fruit and flower blossoms. And learning to embrace this and letting down our preconceived notions about what should or should not why this and why not.

More importantly, the change has to come from within. He says, “For Qinzhi who is closed up, how do you breakthrough that? You have to address the close systems within you, you have to open up and change within yourself your old ways, so that she can see this happening to you to inspire her change and transformation.”

Teacher also shared about sharing important information with kids when they are most relaxed. That is when you are about to drift into sleep and the subconscious mind comes up to receive information. Understanding this can let us better use this precious time to transmit and send information to our kids.

“Look at this positively, and you can use this opportunity to transform.”

I asked Teacher how do i say goodbye to 2018?

He thought for a while, “by letting everything go back to Mother Earth, this grounding sense of energy, and renewing with her in her presence. When you let go, there is renewing of energy.”

And welcoming the new 2019?

“Welcoming Qinzhi back into your life and welcoming 2019 can be in tandem. If I were you, I will give her a big hug and say to her, how how how precious she is to you and the family.”

I told Teacher, if this is the time I should stop my work and come back to my family, it seemed to be the thing to do, to make myself feel better. But i also thought i want to put up a fight for this, to continue my work but adjust my time so that i show up for my kids at home when they are back from school. Teacher ‘s advice is, “Your work is your life, its how you concrete and gets inspired by life and inspire. I certainly do not see that quitting is the appropriate thing to do. But SURELY, showing up and listening to your kids and seeing who they are and changing within you to break down old systems and modes.”

I cannot say how powerful this teaching —-this teaching of life is. The work i have done in my professional field has been preparing for me to address my own. When i offer myself to the interview, to the newsmaker, to the chefs, i listen intently and with all of my heart. And I find out their light and put it in videos.

But I haven’t really offered my presence to my Qinzhi, the one who has taught me so much and kickstarted my healing journey to understanding life.

How can my works be sincere if I do not show up for Qinzhi and listen to her being.

And all these healing sessions, these 55 sessions of them, is truly powerful because I unlocked so much and found so many messages that gave me deep insightful understanding of how life works.

Most of all, teacher taught me about listening and offering his presence to me. Or to my soul development. And I think this is truly truly valuable truly precious. He taught by way of example. And I m very inspired to take the cue and do this for my Qinzhi.

To myself and my life, to truly listen to voices and let it shine.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

0

5 yrs 11 mths

亲爱的怀皓,你长高了。很快的,就要K2了。有一天你说:“Mommy,when I go to Primary 1, can you buy me a smiggle bag?Because my bag now is too small.” 

最近皓皓很喜欢做课外作业,似乎也学得相当快。懂得也很多。

这一天,Dandelyn姐姐出嫁了。皓皓扮演开车门的角色,早上4点多就起床。然后在姐姐的婚礼上,还写了祝语。

皓皓很喜欢自己设计小玩具,比如这个就是可以套在手上的badge。然后会有角色扮演。Mommy很喜欢皓皓沁芝这样,去设想去设计,去用自己的方式去圆自己心里的想法。不会因为现实中的缺少,屈就,妥协。

两人把之前画给舅舅的画包起来,要mommy拿到公司去送给舅妈。不只是找出适合的纸袋,还设想周到,多了一层的包盖,方便提携。

这些都是皓皓的作品。最近皓皓开始写书。好可爱好童趣,稚趣的作品。很阳光。

带姐姐去理发后,在乌节路上看到漂亮的圣诞装饰,皓皓说——要拍照。

皓皓看到mommy教姐姐angles,似乎也学会一点。皓皓就是有这点小聪明,而且懂得聆听。其实聆听是非常重要的本领。是人生当中很需要的。懂得聆听自己,才能聆听他人。聆听生命。一次皓皓看见Mommy教沁芝数学,皓皓提醒:“mommy it may be easy to u but it’s not easy for others!”                      比如皓皓看mommy教姐姐,教到自己好气,问皓皓——is mommy upset? 皓皓点点头。问他为什么?他说:“because you are worried about my face and 姐姐 ‘s study。” 皓皓都看在眼里,听进去了。

最爱是Mommy从香港回来,凌晨一点多了,皓皓居然醒来,然后在床上等mommy,然后一如往常亲亲,抚摸我的脸。我们在床上的谈话,好温暖。希望皓皓会记得。

从香港回来,知道姐姐有seizure,听皓皓说了一些,皓皓很害怕,一边玩电脑,一边听发生什么事。然后听大家说,不要让姐姐睡着。皓皓说,怕姐姐晕了。不知道幼小心灵如何消化这个突发事件。

从香港回来的晚上,马上安排了隔天的专科求诊,然后和daddy去了Isetan,因为答应了小瓜要买圣诞礼物送给两人。

隔天,带姐姐去看医生,确定无大碍之后,按照计划,带大家去曼谷隔天和大伙去曼谷。如常————原来是一件多么幸福的事情。

和阿姨婆婆舅妈阿嬷,lyn姐姐ah boon舅舅、davina姐姐,还有小小的archer一起出游。真的是非常 非常难得的一件事。亲爱的宝贝,希望你会记得。

在曼谷,我们去了四面佛那儿敬礼。带皓皓绕一圈之后,皓皓说,i want to talk to the buddha.

问皓皓,what did you say to the buddha?

“I ask the buddha to bless everyone in pasir ris and redhill.”

宝贝,wish you well, wish you well, may you be well and happy!


0

9 Years 10 months

亲爱的沁芝

前往香港公干的时候,我看着外头的蓝天想起你了。
沁芝知道吗?你是我人生的第一个老师,教、叫我无条件地给的老师。是沁芝在我需要的时候给我力量,总是记得沁芝手心滑溜溜的温柔温暖。
有时是听到沁芝甜甜的声音。

沁芝叫mommy,沁芝的眼神或者沁芝跑过来抱抱亲近我,一下子就让我柔软了下来。把我融化。其他一切自然变模糊。
这些都是人生最美丽动人最重要的小时刻。

但是Mommy都不懂得听。

从香港澳门第二次公干回来,知道沁芝在几天前突然发生seizure,入院了。

回来后听见这一切,整个人错乱。星期天傍晚,沁芝在吃晚餐,吃到一半,发呆不动。大伙儿吓呆了。不停叫沁芝。婆婆说,沁芝还能听到,并且点头说是咽着,婆婆叫沁芝吃饭,沁芝还能勺饭吃。但后来舅妈让沁芝把食物吐出来,然后沁芝就软下来了。马上叫救护车把沁芝送到KKH。一天后出院,然后医生做了EEG的扫描后发现,沁芝的左脑出现spikes。医生建议做MRI的扫描。

我的沁芝,怎么会?几天前好好的。

马上安排看专科医生,隔天早上9点钟,然后安排MRI。当天早上,沁芝又出现多一次seizure。沁芝去房间拿玩具熊,结果站在那里不动,过了一会儿才回过神来。之后赶去机场和婆婆姨姨会和。2点钟,医生打电话来说,扫描一切正常,沁芝开始服用药物控制seizure。

不知道如何消化这个。

想到沁芝最需要mommy的时候,mommy不在沁芝身边。沁芝害怕的时候,mommy也不在。

去看whatsapp,沁芝星期二问我:“Hi mum ! What time you come back tomorrow  

[10:26 AM, 12/11/2018] Ah Hui: 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🤗😪🗣🗣🧜🏻‍♀👗🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🐲🌺🥀🥀🌷🌷💐
[10:26 AM, 12/11/2018] Ah Hui: 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐”

结果我说“4pm dear。r u done with your work?”

沁芝说:“Love you。I got do”

看着这些想起考试的时候如何和沁芝做功课,很懊恼、悔恨。沁芝考试的时候,没有按照约定做温习,晚上下班回来,mommy生气说:“沁芝why do you do this to me?” 带皓皓去看中医,结果也在那里教沁芝做补充。就是在公公的车上,mommy也竭斯底里。

到储藏室找东西,看到沁芝在课外补充上写的都是“沁芝❤️妈妈”

对于一个这么爱我的人,我能说的都是功课吗?都是做作业?就是——你为什么要这样对我?

我不能想象沁芝心里是怎么想的。可能是地震的感觉一样吧。一个9岁的孩子怎么面对这样的问题。

沁芝会这样想吗?what did i do to mommy?i only loved her. Yongjuan阿姨说:“Just my personal opinion, Could be too much of suppression , or too much of worries n thinking , or running away from certain thing in life n manifest in such way “ mind going blank “”

沁芝从小到大都没有做过什么自己真的喜欢的事。都是取得大人的同意和认同,如果自己想的和大人的不同,就说sorry或者压抑自己。也不会为自己争取什么。弟弟要什么沁芝也总是给给给让让让。

沁芝没有一把自己的声音。

那天在公公的车里,daddy问沁芝,要不要留长发?沁芝点点头说:“but mommy say must pass exams”

我吓了一跳,自己的话,在孩子心里这么重。

daddy在我回来、跟我说这一切之后,哭了。不想沁芝失望不想沁芝难过,所以压根儿也要按照计划旅行,那时候还没去看专科医生、还没去照MRI。daddy说:“are we too harsh to qinzhi?”

我说是的。我们都不知道怎么去听沁芝去爱沁芝。没有好好去爱沁芝。所幸有婆婆姨姨。

突如其来的情况让我们乱了阵脚,尝试在忙乱中摸索,然后按照原来的计划去旅行。这旅行太太太太太太太珍贵。从天而降。

感谢有这个机会。

给沁芝相机,让沁芝拍拍照

婆婆阿姨就像是沁芝的守护神。那么爱她。感谢沁芝有这两位守护神。在daddy mommy不懂得爱沁芝的时候,这样爱护沁芝疼惜沁芝。

这是前些时候,带沁芝去理发。理发的小姐说,沁芝的头皮比较油,需要照顾好才能留长发。还有沁芝需要梳头发,不让头发打结,容易断。

Dandelyn姐姐结婚,沁芝当花童。那天沁芝说她兴奋得无法入睡,crazy了。

我的沁芝那么多标致。

最近在香港有点时间,想到沁芝了。想到小时候到现在,好像都是在为了达到妈妈的期许,不断拼。不觉的也这样在要求沁芝。但是原来我不需要做什么,也是妈妈的孩子。————就像沁芝,不需要做什么,也是我的孩子一样。

宝贝爱吃鳝鱼。带沁芝去吃日本料理。小妞全部吃完。

接着去乌节路散步逛街。小瓜最爱圣诞节的乌节路。

这是沁芝写的。还有下面沁芝画的ipad

19/12

沁芝9岁10个月这一天,早上又出现短暂的seizure

daddy说,我们要沁芝吃早餐,但沁芝不愿意。内心挣扎

所以出现了这样的现象

看着窗外景色

忧伤还是从心底爬上来

可能很久了没有对生命的稍纵即逝有那么深的感觉

抱着两个宝贝,不觉就红了眼眶。

跟沁芝说,可以一家四口出来游玩是很难得的机会。真的很开心。特别是沁芝这么stone了一下,更觉得非常的宝贵

但是难过的是,想到沁芝会stone

为什么呢?沁芝听着听着哭了。

我说,沁芝是mommy的第一个baby

以前mommy没有做过妈妈。

尽管尝试,还是不会。但是沁芝就是老师。开口说喜欢不喜欢,妈妈才会懂得听。

期间,沁芝好难过好委屈。哭着就是说不出。

问沁芝,是不是心里生气?气mommy?她说是。

是不是frustrated是不是painful沁芝点点头。

跟沁芝说——对不起沁芝,请你原谅。

原来给心爱的人造成伤害,这么这么的让人懊悔。原来有机会说对不起有机会把之前做不好做不对的事情再做一次是这样的难得

鼓励沁芝说出心里话,释放心里压抑的心情。她慢慢的做到了。

她说,很frustrated mommy,不让她留长发

很frustrated daddy,因为daddy老是拿她不会的习题要她做

很frustrated怀皓,因为皓皓总是让她生气

mommy说,心里的痛,我们尝试一起面对。把心里的痛画出来,释放掉,折成小船,让它流走。

皓皓一直在一旁听,拿纸巾擦拭我们三个的脸。但是听到姐姐说皓皓让她难过,他也很难过。

他说:“I m v sad but I know she’s going to say me last”

皓皓说看见妈妈、姐姐难过他会很sad

他说:“I will protect you , daddy will also protect you”

今天看到Tergar的电邮,说

The holiday season is a time for joy, generosity, and connecting with family and friends. However, the holidays aren’t always so merry. Life unfolds in ways we don’t expect, or don’t want, and we might experience stress, sadness, or any range of difficult emotions.

This needn’t be cause for alarm. As practitioners, difficult situations can be our greatest opportunity for practice. By cultivating appreciation and gratitude, difficult situations can become the means by which we recognize the natural openness and compassion that exist within us.

仿佛仁波切就在看守我们

问daddy,是不是我错了,他说不是。daddy说,事情发生了,就要积极面对和解决。这不是难过和让情绪占领的时候。我们还有很多可以做的事情,帮助沁芝。

比如培养愉快的能够帮助她的脑电波。

于是他让沁芝开车。

让沁芝开心开怀。鼓励她。

亲爱的宝贝,我们会一起努力。刚刚和弟弟说,要想办法让姐姐敞开。皓皓说,可以把心里的画面画出来

之前在车上,他不断鼓励姐姐,说话说话。

亲爱的宝贝,委屈你了。辛苦你了。但我们会努力,调整饮食起居,让你康复。

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