I know that feeling all too well
Like some invisible strength that has seeped thru a weakness or a fault in my body n overtakes me n my spirit
Pains n pins in the chest
lack of energy n strength
It started when I first read abt an ex colleague’s mother who was taken down by viral infection n went thru a crisis in hospital in the days leading up to chinese new year
A feeling of fear gripped me then
And that feeling followed me, in the midst it went up n down with news of her mom’s condition
It brought back alot of feelings or rather, this showed to me whatever feelings that were still lingering in me
Feelings of fear n anxiety
Helplessness as I prayed for her n her family
It also made me cherish my cny alot, whether it were a reunion dinner, the dishes i ate or meeting relatives
Then when news of her mom improving came, there was immense relief
I was happy not all cases r like mine,i mean I lost my mother to viral attack
But there also arose feelings of resentment n anger
Why can’t my mother b saved?
What went wrong?
There were strong feelings of what went wrong n where
Who to blame?
And that strength told me how strongly I still was holding on to mummy’s demise
How much still wasn’t resolved n digested
But I remember telling art teacher yen, that I have been feeling much better/comfortable with mom not here now
Like of late when I meet with dilemmas
I will always ask in my heart: what mum would say to me?
i liked that “relationship”
It feels like I have achieved some sort of harmony or balance in a way
I feel happy with myself For having come to that balance, even though i took ten years
But my fren’s episode brought me into encounter with some deepseated feelings
On hindsight I know i needed this encounter so it came this way
I m thankful for this chance to resolve some deeper feelings
The second issue that grilled me was qinzhi daddy’s anger
He said he was unhappy about what qinzhi had to go thru at nanny’s house, including having to bear with cigarette smoke
His words were that, he could do nothing abt those smoke n if only I could take care of qinzhi , those wouldn’t exist
I felt an instant bolt of anger listening to this, it brought back all my anger or resentment towards him
He sounded like I m the cause of all the problems
I m to blame
and i find it so unfair
we did not plan well together, n we did not work out our finances till last year.
i find it so unfair becoz because i wasn’t being understood, we all learn as we grow, we all learn act changing priorities and we made decisions based on what was best available or to make the best choice out of what is available based on then conditions of wisdom/considerations
we came this way because of each n every step we took.
n i say, we
not him or I
but his words hurt: I,you n all the blame
Hearing those words connected n reminded me that the bulk of my stress came from him n his unbending wishes of me
I feel like there is a heavy lid on me
Pressing down on me
Feels like I m confined n boxed up
Feels like I can’t breathe
I hate that feeling.
I hate having to listen or abide by others’ wishes. and especially so when that wish/want came strong such that i have no space to maneuver my way around
All over again,
I feel angry that he caused me stress n hurt
I m angry that his opinions r so strong n do not allow space for working with others
I m angry that he couldn’t appreciate my reasons/the way i grew up
I m angry that he chose to c the cigarette smoke qinzhi was taking but not the amount of love n care qinzhi received at nanny’s place
I m angry that he couldn’t c how difficult it would b for me to take qinzhi away fr nanny
my anger came back double triple
Most of all what I couldn’t take was the way he wanted his way. by force. by himself, not us arriving at it together.
霸道is the word
and it makes me even more cautious when i make my decision.
i tell myself to be as objective as i can, not to bow down to him, but only to make the decision only when i m sure.
i want to make a decision which gives me happiness n more freedom not less.
And when i do not have the financial independence, that freedom will b even more limited.
i just need time n space to figure these out n to be sure…