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昨天回家,看到肠胃专科HH Tay的信件,说他3月15日要退休了,诊所由另一医生接任。

一开始有些措手不及。

我想到他说,多久以后要进行什么检查等,找什么人好?接任他的医生?

突然有闪现的灵光,告知:他的退休很形象,如从我的生命中走出去一样。随着最近破解、resolve的issues一样,一切搞定了,他也就走了。
他就是在我需要的时候帮助我的
贵人。

告一段落了,他也就自然走出我的生命。

谢谢HH Tay。

I really can pick up life from where I left off, 2 yrs back.

Truly, I m thankful for this chance n will make good the time. This time.

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大方向

和中学好朋友shuyan相聚。
开心!
她从台湾回来,不管多久没有见,好像话题总能接上,想法总能接上,所以不会特别想念她,不觉得她去了台湾。
聊着,开始发现、领悟我一次一次在访问中获得的启发,如何一次一次碰到宁愿放弃成功,也要去追随自己真正想法的人的原因。
那是因为我需要(这方面鼓励)所以他们出现了。
如max busser,最近的翡翠集团老板,无不是双手奉上成功人生,去换取挑战,去换来心灵的安心、满足和富足。
都是用金钱、地位、名誉做抵押,来听心里的话,赢取最是自己的自己。
我每次访问这些人,总会勾出他们的这段人生经验,听到他们割舍原有的,去follow their heart,我总是特别能共鸣,总是万分鼓舞,总是觉得很受启发,好像由他们给我注入一些力量

来来去去,换不同故事人物地点

message一样。

我今天发现了这点。

我知道了原因。因为我的内心里也有这样的渴望和想法。自然attract这样的人到生命当中,听他们的经验。
于是,我更加确定了我的大方向。我知道目标在哪里,现在就是顺序渐进,迎向目标。

这么的了解和发现,感觉好好。
我每次有所领悟,会觉得身体沉睡的一部分,苏醒了,开启了。感觉身体里脑子里心里都更加广阔,空间扩大,好像开启了另一度空间。于是,整个人更活络。

但愿心理受阻、背负痛楚的人,都能因为我小小的领悟获得启发,发自内心的、自动自发地开始为自己努力,为周遭努力,然后看到阳光。

om。

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Waiting for Someday. Why Not Now?

January 30, 2012

All the joy and passion you can envision can be yours right now, rather than in a future point in time. The time we are blessed with is limited and tends to be used up all too quickly. How we utilize that time is consequently one of the most important decisions we make.

Yet it is far too easy to put off until tomorrow what we are dreaming of today. The hectic pace of modern existence affords us an easy out; we shelve our aspirations so we can cope more effectively with the challenges of the present, ostensibly to have more time and leisure to realize our purpose in the future.

Or we tell ourselves that we will chase our dreams someday once we have accomplished other lesser goals.

In truth, it is our fear that keeps us from seeking fulfillment in the here and now—because we view failure as a possibility, our reasons for delaying our inevitable success seem sound and rational.

If we ask ourselves what we are really waiting for, however, we discover that there is no truly compelling reason why we should put off the pursuit of the dreams that sustain us.

When regarded as a question, “Why not now?” drains us of our power to realize our ambitions. We are so concerned with the notion that we are somehow undeserving of happiness that we cannot see that there is much we can do in the present to begin courting it. Yet when we look decisively at our existence and state,

“Why not now, indeed!” we are empowered to begin changing our lives this very moment.

We procrastinate for many reasons, from a perceived lack of time to a legitimate lack of self-belief, but the truth of the matter is that there is no time like the present and no time but the present. Whatever we aim to accomplish, we will achieve it more quickly and with a greater degree of efficiency when we seize the day and make the most of the resources we have at our disposal presently.

All the joy, passion, and contentment you can envision can be yours right now, rather than in some far-flung point in time.

You need only remind yourself that there is nothing standing between you and fulfillment. If you decide that today is the day you will take your destiny into your hands, you will soon discover that you hold the keys of fate.

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Yayness

那天看到双彩虹,很开心。

雀跃的感觉。大自然的造作,很奇妙,让内心沸腾了起来。大地在双虹之下,好像是被眷顾的、恩赐的、赞许的。

我不觉地感动起来,有一种深刻的感激。

那感觉很therapeutic。

好像被治愈了。

今天把压抑、埋藏在身体里很深的情绪拿出来了。

跟沁芝daddy谈心底的想法,慢慢的,我的声音开始哽咽,我的情绪开始上来,我可以感觉到身体里翻滚的波浪

还有那一种不像是我的声音的哭声

那就对了。

那些,都是收在里面的想法情绪感觉。

拿出来释放掉就对了。

那些情绪出来之后,有什么告诉我:解决掉了。

原来我的负担如此。那一刻,烟消云散。

轻松许多。

我觉得沟通想法真的很重要。两个人,尽管睡在一张床上,但生活其实是没有交接的。可是以为是连在一起的。

慢慢的,开始不了解,或以为对方了解。

慢慢的,鸿沟产生了。

我觉得我们沟通方面出了问题。没有妥当的计划,这也是一个问题。以前单身,随心所欲。现在有了家庭,计划不可以没有。而且必须是短期、中期、长期的计划都要兼备。

我就是有中短期考量、周全思考才作出我的建议,把沁芝带回来,我们更多地get into the momentum of caring for qinzhi、请奶妈到家来,一方面他们能够休息、看沁芝,一方面我可以再“照顾”他们一些,一方面我可以有些积蓄。

我觉得这是一个帮我转换到full time mummy的一个最理想的过渡期。

我不能说这是最好的安排,但我认为这是一个很open的、并且是在能力范围、照顾到各方面人力、需求的安排,让喜欢、善于做某些事的人继续做喜欢的,与此同时,有一些收入。这个安排很灵活,也需要很多的灵活性,我喜欢这个安排的开放性和容许性,我喜欢它很open ended,允许不同的人在不同的环节可以擦出各种火花。

我觉得这也是我心灵成长的一部分。换作以前,我或许会喜欢一种固定性,牢固性,但现在,我感觉自己更有韧性,可以灵活变通。

我觉得这次的经验很可贵,我学习到做决定的周全性的重要性、必须是照顾到越多人的感受越好。我学习listen to my heart,听清楚心里想法,确定它之后,将心里的转化为现实。半点也不遗漏地translate into reality。过程中,如果可以让许多人因此而开心、有机会改善生活,那更美妙。

yayness,因为我有成长。

变得开阔、成熟、深思、体谅、圆满。

我真的长大了。

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Emotional fatigue

I know that feeling all too well
Like some invisible strength that has seeped thru a weakness or a fault in my body n overtakes me n my spirit
Pains n pins in the chest
Tiredness
being overtaken

lack of energy n strength

It started when I first read abt an ex colleague’s mother who was taken down by viral infection n went thru a crisis in hospital in the days leading up to chinese new year
A feeling of fear gripped me then
And that feeling followed me, in the midst it went up n down with news of her mom’s condition

It brought back alot of feelings or rather, this showed to me whatever feelings that were still lingering in me

Feelings of fear n anxiety
Helplessness as I prayed for her n her family

It also made me cherish my cny alot, whether it were a reunion dinner, the dishes i ate or meeting relatives

Then when news of her mom improving came, there was immense relief
I was happy not all cases r like mine,i mean I lost my mother to viral attack

But there also arose feelings of resentment n anger
Unfairness
Why can’t my mother b saved?
What went wrong?
There were strong feelings of what went wrong n where
Who to blame?

And that strength told me how strongly I still was holding on to mummy’s demise
How much still wasn’t resolved n digested

But I remember telling art teacher yen, that I have been feeling much better/comfortable with mom not here now

Like of late when I meet with dilemmas
I will always ask in my heart: what mum would say to me?

i liked that “relationship”

It feels like I have achieved some sort of harmony or balance in a way

N yes.
I feel happy with myself For having come to that balance, even though i took ten years

But my fren’s episode brought me into encounter with some deepseated feelings

On hindsight I know i needed this encounter so it came this way
I m thankful for this chance to resolve some deeper feelings

The second issue that grilled me was qinzhi daddy’s anger

He said he was unhappy about what qinzhi had to go thru at nanny’s house, including having to bear with cigarette smoke

His words were that, he could do nothing abt those smoke n if only I could take care of qinzhi , those wouldn’t exist

I felt an instant bolt of anger listening to this, it brought back all my anger or resentment towards him
He sounded like I m the cause of all the problems
I m to blame

and i find it so unfair

we did not plan well together, n we did not work out our finances till last year.

i find it so unfair becoz because i wasn’t being understood, we all learn as we grow, we all learn act changing priorities and we made decisions based on what was best available or to make the best choice out of what is available based on then conditions of wisdom/considerations

we came this way because of each n every step we took.

n i say, we

not him or I

but his words hurt: I,you n all the blame

Hearing those words connected n reminded me that the bulk of my stress came from him n his unbending wishes of me

I feel like there is a heavy lid on me
Pressing down on me

Feels like I m confined n boxed up
Feels like I can’t breathe

I hate that feeling.

I hate having to listen or abide by others’ wishes. and especially so when that wish/want came strong such that i have no space to maneuver my way around

All over again,

I feel angry that he caused me stress n hurt
I m angry that his opinions r so strong n do not allow space for working with others

I m angry that he couldn’t appreciate my reasons/the way i grew up

I m angry that he chose to c the cigarette smoke qinzhi was taking but not the amount of love n care qinzhi received at nanny’s place

I m angry that he couldn’t c how difficult it would b for me to take qinzhi away fr nanny

my anger came back double triple

Most of all what I couldn’t take was the way he wanted his way. by force. by himself, not us arriving at it together.

霸道is the word

and it makes me even more cautious when i make my decision.

i tell myself to be as objective as i can, not to bow down to him, but only to make the decision only when i m sure.

i want to make a decision which gives me happiness n more freedom not less.

And when i do not have the financial independence, that freedom will b even more limited.

i just need time n space to figure these out n to be sure…

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Parts that Don’t Want to Heal

January 23, 2012
Shedding Light on Ourselves

When we choose that which is not best for us, there can be a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal.

In almost every case, we know what is best for us in our lives, from the relationships we create to the food we eat. Still, somewhat mysteriously, it is often difficult to make the right choices for ourselves. We find ourselves hanging out with someone who leaves us feeling drained or choosing to eat fast food over a salad. We go through phases where we stop doing yoga or taking vitamins, even though we feel so much better when we do. Often we have no idea why we continue to make the less enlightened choice, but it is important that we inquire into ourselves to find out.

When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.

When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.

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Losar Message from Tsoknyi Rinpoche

Losar Tashi Delek and New Year’s Greetings from Tsoknyi Rinpoche:
All outer and inner conditions are dependently interconnected. We can see that outer circumstances have changed for the past year in the material world. The inner conditions of the physical elements and organs of our constitution have also changed due to interdependence. These are natural changes that are beyond our control.
However, there is something we can control—our mind. We each have the ability to guide and train our mind in a positive way.
How can we do this? We all need freedom in our mind, and that comes through continuous development of the good heart, the practices of meditation, mindfulness, love, compassion, and not being chicken-hearted in the face of small problems. We also need truthfulness and transparency with ourselves and need to be connected with essence love.
In short, we should be proud of whatever we do that is beneficial—whatever activities of body, speech and mind that directly or indirectly help ourselves and other beings. This develops inner strength. And inner strength doesn’t age (which is good news for our sangha!) So this is my wish and expectation for this year.

With blessings,

Tsoknyi Rinpoche