Dear Little Daughter:
I have waited for you to get well settled before writing. By this time I hope some of the strangeness has worn off and that my little girl is working hard and regularly.
Of course, everything is new and unusual. You miss the newness and smartness of America. Gradually, however, you are going to sense the beauty of the old world: its calm and eternity and you will grow to love it.
Above all remember, dear, that you have a great opportunity. You are in one of the world’s best schools, in one of the world’s greatest modern empires. Millions of boys and girls all over this world would give almost anything they possess to be where you are. You are there by no desert or merit of yours, but only by lucky chance.
Deserve it, then. Study, do your work. Be honest, frank and fearless and get some grasp of the real values of life. You will meet, of course, curious little annoyances. People will wonder at your dear brown and the sweet crinkley hair. But that simply is of no importance and will soon be forgotten. Remember that most folk laugh at anything unusual, whether it is beautiful, fine or not. You, however, must not laugh at yourself. You must know that brown is as pretty as white or prettier and crinkley hair as straight even though it is harder to comb. The main thing is the YOU beneath the clothes and skin — the ability to do, the will to conquer, the determination to understand and know this great, wonderful, curious world. Don’t shrink from new experiences and custom. Take the cold bath bravely. Enter into the spirit of your big bed-room. Enjoy what is and not pine for what is not. Read some good, heavy, serious books just for discipline: Take yourself in hand and master yourself. Make yourself do unpleasant things, so as to gain the upper hand of your soul.
Above all remember: your father loves you and believes in you and expects you to be a wonderful woman.
I shall write each week and expect a weekly letter from you.
Lovingly yours,
Papa
From Sociologist and civil rights pioneer W.E.B. Du Bois to his daughter Yolande.
Monthly Archives: February 2016
Learning in Happiness
I have never really understood what it was like to learn in happiness. But a beautiful pot of orchid sent to me helped me break new ground.
The admin assistant who brought the pot to me remarked, “i havent seen you so happy in a while!”
and it made me realise how happy i was.
i said “thank you” to her, to which she added.
“welcome. i m happy to see you happy.”
And i thought, how wonderful!!!
feelings are contagious. they are apparent, or shall i say, energy.
how you feel, what you radiate goes out, and this little episode, made me aware of how i should keep myself so that i radiate only goodness and good energy n happy things out.
because it makes a difference, even if i m little.
it makes a difference.
i love it that this little joy is shared and its very deep and holds precious good energy . i think its so precious.
sharing joy.
and what is even more wonderful, is that in those few moments of happiness, i found myself in a very pure empty space, i was fully aware. and it was blank space that was very wide and quiet and peaceful.
i have always heard about emptiness. but that time, i experienced it.
and i m reminded of what my travel companion said when we were travelling in india, he shared how he felt when at Lakhdah, when it seemed boundless, i remember his words, and that was that, there is no need for words.
you feel empty.
And i m convinced only nature can bring forth these gifts.
i m reminded of that day when i did therapy and teacher got me to draw an angel card, that shows abundance.
the message was that, to receive abundance, you have to clean out the old and things that do not work.
this came close.
how wonderful when we co create with the universe.
今早在办公室收到一盆胡姬花。
好～开～心！
大大的胡姬花瓣，非常细致，柔美。我好开心！
AA说：“很少看到你这么开心！看到你开心，我也很开心！”
我听到，好感动！
让我知道，原来心情是可以传染的。要顾好自己的心和情。把正能量传送出去。
还有一点，很高兴很开心的那几秒内，我清楚觉知，自己进入空的状态。自己感受到很深、宽的平静，很空，但我知道那就是老师们说的，一种awareness。
很少时候是在快乐中学习。但今天有这样在快乐中学习的感受，让我有一番新的领悟。
我过去大多在痛苦辛苦艰难的境遇里学习。但这是第一次，这么这么久以来，第一次在快乐中学习。
为什么？
不是意外。
我相信那是一种标志。我相信，我已经告别一部分的过去。
启动新的自己。开启新的篇章。
再想起之前抽到的angel card，abundance。清空过去，投入现在。
午餐，和相熟的工作伙伴料，很深入。把我知道的和她分享，希望她有所启发。
她说她感觉我放开许多。改变了。
她问我享受什么？我说是现在。
有人现在。
回想今早，我做了一件不一样的事。
看到天空转亮，就在太阳就要路脸的那几刻，我想抓住那几刻。
我觉得那时候很特别。一天就在你的眼前，也在你的身边。很自然的我面向太阳，搜索自己。尝试静止。
然后感谢。我相信眼前这一天将不一样。将美好。我set the intention。
然后收获一天的美丽。
我觉得真的好神奇。
原来，可以轻快，不带走一抹云彩的，好好去投入生活。
好神奇，好美。
谢谢。
3years 1month
皓皓3岁一个月大了！
小瓜说戴帽子，逗乐我们
皓皓习惯上学了。只是坚持mommy每天要带他去
下课后：）
皓皓喜欢画圆圈，圈圈都画的好圆好圆。让我想起皓皓在我肚子里的时候。当时上画画课，我也总是画圈圈。
他喜欢玩playdoh，但总是这样！
上课了！小瓜习习惯外公接载。
上课时还要mommy跟。
车子快到学校时，皓皓会说：mommy，你要跟我讲，have a beautiful wonderful day,我说了之后，轮到皓皓这么对我说，接着对着公公说。
然后就开始下车，hug hug公公，然后开心上学去。
老师说，皓皓是steady的那个。会听话，会专心。问他问题，他也会答。
听了好安慰！
下课时公公载皓皓回来。
告诉老师他欺负姐姐。老师说会在课上教皓皓不可以这样。结果放学后，皓皓真的这么说：“mommy，老师说不可以欺负姐姐。”
他喜欢上上学了。
每周末，照样去姨姨皤婆家
皓皓特别喜欢这样的配搭，因为姐姐有一次这么配搭。说是korean boy皓皓很喜欢，之后就经常这么穿
皓皓的记忆力很好。一次看到落叶，说，曾经捡落叶给我。在哪里啊？韩国。：）
有一次跟daddy玩，daddy伸手要捉弄皓皓，皓皓吐槽：qiu jin jian（手这么多！）笑到我……！玩具车子从桌子跌下，我说puat doh（跌倒），他说是palingdao（更标准的福建话，也是跌倒的意思）
真可爱！
这是婆婆给皓皓沁芝的生日红包
皓皓过新年
过新年，皓皓今年自己捞鱼生咯！
和以往一样，去公公家吃火锅
隔天起来，看到爸爸藏在枕头下的红包
今年因为爸爸要工作，所以妈妈带着小宝贝们去公公家拜年，之后去阿祖家，最后是到pasir ris
皓皓今年去阿祖哪里，比较不怕了，不像是去年那样害羞。能用福建话和人交谈，还和一位姨姨拍照。
隔天初二，davina姐姐生日。一起祝贺。
皓皓这么抱着人亲的时候，真的就只能任他了。因为那感觉太好了。
皓皓也给阿姨化妆
好顽皮！
这个时候的皓皓，整天欺负姐姐，踢、捏、推，非常坏蛋。姐姐忍气吞声，总是气的哭了，但还是不舍得皓皓被骂
过新年，去阿祖、小姑婆家、七叔公家拜年。小瓜越来越自在。
最近皓皓喜欢被我抱着入睡，就像小时候一样，抱着他唱儿歌，他说，他喜欢rock a bye baby
我这么哼唱，他就入睡了。
皓皓最近喜欢domino rally
有一天，皓皓开始写字，写了A，之后是H
H for huaihao，他说。而且非常端正！
让皓皓自己练习穿袜子
这一天，皓皓在手上粘了贴纸，我们就这么牵手上公公的车。
也许皓皓以后会忘记，mommy也是，但这么手牵手的，温暖了我们的早晨。
想起和沁芝手牵手，在mommy最微弱时，是沁芝温暖的手让我继续。
这一天，煮了印度的dal，皓皓吃prata，蘸dal，有点辣，但不亦乐乎
隔天沁芝生日，我们睡醒就给沁芝唱生日歌，然后傍晚去阿姨家，庆祝。
宝贝，祝你健康平安快乐！
Charon Lama Sherpa
Attending Rinpoche’s talk at Tara’s home made me once again feel blessed and privileged.
I saw the stupa and standing in front of it brought waves of emotions in my heart centre
And I teared
I could feel the energy coming out from the Buddha in the stupa and it was wonderful through n through，
And it was later that i realise, its this that i m feeling.
The #divinity in me #honors the divinity in you. So There was a sense of healing.
It wasn’t anything new I learnt at the talk but the points brought up surely reinforced things that were recently made known to me n made me think.
Words i heard today echoed what I learnt in my sessions with mr ng.
And I thought about the angel card I drew with the word “abundance”
It’s about cleaning out things that no longer work in life to make space for the now n the new.
It’s amazing how the universe echoes back reminders.
The topic for the afternoon was dealing with difficult people.
- And Rinpoche started talking about dealing with difficult people because of others’ difficult emotions.
- It’s difficult when emotions run high
- It’s difficult when emotions run up against ours, or simply me, my, I.
- He encouraged us to look deeply enough into our emotions, to find out what they are, why they r, how they r surfaced etc so as to better take care of them
- In other words, look at yourself. What the other person is doing is inviting you to look at your own emotions, look within. There is a problem because the problem is not in another person but in yourself
- Ability to cope with problems others create is within you
- A lot of times problems arise because you do not love yourself enough
- And when you block yourself
- Because in fact, you are strong enough to deal with your own emotions
- The concept of forgiveness might b important to revisit. You need more strength n courage to forgive. It is easier to not forgive than to forgive
- Once u forgive, your mind changes
- Regard it as a movie, don’t cling
- Don’t adopt a self cherishing view
- At the end of life, we get a glimpse of what is going to happen in the next life, and at that point, a lot of things we give great emphasis on in this life, they don’t matter.
- We blame others for the problems we have within ourselves
- Approach things with an open mind, a wider perspective
- Problems we meet r meant as an opportunity for us to surpass ourselves, the me, my I
- Search for the real place where the problems come from
- If you think hard, someone makes that action out of desperation and lack of choice
- The concept of spirituality is to take care of all the problems and working within
- It’s about freeing yourself. Not the other person
- Others don’t matter
- Forgiving others is the first step to forgiving n realizing yourself
- Love is not attachment
- Things that matter change thru out life. Why problems appear is because those problems matter to u. You apply mental energy and things come out to put into perspective for u
- Let go
- Life is a good opportunity to train and change your mind to become peaceful
- Life is what you make out of it. The stronger your mind, the better
At the end of it, Rinpoche presented us with a little Mala and mine was blue.
Healing!
Presented it on the stupa for blessings before I made my way out.
About Charok Lama
Ven. Charok Lama Rinpoche
Charak Lama, Nawang Ridzin Gyatso Rinpoche, is the incarnation of Kusho Mangden, a highly respected Nyingmapa master from Solo Kumbu, Nepal. Kusho Mangden passed away in Jan 1992 and the incarnation was born 9 months later into a very poor family an hour’s walk from his previous life home.
At the age of two, taken in by the sister of Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Anila Nawang Samden, Charak Lama moved to the nearby Lawudo Gompa, the home of Lama Zopa Rinpoche’s previous life. At the age of four he moved to Kopan Monastery in Kathmandu, Nepal to begin his life as a monk in the Gelug tradition. At the age of 10 he moved to Sera Je Monastery in South India and began his philosophy studies in earnest. Completing his first level of studies in the top 5 percentile of his class, Charak Lama was chosen in 2012 to participate in the prestigious Rig.chung ceremony. For four years running he has also been amongst a small group of top students selected from each class to attend the annual Jangwa or “winter debate” session of Ganden, Drepung and Sera Monastery monks.
Charak Lama possesses the rare and outstanding ability to extract the essence of his philosophical studies and apply it to the Western traditions of science and psychology. An avid reader and seeker of knowledge it is hard to find a topic he has not studied, on his own, alongside his rigorous monastic routine. Rinpoche converses in perfect Tibetan, Nepali, Sherpa and English and has every intention of mastering Chinese, German French and Spanish as well.
Death in love with life
http://thespiritscience.net/2016/02/18/death-love-life/?c=wp
A very good animation on the subject.
This is an entirely hand drawn short video by Marsha Onderstijn, an animator from the Netherlands. This video follows a fun representation of death. Death appears as a cute specter wearing a skull as a mask. Death is going through a forest when it see’s a dear. There is a prolonged sense of longing as Death projects a sense of loneliness. Everything Death touches, dies.
A really well done video, done entirely by hand which is a rarity these days. Most animated videos are products of massive production lines and computer projections This video has been received warmly at various animation festivals. It was even featured on the EYE film DVD of Selected Dutch Shorts.
The idea that death is in love with life, and that is why Death takes living beings, isn’t a new idea. That doesn’t stop it from being a fun concept! This version of Death is softer than most, metaphorically relating a more ‘human’ side of Death. It would make sense that Death is a sad spirit, with a unquenchable desire for contact and communication. We fear and hate the idea of death, if everyone hated you it would color your character strangely as well.
Going on to 7 yrs
沁芝7岁了。
好像还是昨天，去Dr Soon那里看沁芝，好像还是昨天，在生沁芝。这么快，小宝贝已经进小学了。
沁芝上学后，拍的照片不多，就是一些生活照。像是这张，午后吃冰淇淋的简单快乐。
皓皓生日，沁芝画画：）
婆婆给的红包
过年了：）今年沁芝上小学，在学校也有鱼生捞，不知道在家里捞有没有不同的心情。但mummy有的。
在工作的场合捞鱼生，可以吃到大鱼大肉，但总是没有过年的感觉。每次和家人捞鱼生，总是感谢总是感激。
感激自己又走到一年的这个时候，然后就在捞起的那几分钟之内，告诉自己，明年还要站在这个位置，和大大小小这么捞起。
隔天睡醒，沁芝说，枕头下面有东西。daddy藏在枕头下的压岁钱，被沁芝先发现了。
我要小瓜跟我拜年：）
先去公公家，再上阿祖家。沁芝穿上阿妹阿姨买的cos裙子。好美！
沁芝的生日要到了，收到阿姨和阿嬷的红包：）
沁芝帮阿姨“化妆”
小妞笑起来好甜美：）
过新年，去阿祖家／小姑婆家／七叔公家拜年，沁芝很喜欢：）
沁芝生日，庚延舅舅和karyn姐姐送了礼物来，小妮子好开心。
19日的早上，我们睡醒就给沁芝唱生日歌
然后让沁芝拆开礼物
下午去阿姨家，阿姨下厨特别煮了丰盛的一餐，有炒面线，卤鸡，鳕鱼，
还有特别给沁芝的鸡蛋面线。
阿姨说，吃面线不可以剪，吃脚腿，脚才能长长的，意思是好处比别人多
mommy看了好不感动。
然后是沁芝最期待的。
大家围着我们，给沁芝唱生日歌。
mommy的眼泪就这么夺眶了。
我希望沁芝记得那份温暖。这一家人给我们的温暖。里面有很多很多无私的爱。
是无以回报的。
亲爱的沁芝
当你疲惫无力时，希望你记得这一份发自内心，倾巢而出的温暖。
它一定会给你温热，给你力量。让你可以无所畏惧地前进。
这几天发现沁芝的心算其实做得相当不错，keyboard也弹的不错。因为没有太多的练习，但仍旧可以完成一曲。
比较担心的是，沁芝最近撒谎。
被我发现了两次。好好对沁芝说，动之以情。我说，沁芝是mommy生的，是沁芝最亲密的人，为什么要撒谎呢？
然后沁芝感动哭了。
但写到这里，才明白，其实我们都经常对最亲近的人撒谎，不敢对最亲近的人说真话。比如我对父亲母亲、沁芝对我对daddy。写到这里才明白，沁芝就是通过这件事，教导我要坦白。如果我能对最亲密的人坦白，沁芝应该也可以的。
很多时候，孩子的问题都可以在父母的身上找到解答。
就像这次一样，沁芝这7年里教会我好多东西，教我做妈妈，教我做朋友，沁芝就是我的老师。
很多时候，我在沁芝的身上看到很多的自己，自己的喜好、怯懦、很多时候我都在沁芝的身上，遇见自己的过去还有未来。亲爱的宝贝，mommy想让你知道，就像我现在才知道那样，很多时候，我们身心里头的恐惧，并不属于我们自己。我们只是从我们的长辈的身上照单全收接了过来。
就像你可能从我身上接收了太多的恐惧，这些都不是你的，
就像mommy现在在学习、努力在分清楚，尝试和不属于我的say goodbye那样，我相信聪敏的你，在未来的某一天，在适当的时间点，也会尝试从这些套牢中解脱出来。
就像毛毛虫破茧而出，蜕变为蝴蝶。飞出一条自己的路。
mommy就在做这件事。
很不容易，但mommy会坚持下去，因为要给沁芝皓皓一个很好的榜样。用grit 和sheer determination，继续加油前进。
我的宝贝，谢谢你，很爱你。一直都是。你是最特别的，永远都是。
祝福你健康，平安，快乐。
You are a powerful being here to evolve
“On a biological level, it is amazing to consider that the egg which became you was literally carried by your grandmother; since your mother developed her eggs while she was a fetus inside her mother’s womb.
Coping mechanisms, stress patterns, family system patterns, as well as social and economic environments through those generations have left imprints on us that we are still sorting through.
The beautiful thing about approaching healing from this perspective is that our own personal healing also brings resolution to our greater network of relations moving forward and backward in time.”
http://upliftconnect.com/birth-experience/
Such an amazingly beautiful piece.
Deserve good things
Was walking.
And feeling or getting in touch with all the heavy murky feelings in my body.
I sort of could see them coming out of my body.
And I saw this.
Tiny little yellow flowers.
If they can stand tall in the wind.
I surely can .
And then I had this feeling that I deserve.
I deserve to live on a nice piece of land,
I deserve to live in a good property,
I deserve good furniture, good appliance, good products, good food, goodness
I deserve to live well,
I deserve.
And it dawned upon me how important this feeling is.
For whatever reasons, whatever past it may be, but the greatest reason is, out of a reinforced habit, I have been stopping myself from deserving.
I have been deriding myself and depriving myself.
Just thinking and feeling that I can’t!
But I can I can I can!
And I deserve.
For no other reason, simply because
I deserve.
Om Ma Ne Pad Me Hum.
Thank you universe.
Healing (XXXIV)
And what is healing?
where can you find therapy?
the answer, is right in my arms.
it was just as if time has wound back, to when hao is a baby.
and i would cradle him to sleep , with a medley of lullaby.
he told me recently that his favourite is “rock a bye baby”.
these few days, i have been cradling him to sleep singing the same medley, and most certainly, rock a bye baby.
and it suddenly dawned upon me, why at this point in time?
why did i cradle him at this time?
i guess he knew i needed the cradling more than he did, he knew i needed the healing.
this is therapy .
from my child.
cradling and looking at him sleep brought back a lot of memories.
of the time when i gave birth to him.
hao is an inspiration, thru and thru.
i gave birth to him with sheer grit. without epidural.
i remember writing, that he represents a constant reminder, for me to create new pathways and not fall back on old habits.
tears fell when those words came to mind.
and i heard myself say, yes i will, i will create yet another new pathway, and another, and another, and another.
i will not rest until i find or create a new pathway. out of this.
because this is what i want to show to my kid.
that we are capable of bye-ing away the old, and welcoming the new.
challenges are just there as opportunities, to show us what we need to work on.
and then, transform them into the new.
thank you huaihao.
for inspiring me and reminding me always, always and when mommy needed it most.
这么抱着皓皓睡觉，很healing。
这几天，喉咙被噎着的感觉。头涨涨的。很难呼吸。低沉。混沌。脑子不清。腹部胀气。
心情坏极了。为什么啊？
不太清楚。
只是这样的情况让人难受。
抱着皓皓睡觉。看着小宝贝，想起皓皓对我的意义。不只是儿子，还是老师，在我最最最需要的时候，给我温暖和向前继续的力量。提醒我，不要放弃，不要回望过去和旧习性，继续加油，勇敢一点，一定可以创造新的道路。
为了孩子，我会努力，我一定可以。
我这么听见自己说。
然后，好像就舒服许多。
Healing (XXXIII)
You can change thought patterns.
Went to my teacher for monthly mind spa maintenance and learnt new things. I totally enjoyed my discussions with teacher.
Such as trying to put to words thought processes that are mostly the result of habits, reinforced thru time.
We easily fall into traps laid out by our habitual thought patterns, which may not work for us now.
But we can change this even!
Just by awareness.
Being aware of how we have “slipped” into old ways of thinking can deliver us to another state.
By being aware that we think in a certain way, only because that is the way we are used to, can be liberating. Then do we realise, that we need not think in that way any longer, there can be other thought patterns.
And we can change for the better, at least change or move in a way that works better for us now.
I also learnt the importance of intention. Setting an intention and calling upon our guardian angels, our higher wisdom, and our future selves to assist us in the process of evolution.
Then there’s the practice of seeing the golden quality in negativity. Teacher asked me, what comes to mind when we see a beggar?
I said, he needs help?
Second thing that comes to mind, is that the beggar is bold and courageous. Because he is not afraid to show his weakness or his need. We may not be a beggar in need, but there are many other things about ourselves that we hide and seek to cover up. We simply do not have the audacity to just be, to open up and show the weaker side of our selves publicly.
In that sense, i lost out to a beggar .
Teacher remarked that this shows that i have the ability to transform negative to positive. Its a transformation of the mind.
And i love the practice.
It inspires you to seek out the other side of something that is somewhat broken or negative. And applied to life, it can be very helpful and can turn conditions or relationships around.
去见了老师，又有洞见。
1）旧的思维模式，来自于习惯，是可以改变的。第一步就是觉察、觉知某一种想法是时间累积的模式，知道了，不去追随，不去反应，创造新的思维模式
2）知道了立下意图的重要性。每天，每个月。都清楚设下意图，那等于是向宇宙发出声音。立下自己和宇宙、生命的一个誓约。老师说，可以向自己有亲密感的神、higher wisdom，甚至是未来的自己寻求帮助，因为这些帮助的力量，都希望自己成长。会竭尽所能帮助自己成长。
3）寻找卑劣中的黄金点。
不论多阴暗、多负面的东西，还是可以让人找出它的黄金点、面。这是可以训练脑子、心去做的一件事。能够把这一点应用在生活的各个层面，必定能把人事、人生都翻转过来。
4）理智的声音，一般都不准。准确的是心。
5）安静，静止，就能知道前面的路。
mind spa开始前，抽卡。
老师要我先立下一道题，而且必须指明时间点：我说，我想知道在2月结束前，我需要什么quality才能breakthrough in life？
我抽到一张abundance的卡片。
老师说：“如果以以上论点推开，abundance在提醒你的，就是你的lack。或者说，要清除掉一些什么，才能够双手迎来abundance。老师说，abundance一直就在你身边，但你一直就是把它block掉。这些都是你可以思考的问题。”
很多时候我们都被填满。甚至被填满也不知道。
我说到背部有一个痛。老师要我尝试去感受，听到什么？看到什么？
结果不可思议的，获得了很多的领悟。
一两天之后。在安静中，我才知道，这个痛还有那周而复始的疲惫，全是让我知道，原来我被过去填满。
这过去，包含许多对父亲的行动所造成的不能体谅。
原来这些从未过去。一直一直生活在我的身体里，心里。
但那一次的session，让我看到很多。至少看到这一点。
老师说，父亲动过脊椎手术，那是很折腾很不容易的一件事，那是对个人尊严的一次重挫。那一刻，我知道错了，我后悔了，我从来没有设身处地地把自己放在父亲的身体里，去感受他经历的一切苦难和磨练。
我疲惫的时候，已经很难耐了。更何况是爸爸。他在手术台上经历了三次大手术。
应该很彷徨很恐惧很不知所措。很勇敢。光是想想这个，
我心里想说，爸爸，我错了。我从来没有想过爸爸的感受和人生当中碰到的磨练。
因为光是要活下来，已经很不容易。
老师说，父亲的选择并不是有意伤害我，但他并没有其他的选择，也不知道要怎么走。他不知道还可以有什么其他方式。
他必须养活家里还有孩子。
就像我不知道，可以有什么其他方式一样，困在一个局面里。卡住了。
“小女孩可能并不知道，原来她真的很爱她的爸爸。”
老师说，你的背部痛，也许就是想让你感受一下爸爸的痛。
老师说，我在进行这个练习的时候，他看到爸爸的energy和一些影像。他说，爸爸的士气低靡，从各方都有嘲笑或其他压力，冲击着他。
我那周而复始的劳累不过是企图帮助我去拉进和父亲的距离。包括去接触父亲的痛楚，还有我的。好辛苦。好痛。
让人无法继续呼吸的痛。
折腾人的。给人挫折难过的。
很奇妙的，过程中，我说了孩子时候没有表达的，老师鼓励我说出来，因为那是我在那个时间点没有讲出来。
我告诉爸爸，我不喜欢，很不喜欢爸爸的选择。然后感觉面前怎么就凉快了许多。我的背部突然失去了一些重量。
很神奇。
老师说：“可能你也不知道为什么你会对爸爸的选择这么懊恼？但那是因为你很爱他，其实你在很小的时候就知道，父亲的选择会毁了家庭。但是当时候的你没有表达出来。”
说真的，你当时也不可能改变什么。这也是你的父亲必须学习的，所以事情终究发生了。
“你可以原谅你的爸爸吗？”
好像可以，又好像不可以。
“没关系，不用逼自己现在就去原谅。你可以说，我现在不能原谅你，并不代表以后我不可以原谅你。也许你现在可以做到原谅40%，60%你可能可以从各方面去尝试了解你父亲小时后的各种经理。因为人都是跟着已知的那一套、长辈教他的去做。”
就像我看到爸爸把自己关在房间里，藏起来。我也在许多时候把自己的想法、想要的藏起来，没有拿出来一样。
我告诉老师，我学会这个。因为也不知道，原来还有其他的办法。所以很多真实的自己都藏起来。
原来，我一直累，都是为了让我接近这个部分的自己。让我去了解，我为什么会是现在的我一样。
好神奇的healing。
好神奇的realisation。
非常的deep。让我感觉身体里，有什么在挪动，在改变。
我知道会更好的。
因为现在的自己，就是a state of wreck。破损毁坏不堪。
但因为看到这些，有一股很强烈的生命的气息。在改变一切。
回头看那张abundance的卡片，感觉更奇特。寓意更深远。
我要康复自己。原谅自己和过去。我要放下过去，轻装前进。迎接属于我的abundance。
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