3 years 3 months

dearie qinzhi is 3 years n 3 months today.

🙂

过去一个月，沁芝最大的收获，应该就是去澳洲，体验旅游以及其所带来的一切崭新经验。

mummy觉得，旅游大概是新加坡小孩子最好的尝试，旅游让你飞出国外，看世界，开拓眼界。我想，开拓眼界将是mummy给沁芝的最重要的训练之一，我会在各方面尝试开拓沁芝的眼界和想法，这样沁芝就不会容易拘泥于眼前或狭窄过人生。

目标是把沁芝训练得很开阔，拥有辽阔的心胸、广博的世界观和眼界。

心胸一旦辽阔，视野无边，自然能更平稳经验人生。

这个时候的沁芝，生病了，因为mummy把病菌传染给了沁芝，沁芝在姨姨婆婆pasir ris家修养了好几天，好想念沁芝，但听姨姨婆婆说，沁芝不想回来了，一直说不要回去redhill

mummy听了，也实在有些措手不及。

姨姨婆婆把沁芝照顾得好好，担心mummy这么每天赶来赶去很辛苦，又看着沁芝喜欢pasir ris，不断建议：让沁芝回来吧，让沁芝在pasir ris念幼稚园好了。

突然觉得，过去的坚持，所有的辛苦似乎徒劳了，努力了这么久，沁芝还是比较喜欢pasir ris，几个月的辛苦好像变成零蛋，她就像我小时候一模一样。怎么“历史”的因素这么强烈，这么难抵挡？

我真的很努力了。真的很尽力了。

我觉得好像一只桨划船的感觉。

我想，下来，我真的会顺其自然了。

这个时候的沁芝，很利害，会说“辛苦，鼻子辛苦”。婆婆说，沁芝不舒服也很乖巧，不吵不闹，只是说，“婆婆你抱抱芝芝就好”

姨姨更是对沁芝赞不绝口，她说，沁芝看她冲凉后要擦药膏，只看一次，下一回姨姨冲凉的时候，就到storeroom拿好药膏，摆在桌子上，等姨姨出来后用。

作mummy的我听了，心里满满的骄傲。我知道沁芝是不用别人担心的好孩子。

跟我太像了。

i wish u wellness and happiness, every moment, every day. may u b well n happy dearie!

 

Realization

Dear qinzhi

I often think sharing my thoughts n feelings, about anything n everything with u, is the best thing that I can give to u.

This one too.

It dawned upon me that I made your daddy who he is n he made me who I m.

We rub off each other n become like a mirror to each other.

I remember when my mummy passed away, a lot of people were pointing fingers at my daddy too, blaming him for not taking care of my mummy.

That is understandable and rightly so.

But have they thought the other way round? That my daddy is such because my mummy made him to be. She spoiled him so he needn’t have to take part in housework , so he neednt cook, so he neednt be worried, so he needn’t be responsible. So he needn’t take initiative .

She has taken so much good care of everything in the family that he needn’t have to.

I sensed this in my life too.

In big n little ways.

I regret I did not take the fullest of my effort to change ways of your daddy which I did not like. Like when he talks to me, he can be still engaged in something else but not turning to look at me, this old habit has been with him for the past ten years n I have not corrected it. I tried my best n I expressed my displeasure , I did the best I could, but I still could not change it.

n I m suffering from it now. Every time I talk to him.

I absolutely hate it when I m talking to him n he looks elsewhere but at me.

I finally questioned him yesterday: do u talk like that to da jiu jiu?

It is disrespect totally.

But I allowed him n this stayed on in him.

I wondered how he can be oblivious to this n take it as if it were not an issue? Basic courtesy not there.

Emotional reign over me is another, I allowed his ideas n attitudes to override mine, like his ideas on interacting with you. I allowed him once n again, to take his time with you, n now he is not capable of being with u on his own.

Now that i could see him as a result of me, I could also see myself as a result of him.

Looking back, apart from what past I have experienced which has affected me considerably, I know i m shaped v much by him, his thoughts, his attitudes , his feelings.

And I suddenly feel he hasn’t taken the best care of me either. Emotionally especially.

I looked at women around me, my elders, n I think for women in general,They r indeed, a result of love. how well or unwell they r, what attitudes they have, what they choose to embrace in life, it shows or reflects truly the care n attention their partners shed on them.

If they have emotionally satisfying marriages, they are healthy physically n mentally. They do not turn to outside pleasures or spend overwhelming time on religion or other things.

And then, very naturally, they bloom like flowers.

It’s really that simple.

And when the flower realizes , it doesn’t want to depend on someone else to water, that it can fetch water on its own, it is when change will occur.

I think I have really grown, I think my mind is more open these days n is capable of understanding more. The realization makes me appreciate awareness more, how a stable mind is important to make choices so the mind doesn’t just follow blindly.

Innermost Openness

More wisdom fr tsoknyi rinpoche

1) sometimes u feel blocked, cannot feel warmth etc, go back to that innermost openness, drop into that innermost openness.

Clouds are like the thoughts, u don’t want to hold on to beautiful thoughts n feelings, juz look at them passing by without any judgement .

2) talk to your old habitual patterns with kindness
He used the eg of crossing the twin towers in KL to show the residual energy in his subtle body, he has a fear of heights bcoz he fell when he was little, when he couldn’t cross the twin towers, his awareness brought him to understand he is suffering as a result of the past.

“so talk to the old habitual pattern with kindness, it’s true but not real n the pattern will start to shift”

I heard this before, n it came as a reminder. I m brought to mind my fear of seeing the doctor, of death n now, of having a cold.

Like this time when the cold lasted 2 wks, there were times in those 2 wks that I m brought to mind how mummy died bcoz of a cold or flu gone bad.
But at those times, there were a sense of awareness that came on immediately after, that says, that is an incident, I won’t repeat it.

So in a sense, I was talking to my old habitual pattern too.