Realization

Dear qinzhi

I often think sharing my thoughts n feelings, about anything n everything with u, is the best thing that I can give to u.

This one too.

It dawned upon me that I made your daddy who he is n he made me who I m.

We rub off each other n become like a mirror to each other.

I remember when my mummy passed away, a lot of people were pointing fingers at my daddy too, blaming him for not taking care of my mummy.

That is understandable and rightly so.

But have they thought the other way round? That my daddy is such because my mummy made him to be. She spoiled him so he needn’t have to take part in housework , so he neednt cook, so he neednt be worried, so he needn’t be responsible. So he needn’t take initiative .

She has taken so much good care of everything in the family that he needn’t have to.

I sensed this in my life too.

In big n little ways.

I regret I did not take the fullest of my effort to change ways of your daddy which I did not like. Like when he talks to me, he can be still engaged in something else but not turning to look at me, this old habit has been with him for the past ten years n I have not corrected it. I tried my best n I expressed my displeasure , I did the best I could, but I still could not change it.

n I m suffering from it now. Every time I talk to him.

I absolutely hate it when I m talking to him n he looks elsewhere but at me.

I finally questioned him yesterday: do u talk like that to da jiu jiu?

It is disrespect totally.

But I allowed him n this stayed on in him.

I wondered how he can be oblivious to this n take it as if it were not an issue? Basic courtesy not there.

Emotional reign over me is another, I allowed his ideas n attitudes to override mine, like his ideas on interacting with you. I allowed him once n again, to take his time with you, n now he is not capable of being with u on his own.

Now that i could see him as a result of me, I could also see myself as a result of him.

Looking back, apart from what past I have experienced which has affected me considerably, I know i m shaped v much by him, his thoughts, his attitudes , his feelings.

And I suddenly feel he hasn’t taken the best care of me either. Emotionally especially.

I looked at women around me, my elders, n I think for women in general,They r indeed, a result of love. how well or unwell they r, what attitudes they have, what they choose to embrace in life, it shows or reflects truly the care n attention their partners shed on them.

If they have emotionally satisfying marriages, they are healthy physically n mentally. They do not turn to outside pleasures or spend overwhelming time on religion or other things.

And then, very naturally, they bloom like flowers.

It’s really that simple.

And when the flower realizes , it doesn’t want to depend on someone else to water, that it can fetch water on its own, it is when change will occur.

I think I have really grown, I think my mind is more open these days n is capable of understanding more. The realization makes me appreciate awareness more, how a stable mind is important to make choices so the mind doesn’t just follow blindly.

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