Life is a most amazing thing. Or, wonderful.
At least as of now, I finally can understand what it means when someone says, it is a gift. Life is a gift and the everything in it, of it in life—-are gifts.
Its hard to see this in the storm of it, but now that I look back, each and every single thing that happened in my life, is for me.
Because I needed them.
I went for my mindspa session yesterday and as always, Teacher has been most wonderful in facilitating the session.
At the end of it, he says, “我有一个强烈的预感，或者，已经不是预感，你妈妈想通过我跟你说，她真的很为你感到骄傲。你的成长，你的突破，你的成就，一切。”
He says that he has a feeling—no, not a feeling, but an understanding that Mom wants him to pass this piece of info to me—that she is so very proud of me, my growth, my my attitudes, my achievements.
I remember when Mom passed away, i had a similar healing session, and the words that came out of it from Mom were,
“I m so proud of you, Go do what you think deem fit, You can Do it”
I had these words written down and they were always in front of me on my desk in my old office.
Teacher also said, “你的妈妈对你太重要了，你很在乎很在乎她。而且，你很想念妈妈，非常非常非常的想念。”
He said, “Your Mom is too important to you, you very much take her as the world. And, you miss your mother, a lot, a lot.”
I couldn’t sense it when he said this. Really? I thought?
When he said it, I thought of my daughter Qinzhi, i can sense that she sees the world of her mother—me, too.
Maybe more than how my mother feels to me.
And today, I finally understood what Teacher said.
I finally..honestly shared with SY how I felt about her niece’s sudden death, her 4 year old cutie niece, had influenza b 2 weeks back and that was the end of her young life.
I told her this, “SY一直没有勇气跟你说，也很怕让你难过。尤其看到你好像恢复平常的笑容，但是看到你们家小可爱就这么离开，真的很难过。我妈妈是这样走的，所以我很不愿意有人必须经历这样的心痛。难过到我不能呼吸。所以那几天你不在，我好像一直和你们在一起那样。不知道可以对你说什么，你那边怎样，我也不知道。你之前不让我去follow，但那几天你不在，我还是忍不住每天去看你的instagram。希望你那里一切还好。希望你们一家今后可以好好的，互相扶持，让时间疗愈。 may u b well n happy!”
“I didnt have the courage to say, and I was afraid you will be heartbroken, Especially now that I see you smile again, but seeing your precious little one go, made me very sad. My Mom left this way, and I didnt want to have anyone else experience this pain. I couldnt breathe hearing what happened to you. And in the few days that you are not in, i went to follow you on instagram, to see if alls well at your end. I hope all is well, and I hope your family stays strong, and allow time to heal.”
I got in touch with the pain of losing mother as I wrote this.
And I finally understand why Teacher said, “You miss your mother so much.”
And SY said to me, “没事 她一直在我们心里
“Its alright, she’s living in our hearts. Time will heal everybody, she’s been happy these 3 years, I feel consoled that I brought her to Japan. I think you must have thought of your Mother this time, I hope you are already on the mend.”
Seeing this made me cry so hard.
When this happened, I didnt know what to say to SY, I didnt know what to do, I didnt know —until now—but now I do, this recent incident, sent me back to the time I lost my mother to a cold or flu, and when virus went to her heart. Mom left like that.
Now as I write I know, I was caught in that situation and trapped. In the world of healing, they call this—Trance.
All the feelings of pressure, helplessness, sadness came, and now I understand why I had all these unexplainable bouts of indigestion, bloating, pricks in the chest, heartache, backache.
All the pain and lack of support —they are all back.
And they remind me, there is something not resolved in my life, I m blessed and thankful I have Teacher with me to help me bridge the river I was to pass these 16 years.
Yes Mom, now I know —or probably not enough—-how I missed you, how important you are to me, how I see the world of you. How you love me, and how I love you.
It seemed like I didnt progress at all these 16 years, not making sense or accepting that you have left.
It all started with a little story I told Teacher yesterday.
I shared that I was missed out in a few meetings on content for events, and the final presentation came below my expectation. Also, I used to plan content for some events, but now I m not involved because I was left out of it.
I felt like I was not respected, not recognised, I was sore and angry about not being consulted and for the final event to come out sub standard.
But it beyond this thing about respect and recognition, I wanted to give and offer my help, but I was rejected.
It was as simple as this, like I came forward despite all and I was not given a chance to offer. Its like being turned away.
It hurt me a lot. Rejection.
Teacher was very sharp. He picked this out, that in life if you meet with circumstances again and again, it meant there was a deeper root that needs to be undone. Well in my last role, I also met with an authority who did not see my capabilities and rather believed in substandard people who were all about telling sweet nothings but had no real capabilities.
Teacher was so sharp, he laid me down, and asked for permission to put his hand on my stomach.
Coincidentally, in the days before, I had the thought of him using his magic hand, to help me clear away old energies, I felt trapped in all the body symptoms I was experiencing, it felt so tough so I thought of using his hand.
And he did.
He didnt do anything, his hand was just above my tummy and we spoke.
He said, “Before we start this process, I would like to say that, a lot of times, there are problems which surface once and again, and somehow you get the idea that, these problems cannot be solved with your capabilities, intelligence, so we ask upon higher powers whom you feel an affinity to, to be present to support you. To show you the path so you can breakthrough.”
I did, “Dear Lord Buddha, Goddess of Mercy, Guru Rinpoche, my guardian angels, may I invite you to support me, to show my the path, the light, may I be healed.”
Teacher: “Alot of times, we neglect this energy that is Mother Earth, Mother Earth is all encompassing and nurturing, You lost your mother, but there’s Mother Earth, use a bit of imagination, see yourself running on the greens. Feel Mother Earth’s love.”
Strangely last week when I was in the Botanic Gardens, I had this longing to lie on the green grass and I did even if I was dressed for dinner at a starred restaurant.
A few days ago, while I was walking after lunch, I specifically looked for a patch of green, my back was so uncomfortable, I felt like I just needed support, I just needed to lie down.
I told Teacher about this, and he went, “See your longing to be connected?”
“I want to bring you to the greens, and rest in nature. What do you see?”
“I saw myself in my old house, I was ironing the clothes, and Mom was back, she went to mop the floor again even if I had done it for her. I was so angry ironing clothes, I told her off—– next time you do it yourself. Mom was very sad, she cried hearing me say this, she came over and put her hands on my shoulders, and I brushed it off. She said, ‘Girl, dont be like that to me’. I told her off.”
She rejected my help and I rejected her plea.
Now as I write I know—this I had been clinging on to.
Teacher said, “did u regret? did you feel sorry?”
I said “Probably? I was so sore and angry and frustrated, when I have already done it for you, why do you have to redo? Dont you trust me?”
Mom had high expectations and she redid things I did.
Teacher was super sharp. He pointed this out, “If you had the chance to do this again, what would you say to her? What is it you want to say to her?”
“You are so busy and tired already, the floor is not important, your well being is more important. “
Teacher: “Do you see how much you cared for your Mother? But look at this again, this time in the perspective as a Mother, if your daughter is doing housework for you, would you do it again?”
I was like, SHIT.
Teacher, “And it was because you saw things your daughter couldnt. Yes you would, because you have your mother’s exacting standards. So your mother also saw things you didnt do, that was why she did it again. Can you understand this? So if you cannot accept your daughter’s work, can you accept what your mother did? The fact that she mopped the floor again?
Do you see how much of your Mother you carry in you? High standards, if not higher. Very high in fact.
And if your daughter did work for you, what would you say to her?”
“Thank you Qinzhi for loving me and helping me.”
And i immediately felt regret: How many awful things have I done to my daughter? When I shouted at her for not doing work? For not knowing math.
And Teacher picked that up!
It was impossible to fool him.
He asked, “Did you feel trapped in the middle, you with your mother, and you as a mother, facing your daughter?”
“Yes yes yes,” I said, “I think my daughter sees the world of me, much more, even more than how I see my daughter. She loves me more than I love my mother, very much more. But how many times have I hurt her? I dont know the extent of impact of my actions and speech on her. Like how my mother was to me. So how do i undo this? Is it to say the things I have to say? “
Teacher, “Nope, we still have to go back to that situation. What is it you really wanted to say to your mother? I want to hear it, you have to say it out.”
And he couldnt wait longer, “You also wanted to say, I care for you, I hope you have time to rest, that is why I did housework for you. That was how much your Mother mattered to you. You wanted to help her and she rejected. But you see, it doesnt mean that you dont matter to her. It doesnt mean that she does not acknowledge your effort.
So coming back to the situations you encountered in life, once and again, meeting with bosses who do not seem to see your capabilities—-YOU DONT NEED THEIR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, THEY ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER.
Your practice and homework now and forward is—have the awareness to see this point. When your boss comes to you, be sure to understand this in you—that she is not your mother, you do not need their recognition. “
Strangely, a few days ago, this popped out in a variety show I watched. It was a singing competition, and the contestant sobbed on stage recounting how they have been praised and discouraged by comments online. To this one of the judges said, “DO you know them? If not, why do you allow them to matter to you? “
Another said, “Why do you not choose to look at the 100 praises but allow the 1 negative comment to affect you?”
Clamouring for recognition praises likes, these are the things I fall into to.
Teacher, “You mistook these for your Mother, because you once was rejected and was not recognised or acknowledged for your effort.”
But these situations come back to remind you to show you about a distant past I was fixated on.
Knowing this is important for me to breakthrough. Understanding that I m complete and not in need of recognition or acknowledgement. And Teacher brought me back to my intentions to show me why I was on this path.
“Do you remember, when you considered this job change, what was your motivation?”
“It was to share a light. To touch and to warm people’s hearts. I wanted to do that”
“Yes Yes, i remember you saying that! You have a gift for doing that. You are already able to see beyond words and speech to reach to that light below. You know, each of us is a light, but alot of times, this light is not being exposed, because of many reasons, like the norms of society and others.”
Earlier, I told Teacher about interviewing Daniel Boulud the day before.
I was at MBS and I had their crew to support. Everything was set up so perfectly, it was a dream come through for me.
I had interviewed the same chef ten years ago when MBS opened. Ten years later, we are back like how a circle completes it path but this time, even if we are in the same interviewer-interviewee position, so much has changed.
The setup is like magic to me, I commanded the team. There was a cue board, which someone held on to clap and it beared my name and the crew supporting it.
Seeing it clap is like magic, it reminds me to be in position. To be present to listen to ask the right questions.
It was also a motivation for me, where else can I go now that I m here, this setup inspired me, HERE.
Continue to go deeper within –yourself and others. The only way I can fetch out good quotes is others, is to go deeper myself. To experience myself.
I shared with Teacher how I made Daniel Boulud cry.
He was giving me all the best answers and I was almost giving up, I need something more personal.
But i persevered and wanted to try go deeper.
I got my chance when he talked about writing a book for young talents.
Until he talked about dreams and sacrifice. I asked him, what was the greatest sacrifice?
And he teared up.
“Every night, we busied ourselves working for the pleasure of others, no one would be able to understand how much a chef has to do to get to where he is.”
I could feel for what he said.
Many at times, it was as if, he was talking about my life.
I told Teacher about this. I told teacher also about Crenn who told me about her being adopted. But I said, even as she shared about accepting, I felt that she has not yet fully done so.
“You see, you can already see beyond speech, to bring people to their light below.”
I told Teacher about feeling like him when I do these interviews with chefs. And I can see how Teacher as a bystander and outsider sees so much more clearly. I said that everything is actually quite apparent if you are on the outside.
To which he agrees, “Yes because most of the time, we are all embroiled in our own story. “
I thank him dearly, for being with me to support, to offer his time and presence, and to listen.
“It is easy for an outsider, but greater is the ability to stand above your story to see from a birds eye view. I m only a facilitator or a boatman who is helping people bridge the river and to go from one end to the other. You did it because of the inner wisdom and the desire to mend or heal yourself. So Pat yourself on your shoulder.
The setup is like a gift, from the universe, your effort and work is being recognised and this is like a gift to tell you how far you have come.”
I told Teacher about the Ishinomaki trip about this couple who went to this badly hit village in NE japan and came back changed.
The husband quit his job and left on a trip with his wife was was suffering from depression. He gathered that no matter how much he earnt it was meaningless if his wife isnt well.
The wife was healed on the journey because she saw for herself how little she compared to the people who lost precious ones to the forces of Nature.
When they came back from their trip, the husband decided to do something he really wants, a little restaurant he always wanted and named it Ishinomaki.
They continue to visit the place and support the people there, by way of important produce from that region. I had a chance to interview this couple from my previous position and now the wife is giving me a chance to work on a video. And wanting me to go because she felt I would be the best to express this.
I told Teacher I was hesitant to go, because I dont think I want to confront myself. I told him in the process of interviewing chefs, I see my story in theirs and their story in mine.
And Teacher says, “You have all along been telling me about other people. But what about your own story? I want to hear your story.”
I was very touched.
I was thinking in me, “would anyone want to hear my story? does my story matter?”
But Teacher says, “I want to hear your story, you should be in the frame.”
I was very touched, because he acknowledged me, my time my experiences and all of the emotions the ups and downs, the mistakes and the right.
I saw a FB post on how tibetans did their sand art, “Each grain of sand is important in building a thing of great beauty.”
Teacher heard me in the heart and saw me.
I told Teacher that more and more, I am beginning to see myself. By first beginning to acknowledge my credit as an Interviewer at the end of my videos, and then wanting the crew to film me in the process of interview.
I think Ishinomaki is the right one.
He adds, “I think the timing is right. You are ready.”