Happi Birthdae dearie!
happi happi birthdae.
I. it hasn’t been that straightforward , today.
i woke up to haohao’s sweet smile and feeding.
then as usual, i woke up to prepare breakfast.
then, suddenly, qinzhi had a red pouch in her hand, and daddy is cooing…qinzhi, what must u say…?
and there, i got my present, another omega, but this time, with diamonds, and a pearl face and a substantial bracelet.
daddy says its a month’s worth of his salary, just as he bought me my first omega 14 years back on this very day.
then i made for myself mee sua with 2 eggs. like a tradition of sorts.
we headed out to pray, because its Guan Yin’s birthday on the lunar calendar this sept 19th day.
we then went to real food and ordered what we would have on a usual day. but daddy ordered this chocolate bliss cake, that is vegan, gluten free and diary free.
he sang me a birthday song and kissed me hard.
i loved that.
then we went shopping.
then qinzhi pee-ed her skirt. i felt my heart sank. i felt broken and very worried for my child. when she can’t do something so basic, how is she going to handle life?
qinzhi explained to me that she would much prefer to sit down on the toilet seat and not stand.
i accepted that as an explanation and we carried on.
but on the way to meet my siblings for dinner, qinzhi suddenly changed seats on the bus, and i could see that the seat she has left is wet.
that dealt me with another blow. i was stunned and shocked beyond words.
i totally understand now how parents feel when their kids do something not so right, it was as if the parents had failed.
and the blow would have been amplified, simply just because we were the ones to give our children life.
it hurts us most, most most most.
we carried on with dinner, ah mei ayi baked me a strawberry yuzu cake and my father said happy birthday to me. we had dinner then the cake.
i could feel my feelings in my throat as i ate the cake my sister baked for me.
i think i would remember that .
then we had photos,
yes it was a beautiful wonderful day, i fell thankful and i feel blessed ,equally, i feel heavy in the heart. parenting is to grow up again.
II. But, 35 is such a milestone, TPY. what you have experienced all these years is truly truly amazing.
And you r amazing, the most amazing thing that has happened, my dear!
i can’t help but went to look back at the blog at the time of my birthday last yr. And i found for myself a very meaningful birthday letter, written to myself.
it is still awfully inspiring, there’s still so much to do for myself.
This I wrote:
“Happi Birthdae， My Dear。
i think you really love writing, at different points in your life, writing has helped you understand yourself better, when u had fear, when u had worry, when u had suspect, as well,
when u had love, when u had your baby, when you had bliss.
little wonder you will b writing to yourself now.
so dont give it up. its such a part of u. it is u, really.
happi birthdae 🙂 again.
i wish u love.
i think u learnt alot all this while. i dont think anyone besides you will know how much you have blossomed. but i think u gained alot of strength. alot more insights and alot more wise. i think motherhood changed you , enriched u, strengthened you in ways more than one. i think you r awesome.
and i think you hold right opinion in many ways.
continue to follow your heart in the days ahead, i wish you happiness, i wish you bliss, i wish you to be well n happy. you definitely deserve all that you asked for, nothing less. continue to have high expectations of yourself. continue to better yourself in ways more than one.
continue to remain true to your heart and to speak out what you feel at heart.
you need not need anyone’s approval or agreement. you need not anyone to second you.
go forth in your kind ideas, learn to validate and feel confident with yourself.
you have what it takes.
think seriously about the next step you want to take.
you need to nourish yourself before you can nourish your family. you need to be in balance and at peace before you can let your family and kids feel at peace. make time for yourself, always.
i pray that you have the wisdom to bye away any obsolete ideas and mindsets, i pray that you b able to create new pathways, new ideas, new attitudes and behaviours that will help you and people around you.
i wish you courage, i wish for you determination. i wish you broad-mindedness.
in all of these, do not forget to forgive yourself, learn to be kinder to yourself, learn to b more generous with yourself. learn to take better care of yourself.
learn to be a light upon yourself and upon others.
i know your mommy is so proud of you.
happy sweet 34, dear.”
III. But not all is the same.
“happi birthdae TPY. i wish for u courage, to bye away the old. I wish for u determination, to continue the good u have. i wish for u wisdom, to do good n b a light. i wish for u strength in life. above all, i wish u love on the road to bettering urself. happi sweeet 34, girl!”
i m so proud of myself, these all i really did, in the last 365 days that flew by.
having gone back to work, i didn’t forget that i m first a mother, then a worker.
I fought hard to do what I want: to write. I fought so hard to get the chance to speak to top chefs.
And fighter I m!
i stretched myself, i extended my limits, i took care of my family and of my responsibilities at work, i went deeper and wider. i became wiser. i really tried to the best, best best of my ability. i never did compromised on standards.
and of late, i realised that i may not be important or highly regarded by my workplace, but i m most important to my family and my precious babies.
And i had the newfound sense of courage to voice out my innermost wishes.
and so i have no qualms about letting go of my work when the timing is ripe.
and so i say, happy birthday TPY.
you are awesome. super awesome.
Continue to follow your heart in the days ahead. Continue to discover! Fight for what you believe in. i wish for you great health and mental well being, so you can extend yourself to the service of others. To heal and let heal. I wish for you great wisdom and strength, to be the best of yourself, to believe in yourself and to be just, honestly you. I wish for you freedom and to be you always from the heart. Be like a kid all over again! I wish for you wisdom to let go on the excesses and to live simply. I wish for you inspiration to light up your own and others. I wish you love and lots to share.
i wish u, Happiness, all over again.
Happy happy birthday my dear!
to really say things that one means in the heart.
that is something i should learn. that is real respect for myself and others.
我跟她说，i feel so heartbroken.
i thought that is her last straw。
My planned work trips started me thinking quite a bit .
About the road forth.
The thought about leaving my precious babies disturbed me.
I had rough ideas about the lifestyle I want for myself n my kids.
QinZhi made me want to come back for her more, the earlier, the better.
Then suddenly I heard a voice say:
I may not be important to my boss or my company, but I m the world to my children. I m so so so important.
I took this ring n my pair of Tiffany earrings out for a photoshoot . And I find myself silly keeping them in my drawer.
They look nice on me, so nice. ESP my pearl earrings. Why should I let my drawer see the most of them then?
And so they have been on me.