Not alone

Dearies

Today life showed an example of impermanence n change as the very nature of life.
Gengyan had a v bad sore throat n at evening he told us he wanted to go to a&e.
At first we were like…go to Chinese doctor n take ling yang, but once I saw a picture of his throat, I said go immediately.

And true enough, he needed an operation, to remove the pus surrounding his tonsil.

At the end of this, he texted us, n said: “op over, I m shivering.”

To which I replied, “us all too”

We were with him.

The thing that appeared ironical to me was, daddy’s cool manner. Throughout the day, he remained cool n distant. Clearly angry.

When huaihao was crying n he was carrying him, I didn’t hear if he coaxed him or got creative in any way. He was like a robot.

The last straw was when he knew gengyan was in some kind of trouble, but he didn’t ask. He did not even bother to ask me, neither did he stand in my shoe . He couldn’t understand how worried I was or if I needed a hug.

There wasn’t even a word from him.

I m stunned n shocked beyond words. I was badly shaken .

And that was on top of one month plus lack of sleep, grogginess, giddiness. All sorts of pain n discomfort.

I was walking unbalanced.but I still tried my best to tend to huaihao. I wished he could offer more help by trying out more with huaihao while I was worried. when i was stretched out. when I was up in the night, I wished he could say : why don’t I wake up in the middle of the night to bottle feed huaihao?

When I needed a hand, a hug, a word, there was none I got from him.

Yet with all that, I still took a step n asked: r u angry with anything?

The reply was no n then the cool cold manner ensued.

I m his wife. I don’t know who else in life or on earth is closest to him other than me. But obviously, he is not with me. I don’t know where he is, what is on his mind.

And life has a way of teaching u about relativity, i felt so much the closer to my siblings n family tonight, n i felt so much more distant with him.

And this feeling… it is causing me so much agony.
That shouldn’t be, in a marriage.

Packing i: My very first pair of Alain Mikli

Saying goodbye seems more difficult than letting go sometimes

It’s v
emotional for me

I kept this pair of Alain Mikli in the cupboard for so many years.

And because I was repacking my stuffs, I encountered this dearie once more

That year
My purple specs was washed away in Phuket I think

Then I came back n had this pair made

It was of course, extremely expensive !

But I guess it’s time, better now,
Thank you for bringing me to the world n for bringing myself to me. And so , now, it’s time to let u go. My v first pair of Alain Mikli.

And I find myself tearing uncontrollably.