What is that in you

I saw this FB post of a friend.

“You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?
“Well because someone bumped into me, of course!”

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

So we have to ask ourselves, “what’s in my cup?”

When life gets tough, what spills over?

joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? OR anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions?”

Things that come into our life serve to tell us about ourselves, and that thing that is in us.

It is sunday today and I woke up happy , extremely happy to be alone, and to have a day devoted to myself and what I like to do.

Then I saw a mountain of clothes waiting to be ironed.

I was fired up and extremely frustrated and angry.

These clothes have been lying there for the past week! And out of the one week, I did ALL I could and even more as a working mother.

Waking up early to cook, doing all the chores I can and rushing home to cook. And having to wash up dirty plates and everything before I could start cooking, when I had little time or had to rush.

Out of those few days, bf was on leave. As i see it, he had time to do all these little by little.

And in my mind, i knew that i wanted him to rest and had time to rest, so I did ALL I could so that he could have more time to rest.

But rest he did.

So on  his off days he rest, but on my off days, i do what he could have but didnt do.

I was extremely mad.

We have had these conversations many times over.

And always, his logic was ——if you are not happy you do not do this, i’ll find my time to do.

But I just couldnt stand looking at that heap of clothes that has been there for one week.

Somebody has to do it.

At the basic level, I felt so so unfair, so so angry, why would I think for him and want for him to have a rest day without having to do anything, but he wouldnt think this way for me.

On normal days when he had rest and didnt have to do anything much, i still had to come back and wash up the pots and plates they had lunch on.

And even if he ironed, he would leave the clothes for me to keep.

IMG_4374

I decided to iron the clothes today again because I felt like i wanted both of us to have a gd rest day and i knew he wouldnt have time to iron today or tomoro, because he would be at work and I wanted him to have good rest after work.

So i chose covering this set of chores which he could have done so many days before, rather than choosing myself, rather than spending time going out for a walk or doing some writing like now.

I chose him over myself.

I also wanted myself to have a neat tidy house to enjoy my rest day.

So i picked up the iron and started.

But i got so so mad.

Because I knew i wanted to talk to him about this, n he wouldnt understand what i m saying, he wouldnt even appreciate or understand all this that ran in my mind,

he would just say:” i will find my time to do”

ANd i knew i would get so mad all over again.

Because i did ALL i could on my work days, and on days he rest to let him do little and have a n ice clean house to enjoy -But on my off day, i still have to do ALL i can to cover what he didnt do,

I thought of what qinzhi wrote on the note that day to her dad because she saw he just left for his massage and didnt even bother to clean the table nor empty the dustbin, she wrote smthg and at that point in time when I read it, i felt like she knew smthg more, n she said smthg out for me, she wrote : “DO ALL YOU HAVE TO!”

And today i finally understood why—whilst I was ironing.

I kept doing all I can for my family, my kids, my husband. But not all I can for myself. I was always putting them first.

And ahead of me.

And at that point when I was ironing. I knew why this thing got at me.

My mom was also always putting her family, her kids, her husband before her.

My father didnt appreciate her and all those efforts.

Maybe he did, but too late.

When i realised this, I realised i walked in her footsteps and I was not too happy about all this because my own husband didnt understand and didnt appreciate what I had done.

If he had, he wouldnt choose or done allowed things to be this way. He would have cleaned up all the dishes or ironed all the clothes.

He wouldnt bear to let me, or he would think ahead for me, or consider for me.

At least he wouldnt leave those clothes there for me, he wouldnt even leave clothes there even after ironing.

And thinking of the post I saw on FB, i understand why i m so disturbed and worked up, its not even about the work, nor the clothes, its about what I have in me.

I do not want to let days come on and for myself to do these over and over again, its also not about not happy dont do, its about that level of appreciation and consideration for the other party.

its about putting someone else before yourself.

i m angry and frustrated at myself because these things that happen once and again show me how silly i m in putting others before myself, and i hate to admit i made a wrong decision.

I do not want to be like my mother, i do not want a husband who doesnt see my point and not recognise or appreciate me, i do not tolerate laziness and nonsense.

Never. I do not want to be like my mother. Doing everything she has to everything she could and more . Faithfully doing something and always so giving or sacrificing of her self, little by little till she had no life left.

Its about me.

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