2013 in retrospect

As the year draws to a close
I m feeling a little heavy n laden.

with the years’s unhappiness it seems .

Unhappiness is something I m not too skillful dealing with.

But, I will learn. And i think i m getting better at recognising it.

As I grow older, mental fatigue has its way of translating into physically energy sapping forms. it is sagging me down, eating up my energy n making me lethargic, taxing me out, as always to invite my attention.

It wants me to take care of it.

To be fair, I did good in 2013.
On 30th dec 2012, I wrote :

“What will the new 2013 bring me? What will the new time bring me?

I WILL pray n hope for the best, with all optimism n walk each step with great wisdom n awareness, each time acknowledging the habit that i have sown in me, but as well n more, seeing it as an opportunity to veer myself off this habit each time it arises, creating a new pathway towards goodness.

And in this work, bettering me.

with awareness, i know i can do it.
For that is what i want my children to.

Thank you 2012.
I grew up a lot in the good time u gave me.
And I m grateful eternally, for all the opportunities n kindness you have shown me.

Now I say with pride, that I made good each n every of them to the best of my ability.

If 2012 were for inspirations, 2013 must be for putting those hard earned inspirations into place.

I will carry all the inspirations that I have had with me into 2013, to work towards a better me n into building my family. I will refine the understandings n work towards being stronger, wiser n becoming more aware.”

Looking back, I realized This I did, to the best of my ability. So well done girl!

2013 Gave me a fair share of happy times with my precious dearies.

Haohao is such a precious addition to the family.

This baby came 8 days late . Epidural free, He gave me the opportunity to b mother again. To right all the wrongs I have done. To breastfeed again. To take care of him from young. Then, To grow n learn with him . To be inspired. To savor the joy of seeing him sit up, crawl, then walk.

To be closer to myself. It was a big leap for me, transitioning from full time career to full time home maker.

Growing with haohao gave me the opportunity to reflect, ponder, imagine n wonder. It gave me the opportunity to see myself when I was a baby, to see myself as a parent n as a child to my father.

haohao gave me wonderful times. Immeasurable joy n contentment . Haohao checked me in more ways than one.

Those moments with him allowed me to realise wisdom, n made me grow. I think i m a better person because of haohao.

i think i c the happy confident new me in haohao.

And qinzhi of course. To see haohao with qinzhi is yet another heartwarming sight.

Then, To be with qinzhi, to bathe her, feed her, sleep with her, read to her, take her to Yamaha n to learn music with her again is yet more enlightening experience.

I became a child again. It was as if I took a peep into my memory bank. As a child, my mommy took me to Yamaha too.

i learned from qinzhi’s mistakes n character. i saw myself in her, a weaker me, the old me, a less confident fearful me. as qinzhi feared n worried, n did not dare take steps forward, i pained with her, n i know these r the things i need to outgrow. These are the lessons were important to me for they challenged me n made the me now.

So qinzhi and haohao made me.

2013 Gave me a precious chance to b at home with my two dearies.  they gave me a chance to b mother to them n to mother myself. In the simplest littlest of all things that I did for my babies, I felt grounded n down to earth. I felt real although I was tired out. i was so so so tired..

Life n living was non fanciful but v v real. I lived with little money, but life was v big.

i enjoyed sourcing for all the lovely products and cooked them with lots of love n care. i wanted my family to enjoy what the products offered n in turn b nourished. i had a lovely oven who could allow us to enjoy baked vegetables. i found all the colours i needed on a baking sheet. i loved the smells coming out of the oven, esp when we had breads in there. I made nice warm soup that is good for the soul.

Being mother was the best thing that happened to me. It tested me, opened me up, stretched me, fulfilled me, it challenged my study of awareness.

Taking care of someone else isn’t easy. i had v high expectations of myself, n i realise, U v easily lose yourself in that purpose. U lose yourself mentally n physically. There comes a point of time that you so want to b alone.

to find me.

I needed nourishment as well.

I love my children.

No matter how much I gave, no matter how tired I m, I only wanted to give more.It didn’t matter if I was taxed out or sacrificed, I just wanted to do more good for these angels, truly godsend , I believe, to bless me, teach me, guide me, inspire me.

But a part of me needed love too. Like a plant that needed watering. i needed to b taken care of too. Like a baby.

It was that basic.

The heart cant b helped but is tugged n bogged down. And I know it is where the love is, or isn’t .

For 2013 did less to fulfill me in this aspect. When I wanted so much to be cared for n loved, things went the exact opposite.

my love was tested. our love was, We quarreled n quibbled n waged wars on one another due to differences in opinion. Communication was broken, so were feelings n the days .

My mind was broken, so was my body. my spirit was beaten.

its like a flower in the reality of wilt, not having the sunshine n water it needed most.

Love was the biggest lesson 2013 had for me .

And I guess the wreck was severe , it was the worst of all the years we have been together.
looking back now, It seemed especially  scary to me. I wonder if there can be better ways of addressing those situations. Surely, there can be.

but why didn’t those alternatives come by to rescue me?

Looking back now, its the love, or the lack of it, that drowned me so v much in the days of 2013. Sometimes tears just fall, thinking about the gap in between.

But I gave my all, n i tried my best really. I took initiatives , I wrote, I asked questions, I did all I could.

I rescued my love in many ways more than one.

As a woman, I could say : I tried v hard, too hard for my own good n so got v beaten .

But all these taught me much. It was my way of learning.

To be independent , to believe in myself , to listen to my own heart n to fight for my rights.

And I like to rest all these unhappiness with 2013 who is going away. Thank you for the lessons.

with sincere gratitude, thank u, 2013.

I think 2013 was about selfless giving n to a certain extent, experimenting with a different way of life, trying to put in place the inspirations i have had.

In the new 2014, i think it will be about executing certain inspirations with a higher level of confidence n boldness, with a stronger n surer sense of myself.

i want to be with my kids n myself more. I want to work for a better love. Find my love back.

I want to slow down.

I need to learn to b more selective. Whether it b at work or my diet. Whether it b a thought or a feeling.

I want to reclaim a bit of myself. I like to find me back, on a deeper level. I want my heart, soul n body to sync more n i will work towards that, so as to gain a deeper more solid sense of inner ease n peace, n emotional stability.

i want to do more good in more ways than one, it could be in writing, to inspire n to b inspired. i hope to be able to meet my teacher n to receive guidance n blessings from him, yongey mingyur rinpoche. i hope to b able to contribute n to help people in need. along the way, roping my children in.

i want to work towards being more attentive to my heart, to listen to its voice n to follow it.

I want to correct myself, all those unwholesome ways n be positive .

i want to open myself up further, to invite more space, n create depth n width in my body n mind.

i want to better myself n be more generous to myself n to others. i want to be more grounded n aware. i want to help myself grow in wisdom. i want to heal myself.

I want to make an obvious step to moving toward greater freedom, greater mental well-being, greater balance, greater meaning

I want to eat sleep n live like a baby.

I know I m powerful n I want to b with my power .

i want to be more mindful.

i want to be in the moment. Be open n present to life.

just be. be the light that i was n have been, to reclaim that light, to be a light upon myself n to others.

And feeling lighter now, I say , with open arms: welcome 2014. I wish you love.