I was tidying up my writeup for the column in the paper and had the chance to have another look at Alain Passard, and the story I did with him.
It brings me this warmth looking at the video, and the address of his restaurant in Paris, it was exactly what I saw, I loved his quotes and looking at the video, I feel blessed to have heard these wonderful things he shared.
The only thing left to do when you are afraid to take risks is nothing.
My hands wanted to explore new sensations on vegetable textures. I wanted new flavours, new scents, new images, new sounds.
“I never regretted it. Every day is like a first day. We are artisans and we have an incredible job. Very few jobs allow you to activate your five senses. It is a stimulating job that makes you feel good. Great cooking today is more of an adventure than just a job.” We do this job because we have passion for it and because we love it, and it is gratifying to the five senses. I like to be puzzled by a scent, a flavour, the sight of something in the garden, for instance, the sound of fire on the stove, the sound of cooking. A tomato and a celery do not make the same sound during cooking. Finally comes the hand, the gesture, that is able to craft something completely new. We are able to nourish our five senses through this creative process.” This energy is focused in one place where I love to be, with my team.”
Nuance is the hardest thing to teach. It is like tempo music, like learning how to make a pause in a recipe — that’s the most difficult.”
After a slight pause, he adds: “Everything I have achieved today comes from my 10 fingers, from my hand at work every day. I think my hands are the most precious thing I have besides sight. That’s what I want to teach to all my chef students — the gesture, the grace, the agility of the hand, the dexterity of the hand.”
Before I knew it, we have come to the last month, then last weekend, last day of 2019.
How has it been? So much has gone by, in a whirlwind. It is no wonder that at the end of this decade, this last month of 2019, I felt the pull of all the energies, all the remnants of emotions, no wonder.
It is now, that I understand why I have been feeling dizzy of late. As if the whole weight of the decade, all the experiences, the learnings, the upheavals, bore their weight down, collectively. I feel a lump in my throat. I had to breathe harder than usual.
And the last year of this decade: So intense, probably one of the most intense emotionally, one of the most demanding psychologically, mentally, hence physically.
In this last year, there seemed to be more lows. Intense dense heavy lows for me, but also, because of these lows, I learned to be thankful whenever I savoured sweetness and recognised the pleasantness of a steady smooth plateau.
Or delight in the ordinariness of life.
How pleasant how wonderful how precious is each normal ordinary day! I learnt that a day that could go by smoothly and having us all together is already magic.
And a total godsend, a gift.
So what if there are little tiffs here and there?
As I looked out of the window and admired the fireworks, the others asleep, I realise that nothing can not be let go, and it would be silly not to let go, or to continue grasping. Because just being here to witness this moment, is THE most important thing and the best thing one can have.
I learned to look at the big picture and not sweat the small stuff. Life taught me how to let go of the little things, teaching me to expand and broaden my views, my inner being.
I looked back on 2019 and I think it is and will be one of the most important years in my life.
Why?
I made the best decision of my life and that was to quit M. I followed my heart, it was one event that distilled out lots for me, it showed me that which my heart wills—not money, reputation, career, status, but heeding the advice of my heart.
And no, it was not difficult to let go. Contrary to what I felt a while ago, it was easy in fact.
I haven’t felt so satisfied with myself for so long, chatting with the kids earlier, we spoke about the best time in 2019, and I said it was the moment I stepped out of the office on that last day.
I probably wouldn’t know, even now, how I could have made that decision so easily, as if without a care—like what Alain Passard said, even till now as we were chatting then, he still could not fully comprehend his decision, but also, as we were speaking, he began to appreciate bits that did not occur to him and he finds himself better able to understand his decision in its entirety.
Pretty much my feelings too about quitting. I am still dishing out bits and pieces here and there that I did not comprehend a while ago or at that time.
Quitting and Stopping was important to me.
Stopping to get a hold of myself, my family, my kids, my husband, my life and—time.
I want to be in the moment, to live, and not just pass time by. I want to take the time.
I am glad I had that light guide me and my wisdom helped me to make this decision.
One other magical moment, utmost magical, was when Dr Gwee told me, the cyst has shrunk. And those few days, I worked with essential oils, my guides, my dharma protectors—– in a bid to heal myself. To create the reality I want.
I witnessed the impossible—-it was magic thru and thru.
I experienced and learnt for myself:
-healing myself, undoing what was done
-how the body can heal itself and without medication
-how thoughts can drive the body and work with the body
-how important positive thoughts are
-the importance of conversing with light, our guardian angels and our protectors who are always here for us
-the importance of being with the body and communicating with the body, not dismissing it, not recognising it, abusing it, wasting it.
I had the most precious experience of healing myself. Because after a while, you realise that —–you just had yourself and that was it. And if you want yourself, start to talk to your body and yourself more. Be intuitive and primitive was one of the best things that helped healed me.
More than these, I think I had immense wisdom when managing my marriage and my relationship with my husband.
There were lots of anger, probably the most in the almost 20 years we have been together. There were so many times I was so tested, but I just kept on. Not that we are very well now, but I m learning to appreciate things at a deeper level such as, understanding (as what Mr Ng said) that we chose each other to complement each other. Or, maybe I could have hurt him in my past lives way too much.
Even so, I expressed myself as much as I could. I learnt with all these experiences that it is not about compromising and suppressing my emotions and letting the other party get the upper hand out of love—-like what my mother would/had chosen to. But more than this way of loving—which I have repeated and learned from her, its expressing honestly what I feel at heart.
That is a breakthrough.
And I would continue to, with awareness—–love this way. Or start loving this way.
2019 made me aware that I copied or lived on my mommy way too much, I lived to fulfil her, address her, seek fairness for her.
But I did not live my life as TPY.
Events happen and in the process I struggle and sought light to be me. It was tough really! But thankful for the dharma and teachers who came and supported me along the way.
I tried reiki! And got to get a taste of the power of the hands when applied with good intention. The last time I had an inkling of what the hands can do, it was in India when I had the chance to eat with my hands at Bukara. With reiki, I experienced the magic of the hands yet once more, its a deeper feeling of knowing the hands better.
I tried and got hooked on kundalini yoga after reconnecting with Punam and the practice is one of the most important saviours for me. Each sitting and practice teaches me to be grateful and appreciative, I learn to take time for myself to attend these sessions for self care, I learn to be aware of the subtle body and these subtleties of life. And feeling the surrounding abiding calm. Recognising a clear mind, and falling into deep deep sleep on the mat.
I became a volunteer for Tsoknyi Rinpoche with the kids! I attended a retreat! And made new friends!
I reconnected with Yen Chua who is now supporting the kids’ art therapy.
I had the chance to taste waters!
I had the chance to write for BT!
I had the chance to pick up journalism again.
I had the chance to contribute ideas to Zenxin!
I had the chance to bring nanny and dad and qinzhi to Taiwan. I had the chance to date bf in Taiwan after sending the folks back to the hotel. We ate at the night markets in the cold.I had the chance to buy for Qinzhi the writing books she liked. I fulfilled Qinzhi’s dream of going to Taipei.
2019 surprised me with alot of tests on all levels, physically, emotionally, mentally. I came through them using what I learnt, values, morals, ethics, but more so, dharma and buddhism, gut and intuition, essential oils, understanding, love and compassion for myself and others.
2019 tested what I knew, and allowed me opportunities to put what I learnt into practice and let me see for myself what worked and what not. It showed me that I am on my path and that I had support as always and I had the tools I need and going forward, all I need are slight adjustments to align me with my life’s purpose.
And that is what I will do and seek in the brand new year ahead. To put into practice to cement these that I have—support, tools and techniques, further to strengthen myself.
To build up my health further
To heal the cyst completely
To heal the keloids
To live honestly, speak honestly—–To be authentic
To cook more healthy nutritious colourful meals
To spend more quality time with kids and family
To contribute my light to the world in meaningful ways
To explore new fields professionally
To reinforce and further align myself to green eating and spread my influence on green eating and eating well
Make videos that will make a difference for top professionals in their fields
Slow down to be in the moment
Attend more buddhist retreats
Do more holidays
Pick up something new
To go deeper and strengthen my practice in kundalini yoga
To practice for 5 minutes a day
To create a routine of using essential oils
To eat slowly
To drink slowly
To eat less
To be on the phone less
To be TPY
To be more mindful to break cycles and transform
Would really like to meet Khadro La
Do less. Be More
And what about the decade that has gone by?
Qinzhi was just born in 2009, and she’s 10 now. It was in 2009 that I discovered I had a higher than usual Ca 19.9 which further kickstarted my journey to soul evolution. Exploring and scaling the peaks of my inner landscape.
And in the 10 years, I had the privilege to cross paths with top masters, dharma teachers, chefs, and professionals who are in the league, pilates teacher, yoga teacher, Mr Ng, Yen……have conversations and become intrigued and inspired by them.
Conversations and experiences allowed me to explore life, myself, and I begin to recognise and acknowledge myself more, TPY came to life in the last 10 years as I defined myself.
It has been amazing and I am thankful for the blessings I have received.
I pray as we welcome a new year and decade, that each day be filled with mindfulness, goodness, wonder, magic, positivity, healthfulness, vitality, vigour. May each day be filled with light and love to inspire us guide us heal us bless us protect us.
May we all intuitively creatively courageously broadmindedly adopt the new! New habits, attitudes, mindsets, pathways that will serve us best ! And in the process effortlessly transform and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.
I sincerely pray that we all be imbued with wisdom and light and release all energies, imprints pain and suffering that do not serve us. May we all receive healing at all levels of our existence.
May all sentient beings be well and happy!
May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes.
May all sentient beings be free from suffering and its causes.
May all sentient beings be never separated from sorrowless bliss.
May all sentient beings abide in equanimity.
We can all create the reality we want. Effortlessly.
May all experience light and its wonder. May the new year and the decade ahead bring us lots of blessings and goodness at its best as I become happy healthy shiny TPY. Happy 2020!
So many precious teachings shared by Tsoknyi Rinpoche in the last few days.
Respect complexity with simplicity at heart
Find unconditional happiness that is simple, With that simplicity we engage world, so you actually observe the dance between simplicity and complexity.
2. Recognize our innate birth right human qualities
With mindful awareness to nurture fully then we can be fully be/being.
We are faced with human nature n human conditions, the latter we can transform to nurture our beautiful human nature.
3. Blockages
See the blockages? Don’t need to feel bad we all have blockages
We have so many beautiful qualities that we r not nurturing nourishing because difficult human conditions leave imprints on us, these imprints are healthy and unhealthy.
Through awareness of feelings we can know them better:
Are these imprints in our feeling world or thinking mind?
Human nature is beautiful n has a lot of quality, awakening enlightened quality. But humans need to live in conditions – like society education upbringing. Human conditions is like stock market that goes up n downs n leave imprints.
Unhealthy imprints we transform. We transform together.
How do we know imprints is healthy or unhealthy?
Eg fear has healthy and unhealthy fear
Every learning is imprint, there are learned habitual patterns n karmic imprints.
Identify healthy fear and unhealthy fear ?
Do you see we have this ability – oh this is my imprint oh is this fact
Can you differentiate that?
Yes you have ability but r u practicing that?
We have ability but most of time we don’t practice- why don’t we see what is missing?
We need to practice! We need awareness, Need Conscious awareness !
4. Imprints in the subtle body
Ups n downs of human conditions give imprints, imprints gives us problems in life n we see things distorted
So we need to Transform our distorted glass to see the fact
See through. Then, Love comes without external reasons because u see truth n power of truth. Then there is Joy n openness, awareness n stillness, inner peace simplicity.
Transform distorted unhealthy imprints, because even if you don’t know, they r changing your life!
Be well inwardly, Become a small hero be internally healthy
Subtle body practices is v impt in this age. You have a right to feel well —-it’s called birthright
When outside go up n down and u still feel well
It’s balance of subtle body- nadi bindu prana
So feel ok naturally internally , that’s Inner wealth, Inner well being, Inner strength.
Reconnect rejuvenate you inner body subtle health
Enquire
Investigate
Analyze
Problem is not knowing but something else is blocking. Many years ago we don’t know so we make mistakes. But now we know but cannot practice—-because Something else is blocking
We must be aware of blockages n transform that so we can have better life
It’s not about logical facts it’s abt smtg else, this smtg else is happening blocking you.
Circumstance sin life (like bridge) triggered u, so you already have smtg else inside you. Why did the circumstance (bridge) trigger not another but trigger me? Do u blame the circumstance (bridge)?
We r all human but have different conditions.
Scan yourself internally
Realize you have this imprint – such as fear of height that you have but another don’t have
Because Human conditions differ
Imprint is chop not healed , like wounds or beautiful monsters
Like cause, Imprint triggered and activated and goes one more time
Now practice and meditation n mindful awareness comes!
We need this experience ! If not how to transform our imprint?
At first we can’t control but slowly with practice we can heal n slowly heal n get lesser
After activation normally we react to it we believe it
Thru practice n meditation n awareness, instead of joining them u find some other place to be
It’s just leftover residue
Not the situation not actual fact
Keep training that way
Try not reacting
When we not reacting we will not reinforce
Why imprint start to transform?
Because we not reinforcing
Why we r lot reinforcing
Because we not reacting not feeding it
How not to react – aware of it feel it
Noticing it
Cultivate some other goodness
Then the distorted condition will open up
Even when u r sleepy u feel openness warm heart conscious mindful awareness
Once I lose awareness U fall into unconsciousness n cannot liberate
Grounded
Mind in a grounded body
Emotion is reaction
Stop thinking
Because Thinking will explain
Mind always want to make conclusion to feeling
5. Practice
Just feel
Just aware of what you can be aware of
No thinking
Just noticing
Don’t push away
Pushing away is unkind
Any that arise let it b
If not don’t look for it
Relax
Event is gone
You feel pain anxiety etc but it’s not true
It is real but not true
Welcome everything
Practice this again n again
One day u will see v clearly human nature n human conditions
6. HelpingAnother
If u want to help your difficult child don’t lecture feel the pain with him together
Stay there
They don’t want your solution
They know but cannot do it
7. Practice
Just drop into body
If u keep thinking the same u r not thinking new thoughts
Y do thoughts arise?
Every thought has a teabag imprint emotional teabag
To release the thought go back to teabag the emotional blockage aware of that thought feel that thought n communicate to that thought n release that understanding let it go nicely
Sometime U need to forgive n accept
Many ways to communicate
8 . Can we change imprint ?
Acknowledge emotion and learned habitual patterns. Acknowledge no need to scared- that imprint is not you – Buddha nature is u intelligent is u compassionate is you. It’s just part of me but not who I m . Who I m? I m emptiness luminosity you r Buddha nature
Transform
Handshake practice- even if we know bridge is safe cognitive mind understand but what abt feeling ?feeling need to know what mind feels otherwise still split – need good connection between mind n feeling. Mind n feeling need to communicate come together and make friends to transform . Otherwise it’s just understanding not transforming
Day 2Prana or lung or Qi related teachings
Subtle body consists –
Nadi
Prana
Bindu
Lung
Is Source or cause Of Internal movements n external movements
Drives thought emotion blood flow
When this lung is distorted many unhappy
Lung moves thru channels with right speed all well
If too fast, creates certain feelings
When lung too slow or low,
Need balance
Understanding lung v impt
Nature of lung is v fine
Almost invisible but impact great on our lives
We can feel it’s impact on nadi we feel in our nerves
See effect of Qi or lung
Qi effects mind
Mind effects Qi
Almost together
Qi rest in dantian
Qi rises up because of worry a lot of external conditions
Mind active Qi comes
Qi comes horse comes Qi down horse goes
Mind active with hope n fear
From childhood we disturb our lung
One day Qi lost its root n place n always stays up head n in different channels n cause different emotions esp restlessness anxious panic
—— massage relax holidays
Qi is doing all the work
Qi creates things n keeps moving
Qi gets wrong habit of loving
Lung is not listening to mind anymore
There’s a way to calm down
Lung- symptom of it is disturb stillness keeps wanting to move
Mind n Lung not cooperating
Used to listen to mind
Now it’s lung disorder
When in lung disorder or distorted lung
Whole perception feels rushed
Speedy lung Shapes perception
Feel head hot just keep moving mouth dry eyes hot
Lung just keeps moving
Mind says smtg but feeling not like that
Problem when mind is subdued by lung n feels busy n restlessness
So aware
Differentiate
Restlessness is not mind is the lung
Have to bring Qi down to develop stillness
Bring Qi to home- redirect!
Vase breathing can help!
Upper belly
Lower belly
There r 3 types of speed-
1.Physical
2.Subtle body
3.Cognitive mind speed
Mind fast is good coz u r alert n understand quickly it should b like that
but not fast in distorted way
Distorted Qi don’t want to stay one place for three hours
Qi influence thought
We get burnt out because we r beaten by this Qi
Qi says not this one but next one
Qi says The right one is the next one
No fully being
Find speed of physical body
Mind clear n alert
Lung peaceful
So your body can do things quickly mind fast n alert but lung is low is calm n relaxed
Calm has nothing to do with physical it’s energy
Stress comes fr thought emotion n fast moving Qi
When Relax – release thought emotion
Smile at Qi
Inner beauty
Bring alignment
Bindu is home of clarity, guts or courage, love, joy, Humour
When bindu not circulating properly, u feel fear uncertain foggy n can’t find any reason
Taken over by unhealthy distorted fear
2 kinds of love -essence love n expression love
We r caught up with expression love or conditional love ie because of smtg
Expression love kills essence love
If u follow this ( conditions) you will lose your love
When bindu is moving properly thru u it feels like I m okay feel ok I want to give my okayness
Without this there’s a hollow empty feeling
When u have a hollow things hit uneasily
Advertisements etc
So connect with essence love bindu
Without losing can practice expression love
Essence love is unconditional love
Wellbeing or feeling good Without reason
Conditional love will change because these external conditions expression love is based reliant on will change
Essence love – Without reason makes you attractive
Feel clarity joy humour
Talk to your blockage
When one doesn’t wake up for work, it is because one is discouraged n doesn’t see value in oneself
Human conditions can change it’s not permanent
Try to smile to the pain
Just smile
Don’t judge it
When u see the pain It means u r coming closer to the beautiful monster so lean on it
hug it
Pain has an end to it
After a while it will open up n go away
It will exhaust
Just wait
Waiting is also kindness
Say sorry – sorry u have to go thru this way
Communicate with pain
Thank you I have learnt from you
Thank your beautiful monsters because I have learnt a lot from them
Day 3 Cultivate
Without subtle body practice can’t experience clarity as we r disturbed by imprints Qi imbalance lack of essence love
Now I know what to cultivate
If u practice u have gd tools
If u practice u can transform
Everyday I put effort to cultivate
Essence love gives u deep calm guts about who u really r
That as a ground to practice clarity
Look at our imprints
Bring down lung into balance
Connect with Essence love
Cultivate bodhicitta
Wisdom
Imprints are leftover residue
Triggered or activated by similar experience
Liberate by being kind n talking to imprint n feelings
Can differentiate Voice from cognitive mind vs voice fr feeling world
Body needs to hear you talk to it
It’s an expression of love
Beautiful monsters are shaping our lives n we r reacting subconsciously
With conscious practice we can change them
A lot of fun
Discover n understanding your loved ones
Know that beautiful monster is but a residue
Have awareness
Persist n communicate with beautiful monster
Bring Qi to balance
Hollow is a a problem
Sophisticated modern life creates a lot of hollow but if u connect w essence love hollow goes away n become small bodhisottva
Transmit to children
N nourish their essence love
Help them to nourish
Clarity
Knowing thinking (mind ) awareness clarity
Clarity is uniqueness of mind also called luminosity
Healthy mind – clear, thought free , nowness
Keep calmness n alert- without sinking
Open up our five senses
Knowing everything ewww
Know but not grasping or fixated
Shamatha without object or support
Free means fearless
Means no blockages
When close everything u r making war
2nd shamatha practice is with object
Intentionally u focus on flower
Aware n knowing n b with flower
People moving smell etc all don’t disturb u
Gentle concentration
In order to transform we have to repeat
Dropping exercise
Just drop la
It’s the beginning of practice before handshake
There r many Things we can drop but lack of mindfulness we keep holding in our being
So be aware n drop or with mindful awareness we let it go
Then relax
For strong emotions feel n slowly it opens up n heals
Some pockets of stress high lung drop
Be carefree inside
We have this capability but we forget so we dropping consciously as a practice but not from pressure
Find freedom in your body
Drop
Just free be with that openness
Say nice words
Trigger goodness
Bringing Qi home
awareness
Breath
Bindu connected with clarity love bliss courage humour when bindu goes thru u have these qualities n basis of healthy subtle body—-loving kindness —- bodhicitta ——— open heart
we r aware of our mind n Clarity
Practice 45 min evyday
drop
Take refuge – visualize Buddha or thousands of Buddhas in front of you
Chant – May I be enlightened so that I can help myself and others
Visualization with mantra- guanyin, Tara, ask for blessings for yourself for all light goes infinity while chanting . 1 Mala.
Buddha light infiltrate your being. Mingling your mind with Buddha
Meditation
Dedicate
Handshake practice – as u need it
Please live healthy happy don’t fight in the family
Not worth it
Life is more beautiful than fighting
While you are together love each other
Even if you can’t live don’t hurt
Things can change nothing is permanent
Change wrong cause n conditions
Bring good cause n conditions
Develop appreciation
Lack of appreciation gives anxiety
Happy with what I have – don’t forget the gd you have n keep looking
Even after I lost you, I could not know how much you meant to me.
Every year on your birthday, I am reminded how I celebrated your birthday only once —–and that was just a few weeks before you passed away.
Ironically after that, every year, I say happy birthday to you. I m sure you could hear me, because that is what teacher said—that we are bounded by our own dimensions and we see and act and believe we are in this three-dimensional world, but the fact is not so.
We are in more than three and that is how we can change things. By moving on to a plane that exceeds the three we bound ourselves in.
I imagine you would ask me—how are you doing my girl?
Everything I did made you proud of me. Isnt that so mommy? So when I chose my boyfriend then, you did not even say anything. It was dad, who said that my choice had very bad temperaments and I would suffer as a result of that.
How could he foresee?
I did a lot of things mommy.
I went from journalist to content director of M Guides. You must have been so proud of me.
But I took myself down at that level and came back to zero, doing housework washing clothes ironing, cooking for the family now everyday.
What would you say if you were here?
I think you would have asked me to stay at work. You would say, “girls need to earn their own keep.”
But I didnt think I would be happy there in that space. And I was brave enough to say no to it.
It would not be where I put my creative energies to.
But I am also not doing so well mommy.
Because I know so much more than the past. Because I have grown up and matured and understood more about life about you and about myself after so long.
Most of all, I now know your pain and what you have been going through. And can now understand the choice of your soul to leave us, even if you loved us so much.
You took it out onto yourself, like so many women have, to let love affect themselves, their health, their happiness.
Why we go though what we go through, each and every path we take, each and every person or event we go through is there because our soul wanted it. I know it now.
I never knew so much about life until now. And life is indeed—-about a lot of suffering.
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