Dear Qinzhi
i was at ZbBz’s anniversary event earlier on, but due to whatever reasons, i had a panic attack. i guess i got excited, then there were some nice souls who came n asked me how i was, there was one who said, why r u so tired….?
n it came up…
i must have not knowingly tried to bear with it, suppress it, push it down many times, until i was numb in the hands
i did not like the feeling,
one came up to me n said, u look tired, take a seat.
i wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay, i told myself, a bit longer, a bit longer. then a thought juz came n said, juz go. so i told a colleague n left.
immediately after walking out, the pnic attack seemed to lessen considerably, the numbness left.
it was such a marked difference, it gave me an insight, that is, what i have learnt earlier－－－－离开意味某种放下，放下了马上觉得舒服。
after a walk, i wanted to go back, i thought i had gotten better, why not go back? there was a toasting session that needed me to be around n all the big bosses in SPH were there. People would say, where is Pin Yen. And they would know i m no feeling well. And some might know i m not feeling well because of a panic attack.
i thought, should i go? should i?
my gut didnt want me to, my mind wanted me to.
i chose to listen to my gut. it was instinctive.
no reasons were needed, i juz listened.
at first, i felt lousy, why dont i stick on?juz bear it for a while more? i felt inferior.
but as i was writing a msg to daddy, i suddenly felt like crying.
listening to myself feels so good. in it is acknowledging one’s self. my gut wanted me to pay attention to my body because my body needed rest.
so i came home n bought myself a little dessert n starting writing to qinzhi.
n i felt good, so much better than silly me bearing it down there. and daddy said, enjoy your shower ba, more important than making your bosses happy.
dear qinzhi, i hope u learn to listen to urself as early as u can. learn to, and u will benefit more.
原来，离开是为了稍后回来。
唯有放下，才有后来的拿起。这句话，之前听一位受访者说，当时只是感动，不太明白。现在完全能领略。
我可以吗？不顾一切，只是回到沁芝身边。每天跟着沁芝。
好像没有很难。
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