Healing (XXXIX)

Had a most wonderful mind spa session today.

After the session, Mr Ng commented, ” wow you are so bright now!”

I looked around me, the room suddenly spanked light.

It was so bright?

Why didn’t I even know?

Mr Ng said, “I didn’t change the bulbs at all.”

It’s originally so bright?

He nodded.

I took awhile to absorb the light, breathe in the light. Enjoy the light. Bathe in light.

I want to remember that brightness.

In that silence of bathing in it, I heard gratitude.

Not many people have the chance to see this light. I have the opportunity and I give my sincere thanks.

I m grateful for life, grateful to my parents for birthing me, my nanny for showering me with love. I m thankful to all the events that have happened in my life. I thank the universe n my protectors and guardian angels.

And I thank myself.

For once and again choosing the paths I have which brought me to light.

And because I m given this opportunity, which not many have, I want to make good this light. And do good to make good this opportunity.

To continue to write with my heart n honestly.

Mr Ng reminded me, ” to go with light and be light.”

It all started with the intention to discuss the headache I was having and the resignation I was going through.

I told teacher, of the struggles n conflict within.

How my lower self or habits attracted me to run away n seek comfort, I do not want to grow up! whilst my soul, deep down knew I wanted growth.

Teacher reminded me, ” growing up is not an easy path. People tend to idealise it but the road maybe a difficult one. So know that this is your choice. If you are conscious of your choice, that this decision is your choice, then whatever may be, it will not unsettle you.”

Teacher reinforced the idea of connecting again back to Mother Earth n the universe and to let the energy flow.

He reiterated that this would be the way to increase the time we spend with our higher selves instead of getting in touch with our lower self we are so accustomed to. Because some habits have been with us since aeons so it’s not easy to change in a while.

And I have to consciously do more of this connecting with earth and universe so that the energy flows.

He says, ” be gentle. Otherwise it might become a punishment instead and there will b side effects. Be very patient with yourself.”

So the question is, why do I not want to grow up?

The first thought is, I fear death.

He explained that some of the habits have been accumulated from the past and with a new body, they emit magnetic waves and attract people events in our lives. It’s this that we are succumbing to or subjected to once n again. We speak n act from this point.

So I said, there must be a way to rewrite this program right? With a lot of effort it’s possible.

“It is! The word I use is demagnetize. But the idea is this same. We talked about a magnetic field. So how to demagnetize? It’s tapping. When you tap, with an idea you are used to, you are tapping it out of your system, then u imbue the system with a good thought.”

It’s wonderful.

Just having an opportunity to exercise a change and the prospect of having it is a wondrous thing!

Teacher explained and we started.

I first tapped on my headache. Then a second layer came upon me.

I felt sick n tired and I just want to switch off. I m sick of the old practices and modes of thinking n behavior. I feel like they are making me reinforce old habits and I desperately want a breakthrough. I want to do away with the old. The old set of ways I have been accustomed to, they r limiting me in a way and have expired. I do not need them now. I want to bye them away!

We tapped on the headache.

But these came through.

Then teacher stopped.

“You have a lot of frustrations in you. I m stopping because of this. Let’s tap on your frustrations.”

I did and I became angry.

” Yes you are very angry. I could feel as if you wanted to carry things and throw them.”

I tapped on my anger.

Even teacher raised his voice to guide me

But the anger and so many of it is in me. My words became hard n cold I begin to quiver as I mouthed the words but I still contained the anger.

I just couldn’t let it out! Society culture me! I couldn’t!

He retreated to open a drawer and pulled out a towel.

“Cover your mouth.”

I swear I shouted n cried so hard.

So hard my legs started to move on the floor. My fingers gripped the towel so hard. My heart raced and my body felt so warm.

I screamed.

Then when I cooled down, Teacher said, ” it is very sad looking at you do this. Society culture family upbringing is stopping you from releasing all the anger and frustration in you. But you have to find a way to release. Otherwise it will hurt you in a very big way.”

This I certainly did not expect from him.

I said I guess my story of pent up frustration is not new or unique . Many people are the same. They do not express and become numb and close up along the way.

But the fact is, I do not want to b like that.

I felt my headache gone then come back as an aching feeling in the lower left back.

Then teacher wanted me to lie down.

I felt like crying on the bed and on the pillow. It just coaxed the tears out of me. There was a lot of reassuring healing love.

Space!

Teacher used a drum.

As it progressed, I saw images of my my mother, maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my uncle, my aunt, my maternal grandfather and kiat.

All the deaths in my family.

But I found myself acknowledging their deaths for once and said goodbye.

For once I acknowledged their deaths.

Then he breathed and sort of gently drew circles or— I do not know what at the crown of my head.

I heard birds chirping. In the background and they gave me comfort.

Sometimes I drifted away, where I do not know.

Then came back as I heard a toddler’s shoe making a sound on contact with the floor.

It’s the footsteps that woke me.

The sound of life.

It’s still amazing and wonderful and I give my thanks.

I thanked my protectors my guardian angels Buddha even teacher.

He says, ” your soul may be ready to move on but your body is still very attached to your company. So there are some tensions. It’s important to say a proper goodbye. ”

Teacher sat beside me and wanted me to say goodbye.

I found it hard in the beginning but I did.

SPH has been my support for the longest time, not just physical or in the monetary sense but also, emotionally.

Writing and SPH is my escape my support my home n me.

Especially when I had none or was lost.

So it’s really hard to let go.

So hard. So so hard.

I don’t know how to let go.

Every person every story I did make me learn n grow as a person. Opened me up and fulfilled me. Made me blossom and gave me life.

They all culminated in the person that I m now.

But equally I can hold my head up high and strut out.

我可以抬起头,挺胸走出去

因为不管是什么稿件、什么故事,不管是老板、清洁工,我都没有用少一分的陈彬雁去对待。

我都是拿出我的真心对待。

老师说:“我知道。你可以给你自己credit。”

可是,为什么别人都不能以真心回应?都不能打开别人?

老师说,“你要知道别人也带着创伤来。也从那个角度在看世界。所以最重要的是,你用了真心。”

“可能我要在这里代表所有广大的读者,谢谢你,我们以后可能再也没有机会去读你的报道,谢谢你带给我们诚实真诚的报道。”

我记得我说:“I accept this, thank you.”

所以除了感谢,我很感谢拥有那些机会,遇到那样的人,做那样的采访,写那样的稿件,但同样的,我毫无保留沒完完全全把当下应该做的都如我那样地做了。我没有保留。

i did what I can , in the time that i could, and what i want , 所以我可以抬头走出去。bonus就是along the way,给人带来温热,温暖,或者是些许的照亮。

有好几次,我感觉到头整个充满能量,有好多情绪是之前忽略的,现在感受到了。

cleansing完毕,真的觉得打从内心比较安定,更ready,可以离开了。我说,i feel more ready now,老师也感觉得到。

我坐立起来,所有的vibrations还在头部、双手、眼皮,但这真的是一个最wonderful的process。

最后向老师请教了say goodbye的方式,claim back所有的credits,把该还的还给公司。切断所有和公司的联系,send well wishes。

隔天继续tap,才知道我不想长大,是因为我觉得自己在很小的年龄就有意识要照顾自己。

确实也是十几岁就独立,刚出来工作,就照顾一个家。很累的。完全没有自己的。

所以在其他方面,我都赖着要别人照顾

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