Thank You 2014

每年这个时候,我都觉得我需要回去整理这一年,看看下来可以/应该怎么过,比之前好。

回去看之前写的,好有启发性。还是有所学习。

今年1月的post:Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

我的感觉,是同样的一个人,我想做一个write what i mean, to inspire and to touch的 writer.

不知不觉,已经是2014年的12月28日。

去年12月10日回去上班,时间在指缝间溜走,一年了。

我问自己,今年过得如何?

好像一场梦。

经历过的,访问过的人,吃的东西,去的香港、塔斯马尼亚、珀斯、restaurant australia、巴黎、伦敦、民丹岛。

精彩得让一切像是梦。

很奇怪的是,和家人的旅行很真实,自己那种奢华的享受反而非常虚幻。

圣诞节前几天病了,消化不良,没有什么胃口,很累。昏昏欲睡。很沉。走得不稳。

心情上的不稳定和不开心再次来袭。肚子胀气。消化不良,后来才知道,是心里消化不掉一些东西。

我变得模糊不清,不知道自己要什么了,我陷入迷朦了。我弄失自己了。

2014年太忙太忙。
昏头转向,面对付出和回报不平等的状态,我不再像是以前那样,那样傻傻不计较,那是愚蠢。

公司和上司对我的不器重,让我觉得自己在浪费时间。为了满足自己对热忱的追求,我必须割舍与孩子的时间,我必须熬夜累坏身子。我觉得that’s not a good deal。继续下去,只会累坏自己。太傻了。

但更重要的是,在外头,工作上的忙碌和不愉快,掩盖了我,工作上的好处,诱惑了我,让我变得贪婪,我迷失了。

我离开自己远了。

既然是这样,陈彬雁,那就要把自己拉回来!2015年就把自己拉回来,我告诉自己,做最是自己的自己。

回顾facebook上的这一年,真的好丰富,好精彩,然后我看到自己的birthday message

But 35 is such a milestone, TPY. I know u have fought hard, and so beautifully dear.
Continue to follow your heart in the days ahead, i wish you happiness, i wish you bliss, i wish you to be well n happy. you definitely deserve all that you asked for. continue to have high expectations of yourself. continue to better yourself in ways more than one. Continue to discover n wonder. Be a light upon yourself and others. I wish you love and lots to share.

continue to follow your heart 是什么?

我问自己。我还没有答案。

好像在每一天的忙碌当中,我没有在过自己的生活。好像都是走进走出别人的人生,那我的呢?

怎么可以是第二位?

有些我非常喜欢的posts和领悟。
像是去做了肠胃内窥镜,然后医生说,不管我们在外是什么肤色,里面可以干净得看到血脉。
那是一次胜利。自己战胜自己的胜利。

好喜欢皓皓20个月在家楼下scooter,牙牙学语的片段。

我喜欢动手去做点好吃的喂饱家人。

我突然想到了,我想
做瑜伽
行走
写得开心
继续写吃的、继续访问大厨
过得更健康更规律
有更多时间陪孩子
有时间休息

我问自己,做这些重要吗?会比我赚回来的钱重要吗?
嗯。重要。
这么写来,好像更清楚不迷糊了。

喜欢在The Shard的感觉,

I simply couldn’t take myself away. Yesterday n tomorrow. London and beyond. Everything about life is here. And what is real? The tangibles you touch and the structures you live in? Or the untouchables that follow u every step of the way? Totally in love with the reflections and changing lights. But what is amazing you ask? It’s NOW.

在这样的高度之上看到太多东西交错——时间、空间、过去、现在,伦敦的,世界的,自己的。

我无法不被这一步步的走来,而感激。

我特别难忘在paragon前看stephen wiltshire画新加坡,全身鸡皮疙瘩的感觉。那就是真实的力量。

我喜欢自己对饮食的领悟-food is good, if and only if, it brings you places. You will have to visit somewhere in an instant, in a bite. Good food is emotional.

我喜欢去香港碰到的故事-you stumble upon things. The awesome stuff, or people, life changing events, you stumble upon a chance. Then, chances… You have to (stumble) in order to reach or realize the connection. They find you, not the other way round. Such is the magic of travel.

它让我觉得只要听从内心的声音,路自然会安排给你走。

我喜欢在天星码头到salisbury地下道看到的quotes
比如what is now proved was once imagined
To be an artist is to believe in life
A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art.

阳光温暖,我要和每一个踏步相遇。

Luxury is to have time to breakfast.我喜欢slow juicing

我喜欢看到孩子做对的事情,比如沁芝给dr ngiam画图画。

我喜欢我的领悟:how priceless, what we already have is
皓皓病了,却让我记起我们很多人都遗忘了的一件事–我们都有很强的自我疗愈能力。
我最想孩子学的不是zzz学yyy学xxx学。而是这个,人生最重要的。“人生最重要的是保持自己的真心性,心灵的一片清净洁白。”

路是人走出来的。

喜欢看皓皓玩,把奶瓶当笔,地板当画纸。so fun!wished I could still play like that. Without care.

可以的。只要自己允许自己。给自己机会。

原来,平常、平凡、普通、如常,已经是最大的幸福。

沁芝画画:Just as it had worked for me, I hope art will, and always be a sense of fulfillment for QinZhi. An organic form of expression, as well, working with oneself from within and a means of navigating the world. Qinzhi’s first art piece .

Each other– it occurred to me that this is the best gift I can ever afford to give to each of them.

I feel v privileged whenever I see chefs at work. I noticed chefs often have big, thick hands, but it’s really amazing when these hands do the littlest of things, the attention to detail can light up another life.

皓皓14个月大的时候-宝贝,但愿你在探索的每一刻都有最美丽的惊叹,获得最快乐的启发。

Where can you find that?this lust for life, the spontaneity, the enthusiasm.

农历新年,看舞狮的感悟。

以前不懂得欣赏,现在很喜欢。于是,身心某一处好像悄悄开启多一块地。我知道的空间,又大了一些。实在都是时间的功劳。但愿……我们经验的内在空间,都跟着日子的推移,只会越来越宽,不会越来越窄。不然,真的,辜负了时间。

人生最大的幸运,就是相信自己幸运。——黎智英

把newsmaker弄哭:In the midst of an interview today, in the midst of sharing, the news maker was so touched he teared. I treasure these moments . They are so so short lived but so very very REAL. The picture he saw , the history he went through. Tastes of long ago. So much time, in a few f-l-e-e-t-i-n-g moments.

抱着皓皓:son. friend. Teacher.

沁芝做gok zai:小时候快过年,奶妈会自制蛋卷、gok zai、发糕、年糕。
那时我不懂得珍惜的味道。
看到沁芝动手做,我仿佛看到小时候的自己。
这中间,穿梭了多少时间,变幻了许多人事。
长大了、过去了
但那味道啊
居然抵过一切
依旧。

With age, u find yourself getting

(a) more vulnerable.
(b) stronger.
(c) lost.
(d) lovelier

用manduca抱着皓皓:naughty little pretty little thing

搭电梯碰到另一个家长:Taking QinZhi down to the school bus every morning is such an awakening experience. Parents carry , some push in strollers their precious sleeping babes, also to rush to school then off to work. The brief conversation in the lift reveals difficulties n challenges each faces. And you get the sense that life isn’t easy, for yourself n everyone else. And you arrive at the wisdom that the only way to live life, is to make it easier as you go, not difficult. For the self and everyone else.

真正的安全感,是你知道你不依赖谁,生活上、精神上

1/1:May 2014 give us lots of light n warmth. Lots of opportunities to move in the right direction, towards greater freedom, greater mental well-being, greater balance, greater meaning. Blessed 2014 ahead.

我问自己,有吗?

好像没有哦。好像退步了的感觉。好像没有什么长进。

再看下去:看到去年repost22/1/2013皓皓出世那天我写的:

it was THE defining moment of my lifetime .

one is most aware in pain, whilst i was trying to push haohao out, these were the thoughts that ran through me

I told myself I want to create a new pathway.

I told myself there is nothing I cannot do if i do not limit myself. Don’t stop myself.

I told myself, I don’t want to take the old road again.

and i can’t help being touched n inspired by these.

i will b well. i can heal myself. i will be happy.

我有多久没有那么相信自己了?我有多久没有和自己对话了?我有多久没有听自己做自己真正想要的东西了?

12月最后一周过得特别辛苦,生病了,没有办法照顾自己的小孩,还要赶稿改稿,我生气了。改稿的面前,我的病不算什么。

是我不够专业吗?

以前听前辈们说,报馆就是这样的地方,你怎么地付出都好,报馆不会在你生病的时候记得你照顾你。

那是前辈用生命换回来的体会,我没有听进去。现在自己切身感受,突然很受惊吓。是的,我吓了一大跳!我彻底地感受到打击。我太愚蠢了,这一直以来。

30日这一天,看到一句这样的话:如果人生本来是一场浪费,那么就让它浪费在喜欢的事情上吧。

晚上和沁芝皓皓facetime,突然有此感悟:如果都是要做到那么累,那我情愿是在做家里的工。如果都是做到要那么的生气,那我情愿是面对我的两个宝贝。

我听《我是演说家》,有一个林义杰说,他的故事启发了另一个女孩,女孩说,人生原来没有看到北极光,那就白来了。人生需要一个急转弯,急转弯之后,一定有一条不一样的跑道。

好像就是在说我。

我需要一条不一样的跑道。

去年12月31日我这么写:

I think 2013 was about selfless giving n to a certain extent, experimenting with a different way of life, trying to put in place the inspirations i have had.

In the new 2014, i think it will be about executing certain inspirations with a higher level of confidence n boldness, with a stronger n surer sense of myself.

i want to be with my kids n myself more. I want to work for a better love. Find my love back.

I want to slow down.

I need to learn to b more selective. Whether it b at work or my diet. Whether it b a thought or a feeling.

I want to reclaim a bit of myself. I like to find me back, on a deeper level. I want my heart, soul n body to sync more n i will work towards that, so as to gain a deeper more solid sense of inner ease n peace, n emotional stability.

i want to do more good in more ways than one, it could be in writing, to inspire n to b inspired. i hope to be able to meet my teacher n to receive guidance n blessings from him, yongey mingyur rinpoche. i hope to b able to contribute n to help people in need. along the way, roping my children in.

i want to work towards being more attentive to my heart, to listen to its voice n to follow it.

I want to correct myself, all those unwholesome ways n be positive .

i want to open myself up further, to invite more space, n create depth n width in my body n mind.

i want to better myself n be more generous to myself n to others. i want to be more grounded n aware. i want to help myself grow in wisdom. i want to heal myself.

I want to make an obvious step to moving toward greater freedom, greater mental well-being, greater balance, greater meaning

I want to eat sleep n live like a baby.

I know I m powerful n I want to b with my power .

i want to be more mindful.

i want to be in the moment. Be open n present to life.

just be. be the light that i was n have been, to reclaim that light, to be a light upon myself n to others.

好像完全没有做到。

那就把这些计划放在2015年。蒋勋说的,35回来做自己。

我想在2015年把最不圆满的部分、最不需要的态度、最不受用的想法,统统去掉。

简化我的人生。

i want to take an active step to curate my life。to do things i really want, say/write things i really mean,be the real me.

迎接更High definition的自己。

31/12/2014

i took a long walk, i took some time by myself, i tried to let loose, and had some inspirations along the way. i felt happier, because i heard my heart.

i love my work, i feel happy realising that, after that being so tough and trying, i still love my work very much, and it feels so good. its not about the money or anyone’s recognition. its being responsible for my words, my work and feeling satisfied after writing a good piece.

its that simple.

but i also understand, that the load was simply too much for me.my priorities have changed, now i want and need more time with myself and my family in the time ahead.

yes i love my work, but they do not mean as compared to my family.

and so, i want to take active steps to curating my life, to make things work for me and my family. and then in the meantime, continue to write with sincerity and from the heart.

i want to live simply and cut away all that i didn’t need. i need to listen to myself and go with my heart. i want to heal myself and others. i want to continue to be a light upon myself and others.

i want to give myself this chance to live the way i want, and so i will take active steps to address it, to step out. i want to live my life, the way i want.

if i do not curate it from now, start changing things that don’t work for me from now, then when?

i need to help myself from now.

i had a spa session at st regis earlier and i thought,  why do people celebrate the new year?what is 2014 worth celebrating for?

the new, i realise. its wonderful to be given a chance to start anew and afresh, from ground zero. there r no rules,  you r not bound by restrictions. you are free. and once a yr, we r given this chance. how blessed we are. how blessed we are.

in fact, every moment of the way, if we are aware, every moment presents us with the opportunity to experience it like never before.

and realising that , it is as if 2015 is a new book of empty pages. its that wonderful and i want to fill in the pages with all of that i said.

then i really want to go n celebrate.

i want to celebrate me. all the triumphs big and little ones along the way. all the hard work put in, all that effort put in to do my best. and to all that i tried hard for, the wonderful moments i had, the realisations i had, the wisdom that guided me. i m worth celebrating, once and again, i tried to push boundaries, i didn’t settle for less, i did to the best of me, from my heart. thank you 2014 for the opportunities and love.

and, good bye.

🙂

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