Walking by myself

星期一的早上
带沁芝上学
然后自己走在river valley这一带

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I absolutely love this
Giving time to myself
Slowly down
Listening to me

我喜欢、越来越喜欢早晨暖暖的阳光
喜欢感觉阳光深入我的肌肤
温暖滋润身体

走着
喜欢那莎莎树声潺潺流水
女佣推着婴儿、老人
壮年的跑步
女人运动
还有我

theres so much life going around
N it makes u understand how dissimilar yet similar we r

走着,我突然回到夏天的巴黎
仿佛走在河边
嗅到玫瑰香

于是
知道人的心无边

只是被自己的眼光、偏执弄得好窄好窄

昨晚看到这样的一句
Your mind has the answers to everything
So long as you r quiet enough to listen

还有daddy一边给我按摩一边说
Not doing anything is as important or more important than doing something .

I guess I was inspired n I felt like doing a walk on my own today.

And as I did

I heard the answer.

I have been feeling out of equilibrium for half a year.
I walk n find myself tilting slanting like a sudden force exerting pressure on me anytime
Naturally I was worried
Why would this be?
Is there anything wrong with me?
I began to b worried n imagined all the wrong possibilities.

I knew I was under immense pressure
It was pressure from handling 2 kids wanting attention at the same time
It was also the pressure of my relationship with daddy stagnating n not being able to breakthrough
We were not able to gel , sync n reach a higher or deeper level
We had so much intense feelings that couldn’t dissipate or work out

Even as we managed to reach a consensus somewhat now
The wreck has been done
All the strong feelings have already been absorbed by the body n the body is feeling the pressure n trying to take care of it

In This morning walk , there’s this sudden understanding/realization —-I m beginning to better appreciate these surreal moments which tell—-of what is going on

The tilting/slanting/unbalanced feelings disclose the disequilibrium in my mind . How lacking one part of it is.
Mentally lopsided!

Making friends with daddy again sort of helped the equilibrium to go into better balance .
And getting back to work doing what I like also tilts me in the right direction

But I find myself in need of a deeper heal.

My realised that much as I felt he has hurt me
I also unwittingly bullied myself
I wasn’t aware enough to take full responsibility for my feelings

But more so
I felt a higher level of need within
Something like equanimity
So that in face of the ups n downs in life, I remain steadfast, at peace n so so calm
Untouched.

Yes I do feel better n peaceful now that we made peace
It makes me realise how important feelings of peace, contentment in marriage r to me
They r basically the key to my well being.

Yet Unlike the past, I m No longer elated at a make up
Or excited or full of expectations
The heart just feels so so tired out
Spaced out

It emphasizes the importance of self independence at heart
How one should strive to care for yourself
Address the lack within on one’s own.

I think this is the lesson that is in place for me .

Om ma ne pad me hum

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I love it that I m learning to understand n to take care of myself

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