Healing the Family

By Tsoknyi Rinpoche

“In much unhappiness among children, they have some kind of understanding in their minds that because they have a problem, the problem comes from – a kind of package from the family,” says Tsoknyi Rinpoche.

“The children think in their minds, ‘Oh, when I was young, my mother shouted at me. My mother showed anger to me.’ I don’t think so that at that time the mother’s motivation is that, ‘Oh, if I show anger to my children, then one day my children will suffer. So that’s why I want to show my anger.’ It’s not that way. She cannot handle it.

Then you have to feel more compassion for your mother and your father because they like to do good, but they cannot. You have to have a strong conviction in your mind: ‘I am not going to blame. People give me this problem. It’s not that they want me to in the future suffer.’ No, no one.

If you raise your children, one day you might give some problems. But during your marriage time, when you’re making the baby, at that time you never think that, ‘Okay, I’m going to make one baby, a baby we’ll call John, and I will give all my stuff – my problems – to him, and I’m so happy he will suffer one day.’ No family would think that!

So you have to think, ‘Okay, oh yeah – conviction, realize some insight.’ And then you give love. And then – then you have the symptoms come. Unhappiness comes. You don’t like yourself. You don’t like others. All this “pop-up” comes.

Then you say, ‘Oh, I know all this is coming.’ And then you give love to yourself, kindness to yourself. ‘All this is not really me. And I’m not going to blame somebody. Maybe they gave me their problems, but they also have problems. And I feel more love and compassion for them. I’m not going to really cling to it.’

So you have some kind of openness, kindness, and forgiveness. When those three elements come, I think it will change.”

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