i have come to know (I)

Dear Huaihao and Qinzhi, and to Qinzhi especially,

i have come to know, that i m stronger than before, surer and more confident than before.

and you two were the ones to enrich mommy this way.

i thank u, truly.

i haven felt so low in a relationship before, but i took it better than before. except that i have been immensely tired, that anger sort of gave me itch, i have come to know many other things these few days.

i have come to know that i actually bear a grudge towards the person i chose to be with in life, and i m feeling the pain of it.

how can i? what did he do?

no wonder they say. 做夫妻,是相欠的债。

i remember a rinpoche say, you will not meet anyone you have in this lifetime, in your next life.

i know how it feels like to have a grudge, i nursed it before when i had a grudge towards my father. unwittingly, now, i actually have a grudge towards your father.

i do not like this feeling. i do not want to bear grudges, much less against someone i love.

but i feel like he owes me something. like he took something precious away from me.

like when my father did things i couldnt understand, i felt that i couldnt relate to him in that simple pure manner as before. i think that simple pure manner is so v precious in any relationship.

when i had a grudge against my father, things became unnatural when i m with him. as if to protect myself.

that simple me. that simple true exchange that i could have with him, pure n simple n direct, simply becomes lost. it took so long before i could b natural with him again.

i felt that your daddy owes me something, for having projected his needs on me in the past, for not hearing me n understanding me.  For causing me hurt.

i felt i dont deserve these. i felt that i have been a good wife and a good mother. i felt that i did nothing wrong.

i told myself this isn’t the way to let your woman feel. least of all, hurt. why marry someone to hurt her?

i asked myself how to remove that grudge?i want to remove this grudge eagerly.

will an apology do? what about all the unfairness i have put up with? all the anxiety that i have had in me? all the pressure. sure, past is past. what about the future? what other more projections do i have to put up with?

but i have been changed n reacted.

n in all those projections, there is no me. i m sacrificed.

with these in view, i have come to know that i will accept nothing less.

your father probably would agree, that his father did not take good care of his mother. and again, he would probably agree , that my father did not take good care of my mother, in all ways. our fathers fail to realise , how mother is the pillar of the family. and shouldn’t be left off in any way, any minute way.

and so i told myself, that i will not repeat our mothers’  footsteps.

i will not allow myself to b mishandled.

因为她们太惨了。太苦了。太不值得了。付出了那么多,到头来,只是希望获得爱。她们深爱的人的爱。

i want not to be neglected in any way. it is much too cruel to a woman when she is neglected emotionally and at heart. it is worse than physical torture.

and so i have come to know, that there are certain things that i cannot and will not allow/tolerate.

i have come to know, therefore, that emotional independence is very important to a woman, in fact to anyone. taking good care of oneself is of utmost importance.

and on that road, it is lonely.

情到深处人孤独。

when feelings run deep. it is inevitable that you get lonesome.

like in love, when u love so deeply, u get a bit lonely. when u excel in an area, go deeper, the path gets lonelier, but on that road, u get to know yourself better.

this is life, really.

ultimately it is to b at ease, with oneself ,alone. we came to the world alone, and we will exit, alone. being alone and at ease, is a practice.

i have come to know that, with the experience that i have recently.

yes, we share in a marriage, we share our lives and feelings, but after all the highs and lows, we naturally begin to be on our own again. i remember seeing two single beds put together in your granduncle’s bedroom, i couldnt understand when i was younger. now i do.

in the past, i would have felt extremely sad , why is love bringing people together, then apart?  but now, i find myself embracing this notion of selfhood better.

i think it is part of being responsible for oneself. not letting yourself be at the whims and facies of another. like in meditation, ensuring that you r not a flag in the wind. we are whole and complete, always . we do not need another to shower us with love. more so, we need to love ourselves the correct way.

this is life, coming together to go apart, to be with oneself, after some time.

i have also come to know, that it is impossible to go back in time. to go back to when we were dating. perhaps i harboured some ideas that we could still . but today i realised it is impossible.

it is logic, i have all these things i have now, house, children, the me now. how to have now if the past is still here?

the past is gone, long gone. holding on to it is unrealistic and silly.

it is not possible at all to be dating in a marriage. because we were then simple, innocent young ones, with no realities to bear. life was really simple, pure and beautiful.

but we have grown and matured, we have changed and blossomed.

it is unfortunate that we both missed out on both of us, its like, where have the love gone? what about the admiration we have for each other? where have all the communication gone? all the sharing on the bits and pieces of life? what about the tugging of the heart when chat on the phone? or how much our hearts will flutter when we receive an sms bearing words such as “i miss u”? wheres the respect?

life’s irony is such, to have love draw us close, and then apart.

but in these days of lull, as i thought over and reflected, i have come to b appreciative also, of feelings of wreck.

the anger i have caused my body to itch a lot, caused me to be tired alot. caused me to feel low alot. its a wretched feeling. but i learnt to b at ease with this wretched feeling.

because in ruin, can there be rebuilding.

destruction comes before construction.

i sort of saw a seedling bud in all of these ruins.

in it, lies renewal, i sort of feel like a new me in the process of evolving, and this process of ironing out the differences, will complete the renewal process.

i m no longer girl.

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