I felt that i still needed to write.
I havent been so angry in my life. In these 34 years. I m shocked myself. I actually threw things in anger.
I spoke , with all my feelings that have been wanting to be heard all this while. Not spared a thought of all this while. And as usual, he kept quiet, then went back to the room.
That brought up the anger.
This surely cant be the way to Cherish a relationship as he had said, and wanting it to work.
Is this communication? IS this an exchange of ideas and thoughts n feelings? There is an instant gap that i cannot let go of, with the departure to the room. It feels like drawing the gap open between the 2 of us. I tried again.
I opened the door and demanded response. He said he had nothing to say, as usual.
I felt like, I have said all i could, now i took the initiative to open the door and he still doesnt want to make effort to close the gap?
I slammed the door. I threw the cushions on the floor n i went to the kitchen wanting to slam more things. I cried in frustration.
I couldnt believe I cried that way.
There were so much Frustrations in there, of not being heard, not being considered.not being spared a thought for.
Not being understood, i dont know if he knows now, understands now.
Why wasnt a thought spared for me? Why wasnt my feelings been considered ? As an individual , as a partner in life? Something so basic . How is the family supposed to move forward if there is no soul in me?
I was utterly disappointed.
it just shows a lack of respect for me and how i feel.
How your life partner feels, taking care of this sacred ground, is the basis of a happy working marriage.
This i havent felt.
Like a certain part of me died in disappointment.
Why does this happen once in a while? I do not want this to repeat again. It is too taxing for me.
After so much effort, after so much trying, I do not know how to carry on.
I do not know how to bridge the gap.
I do not know where to meet.
To cherish and to treasure. To feel cherished and treasured, sure, I havent felt it at heart.