You need to stop.
2 months worth of walking tipsy turvy, cloudy n muddle headed feeling, heaviness of the head, tiredness, panting, gasping for air, shaking hands, unsteady jelly legs, eyes that want to close, a body that wants to fall.
Isnt it enough ?
i guess it is not too much to say this: its only natural that you begin to doubt if the body is healthy and begin to feel negative or have negative thoughts.
even as you did try all, all your v best to remain cool: meditation, breathing,
but the mind was having all sorts of thoughts, one time it was sure n certain i m alright, other times, negative messages came. it is confusing. i m sure.
but stick to these good practices taught to you by the teachers. you brought yourself here, you will definitely b able to bring yourself back to the state of calm and ease. This is life, it swings up n down. Like the stock market, Mingyur Rinpoche says.
i remember then there came a point that you wanted to quit.
just let everything be, you do not have to make sense , you do not have to understand. drop everything. let loose, give yourself more space.
you tried your best, you set a standard. and that is good enough, not the results..at least, you were true to your wishes and you tried for them. thats good enough!
you nudged, you scolded, you chided, you cooed, you softsell, you hardsell, you used all types of examples. you really tried your best.
throw them away. all the confusion, all thoughts, all negativity, all positivity. all hopes, all fears, all dreams, all disappointments, all fears, all anticipation. all the love.
you r tired.the soul, awareness, body, everything. and you know it.
just be alone with yourself, rest, eat well, sleep. do all you want.
or just b with the children.
i know you r unhappy.
Part of it stemmed from a disconnection with him. After so long.
Better off being alone.
Since you have tried, to the best of your ability, in any possible conversation to convey your thoughts, just rest now.
dont try, dont challenge, don’t contest.
its all bad for you.
Stop. Rest. Sleep. And be yourself .