Pain in the left n realization

I have had this pain in the left of my waist for five days or more n it is disturbing me .

It hurts when I breathe or when u exhale after food.

It hurts when I wake up from a nap.

It hurts as n when it feels like it.

And it gets me worried n suspicious. I have had this a few years ago but It would go away after a hot drink.

Not this time.

And the floaty feeling is still in me. I could b anywhere n I could feel the balance in my head tip left or right .

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As much as I tried, I reverted to my old ways n habits .

And so I could understand how n why we came back again, in the aeons of time .

It's so easy to come back to samsara .

Without awareness n with the pushes of strong forces of old habits.

I told myself: let it go. Observe the pain .observe the floaty feeling.

As I showered, I sort of asked my mommy for protection n blessings.

Then I realized , I haven’t really prayed to this guardian angel of mine.

I wonder why?

It could be that I take it that she is still with me. Or that I still haven’t gotten over her n refuse to acknowledge her death.

Maybe, a bit of both.

But it sort of felt good to communicate with this guardian angel of mine this way. I felt a sort if connection that assured me in a way or two.

As I nursed Huaihao to sleep, I sort of felt a prayer answered.

I couldn’t help but want to peck his cheek.

And I heard myself telling me :
Do it for the kids. If u want your child to be brave, to be able to traverse, to not have to suffer like u, try again. And again.

And do, i find myself with renewed determination to practice awareness.

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