Spinning head blocked tummy prickly pains .
The discomfort is frustrating me.
What have I done to myself?
My stomach feels like a mass of solidified ice that wouldn’t budge. I tried to breathe air in to it n to release the knots … to no avail.
There would be pain n I would b lured to suspect n worry if something was wrong— all the old habits would come back n I would b locking myself in another spiral .
Thoughts of going go the doctor flashed. Things to say to the doctor flashed in my mind.
Coincidentally, Huaihao is coughing n Hwee says: “you r different from your mom. She is afraid of taking care of children. Little bit of discomfort n she wants us to send u to the doctors. When u were little, u see 2 doctors per day. ”
This short comment sort of unlocked everything.
For the last 2 years, because of easy n relative affordability to medical care provided by my profession, I could go to a doctor whenever I want to.
I remember as a child, I was so so so afraid of visiting the doctor . I would imagine the worst seeing the doctor.
But in the last 2 years, I have been popping in n out of clinics n tcm at an unthinkable rate.
I seem to be auto correcting my fear on the surface. Over correcting.
but In actual fact, I m revisiting n reinforcing an older habit that was not mine to begin with but instilled upon me.
I unwittingly lived my mother’s ways.
Now that I m on sabbatical , the choice of seeing a a doctor becomes more of a question than before. Do not misuse another’s professionalism .
And from Hwee ‘s words, I gather these wisdom n unlocked the blockage in me.
And I know we r different n I do not have to follow her footsteps. Here, it is here that I put a stop.
Om ma ne pad me hum