Blocked tummy n Realization

Spinning head blocked tummy prickly pains .
The discomfort is frustrating me.
What’s happening?
What have I done to myself?

My stomach feels like a mass of solidified ice that wouldn’t budge. I tried to breathe air in to it n to release the knots … to no avail.
There would be pain n I would b lured to suspect n worry if something was wrong— all the old habits would come back n I would b locking myself in another spiral .

Thoughts of going go the doctor flashed. Things to say to the doctor flashed in my mind.

Awareness too.

Coincidentally, Huaihao is coughing n Hwee says: “you r different from your mom. She is afraid of taking care of children. Little bit of discomfort n she wants us to send u to the doctors. When u were little, u see 2 doctors per day. ”

This short comment sort of unlocked everything.

For the last 2 years, because of easy n relative affordability to medical care provided by my profession, I could go to a doctor whenever I want to.

I remember as a child, I was so so so afraid of visiting the doctor . I would imagine the worst seeing the doctor.

But in the last 2 years, I have been popping in n out of clinics n tcm at an unthinkable rate.

I seem to be auto correcting my fear on the surface. Over correcting.
but In actual fact, I m revisiting n reinforcing an older habit that was not mine to begin with but instilled upon me.

I unwittingly lived my mother’s ways.

Now that I m on sabbatical , the choice of seeing a a doctor becomes more of a question than before. Do not misuse another’s professionalism .

And from Hwee ‘s words, I gather these wisdom n unlocked the blockage in me.

And I know we r different n I do not have to follow her footsteps. Here, it is here that I put a stop.

Om ma ne pad me hum

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